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I don't think I can do this anymore, Eddie.
Was how the note opened.
Eddie's hands shook as he unfolded the paper in his hands. Steve's Note. His last and final note. The handwriting was clear, and easy to read, like Steve's had always been. He always joked about how having so many Nannies meant he'd had at least double the nagging, despite only ever having one at a time. Eddie got the feeling that some of them had been less than kind about it.
I'm so tired. I love you all so much. I love you so much. I don't think I could ever do you justice.
Eddie had half a mind to throw the paper out a window, tear it up and let only the wind know Steve's last words.
I think that I need to leave. I'm in the way now. Vecna is gone so you won't be needing me and my bat, and really, I never was good for anything else anyway.
Sure, I could drive the kids around town all day, but most of them are more than old enough for a license.
Nance and Jon have plans, Robin has Vikkie, you've got your band, it's all going beautifully. You guys won't even notice I'm gone.
My parents won't either. They left on a business trip when I was 5. I've seen them twice since then. Once because they needed some important documents and the like from home so they stopped by when I was 7. They didn't even stay long enough for dinner. And at graduation they showed up, dad clapped my shoulder and smiled, told me I'd done well, smiled for the camera, and left as soon as no one was watching.
Eddie stared at the wall. He was trying very hard to not clench the paper in his hands. Steve had never actually told anyone where his parents where. Everyone knew they were gone, but didn't really grasp how gone, Eddie now realized.
Steve had been alone all of those years. Through Vecna and highschool. Who knew when the last Nanny had come and gone.
Eddie felt sick.
I'm going to miss you, Eddie. I'm going to miss everyone but I think I'll miss you the most. I never got to understand family. Dustin was the closest I ever got. But you made me want family. You made me want a family that wanted me as much as I wanted them.
I'm sorry I was such an asshole in highschool. I hope I never was too cruel to you. I'm sorry I don't remember. I'm sorry that I'm writing you this shitty letter instead of saying it to your face. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend. I'm sorry I let the demobats get you. I should have protected you better.
I love you, Eddie.
Eddie couldn't take it anymore. His lungs gasped for air as he tried to hold in the sob that was wracking his chest.
Steve had loved him.
Steve saw family with him.
Steve had killed himself last night.
The sob broke free, ripping itself from Eddie in a devastating heave. Tears fell down his face to fast to wipe.
Steve was gone.
Eddie had found him this morning when he had gone over to set up for a D&D session that Steve was hosting. There was no blood. He hadn't hung himself. He looked almost peaceful, slumped over against the wall in the bathroom.
He had been so cold. Cold, and stiff and wrong. So so wrong.
Eddie called 911 and Hopper had been first on scene. Then Joyce. Then the paramedics.
Eddie hadn't been able to move. He sat, holding Steve's still body to his own warm one. Hopper had to nearly carry Eddie out of the bathroom to get to Steve.
Joyce had called everyone else. Eddie was forever grateful for her for doing so. He's sure she had been choking back tears like he was.
He had sat on Steve's Bed and stared at his desk. On it, was a cup with several pens in it, a ruler, a piece of paper with a list, and an envelope.
The list read:
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Vacuum
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Clean out fridge
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Cancel newspaper subscription
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Cancel D&D
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Turn in resignation letter
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Cancel credit card
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Write down bank information
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Write letter
Below that was listed bank account information and a couple other miscellaneous passwords and the like.
The envelope had a name on it.
Eddie
Seeing his name had shocked Eddie just enough to bring him back to his body to pick up the envelope.
Eddie hadn't shown or told anyone about the letter, but he suspected at least Hopper and Joyce seen the list and therefore knew something about a letter existing.
Eddie had taken the letter and Steve's yellow sweater home with him. He had almost taken his own vest, the one he had given Steve to cover up after going through the gate, as well after seeing it hung reverantly on the inside of the door to Steve's closet. But it had seemed wrong to move it. It was Steve's, really. If Eddie had wanted it back he would have gotten it months ago
I hope the funeral arrangements are easy. Its about the only thing I can't do myself. I'm not sure how long it will take me to die.
The house is being left to you, Eds. My parents left it to me for my 18th. You'll have plenty of room for your game sessions now.
"I don't want the house, you asshole!" Eddie threw the letter away from himself, seething. The paper move about a foot and then slowly sank to the floor.
"The house is no good without you in it." He whispered to the still air around him. The tears hadn't stopped. They fell onto the sleeve of Steve's sweater that he was now wearing.
Eddie slowly bent and picked the paper up, flattening the crumples.
Tell the kids that I love them? And I'm sorry I can't say goodbye any better. I just can't stay any longer, Eddie.
I can't keep pretending like it makes sense for me to be apart of this. I don't fit in. I'm not smart enough to contribute and you guys don't deserve my dead weight.
I'm tired of trying. I just don't think I can ever be good enough. Maybe reincarnation exists and I'll get to try again. After vecna that doesn't seem all that far fetched. I'll actually do something besides be a bully this time around.
I'm glad I got to know you, Eddie. And the kids and Hopper and Joyce and Robin. Oh she's going to be pissed, isn't she. Her goodbye is in the top drawer of my desk, by the way. Access to the savings account I have. She can finally move out. Maybe go to school or take Vikkie with her someplace. She's going to do good things in the world.
I'm glad I was here, in Hawkins, when I was. I'm glad I got to fight Vecna with you all. I'm glad I got to be part of a family like that for a bit, even if I wasn't supposed to be.
The letter ended there. No signature, no personalizing mark. No mention that the person who wrote the letter might be worth remembering or even mentioning.
Eddie hated himself right now. He hated everyone. How dare they not notice? How dare they allow Steve to believe that he wasn't supposed to be apart of things? Apart of their messy little trauma bonded family?
Steve had been there since the beginning and he had been glue and brawns and moral. They couldn't have made it through if not for Steve. Eddie would have died to the demobats if not for Steve.
Eddie needed to sit down. He was sitting down. He needed to breathe. He needed Steve. But Steve wasn't there and he wouldn't be there. Steve would never be there ever again. He gone and he had left before Eddie could tell him he loved him back.