Chapter Text
Your name is Dave Strider, and today is the day. After 15 years of beating around the bush, a very thorny and impressive bush, you might be ready to dive into this shit and admit it. You might be liking a boy.
Perhaps you're willing to admit that the nights spent in his arms didn't feel all that platonic. Perhaps you also glanced at him for reasons other than just his, as you consoled yourself, weird appearance. Perhaps you would use the word “cute” now. Perhaps a couple of your dreams with him were a bit too explicit. Perhaps you fucking love being around him and are kind of hoping he would brush his fingers against you for any reason.
You might be somewhat kind of crushing on Karkat Vantas. Crushing hard, by the way. You somehow missed the moment when this happened.
And you had your crashout. After everything you've been through, you're allowed to have a little crashout. You were so sincerely sure that this was just a normal close friendship. Who in your place wouldn't have a little freakout? However, your brain tells you – probably the one who, like a fool, does not think that sleeping in the arms of another guy is not gay. God, you were such an idiot. You remember how you came to him for comfort and he petted your hair until you fell asleep. Your face warms up. You stop remembering it.
Literally the only reason you haven't gone completely nuts is your flickering hope that it's mutual. After all, he is the one who allowed you to sleep in his arms, on his shoulder and on his thigh. A lot of times. The more you think about it, the more you hate yourself. You probably gave him a lot of mixed signals there, claiming you weren't gay at all, and where did that get you? You make a mental vow to never betray his trust like that again. And even then, this is only if your feelings are mutual and you are not misreading him completely.
Okay, you know your nights are at least pale. There's no way in hell he doesn't have some pale feelings for you. That's already a win, however, quite insignificant. You are greedy and want much more.
You glance in his direction as he watches the movie. On this movie night you can't concentrate on the movie at all. All your thoughts are filled with one thing - is this mutual or not?
How are you even supposed to ask? "Hey, Karkat, remember how I said I wasn't gay? You made me realize otherwise! Do I have a chance?" – Okay, you’re not a COMPLETE loser. But how can you avoid making it as awkward as possible?
KARKAT: WHAT?
Oh shoot. You’ve been staring at him.
DAVE: nothing
You mutter under your breath, quickly looking away. Your movie nights are already a familiar routine, yes, but today feels completely different. Sure, you still feel comfortable around him, but a feeling flutters in your chest somewhere between anxiety and awe. You like a boy. You actually fucking like a boy.
"What would bro say?" flashes through your head, and you have to physically refrain from cringing. Thoughts about your bro just don't mesh with the awe you feel when you think your feelings might be mutual. You've already been able to avoid that thought when you hugged him and let him play with your hair, so what's different? You'll suppress these feelings this time too.
It would just be easier to know for sure. It feels like your psyche is currently based solely on the hope that your feelings are reciprocated. You're violating your heterosexuality, obviously it should at least pay off? But what if you misrepresent him? What if he human-pities you? Are you that much of a failure? You glance at him once more.
Surely he wouldn’t do all these things you’ve listed in your head without some kind of sympathy towards you? It just doesn't make sense. But then again, if your routine is so obviously gay, why hasn't he made the first move? So it's not obvious after all. You're not sure about anything. You just really, really want to know for sure, that's all.
KARKAT: DUDE.
KARKAT: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
Oops. Caught once again.
DAVE: nah its just
DAVE: um
You lean slightly closer. You have a very, very stupid idea.
DAVE: karkat
KARKAT: UH
KARKAT: YEAH?
DAVE: look
You mumble mindlessly, moving even closer. You're just curious how close he'll let you get and whether he'll pull away. Obviously, you're not going to kiss him right now. You're not ready, and you doubt that he is. You barely accepted that you like a boy, and you're still not sure what your bro would say about that. It's scary to imagine what he would say to a kiss.
DAVE: just lemme…
KARKAT: ???
He looks at you like you're a nutcase before freezing, probably realizing what you might be trying to do. Fuck. His eyes immediately widen. Okay, maybe your idea is a little reckless, but who cares? His gaze actually flickers to your lips for a second, making your stomach do a little backflip. Is he actually letting you? This shit is mutual afterall???
He’s actually not pulling away. You're so happy right now that you can't find a place for yourself. Of course, 15 years of maintaining a stoic face is taking its toll, and you don't show it. This is a serious moment, after all; you can't just giggle or something. You're simply imagining how happy you could be if you could hug him without an excuse, or maybe kiss him on the cheek. He looks so adorable, looking at you with bated breath as you get closer and closer, bringing his hands to his chest. His pupils dilate more the closer you get. You can almost ignore the feeling of disgust that's so ingrained in your chest, his cuteness just overshadows it. You look into these two abysses before he closes them, shaking a little and–
Shit, you just kissed him. Straight up gave him a little peck. Right on the lips.
Your momentary euphoria is instantly shattered by the realization that you just kissed a man. You've lost your first conscious kiss, and you lost it with a man. Of your own free will. You weren't ready. You weren’t ready AT ALL.
In a split second, panic flares up in your chest. What the fuck have you done? Self-loathing instantly overwhelms you. You just accepted that you might like a guy and immediately rushed to make out with him like you've been waiting for the opportunity to kiss a man your whole life.
Fucking dirty. Too fast, even for a normal couple. You're disgusted with yourself, disgusted with how desperate you are. He reaches out towards you and you jerk back. He looks confused. Your heart is pounding wildly. You've ruined everything. You've ruined yourself.
DAVE: sorry
You manage to squeeze out of yourself before swiftly flying out of the common block. You instantly use the nearest transportalizer to your respiteblock, getting there as fast as your godtier allows you and quickly locking the door.
There's a ringing in your ears. You press your hands to the sides of your head and hope he doesn't follow you. Fuck, fuck, fuck. How did you manage to turn this situation from "heavenly" to "hellish" in a span of one minute? With shaking hands, you reach for your headphones and put them on, turning something up to full volume. You hope you won't hear the knock on the door or the sound of the Pesterchum's notifications. You’re hyperventilating.
You’re such, such, such a moron.