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Raph wondered why Splinter tried.
Tried to control him.
Tried to get his temper under control.
You don’t want to be like your uncle, do you?
Raph didn’t know why Splinter tried to care.
His brothers said he did. His brothers pointed out moments of love. Leo did the most, of course. Splinter junior.
He wondered most of all why Splinter loved him, when he wasn’t worth loving.
Raph didn’t know why he tried.
Tried to get his father’s approval.
Tried to get his father’s love.
Tried to do what his father wanted.
It was all futile, he would never be good enough. Not like Leo. Leo was Splinter’s favorite. Leo was the golden child. Raph tried. He really did. He wanted to prove himself, so he fought to be leader. He failed. Splinter loved him, he knew. Deep down he knew. But he still felt unloved. Unworthy.
Because he wasn’t.
Now, looking at Splinter.
Now, holding Splinter’s cold, lifeless hand.
Now, wanting desperately to hold on forever, and hating that he had to let go as they had finally finished the grave.
Now, knowing his father, the one who loved him even if he wasn’t worthy, was dead…
He wondered why he hadn’t tried harder.