Chapter Text
Abstraction doesn’t feel like what Jax thought it would feel like. After the trip, there’s nothing. An experience of nothing for so, so very long.
In that time, she accepts it.
She accepts that it’s too late.
She accepts that in death, she can be a girl.
She’s a girl. She’s known for years.
It feels so freeing to finally admit it, to say it out loud.
Except she didn’t really say it, did she? She can’t speak.
All she has is her thoughts and the pure black that you can only see with digital eyes.
After Pomni left, there was no reason for her to be visible.
No reason for her to be tangible. To have a voice.
When she looked down, she couldn’t see her body.
After that, she couldn’t tell if she was even looking up or down, or if she even had a body anymore.
She can’t ask anyone, there’s no one here. There will be no one here for a very long time.
If she could feel, maybe she’d break down crying.
Maybe she’d hug herself and tug at her ears and scream. Wail to no one for the rest of time, but she can’t move. She can’t say or see or hear or feel anything at all.
…
No one deserves this.
If she had a second chance, she’d be a good person. She’d play piano with Ragatha, she’d taste test drinks with Zooble, she’d sit with gangle and watch those shitty anime knockoffs that Caine makes for her, she’d admit to pomni that they really were friends.
She’d say sorry a million times.
Not because it would get her out of this, but because she wants to.
She wants to drop the act.
After all, Jax abstracted.
She doesn’t want to be him anymore.
Once she finishes that thought, she feels something.
She feels something. A connection, something she can interact with.
She opens her eyes for the first time in who knows how long.
She’s not sure if she had eyes before she opened them, in the same way she was never sure if the rest of the circus existed when you weren’t looking at it.
There’s a light in front of her. She doesn’t hesitate at all when she lunges for it, tripping over her big feet.
When her hands grab hold of it, she can finally make out a shape. It’s a sphere, a globe.
It shows a fish eye lens view of the inside of some tent.
It’s dark, but she can make out what’s inside. It’s mostly pillows, but there are books and trinkets and drawings sprawled along the floor.
She recognises Gangle’s artstyle from her countless heists into her room, but there’s some drawings she can’t recognise.
Who drew those?
There’s a whiteboard with diagrams of things she can’t understand. It’s numbers and algometry or whatever it’s called; she never really payed much attention during math class.
She’s so close to the sphere that it joins to her face, like putting your finger on a droplet of water.
Her vision goes black once more, and for a second she panics.
Until there’s light again.
It’s dim, and coming from somewhere behind her, but it’s so beautiful.
She missed light so bad.
She opens her eyes again, and again, and again.
Right, she’s an abstraction.
With all of her multicoloured eyes open now, she can see the entire inside of the tent at once.
Her field of view has never been this wide.
Fucking hell. This isn’t a field, this is a goddamn pasture.
She can see in every direction, including above and below her.
So when a little hand wraps around the curtain of- what she’s guessing is her tent- she notices immediately.
All of her eyes are already on Pomni before she even enters.
It has been
way too fucking long.
Pomni’s eyes immediately focus on Jax, and her smile is
It’s like a glass of water after the-
It’s like it holds the worl-
It’s-
It’s the best thing I’ve ever fucking seen, okay?
“Hey, you’re awake! I was starting to get worried. Oh, I have so much to show you!”
Jax doesn’t even blink, eyes following Pomni’s every move as she picks up and displays pages of art.
“I’ve been dying to let you see these.
Most of these are Gangles’, but she’s been teaching me to draw. She’s actually a great teacher!
Here-“
Pomni holds up a page to one of Jax’ eyes.
“This one is of your abstracted form as like a- well, more like a rabbit.
I just thought this one was cool.”
It is cool.
Pomni plays show and tell for ages, holding up every single object of interest for Jax to see.
It feels really nice.
To be considered like this.
Accommodated for.
Pomni really does care about her. Even after everything.
After a while, Jax feels her mind slipping, her grasp on their digital reality slipping.
Her eyes are closing.
No, she doesn’t want this to end. Can’t she stay a little longer? Just a little?
Pomni doesn’t even notice, she just keeps babbling about recent adventures.
“-and ragatha said we should just try to rangle it, but I didn’t want it to get any more stressed.”
On some level she wants Pomni to see that she’s leaving. To say goodbye.
On a different level, she wants Pomni to pretend like they’ll be here forever.
“Gangle was actually the one that got it to calm down, if you can believe it. You know, she’s actually doing a lot better. I think Zooble is really helping with her confidence-“
The story is kind of boring, okay- it’s really boring- but Jax finds that she doesn’t mind.
It’s all she has.
“And….well….it’s not really my place to tell, but- it’s not like you’ll tell anyone- and- it’s not exactly a secret, but zooble and gangle found out how…..to……”
Why did she stop talking?
Is it over? Is that it?
No, this can’t be it. Is this all she gets? She has to go back now?
That’s not fair.
That’s just cruel.
I don’t want to go. Not again.
Don’t make me go.
“Jax…
Are you…
Crying?”
Pomni’s footsteps retreat, and Jax is nothing again.
Dread.
Complete and utter dread.
Not again, please.
Please.
A hand stretches through the fog
There’s someone here.
“Ribbit?”
It’s Ribbits’ arm. Reaching for her. Palm extended.
She reaches back, ready to see what they want her to see.
Their fingers make contact,
And Ribbit pushes her.
Pushes her back out of the fog.
The acid trip she saw while abstracting plays in reverse, starting at the sphere.
The shapes that resembled Ribbit and Kaufmo before are still happy, but they’re not laughing.
They’re smiling.
Genuine smiles.
She has their blessings.
They’re giving her a second chance.
Ribbit wants her to have a second chance.
—————————————
It’s Jax’ second week in the circus, stuck with the resident nutcase in an adventure he could care less about.
They’re in some kind of bio dome. Just the two of them, if you don’t count the shitload of insects.
It’s actually quite peaceful, not that he’d ever admit that, though.
Considering all of- well, that- It was definitely made for Kinger, so why is Jax here? Couldn’t Caine have let him stay in bed?
Whatever, at least the guy is out of it enough to not press him on anything.
Jax rests on a bench while Kinger shuffles around, tending to the plants and bugs growing in the enclosure. White sunlight seeps in from the sky, illuminating it in its’ entirety.
”Hey, uh…Kinger?”
“Oh, Jax! When did you get here?
“Uh…the same time you did?”
“Oh…”
…
”Jax! What’s your favorite insect?”
“I- uhh… don’t really have one.”
Kinger turns to look at him, confusion in his eyes.
”You don’t have a favorite?”
He thinks for a second.
”Well, that’s alright! We can share mine!”
Might as well engage in conversation. Gotta keep the mind active, huh? Haha… yeah…
”And what’s that?”
“Butterflies!”
Kinger holds up a blue morpho butterfly, twisting to keep it upright while it wanders his hand.
“Butterflies have the most beautiful life cycle.
They start out as caterpillars, and they do stay like that for a while…
They eat and eat and eat and tear leaves apart!
Gardens can get destroyed,
But then they find a spot to rest.
Their skin hardens into a shell- a chrysalis- and their insides melt into this… thick goo!
…
Even though you might think the caterpillar is destroyed in the process…
The shell- the chrysalis- will open up if you give it time to grow.
And out comes something new!”
—————————————
One side of her face is numb.
She’s lying on her side on the floor of the tent, swaddled in a thick layer of abstraction that slowly separates from her body.
Her chrysalis.
God, she can’t even lift her head.
What’s that noise?
Her ears, previously stuck to the back of her head, open up and spring to point at the ceiling.
“-Are you sure? You’ve been spending an awful lot of time in there with him and- god, I really don’t want to be that person but- do you think...maybe…you might have imagined it?”
Ragatha.
“No, I know what I saw. I’m not sure what it means, but what if it’s a sign that he’s still in there?”
Pomni!
Oh god, wait! She hasn’t even had time to process yet!
Jax attempts to push herself up from the floor, only to slip on some kind of black slime.
God- ew, she’s covered in it!
She hoists herself up behind a block in a dark corner of the tent, throwing a bunch of blankets over the trail of goo that followers her.
She stops moving just in time to see curtain shaped light bleed into the space.
Soft footsteps can only be heard for about a second before they stop dead in their tracks.
…
“Uh, Pomni? What is……..that?”
…
“Ragatha.
We need to find Caine.”
When she hears them scamper off, Jax peels herself from her hiding spot, taking her chance.
She peeks out of the opening in the back of the tent, bursting out of them when she confirms that no one’s there.
She heads straight to the nearest mirror. She knows where all of them are, since she makes a habit of actively avoiding them, but her model feels off, and she can’t tell why with the sensation of fuzziness affecting her body.
The sight that greets her jolts her nonexistent heart up into her throat.
She has makeup on, thick eyeliner under a dark purple eyeshadow. Her cheeks are slightly more pink than her fur colour, and the thin line that used to be her mouth has thickened into a black lipstick that sits on her top lip.
Long black hair jags down her shoulders and back, infested with abstracted eyes that she can’t see out of; The edges seem to constantly shift in a random pattern.
Probably equally as jarring, she’s naked. Her chest isn’t flat, either, there’s a visible bump.
Her model isn’t clothed, just pure purple with occasional fissures.
Except…
A red bow sits at the base of her left ear, right in the same spot it took up years ago.
She doesn’t even notice she’s crying until she hears the tears hit the floor.
She looks……..
“Incredible…”
Jax jumps out of her skin at the sound of kingers voice, snapping her head to the right where he stands mesmerised.
“You’re back? How is that even possible?” He laughs in pure disbelief, hands gripped tight to the bucket.
“I still have my bucket, so I'm guessing this is really happening.”
She waits for him to comment on her look. Tell her she’s a freak, a disgrace. Laugh at how ridiculous she looks right now.
But all he does is stare with an expression Jax can only describe as ‘pained’
It dissipates after a few seconds, and Kinger smiles at her- with his eyes, of course.
“I was headed to the lake, want to tag along?”
He’s just going to pretend everything’s normal?
For her?
That’s actually really- “sweet, yeah.”
Alright, they’ll go to the lake.
When a portal opens up in front of them, Jax darts to hide behind Kinger, expecting people to come out of it. Kinger just stands confused for a moment.
“Um…
Oh! No, I conjured that! Sorry, I really should’ve warned you.”
After scolding herself for acting like a wimp, Jax shifts around to get a good look at the portal.
“Uh…I thought we were going to the lake?”
Kinger steps through, beckoning her into it with a wave
“Oh, we are! I actually made this one myself. I felt the original map was a little lacking, so I made a new one! Hopefully this one feels more realistic, I tried to think of the graphics as much as I could.”
Jax steps into the portal, feeling relief once it closes behind her. She can actually feel the breeze through the trees around her, the crunch of the leaves at her feet alerting the small birds perched on the branches above.
It’s peaceful, and it eases whatever was gnawing at the back of her head.
“You- got a little something- here! Let me-“
Whatever her hair was gnawing at at the back of her head is pulled off by Kinger.
“Sorry, the bugs are crazy here. But they’re easy to catch! We can use this one as bait.”
Jax takes the insect from Kingers’ hands, inspecting it.
It’s bugging out slightly- no pun intended- with a huge bite mark in the side.
Did her hair… try to eat it?
“Bait?”
”Oh, right- sorry. I’m just so used to coming here to fish, but we don’t have to, obviously-“
“I’d like to go fishing.”
Kinger beams at her, pointing to the dirt path ahead of them
“It’s kind of a walk, but that’s how I remember it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I based this place on somewhere my dad used to take me and my brother when we were younger.
I was really scrawny then, and long walks would really tucker me out. I always felt so tall when he let me ride on his shoulders……
I miss those days”
The path is beautiful, she can’t deny that. She might be able to pretend it’s real life if the trees didn’t pop out of existence when she turned her back on them, the shadows disappearing from her view to reveal too much sunlight.
She thinks about asking Kinger to walk backwards so they render in, but she realises how stupid that sounds.
“So…what happened?”
“Hm?”
“With your dad. What happened?”
“Oh…..I just……grew up, I suppose.”
There’s an empty feeling in her chest now.
“He stopped taking you?”
“It’s not that he stopped taking us, it’s that we had more important things to do. Education took over, and we found we didn’t have as much time to spend with him anymore. He understood, of course, but it didn’t make me feel any less guilty for saying ‘no’ when he asked to take me fishing again.”
“……where do you think he is now?”
“Well, I found out that he’s still posting online, especially about his grandkids.
I don’t know if he’s fit enough to go fishing himself anymore, but I know for a fact that his son, grant, takes his daughters down this very trail each summer to teach them everything he learned.”
“…how do you know?”
“Because it’s what I’m doing right now.”
Jax can feel her face turn red, and her eyes well with tears. Kinger squeezes her hand a few times before letting go so she can wipe her face.
The rest of the walk is comfortably silent, broken by the occasional woodpecker or warning thump from an angry rabbit.
The trail gets a little steep at times, but Kinger helps Jax up, brushing stray leaves out of her hair when they get stuck- actually, yanking leaves from the mouths in her hair.
They finally arrive at the waters edge, stepping onto a wood dock that houses a few supplies, including a rowboat.
Jax stands awkwardly beside the water, listening to the tiny waves that lap the dirt.
“So! Have you ever been fishing?”
“Uh- no. No, I’ve uh… never even lived near a lake- a-are you sure about this?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?
…
I get it, you know. It’s alright to be nervous your first time. I remember being so scared we’d tip the boat over that my dad had to pick me up and drop me into it himself! Once I was in, though, I realised I was just being silly.”
Jax attempts to slip her hands into her pockets as usual, feeling only her legs.
She plays it off, embarrassed that she forgot she’s not wearing anything.
Well- that, and the actual fact she’s not wearing anything.
“Guess I’m silly, then.”
“Don’t worry about it! I know you’ll get the hang of it. You’ve always been quick on your feet.”
“Yeah, to get out of things.”
Kinger chuckles “I don't see you running off right now”
“I’ll probably find an excuse.”
“Now that I know there’ll be an excuse, I can challenge it.”
Throwing her head back with a scoff, Jax sits in the boat
“I’m not getting out of this, am I?”
“I didn’t tell you to get in the boat, you made the decision yourself”
“Shit…..”
Kinger uses the oars to row the boat out into the middle of the lake.
He assures Jax that the distance to the shore doesn’t matter, since they can just teleport away in the event of an emergency
“I’ll go first. Maybe you’re a visual learner! Don’t worry, I’ll explain what I’m doing while I’m-“
Before Kinger can even cast his rod, a fish jumps out of the water and lands directly onto the boat
“Huh.”
“Hey, this fishing shit is easy!”
“Well, one is better than none- even if it practically caught itself.”
Kinger casts his rod, setting it down on some kind of holder, confusing Jax in the process.
“Aren’t you supposed to hold it?”
He shifts his position to face her.
“Maybe in video games, but in real life it can take hours.”
“Hours!? this isn’t even real life, can’t you just make it take a few seconds?”
Kinger laughs fondly
“….what’s funny about that?”
“It’s just- Caine said the exact same thing during his first time out here.”
The ‘only exists when contextually appropriate’ fur on the back of Jax’ neck stands at attention.
Similarly, her hair sharpens into spikes.
“What?”
Kingers’ eyes widen, and his hands shoot out in front of him
“I-It’s okay! He’s not a threat anymore! It was the other A.I. that was influencing him, b-but he’s gone now. Caine’s learned his lesson, I promise!”
Jax stands up in the boat, causing it to rock.
“How is he even here!? You said you deleted him!”
“I did! At least- I thought I did. He only went to the recycle bin, and it took him a bit to find his way out, that’s all.”
Jax looks over her shoulder, scanning the horizon for any new portals or indication that anything has changed
“If Caine’s back, why aren’t we on an adventure right now? Why hasn’t he spawned in to re-introduce me to the others like some kind of spectacle?”
Kingers’ gaze turns concerned, almost pitiful. She hates that look more than anything.
”He distributed his admin privileges, we all have the same rights as him now. He doesn’t know where we are, just like how we don't know where he is.”
Jax’ fur slowly smoothes back down into non-existence, multicoloured eyes in her hair returning to their usual distant gaze.
“And he can’t teleport to us, or us to him?”
”Nope.”
She allows herself to breathe, sitting back down on the beam
Kinger looks just as relieved as she is to be in a now stable boat.
They’re once again in silence, except this one isn’t as comfortable as the last. There’s a thickness to the air that wasn't there before, and Jax finds herself lifting her hair up and away from her neck because of sweat-
Only to wince as it bites at her hand.
“Oh dear, let me help.”
Kinger waves his hand, and Jax feels her hairstyle change
“There, now it’s in a bun! Uh- no pun intended. Feel better?”
She’s kinda stunned. No one’s done something so simple yet so caring for her in a long time.
“…..yeah, thanks.”
Her chest feels strange again.
Suddenly, the fishing rod that Kinger casted a few minutes ago springs to life, and he grabs it out of reflex, shouting at Jax over the splashing.
“Oh, this feels like a big one!”
“That’s what she said.”
“I’m reeling it in now!”
“You are? I didn’t even notice.”
Her words drip with sarcasm, but there’s no bite to it. She couldn’t get rid of her big smile right now if she wanted to, anyway.
After a tug of war session, Kinger wins, and the fish is hoisted up into the air
He turns to her, ecstatic as if this was his first time all over again.
“I got it! Did you see that?”
“I saw it, Kinger.”
Jax leans forward to take a look
Based on the fact that Kinger fought for his life to reel in this fish, it doesn’t seem like it was worth it.
“That’s it? I thought it’d be bigger.”
The fish turns to her, offended.
“Hey, not cool man. That is so not cool, man.”
“Wait, what? You made them talk?”
Kinger shrugs
“That’s just rude, man. Talking about me like I’m not here, man? That’s not cool.”
The fish that landed on the boat earlier rears up, facing the other one
“so not cool.”
“I know, man.”
Jax puts her hands on her forehead, squeezing her eyes shut
“Wait, I’m confused-“
Fish_2 interrupts her
“You’re confused? Man, i’m on a rod, man. That bug was way too convenient, man. Can’t believe I fell for it.”
“It’s crazy, man.”
The fish talk amongst themselves, now ignoring both humans on the boat
“Man, are you from around the sunken statue too, man?”
“Yeah, man. I swim ‘round there, man.”
Kinger turns to Jax, whispering behind his hand as the fish continue
“I think this is the part where we let them go.”
Jax shakes herself out of a daze
“Wha- yeah, whatever.”
Once the fish are safely and gently thundercunted back into the water, Kinger rows them back to shore.
When Kinger helps her back out of the boat, she musters up some courage.
“Thanks for this, by the way. I- didn't deserve it. The- time, I guess.”
There’s no response. Instead, Kinger ushers her behind a tree
She flattens herself against it, trying to trust that he put her there for a reason, not just to make her feel like an idiot.
Since Kinger floats, she can’t hear where he goes, but she hears the conversation.
“CAINE! What brings YOU HERE”
“Uh- I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. WHY ARE WE YELLING?”
Caine’s here. Did Kinger lie? Does Caine know she’s here?
“Sorry, don't know what got into me! I guess I’m just happy that YOU, CAINE, ARE HERE.”
Okay! She heard, she gets the point.
When Caine answers, he sounds cautious.
“….rrrright. Are you hiding something from me?”
“………”
“Kinger……..”
“If I tell you it’s a surprise that you definitely don’t want ruined, will you leave it alone?”
Jax can practically hear Caine’s pupils grow 3 sizes.
“A surprise!? For moi? Of course- I- I’ll leave you to it! Take as long as you need! N- not that you need my permission of course, since- okay, I’m going now! Are we still going to the- okay, I mean it this time! I’m going! I’ll see you there later!”
Jax sighs in relief. She waits for Kinger to call out for her, but he doesn’t.
She’s just about to peek out from her hiding spot when he appears and scares the remaining life out of her
“You can come out now.”
“Jesus fucking christ- couldn’t you have said that from farther away?”
“Sorry, let’s just get going.”
Kinger takes Jax by the hand, speedwalking her down the path
She almost trips, and it pisses her off enough to make her rip her hand from his grasp
“Why are you making us walk back? Can’t you just make a portal or something?”
Kinger looks embarrassed
“Right! Sorry, I guess I just panicked there, sometimes Caine sticks around for a bit to snoop once he knows there’s a surprise, he just can’t wait- and I thou-“
Jax’ stomach drops
“Wait- He what!?”
“JAX!?”
Shit.