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Doorman Dan was the head greeter for L'Oie D'or Du Déesses — The Goddesses' Golden Goose — which was the finest restaurant in all of Hyrule. Therefore, he was very surprised when a person approached with what was very much not a dog.
“I’m sorry, sir, but you aren’t allowed to bring wolves into the restaurant,“ Dan said, doing his best to sound authoritative and not scared out of his fucking mind.
“Oh, this isn’t a wolf. His name might be Wolfie, but he really is just a dog.”
No he fucking wasn’t, Dan thought, but he elected not to argue. “No dogs are allowed in the restaurant,” he said instead.
The man pouted. “He’s my service dog.”
Dan sighed and opened the door. Not even L'Oie D'or Du Déesses paid him enough to risk getting eaten by a wolf for this.
---
“I’m sorry, sir, but you aren’t allowed to bring animals into the restaurant.”
“Oh, that’s Sheerow,” the man, dressed in a garish purple suit, smiled like he’d just fixed everything. The bird, which was sat atop his head, chirped like it was agreeing.
“It’s still not allowed into the restaurant.”
The man’s companion, a person in a very fancy red dress, scowled in a way that didn’t match their outfit at all. Dan was little afraid he might get murdered over a bird. “Come on, Rav. Let’s go somewhere else.”
The person in the red dress turned and walked away haughtily. ‘Rav’ sulked but quickly followed after. Dan breathed a sigh of relief. After the wolf last week, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep his job if he let more animals in.
---
“No you can’t bring your horse into the restaurant,” Dan said incredulously, shocked at the gall of the man in front of him to even ask that. The man himself wasn’t even dressed nice enough for L'Oie D'or Du Déesses.
“Aww, Epona’s a good girl. She’ll behave,” the man drawled in the most country accent Dan had ever heard.
The horse, ‘Epona’ apparently, snorted contemptuously at him.
“No horses,” Dan insisted.
The man sighed but walked away, much to Dan’s relief. The glare from the horse, though, bothered him the rest of the night. He was a bit worried the animal would return and make him pay for denying it entry.
---
Dan stared at the three people approaching him, and their three absolutely massive birds following them.
The people were well-dressed. The woman was wearing an evening gown in a blue so light it looked white. One man was in a pale green, with red and white accents. The other was in a much darker blue, with details in a green that matched the other man's.
The birds were bright red, dark black, and light purple.
“Hello,” the woman said once she was close enough. She flashed a bright smile that might have made Dan swoon if he weren't distracted by the giant birds. “We don't have a reservation. It's that a problem?”
Dan refocused. Giant birds might not be something he could do, but assisting customers with questions certainly was. “It's not, but I'm afraid the birds aren't allowed inside.”
“What?!” The man in blue exclaimed. He had bright ginger hair quaffed to an impressive degree. Dan was slightly jealous, though not enough to be cowed by his anger. “Why not?!”
“Sir, L'Oie D'or Du Déesses doesn't allow pets, and, even if we did, giant birds would not count as pets anyway.”
“Of course our Loftwings aren't pets!” The man in green said, sounding affronted. “They’re our greatest companions, the other halves of our soul, the-”
The woman put her hand on his chest. “Link, it's okay. The Loftwings can stay outside.”
The man in green blushed and looked slightly apologetic even as the man in blue grumbled, but both relented.
The woman flashed Dan another smile. “Sorry about that. The Loftwings will wait on the roof for us.” She gave an impressive whistle, gestured with her hand, and the light purple bird took off, closely followed by the other two.
When the birds were gone, she stepped forwards. Not knowing what else to do, Dan opened the door for her and her companions. He wondered if the birds would cause any issues from being on the roof.
Oh well. So long as they didn't shit on him, it wasn't his problem.
---
Dan pinched himself, sure that he was dreaming, as he watched a kangaroo hop towards him.
The weirdest part, surprisingly, wasn't the bright red boxing gloves it was wearing — as if kangaroos weren't well-armed enough between their legs, tails, and 8-packs — but instead the person sitting inside its pouch. Their expression was a mix between a scowl, and the face a person makes when they know they're doing something weird but are hoping no one will acknowledge it.
Dan was going to acknowledge it.
“Good evening,” Dan said in his usual warm customer service tone. “I'm afraid animals, including kangaroos, are not allowed in L'Oie D'or Du Déesses.”
The person's scowl worsened. “Well that's some bullshit. Ricky is better behaved than half the people you do let in.”
“Even still, I'm afraid I must insist.”
“Fine.”
---
“That's a bear.”
“His name is Moosh.”
“It's blue!”
“He has a name, you know!”
“It has wings!”
“Look, are you going to let us in or not?”
“No, I’m not going to let a bear into the restaurant even if he’s blue and has wings!”
“UGH!”
---
Dan held back a scream at the sight of an approaching dodongo. He’d been granted a sword and shield when he was hired for this position, but he hadn’t actually expected to need to use them! At most he’d been prepared for entitled customers and the occasional irate citizen.
Still, figuring out how to use a sword on the fly was better than getting eaten, so fighting it was.
“Reservation for two?”
Dan looked up from where he definitely wasn’t cowering behind his shield. The dodongo had stopped in front of him. On top of the dodongo were two people — the man with the garish purple suit and his companion from a few weeks back. The companion’s dress was blue this time, though no less fancy. They were riding side-saddle to accommodate their skirt, which was a sight to see on top of a dodongo.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Dan said to the man in purple. “No animals are allowed in L'Oie D'or Du Déesses.”
“That’s some bullshit and you know it!” The companion exclaimed, pointing at him accusingly.
The man in purple reached back and patted the leg of his companion. “Link, it’s okay. We figured this would happen.”
“It’s still bullshit, Rav,” ‘Link’ grumbled.
‘Rav’ patted their leg once more consolingly, shot Dan a smile, and said, “We’ll be right back, then.”
Dan watched in a mixture of awe and horror as, with a pat, the man in purple got the dodongo to lumber off to the side, got it parked in one of the designated spots for transportation, dismounted, and got his companion dismounted. Together, they walked back to Dan.
“See? No animals. We have a reservation for two under ‘Ravio’?”
Dan checked. They had the reservation. Despite their absolutely insane mode of transport, they weren’t breaking any rules. He shrugged and let them in.
---
Dan stared at the massive dragon approaching the front of the restaurant with horror. It was going to eat him. He was going to die. He couldn’t fight that thing. Would running into the restaurant save him, or would the dragon enter too?
So distracted was he that he didn't notice the smartly-dressed man with long blond hair approach until he said, “Dinner reservation for two under Link?”
Dan wasn't too manly to admit he jumped in surprise. He looked the man over. He was alone.
“For two?”
The man nodded. “Me and my girlfriend.” He gestured to the dragon.
“You can’t- That’s not- What?”
The dragon, now close enough for Dan to count its many great teeth with close precision, spoke in a soft, feminine voice, “It's not a problem, is it?”
“N-n-no, Ma'am,” Dan stuttered out. He opened the door for the two.
Once they were inside, Dan breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn’t gotten eaten, and the dragon was the inside-crew's problem now.
Maybe he should find a better job.