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Are you satisfied with what you’ve done?
iTrapped can't help but ask himself that question, the very thought that haunts his mind. He stares into the mirror, watching as the shadows of his reflection gaze back at him. His own tired eyes greet him, ones carrying the weight of nightmares far beyond his understanding. Like always, he hasn't been able to sleep. It evades him, remaining just out of reach.
No. I don't think I am, he admits silently, turning away from his reflection, no longer able to bear looking at it. He doesn't want to acknowledge what he’s done, and the path he had to take to get to this point.
Once, I thought that a simple key would solve all of my problems. But I was wrong… It can't even fix these guilty feelings of mine. And now I’m left here, forever stuck in the remnants of the past. I should feel happy—I managed to achieve my goal to free my friends. But there's this sense of emptiness that lingers in the aftermath of your absence, a crushing void that envelopes me whole.
I feel so lonely in this world… now, more than ever.
He’s been skipping on a fair bit of sleep recently—he hasn't gotten a proper wink ever since that day. Instead of putting himself through another bout of suffering, he has chosen to force himself awake, and hide away in the supposed peacefulness of the bathroom. It feels safer here, detached from those horrible memories of his. But despite his best efforts, it all proves to be in vain. And he knows he cannot ignore his struggles forever, yet he still continues to try. Desperately, he goes through his day, ignoring that sinking feeling in his chest. He should feel better now, with his friends by his side.
Truthfully, he doesn't. It just makes him feel worse, seeing their faces. It's a reminder of the sin he had committed, the sacrifice it required to bring them back. And there's nothing else he can do to ever fill that hole in his heart.
Lately, I’ve been having those same nightmares again—the ones where I wake up sobbing, because I’m thinking of you, Chance. And I feel so awful, like I’m practically drowning in this sea of guilt. But I know I can't tell anyone about how I feel… not even my trusted friends, the ones I worked so hard to save. They don't know what I’ve done, the grave mistake I’ve made.
Will they look at me differently when they know the truth? Will they understand why I had chosen to do such a thing, and the lengths I had to go to just to save them both?
And I want to say that I did it for you two, that this was my selfless act of sacrifice. But I don't even know if that's the truth. Perhaps I was selfish, too blinded by my own arrogance to come up with another way to solve my problems.
Did I simply do this for myself, because I missed you two dearly? Were my actions only motivated by my feelings of guilt, for leaving both of you behind?
iTrapped glances back towards the mirror. He’s been sneaking away these past few nights, unable to handle another nightmare. He can't keep reliving that same damn night, over and over again—it’s slowly driving him mad, with the haunting repetitiveness of it all. Plus, he doesn't want Caleb or Ellernate to hear him crying in his sleep, and see him like this, so weak and vulnerable.
But when he looks at the reflection in it, he notices something. No. It's someone… else. A face that wasn't his. It's them.
Chance. Chance is staring right back at him, unblinking. His eyes are cold and lifeless, with no hint of their former warmth to be found. Blood seemingly starts to drip from the side of his forehead, spilling onto the ground below. And he’s whispering that same question, the very one that's been haunting iTrapped all this time—
“Was all of this worth it?"
But this time, things are different. Chance doesn’t just ask the question and stare at him with a piercing gaze of theirs that seems to look through his very soul. Instead, the reflection slips out of the mirror, melting into the real world. Their fingers seem to find their place around the soft flesh of his neck… All iTrapped can feel is the cold kiss of death surrounding him as it begins to take hold. Their grip tightens, and with their fingers digging deeper into his neck, nearly suffocating him beneath its pressure.
Only then does he come to a grave realisation. Chance was strangling him, and he wasn't able to breathe.
"S-Stop this… I can't—"
iTrapped struggles against their hold, and tries to pry their hands away from his neck. He desperately needs air, right now. He doesn't know what he’ll do without it.
Please, just spare me from this cruel fate.
But just like always, he doesn't find any reprieve. Not from those haunting nightmares of his, or this suffocating grip of theirs. As if infuriated by his struggle, their fingers seem to dig deeper into his skin, to the extent of breaking it completely. Crescent-shaped marks bloom across his neck, with droplets of blood gathering along the area where their nails have pressed into his flesh.
“Please, Chance," iTrapped pleads, another beg for mercy slipping past his lips. "I’m s-sorry… I’m so sorry…”
But their fingers don't seem to give way. They only seem to press tighter, with every ragged gasp that escapes him. He can’t believe it—he’s really going to die like this, from suffering all alone. He’s going to suffocate, and no one will know he’s gone until the morning comes. And he wants to scream for help, but he doesn't even know if anyone else is awake to come help him.
This was it, the end of the line for him. It truly was a fitting death for a selfish coward.
iTrapped slips to the ground, unable to keep up with his struggle. In his haste, he ends up knocking something over in the process. It seems to be a glass cup that had been sitting right beside the sink—and it shatters into multiple sharp pieces, with one larger shard landing right in front of his feet.
He can hardly see now. The shadows from the night have become impossible to differentiate, with the darkness of death mixing in between. Black spots begin to dance across his vision, easing him into a fitful surrender. Even now, he can still feel Chance’s nails digging deep into his skin.
The shard remains there on the ground, as tempting as ever. At that very moment, he makes up his mind, another reckless decision brought about by the absence of slumber. He has no time to lose… This seemed to be the only way out of his predicament. Hence, he quickly picks up the forgotten shard and wraps his fingers tightly around it, before bracing himself for the inevitable pain.
His hand begins to burn white-hot and angry, the sensation caused by the slices of glass that etch themselves into his skin. Still, he holds onto the object desperately, readying himself to stab it into Chance’s fingers.
This is the only way, remember? This is how I’ll end this nightmare, for both you and I.
iTrapped knows he doesn't have the greatest odds, that using a mere piece of glass might not be enough to stop them. Perhaps it was too late to escape from his fate, but at least he can go out saying that he tried his best to live. And so, he closes his eyes, already prepared for the end. Whether it be Chance who takes him in death, or for him to finally succeed in getting rid of them, he does not know.
To his surprise, nothing seems to happen. He expects to be plunged into darkness, never to dream again… but that is not what happens. Instead, unfamiliar hands frantically wrap around his own, pulling the glass shard out of his grasp. He opens his eyes, only to see Ellernate there, their expression full of concern. They’re kneeling right beside him, keeping his hands in place, and far away from his throat. And that's when iTrapped has the dreadful realisation—
He had been moments away from making an irreversible choice. All this while, he was the one who was hurting himself. Those hands he had believed were Chance’s had been his. His reality and nightmares had become indiscernible, slipping into this madness together along the way.
He quickly looks up, catching a glimpse of Ellernate’s expression. They appear to be afraid, terrified for him. And they’re shouting something, words he cannot pick apart. The only thing that’s familiar to him is a name, of someone he cares deeply about, though it is not the person he had yearned to see.
Caleb. They’re yelling out for him, until he comes by the door. He walks slowly, unbothered by everything. It seems that he hasn't realised the gravity of the situation yet.
“What is it? It's in the middle of the night, y’know…!”
His eyes fall upon the sight laid out before him. And he sees everything—from iTrapped looking distraught with crescent-shaped marks all over his neck, to Ellernate’s worried expression and hands that shake uncontrollably.
"Shit."
Caleb instantly rushes over, with shock written all over his face. When Ellernate had shouted for him, he hadn't expected to be met with this. They both seem to be falling apart, seeing how broken iTrapped had become—and they’re struggling to fix things, to maintain what semblance of friendship they used to have. That bond feels like it's the only thing he has left, the very reason he’s still here.
Ellernate is the first to act. They don't ask him any questions, and their eyes hold no judgement in them. They simply pull him into a warm embrace, in an attempt to comfort him. Perhaps they wish to ease his sorrows, to take away whatever pain they possibly could.
“Oh, iTrapped…”
He can feel their warm hands wrap around his, alongside hearing a few kind words they mumble, with a message meant only for him. And that hallucination of Chance fades away, revealing nothing in its wake. But he can still feel something wet on his face, so he presses a hand to his cheek, hoping to wipe it away.
Oh.
The blood he had believed he saw being spilled across the ground wasn't real. It was his tears that had been dripping instead, and this was just another instance of his mind playing tricks on him.
iTrapped doesn't know what to say. Everything seems to swallow him whole—the regrets he holds close to his heart, followed by these endless nightmares that have found its way into his waking moments. And he’s been sinking in these feelings of grief for so long that he has no idea how to escape… So he simply allows them to take care of him for once, and openly show his vulnerable side to them. He lets them guide him away from that cold, dark room, and into the main bedroom, where they both begin to attend to him. Caleb is the one who dresses his wounds, treating him with more care than usual. For once, he is speechless, with his demeanour holding none of its usual sass. Ellernate is standing to the side, watching as they dress his wound. He’s whispering something to Caleb, words iTrapped can't quite pick up—but he still gets the gist of what he’s trying to convey.
“W-What happened to him?”
“...I don't know why…”
“I’m worried, ‘Nate—”
iTrapped shuts all of it out. He can’t bear to hear them speak right now, and know what they think of him, after everything that’s happened. They must be worried sick for him, especially since they had woken up to such a sight. But if they were to ask him for an explanation, then he knows he doesn't have any to give.
I won't tell them the truth. I can't. I’m already so afraid of them seeing me like this, and I can't possibly have them knowing what I’ve done. I… don't want them to leave me. I don't know what I’ll do without you two.
Eventually, Caleb finishes dressing his wounds. They’ve wrapped a fresh roll of bandages around his neck and hand, to cover up the injuries and sins that lie beneath. Those marks were caused by his own doing, from his fingers digging into his skin and gripping onto that glass shard so tightly.
He shudders, thinking about what had happened earlier. If they hadn't been there to stop him, he might not have snapped out of that hallucination in time. God, he had been so close to death—
"iTrapped…?"
He blinks in surprise, with his initial train of thought now lost to the world. He’s realised that someone has called his name, and he hadn't noticed until now. They’re both looking at him worriedly, like they’ve been waiting for him to speak for a very long time. They must have been calling his name out for a while, only to be met with no responses from him.
It's Ellernate who speaks up first, breaking that unwanted silence. iTrapped knows that Caleb doesn't pride himself for dealing with emotional problems like this, so it seems that he’s letting them handle it. It’s strange to watch, seeing them switch positions. Caleb is the one standing now, waiting for Ellernate to take care of things, while they sit down, and move to the edge of the bed, right beside iTrapped. That doesn't mean they aren't worried though—they are, with them both caring about him in their own little ways.
"Are you okay? What happened back there?”
Upon hearing their questions, he can't help but look away. He could never tell them the truth… not now, not ever.
"I don't know,” he admits quietly, fumbling for a reason, something to explain his actions. He ends up coming with a weak excuse, talking in a voice that sounds almost half-hearted. “It’s… no big deal. I must have had a bad dream."
Caleb finally speaks up as well, unable to accept such an excuse. "A bad dream? Don't lie to us. You could have really hurt yourself—” he splutters out, refusing to believe their words. To be honest, he probably wouldn't have believed himself either.
But before he can continue, Ellernate raises their hand, interrupting him. They take the hint, and immediately back off. They’ll let him handle it… They were always better at keeping the group together, and resolving disputes between the trio anyway.
With that settled, Ellernate reaches forward, before gently resting his hand over their bandaged one.
"You don't have to keep any secrets between us—we promise that whatever it is, we won't judge. You’re our friend, iTrapped, and we just want to help you through whatever it is that you’re struggling with."
Still, he can't bring himself to face them. Here they are, freely offering their kindness to him, and the best he can do is refuse.
Do they really care about him? Is what Ellernate saying right now true?
No, he knows they care. They’re best friends, after all. Through thick and thin, they’ll be together. They’re supposed to be.
But he’s a coward, through and through. He can't tell them what it is he’s done, and risk losing them.
I’m not scared of you finding out the truth—I’m afraid of what comes after. I worry that you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone again, with no one else in my life. And I can't have that, can I?
So, he forces himself to remain quiet. His silence seems to spur Ellernate to take matters into their own hands, and they take both of his hands in theirs, before making another plea.
“Please, iTrapped… Whatever it is, we’ll get through this together. You just need to tell us what's wrong.”
I know there's something you’re keeping from us—it’s an awful secret you don't dare to tell us. I haven't worked up the courage to ask you what it is yet, but in my heart, I want nothing more than for you to tell us the truth. And I understand that you want your space after everything that’s happened to us, and for things to go back to how they used to be.
But they can't, iTrapped. Things will never be the same again—too much time has passed, with Caleb and I spending months in the Banlands. We’re not the same as we were before, and that's okay. No matter what you do, things will change. People will come and go, and you have to accept that. But we won't.
We’re your best friends, remember?
Still, you won't tell us. You won't confide in us, or at least let us know you’re okay. You’re far from it, and this was just the latest scare. Don't think I didn't notice anything. I know you haven't been sleeping well, that you’re struggling to stay awake lately. And yet, you keep acting like everything’s fine, like nothing else you do matters. I’m just forced to watch you suffer, and fall apart bit by bit, just like this. With every passing day, your state seems to grow worse—you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, which is a burden no one should have to carry alone.
So how can I pretend that it's all okay?
I can't turn a blind eye to this. I can't leave you alone to sink in whatever hole you’ve dug yourself into. You must have convinced yourself there's no other way out, but you’re wrong, my friend. You don't have to shoulder these troubles all by yourself.
I can see you, iTrapped. Every single piece of you, even the ones you think you keep hidden away from the world. I know you don't want to appear weak, that you can handle it all on your own. You’re doing it because you care deeply about us, because we are the people you love. But you don't realise that by bottling everything up inside, you’re also hurting yourself. And that hurts us too, seeing how helpless we are against this spiral.
These days, you look so haunted, like you’re holding a deep sense of guilt that I cannot understand. You’ve changed, and not in a good way. Even though you’re standing right in front of me, I still cannot seem to recognize who you are—and that scares me. It scares me to see how much you’ve changed, and how bad things are becoming for you.
I care for you deeply, and it hurts me to see how much pain you are in. I don't want to only stop you when it’s too late. There's still time to fix this, before it goes to a point of no return. You don't know this, but what happened today really scared me… I keep thinking about what could have happened, had I not been there.
We might have lost you, just because we couldn't put these feelings into words, and convey what we truly want to say. So this stops now, all of it. As your friend, how can I continue on, letting things spiral out of control?
You saved us from that hell, iTrapped… Now, it’s our turn to save you. And I promise that I’ll try my best to chase away whatever darkness you might be hiding, to make way for that light to return once more. While the world may rest upon your weary shoulders, I’d carry that burden for you any day, even if it hurts me too. At least then, you’ll remember that you aren't alone.
Still, iTrapped does not say anything. He’s simply holding onto Ellernate’s hand, and avoiding their gaze. But he finally speaks, encouraged by their words. What comes out of his mouth isn't what he expects, though.
“...can I have another hug?"
It's a silly question. iTrapped doesn't know why he’s asked them that—but it's something he needs desperately, a gesture to remind him that he is loved. He looks up, catching a glimpse of Ellernate and Caleb’s surprised expression. They must have thought he would end up confessing everything on his mind, not asking for such an… affectionate gesture. He wasn't known to act this way, to initiate such things. Besides, Ellernate had already embraced him once—so a second might feel too overboard, he thinks. They probably would reject him, is what he figures to be the outcome.
But regardless of what they think, they comply with his request. This time, Ellernate is the first to act, with him pulling iTrapped into another hug. At first, he’s careful with them, almost hesitant to hug them, like he’s afraid they might crumble under his grasp. But eventually, he melts into it, resting one arm around his back and holding onto them gently. Caleb follows a moment later, though he’s much stiffer with displaying such signs of affection. He ends up settling his hands awkwardly around iTrapped as well, and yet he too, refuses to pull away. It’s almost as if they’re reminding him that he isn't alone. Even after everything that's happened, he still has both of them.
That thought makes the aching in his chest feel a little lighter. He leans into their embrace, letting its warmth envelope him entirely.
All this time, I’ve been holding something heavy in my heart. But maybe you’ll both understand why I’ve done this. You’ll forgive me… because he cannot.
In a stormy ocean, a place that seems to have no light—we can still hold onto each other, and promise to be better. Bit by bit, we'll heal from the pain and become better people from it. With you two by my side, I must admit that the burden on my shoulders has begun to ease. And I know that we’ve all made grave mistakes, ones that can't be undone, but…
This is a second chance we’ve been given, even if it came at a cost. Even if I had to give up everything, you’ve both come back to me, safe and sound. And that's all that matters—knowing that you’re here with me.
Something within him finally breaks, and he begins to cry in their arms. At first, it comes quietly, with soft, broken gasps that gradually dissolve into tearful sobs. He can’t hold that pain in anymore, and lets whatever has been buried inside him finally give way.
Ellernate holds him tighter, their grip growing firmer now—it’s no longer as uncertain as before. They rest their other hand on iTrapped’s head, offering a gentle, almost protective pat before softly stroking his hair. Caleb stays close to him as well, with one of their hands moving in slow, comforting circles against his back. It’s as though they’ve both decided they’re never going to let go of him, not again.
And iTrapped can only let them love him. He doesn't pull away, nor does he continue to pretend that he has to endure this pain alone. He just thinks about his friends—the ones who care for him so much.
Thank you, my dear friends.
I know that I’m not the same person you once knew. I’ve made many mistakes and hurt someone I wished I didn’t. I suppose all I can do now is to hope I do not repeat the mistakes of the past and move on from whatever that remains of it.
“We’re here for you, iTrapped. And we always will be, no matter what happens between us."
Those words of yours, they offer some hope of peace to my troubled soul. Honestly… I think I’ll tell them the truth in the morning, when things have calmed down. But for now, I’ll stay in your arms and rest easy, knowing you both are here with me. In this life, this is all I need. I mean, it was always supposed to be the three of us against the world, right?
"Why did you leave me to die, iTrapped? Didn't I mean something to you too?”
(Once again, I can only lie to myself.)