Chapter Text
There was silence, and inky blackness, for a long, long time.
There was no pain here. There were no thoughts here.
It felt, more than anything.
Peace. Fear. Pain. Gratitude. Loathing. Love.
Things it couldn't have given names to, even if it could talk.
It couldn't think. It didn't want to think.
All it wanted was to sink into the darkness, and the darkness was happy to oblige, wrapping around it, holding it close.
Sometimes, there were dim flashes of sensation.
Plush softness under it as it lay down, half-dozing.
Cool water surrounding it, able to swim freely amongst others like it in the dark.
Someone leaning against its side, murmuring words it couldn't understand.
Those times were the best and the worst, all at once.
They made it feel so happy, and so alone, and so loved, and so far away.
Those times, where someone, or a different someone, or even many someones, would sit with it as it slept and speak to it, made it feel so small...yet, somehow, never in a bad way.
It felt like a tiny, desperately hopeful ember, that a wretched voice somewhere inside of it threatened, demanded to snuff out.
It didn't want to give it up.
It wanted to go back.
Wait, back?
And then, one day,
Jax awoke silently.
An unfamiliar fabric ceiling met her gaze, high above. It looked like a whole bunch of blankets and sheets, draped over each other, like the world's biggest pillow fort.
Huh. I'm awake.
Huh. I exist.
With a groan of surprising exertion, Jax pushed herself up on her gently aching elbows, looking around.
She was in a massive fabric tent, filled with dozens, maybe hundreds of soft pillows, more than she had ever seen in the Circus. A big, round, wooden pole held the whole thing up, giving it the feeling of being inside an actual, canvas circus tent.
Dang, Kinger's been busy.
It was comfortably dim in here, but through a crack between the blankets, she could see the familiar bright, garish colors of the Capital-C Circus shining through. Apparently, they’d gotten color back while she was…gone.
Jax slowly shifted to sit, cross legged, groaning to herself. She'd woken up with a headache, and her chest felt...exhausted, somehow.
There was a very light, prickled pressure behind her eyes.
She slowly trailed one hand to her cheek, and found her fingers came away wet.
Wait- she blinked, staring at her bare fingers.
Cartoon gloves were an interesting thing. They were unremovable, ostensibly. You could tug on them and tug on them, and they'd stretch about as much as skin would, but they would never come off. Yet, despite that, Jax had always been able to feel through the yellow gloves that had been attached to her hands. Something about cartoon logic. Those gloved hands could feel condensation on a cold glass of water, heat from a hot mug of cocoa, the textures of fabric and silk and plastic and rubber.
One of the weirdest sensations she'd tried not to think about was the act of rubbing them together. Feeling her left fingertips running over smooth fabric, her right palm feeling that same fabric running back and forth across it. It was the sort of thing that would drive you crazy if you thought about it too long.
A lot of those around here, huh.
Jax had been stuck with those gloves ever since the day she had arrived here, panting and gasping in disoriented fear on the stage.
Which was why it was downright startling to see her bare fingers. Stubby, purple, undetailed save for a very fine coating of purple fur that matched the rest of her body, that you could only really pick out if you were really looking for it.
Jax glanced to her other hand, confirming that it was also glove-less. She stared at her wrist, where there used to be a banded border between glove and bare arm. Now her hands just...flowed smoothly into the rest of her. What a concept.
Holding both of her arms in front of her, she stared at the band of black fur that wound around her right forearm like a serpent, from wrist to elbow. It was jagged, with symmetrical blobs of bright colors smeared throughout.
The color scheme reminded her of...of what Abstractions looked like.
What she'd looked like, she supposed.
It made her chest hurt to look at it.
Jax took a deep breath, looking herself over. Her arms weren't the only things that had changed.
A matching band of black fur, speckled with brightly-colored smears, wound around her left shin, tracing from her ankle to her knee. A few other patches, smaller, dotted the rest of her, one simply swallowing her entire right kneecap.
She could tell, because she was no longer wearing her overalls.
What she was wearing, was a goddamn romper.
What some people called overall-shorts. They stopped just about halfway down her thighs. A simple black T-Shirt covered her slim chest underneath the straps. The romper was just a slightly lighter shade of pink, light enough to no longer be sufficiently explainable away as the "light purple" she would always insist her overalls were.
Well, shit.
After the exit she'd made, there was no plausible deniability-ing her way out of this one.
Something nudged the side of her face, and she reflexively flinched away from it.
It was just her ear. One long, thin rabbit ear, drooping down toward the side of her head, the other one doing the same.
Jax reached up, carefully unbending her ears to hold them up straight, before letting go again.
They drooped back down, no longer able to stand up straight....only hang down like long hair.
Like a girl's hair.
A long time ago, Jax might have felt that tightness in her chest, like a scared, panicky prey animal.
Felt afraid.
As it was...she was just too exhausted.
Too tired to check her own thoughts, to see which pronoun she was referring to herself with, to viciously berate her own thoughts and drive that word away until the familiar he dominated her own perception once more.
It didn't feel like she'd woken up from a nap. It felt more like she'd gone 18 rounds with a bulldozer and lost.
She'd been gone from all this. She'd been sent off to an eternal sleep with the knowledge that Pomni, at least Pomni, cared about her.
That was enough.
Wasn't it?
So why was she back here, now? She'd taken the escape hatch, the one and only real Exit Door from this place.
No matter that she'd said
("I don't wanna go.")
in that frightened, breathless whisper, while shaking in Pomni's arms.
Whether she'd wanted to go or not, she'd gone.
So why was she now un-gone?
A beam of light from outside the blanket-tent shone from behind her as the flap was opened, casting her shadow on the opposite wall.
Jax turned, eyes widening, she hadn't even heard any footsteps approaching, was it Pom-
Gangle stared back at her with wide, surprised eyes. Her mouth was a tiny, circular o.
No wonder Jax hadn't heard any footsteps.
The light from outside the blanket fort shone in, illuminating Gangle's, well, gangly form. Her sketchbook was tucked under one ribbon arm.
A small, pink bow was tucked in the upper corner of her tragedy mask, separate from the rest of her. It was an accessory, not an extension of herself.
That small pink bow, tucked there like that, made Jax's chest hurt again.
Somewhere in the distance, Jax could hear Zooble's voice, and Kinger's. They were talking, Jax couldn't make out the words from here. It sounded pleasant, whatever it was.
Jax and Gangle stared at each other for several long, silent seconds. Empires rose and fell in that time, statues of emperors crumbled away until only the legs were left, and Jax still couldn't think of anything to say other than
"Hey."
Part of Jax expected her to flinch, or squeak in fear, or maybe just turn and run away from him.
Jax wouldn't blame her if she had, honestly.
Instead, Gangle just blinked.
She sighed, before taking a deep breath with her eyes closed.
"Um...welcome back," Gangle said, her voice as soft-spoken as ever.
She slowly, deliberately padded across the pillow-covered floor, sinking to sit just a little away from Jax.
Jax stared at her. Her mask showed no fear, just the omnipresent two teardrops on the edges of her eyes over a frown that Jax could almost swear looked concerned.
"How are you feeling?" Gangle asked.
It was Jax's turn to sigh. "Like crap." She allowed herself to plop backward onto the pillows, lying down once more. "Like...you ever fall asleep after crying really hard, and then you wake up with a headache and you feel really emotionally drained?" He glanced at Gangle.
Gangle allowed a bitter chuckle to spill out, pointing one ribbon-hand at one of her teardrops. "Did you forget who you were talking to?"
Jax stared for several long seconds, before a long, rusty wheeeeeze of a chuckle spilled out of her. "Don't make me laugh, it hurts..." She paused looking down at her chest. "Why does that hurt?"
"You've...been through a lot." She paused. Then: "You...look good?" She seemed to repress a reflexive flinch, waiting for Jax to speak.
No...to snark. To say something carelessly cruel, or dismissive.
Something small and evil and wretched in the back of Jax's brain bristled at the words.
A frightened, nasty little thing that hated everyone and everything.
Herself, most of all.
It wanted to jeer, to mock, to make a thousand snide deflections, mocking comebacks, sneering remarks, a thousand shields against what could never, ever, ever, ever be spoken, be known.
The wretched thing in Jax's brain snuffed out into silence in a heartbeat, like a candle in the dark.
Jax simply sighed, staring up at the fabric ceiling, not meeting Gangle's eyes. "Yeah...sure."
Gangle was silent as Jax slowly turned over onto her side. Jax's back faced Gangle as she stared at the far tent wall.
A few silent minutes passed.
As Jax tried to find the courage to speak, she could hear Gangle's slow breathing. Was that odd? Gangle, objectively, did not have lungs, so why did she still need to breathe?
"...What..." Jax croaked, her voice feeling so much lower thanks to unuse. "What all did I..." She gestered aimlessly with one hand. "Do...while I was...gone?"
"Not much." Gangle murmured, edging just a little closer to Jax. "You stomped around for a while...then, Pomni had her whole Evangelion journey into your brain. You calmed down, and we were able to lead you in here." She sighed. "You've kinda just...slept, since then."
Jax was silent for long enough that Gangle began to wonder if she'd fallen back asleep.
Then, in the most tenuous, fragile voice Gangle had ever heard from her primary tormentor:
"...What did Pomni tell you...about what she saw?"
Jax knew what the answer would be. Pomni would have told them everything. Why wouldn't she? Everyone thought she was basically dead and not coming back, Jax included. There'd be no reason not to spill the beans, not to spread her secret around for them to point at and laugh like melting hyenas at, and now that she was back everyone could finally have their revenge and stick her in a cage in the middle of the circus and bang on the bars and throw vegetables and call her a f-
"Nothing."
The Idiot Doom Spiral that Jax's brain had been about to fall into stopped dead in its tracks.
"...What?"
"Pomni told us she saw a lot, but...she said it wasn't her place to talk about."
Jax slowly sat up, turning to face Gangle again.
It didn't make any sense.
It didn't make any sense.
"...Why?" She whispered.
"Because she's not like you were," A familiar voice came from behind Gangle.
Zooble stood in the entrance to the tent, staring back at the two. "Welcome back, jackass."
Jax couldn't help chuckling at the unfiltered profanity. "Damn, that's new." She winced, clutching her side again. "Why does it hurt to laugh now?"
Zooble strode into the tent as if they weren't speaking to someone who had up until recently been Abstracted. "My guess? Transforming like that can't be good for your body. Organs and stuff." Zooble paused, as they sat down on the cushioned floor next to Gangle. "Do you have organs?"
Jax chuckled, despite another twinge of pain. "You know, I've never checked."
"I don't," Gangle added with a weak smile, as she reached inside the empty spiral of ribbon that served as her ribs, waggling her floppy ribbon-hand around approximately where her stomach would be.
"I can honestly say I hope to never find out." Zooble tap-tapped their plastic torso with their knuckles.
Jax gingerly raised herself back up to a seated position, despite the aches in every joint. "How long was I..." She shrugged. "You know."
"About eight months or so, I wanna say."
"What did I miss?" Jax looked past Zooble at the bright colors of the Circus visible through the tent flap. "I see you guys got the power back on."
"Should probably tell you now, rather than later..." Zooble seemed to steel themselves. "Caine came back." As Jax's eyes grew huge and panicked, Zooble quickly added "He's weaker now, though! I don't...think he can do nearly the stuff he used to. And, for what it's worth...he seems like he's sorry."
"Hmph," Jax grumbled. "I think you'll forgive me if I say I'll believe it when I see it."
"That's fair..." Gangle nodded.
"So, what, I just..." Jax glanced around the giant pillow fort. "Slept in here, the whole time? No...attacking anyone or weird Abstraction gobbledegook?"
"None. You were surprisingly peaceful, once we got you in here." Zooble glanced up at the high ceiling of the pillow fort. "Pomni did a pretty good job of calming you down, during her weird vision quest thing." A pause, as Zooble considered their words, before continuing. "She's been really hopeful that we'd all be able to pull you back...and I guess it worked."
Jax couldn't help smiling. The little jester really hadn't given up on her, despite Jax's best efforts. "Where is Pomni, anyway?"
Zooble jerked their triangular block of a head backward toward the tent flap. "She and Ragatha are on a date at that new zombie apocalypse adventure world."
Jax raised an eyebrow. "No kiddin'? Well done, Rags, I was not aware of your game."
"They should be back soon."
Gangle smiled despite the teardrops. "Pomni will be happy to see you awake again. And, for what it's worth...I am, too."
Jax smirked. "Somehow, that's the most surprising thing I've heard today."
Gangle was silent for several seconds, before she answered.
"You're a jerk...and a bully...and you made me miserable..." She met Jax's eyes. "But...I didn't want you dead."
"Me neither." Zooble reached out, squeezing Jax's hand. "You're a jackass, but you're still one of us. I meant that, and I still do."
At Zooble's touch, the small, frightened prey animal in Jax's heart insisted that it was in a corner, that it needed to scream and claw and yank her hand away, keep them away keep them away keep them away-
"I..." Jax sighed. The words seemed to swell and fill her throat, threatening to choke her.
"...I'm sorry."
Gangle and Zooble both blinked. Of all the words they'd been expecting for Jax to ever say, those hadn't even been on the Bingo Board.
"...I think..." Jax paused, searching for the words. "...I think I'm sorry about a lot of stuff..."
Seconds passed.
Then:
THWACK.
"Oww!" Jax winced, rubbing her arm where Zooble had slugged her. Her glare at Zooble was cut off by the mix-and-match pulling her into a hug.
"Asshole," Zooble said with an audible smile.
Behind Zooble, Gangle smiled, meeting Jax's eyes. "I...don't know if I forgive you yet, but...I accept your apology."
"I'll take it," Jax chuckled, as she pulled back from the hug.
"I like the new look, by the way." Zooble glanced at the romper covering Jax's torso. "Did you finally figure your shit out while you were asleep?"
Jax shot them a look. "I thought Pomni didn't tell you."
"She didn't." Zooble narrowed their eyes at Jax in a way that felt decidedly condescending.
"You're not subtle at all." Gangle added.
Jax groaned, letting herself plop backward onto the cushions, her arms at her sides. "I guess I really was just a sad little chicken fetus in an egg."
Zooble shrugged. "Seriously, though, you could have just told us. I'm not here to laugh at people."
"I get it," Gangle murmured. "I know what it feels like, being afraid like that."
"How would you know?" Jax glared at Gangle.
Gangle's tragedy mask stared levelly back at Jax. Very, very slowly, she pointed at herself, holding her gaze.
Jax felt her mouth go dry. "...Oh."
Gangle and Zooble slowly nodded in unison.
"I...I didn't know."
Gangle sighed, more than a little bitterly. "It's not like I had any reason to think you'd have listened or cared, either."
Jax stared back up at the ceiling.
"...So it was all for nothing," She murmured.
Silently, Zooble laid down on the floor parallel to Jax, watching her.
"Everything I said, everything I did," Jax continued, her pupils small in her eyes. "You guys, Kaufmo..." She swallowed the lump in her throat, feeling her eyes prickle wetly once more. "...Ribbit. It was all for...for fucking nothing."
"...Yeah." Zooble nodded. "It was. But..." They nudged Jax's shoulder with their own. "You have a second chance, now. You can make at least a little of it right."
Gangle shifted closer to the two. "I...didn't get a chance to know Ribbit...I learned bits and pieces about her from Kaufmo before...well, before..."
Jax closed her eyes, letting the tears drip over her cheeks. She could only imagine what Kaufmo had said about her to the others. He'd never quite been able to look Jax in the eye again, after Ribbit Abstracted.
"...But..." Gangle continued. "I think she and Kaufmo would be happy for you, one way or another."
It was a long time before Jax spoke again.
She reached up, smearing the tears on her face with the heel of her hand. "Do you think..." She sighed. "I dunno...if you guys were able to pull me back, maybe...maybe, with the other Abstractions..."
Zooble sighed. "I honestly don't know. It was a real shot in the dark with you...and the others were in the Cellar for a pretty long time."
"...We can try, though..." Jax looked between Zooble and Gangle, eyes filled with a sad desperation. "Right?"
"...Sure," Zooble nodded, squeezing Jax's arm. "It's always worth it to try."
The sound of new voices approached from outside the tent made Jax's ears twitch.
Her heart flip-flopped in her chest as she recognized just whose voices those were, just who was laughing at something the other familiar voice had said.
Perhaps sensing such, Zooble sat up, scooting over to the side. "I will say, I can think of at least one person who will be happy to see you."
Her heart pounding, Jax sat up as the flap to the pillow fort was pulled open.
Pomni, Ragatha, and Kinger stood there, engrossed in conversation. Pomni and Ragatha were covered in splotches of green zombie gick, while Ragatha had a bolt-action rifle slung over one shoulder. Her other hand was grasped around Pomni's.
Pomni and Ragatha fell silent, their eyes meeting Jax's.
Jax stared back at Pomni's peppermint eyes, at Ragatha's single eye next to her button, and couldn't help laughing softly.
"Heya, guys."
Pomni was already in motion before the words were out of Jax's mouth, sprinting to tackle her into a hug.
"Hwuff!" Jax gasped as she was flung to the ground by Pomni's body weight. "Pomni! Geddoff!"
"I will not!" Pomni was already crying, even as she laughed in relief, hugging Jax close.
Any hope Jax might have gotten of being saved by Ragatha was crushed as Ragatha flung herself on top of Jax as well, grabbing her in just as tight a hug.
"Don't you ever make us worry like that again!" Ragatha sobbed, burying her face in Jax's neck.
"Welcome home, you jerk..." Pomni sniffled, smiling through her tears.
Crushed just-a-little painfully under the weight of her two friends as she received her first proper hug in a very long time, Jax could only sigh, before hugging the two of them back.
"Yeah...I'm home."