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Ragatha.
The name she'd grown used to hearing.
The name that she had chosen for herself.
It… was a strange sense of euphoria for the woman, being called a name that she chose for herself, not one thrusted upon her from the second her mother's piss told her she was pregnant.
Her name before the circus was Suzie, as she recently came to re-learn thanks to Caine's little presentation. She was very conflicted with the results of that presentation, but that's something for another time.
Her mother's name was Suzanne. She could hazily recall a memory from her childhood, when her mother would answer her questions;
"Mama, why did you name me Suzie?" Her speech was slightly impeded due to her missing front tooth. Her mother smiled warmly at her.
"Well, it's because for a long time, all the women in our family have been named 'S' names. It's a family tradition."
"Are you an 'S' word?"
"An 'S' name, sweetheart. And yes, I am. Your name is actually a nickname of mine, Suzie. You truly are my mini-me."
Suzie giggled as her mother pinched her nose gently.
…
Ragatha doesn't like her pre-circus name.
It felt wrong on her tongue, even worse in her ears. Seeing it on the screen of the projector made her head spin. When she associated herself with it in her head, she felt nausea creep up her throat.
The worst was when the others tried calling her by it. They hadn't done it for long, especially after taking Pomni's main character-esque speech to heart, but when they did;
Ragatha was idly chattering with Caine on the couches. It still felt a little odd, if she were to be honest. She still felt the tug in her heart around him, she still was decidedly nervous about him as a concept. After all, he did make her face her worst fear again. But, he was being very emotionally intelligent about everything. It seems that in the wake of him blowing up and being deleted, he gained an impressive amount of empathy and respect.
"—it actually look like a chestnut, or is that just a name?"
"He was chestnut coloured! It's… a bit of an on-the-nose name, I suppose. It's funny, because he was the one I was allowed to spend the most time around, so when my mother… when she said I smelt too much like horses — goodness, I miss the smell — I'd ask for a chestnut scented perfume."
"Perfumes can smell like nuts?!"
A snort resounded from the bar, where Zooble was mixing up another set of fancy drinks. Very mature, Ragatha said to herself.
"Yeah! Though, not entirely nutty. They'd have to have a hint of vanilla, I'd presume. I… don't actually know how perfumes work." Ragatha's mind drifted back to foggy memories of perfume bottles and mirrors, and the nostalgic browns from the wood and horses in a stable.
"Hey, Suzie, mind helping with—"
Shit, her muscle memory betrays her once again.
Almost like she was Zooble when holding their breath, she straightened her posture, and put on a placating smile.
Her spine felt as if someone had dumped ice down her dress, and she had to clench her hands in her lap to stop them from trembling.
"Whoa." She heard Caine say, but her mind was much more focused on the sheer panic she felt run through her. Why was she so scared? She's in the circus, for fucks sake, she was just talking to the pair of dentures she'd grown to love.
"You… you good?" Pomni — oh hey, it's Pomni — asked. Having rounded the corner of the sofa, she placed one of her gloved hands on Ragatha's own.
"S-sorry. I don't know… I have no idea why I reacted like that." Only partially a lie.
"No, no, you're alright."
"Did you not like being called Suzie?" Caine asked, and curse the tremor that shook her body, curse the stupid fact that of course Caine knew that.
"Uh… not at all, actually. I dunno why."
Again; still not entirely a lie. Nobody needs to know that she was scared of the name because of the fact that it was drilled into her mind that when her name was used, she was about to experience pain.
She promised she'd stop thinking like that.
"That's okay! Honestly, I've been having trouble calling everyone their pre-circus names anyways. If you're more comfortable with Ragatha, you're always Ragatha to me." Pomni smiled, rubbing her hands gently, reassuringly.
Beside her, Caine gave two thumbs up. Zooble nodded as well, telling her how they'd make sure to tell Gangle and Kinger to keep calling her that as well.
"Anyways, Ragatha, could you come help with some sewing? I can't seem to figure out how to get the fabric the way I want it to be."
"Of course, hon. Come with, Caine? I'll answer more questions that you have."
Caine nodded shyly, and the three were off to Jax's Abstraction Tent.
Suzie was not her name. It was too close to Suzanne, too close to everything she left behind, here and in the real world.
If she were to really think about it, Suzie hadn't been her name. Not since she first stepped into the circus. Given that her existence was merely brain scans, she was no longer literally Suzie. She was, for all intents and purposes, not Suzie. She is Ragatha.
The existential implications of her existence were far better off left unconsidered.
She can't stomach looking in the mirror anymore.
It was an unfortunate discovery she made just before crawling into bed. Pomni was on her way to stay over for the night, they had just gotten together a few weeks prior. She was just slipping her nightwear on, and she looked in the mirror to scout out any tags. Horrible idea.
As if the fact that she occupied her nightmares wasn't enough, the shadow of her mother was the only thing to reflect in the mirror.
Oh, God.
Her hair was the exact same. Her shoulders were the same. Her build was the same.
She felt so, so nauseous. She couldn't look away.
Every force on the planet kept her eyes locked on the sick mockery in the mirror.
"You truly are my mini-me."
Oh, God, she remembers how everyone would say she looked like her mother.
Her ears were ringing now. Were they ever not?
Is that why she had her eye gouged out that day? Because she was a pitiful copy of her mother, and she didn't like that fact?
Was she even her own person?
"F-fuck—"
Even simple biology showed that a kid was their parent's DNA combined. In hindsight, there was no reason to be so viscerally upset about this, but Ragatha couldn't help but panic at the thought that there was nothing unique about her. She was some mash of her parent's DNA, she is only their essence, she is not a unique person, she is not herself.
Looking down, facing her own body, she could only think about how desperately she wanted to tear her skin off, gut herself and exist only in concept. She didn't want to be tethered to this body anymore. She was just her mother but smaller. She wasn't herself.
Ragatha walked forward on shaky legs, and grabbed ahold of her mirror.
She flipped the thing around. No longer was she haunted by her reflection.
It wasn't enough.
Don't, Ragatha, Pomni's on her way! She'll see this!
She dragged the vanity towards a table, situating the glass side of the mirror towards the corner.
Stop!
With a shaky inhale, she kicked it onto the table, hands shaking as the mirror shattered under the force.
Slowly, she backed onto her bed.
"Ragatha? You still alright in there?" Pomni slid the door open. The ragdoll looked up, trying desperately to put herself back in the present.
"Hey, hon…"
"Are you okay? Is— oh, your…"
After a moment's hesitation, Pomni stepped over the shards of glass and sat on Ragatha's bed.
"Do you… feel like talking about it?"
"There… I… she… I look so much like her, Pomni…"
"Oh, Ragatha…"
Pomni took her hand.
"You really don't. You aren't anything close to her, emotionally, mentally, or physically. Not in here, not out there."
"Pomni, she– I'm… when… when Caine put me through– she was just like me, but bigger. She had my hair, my body, my everything– I'm just–!"
Pomni squeezed her hands.
"Easy, love."
"And, in– out there, I'm just her and my father's DNA. I'm not– I'm not my own person, I'm just her–"
"Ragatha. You are your own person. In here, and out there. You know why?"
Ragatha blinks.
"Caine just used your… eugh, your model to make her model, because he doesn't know what she looks like. You aren't her in that sense."
Ragatha curled in on herself. Pomni supposes that wasn't very comforting.
"And out there, you're even less her. Because you got away from her. You succeeded in what you wanted to. You became someone completely different from her out there."
Ragatha gave a small nod.
"…Hey. I, uh… this might be strange, but… do you think you'd wanna go talk to Riley about this tomorrow?"
Right, Zooble slash Riley was the one that knew a lot about identity stuff…
She squeaked out an affirmative sound.
"Okay. We can do that," Pomni smiled, now shuffling closer to her ragdoll, "Let's get some rest, shall we? You'll be safe, I promise."
Ragatha nodded again, scooting into bed.
"I love you," she whispered once they got settled, her head underneath Pomni's chin, "and thank you. And I'm sorry."
Pomni rubbed her back, reassuring her with a tired edge to her voice;
"It's nothing, lovely, you don't have to be sorry. I love you more."
They both eventually drifted off to sleep. Ragatha had a peaceful, dreamless slumber.
Pomni mentioned the conversation with Zooble over breakfast. Ragatha felt a little exposed, but she kept her eyes on her plate.
"Hey, Riley?"
"Hm?"
"Would it be alright if Ragatha and I stopped by later for a chat? It's a bit important."
Zooble's antenna twitched in curiosity.
"Of course, you don't gotta ask. Is everything alright? Please don't tell me you're breaking up, it's been like three weeks."
"No! God, no. Dude. It's not that at all."
"Phew. You had me worried there."
—
Zooble's room was very colourful. They didn't seem to like it very much.
"Alright, Rags. What's on your mind?"
"I, uh…"
She mindlessly scratched at the back of her neck. Pomni held her other hand for emotional support.
"I… I think I'm having troubles with my uh, my identity."
"Oh? Well, you definitely came to the right person, then."
Pomni chuckled.
"I… I was– God, I have no clue how to describe it."
"That's alright. Would me asking a few questions help?"
"I say let 'er rip. This stuff helps." Pomni whispered into Ragatha's nonexistent ear.
"S-sure."
"Cool. Do you feel like a woman?"
Ragatha pondered for a moment, then shrugged.
"Like a man?"
Ragatha shrugged again.
"In between?"
"Yes and no."
"Right. Like nothing at all?"
Again, Ragatha shrugged.
"I– hm. I want to like… exist as a concept. I don't wanna have a physical body…?"
"Huh. Are you comfortable with more feminine pronouns?"
"Yes. Yeah, that… still works."
"Pronouns don't equal gender though, right?" Pomni chimed in, glancing around.
"Nope. It's always good to check though. So… and there was a 'no' to not being anything…"
With a sigh, Ragatha spoke again.
"I feel like I've had femininity drilled into me for my whole life, but after something happened last night, my whole view on myself shifted. I don't like… being perceived the way I am. I don't… I don't want to drastically change myself. God, I just… don't wanna bother."
Zooble pondered.
"I've… I've got two for ya. Um… take this with a grain of salt, I'm sure I don't have the definitions memorized entirely here… There's 'unlabeled', where you're, well… unlabeled. You don't have anything that fits your feeling, so you say fuck it and aren't anything. Or, 'genderqueer'. Being genderqueer is pretty much just describing your gender as queer in some way. Your identity fits outside the typical gender binary and non-binary. Some kind of anomaly floating in the sky, or something."
"Jeez, that's impressive." Pomni mutters, earning a wave of the hand.
"I did a lot of research."
Ragatha… felt something. Like finding something after it being lost for ages. Like she was finally rid of her lethologica.
"Genderqueer…"
Her being perceived as something impercievable. As Zooble put it, some kind of anomaly floating in the sky.
'…and exist only in concept. She didn't want to be tethered to this body anymore.'
"Rags?"
Like a puzzle piece fitting in place after finding too many similar pieces that never worked.
She breathed. She smiled.
"I think that means she found her answer."
For once, she didn't feel slightly misplaced.
"Rags, you've got stars in your eye. Come back to us, we need to congratulate you."
She snapped out of it.
"One last thing! Are you absolutely sure you're still good with she and her? Many people under the genderqueer umbrella use more gender neutral pronouns. We can try it out if you feel like it. It's all up to you."
"…I like she… but I wanna try it out?"
"Heard. Pomni, talk about Ragatha using she and they pronouns."
"Wh- okay. Um… Ragatha's my lovely girlfriend. She's really pretty and extremely kind. They're never afraid to help anyone and I'm very proud of how far they've come since the day we met."
"It's so gay in here."
Pomni flipped Zooble off. They shot her teasing look.
Ragatha felt at home.
"So? How do you feel, hon?" Pomni looked at her girlfriend, heart skipping a beat at the unfiltered joy on their face.
"I… I feel like me. I really do."
"I'm so happy for you, Rags." Zooble smiled as much as they could with no mouth.
She hadn't visited Jax's tent in a while. She felt guilty as they stepped into the dark.
"Jax?"
The abstraction's eyes darted towards them.
"Sorry to bug you. I… I missed you. Wow, hard to believe I'd ever admit that." She chuckled.
The abstraction looked like she snickered as well.
"I hope it hasn't been too awful here. I know Pomni visits you often."
Jax nods.
"We've been thinking of getting all the abstr– everyone their own aquarium."
She smiled softly.
"I know you always hated the water. But… you'd be with Ribbit and Kaufmo again. Kinger would be able to see Queenie again."
Ragatha fiddles with her new dress.
"Caine gave me a new wardrobe. I wish you were still here, because… I saw a dress that– that you'd like."
Jax perked up at that, continuing to sway gently nonetheless.
"And… I uh… I figured something out, thanks to Pomni and Zooble. Er, a lot of things."
Jax continued to listen.
"I'm not sure how much Pomni told you… Our lives, out there. I'm sure you got the whole story. Um…"
Ragatha went to lay down slightly closer to Jax. She didn't move away from the ragdoll.
"After something happened one night I… rest in peace that mirror. I never want one again, actually. I'm sure you get that feeling."
She nodded.
"Yeah… um… I had a talk with Zooble the next morning and… I'm genderqueer. It… heh… it still makes me so happy to say out loud."
Jax's many eyes widened. There was a slight sparkle to them.
"I… you'd say you don't care but… I hope you knowing that reminds you that you aren't alone in that sense."
She said nothing. No noise.
"…I still have a hard time knowing if I'm ever going to forgive you."
Silence.
"Sorry. Bad time."
Ragatha heard their name being called from a distance.
"Oof. I'm sorry, I should go now… I'll come back later."
Jax nodded, her eyes shutting.
"See you soon."
Between the tent and the dining table, Ragatha walked with a weird feeling in her chest. Missing someone who hurt you was a weird, weird feeling.
Kinger answered the call of his name remarkably fast.
"Ragatha, my dear! Come in!" He beamed, scooting away to leave room for the doll to enter.
She was in her sleepwear again, gotten ready for bed a bit too early.
"Hi, Kinger." She said once they were both situated in the pillow fort.
"How are you holding up, moth?" He asked, her nickname sending red to her cheeks.
"Quite alright. Ready to rest up after building the aquarium." She said, pushing her hair around on her head.
"I feel you." Kinger answered simply, eyes crinkling.
"…Hey, Kinger?" She prompted, now fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.
"What's the matter, moth?"
"…Can I meet Queenie?"
His eyes widened. Her eyes widened in reply.
"Not– not like in the sense of 'Abstracting to see her'–"
"I figured, dear. I'm sure she'd love to finally meet you."
Ragatha sighed, a fond smile on their face. With her head rested on their plush knees, they let herself breathe for the first time in a hot minute.
"I have a feeling that's not the only thing you want to say to me."
Ragatha's eyes pried open.
"You read me far too well."
Kinger chuckles, covering his mouth with his hand gently.
"It's my job, moth. What's bothering you?"
"It's not bothering me so much as I think you should know. I… I had a discovery a few weeks ago."
Kinger nodded in his oddly comforting way, washing away her nerves like the tide with drawings in the sand.
"I was having a lot of troubles with my identity after the whole circus fiasco. One night, everything caved in when I saw her in my mirror. And um… when I went to speak with Zooble the next day, they helped me realise something."
"Is it a good thing?" Kinger queried, head tilted slightly.
"Yeah. Yes, it's great. It made me feel like I was no longer misplaced in my own body– it's great."
"That's wonderful."
"I'm… I'm genderqueer. And I use she and they pronouns."
Kinger let out an 'ooh' before nodding.
"I'll keep that in mind." Kinger smiled, again, with his eyes, before offering a hug to the doll.
Ragatha accepted instantly, leaning into his embrace with no issue.
"I'm very proud of you, you know? You've come so far, I've noticed. Between you and Pomni and now this… I'm so happy to see how you've grown, moth."
Ragatha smiled, warmth building in their eyes as she listened.
"Thank you, dad."
Kinger's eyes widened.
After a moment, Ragatha jolted.
"Ah, wait! I'm so–"
"Shh, hon. It's alright, I don't mind. I'm glad you see me that way."
They looked away in embarrassment anyways.
"Thank you for being here, Kinger." She muttered, blinking away tears.
"I'm happy to be."
A faint noise echoed in the distance.
"I think that's Pomni." Kinger said, finally letting Ragatha go.
"Thank you for listening, dad." She saw the happiness on his face when she called him that, so they fought off the embarrassment.
"Of course. I'll meet you at the aquarium tomorrow?"
"You can count on me."
Ragatha was met with Pomni's wide, sleepy eyes barely seconds after exiting the pillow fort. Wordlessly, they joined hands and walked back to the rooms together. For a few minutes, there was comfortable silence.
"So, dad? Kinger?"
"Wh- Hey! He is kinda like a dad…"
"I'm not disagreein', sweetheart."
"Then don't tease me for it!" Ragatha whined, flashing their playful frown at the jester.
"Sheesh, you're like a wet cat."
"Says you!"
"Yeah, maybe."
"You're my wet cat, darling."
Pomni sputtered.
"Would you dry me off if I were a wet cat?"
Ragatha blinked, an amused smile gracing her face.
"Of course. I'd collect stars in a bottle and make a bracelet for you with them if I could, honey."
Pomni's face flushed.
"I feel like since stars are just fire, that'd kill me."
"You're ruining my flirting! I can see you blushing!"
"No! You're seeing things!" Pomni turned away. Ragatha giggled, running to Pomni's other side.
Pomni smirked and turned away again. Ragatha followed.
They did this for a while, before…
"Pomni, darling? I think we walked past both of our rooms."
They were in an unfamiliar hallway. Pomni's face twisted.
"Shit."