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Felix grabs the first chance he gets to talk to Jisung. They’ve just landed in Australia, prepared for a multiple-day shoot for SKZ-CODE. The shoot starts tomorrow, and Felix can’t sleep until he knows that he will get through it with his pride intact.
Jisung looks confused when Felix drags him into his own hotel room. “I’m not Hyunjin, you know.” He teases when the door closes behind them.
“I need to ask you a favour for tomorrow.” Felix says, ignoring his comment. He was so excited to film a travel log in Sydney, until it was decided that they’d film part of it on a boat. Felix loves being in the ocean, he does not like being on it.
“Anything.” Jisung says, still confused. Felix hesitates for a moment, about to admit such a stupid weakness. It’s not like they’ve never been on boats together before, both while filming and in their free time, but he doesn’t want to go through it alone anymore.
“I get seasick,” Felix says. Jisung’s brows shoot up, eyes widening. Clearly this isn’t what he expected to hear. “I have meds, but I just need someone to know in case.” He adds, trying to reassure himself. He thinks it will be fine, as long as he takes the medication correctly, and the trip isn’t too long. But he doesn’t want anyone to panic, including himself, if he gets sick.
“Why are you asking me?” Jisung asks. “Wouldn’t your boyfriend be a better choice?”
“You know he’ll coddle me and sacrifice his own fun.” Felix argues. Hyunjin is so excited for this trip, he’s wanted to properly see Sydney for so long. “And Channie deserves a break, don’t you think?” He adds because it can’t always be Chan’s responsibility to take care of them.
“Why am I the third choice?” Jisung pouts, hitting Felix in the shoulder.
“You’re my first choice. Didn’t you hear what I just said? I need someone who won’t coddle me. It has to look like nothing’s going on.” Felix says. He wants the shoot to go as smoothly as possible. If he gets sick, he’ll hide it from everyone, it’s not like he hasn’t done it before.
“What do you need me to do?” Jisung softens, and Felix lets out a breath of relief.
“Nothing, really, unless I throw up.” Saying the words out loud feels like he’s jinxing it. “If it happens, I just need to know I’m not alone and that no one else will find out, least of all Hyunjin.” He can’t emphasize the last point enough.
Last time he got seasick, Hyunjin found him in the bathroom and was so worried that Stay thought he was the one who wasn’t okay. Felix excused his illness, he doesn’t even remember what he said, but he managed to keep his secret. As much as it would be easier to do these shoots if they knew, he sees how Minho is treated with his fear of hights, and he doesn’t want that for himself.
“So, guard the door? Fight off incoming members?” Jisung summarises. And that is exactly why Felix asked him first. He doesn’t make it a big deal, and he understands what Felix is asking.
Felix nods, “Basically, yeah. And I just get really anxious if I feel sick and have no one to lean on.” For that exact reason, he can’t tell Hyunjin. Hyunjin will coddle him and Felix will drink it up, unable to tell him that he’d really rather not be touched or crowded.
Jisung’s eyes soften, a realization settling over him. Felix already knows what he’s going to say, and he wills himself not to get emotional. “Who helped you the other times?” Jisung asks.
“I just dealt with it.” Felix shrugs. It’s not an emotional thing, he’s fine, boats just don’t like him. It’s just that he remembers the fear and stress of feeling so sick and having to hide it because he couldn’t let the members see without Stay also seeing.
“Alone?” Jisung looks at him with so much sympathy. He knows how much Felix needs people; how much he longs for comfort even when nothing is wrong. He didn’t realize until now what a disservice he did to himself when he chose to deal with it alone.
“You didn’t notice, so I think I did a pretty good job.” Felix points out, rather than getting into it. Jisung sighs and rolls his eyes, body going limp with defeat.
“Yongbok.” And Felix just laughs because this wasn’t supposed to be an emotional conversation.
-
They arrive at the set the next day. They have a private room at a restaurant, big enough for all eight of them to sit side by side and a whole crew to cram in with them. Behind the table is a wall of windows, revealing the view of Felix’s hometown.
The way Hyunjin looks out the window confirms that going to Jisung was the right decision. Still, Felix can’t resist making Hyunjin sit between them. He’s not sick yet – not that he will be – right now, he just wants to enjoy the moment and pretend he’s here alone with Hyunjin. As if there aren’t half a dozen cameras pointed at them and at least double the number of crew members.
What he didn’t think through was that they’d have to eat, and it would be a lot easier to hide that something’s going on if Hyunjin wasn’t sitting right next to him. But the harder the challenge, the more convincing the lie will be. Stays are practically detectives, so Felix has to be believable.
It’s easier to hide his nerves when he has something to focus on, so he’s glad that he and Chan are in charge of the group; although it’s a relief that Chan has to do most of the talking. Felix stumbles over his words when he’s nervous. Chan introduces the concept and goes through the list of tasks and missions, and Felix only has to jump in if he has anything to add.
So far, so good. No one looks at him strangely. But then he’s reminded that they’re at the restaurant to eat. He scans through the menu, tempted by so many meals, but asking himself if he wants to know how they taste coming back up. He shouldn’t have anything too heavy or greasy, or he’ll feel sick even if the medication works.
The motion sickness medication has saved him many times, but it isn’t a magical cure. It takes longer for him to feel sick, and he doesn’t feel bad enough to throw up, but he’s had some rough rides even with its help. Since today’s boat trip is planned for half the day, he knows it’ll be a struggle even if he can delay the illness.
It’s a relief when Hyunjin orders something from the kid’s menu. They all break out in laughter when Jisung teases him for wanting a kid’s meal, but he decides that he wants his tomato pasta anyway. Felix does the same, picking something bland. The least he can do is not eat a lot, and that will be a lot easier if he doesn’t leave half his portion on the plate.
The bland food tastes too good though, and before he knows it, he’s forgotten about his intentions to eat less and gone around the table tasting almost everyone’s food. By the end, he feels too full, but he figures it doesn’t matter much anyway. If he gets sick, he gets sick.
-
He plans to take the motion sickness medication an hour before getting on the yacht as it needs time to work. He made that mistake the first time he tried it and carefully read the instructions next time.
The only problem is that he has such a big role in the filming, and the group is chaotic enough that they’re suddenly at the docks, looking at the big boat they’re about to get on. It’s not as if he can tell everyone to wait a whole hour when he can’t even explain why.
The ocean looks quiet, so maybe it will be okay. He can take it now and hope the waves are calm enough that it starts working before he feels sick. He doesn’t have much of an option, so he sneaks away and pull out the blister sheet, popping one into his palm.
“What’s that?” Hyunjin’s voice startles him and Felix stuffs the blister sheet back into his pocket. He cut of a couple of pills, figuring it’s easier to hide than the full sheet. It would’ve worked better if he’d seen Hyunjin follow him around the corner.
“Painkiller.” Felix says the first thing he can think of. He swallows the pill dry and heads back to the group before Hyunjin can question him further. He barely takes a few steps before he realizes Hyunjin will be worried if he doesn’t give a proper explanation. “It’s just a small headache but I don’t want to squint at the light.”
Hyunjin steps closer, gently rubbing Felix’s temple. It’s such a sweet gesture, Felix is tempted to tell him the truth. But this is exactly why he can’t know. Hyunjin would stay with him, offering his comfort and support the whole time, instead of having fun.
“Here?” Hyunjin asks, knowing exactly where Felix’s tension headaches manifest. Felix curls his fingers around Hyunjin’s wrist, feeling his warm, soft skin, and pulls him away.
“Really, it’s nothing.” Felix assures him. Hyunjin nods just as Chan impatiently yells for them. With another soft smile from Felix, Hyunjin buys the lie and they head back to the group.
Felix feels destabilized the moment he steps on the boat. His feet are no longer on solid ground, and every tiny movement of the waves can be felt. He takes a deep breath and reminds himself that he’s been through far worse. The yacht’s large size absorbs some of the movement, and it isn’t too windy today. It was worse to take the ferry across the river on a stormy day.
The members take in the yacht with excitement, as if they’ve never seen anything so luxurious before. It’s partially played up for the cameras, but Felix can see the genuine joy underneath it. This isn’t exactly the break they’ve been asking for, but there will be more room to rest on a day like this than they’re used to.
He tags along to explore the yacht, finding that the waves are felt less in the centre. They head down the stairs and dizziness envelops him the moment he can’t see the water anymore. With no windows, he’s just in a moving, tilting box. It’s much nicer to go up to the deck, where wind hits his face and fresh air fills his lungs.
It’s easy enough to find somewhere to sit down, and he sinks back into the sunbed, figuring it looks like he’s relaxing. And a part of him is, feeling his bones go soft under the sun. It doesn’t feel as bad when he can see every rocking of the boat that matches the tilting of his insides. If he could stay up here the whole time, he might be fine.
Having to return to filming, the group gathers in the lounge. Felix sits in the middle of the couch, getting as close to the centre of the boat as possible, but it doesn’t help much when the couch leans against the outer wall and the waves hit him in the back. He feels his body move up and down, without really moving, and it’s unnerving.
Jisung takes his place beside Felix and Felix wishes they were alone so he could say he wasn’t able to take the medication in time. He already feels worse than he does when he takes it. It had no time to help and it’s too late once he starts feeling sick. He can’t tell if he feels queasy already or if he’s just nervous about what will happen.
Hyunjin plops down on the floor in front of Felix, making space between his legs. The touch already feels like too much, so Felix folds his legs under himself, not meeting Hyunjin’s gaze when he looks over his shoulder in question. With Felix’s lack of reaction, Hyunjin turns back to the game box he’s fiddling with.
When the boat starts moving, something pulls at his stomach. Felix bites his lip, keeping his expression calm, but he’s too clammy to just be nervous. Looking at the row of cameras and producers in front of them, he tries to calculate the probability that he’ll be able to throw up without anyone catching it on video or audio.
He looks at Jisung, who is completely in his own world, singing and playing an acoustic guitar. Looking further back, out the window, his eyes lock on something on land, watching as it moves up and down in hopes that it will dampen the impact the waves have on his stomach.
A round of laughter brings his attention back to the group. He should’ve said something when the idea was brought up, but seasickness feels like such a petty thing, he thought he could handle it. He always forgets how chaotic filming days are. There was no way to tell when they’d get on the boat, and taking the medication too early would make it less effective too, so taking it in time was always a lost cause.
The group is suddenly loud with excitement, and Felix has no idea why. He hasn’t heard a word that was said, but he hears when someone suggests going back up to the deck and jumps at the chance.
It feels so much better to be in the open air. The sweat evaporates from his skin, and his stomach settles into more of a sour pain than nausea. While the others dance around, still singing and playing the guitar, Felix sits on the sunbed and breathes. He smooths out his face, hiding any trace of discomfort.
He can’t help but giggle when he sees the way Hyunjin dances around with a camera in hand, moving in that familiar Hyunjin way – never able to completely stop dancing. Felix doesn’t know how to describe it but finds it endearing and familiar. It tells him just how relaxed Hyunjin is, despite being filmed from every angle. Felix’s chest warms seeing him enjoy himself in Felix’s hometown.
The wind that looked calm from shore is much stronger out on the water. It bites through their clothes, and Felix seems to be the only one enjoying it. He’s the only one who needs it. Although it’s cold for him too, it’s refreshing.
One by one, the members flee the wind. Felix stays as long as possible, but when Minho and Changbin get too cold too, he has no choice but to follow them down to the rest of the group.
As they enter the room, Jisung finally looks at him and Felix gives a small shake of his head, sure he doesn’t look good. Jisung frowns, but doesn’t say anything, just like Felix asked of him. He feels a tiny bit better once he knows that someone knows. There’s just something so lonely about being surrounded by people who have no clue how ill he feels.
Cold wind is replaced by cold sweat as he finds back to his place on the couch. He hugs a pillow to his stomach, hiding how his hands tremble. The ocean looked so calm, why is he reacting so strongly so soon? It’s been years since he was on a boat without the medication, he didn’t remember how fast the nausea came on.
Glancing out the window, he locks in on something on land, but this time it only makes him dizzier, as if seeing the movement amplifies it. When he turns back, Hyunjin is looking at him. Felix lifts a hand to his temple, right where Hyunjin touched him earlier, feeling terrible for continuing to lie.
As a couple of the members start playing the game Hyunjin fiddled with earlier, Felix knows that it’s only a matter of time before he has to find a way to sneak away. Motion sickness has its own kind of nausea. It’s sour, almost painful, and unrelenting. It doesn’t come in waves, it’s just steadily builds, giving him no relief.
He quietly observes Changbin and Seungmin play Halli Galli. Jisung looks at him and Felix tries not to react because Hyunjin sits on his other side now and can see the whole interaction. But it’s clear that Jisung sees how much he struggles. The only reason no one else does is that they haven’t thought of the possibility. Felix has kept this secret so well, but in this moment, he wishes he hadn’t.
Every time he laughs, he feels sicker, and every time he moves, he swallows back a tightness in his throat. The waves reverberate in his gut, and he knows he looks uncomfortable as he restlessly moves around. At some point, he wishes he could just throw up to at least get some relief. Despite how dizzy he feels when he looks out the window, he glances outside as often as he can, desperate for something to help.
The air in the cabin is stuffy with heat and moisture and smells faintly of gasoline. It’s a smell he finds gross no matter how he feels, but now he isn’t sure if he can ever smell it again without feeling nauseous.
He leans over his legs, careful not to put any pressure on his stomach and presses a careful finger against Jisung’s arm, getting his attention. Jisung widens his eyes slightly, and Felix barely shrugs, earning a tiny nod. He isn’t entirely sure what they just communicated, but he thinks Jisung knows that he’s running out of time. He hoped they’d be more spread out, making it unnoticeable for Felix to slip away. It will be painfully obvious if he leaves now.
In an attempt at forgetting how bad he feels, he focuses on the game, watching them pull cards and hit the bell, laughing when they make mistakes and cheering when they don’t. Every tightening of his stomach muscles feels dangerous, but he has to act normal for the cameras.
Felix drops his head into his hands, ready to give up, beg to be taken back to land, hoping he can make it there in one piece. But just then, the members start talking about going for a swim. Felix perks up, eager to get off the boat. He never had an issue with being in water, the problems only come when he floats on top of it. Even when they’ve filmed in pools, he felt the tug in his stomach the moment he stepped on a floating mat, but it always passed when he got back in the water.
“I want to go in.” Hyunjin says excitedly, looking expectantly at Felix. He knows how much Felix loves swimming, and he has no reason to believe that something’s wrong.
“Should we?” Felix says, leaving it up to Hyunjin to decide. Felix doesn’t know what’s best for him right now, but he isn’t sure there’s a right or wrong answer. He just wants to get off this boat, and swimming might be the only option to have his wish fulfilled.
“Let’s do it.” Hyunjin beams. Felix looks at Jisung who looks unsure but still doesn’t say anything. Hyunjin and Chan leave to change first, and Felix pulls Jisung along without a word. He holds Jisung’s wrist in a tight grip, scared that he’ll puke the moment he sees a bathroom.
As soon as they’re downstairs and there are no more windows, Felix’s nausea intensifies. He breathes shallowly, wiping his palms on his pants and tries very hard not to move. Hyunjin and Chan have shut themselves in the bedrooms, already changing.
There is a cameraperson pointing her camera at them and Jisung’s eyes widen when he sees her. “Can we have a moment?” He asks kindly, and her camera immediately lowers. The space is so tight that she can’t get past without brushing against them and Felix feels his stomach clench sickeningly when he’s pushed into the wall.
“You good?” Jisung whispers, looking nervously at him. Felix stumbles where he stands, feeling like the waves throw him around, but Jisung doesn’t seem to have any issues. His shirt is stuck to his back with sweat and he shivers, roughly wiping his top lip.
“No,” Felix says shortly. He wishes he could pull himself together, that this was all in his head, and he could decide not to feel it. He doesn’t have issues with cars or planes, and rollercoasters only make him faint, which is much more preferable than this.
There’s a rustling against one of the closed doors, and Felix pulls himself together, straightening his back and relaxing his face. He feels moments from puking, but he still won’t let it show.
“Talk to me.” He says to Jisung. Jisung looks so confused that Felix starts talking instead, fighting the feeling in his throat at every word. He rambles about what they’ll cook later, what ingredients they need, whether they’ll do a good job, as they’re not to usual chefs in the group. Jisung eventually catches on, and it looks like they’re deep in conversation when Chan comes through the door, Hyunjin joining them a moment later.
“Haven’t you changed yet?” Hyunjin asks. Felix stops talking mid-sentence, beyond thankful to stop thinking about food. He swallows back the excess spit in his mouth and smiles sheepishly.
“I’ll go now.” He promises. Hyunjin seems pleased, following Chan up the stairs. Felix deflates like a popped balloon once they’re out of sight and pulls Jisung into one of the bedrooms, letting go of him before shutting himself in the cramped bathroom. Suddenly, he regrets telling Jisung because this won’t be pretty, but it’s comforting to know that no one will walk in on him.
The longer he takes, the more suspicious the members will be, so he hangs his head over the toilet and gives in to the feeling, almost relieved when his throat tightens and hot fire moves up his oesophagus.
Motion sickness also has its own kind of vomiting. It feels forced, intense in a way where it hurts and has him straining so hard he feels lightheaded, but calm in that it isn’t very loud or violent. He feels like he fights for his life over that toilet bowl, cursing every single decision that led to this moment.
He jumps at the sound of a door creaking open but quickly realizes it isn’t the bathroom door. Still, he tries to quiet down when he hears voices outside, but it’s impossible to have any control over his stomach when the boat continues to rock under his knees.
“Is Felix hyung coming? They’re waiting.” Jeongin’s voice carries through the door. Felix tightly shuts his eyes as he gags on another mouthful of stomach acid. It feels like he has to force it up, although he has no control over it.
“He’s just changing, he’ll be right there.” Jisung says. There’s a rustling, and a door closing, and then Jisung’s voice carries through the door again. “We’re alone.” He says quietly, as if it makes any difference to Felix right now. Part of Felix wishes that everyone knew; the members and crew and everyone at the company who put him in this position, just so they’d feel guilty.
When it’s finally over, Felix doesn’t wait to catch his breath. He needs to get out of this stuffy room, off the yacht, and into the water. He rinses his mouth and splashes his face with cold water to help with the redness, not caring about his makeup since he’s going in the water anyway.
Jisung has his change of clothes ready and helps him be as efficient as possible. Felix almost feels useless, grabbing onto Jisung more than his own clothes. He’s so dizzy, and the smell of gasoline is even more concentrated down here, threatening to bring another round of vomiting.
“Are you sure you shouldn’t just lie down for a while?” Jisung asks. It’s tempting, and Felix already told Hyunjin he had a headache, so it would be believable, but it would also be visible on camera that something happened.
“I need to get off this boat.” Felix says decidedly. He has convinced himself that the cold water of the ocean will be much kinder to him once he’s in it. Jisung nods shortly, knowing better than anyone what they have to push through when they’re at work.
Felix avoids looking at the group as he makes his way to the back of the boat, just in case anyone heard anything. He’s safe once the cameras are pointed at him again, and he smiles when he sees that Hyunjin and Chan didn’t wait for him.
To his relief, the water does help. It’s colder than expected, shocking his system and effectively cooling him down. The waves feel different when he’s in the water, moving around him rather than in him.
He swims, jumps, playfights with Hyunjin and laughs more than he has all day, and the nausea settles into a vague ache, the kind he’ll have for at least twelve hours after returning to solid ground.
He almost manages to forget how sick he felt, but then they climb back onto the boat, and the waves grab onto his stomach as if he never left. He plays with the idea of being tied to the back of the boat and just floating along in the water. It somehow sounds more comfortable than spending the rest of the day feeling like he’s in a blender on high speed.
Wanting to sit down as soon as possible, he wastes no time following Hyunjin and Chan back to the bedrooms to change back into dry clothes. The problem is just that the air is so stuffy and gasoliney and he has already been sick once, it really shouldn’t be surprising that he almost gags when he bends down to put on his pants.
He tries to hold on until Hyunjin leaves the room, but he feels so sick, and he remembers so well how it felt to throw up. His throat tightens and he stops breathing, working hard not to gag.
Realizing that he has no other choice, he wordlessly slips into the bathroom and hugs the toilet for a second round of painful gagging. It hurts more this time, with so little left in his stomach, but his body tries just as hard to bring up every single drop of stomach contents.
It’s mostly strangling gags, small coughs and gasped breaths, so he prays that the water sloshing against the sides of the boat is enough to cover any sound he makes. Jisung isn’t here this time to protect him. He must’ve forgotten that Felix might need him, which is ironically why Felix asked him for help. He knew it wouldn’t ruin Jisung’s day. But if Jisung was here, he’d lure Hyunjin out of the room as soon as he saw Felix struggle.
When it’s over this time, he takes a moment to catch his breath, pressing his face into his knees as if the rocking will stop if it’s dark enough. It’s a faulty way of thinking, but he’s desperate. By the time he drags himself off the floor and rinses his mouth, it’s so quiet outside that he’s sure he’s alone.
When he opens the door and Hyunjin stands right outside, he yelps in surprise, his entire body jolting in a way that makes him clamp his mouth shut and hold his breath. Hyunjin giggles exactly once before seeing his face and forgetting what was funny.
“Here,” Hyunjin holds out a water bottle and a small white pill. Felix looks at it for too long, trying to figure out what it is. “Open your mouth,” Felix does, “Lift your tongue,” And he does that too, finally realizing that it’s an anti-emetic. So much for trying to be inconspicuous.
“You knew.” Felix mutters, lisping slightly because of the pill. It tastes bitter, but he’d do anything to feel better.
“You really didn’t think I’d notice that you look like you’re being tortured every time we’re on a boat?” Hyunjin says, and his face has that ‘how dense do you think I am?’ expression. “I thought you wanted to handle it alone since you never said anything, but you told Hanie, so clearly, I was wrong.”
“He told you?” Felix doesn’t mean to sound so angry, but Jisung promised not to. Hyunjin chuckles, as if there’s anything funny about this.
“Felix, I watched you turn grey and stumble to the bathroom before your clothes were even all the way on, there wasn’t really much left for him to hide.” Hyunjin points out. Felix thought he hid it so well, but he forgot to consider how perceptive Hyunjin is.
“What about the others?” Felix asks hesitantly. Hyunjin nods, and Felix feels himself turn bright red, suddenly sweating for a different reason. Have they all known this whole time?
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Lixie.” Hyunjin lies a hand on his shoulder, looking like he’s restraining himself from a full hug. Felix shrugs it off, too nauseous. “We just wish we knew how bad it was so we could help you sooner, maybe stop this stupid idea in the first place.”
Just then, Chan comes into the room. The look on his face is exactly why Felix wanted to hide. He isn’t even sick, there is nothing really wrong with him, but the way they look at him makes him want to cry, feeling so sorry for himself.
“We’re done filming here, so we’re getting you off the boat. You and Hanie can go straight to the house while we finish the boat ride. Since you’re cooking for us, it’ll just look like we gave you a headstart.” Chan says, having already reacted to and resolved the situation. Felix wonders how soon he could’ve gotten off the boat if he’d just said something.
“Thank you hyung.” Felix would’ve hugged him if he didn’t feel so clammy. He wanted Chan to get a break today, but he can’t say his help isn’t wanted. Chan nods and leaves them alone again.
“I should’ve told you, I’m sorry.” Felix says. It was stupid to keep it secret when he knew how sick he’d get. It’s never really been this bad since he’s had his medication since he was younger. “I just didn’t want you to worry.”
“I was worried anyway, and I still had fun today.” Hyunjin points out. Felix nods, realizing that he was wrong. “Do you feel any better?” Hyunjin asks, pressing he unopened bottle against his neck. Felix sighs in relief.
“A little, but this room isn’t helping.” Felix says. The nausea doesn’t feel as all-encompassing, but the smell of gasoline and vomit lingers in his nose.
“Does anything help?” Hyunjin asks. Felix’s mind returns to the deck, where the wind licked his skin and fresh air filled his lungs. He wouldn’t mind the smell of the ocean.
“The deck was kind of nice.” He admits. So Hyunjin takes him up there, and Felix returns to the sunbed, curling up on his side now that no cameras are pointed at him. The cold wind feels good on his clammy skin, the anti-emetic calms his stomach enough to allow him to relax, and Hyunjin stays by his side until they reach land, even when he shivers with cold.