Work Text:
Cuba was a shitshow to say the least. One that Erik dwelled on almost as much as Charles who was more of a victim. Then there was Erik who again dwelled on the fact that he was the villain. A monster who he isn't sure that shaw even created or if he was born this way, born flawed and tremendously arrogant.
He hated the facts as much as he hated himself at this point, which to be honest are the same thing.
The facts were that Erik is an asshole, one that deserves all that was going to come to him if he didn't stay.
But he did, he stayed.
Not for himself, not for the opportunity of mutant overrule, for Charles. He doesn't know what that means or what he feels towards the other man but he knows that he cares and that's all that matters. He cares that Charles is alive and not dead. He hated that word 'dead' he really thought Charles was that when he heard his scream ripping through the air. He hated that thought of Charles not being there , not alive.
Charles is a peaceful human as long as you give him a reason to be peaceful, running and coming back after many, many years , he probably would've squared Erik in the jaw, though most like Raven would say it was unlikely, Erik dosent doubt that it wouldn't take a lot from himself to make that man as corrupt as he. If that was even possible.
He doesn't want that for Charles. Charles is the good one out of them both, no, out of them all. There's so much he's done for mutant kind like opening the school that reminds Erik that he's the one to free rather than destroy.
He really, really wanted to make up the part of Charles' life he ruined by showing that sure he wasn't all that good but he want a hell of a lot bad either.
But with Charles' experience there had been a lot of bad, not a lot that can be forgiven.
Then why does Charles already forgive him?
Alex, Sean and Hank sure as hell haven't and nothing even happened to them. Then there is Charles who just can't seem to be angry.
It was near impossible to not be angry at him not being angry.
Though Erik has gotten used to trying to mask his emotions, as long as the telepath isn't intrusive then he should be fine.
Instead he has tried a new thing, protectiveness, over a human being other than himself.
Although it was probably the most stressed he's been as an adult.
He does hugs now…
Yes there was something really wrong with him.
•••
" Ow." Charles hissed below his breath that he thought only a mouse could hear and Erik had the stupid decision of turning his back for two seconds.
They were playing chess and Erik had gone to get the water jug that they had placed far from the table. A stupid decision.
Erik didn't think he couldve moved so fast in his life.
" What?!" He didn't realise he was on his knees in front of where Charles was sitting. He was clutching Charles shoulders tightly. He had gotten a tad crazy with the thought of Charles getting hurt, that he had become sharp at hearing almost everything that went on. He became hyper aware of his surroundings and ultimately Charles. Not a day has gone by since Cuba where he hasn't been at a 2 meter radius of Charles, even when he's teaching. ( Yes he had been sitting with the kids.)
Charles ocean blue eyes didn't look as in shock as Erik's had which made Charles replicate his expression because holy shit he was fast.
Charles was also unadmitedly flustered by how close Erik was and how he touched him with gentleness that since Cuba you wouldn't believe him capable of.
" I'm fine, Erik." He smiled a little , teeth flashing like jewels, a useless disguise against Erik " How did you even hear that?"
Erik was not paying attention as he was searching for the source of the pained sound. He moved Charles around to look, moving his head to see if there was anything he couldn't see. He also felt around Charles heart and general chest and stomach, he knew that he couldn't feel anything below the waistline( which he couldnt not know) so he didn't search there.
Charles was just sitting there and tried not to fight against it , it was almost like he was at the dentist and you have to sit there while they poke around at your teeth. So he just sat there hoping that Erik wouldn't find the source of his pained ' ow '.
Erik realised then that the biggest things could be hidden right in plain sight.
A rage fuelled in his blood that the metal chess pieces rattled on the board and he tightened his hand now around Charles wrist so tight that you could think that he would block off circulation to his hand.
A large cut barely scabbed into Charles' hand, it was fresh.
He stroked over it with his thumb and made himself more venomous when he he heard Charles breath hitched slightly.
" What happened?" He choked out in a whisper.
" It's nothing , Erik, I promise." He tried to pull his hand free and back to his side.
But Eriks grip only tightened and the metal in the room only rattled more.
" What happened?" He said sternly looking to the man above him.
What Erik didn't realise is that his eyes were glossy and his eyebrows faced downward. He looked vulnerable, he looked hurt, he looked human.
" I cut it on a shard of glass." Charles looked downwards almost embarrassed. " It's fine, really, Erik."
The metal still rattled in the room and Erik didn't open his grip.
" Hank looked at it and he said it dosent need stitches." He took his spare hand that wasn't fastened by Erik and took Erik's hand In his, interlocking fingers.
" I'm fine."
The metal still rattled throughout the room.
Erik's mind clouded his words.
" Why don't you hate me?" His face was in defeat of himself, he clenched his jaw trying to keep the sob in but even rocks break under pressure.
" Well, it's not like you're the one that cut me, right?" Charles slightly leaned closer to Erik on his chair.
Erik's lip slightly shook before he spoke. " I almost killed you that day."
" No, no you didn't, Erik." Charles said sternly. Because even with the change of topic , nothing could make him forget that goddam beach.
Erik just sniffled and tried to dry out the salty water in his eyes. He was finding it hard to look Charles in the eye so he kept his head anywhere but his direction.
" I don't hate you." Charles stated with an assurance to prove that he definitely wasn't lying.
Erik's brow furrowed intensely and you can see a blinding glare in his eyes, hatred was him and he was hatred. Definitely not for Charles but for himself.
" Why?!" He looked up at Charles and banged his hands on the armrests with a fraction of his actual strength . Which made Charles flinch as if he was going to be hit.
The metal still rattled like a hurricane. Which definitely wasnt keeping the utter fear lining Charles eyes. His pupils were small and alarmed, as well as his lips were fairly parted, and his eyebrows upwards.
Then Erik realised that Charles put up a guard against him, he thought he was going to hit him. His eyes were flashing and he had a hand rested on his temple and his remaining hand was fisted in the fabric on his leg, as if it was going to hurt. As if Erik was going to hurt him.
No- he couldn't, he wouldnt. Erik couldn't hurt Charles, he can't, the utter thought of it made his stomach and eyes spin. However a reminder was in the back of his mind of what he did do and what he did do was shoot Charles Francis Xavier. That's what got him paralysed and sentenced to life in a chair. Charles didn't do this to himself, Erik did this to him, and he realised if prompted he had the possibility to do it again.
He didn't want to hurt Charles , but the possibility that he could , makes his heart clench.
His breath hitched and becomes uneven and his hold on the armrests loosen.
He could hurt Charles, he already has, he could do it again.
But he can't, he won't.
He is now realising that he hasn't said anything for almost two minutes and that he's shaking, shaking always led to painful crying , Erik hated crying though it never seemed to hate him . Charles seems to notice that as well.
Metal no longer rattles now it's at a calm, yet he feels anything but. Probably because you need to be breath like a normal human being for that to happen.
Charles' hands fall to his sides, no longer in defence, probably because Erik had gone as far as he could from the chair almost immediately after letting the chair go.
Erik can't look at him anymore as his breathing is now focused to the ground, he feels his breathing is going to stop, that as they quicken his life is coming closer and closer to an end.
I can't breathe. Make it stop, oh, God, make it stop! His mind screamed, but his throat couldn't let it out, it didn't have enough air to do so, to let out a noise. The only sounds he made along with his breathing were the whines of pain he let out in between.
" Erik?!" Charles' voice rang out. He dosent know if that was the first time he had said his name.
I can't breathe, I- I can't move! He wondered how the hell he was even stuttering in his mind. It won't stop, it can't stop. I'm trapped, I'm trapped, I can't do anything, I'm trapped!
Erik. A voice that wasn't his echoed in the depths of his mind.
Charles? I can't, I didnt mean t-
I know, Erik , I know, Trust me.
Trust was something that Erik rarely got in life. But the people who normally didn't earn it never asked for it, they just broke it. Like it wasn't pure, like it was nothing.
Charles asked and Erik gave permission that was what earned their bond.
He heard Charles thump down on the ground from the chair that Erik crawled away from moments ago. Using only his now strong arms.
The slight wince that Charles made when he dropped down on his palm made Erik look to the blue pools of his eyes with concern at the sudden motion.
" Hurt." He sounded like a child forming its first morbid word. Now that Charles thought about it he curled up like one until he sat upright.
Emotion is painfully noticeable in children. They're so prone to it that even a wrong word could throw them off, partially what made them out to be naive in mature situations.
Erik seemed to be going back to the times as a child where he couldn't cry.
Though keeping eye contact with Charles, the water from Erik's eyes came down his cheeks. He didn't even seem to notice that they were there.
Though something made Charles understand that maybe Erik feels blood instead of tears coming down his cheeks, and crazy enough Erik would probably prefer it.
Charles shook his head.
" No, I'm not hurt."
Charles reached over and wiped the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs all the while cradling his face.
It was then that Erik finally realised that he was really crying, like really crying.
" Big boys don't cry." He said to himself like it was an oath to live by. Something someone said to him to keep him under his cool. But he can't, he can't be who he is or was because he dosent even know that who he even was is who he actually is.
Charles knew that there was good in Erik, that he couldnt deny. But what he hadn't expected was that there was a child within Erik as well.
A child that just wanted to be loved.
Charles decided that he would be the one to do that, to love Erik.
To love Erik…
He set out a hand past the tears on his face and began to guide Erik's body to his open arms.
Erik fell limp and let him do it, it was as though Charles was bringing Erik's dead body to himself from how limp he actually was. The only sign that he was alive was his erratic and irregular breathing.
Erik trusted Charles.
Erik was bunched to his side in Charles' arms and rested his head on his right shoulder, a warmth he felt nostalgic about came back in a wave over him.
Charles moved a hand that Erik couldn't see until it fell to the middle of his chest, his heart.
His breathing seemed to slow as he became hyper aware of how fast Charles' hand was moving because of his rapid heartbeats. Also because the feeling of Charles seemed to calm and encourage him to slow and..to calm his mind.
" Calm your mind." He muttered into Charles' chest as if speaking to his heart.
He felt a soft kiss be placed on his forehead. Most of his life except for his young days has he ever experienced anything that soft, that devoted.
He could stay here forever, with Charles, with his calmness of mind every time he was around.
He dosent even know if Charles is making him feel this way, but with Charles' steady heartbeats against his ear, it's real, he knows it.
Love is real because this is what it feels like.
Just knowing that Charles is alive he just knows…
Erik lensherr knows that he loves and takes in every breath on this earth for charles Xavier.
That's his purpose.
To love Charles, even if it means the feeling wouldn't return to him in another eye.
It's like he's been this way forever and he's just never known it, even when he didn't know Charles it felt like he did and that he was waiting for him.
His eyes close but they're not resting, they are taking in the feeling of Charles, his existence. It’s what his eyes open and shut to see, Charles.
Hate is a strong word, love still somehow makes humanity more uncomfortable.
But he admits to himself something that would make most of this generations people find uncomfortable and even more disgusting than murder itself.
Hate is a sin, love isn't.
Yet love still has its boundaries on who gets to experience its warmth.
Not that Erik ever followed that principle. Besides it's also a sin in Judaism to harm or sin to yourself and if he wasn't thinking or admitting what he is right now, then call him a sinner instead of a saint.
" I love you." He whispered to Charles heart, as if it would keep the sentence in it forever.
He wrapped his arms around Charles for a change and tightened it as though he was going to run as far away as he could from him.
He almost thought the feeling of warmth would be over when he felt the other shift only to realise that it was Charles' head lowering to Erik's shoulder. As if he was the smaller one.
" I love you too." He mumbled into the fabric of Erik's shirt. Though Erik could still feel the breath on him as he talked.
He brought his head up to look Erik in the eyes.
The ocean and the river are connected in a way even if they're so far apart.
That's what they're eyes felt like when they locked into place with one another.
Like no matter where they'd be or what would happen, they would always find their way back to each other. No matter what.
Charles carded his fingers into the back of Erik's head soothingly and to hold his head so that their eyes could remain locked.
He leaned forward and was about to plant a kiss again to Erik's forehead only for him to intercept and catch his lips in the act.
Even though they had originally believed Erik to be a ruthless, cold man.
His mind and lips were pure and plush like something that could be written in a song originally about a broken heart.
Charles didn’t expect him to intercept his forehead kiss or even feel an emotion of affection towards Charles that it was almost killing him.
Charles quite literally took his breath away.
His gasp was muffled as Erik kissed him. Shock was the relationship that they often shared with each other these past few fast minutes.
If Erik thought that being in Charles' arms was the softest feeling in the world, kissing him with as much affection as he could possibly muster at the moment had to be the new winner.
Because love was a gentle thing.
Because what they had was real.
Erik wasn't bitter anymore the moment that Charles held him. He was someone that he thought he had forgotten a long time ago, someone that had died, Charles had revived.
It only took admitting something that could be put into a simple word such as love.