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"How the hell did it know? That was such a niche reference!"
"Connors, you're fucking stupid. In what world is Marvel niche?"
"Sleepwalker? No one knows Sleepwalker! And it only asked like 7 questions, there's no way. This thing is rigged."
"Wait, give it to me! I have one."
"Nuh uh, no way Carmy. Last time you used my computer you spilled a whole beer on it. You made me lose like, all my pictures."
"What? All of your dick pics? I promise you Marly, that's not a loss. Also what idiot doesn't backup their pictures."
"Fuck off and hands off, you've lost tech privileges for the foreseeable future."
"You can't tell me what to do! Roz is still here for another month so don't start with your Captain bullshit just yet."
"What is happening here? I leave for ten minutes and Marly is already jumping to replace me?" A deep, Russian voice drawled from around the corner.
A tall, blonde man walked into the kitchen, phone in hand seemingly ending a call. He looked up to find five burly men standing around his kitchen island, huddled around a laptop.
"No one is trying to replace you Rozy, Carmy just needs to be put in his place and learn how to share." St. Simon glared at Carmichael.
Carmy rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in front of him. "Fine, you pick someone then."
"Pick someone for what?" Ilya asked.
"This game Hammersmith found. It's called Akinator. It's literally magic. I can't figure out how it works."
"Game? I am nice enough to throw party for my team, give them time to mourn me before I leave them forever, and they spend time playing computer games?"
"No you don't get it man." Piped up Hammy. "Alissa showed it to me. This thing is crazy! You try, pick a person. It can be like a character from a show or movie or like celebrities."
"Okay, fine. I will pick… Dom. Fast and Furious."
Ilya peered over Marleau's shoulder to look at the computer screen sitting on the kitchen counter. A cartoon genie filled the screen, with three options to click on hover next to him. "Characters. Objects. Animals."
"Here, just answer the questions about the character." Marly slid the laptop closer so that Ilya could take over.
Ilya clicked onto "Characters."
"Is your character real?"
"Real to me, yes." But he clicked on no for the sake of integrity.
"Is your character from a Japanese Anime?"
"Anime is the cartoon thing, yes? I did not know it is Japanese. Will have to ask about this."
"Ask who?" Hammer cocked his head.
Ilya pretended not to hear him, instead just choosing no and moving on.
"Is your character a famous youtuber?" No.
"Is your character older than 20?" Yes.
"Is your character linked with sports?"
"Is street racing sport?"
The boys looked around at each other.
"I guess it could count?" St. Simon answered.
"Just say probably." Marly answered.
The questions continued on, narrowing down the possible options. Ilya was still skeptical but wanted to indulge his boys. He would only get so many more opportunities before his move to Ottawa. He had been trying his best to manage his time. It was difficult, what with coordinating with Shane and Yuna to get started on the foundation, working with his agent to talk with the Centaurs' management, reviewing listings with his real estate agent while fielding questions from Shane about every detail of them. But he had to make time for his team. He didn't want to neglect them, this little family he had built for himself. Sure, maybe they weren't the brightest bunch and Ilya could only let them in so far, what with the family stuff and the secret gay love affair for the better part of a decade. But, he loved them and he knew they loved him.
"Does your character have hair?" Now that was just rude. But, Ilya's answer seemed to have done the trick because the screen reloaded and Vin Diesel popped up onto the screen.
"I think of: Dominic Torretto."
Ilya furrowed his brow.
"No way. It cheated. I said name out loud, computer heard me or something."
"No man, I told you! It just knows. Do it again. Don't say the name out loud." Hammer nearly squealed with glee.
Ilya cracked his neck slightly, repositioning himself in front of the computer.
He refreshed the page.
"Is your character a girl?" Yes.
"Is your character a singer?" No.
"Does your character have kids?"
"She better not." Ilya grumbled.
The questions continued on, seemingly aimlessly at first. The algorithm grasping at straws. Until it began to narrow down.
"Has your character played a superhero?" Yes.
"Does your character have red hair?" Yes.
"Has your character been kidnapped in a movie?" Yes.
The loading screen popped up.
"I think of: Rose Landry."
"Bah! This is crazy! It is cheating somehow! Reading search history or something!"
"Seriously, dude? Rose Landry? You're still not over her yet?" Asked Carmichael.
"Bro, shut up, you're going to get us killed." Marleau chastised.
"Over her? No, no. You misunderstand. I hate her. Annoying. She is annoying and rude. And annoying."
"Seriously, Carmy? Why would you bring that shit up again? He's going to make us do bag skates for a whole month again."
"I thought he was over it! He's been texting Montreal Jane so much lately, there's no way he still gives a shit about Rose."
Ilya's face softened ever so slightly.
"Yes, my Jane keeps me very busy."
"I still can't believe you're leaving us for a girl." Marly rolled his eyes.
"I never said I am leaving for girl. Girl is perk. I leave for money. I am very hot commodity. You would not know. They pay me a lot of money to go fix up team like I fixed up all of you.”
Ilya's phone began buzzing in his hand, screen lit up to show "Jane". The picture of a sunset on a lake.
"Ah, speaking of my Jane. I must take this. Take this demon mind reader away from me. So creepy. I better not get virus because of you."
He turned away, rounding the corner again to pick up the call.
"Hello zaychik, you call back so soon. You know this anime thing? You watch these? Is Japanese you know."
The team looked at each other, slightly forlorn.
Connors leaned back in his stool. "I still can't believe he's leaving."
"I know," Carmy said. "I really thought he would retire here."
"This Montreal Jane must really be something. I mean I know Ottawa is probably paying him a stupid amount of money but, I don't buy that that's the reason." Marly said softly.
"Our boy is all grown up and in love." St. Simon looked up, hands over his heart.
"Never thought I'd see the day." Hammersmith shook his head somberly.
"I just wish I knew who the hell she was. Like, I don't really think that her name is Jane. But I don't see why Roz would hide her. Maybe she's famous or something too." Said Carmy.
"Wouldn't be the first time he fell for someone high profile. I mean if the Rose," Connors whispered the name conspiratorily. "thing was any indication, he has a type."
"WAIT." Carmy stood up suddenly, almost knocking over his beer in the process.
"Bro, are you fucking kidding me?" Marly grabbed the laptop, lifting it up over the counter so any spillage wouldn't get on it. "For a guy who gets paid to be coordinated you're a fucking mess."
"Sorry, sorry I just— If she's famous, maybe we can get AKINATOR to figure it out for us!"
"What? Don't be stupid. How could Akinator know who Jane is if we don't even know who she is?" Connors asked.
"Hmm… I don't know. Akinator works in strange and mysterious ways." Hammer pondered, theatrically stroking his beard.
"I mean, there's no harm in trying." Carmy pulled the computer back down gently from Marly, earning him a wary stare.
He refreshed the page, Akinator opening his arms with a smile and crossing them again.
"Is your character real?" Yes.
"Does your character have a human head?"
"Jesus Christ, I sure hope so."
"I don't know. Roz is into some freaky shit." Marleau said slowly.
"And how do you know that?" Connors asked slowly.
St. Simon smacked him on the back of the head. "Stop bringing up shit no one wants to hear about. Unless you wanna sit through the time he and Roz had a threesome again."
"T'was a dark and stormy night in Boston-" Marly started which earned him a smack on the head from St. Simon as well.
Carmy shook his head, forging ahead with the questions.
"Is your character involved in sports?"
"I guess we could say probably? They had to meet doing something sports related. Not like Montreal is crawling with celebrities."
Connors pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh god this is going to be harder than we thought. We're really not going off of a lot."
"Is your character from North America?" Yes.
"Is your character Canadian?" Yes
"Does your character speak French?"
"Probably right? I mean it's Quebec."
"Roz does love his foreign girls."
"If he wanted a french accent he could've just asked me, didn't have to move all the way to Canada for it." Huffed St. Simon.
"Does your character know a lot about hockey?"
"Yes, Roz is always texting her after games and she's always sending him critiques." Hammer chimed in. Carmy nodded and answered accordingly.
"Does your character have a demanding job?"
"She must, right? I mean otherwise why would Roz be moving up there instead of her moving down here?" Connors asked. Diligently, Carmy answered yes.
"Does your character have freckles or moles?"
"I—" Marly reddened slightly. "May have seen a sext about some freckles the other day after practice."
"Ew. Gross. Moving on." Carmy shook his head as if trying to physically dislodge the image from his head.
"Is your character in the public eye?"
"Just say yes, if we're working under the assumption that that's why they're keeping it secret."
The screen loaded, the animated genie thinking before the image appeared.
"I think of: Shane Hollander"
The boys all froze. Trying to comprehend what just appeared on their screen. Before all exploding into a fit of laughter.
"Can you fucking imagine?" Cried Connors.
"Even in a fuck ass game those two are always being put together." St. Simon exclaimed.
Marly clutched at his stomach. "Hammer, I think we finally beat your genie."
"Hey, don't blame the genie! We barely had any info. Who knows if we were even answering accurately!"
"Okay, okay," Carmichael refreshed the game. "Relax, let's try again before Hammy has a meltdown."
They began answering the questions again, getting a few repeats but mostly along the same lines, public visibility, attractiveness, competitive demeanor.
"I think of: Shane Hollander"
This time no one laughed. Instead Hollander's face stared back at them. No one said it, but they all focused in on his freckles.
Carmy laughed awkwardly, trying to break the tension. "Should we… I don't know. Try one more time?"
"There's just no way right?" St. Simon looked around wildly, trying to get anyone to throw him a bone and make sense of this.
They attempt it one more time. This time not even discussing the answers as Carmy plugs away at the computer.
"I think of: Shane Hollander"
"But. She. He always says she when he talks about her." Marleau said quietly.
"Okay but... I don't know. You guys did have a threesome." Connors offered hesitantly. St. Simon glared at him for bringing it up again but couldn't refute the point himself.
"That doesn't mean anything! It's not like we did stuff together. I mean we like kissed a little—"
"WHAT." Chaos ensued as they all began talking over each other, Marly trying to shout over the din.
"The chick wanted us to! It was like… I don't know, for the bit! It wasn't us actually hooking up. Roz likes women. I know that for sure."
"Okay but, that still doesn't totally rule out men." Hammersmith corrected. "I mean it would explain why he is keeping it quiet."
"And he did go to that Scott Hunter thing after the MLH awards last year. I was talking about it with Vaughny at All Stars this year and he said Roz was like… comfortable. Dancing with guys there." Said Carmy.
"Okay, sure. Maybe Roz could like dudes. Whatever, who cares." Marleau glanced around the kitchen, silently daring anyone to counter him. No one did.
"Or sure, maybe he could mess around with them for fun. But Hollander? There's just no way."
"I mean. Montreal and Ottawa are close I think. Maybe only a couple hours. Ottawa is a shit team. Roz knows that. But he chose them anyway…" Hammy trailed off.
"But, that's just because of the cap space. Montreal could never afford both Hollander and Roz. Otherwise, Roz probably would've chosen Montreal to be closer to his girl." Connors stumbled. "Or guy. Or whatever."
"Right, which is why that would be the perfect cover." Said St. Simon, still a little frantic.
"Ok but guys. Hollander. Hollander? They hate each other." Marly looked around incredulously.
"Sure, maybe to the cameras. But think about it. Do they ever fight? They've never thrown their gloves with each other before. They chirp, sure. Roz annoys the fuck out of him whenever he can. But, they never say anything bad about each other outside of hockey." Said Connors. The room fell silent again.
"Guys." Carmy said quietly. "Rose Landry."
"What about her?" Asked Hammy.
"What if—" Carmy pursed his lips, stealing himself. "What if it was never about Rose? What if. Fuck. What if it was about Hollander all along?"
A chill settled into the massive kitchen. No one looked at each other. No one spoke. It could have been a few seconds. Or a few hours. Soft footsteps came from down the hall. Ilya stuffing his phone away, rubbing his hands together.
"Okay, no more calls. Enough of this stupid fortune teller man. Put some music on and—"
He froze as he saw them all huddled around the computer, Shane's face peering back at him from the screen. He frowned slightly.
"What is wrong with all of you? Me leaving pissed you off so much you start Googling Hollander in my own house?"
They all stared at him, no one responding.
Ilya sauntered closer, noticing that the picture was still within the Akinator screen.
"You tried to get Hollander? You choose him over me? What did the questions ask? Is your character most boring hockey player in world? Does your character have weak backhand?"
Still silence. Ilya looked around to his team.
"Okay, someone speak what the fuck is going on. Marly?"
Everyone looked over at Marleau. He pressed his lips together before bursting out.
"It wasn't my idea Carmy started it!"
"Dude what the fuck! Hammer is the one who brought out the stupid fucking game in the first place! Don't put this on me!"
"I didn't say to use it for this!" They all continued talking over each other, gesturing wildly and pointing fingers until Ilya threw his hands up.
"ENOUGH! Someone tell me what happened right now or you will being doing suicides for whole practice tomorrow."
Marleau sighed, sliding his palms down the sides of his face, bracing himself for impact.
"Okay. We just— We know you said you aren't moving for Jane. But we know it's a big part of the reason. And we just… we wanted to know who we were losing you to. But you've been so secretive about her. And you're never quiet about girls. Like ever. So we may have… jumped to some conclusions. Figured she was famous. And then we figured, well maybe if we put what we knew into Akinator it could tell us. But we just kept getting…" he gestured vaguely at the computer screen.
Ilya's brow furrowed, his eyes dancing from the screen, to Marly, to the rest of the boys. The silence permeated through the kitchen. No one dared to move. Or to breathe.
"Ten years." He closed his eyes tightly, unable to look at them.
"Ten fucking years. And this CARTOON GENIE IS WHAT OUTS US?!"
He opened his eyes to look at the five jaws that had hit the floor.
He started laughing. Not a chuckle. A full, doubled-over, wheezing laugh, while he braced his hand on the counter to keep himself at least semi-upright.
"Oh my god." He wiped at his eyes. "Oh my god, you are all so stupid. This is — " He couldn't even finish, breaking into another fit.
"SO STUPID! Evil, evil homophobic game! Outing people with no concern for people's wellbeing!"
"Roz. You can't be— you're not telling us... It's true?" Carmy choked out.
Ilya held onto his stomach, trying to steady himself and breathe through his laughter.
"There is no point in hiding it now. Well, actually. You all must hide it. If you don't want your Captain getting sent back to Russia in handcuffs. But, yes. I am moving to boring Canada for boring Shane Hollander because I am in very boring love with him."
Dumbfounded. Flabbergasted. Shellshocked. No words were sufficient to explain the state in which the Raiders were in right now. They all stared at Ilya, frozen as if they were in a horrible pantomime. Before they all erupted into a cacophony of questions.
"Ten years?! Did you say TEN YEARS?!"
"Hollander? Shane fucking Hollander?"
"There is no way you could bag Shane Hollander! Not even you are that good."
"So wait, are you gay?"
"Does anyone else know?"
"You got Shane Hollander ten years ago and you were out here whoring around with me all this time? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Ilya put his hands up, trying to soothe his team.
"Okay. Okay. One at a time. Yes. We have been seeing each other for almost ten years. I am very charming and very hot. And I found him early. Made sure to ruin everyone else for him, yes? Was just casual for a long time. We became exclusive last summer. No, I'm not gay. He is gay. Very gay. Super gay. I am bisexual. But, not safe to be Russian and bisexual in US, which is part of reason why I am moving. Yes, some people know. Shane's parents know. And Pike somehow put it together even though he is even dumber than all of you."
He took a deep breath. Suddenly becoming very solemn.
"I know this is shock. And I know I hid a lot of things from you. But it is not safe for me. It is not safe for either of our careers. So please. As my brothers. I need to ask you to not share this with anyone else. For me. And for Shane."
They all looked at him, the silence lingering a little too long. Long enough for the smallest twinge of worry and doubt to paint Ilya's face.
"Please." Ilya said, the word coming out small and soft.
Marleau softened first.
"Cap. You don't have to worry about us. Okay? We got your back." He looked around to the boys surrounding him. "Both of your backs."
They all nodded fervently. Finally, Ilya's shoulders relaxed and he nodded too.
"Thank you."
"Are you— are you happy, Cap?" Connors asked.
A wide smile burst across Ilya's face.
"Yes. I am happy. Very happy."
Connors nodded. "Okay then."
"Oh god. Shane is going to lose his shit. I should probably go tell him. He will have to create a ten step plan with back up plans for each step." Ilya smiled fondly. "I am sorry if you receive an NDA from him. But moya lyubov is very thorough."
He turned away, pulling out his phone again.
"And block that fucking website off my computer."