Chapter Text
It's dark. Kind of pleasantly dark, actually. For some reason, I really thought it'd be worse. Some kind of encompassing pitch blackness, like your eyes were closed and they'd never open again. But no, it's really not. I can see a subtle light streaming in, letting me take in the purple sky covered in spotted streaks of stars…
As far as afterlives go, this doesn't seem so bad.
………
w a i t
What? No, hold on, what? What the hell am I thinking? I blink away bleariness, and rub at my eyes. My vision slowly comes into focus, and I can actually process what I'm seeing. It's just fabric, a bunch of patchwork fabric draped over tent poles. I narrow my eyes, slowly sitting up. Through the open flap, I see…
Oh. Great. This. Still just this. Some afterlife. I grunt, shifting up to my feet. With an easy grin, I put my hands behind my head, and stroll back out into the liiiiiii i i i ii i i SXQgaHVydHMgc3RvcCBpdCBodXJ0cyBJIGRvbid0IHVuZGVyc3RhbmQgd2hhdCdzIGhhcHBlbmluZyB0byBtZSBJIGRvbid0IHdhbnQgdG8gYmUgaGVyZSBJIGNhbid0IGJlIGhlcmUgZ28gYXdheSBsZXQgbWUgZ28gYXdheSBJIHdhbnQgb3V0IEkgd2FudCBvdXQgSSB3YW50IG91dCBJIHdhbnQgb3V0IEkgd2FudCBvdXQgSSB3YW50IG91dCBJIERPTidUIFdBTlQgVE8gQkUgTUUgQU5ZTU9SRQ==
I jolt back, a whirling blob of flailing limbs. I fall flat on my ⅊̶̫̠̘̲͍̰͚̗̝̓͋͂͌͛̀͘ͅ⅝̸̦̼͔̮̘̘͓̈̌ℛ̷͎̟̔̓̈́̒̈́̀̌, scooting back and breathing heavily. My eyes sting with tears. It's actually kind of interesting, how much I'm freaking out even though I really don't feel anything. Like I can just watch myself have a breakdown as a passive observer. Heh. Great. This is just great.
………my breathing slows. I look to my ↁ̷̡̫̥̭̪͕̫̰̪͈̙̀͑͆̅̈́͌̉̿̚͘ͅⅬ̶̢̼̖̮̾̾̈̀̑͑͊̅́̍̑͊̂̐͑̚Ⅷ̵̡̧̺͖̭̱̻̗̟̯͙̫̂͐̒̍̔͆̄̈ⅿ̷̛̳̝͍̯̯̪̅́̐̑̍̋̏́͐̔͐, a bizarre, twitching black mass. Covered in a cartoon glove. I laugh. It's a little funny, right? I mean, just the juxtaposition of it, yknow?
. . . . . . . .
What am I?
I hear someone moving. I crawl forward, trying my best to get a visual on them. There's a…clanking sound, as they walk? I don't dare to touch the light, not even just the visible beam hitting the ground, but…
I see him. Big robe, crooked eyes, bucket on his head-wait,
"You're still wearing the bucket?"
He turns. I can see the gears in his head turning, until his big dumb eyes go HUGE. He rushes into the tent, throwing the bucket off as soon as he enters the darkness. "Jax!!"
I yelp, shuffling away from him. "Don't touch me! I might be contagious!" My arm comes up to shield my body, although it's not like that's going to do all that much for me in the circumstance.
"O-oh my God," Kinger whispers. His eyes, as freaky and bloodshot as they are, seem so soft right now as he's looking at me. I…don't know that I like it. "I thought there may be a chance, but…but I didn't even let myself really hope...you're okay."
"He-heheh, yeah, I feel like a million bucks," I lie. An awkward smile plasters itself on my face, as I look away from him.
He sighs, a fondness creeping into his eyes. "Oh, Jax, I know that's not true."
"What, I look that bad?" I shrug. "C'mon, you really think that the first thing I'd do when I got back is lie to you?"
He looks away, then back at me. He shrugs.
"..." I sigh, as my expression falls. "You know me too well," I say. An indictment.
Kinger looks down thoughtfully, then slowly back up to me. He shifts to kneel down in front of me, putting his hands on what would be his knees if not for…you know. "What do you remember?" He asks, clasping his hands together.
"Uh…" I close my eyes, and sigh. "You killed Caine. You and everyone else were…trying to put this place back together. But I just stayed away. Lived in my room, barely saw anyone, or talked to…" Pomni. "Anyone." My tone is utterly dead. Kinger nods, motioning for me to continue. "...I…" I blink, as my eyes go wide. "A-abstracted." I look up to meet his eyes.
"I'm still here?"
"You are," he says. "Although you've seen better days."
"Well, sure," I say, with a slight laugh, "I used to not look like a stupid cartoon rabbit."
"Is that all?" His eyes lower a bit in concern. "You don't remember anything after your abstraction?"
"...What's to remember? I'll bet I just rampaged around, causing problems. Heh! Bet I got Gangle pretty good, right? That sounds like me."
He shakes his head. "Pomni was the first one to see you. She figured out that darkness helps you… The same way it helps me. Something about it, it's like it…makes it easier to associate yourself." He motions around as he speaks, looking away then back to me. "She tried so hard to make sure you were okay. Even when you…" His voice falters.
Tears are streaming down my face. My mouth is nearly fully closed, my lip just barely cocked up on one side. It's like…I can't remember it, but I FEEL it. Somewhere in me, in this dull throbbing ache in my chest. Everything she did. And it still wasn't enough. She couldn't save me.
…or…I guess…she could?
Kinger sighs, and stands up. He holds his hand out to me "Do you want to see the othe-"
"NO!!!" My voice is a hoarse shout. Kinger jolts back, blinking in shock. "I mean-I-I-" I clutch my chest, "The light. The light, it hurts, it makes me…" I stare at it streaming through the flap, and shiver.
"I see…" He nods, bringing his finger up under his metaphorical chin. He looks off, kind of determined, before turning back to me. "I'll get Pomni. She'll want to know about this."
I…
Pomni. I want Pomni. I nod.
He picks his bucket back up, and pops it over his head. I can't help myself but snicker, leaning back a bit. "You look ridiculous, man."
He chuckles. "Well, I don't always need it. You're not the only one getting better. And, honestly, sometimes it's not so bad to just…let the light take me away for a while."
"Yyyyeah," I say, "I'll bet it's great."
We share a look for a moment. And then he leaves. He leaves me alone. In the dark. I curl up, looking down at myself. It's just…black. Pitch black. It's at least settled down now, I mostly look like myself. As much of 'myself' as I ever have.
…It's not long until I hear rushing footsteps. She skids into view, those weird multicolored eyes shot huge. "J-" She gasps. She doesn't bother to even finish my name. She rushes in, and wraps her arms around me. I stammer, holding my arms to the side. My brain rings the alarm, tries to tell me to shove her away, to-to shove her-to shove her-no, no, no, no, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO-
She lets go, and steps back. "You're alive. You're really alive." I'm breathing heavily, hand brought up to my chest. I look up to her. I think I'm trying to say something, but the panicked hyperventilation is just making it too hard to think. She blinks, and looks down at her hand. It's not glitching. She slowly smiles, curling her fingers together and looking at me. "You'll be okay." Her voice is nearly a whisper. "I promise."
Somehow, for some reason, I believe her. I nod.
"I missed you," she says.
I laugh. "Well…glad someone did."
"You'd be surprised, actually. I mean…Ragatha…Kinger. Caine, even Zooble I think-"
"Wait, CAINE!?" I say, baffled. "What do you mean Caine, wasn't he-!?"
"Woah, woah, hold on!" Pomni steps forward, and takes my hand in both of hers. "Calm down. A lot's changed since you abstracted, okay? Caine…did a lot of learning. He came back to us, and he wanted to change for the better. So we let him."
"After…all of that?" I say, with a weak shake of my head. My voice is…pathetic. Nearly a whimper.
"After all of that." Her tone is firm, her expression determined. I know she knows exactly why I'm asking. I give a half-hearted scowl, looking away.
My hand curls to wrap the slightest bit around one of hers.
"How…" I look at her out of the corner of my eye, "How long has it been?"
"Just over a year," she says. "It's April 28th now."
"What?" I blink, "You have a date?"
"Caine found an internet access point," She explains. "The connection's pretty bad, and he needs to venture out into the void to use it, but…it's there. We can at least kinda keep up on things. He…found all of our real names."
I blink. My eyes go wide. I don't ask, but I hope she knows I want…
"It's Leeroy. Leeroy Ma-"
I let out a single, shocked cackle. "Leeroy!? Seriously!? No wonder I wanted to change it!" I put my fingers up to my temple, snickering. Pomni's not laughing with me. I slowly trail off.
"...Speaking of," she says.
I feel a pit well in my stomach. "Wait. What? What did I say?"
"...Jax, when I was trying to help you, I saw…a memory. You and Ribbit." No. "In her room." No, no, no, nonononono
She looks up to me, gently. "Look," I start (my voice is so SHAKY, I sound like a wet dog, fuck fuck no no nonono) "Pomni, I don't know what you saw, or what you think you saw, but-"
"Jax."
My mouth shuts.
"I'm not telling you to talk to me right now."
"Not right now," I agree.
"But I won't let you run away again."
………
I sigh bitterly, closing my eyes. "Fine."
She nods.
I sigh, and flop onto my back, staring up into the fabric sky above me. Pomni turns around, taking a seat next to me. She looks down towards me thoughtfully, and I slowly meet her gaze.
…She breaks after a moment, a single laugh, failed to be covered by a fist coming up to her mouth. "What?" I ask.
"You seriously look like shit, man," She sighs fondly.
I look up to my blackened hand. "Yeah, I can imagine."
"Do you…want to see?"
I curl my fingers, blinking. Do I want to see…
A little. "Sure, why not?" I sigh. I turn to her with a sly look, "Hey, it's gotta be better than I looked yesterday, am I right?"
She laughs. "I'll give you that." She closes her eyes, and a hand mirror appears from thin air. She's gotten pretty good at that. She hands it to me, and I slowly take it.
Wow, she wasn't kidding. I do look like shit. My whole face is totally black, I kind of expected that. My eyes are multicolored, a subtle swirling behind my pupils. And not just that, but so are my teeth. I pull my lip away a bit, just to get a better look at the strange, iridescent movement.
"It looks…drippy," I say, shaking out my free hand. I turn to her, "Right?"
"Uh…" She doesn't seem to get what I mean.
"Like, this rainbow stuff. Feel like it'll fall outta my face and start oozing on the ground, or something."
"Gross," she says. She holds her hand out for the mirror back. I shrug, and give it. When I blink, it's like it was never there.
"Is there…anything else you want?" She asks.
Anything else I want…yeah. Yeah, there is, actually. "Water," I say. "Feels like I haven't had anything to drink in a year."
"A little over a year," She corrects.
I scoff, "Yeah, well, I'll be a little over it if you-" I stop myself, my mouth slamming shut. I'm shaking. Pomni is looking at me quizzically, clearly not certain why I'm reacting this way. I'm not either.
She scoots just a little closer to me. She slowly reaches her hand out, like she's defusing a bear trap, and presses it against my side. I shudder, drawing my hands across my shoulders.
"Yeah, okay, a little over a year," I say, "Just-water. Please."
"Right!" She says, shooting up like she's only just remembered the request. She gets to her feet with a little 'hup', and runs off. "I'll be right back!"
"Yeah!" I wave, "You better!" I sniff. "You better."
I take slooow breaths. It'll be fine. I'll be fine.
She's back before long with a glass. I swish it around, and watch the vaguely jank fluid dynamics swirl around. I close my eyes and knock back my head, downing it all in a series of loud glugs. Pomni snickers a bit.
When I open them again, she's just…looking at me. Affectionately, I guess. "What?"
"You still do the thing where your whole mouth opens up into a toothy maw," She says.
"Oh. Yeah, I guess I do. What, that's funny?"
"Yeah," She says, "Kinda."
Huh. "Heh. Good." I look at the glass, and debate just throwing it away and letting it shatter. Eh. Don't want broken glass in my tent. …Huh. "Hey, why didn't you just conjure this out of thin air?"
She blinks. Opens her mouth, then closes it and looks at her hand. She laughs, and shrugs. "Guess I'm still not quite used to it."
"...So. A lot's changed, huh?" I sit up, and rest my arm on my knee.
"Yeah. Caine came back, and now this place is…" She thinks. "It's ours. Him included. All of us can create now, and…he won't tell us much about why, but he says that he gave up a part of himself out in the void. He's not any more powerful than any of the rest of us anymore."
"Well," I say, "That's good. Means he won't be turning me into a bowling pin any time soon. Or a vegan."
"Do you want to talk to him?"
I snort. "Hell no."
"What about…" Pomni sucks in a breath, "Anyone else?"
….
"I don't think anyone else would want to talk to me."
"Jax, you know that's not true."
"No, Pomni," I say, frustration creeping into my voice, "I don't. I don't know what's been going on since I've been gone, okay? I can barely remember the day I abstracted, let alone any of…" I gesture around, "This. For all I know, Rags has gone punk or something."
"Well," Pomni says, "Actually…"
"See!?" I sigh, dragging my hands down my face. "I don't know this place anymore. And even if I did, I don't know me anymore. Look, I don't know what I want. I'm some kind of half-abstract freak stuck in the dark, and that's pretty much all I can tell you about myself right now."
She sighs. "Okay. I'll tell them to leave you be for a while."
"Thanks, Pom-pom." I shut my eyes, and rest my hand on my chest with a heaving breath. I look out towards the light.
"Do you think I'll ever be able to go back out there…?"
"I do," she says.
"Hunh." I shrug a bit. "Alright. I guess I've gotta believe you."
"You've been getting better. And so has Kinger."
"Yeah, he mentioned that…"
"I know you went through a lot of pain, Jax. And it's going to take a long time to heal from it. But I believe that you can."
"Y-" I stutter a bit. I…can't hope. I won't. But if she's this confident, then…"Yeah…"
Pomni lays next to me, splaying her arms to the side. She looks over. "Jax?" She says, quietly. "I need you to promise me something."
I laugh, and look to her with a smirk. "What, I'm not even back 45 minutes and you're al…ready…" I falter at the seriousness in her expression. There's a long pause. "Look, I'm not gonna promise anything before you tell me what it is."
She nods, slowly. "You…you're getting better. You're you again."
"Yeah?"
"That means that…some of the other people who abstracted." She puts her hands on her chest, locking her thumbs together. "They might be able to do it too."
Two faces flash through my mind. "y-yeah. I guess so."
Pomni looks back to me. "If she comes back, promise me you'll talk to her."
A lump forms in my throat. "I. I…" I sniff. "I can't…Pomni, did you see what I-"
"You didn't kill her, Jax." Her voice is barely audible.
I shake my head. "How can you say that?"
"Because I know. You hurt her. You could have helped her. You didn't. And she died." She sits up, giving me a stern look. "But that doesn't mean you killed her. And…" She says, carefully, "She might not be lost forever. And if she isn't. You'll talk to her. Promise."
"...I…" More than anything else, in this moment, I don't want to let her down. "I promise."
She smiles. "Good."
"...I think you'd have liked her, you know." I turn over, to my side, looking away from Pomni.
"I think so too. She seemed…" She giggles, "Pretty cool, honestly."
"Uh…yeah," I say slowly, "She was."
"You could see her, you know."
"w-" I jolt, sitting up straight, "What? What do you mean?"
"We set up an aquarium in the basement. I could probably make you an entrance in here, or maybe we could find a way to keep you in darkness as you walked around the grounds…"
"An aquarium??" I ask, with a shake of my head.
"Yeah," She says with an enthusiastic little nod, "an aquarium! The abstractions seem to like swimming around in there. It's nice and dark, and it lets us visit them."
"That's…huh. Good thing I didn't wake up in there, huh?"
Pomni giggles. "Yeah, a little bit. We wanted to keep you up here. See how you took to it. All things considered…"
"Pretty well," I finish.
"Pretty well. A-all things considered," She repeats.
I sigh, and slowly get up to my feet. I roll my shoulders. "Hnnnngh, that's a hell of a crick in the neck…what have I even been doing all this time?"
"Sleeping?" She says. "Pacing. A lot of pacing. Sometimes someone would come in and sit with you for a while…we let you into the aquarium to swim a couple times, but we kept getting confused which one was you so…"
I laugh. "Well, wouldn't wanna accidentally let someone out that was actually worth…bringing…ba-" I scowl, shaking my head. "What? Ew, why did I SAY that??" I run my hand over my head, pinning my ears back.
"Hm," Pomni says, "You still have your tail."
"Huh?" I'm completely distracted, as I try my best to see it. Kind of hard, with black-on-black in the dark. "Of course I still have my tail, why wouldn't I have my tail?" I pat where it's at, and confirm with the soft feeling of fluff that it is, in fact, there.
"'Cause you didn't for, like, half the time I knew you?" She shrugs.
"Well. It's still here," I say, letting out a sigh of…relief, I think? Pomni stands up and walks over, holding her hand out to me. I stare at it, then look at her face. She nods slightly, moving it closer. "Don't embarrass me…" I mutter. "I don't need to hold your hand like some stupid child."
"Okay," Pomni says. "But I want to get the chance."
I give a groaning scoff. And take it. She squeezes, and I squeeze back. I feel my body shake. Not an unnatural shaking, but just…honest-to-god shivering. I feel…scared. Scared of what could have happened. Scared of what didn't happen. What was supposed to have happened, right? I abstract, I get out of everyone's life, all of this happily ever after happens without me. But I'm here now. So now what?
"So…" Pomni says, "Now what?"
I blink, stunned. "Huh? I don't know, didn't you all have, like…a plan?"
"Not really. We just tried our best to support you. Keep you comfortable." She shrugs, "Beyond that, it was really just…hope. But you're back now. What do you want to do?"
I look down, uncertain. "Iiii…" I blink, then look to Pomni. "Think I wanna learn how to play more piano?"