Chapter Text
Ubuyashiki Conglomerate Executive Committee
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): WHO TEH FUCK SET HTE PASDWORD FOR RHE NEW FUCKING PHONR DESIGB FOKDER TO 123456
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): lmao why is fuck the only word Shinazugawa can spell
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): FUCK YOI UZIU
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): you really need a full time proofreader
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): FUCK YPO TOO TOIMOKA
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): Shinazugawa this is the formal chat. THE BOSS is in this chat.
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): oh fuck
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): shit what tge fuck
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): oh my I did not know there were so many ways to misspell the word the
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): Shinazugawa, perhaps you should reiterate what you wanted to say!
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): I don’t think any of us understood the word dump you gave earlier :)
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): okay lemme just take a deeeep breath
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): WHO THE FUCK SET THE PASSWORD FOR THE FOLDER WITH OUR FUCKING CLASSIFIED PHONE DESIGNS TO 123456
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): you accidentally pressed caps lock, Shinazugawa!
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): no I did NOT
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): so which one of you assholes did it
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): ah, sorry, that would be my new intern Muichirou
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): please forgive him, he’s very smart but a bit air-headed sometimes
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): and he has a bad memory so this is easier for him
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): I will set your fucking intern on fire
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): we’re practically begging for Kibutsuji’s minions to hack into our stuff at this point
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): your intern is fired, Tomioka
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): umu!
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): I don't believe you have the power to do that, Shinazugawa!
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): but I agree it is too dangerous!
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): guys this is the formal chat
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): GODS I’m laughing so hard rn
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): Shinazugawa flipping his shit over nothing is always funny to watch
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): I beg your fucking pardon???
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): Shinazugawa, you do know that all our company secrets are protected by layers and layers of security right
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): I mean, if the security director himself doesn't know that, then you should be fired!
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): the intern is Tokitou Muichirou right?
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): yes how did you know
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned his full name before
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): okay I found a photo of the kid
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): sorry Tomioka your intern is not flamboyant enough so he must go
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): but you guys forgave Shinobu’s intern for bringing a dead butterfly into the isolation labs last time
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): and all Muichirou did was
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): set a bad password
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): nothing life-threatening
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): this doesn't seem fair
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): life isn't fair, Tomioka-san! :)
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): guys
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): guys don't ignore me
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): speaking of interns, I recently accepted three new interns!
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): Kanroji-san is busy giving them a tour as we speak!
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): their names are Tanjirou, Zenitsu and Inosuke!
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): who the fuck cares, we’re never gonna meet those brats anyway
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): the only intern I want to have a word with is that Muijirou or something
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): Muichirou
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): but you should prob call him Tokitou
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): what fucking ever
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): guys…
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): oh I know those three kids, I once met them at a club
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): what
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): yeah I remember they were crossdressing for some reason
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): very flamboyant!
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): your interns can stay, Rengoku, I approve!!
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): um, thanks…?
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): GUYS
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): THIS IS THE FORMAL CHAT
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): for our COMPANY
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): the boss and Amane-sama and Himejima and Kanae are all in here
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): do you WANT Himejima to fire all of you??
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): shit
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): we need a new chat!
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): our flamboyant selves cannot be contained in only one chat
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): yes, a new chat would reduce spam for the boss and Amane-sama!
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): the boss needs more rest
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): good idea, Uzui!
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): just so you know Tomioka this is all your fault
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): but you started it
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): to have such a simple mind that you go straight to blaming others… I really envy you
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): I hope you all know that Himejima-san has been lurking
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): he’s online, y’know :)
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): okay I don’t give a shit anymore
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): let’s settle this once and for all
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): @Himejima Gyomei (HR Director) is the little Muiphirou fucker fired or not
Himejima Gyomei (HR Director): No, he is not.
Shinazugawa Sanemi (Security Director): WHAT THE FUCK why
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): Shinazugawa are you sure you want to have this argument here
Iguro Obanai (General Counsel): also is it physically impossible for you to not curse?? in the chat with the BOSS in it????
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): “I don’t give a shit anymore” he said
Kochou Shinobu (Research Director, Kasugai Pharma): “let’s settle this once and for all” he said
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): wow guys I just met the Tokitou kid
Rengoku Kyojuro (Executive Director, U-brunch): oh!! how is he like!
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): he stood outside my office and asked if it was the toilet
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): Tomioka no offense but I think your intern is a bit
Uzui Tengen (Creative Director, KIRIYA): fucked in the head
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): no no Muichirou is just a bit forgetful
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): he’s a very bright kid
Tomioka Giyuu (Tech Director, uuPhone): Amane-sama herself recruited him
Himejima Gyomei (HR Director): In the interests of keeping this chat strictly professional, I have created a separate group chat for your needs.
Himejima Gyomei (HR Director): Please refrain from any other inappropriate comments.
Ubuyashiki Conglomerate Informal Chat
Gyomei has created the group chat Ubuyashiki Conglomerate Informal Chat.
Gyomei has added Mitsuri, Obanai and 6 others to the group chat.
Obanai: that last sentence was targeting you Shinazugawa
Obanai: full offense but what the HELL were you thinking??
Obanai: do you realize that the boss is going to wake up and see all of your bullshit
Mitsuri: oooh is this a new chat ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )
Mitsuri: so exciting
Kyojuro: Kanroji-san! how are the kids!
Mitsuri: AHHHH they’re all so cuteeee
Mitsuri: we went to one of our fast food branches to have breakfast!
Mitsuri: Zenitsu-kun was a bit scared of the chicken burger but all is well!!
Sanemi: what the fuck
Kyojuro: ah, is he a picky eater?
Kyojuro: maybe we should refine the chicken burger recipe!
Mitsuri: aww no it’s okay
Mitsuri: I convinced him to eat it (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)
Kyojuro: it’s comforting to know that the kids are in good hands!
Shinobu: Rengoku-san this is awfully domestic
Shinobu: it’s like you and Kanroji-san have adopted three children
Obanai: no it’s not
Obanai: it’s not domestic at all
Obanai: what the hell are you talking about
Shinobu: …
Tengen: I’m sensing some
Tengen: ~jealousy~
Tengen: also is Tomioka here
Sanemi: he’s probably lurking
Sanemi: thinking he’s too good to have conversation with us
Sanemi: fucker can’t even teach his own intern properly
Tengen: Tomioka I am seriously concerned about your intern
Tengen: barely ten minutes after he mistook my office for a toilet I ran into him at Shinazugawa’s office
Sanemi: why the fuck were you at my office
Tengen: I wanted to slip you a fake love letter from Tomioka but anyway that’s not important
Tengen: the little brat looked me straight in the eye and asked me “who are you”
Tengen: ??? what kind of intern forgets the great Uzui Tengen mere minutes after we’ve met
Tengen: I probably designed the clothes on his back!
Sanemi: hold on can we go back to why the fuck you were at my office
Sanemi: a fake love letter???
Sanemi: what the fuck Uzui
Giyuu: you probably didn’t design the clothes on his back
Giyuu: but also Muichirou is a bit forgetful
Giyuu: you can’t blame someone for their amnesia
Obanai: but you can certainly blame the person who hired them
Mitsuri: oh? who’s Muichirou
Mitsuri: it sounds like a cute name! is he your new intern Tomioka?（＾◡＾）♡
Shinobu: well you see Muichirou set the password for one of our company folders to be 123456
Shinobu: and Shinazugawa was pissed
Obanai: rightfully so
Obanai: but might I add
Obanai: he should NOT have mentioned it in our FORMAL COMPANY GROUP CHAT
Mitsuri: oh no!
Sanemi: @Tengen can we please go back to the fact that you wanted to give me a fake love letter
Kyojuro: the Muichirou boy is probably getting fired!
Obanai: as he should be
Kyojuro: although Himejima said he wouldn’t be? I am quite confused!
Mitsuri: oh but Muichirou-kun is so cuteeee
Mitsuri: he just came to my office and asked me where the toilet was!
Tengen: goddamn it Tomioka
Tengen: show your own goddamn intern where the toilet is
Mitsuri: it would be so sad if he was fired (╥﹏╥)
Obanai: yeah Muichirou will definitely stay no one is firing him
Obanai: he can be forgiven for making a minor mistake
Shinobu: …
Tengen: whipped lmao
Mitsuri: ?
Obanai: shut the hell up
Tengen: lmao dude get a grip
Sanemi: UZUI TENGEN
Sanemi: don’t ignore me
Sanemi: what the fuck did you mean a fake love letter??
inosuke STUDY NOW!!!
Muichirou: I hate interning
Muichirou: the office is too big and the people are too loud
Tanjirou: aww I’m sure you’ll learn a lot of useful things though, Muichirou-kun!
Zenitsu: you mean like how we learned that Kanroji-san can eat thirty cheeseburgers in one sitting
Inosuke: HAHA! The great Inosuke-sama scared everyone speechless with his power!
Inosuke: even the chicken burger was scared of me!
Zenitsu: dude what the fuck you punched that burger
Zenitsu: you punched MY burger
Zenitsu: and then I had to explain to our really cute supervisor that I didn’t want to eat the burger because it was scary and reminds me of bloodlust and insanity
Tanjirou: I’m sure we will learn many more things from Kanroji-san and Rengoku-san in the future :)
Muichirou: huh, it sounds like you guys had fun
Muichirou: I wish I applied to intern at your company too, at least then I can be with you Tanjirou…
Tanjirou: actually, technically we are interning at the same company!
Tanjirou: U-brunch and uuPhone are just like, subsidiaries of the Ubuyashiki Conglomerate y’know
Tanjirou: except one is a fast food chain and one is a tech corp
Inosuke: HAHA! ours is way better we get free food ᕦ(•̀_•́)ᕤ
Zenitsu: wtf since when do you use kaomoji
Inosuke: Kantopi showed them to me and Gonpachiro when you were in the toilet HAHAHA
Zenitsu: who tf is Kantopi
Genya: shit Muichirou I didn’t know you work at my brother’s company???
Muichirou: huh?
Muichirou: I don’t think I do?
Genya: he’s been talking shit about your ass all day and saying he wants to fire you
Genya: so no you definitely do
Genya: I haven’t heard him curse so much since his favorite kpop group was disbanded
Zenitsu: hold on what your brother likes kpop???
Zenitsu: is this the same guy who screamed and threw ohagi in our faces two seconds after he saw us or do you have another brother
Inosuke: HAHA I ATE THE OHAGI
Genya: trust me that is the least weird thing about Sanemi, I don’t even know where to start
Genya: oh right Muichirou
Genya: your mentor is Tomioka Giyuu right
Muichirou: oh, does your brother know him
Tanjirou: ah, Giyuu-san! he’s a nice guy
Genya: ? you know him too Tanjirou?
Tanjirou: ofc! he once saved Nezuko’s life
Nezuko: or more like he tried to kill me and then decided not to
Nezuko: but yes let’s go with Tanjirou’s explanation
Zenitsu: WHAT
Tanjirou: it’s a long story
Genya: damn did not expect that backstory
Genya: but anyway my brother’s got a weird thing going on with that Tomioka Giyuu guy
Genya: the other day he was muttering about a fake love letter from the guy
Genya: and he used to be obsessed with this idol from his favorite kpop group who basically looks like a female version of Tomioka Giyuu
Genya: until she retired to get married anyway
Zenitsu: oh so you mean this Tomioka Giyuu guy is HOT on top of being an asshole who tried to kill Nezuko-chan
Zenitsu: the more I hear about this guy the less I like him
Tanjirou: Giyuu-san is a nice guy!!
Genya: okay the worst part is it wasn’t even a creepy sort of obsession like most crazy fans have
Genya: like he acted like she was the sister he never had or some shit
Genya: as his actual brother I genuinely got jealous
Genya: when she broke her arm he was so worried that he checked the news every day but when I broke my arm, he told me to suck it the fuck up
Inosuke: he’s right! you’re too weak unlike the great INOSUKE-SAMA
Genya: shut up, not everyone is a fucking invincible caveman like you
Muichirou: I don’t think breaking one’s bones is weak
Muichirou: in fact breaking your bones makes you stronger
Zenitsu: I want to doubt the scientific accuracy of that statement but it’s coming from Muichirou so
Nezuko: yes Muichirou-kun is very smart :D
Muichirou: I know, I also think I am very smart
Tanjirou: Muichirou-kun the correct response here is to say thank you
Tanjirou: be a good boy and say thank you, Muichirou-kun
Zenitsu: Tanjirou wtf
Tanjirou: ? what’s wrong with telling him to be polite
Tanjirou: we all love Muichirou the way he is but he’ll never survive in a corporate world like this
Muichirou: thank you, Nezuko
Tanjirou: good boy! :)
Genya: is this some Pavlovian conditioning thing that you’re trying out
Nezuko: onii-chan would never do such a thing how could you say that
Zenitsu: um
Zenitsu: well if you say so Nezuko-chan then you must be right!
Inosuke: what is this Pafpof guy can I FIGHT him
Aoi: I wake up and once again I see Zenitsu being a pathetic pervert
Zenitsu: I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING???
Kanao: and I see Inosuke being a wild boar
Inosuke: thank you!
Aoi: and also Tanjirou being a bit unhinged and unaware of it at the same time
Tanjirou: ?
Aoi: and let’s not forget Genya’s big brother issues and Muichirou’s chronic amnesia
Kanao: just another normal day on planet earth, then!
Aoi: …you know what you’re right, just another day on planet earth