Chapter Text
After months of having Coco around. Of watching the girls continue to do the unimaginable. Coco always thinks of an out of the box solution. Richeh’s ‘if it’s something you can’t do, change it to something to can’ mind set. Tetia’s positivity and belief that there is a solution to everything. Agott’s learning how to take the rules as they’ve been set and bend them to her and her loved one’s benefits.
His girls. His wonderful ingenious creative kind girls.
And from them he gets a horribly hopeful idea. One that festers over months. He thinks about his situation with Olruggio. The sky’s kindest and brightest star. How he knows Olly loves him. How he hates that he can’t give him more. How he can’t even tell him that he loves him without dying.
But what if there was a way he could?
When did the tree start to grow? In all their past confrontations, all those conversations that ended with erasing Olly’s memories, what was the moment that made the tree start to grow?
He narrows it down to two scenarios.
1. Whenever he tells Olruggio about the Silverwood tree. The relief of telling Olly the truth.
2. When Olruggio accepts him. When he forgives him. Tells him he loves him.
So, he comes up with a plan. It’s a horribly bad plan. One that probably won’t succeed. But how many plans have his girls pulled off that had no chance of success? As Coco says they can always try something else.
He carefully weighed the risk verse the reward. If this didn’t work, if he told Olly what he believed he could safely tell him, and he believed wrong, if the Silverwood started growing anyway, what happened then? He would have to erase Olly’s memory again. Something he hated doing. But if there was even a chance he could tell Olly how he felt. Let the man he loved more than anything, except their girls, know that he wasn’t alone in his devotion. Qifrey wanted to try. He desperately wanted to give Olly everything he could.
He doesn’t think that this will work. Honestly, he thinks this is one of the most selfish ideas he’s had in a long time. But if there is a small chance of it working. Of him being able to share even a bit of the truth with Olly. He can’t move on with his life until he tries.
He plans it out meticulously. Olruggio had a large commission he’s working on. Qifrey didn’t want to risk having this conversation in the middle of such an important and stressful commission. It was already a selfish plan he couldn’t risk it going poorly and wiping Olly’s memory when he was in the middle of a commission. He had had to do so before and his friend had lost precious time waking up confused and forgetting half of his sudden solution which he had come up with right before discovering Qifrey’s secret.
Qifrey had planned a lesson that lasted the whole week. Challenging the girls and having them work together to create a spell that could levitate a group away while also keeping them warm and dry. The idea came from the wagon crash and flooded river rescue where they had first met Curtis. The girls were excited to come up with an idea that would have saved the day faster than Olly and Qifrey had. Coco was focused on saving not just the people and animals but also their supplies and livelihoods as well.
The lesson required group work and highly specialized seals that could also be drawn unseen. It was truly a test of all their knowledge. And he had planned it perfectly so that they would finish it the same day Olly finished his commission. That night for dinner they celebrated. Qifrey made Olly’s favorite main course while making up all the girls’ favorite sides. The girls were excitedly telling Olly about their spell, all talking over one another to explain their triumph.
After dinner and spending some time together, Qifrey sent the girls to bed. He knew they would sleep well. They had worked hard for a week and would get a good nights rest without trying to solve their teacher’s complex problem. This was perfect as it meant he had the opportunity to talk to Olly alone.
“Olly would you like to join me for a drink?” He watched Olly’s face lit up. It had been too long since the two could spend a moment alone together. Drinks in hand the two sat on the ground in front of the fire.
Qifrey listened as Olruggio told him all about his commission work and how he had figured out the problem. Normally Qifrey would give his friend his undivided attention but tonight his mind was struggling to find a way to broach the topic he so desperately wanted to talk about. His distracted presence didn’t go unnoticed.
“Alright. Out with it. What’s troubling you so?” Qifrey snapped his head up at the sound of Olruggio’s voice his friend was staring at him. It was the same look Qifrey had seen a million times before. Olly’s eyes were focused and his lips turned into a slight frown. It was the face he made when he was trying to solve a problem. When one of his contraptions or spells wasn’t working right, or when he was close to figuring out Qifrey’s secret.
This was a bad idea. But if there was a chance…
Qifrey finished his drink before setting down his loop chalice. “Olly, I have something to tell you.” He turned to face his dearest friend head on and watched as Olruggio’s back straightened up and he pivoted himself to face Qifrey as well. Olruggio finished his own drink and set down his loop chalice as well giving his full attention to his friend.
Now that the conversation had started Qifrey was terrified and back-footed. Where did he go from here? He closed his eye and took a deep breath to settle himself. Before looking back at Olruggio.
“You’re making me worry. Whatever it is-” Olruggio beat him to the punch trying to sooth his friend. Qifrey couldn’t have that. Not tonight.
“Olruggio.” Qifrey’s tone was sharp, cutting his friend off. It was rare that he called his friend by his full name in these stolen private moments. Olruggio shut his mouth, cutting off his own thoughts to allow Qifrey room to speak. In a gentler tone Qifrey continued. “There is so much I want to tell you. But I can’t tell you everything. It’s not safe.”
“What do you mean?” Olly cut him off, panic in his tone. “What isn’t safe? Are you in danger? Are the girls? Qifrey let me help you.” Olly reached across the space between them to grab Qifrey’s hand only for him to jolt away from his touch.
“Olly!” The two stilled Qifrey curled into himself thinking about how horrible this idea was while Olruggio reaching out to him with pleading eyes. After a breath Qifrey steadied himself again. “I will tell you everything that I can, but only if you can do two things for me.”
“Anything.” Olly’s hand was still extended out waiting for Qifrey to reach back. And wasn’t that their whole relationship. Olly reaching out and Qifrey denying him at every turn. Not tonight. Tonight, Qifrey would give all that he could.
“First, I need you to listen. No interruptions. No questions.” If Qifrey was going to survive this conversation, if Olly was going to remember it, then he couldn’t let Olly reassure him at all. This had to be a one-sided conversation.
“Okay. I can do that.” Olly said with a slow nod. Qifrey highly doubted that. Olly was so inquisitive, it’s what made him a good inventor. But hopefully this promise would allow him to curb that. After all it’s not the first abused promise between the two of them.
“Second, once I finish you need to let me go-” Before Qifrey could continue there was an iron grip on his wrist. Olruggio had lunged across the space between them, his hand locked around Qifrey’s thin wrist, his eyes wild and desperate.
“That’s not happening. Ever.” Olly was about to continue when Qifrey cupped his cheek with his free hand.
“You promised to listen. You need to let me go outside. We’re both going to need time to process what I’m about to tell you. I want you to promise me you’re going to give us that space. That time to work through our thoughts.” Time so that he can go outside and make sure he wasn’t going to turn into a tree in the living room. Time for him to get away from this emotional powder keg and prepare for how to handle all the questions Olruggio might have. All the questions he couldn’t answer.
Olly’s breathing calmed as the panic left his eyes and his grip loosened. “Oh.” He closed his eyes and leaned into Qifrey’s hand on his cheek. “I can do that.”
Qifrey felt the Silverwood creaking in his ribs and quickly pulled his hand away. Olly looked back at him with a fair amount of hurt but also understanding. As far as he knew Qifrey didn’t like to be touched.
“Ok, then let’s begin.” Qifrey righted himself and Olly followed his lead to sit back up placing the careful space back between them. “Where to start… I guess at the beginning.” Qifrey turned his head away from Olly. Watching him while he spoke would kill him for sure.
“Olly you were the first person I ever loved. You taught me how to love. It’s because of you that I was able to love Beldaruit. That I’m able to love our girls.”
“I don’t think that’s fair.” Olly started to try to interject but Qifrey plowed on.
“It wasn’t until I was 13 I realized I was in love with you.” Qifrey heard the sharp intake of breath. “And I have been my whole life” Qifrey was cut off as Olruggio lunged forward to press their lips together. It was a miracle that Qifrey was able to get his hand up in time to block him.
For a moment they were still. Qifrey leaning back on one hand while the other rested around Olruggio’s mouth. Olly arms resting on either side of Qifrey, his body resting between his legs. His midnight blue eyes opened to look at Qifrey in confusion. “You promised you’d listen.” Qifrey gently reminded. Slowly, reluctantly Olly pulled back, but not before pressing a lingering kiss to Qifrey’s palm. Qifrey’s breath stuttered in his chest. This was truly a terrible idea.
Qifrey sat back up, it was time to get to the painful part of this conversation. Preferably before he planted his roots into the floor boards.
“Olly I… I can’t give you any more than this.” He said gesturing to their living room. Their home. “This life we built, the girls. I can’t give you more. No matter how much I might want to.” He made the mistake of glancing at Olruggio. The man was watching him with open devotion that slowly morphed into a look of worried determination. It was the look he got when he was trying to fix Qifrey, or the girls, problems. A horrible look for the conversation they were trying to have.
“Why?” Olly asked. “I will take anything you are willing to give me. But if you want more and I want-”
Qifrey squeezed his eyes shut to not have to look at the earnest and pleading look on Olruggio’s face. “Olly interrupt me again and I’ll stop.” Qifrey hated this. He could feel the Silverwood growing. They were getting too close to the delicate line he drew. This was a horrible stupid idea.
Olly shut up immediately. His body stilling, but his eyes desperately searching Qifrey. Slowly Qifrey blew out a breath, his body slightly untensing.
“I don’t think I ever told you the full story of how I came to be at the great hall. I was found in the Forest of Thristas, buried alive and slowly drowning in a coffin.” He heard Olly’s shaky breath, most likely recontextualizing Qifrey’s fear of water. His beloved friend knew he had been found with no memories and had connection to the brim caps but didn’t know all the details. It was one of the foundations of their friendship, his willingness to accept Qifrey as he was, to not push for the answers Qifrey didn’t have. “It wasn’t until later I learned what they were doing to me.”
“Your memories.” Olly quietly mumbled to himself trying so hard to keep his overworking thoughts to himself.
“Are not back. I still have no memories of that time. But I found records of their experiments on me in the Tower of Tomes.” He looked up in time to watch all the color drain from Olruggio face at the mention of experiments being done on him. “They have robbed me of my past, and their experiments continue to rob me of my present and my future.”
Olruggio’s hand flew out once more to claim Qifrey’s wrist. He looked at Qifrey with open desperation. He didn’t need to voice his questions for Qifrey to be able to answer them.
“I’m dying. If I ever get too comfortable, too safe, too loved.” Slowly his hand came up to cup Olly’s face. “Then it’s over. I can’t give you more. I can’t tell you more. It’s not safe. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Qifrey removed his hand from Olly’s cheek and started to stand up. Olly clinged desperately to his wrist moving to his knees to keep his grip. His eyes welling with tears. “Qifrey-”
“Olly. You promised me you’d let me go.” Qifrey needed to get away. Need to leave with the guilt of making Olly cry before Olly does what he always does. Reassure him. Love him.
A sob wretched its way from Olly but he forced himself to let go.
Qifrey moved quickly to the front door. It was starting to drizzle. Good. He closed the door behind him and activated his sylph shoes and took off. The river wasn’t far. He could throw himself in. The shock and fear from the water should be enough to shrink the Silverwood. The Silverwood that was ready to rip from his skin at any minute.
———————————————————————————
Olly sank to the floor. Qifrey loved him. For a second the world was perfect. He wanted nothing more than to gather his closest friend in his arms and kiss him. Return his own confession.
Then Qifrey told him the rest. He was dying. The Brim caps. They had tortured him. Stolen his past from him. And it wasn’t enough. They were still torturing Qifrey. His heart ached.
All this time, the obsession with the Brim caps. Qifrey wasn’t chasing his past, he was trying to save his future, their future, the girls’ future, and Olly never knew. How could he say he loved Qifrey when he never even noticed he was dying?
Qifrey was dying.
Olly breathed. He had to focus. What was it Qifrey said. “If I ever get too comfortable, too safe, too loved.” He thought back over their lives together. All of his contraption, if they weren’t a commission they stemmed from his love for Qifrey. The link rings to dry him. The glow stones to light his path, as his eye struggled to see in the dark. The water repelling seals in his cloak. Even the snug stones to help him sleep. Everything he had made was made with the intention of showing Qifrey how much he loved him. To make him more comfortable. To help him feel safe.
And all along he had been slowly killing him.
In order for Qifrey to live he had to be uncomfortable, scared, and unloved. Olly couldn’t do that.
The Brim caps experimented on him. What did they do? Qifrey said he couldn’t tell him anymore. That it “wasn’t safe.”
But what else had he said?
“I found records of their experiments on me in the Tower of Tomes.”
The Tower of Tomes. Qifrey had known all of this since they were 13 and had hidden it from him. Olly shook his head. That didn’t matter now. The Tower of Tomes had answers. Answer Qifrey couldn’t tell him. Would the relief of sharing his burden fully with Olly do him in? Then Olly would find out the truth from the Tower. He wouldn’t tell Qifrey. Make up some commission in the Great Hall and then take a window way from the Great Hall to the Tower.
He would find out what they did to Qifrey. If he could learn what they did, maybe he could find a way to reverse it. Maybe he could find or create a cure. No one deserved to feel happy, safe, and loved more than Qifrey and Olruggio was going to find a way to make it possible for him.
But right now, he had to come up with a plan to keep him alive. He needed more information. How much happiness was Qifrey allowed before he died. He knows he loves their girls. There was no doubt in his heart that Qifrey adored their girls. So, if love would kill him how was he still alive when the girls loved him just as much as he loved them. When Olruggio lived every day of their lives completely devoted to him. How was he still with them? What about their lives made him feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or unloved? Olruggio hated the idea that Qifrey felt any of those emotions inside of their home, but he couldn’t be upset when those emotions were keeping Qifrey alive.
He needed more information. As painful as it was to let go of Qifrey he was thankful to his friend’s forethought to give them space after the conversation. He needed to think. To come up with questions that would give him the information he needed but not cross the necessary boundary’s Qifrey had to keep himself alive.
Tomorrow night he will ask his questions but tonight he will wait. Wait for Qifrey to come home and make sure he’s safe, or as safe as he can be right now. Tomorrow he will get the answers he can. Then he will plan his trip to the Tower of Tomes. And from there he will find a way to save Qifrey.