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Thimble hovered indecisively over Occtis’s shoulder.
Everyone else was settling into the rooms that King Gus was kindly lending them for the duration of their stay, but Julien had only dropped a bag off into the room that had been given to him, and then said he had business in the city, taking off into Timmon’s Rock.
“I think I need to check on what Julien’s up to,” she told Occtis. “We shouldn’t be separating like this.”
“He’ll be upset if he catches you,” Occtis said.
“So I won’t let him catch me,” she replied, and darted away.
It was a brothel. Of course it was a fucking brothel. She shouldn’t be surprised.
Except that Julien had seemed different since he’d come back from the Eternal Night. More serious about his duties and less… everything that he’d been for so many years.
She should just turn back, now that she knew what he was doing.
But Julien left the brothel not long after arriving, certainly too quickly to have accomplished anything of note, and was striding off in a different direction. Not back towards King Gus.
Well, she’d already come this far.
They arrived at a second brothel, maybe a touch bigger than the last.
This time, Thimble carefully crept through a window and then flew up to the rafters, gliding along to where Julien was speaking with the proprietor. He seemed to be describing what sort of person he wanted, though his voice was too low for her to make out the words. It went on for quite some time, so he either had an extremely specific idea in mind, or he was asking for an entire circus troupe to join him in bed.
Well, it’d been over two weeks since he’d probably had any sex. Maybe he needed an entire circus troupe after going that long without.
Eventually, Julien was directed to go upstairs. Thimble sighed in annoyance but followed him as best she could, needing to duck behind a beam once when he seemed to sense that someone might be following him.
She should just turn around and leave before he caught her, but he’d gotten her curiosity up. What was Julien looking for that he hadn’t been able to find at the other place?
He knocked on one of the doors, and it was opened by a slim young man, somewhere in his early twenties. Dark hair, and olive-toned skin that reminded her of-
Thimble’s wings stopped fluttering for a moment in shock, and she let herself rest on the nearest rafter.
It wasn’t exact. He was too short, and the eyes were all wrong.
But that boy looked more like Occtis than anyone else she’d seen since entering the city.
Julien… Julien had gone to a brothel specifically to seek out someone who looked like Occtis?
Thimble wrapped her arms around her knees, her mind blank.
But curiosity had compelled her this far, and it hadn’t loosened its grip. After a few moments simply trying to process what she’d seen, she knew that she had to get closer. Maybe that man didn’t look as much like Occtis if she saw him close up.
The gap at the bottom of the door would have been much too small for anyone Julien’s size to peek through, but Thimble was able to wiggle herself in sideways, taking a glance inside the room.
Opulent and lush furnishings but her eyes searched for the occupants. None of the rest of it mattered.
Julien was sitting on the end of the bed, shirt already off, and the young man was in his lap, kissing his neck.
“Try- oh, this will sound so foolish,” Julien said, gathering the man’s hair in his hand and pulling him back to meet his eyes. “Try to be clumsier about it. Like you aren’t used to doing it. Fuck, I’ve never-“
“Virgin fantasies aren’t uncommon,” the young man said, and at least he didn’t sound anything like Occtis, instead having an accent much more like King Gus. “You’ve never asked for that before?”
“I’ve never asked for anyone to play pretend in such a way, no,“ Julien said as he ran his knuckle down the young man’s face. “You’re lovely. I should forget all this nonsense drifting about in my head and simply enjoy what you have on offer.”
“I want to please you,” the young man said, sounding surprisingly earnest. “Allow me to do so. Who do you need me to be? Is there anything I can do to be more like him?”
Julien hesitated.
“How familiar are you with the Sundered Houses?” he asked.
The young man cocked his head. “Not very. They don’t visit Timmony often. At least, not here in Timmon’s Rock.”
“That is good,” Julien said. “Your accent is not correct, but I think if you lower your voice and do not speak much, it should be fine.” He brushed his thumb across the young man’s cheek. “When I take you, it’ll be on your hands and knees. Call me… you may call me Julien.”
“And what will you call me, Julien?” the man asked, already making an attempt to lower his voice and flatten out his accent. It still didn’t sound much like Occtis but was less aggressively of Timmony.
Julien closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against the young man’s. “No names. I can’t- I’ll call you ‘my lord’. That will do. And try to… try to make your voice a little rougher.”
There was a soft, understanding sigh from the young man. “I see.”
They had lords here in Timmony too.
“Are you ready to begin, my lord?” Julien asked, and there was a hoarse, almost cracked edge to his voice. His hands cupped the young man’s ass, shifting him against Julien.
“Of course, Julien,” the young man said, with a more gravely tone to his voice that… that was closer to resembling how Occtis sounded as he was now. “I… I’ve never done this before. Be gentle?”
A sharp gasp inward from Julien.
She shouldn’t be here for this.
Thimble wiggled her way back out from under the door, darting back up to the rafters.
He stayed in the room for maybe an hour, and then he left again.
And he didn’t- he didn’t look completely satisfied with the experience, an unhappy twist to his mouth. Well, Julien wasn’t the only person who was fucking unhappy right now.
She couldn’t believe that she’d actually started to trust him.
So she followed him out into the streets and, when he passed close enough by the entrance to an alleyway, she flew in, thankful that she was wearing the Royce bracers of Oak and Birch, and she grabbed Julien by the collar and yanked him bodily into the alley.
Deserted at the moment, luckily enough.
“If you touch Occtis, I’ll kill you,” she said, throwing Julien towards the wall and releasing him.
Julien had merely looked startled and ready to fight when she’d first grabbed him, but now she watched his face flicker through any number of emotions, before settling into a smirk that was annoyingly familiar, leaning back against the wall as if he’d decided to put himself there.
“I touch Occtis all the time,” he said dismissively. “I have yet to hear an objection.”
“You know what I mean,” she said, and she couldn’t- she couldn’t be little for this argument. She made herself big — though frustratingly still not as tall as Julien — and crossed her arms as she glared at him.
“Do I?” Julien asked, raising an eyebrow.
Fuck, she hated him when he got like this.
“He deserves better than a shit like you,” she said. “So, to make my meaning as clear as possible, don’t try to fuck Occtis, the way you fucked that guy in there.”
“Is he incapable of making his own choices?” he asked, putting a hand to his heart in feigned distress. “Did you and Thjazi manage to break a child of a Sundered House that badly?”
“Fuck you, Julien,” Thimble snapped.
“Mmm, no. Even this size, I think you are not my type,” Julien said, with a disdainful sneer.
Thimble covered her face with her hands, wishing that she could start this whole conversation over again. Julien was impossible when he was being defensive. She knew that! Why’d she put him there?
She heard a heavy sigh from Julien, so she peeked through her fingers.
Did he look… remorseful?
“There is only one important thing we are taking out of this encounter,” Julien said. “Are you planning on telling anyone whatever you believe you saw?”
“Am I planning on telling Occtis?”
“Anyone,” he repeated. “Which naturally includes Occtis.”
“Why’d that boy in there not satisfy you, Julien? Was his skin not cold enough?” she asked, a familiar anger and frustration filling her up. “Too much life in him?”
Julien’s hand dropped to the hilt of his sword. Sprezzatura, once his father’s sword. The one that she’d brought back to him. Maybe he remembered that at the same time that she did, because he cursed and dropped his hand again, pacing several steps away from her.
“Always, you do your best to provoke me, and try to make me look like the unreasonable one,” he said. His shadow loomed on the wall next to him, and he glanced towards it. “Just like he loved to do.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” Thimble protested. She wasn't the one in the wrong here!
“I don’t plan on seducing him,” Julien said, turning to glare at her. “Obviously. One doesn’t fuck a proxy if one plans to… you and I don’t have to like each other, Thimble. But we can try to get along, because we are working together, and we both are trying to keep Occtis… well, as close to alive as he can be. So, stop trying to prod me into an argument.”
“Why… why wouldn’t you try to seduce him?” she asked, confused. “I’ve never known you to be the type to hold back.”
“Some things are more important than our base desires,” he said. “Complicating matters between myself and Occtis might make things… well, complicated. Right now, everything is simple and clear. Best it stays that way. And if that means blowing off a bit of steam every and then, isn’t that preferable?”
Oh no, this was much worse than she’d thought. Julien didn’t just want to have sex with Occtis. Julien might… might have actual feelings for Occtis. This was awful. Julien had fucked a lot of people but she had no idea if he’d ever actually had feelings for any of them.
“I suppose it is,” she agreed, feeling absolutely wretched and wishing she could entirely undo the last hour and instead have stayed by Occtis’s side. Fuck, she wished she didn’t know this about Julien. “You’re right. It’s better this way.”
The relief that crossed his face made her stomach churn.
“Then we are in agreement,” he said quietly. “No one needs to know.”
“No one needs to know,” she echoed. “I… I told Occtis that I was going to follow you, but I can just say you went to a brothel. No need to give him any details on anything else.”
“Fine,” Julien said, his tone entirely flat, and turning his head so that she couldn’t see his expression. “That’s fine. Go now. I will return when… I will return later.”
Occtis was sitting on the bed in his room of the guest quarters when she got back, apparently meditating. Ah, but Pincushion was nowhere in sight, so Occtis was probably elsewhere at the moment. She’d kept herself big during her journey back, but made herself small again now, leaning against Occtis’s knee and feeling sick to the stomach.
Julien liked Occtis. In a way that she’d never known Julien to like anyone.
It was a huge secret burning inside her chest and how was she supposed to keep something like that from Occtis? How was she meant to keep from blurting it out? How had Julien kept it a secret for however long as it had been true?
Occtis shook his head, his body relaxing slightly as he came back inside it.
“Thimble, you’re back,” he said, with a soft little smile and she couldn’t- she couldn’t lie to him! She couldn’t do it!
“Julien likes you,” she said.
“What?”
“He doesn’t want you to know, but I think he really likes you and it’s the worst, most awful and terrible thing.” Thimble pressed her forehead against Occtis’s knee.
She hated everything in the whole world.
“I… I think I need more detail than that.” There was something odd and glassy in Occtis’s tone, so she glanced up to look at his face.
She had been familiar with his expressions when he’d been alive, but she was still getting used to the changes, and she had no idea what the look on his face meant.
“I followed him,” she said miserably. “And he went to a brothel.”
“Alright,” Occtis prompted. “And…?”
“He hired someone who looks like you,” she said. “Not- I mean, he was too short. A little older. Wrong eyes. But other than that. Looked like you.”
Occtis’s eyebrows went up, his expression turning thoughtful.
“Huh,” he said.
She waited for more, but that seemed to be all he planned on saying.
“He didn’t want you to know, so maybe you could pretend that you don’t?” she suggested.
“You spoke to Julien about this?” Occtis asked, and she hated that she didn’t know what the tone of his voice meant or why he was making such a thoughtful expression. “He knows that you saw him?”
“He knows,” she said miserably. “He tried to get me to promise not to tell you, but I couldn’t- I can’t lie to you. I don’t want to lie to you.”
“You did the right thing,” Occtis said absently. A smile tugged at his mouth. “Well, that makes three, I suppose.”
“Three what?” Thimble asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” Occtis said, looking at her properly and giving her what she’d always thought of as his ‘Thimble’ smile, warm and fond. “Thank you for telling me. I won’t let Julien know that you ratted him out.”
Thimble let out a big sigh of relief. Maybe everything would be okay. She could forget what she’d seen, and Occtis could avoid Julien from now on, knowing that he had less than savory intentions.
Occtis didn’t avoid Julien.
Which was probably good, now that she thought about it. If he’d changed the way that he behaved around Julien, then it would have been obvious that she’d told Occtis the truth. Since Occtis kept acting exactly the same as he always had… Julien believed his secret was safe.
And now that Thimble knew the truth… it was easy to pick up on, now that she was looking for it. Julien deferred to Occtis in a way that she hadn’t seen him do with anyone other than Lady Aranessa. He often watched Occtis, even when they were on opposite sides of the room, his eyes lingering and warmer than she was used to seeing from him.
He touched Occtis so often. She hadn’t even realized it before their discussion but now she couldn’t stop noticing. A hand to his elbow to keep him from entering a dangerous situation. A touch to the shoulder if he seemed distressed. Fingers brushing along Occtis’s back whenever they happened to pass each other. I touch Occtis all the time, Julien had said, and it was true.
It was awful. It was like he was stealing something from Occtis.
Except that Occtis knew now. He knew how Julien felt. He could ask Julien to back off if he wanted to.
Because that was another thing she was noticing — the way Occtis spoke to Julien. Not much hesitation, and sometimes a tone of imperious command.
He’s acting like a noble, she couldn’t help thinking. But mostly only with Julien.
Before they left Timmon’s Rock, Julien slipped away again for a couple of hours. Probably to go back to that brothel. ‘Let off some steam’ as he’d put it.
She didn’t follow this time.
“I didn’t realize you knew people in Timmon’s Rock,” Occtis said after Julien had returned. “Friends?”
“Of a sort,” Julien said absently. He glanced towards Thimble and gave her a soft nod of acknowledgment. “But there is nothing here to keep me from leaving with everyone.”
The conversation felt like a double secret — the one that Julien believed that he shared with Thimble, and the one that she actually was sharing with Occtis.
“That’s good,” Occtis said. “We’ll need your sword when it gets dangerous.”
“Always ready to serve,” Julien said. “And hopefully there will be at least one Tachonis to murder when we arrive in Houndsport.”
Thimble wrinkled her nose at the lilting and teasing tone of his voice. Was Julien- was Julien flirting with Occtis over the idea of killing members of his family? No, that wasn’t- Julien didn’t want Occtis to know about his feelings. He couldn’t be flirting on purpose.
Apparently the thought of murder simply made Julien a little frisky.
“I would say that maybe we could talk instead, but… well, if they’re actively working on my family’s plan, that’s probably not an option,” Occtis said. “Try not to attack until we have a safe opening for it.”
“Hmm, I will try.”
“I mean it, Julien,” Occtis said, his tone sharpening. “Follow my lead.”
“As you say,” Julien said, and Thimble squinted at him. Was he trying to hide a smile? Why would he be smiling right now?
Things settled down once they were on the road, and she didn’t find herself second-guessing every interaction between Occtis and Julien. She spent some time with the others — having extremely different conversations about Thjazi with Kattigan and Bolaire, and getting to know Vaelus, who’d traveled with Occtis and Julien into the Eternal Night.
Vaelus, who felt more than a measure of guilt and remorse over not thinking about Occtis before she’d shattered the Stone of Nightsong.
“I don’t know how to make it up to him,” she confessed one evening, sitting away from the others with Thimble. “I can tell how disappointed he is, but I don’t know how to fix it.”
It was difficult to think about it — the idea of Occtis getting so hurt over something so out of their control. Thimble could only shrug in response and say, “I guess you have to prove to him that you are thinking about his safety now.”
“Maybe I should speak with Julien about it,” Vaelus said. “He and Occtis had such a prickly relationship when we started our journey, and they get along so much better now.”
“Maybe,” she said, doing her best not to be too curious about- “When did they start getting along?”
Vaelus thought about it for a time. “When Occtis stopped being so nervous around him. If you act like a frightened deer around Julien, he takes charge and tramples all over you. It’s best to be firm with him. But that doesn’t help me much when it comes to Occtis.”
“No, I suppose not,” Thimble said.
Everything seemed so much better, at least for a little while.
Then one night on the road, she woke up. It was meant to be Julien’s watch, but he was nowhere in sight.
She couldn’t see Occtis either. Kattigan was asleep, and both Bolaire and Vaelus seemed… dormant, in that way that they had that wasn’t quite sleep.
But Pincushion was there, lying next to the fire with Wulferic, button eyes gleaming.
“Where’s Occtis gone?” she whispered to Pin, who perked up. She settled on his shoulders, and he darted off into the night to find his creator.
She heard noise before she saw anything, and she tugged at Pin’s ruff to slow him down.
“-liar!” Sir Julien’s voice. He sounded less upset than she would have expected if he was calling someone a liar, though his voice was certainly raised.
She took off from Pin, darting up into the trees and creeping along the branches.
“The exact opposite, I would say,” Occtis responded. “She didn’t want to lie to me.”
Oh. Julien had figured out that… fuck.
“How long ago?” Julien asked. They were within view now, and she’d managed to get quite close. She’d be fine as long as they didn’t look up. Julien was leaning back against a tree, with Occtis a few paces away. Thimble frowned. She could see Julien clearly but Occtis’s back was to her, and she couldn’t tell what his mood was.
“The same day that it happened,” Occtis said, and irritation crossed Julien’s face.
“She could not keep a secret for even a day,” he said. “I suppose I should not be surprised. Are you… are you disgusted?”
“Am I disgusted… with you?” Occtis asked, confusion thick in his voice. “Why would I be?”
“Has she not been whispering in your ear?” Julien asked. “Telling you how awful I am?”
“No,” Occtis said, and he moved towards Julien, putting his hand on Julien’s forearm. “She hasn’t said anything like that. She doesn’t hate you, Julien.”
Melancholy touched Julien’s expression, and Thimble stuck out her tongue at him. How dare he try to play for pity with Occtis! “She does. There is too much bad blood between us. How can she do anything but hate me?”
“You’re harder to hate than you give yourself credit for,” Occtis said, which was certainly not true. “It’s alright, Julien. You don’t have to keep this secret from me.”
“Yes, I do,” he said. “We can’t- I can’t- My duty is to my family, and to the Lady Aranessa. That is clean, that is straight-forward. You are a complication that I don’t need.”
As agitated as Julien sounded, he hadn’t moved at all, as if Occtis’s hand had frozen him into place.
“Is that why you lied to me?” Occtis asked. “To keep things simple?”
“Of course,” Julien said. “I am… I am bound to House Royce, diminished as it is. I am bound to my vengeance, even if I die achieving it. I can offer you nothing, when you deserve…”
Julien let out a sigh, his chin dropping down so that she couldn’t see his face anymore.
“What do I deserve, Julien?” Occtis asked.
No answer.
“Sir Julien Davinos,” Occtis snapped out. “Answer me.”
Julien took a shuddering breath inward, lifting his head to meet Occtis’s gaze.
“My lord,” he breathed out and Thimble grimaced. “Everything. You deserve… everything that your family stole from you.”
Occtis leaned forward and- oh no. Oh no.
She couldn’t see it from this angle, thankfully, but it was still obvious that Occtis was kissing Julien.
Backing away quietly, Thimble flew to the camp as swiftly and secretly as she could.
She curled up on Vaelus’s shoulder, though sleep was impossible, her senses on high alert.
It was almost an hour later when Occtis and Julien returned to the camp. Pincushion was on Occtis’s shoulder and Occtis was reprimanding him in a soft voice.
“-to keep watch while I was speaking with Julien,” Occtis said, and Pin whined in distress. “Nothing seems wrong here. Why did you come out to get us?”
“Ah, do not be too hard on him,” Julien said, and he tugged Occtis to face him. Not for a kiss, thank fuck, but instead to smooth Occtis’s clothes back into place, which might have been worse, now that she thought about it. How had they gotten so mussed?
Why had they taken an hour?
“He needs to do the job that he’s been assigned,” Occtis said fussily. “Otherwise, how can I trust him?”
“Perhaps he simply wished to be near you,” Julien said, and he caressed Occtis’s jaw with his thumb. “An understandable motivation.”
“Julien,” Occtis protested, but he sounded much too giddy for anyone to have taken it seriously.
Ugh, how could Occtis be enjoying this? Julien was such an asshole so much of the time. Why did it seem like he could always charm anyone that he wanted into his bed?
“What? I’m speaking of Pincushion,” Julien purred. “Do you have objections to how I speak about your familiar, my lord Occtis? I would hate to act against your wishes.”
“You can’t- you can’t call me that around other people,” Occtis said. “You can’t talk to me like that around other people. It’ll be too obvious that- that we…”
“I will follow your lead, as always.”
“Oh, fuck it,” Occtis said, and he yanked Julien in for a brief kiss, Pin leaping off his shoulder to land on the ground, shaking his fur and jogging away. “You are impossible. Fuck, I wish that Pin hadn’t interrupted us. I want you to-”
There was a snort as Kattigan stirred, and Occtis stopped, his forehead dropping down to rest onto Julien’s shoulder.
“I am as eager as you,” Julien said, cupping the back of Occtis’s head, his fingers sinking into the dark strands of hair. “But we must exert a touch of patience. You are the one who decided to have this conversation in the middle of the woods, and not in a place where I could put you on a bed and teach you all the intricacies of pleasure.”
“I couldn’t wait,” he admitted. “I’ve done nothing but watch you for the last few days, thinking about you- about you fucking someone who looked like me.”
Thimble winced.
“Not near enough like you,” Julien said. “An entirely inadequate substitution. You have no idea how I long to learn your quirks, all the ways that you differ from other men.”
Occtis made a whining noise that made him sound not dissimilar to Pin. Thimble closed her eyes tight and desperately hoped that one of the others would wake soon enough to make this end before Occtis and Julien literally fucked in the middle of camp.
“You like it, don’t you?” Julien asked. “When I speak of the others that I’ve had. You enjoy hearing about it. Would you like me to fuck someone in front of you, and tell you all the ways they are inferior to you?”
“Fuck, Julien,” Occtis muttered. “Fuck.”
She was being tortured. That was the only possibility. She’d died and she was being tortured in the Tenebral Reaches by some Tachonis minion.
There was a silence or at least something that she wanted to pretend was silence, and wasn’t just Occtis and Julien kissing again.
“You need to get some sleep,” Occtis said after some time, his voice even rougher than normal. “Or you’ll be useless to me.”
“As my lord commands,” Julien replied, husky in a way that she didn’t want to think about. “I am ever at his service.”
She waited a while longer — it sounded like maybe Julien and Occtis had parted ways, Julien heading to his bedroll for the remainder of the night. When there was a chance that it might be safe, she peeked her eyes open. Julien was in his bedroll, thankfully alone, and Occtis was squatting near Pin, softly petting the fox.
Thimble closed her eyes again as Occtis stood, and she felt it as he gently touched Vaelus’s other shoulder.
“Julien’s watch has ended,” Occtis said quietly. “I believe you volunteered to take the final watch?”
“Oh, of course,” Vaelus responded.
“Is Thimble asleep?” he asked.
“I hadn’t realized she was there,” Vaelus said. “Hmm. I don’t wish to wake her, but I should be able to keep my watch from here. Are you going to try to rest your mind?”
“If I can,” Occtis said. “Vaelus… I wanted to say… I don’t blame you for the choice that you made. I know you might be thinking that I do, and I know that I’ve been distant. That wasn’t about you. I had something on my mind that I needed to figure out.”
“I appreciate you telling me that,” she said. “When I held the Stone during that moment, I could hear my dead family in my head, calling out to me from the Tenebral Reaches and asking me to use the Stone to take them to Tír Cruthú to find peace. It took everything inside me not to choose them over the Rungjani, to choose instead to complete the ritual at the Hallowed Round. But I’m sorry that I didn’t think of you, and didn’t consider that destroying the stone might hurt you.”
“Thank you,” Occtis said. “Like I said, I don’t blame you.”
After some time, Thimble was able to find her own rest, tucked up in the crook of Vaelus’s neck, half-hidden by her mourning veil.
Julien and Occtis didn’t act any differently the next morning than usual.
Or, no, that wasn’t quite right. Julien was actually touching Occtis less, as if he was suddenly self-conscious about how excessive it had been.
It was ridiculous for them to think they were fooling everyone!
Except that, well, no one else seemed to notice that anything was amiss or that anything might have changed.
Finally, Thimble couldn’t take it anymore.
She flew up next to Occtis’s ear and whispered indignantly, “How can you just pretend that you weren’t all over Julien last night?”
Occtis froze in place, shooting her a shocked glance.
“How did- oh,” he sighed. “That’s why Pin came out to the woods, isn’t it?”
“This is a terrible idea,” she said.
“Julien thought you’d say that,” he said. “But I’m not a child, Thimble. I can make my own choices.”
“He’s a bad choice,” she said. “He’s a liar, Occtis, and he’s a coward.”
“He isn’t a coward. And he only ever lied to me about one thing,” Occtis said. “Not anything to be angry with him over. I’m safe with him, Thimble.”
There was a level of certainty in his tone that let her know that he believed it too much for any challenge to break through successfully. Somehow, Julien had managed to get under Occtis’s skin.
Thimble dropped down to land onto Occtis’s shoulder, wishing once again that she could turn time backwards, that she’d never found out about Julien’s little obsession.
“I’m going to keep my eye on him,” she said. “In case this ends up going poorly.”
“It’ll be fine,” Occtis said. “I promise.”
If it wasn’t fine, if Julien broke Occtis’s heart in the end… well, Thimble would be there to help pick the pieces up.
After she stabbed Julien directly in his cold heart.
Thimble kept watching, but Julien kept not breaking Occtis’s heart.
Frustrating, because she knew that it was coming. Somehow, somewhere, it was coming.
But, for now, Julien’s presence seemed to make Occtis happier and that was worth tolerating him, at least a little bit.
And, okay, fine, Julien wasn’t as bad as he’d been twelve years ago, when he’d been a brash asshole of a kid skinnier than Occtis was now but with ten times as much attitude. Certain that he knew better than his own father or any of the other adults around him.
He’s a cocky brat, Thjazi had said once, but he might grow out of it.
Maybe losing almost everything had finally made Julien grow up.
At the very least, she had to admit that he was always willing to give his all in a fight to make certain that Occtis stayed safe. That was worth something.
The others figured out what was happening as time passed — Vaelus was the first and seemed gently amused by it, then Kattigan mentioned it casually as something that he’d clearly realized a while ago, and, oddly, Bolaire was the last and seemed the most dubious.
“I simply think Occtis could do better. Julien is such a messy boy,” he murmured to her at the campfire. “Though perhaps not as messy as he used to be. Do you know, I used to supply him with some fairly powerful magical drugs? He hasn’t asked for any on this trip. Maybe it really did bother him to find out they were made by demons.”
“What sort of drugs?” Thimble asked, sitting on his shoulder, as close to the mask as she dared.
“To dull the mind, as if he needed that,” Bolaire said, with a sniff. “That one’s mind is more than dull enough already. But he said that he wanted something to blot out memories and keep himself from dreaming.”
“How long have you been…”
Bolaire took a moment to think. “Oh, almost a decade now, I suppose. Funny how time gets away from us.”
“Good that he hasn’t asked you for anything on this trip,” Thimble said, and she was not going to let herself feel sorry for Julien Davinos. “We need his mind sharp.”
“Or as sharp as it can be,” Bolaire murmured, and it was suddenly made clear to Thimble why Julien tended to avoid him, even though they should get along as two people who both hated Thjazi. Bolaire viewed Julien with a level of patronizing disdain that was uncomfortable to listen to, and he wasn’t even directing it at her.
Julien was a lot of things, but he wasn’t as stupid as Bolaire was making him sound. Julien was frustrating as fuck, and he lied too much about important things — or at least he used to — and he always chose the path of pragmatic retreat over doing what was right… but he could be quick and clever when he wanted to be. Not as smart as Occtis, or maybe even Bolaire, but he wasn't a complete fool.
“Hopefully, he’s a better lay sober than he is when he’s high,” Bolaire added. “Not that I ever partook myself, you understand, but I witnessed more than a few encounters. He cries when he’s overwhelmed, and can’t always get it up.”
“Oh,” Thimble said, and her eyes went to Julien unwillingly.
He was off at the far side of the camp, speaking with Vaelus rather intently, using expansive arm motions. She could remember exactly what he’d looked like twelve years ago, a skinny streak of nothing, more brashness than muscle. Maybe Bolaire was amused by the idea of that kid hating himself so much that he… that he needed drugs to escape his own thoughts, but Thimble couldn’t help but feel profoundly sad, despite all the things that Julien had done in the past. Maybe it was all Julien’s own fault but- but…
Well, it was good that he was doing better now.
Her gaze shifted to his shadow dancing behind him on the ground. Talking to Occtis a little more about Obrimus Manor had revealed that Thaz had nearly gotten Julien and Occtis killed trying to get them to save her. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that.
Obviously, it was great that Thaz wanted to save her!
But she hadn’t wanted them to follow her. She’d wanted them to get away with Mara and return to the others.
She hated to agree with Julien but, sometimes, a pragmatic retreat really was the best course of action.
Thimble’s eyes darted around for an escape from her current conversation and saw Occtis sitting with Kattigan, and it looked- oh, it looked like Occtis was being taught how to whittle. She smiled, and said, “I need to see what Occtis is making over there. We’ll talk later!”
“We certainly will,” Bolaire said, as she lifted off his shoulder and darted in Occtis’s direction.
Kattigan and Occtis were right next to the campfire, with Wulferic and Pin tangled up in a heap at their feet, having had a play-fight earlier in the night.
“-the grain of the wood,” Kattigan was saying, but he broke off when she arrived. “Ah, Thimble. Would you like to join the lesson?”
“You know, I think that I would,” she said, making herself big and taking a seat next to Occtis. Snuggling in close and pretending like she didn’t notice how cold he was. She was getting used to it. “I can do things like that now!”
Occtis gave her a warm smile, and handed her a rough-hewn block of wood. “It’s fascinating. I think I might be able to adapt some of the techniques in my own work.”
“Thanks, pretty boy,” Kattigan said, with a gruff fondness. “Always glad to teach a trick or two.”
The conversation that followed was much more straight-forward and pleasant than the one that she’d been having with Bolaire.
Afterwards, she watched as Julien and Occtis went off deeper into the woods together, and didn’t let herself follow. Pin was still here, lying by the fire with Wulferic, and he would give warning if Occtis and Julien were attacked by anything.
They came back an hour or so later, Julien’s cheeks flushed and Occtis giving a slight smile whenever his gaze wandered in Julien’s direction. They were going to pass by her fairly closely, so she feigned sleep to catch a hint of their conversation.
“-careful,” Occtis was saying.
“As I can be,” Julien said. “But if there is a member of your family already in Houndsport-“
“I understand,” Occtis said. There was a brief silence, and he added, “At least wait for me to be with you. In case you need someone to heal you.”
“I don’t want you cutting yourself open for me,” Julien said, a touch of heat entering his voice. Thimble peeked her eyes open, to see if she needed to intervene, but the force in his voice wasn’t reflected in his body language. “I can recover my own strength.”
And she didn’t disagree with Julien — that Life Transference spell that Occtis had cast back in the crypt of the Seremai at Obrimus Manor had been terrifying to witness.
“Yes, I know, you’re fine and you don’t need any help,” Occtis said, with a roll of his eyes. “I promise that I won’t cast that spell on you unless it’s clear that you desperately need it. Happy?”
“Extremely so,” Julien said, and the back of his hand touched Occtis’s cheek. “You’re lovely when you’re passionate. You know this?”
“Julien, not while we’re here at camp,” Occtis scolded, but he was smiling too. “I think Vaelus is still keeping watch.”
“It’s fine!” Vaelus’s voice called out. “I’m not listening!”
Occtis winced and Julien covered his face with his hand.
“I take your point,” Julien said, his voice lowering significantly enough that even Thimble had trouble hearing him. “Not here at camp. Though my eagerness grows by the day. Hopefully, we will get at least one night to ourselves in the near future.”
“Yeah,” Occtis agreed. “I just hope it’s- I hope it’s not a disappointment for you.”
Julien cocked his head, looking mildly puzzled. “That is not how such things work, Occtis. I understand you have worries about your body’s reactions but this is not a concern. It is a puzzle for us to figure out together. My-“ He hesitated. “The way that I- well, my interest is not purely physical. You understand?”
“I do,” Occtis said, without hesitation. “I feel the same, Julien.”
Feel the same as what? Julien hadn’t said anything about his feelings!
But that was all for the night, Occtis and Julien separating so that Julien could go off to his bedroll for some sleep. Occtis sat next to Vaelus and they talked for a while, though too quietly for Thimble to make any of it out.
They were almost at the Sea of Imlay, where they would catch a ship to take them to Houndsport, at least based on the map that King Gus had given them.
At least there, they would hopefully get some more answers.
Julien almost died fighting the Tachonis forces in Houndsport, going down twice in a single battle.
“It wasn’t even any of my family, only our vassals,” Occtis scolded him later when they were all holed up together in a private dining room at their inn, his own arm wrapped up in layers of bandages from where he’d needed to slice his arm open for the Life Transference spell. “You can’t afford to be reckless.”
Julien half-shrugged but didn’t respond otherwise. He seemed distant and thoughtful.
“Are you even listening to me?” Occtis asked, and he reached out and turned Julien’s face towards his. “What’s wrong?”
Julien blinked, as if surprised to find Occtis so close.
“The more we learn of your family’s plans, the more…” Julien trailed off, and then glanced around at the others. “It is of no urgency. Ask me again later.”
In private, he obviously meant.
Thimble frowned.
When Occtis and Julien did get their private room for the night, paid for out of Julien’s personal funds, she couldn’t help herself and crept in as quietly as she could to hide. She didn’t want to see anything intimate, especially since she knew it was their first chance to be together like this, but she wanted to know what was wrong with Julien and why he didn’t want to share with the rest of them.
She would leave before they took off any clothes.
Julien and Occtis stumbled into the room only a few moments after she’d gotten herself settled into place, but they weren’t in any condition to spot her — Occtis’s hands were buried in Julien’s curls while Julien yanked at Occtis’s coat, the two of them kissing frantically.
“I have been so hungry the last few days,” Julien said, pulling Occtis’s coat and shirt down far enough to kiss at his neck and shoulders. “And you have been teasing me unbearably.”
“It wasn’t intentional,” Occtis said. “Ah- Julien- should we- ah! Should we talk first?”
Please, Thimble thought from her hidey-hole. Please talk first.
“We have waited long enough already. Sex first, talk after,” Julien said, and so Thimble covered her eyes and ears as best she could.
It… it took a while.
And was fairly noisy, no matter what she did to try to stop up her ears.
“There, you see,” Julien said afterwards, panting. “Your body can still work to please you.”
“I think you did all the work,” Occtis said. He wasn’t panting but seemed pleasantly exhausted regardless. “That was- that was better than I could have ever… thank you, Julien.”
“Very polite,” he said. He tugged at Occtis and arranged them so that Occtis was resting on top of him, and then, thankfully, he tugged the blanket over their waists. “Not necessary, but sweet. Now, you had a question you wanted to ask me. I will tell you anything you wish to know. I would have no secrets between us.”
“Agreed,” Occtis said. “What was bothering you about my family’s plans? Besides the obvious.”
Julien frowned, absently rubbing at Occtis’s back.
“They are so willing to sacrifice their own family,” he murmured. “Obviously, we knew this already from what they had done to you, and to Tertia but… to be so willing to throw away your own flesh and blood. Willing to hurt those that you should protect. It brought back bad memories, I suppose.”
“Your father?” Occtis asked, in a tone that implied this wasn’t the first time that he and Julien had talked about it. Thimble felt her eyebrows shoot up. What about Julien’s father? Raimond had always been a good man. “I’m sorry he treated you that way.”
“My father loved me. He wanted what was best for me. We simply disagreed on what that meant,” Julien said. “Yours is much worse. A true nightmare.”
Occtis shook his head.
“That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. I’m not interested in a competition about this.” Occtis’s voice had turned stern. “My father is a nightmare but your father… maybe he was a better man, but I’m not sure he was a better father.” Occtis placed his hand on top of a large, somewhat faded scar on Julien’s upper arm. “No child deserves this from their father.”
“I should not have told you about that,” Julien said, though he sounded fond. “You keep using it against me. And I was not a child.”
“Fifteen is still a child,” Occtis said firmly. “I was fifteen the last time I lived in my father’s house. I remember what it’s like to exist like that, never knowing if today is a day when he’ll lose his temper.”
Julien shook his head, some kind of instinctive denial of Occtis’s words. “I was old enough to go to war, Occtis. I was not a child.” He cupped Occtis’s face, looking softer than she’d ever seen Julien look. “But I thank you for your kindness.”
Thimble bit down on her lip to keep herself from making any noise. There was no hint of deception in any of Julien’s words, but he couldn’t- that couldn’t be true. Raimond wouldn’t have hurt his kid. Would he?
Could he really have hit Julien hard enough to leave a mark like that? That couldn’t have happened with a bare hand, but it looked too ragged to be a sword wound. Had Raimond used his gauntlet? And then refused to let Julien get any healing afterwards?
No, Raimond wouldn’t have done that, no matter how much Julien provoked him.
He’d been a good man.
Julien must be lying. It was an injury from a battle, probably. That made so much more sense. Julien had been deeply involved in the fighting, killing Falconers in the name of the Sundered Houses.
It was only a war wound and Julien had used it to try to get sympathy from Occtis, because he knew how horrible Occtis’s dad was.
Occtis and Julien were kissing again, so Thimble averted her eyes. Technically, she had her answer about why Julien had been behaving oddly and could leave now, but the answer didn’t make any sense.
Maybe it had happened later on, after Julien had already betrayed them? Still not great, but if Julien had technically been an enemy at the time, maybe it wasn’t so bad.
Except… fifteen, Occtis had said.
One of the things that Julien had mentioned had been Occtis’s family being willing to ‘throw away’ their own flesh and blood. And that sounded like he was talking about…
And Julien, Thjazi had asked Raimond once, after the Falconer’s Rebellion was well underway. Is he still being stubborn?
Brat doesn’t know what’s good for him, Raimond had replied. Hard head, I suppose. Inherited that from me. But don’t worry, I’ll make him understand what’s best for our family. I’m with you, Thjazi. And if Julien wants to remain a Davinos, he’ll be with you too.
How resentful Julien had been by that time, sullen and cold. At the time, it had only been an additional annoyance. A reason not to like him.
And then he’d simply been gone, and he’d finally made his own appearance on the battlefields, fighting on behalf of Royce and the rest of the Sundered Houses. It had been easy to hate him for that, to think of him as a liar and a traitor.
Whatever had happened with Raimond and Julien, Thajzi couldn’t have known the details. She was certain about that.
But maybe Julien believed that Thjazi had known.
Thimble waited until Julien had fallen asleep and Occtis stopped all movement before she crept out of her hiding place and escaped the room, hopefully unseen.
After Houndsport, their next stop was the Golden Orchard and the closer they got, the more nervous Thimble felt.
She hadn’t lived there for years, but it had once been her home. How badly had it been damaged? Had it truly been entirely destroyed?
It was too big a problem for a pixie.
So it was easier to focus on smaller problems.
“I’m sure she won’t hate you,” she reassured Occtis. “You’re very likable.”
“She will absolutely hate me,” Occtis said. “She already disliked me because of what my family did to hers, and now I’ll be the reason that Julien isn’t going to give her a grandchild.”
“Is it that serious with you and Julien?” Thimble asked.
Occtis glanced down, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Yeah. I think… I think it is, yes.”
“You trust him?” Thimble asked. “Because… I mean, he did turn on his father once.”
The whole area went cold, literally dropping several degrees in temperature. Thimble blinked, but the chill only lasted a moment.
“I’m not certain that’s what happened,” Occtis said, with a careful deliberation to his words, though he didn’t mention any of the things that she’d overheard him talking about with Julien. “Even if that’s what Thjazi believed.”
“Wow, I didn’t know you could affect the environment,” she said, keeping her voice cheery. “That’s impressive.”
“Thanks,” he said, an embarrassed look on his face. “It wasn’t on purpose.”
He’d just been that upset about Julien’s father being mentioned.
Occtis was… maybe… good for Julien, but she wasn’t sure if she liked Julien’s effect on Occtis. Her sweet flustered boy acted like a proper lord much more often these days, and Julien encouraged it.
Unfortunately, it was probably too late to stop any of it. Occtis listened to Thimble about a lot of things, but he didn’t listen to her about Julien.
She flitted off after that, searching around the camp to find Julien, finally locating him off in the woods.
He also seemed nervous, and he was playing with the wraith-gem that held his sister’s soul.
“So, we’ll be home soon,” she said, making herself big and settling on a fallen log near him. “Do we know how to help your sister?”
“Occtis thinks he figured it out,” Julien said, sounding distracted. “But we can’t test it until we’re near Alba. We don’t want to risk her soul getting lost.”
That made sense.
“Occtis is… he seems happy, or as happy as he can be in this situation,” Thimble said, determined to get the words out. Whether or not she liked it, Occtis had made it clear how he felt. And she didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t talk about this with her. So that meant making peace with Julien. “I guess it wasn’t so terrible that you liked him.”
“Oh, I appreciate your words of support ,” Julien said, the edge of sarcasm making her want to take the words back instantly. Then Julien sighed. “I do appreciate it. You mean a great deal to Occtis and you are… a very effective companion in battle.”
She bit back her own sarcastic response and said, “Yeah. You mean a lot to him too. So, maybe… friends?”
“Friends?” Julien repeated. He tucked away his sister’s gem and looked at the hand that she’d thrust out towards him. “We can make an attempt.”
Their hands clasped together.
Thimble still had her doubts about him. Probably he felt the same about her. But they had too much in common now. Too many reasons to stay in the same group.
It was time for a new start.