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One million, three hundred thousand mora. That was the total amount of debt Kaveh agreed to pay as he signed a thick document with quivering hands, the same one that left to Lord Sangemah Bay his childhood home and everything else under his name.
With the absurd number of commissions he kept racking up, working well into almost every night and sketching twice as quickly as the average Kshahrewar graduate, he earned ninety thousand mora a month. Of that, ten thousand went into his necessities and supplies, while another twenty thousand went to charity — after all, no matter how down on luck he was, there was certainly someone out there who needed the money more than he did. In total, he paid Dori sixty thousand mora a month.
Naturally, that meant his debt would be fully paid off after twenty-two months, or just under two years. But ninety thousand was just an average of course, since his income varied depending on the projects he was working on — and obstacles like, say, Irminsul burning down also impeded his workflow. Therefore, as of right now, twenty-two months had passed, yet he was still one hundred and ten thousand mora short of being debt-free.
Looking up from his brief calculation, he smoothed his hair back in frustration. It felt greasy under his touch, and the tips were starting to darken against his wishes. But a shower in which he washed his hair would require twelve minutes (he had timed himself), and in twelve minutes he could wrap up the commission he was working on and thus cash in fifteen thousand mora the following day. And then his debt would be down to ninety-five thousand.
If Kaveh worked especially hard this month, he would be able to pay it back with no further delays. But he was already writing and sketching so dedicatedly that his hands felt like machines built for holding charcoal, simply structures made of bone mechanically producing line after line after line.
They were meant to be an artist’s hands, weaving beauty and meaning into designs. Yet now they seemed to be only regurgitating an algorithm for quickly-acquiring-mora.
His wrists creaked like doors when he finally paused for a few seconds, stretching his palms with a grimace.
It was suboptimal that his body, which housed all his abilities, should be so battered with stress that it ached and protested his current lifestyle. His spine, which Kaveh understood as a sort of stairwell connecting the different structures of his system, crackled like cold wood as he straightened his posture, and a persistent ache pooled in the small of his back.
Still, a structure in need of renovations is a structure nonetheless, and his body had no option but to keep respecting its function: to honour the agreements he had made. That included his debt payments and his contracts with clients.
So sleep-deprived that he did not realise he was neglecting his blueprint in favour of an almost nonsensical musing, he imagined that the layers of his skin were like walls, protecting his inner willpower from exterior conditions like the rise and set of the sun outside or the gripping smell of food when Alhaitham was cooking in the kitchen, always luring Kaveh away from his desk.
His thought process was interrupted by a faint knock on the door, followed by its opening.
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham stated.
Kaveh knew that tone, and it made him grimace once more. It was the tone Alhaitham only employed when he wanted to pretend his endless patience had run out, the kind pronounced through gritted teeth. That voice used in that exact way always came into Kaveh’s ears accompanied by slivers of guilt that worsened the ache already throbbing through his body.
“Spare me the lecture,” he mumbled. “I know sleeping is necessary for my physical and mental health, I don’t need you to remind me again. It’s just one more month of this, and then I’ll be able to rest.”
“Rest. Interesting choice of word,” Alhaitham hummed, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe. “I’ve known you for thirteen years, and I am confident in saying I’ve never seen you appropriately rest. I have more than one Sumeran dictionary on the shelf, if you would like to be reminded of the term’s definition.”
Sighing, Kaveh tried to focus on the blueprint laid out before him. Yet his eyes, which some incomprehensibly referred to as the windows to the soul, did not perform their supposed function. A window should be see-through in most cases, yet Kaveh’s lenses were blurry, sticky with grogginess, and he had to squint to make out the numbers his own hand had scribbled.
“Giving me the silent treatment now?” Alhaitham asked, approaching him with a infuriatingly cocky raised eyebrow. “Mature. Very mature.”
“Learned that method from someone I admire,” Kaveh grumbled.
“Oh? Admire?” Alhaitham was behind his chair now, and brushed Kaveh’s hair away with soft fingers before pressing a tender kiss to his temple. “I didn’t expect such flattery. Tell me more about how admirable this unnamed individual is.”
“He is admirably infuriating,” Kaveh bit back, instinctively letting his head lean into the gentle touch. “And he is distracting me from my work.”
Alhaitham hummed, slowly caressing Kaveh’s scalp. “Then he is achieving his goal.”
Oddly, though Alhaitham was constantly chastising and mocking with his words, he was always sweet with his touch. Even when his mouth was criticising every minute component of Kaveh’s philosophy, his hands would card through blonde hair as if they had been made for the caress, and his arms would hold Kaveh’s frame as if there were nothing more precious in the world.
It was a contradiction of the Haravatat scholar stereotype. Those were always strolling through the Akademiya with elaborate love letters in hand to woo a classmate, or reciting poetry in exotic languages to groups of heart-eyed juniors in Razan Garden. Alhaitham, however, used the same lips that kissed Kaveh with fervent affection to taunt and challenge his claims. He seemed to deem his hands more suited to expressing the language of adoration than his tongue.
That was not to say, contrary to public belief, that he could never be a doting partner. At the beginning of their relationship, he had been impressively uncommunicative of his affections, but after weeks of hesitant touches and more than one book about healthy relationships checked out from the House of Daena, he now took to verbally expressing his adoration with irking punctuality — ensuring he said ‘I love you’ at least once a day (“though I’m not sure how you could ever possibly forget…”).
“Do you know what time it is?”
Kaveh ignored the question, trying his best to draw out a straight line.
“Is my genius so sleep deprived he has forgotten how to read a clock?” Alhaitham added, pressing a spot right next to the crook of Kaveh’s neck with careful force. “Your shoulders are exceedingly tense.”
“Maybe because I haven’t slept in twenty-four hours,” Kaveh retorted, frowning in slight pain. “And, to answer your oh-so-relevant question, considering that you just woke up, I estimate that it’s approximately ten past eight in the morning.” He turned his head. “And the clock reads eleven past eight. How very precise of me.”
“Then you have certainly concluded that your boyfriend slept on his own in a lonely bed, arms missing your warmth and nose missing the smell of your hair,” Alhaitham murmured, wistfully brushing his fingers over Kaveh’s braid that had been tightly trapping his strands for too many hours. “And yet you don’t even grace him with a good morning kiss.”
Rolling his eyes, Kaveh tipped his head back with a smile. His chest always felt warm when Alhaitham spoke like that, even knowing full well that it was an undisguised method of almost manipulation. He softly pressed his chapped lips to Alhaitham’s, eyes fluttering shut for a brief moment of peace.
“I really need to finish this, azizam,” he murmured against warm lips, resorting to an affectionate name in an attempt to convince Alhaitham to stand down. “So I can finally finish paying off my debt by the end of the month.”
He felt Alhaitham’s mouth distort into a small pout. “It’s the second all-nighter you pull in a week.”
“I know,” Kaveh replied, smooching his lips before pulling back slightly. “It’s temporary. I promise I’ll take better care of myself once the last payment is done.”
“And will you let me help take care of you?” Alhaitham asked, holding his gaze with unnerving intensity from the short distance between them.
Kaveh sighed, returning to his project. “As if you don’t already.”
Alhaitham’s warm touch receded. “I’ll make breakfast.” And then, punctuating every word, “For the both of us.”
Thankfully, he ended up succeeding in respecting his self-imposed deadline. It wasn’t exactly shocking; even Alhaitham would admit any day that one of Kaveh’s most remarkable abilities was to almost always achieve whatever he put his mind to, no matter how challenging it was. (Though, incomprehensibly to Kaveh, he did not necessarily consider that a quality.)
Stretching his back and feeling every step of his spine crack like a collapsing foundation, Kaveh closed the bathroom door behind himself. He had just personally delivered the last installment of his payment to Dori, then passed by the Bazaar to purchase a bottle of commemorative wine. He and Alhaitham could drink to their heart’s content tonight, floating in an alcoholic haze now propelled by genuine liberty, and then collapse into bed so Kaveh could sleep away his exhaustion.
After turning on the shower knobs, he let his clothes fall to the floor while untying his hair. Yet the view in the mirror made his movements falter.
Not that the sight was unfamiliar, of course — it was, after all, his own body. The stubborn waves of his hair, poised asymmetrically, and the odd-shaped mole near his eyebrow, now combined with his skin cracking slightly from the Sumeru sun, stuck out like glaring flaws from his reflection. He had been so immersed in work these past few weeks that he had forgone even sunscreen, and his face was evidently protesting the carelessness.
His figure, too, had changed. He supposed it would make sense that his body would no longer withstand unhealthy conditions as easily as it had in his Akademiya days, but it was nonetheless uncomfortable to eye his own body and find an undesirable lump of flesh where sunkissed skin used to be. He was not as muscular as he used to be, avoiding fighting to lock himself in his study, and his gut jutted further than it used to — much further, in fact, if he was recalling correctly. He couldn’t properly remember what he used to look like before.
‘Before’ what, exactly? His entire self had been decaying, both physically and spiritually, for too many years to count. Perhaps the changes to his body over the last ten or so years had simply never struck him as suddenly as they did at this moment.
Usually, he would lose weight during an especially time-consuming project. It was odd to find his body fuller instead, but it was simultaneously logical that it should happen when Alhaitham now cooked for him so insistently — he seemed to have learned that loving habit from his grandmother, who always poured her affection into every stew.
Still, the reflection staring at Kaveh made his eyes shy away. Ever since he was young, he had been hiding his every imperfection with endless effort, but no mask was so perfect that it could not crack. Much like the sunburnt face he concealed with makeup, there were flaws that could be hidden from strangers, but still invariably revealed themselves at home.
Did Alhaitham mind the callouses on his hands? Even if Kaveh cradled his beloved’s face with utmost tenderness, his palms were still rough from crude work. Even if he carefully curled his hair with expensive cream he could not afford, it still jutted out in silly angles after he fell asleep atop his desk on never-ending evenings.
The edges of his skin felt too rough. Perhaps it was his own fault; his body held his organs like compartmentalised little rooms, yet he mistreated the walls by ignoring his physiological necessities, like Alhaitham always reminded him. It had never felt like such a pressing matter when he could still achieve every goal even within the constraints of this suffocating structure of flesh and bone, but now the mirror showed him how imperfect his own self truly was, even in the physical realm.
As he pried his eyes off his torso, he remembered the rushing water behind himself, then hurried to step into the shower. How ridiculous of him, to waste a natural resource while pitying himself in front of a mirror. He sniffled to ward away tears, then let water cascade all over his body in an attempt to wash away the imperfections.
After only a couple moments, he heard a knocking sound, and then the door opened.
It wasn’t unusual in the slightest for Alhaitham to come in while he was showering, or vice-versa. In fact, Alhaitham had a habit of soaking in the bathtub at the end of the week, and Kaveh often came in to sit on the floor tiles and ramble in the warm humidity of the bathroom.
Today, however, he quietly wished they didn’t have such easy intimacy, so that he could hide away the embarrassing flaws his body was so glaringly showcasing. At least the glass separating them was clouded with water vapour, so the outline of his figure would be unclear.
As if reading Kaveh’s thoughts while simultaneously determined to spite them, Alhaitham slid the shower door open and leaned his head in.
“Someone missed me,” Kaveh grumbled, busying himself with washing his underwear.
“Your assumption is correct,” Alhaitham replied evenly, reaching for Kaveh’s waist and edging him forwards. “I came to congratulate you with a kiss.”
A sheepish smile coloured Kaveh’s lips, though he tried to bite it back. As he let himself be guided into a hug, he covered his stomach with his arms in a movement that hopefully looked natural. Alhaitham embraced him gently, as if not noticing that the position was wetting his shirt.
“I am officially debt-free,” Kaveh announced, leaning in for a peck on Alhaitham’s lips. “And we’re celebrating with wine tonight.”
“I will allow the indulgence for today,” Alhaitham replied, the corners of his mouth twitching.
“Now get off me,” Kaveh muttered, pushing that warm chest away and turning back to the water. “Gods, you’re all sweaty. And we’re wasting water.”
“Indeed,” Alhaitham replied in an amused tone, peeling off his own clothes. “We should save more water in this household.”
It was foolish to want to hide from Alhaitham of all people, who had seen Kaveh fully nude and in any number of unflattering positions an embarrassing amount of times. Yet he still felt the urge to keep his back turned, so that Alhaitham would not see the tired lines on his face and the growing flesh under his navel.
“Have you washed your hair yet?” Alhaitham asked.
“No.”
Humming, Alhaitham reached for the shampoo, then slid his fingers in between dripping blonde locks. It was almost a ritual consecrated between them, and Alhaitham seemed to respect it with religious fervour. His head would lean forwards in concentration as if it was bowing in prayer, and he gave every curl his dedicated attention until Kaveh’s hair was covered in bubbles. It was soothing for Kaveh too, who felt his neck unconsciously relax as gentle rubs massaged his scalp and washed away the oil previously clinging to his strands. It made him feel like some of his insecurities, too, were evaporating with the shower water.
“You’ll take better care of yourself from now on,” Alhaitham stated, more as a reminder than a suggestion. “I’ll drag you to bed every single night if you’re not in the room by eleven.”
“I’ll never be in bed by eleven so that you’ll lovingly carry me every single night,” Kaveh chastised, chuckling. He tipped his head back to rest it against Alhaitham’s.
“I don’t enjoy the taste of shampoo in my mouth.”
Snorting, Kaveh stepped under the water, but there was also an uncomfortable taste on his tongue from their brief conversation. He looked down at his body, thinking of ‘taking better care of himself.’
“I’ve got to brush up my fighting skills,” he commented, and it came out in a lighthearted tone despite the heaviness the words carried within his mouth. “I haven’t exercised at all in quite a while.”
Alhaitham hummed. “We can train together.” He poked Kaveh’s shoulder. “I’m getting cold. It’s quite rude to monopolise the water.”
“You’re the one invading my shower,” Kaveh exclaimed, jutting his chin up but stepping aside regardless. “And you haven’t done my conditioner.”
“You should exercise your patience.”
“You should exercise your conditioner-applying skills.”
Alhaitham raised an eyebrow, lips twitching as he spread some conditioner onto his fingers. “You couldn’t come up with a wittier response?”
“I’m tired,” Kaveh grumbled.
“Mm, you’ll sleep in tomorrow,” Alhaitham replied, delicately lathering golden locks with cream. “In my arms.”
A toothy beam curled Kaveh’s lips before he could even realise his reaction, shoulders relaxing slightly.
Once that was done, he carefully washed Alhaitham’s hair while they discussed recent policies implemented by the Akademiya. It wasn’t really Kaveh’s first choice of topic right now, especially considering how all he could think of was how delicious it would be to sink onto their sheets tonight, but it served as a means — or an attempt — to distract his mind from what the mirror beyond the blurry glass had shown him several minutes before.
“You’re quiet,” Alhaitham commented as he washed away his conditioner.
Kaveh tried to swallow the lump clinging to his tongue. “I’m pretty tired.”
Raising an eyebrow, Alhaitham pulled Kaveh forwards so they were both under the water, arms tangled together. The position made a few drops slide into Kaveh’s ears uncomfortably, and he had to squint to keep his eyes somewhat open.
“You can tell me why you’re upset,” Alhaitham said firmly.
“It’s nothing,” Kaveh sighed, moving away and shaking his head to force the water out of his ears. In an attempt to leave the interaction behind, he tugged Alhaitham closer and covered his hands in soap before reaching out to wash him.
“I got Mondstadtian wine,” he murmured casually, rubbing the crevices of the green gem encrusted near Alhaitham’s collarbone. It was cool to the touch, and Kaveh tried to focus on the smooth sensation rather than the stirring emotions inside him. “Got a good deal on it.”
“Then the wine isn’t the reason why you’re upset.”
Rolling his eyes, he moved his hands over Alhaitham’s chest and stomach. He could feel the firm muscle under his fingers, and though he usually loved the sensation of Alhaitham’s skin, at this moment it felt like the perfect comparison to his own opposite figure. Guilt instantly prickled his heart at the thought that he would think of his own lover like that.
“You’re beautiful,” he murmured, letting his thumb delicately trace the outline of Alhaitham’s torso. “No one is more beautiful than you.”
Though Alhaitham gently caressed the back of Kaveh’s hand as a response, a minute frown also formed between his eyebrows. Kaveh could practically see into his mind, which was probably whirring with attempts at reasoning why Kaveh would say that at exactly this moment. It wasn’t unusual per se, but it was not in line with their conversation, and Alhaitham was infuriatingly perceptive enough to realise it when he didn’t fully understand why Kaveh’s thoughts had taken a particular direction.
Kaveh almost cursed himself. Had Alhaitham’s obsessive reading habits developed into an impressively skilled reading of people, too?
“I just don’t feel very beautiful right now,” he confessed, as a response to Alhaitham’s wordless question. The words didn’t come out smoothly, but rather had to be forced out as his heart slightly sped up its pace. It was embarrassing to admit, but he still didn’t feel fully comfortable telling Alhaitham about his struggles; each time his flaws became more visible, it felt less and less likely that Alhaitham would still admire him as much as he allegedly did.
“Why?”
Kaveh kept his eyes lowered to the floor tiles, watching as the water swirled into the drain so that he wouldn’t have to look into Alhaitham’s eyes.
“I’m a mess right now,” he mumbled, hugging himself weakly. “I don’t know, I’ve been so stressed, I suppose. It affects my appearance.”
“Is this about your sunburn?” Alhaitham asked, cupping Kaveh’s cheek and gently tilting his head up.
Meeting his gaze made Kaveh feel even more uneasy. “I didn’t realise you’d noticed.”
“Of course I noticed,” Alhaitham stated. “I look at you all the time.”
He reached for the soap, then started lovingly caressing Kaveh’s torso with careful hands. “In case it wasn’t obvious, a sunburn does not change how beautiful you are.”
Kaveh forced his lips into a half-hearted smile, but he had unfortunately never been good enough at faking his emotions, especially in front of Alhaitham. “Yeah.”
Alhaitham’s hands lowered themselves towards his stomach now, and Kaveh discreetly sucked in a breath. Every additional second the movement took seemed to leave him slightly more out of air, and he wondered if Alhaitham was also thinking about the weight he had gained.
“I just used to look better,” he murmured at last, finally returning to washing Alhaitham’s arms so as to occupy his hands. “A few years ago. In many ways.”
Alhaitham hummed, analysing him with those bizarrely attentive eyes of his. Kaveh was already nude, but he felt even more visible under that scrutiny, as if a layer of his skin had also been removed.
“That’s your subjective perception,” Alhaitham replied in a clinical tone, crouching down to wash Kaveh’s legs. “Which I, for instance, disagree with.”
“Come on, I thought you were supposed to be honest.” Kaveh crossed his arms over his chest, both to demonstrate his discontent and to hide away some of his skin. “You can’t possibly say I didn’t look better, say, in my first or second year out of the Akademiya. Look at me now.” He followed his own instruction, eyes dropping to his waist. “I look like I haven’t slept in a month. Which… Well, is true.”
“Yes,” Alhaitham agreed, and his easy acceptance made Kaveh’s heart sink. His hands were still diligently spreading soap over every inch of Kaveh’s legs, ensuring every spot was covered in bubbles. “While I am bothered by your lack of sleep, it’s because I care about your health and wellbeing. Your physical appearance makes no difference.”
“Right,” Kaveh replied dryly. “Like I’d believe that.”
“You think I’d be uglier if I weren’t as muscular?” Alhaitham raised his eyebrow, evidently as a tease, but the words still amplified the guilt Kaveh was already feeling. “Or if my face was sunburnt? Or if I looked exhausted?”
“You know that’s not what I’m saying,” Kaveh mumbled, hugging himself more tightly. His fingers started fiddling with the flesh over his stomach, teeth catching onto his bottom lip.
“I know. I’m trying to point out your logical fallacy.”
“Do you not think I look less… desirable now?” Kaveh asked quietly, uncomfortably poking his waist. “You can be honest with me, Haitham.”
“No, I don't.”
Nodding, Kaveh swallowed. It wasn’t as if he should have expected anything more elaborate, but it wasn’t really comforting at all when Alhaitham spoke so bluntly. There was no reason to not believe him, regardless of how detailed his response was, but something selfish within Kaveh just longed for more affectionate words. For romantic declarations of the kind he read in the occasional novel, or the public displays of affection he saw other couples indulge in at times.
Guilt washed over him like cold water. He had the man he had been pining over for years gently wrapped around him, yet he could never stop longing for more, could he? How exhausting it probably was to be Alhaitham, always having to deal with another insecurity or flaw Kaveh was constantly wallowing in. How bothersome to have to take care of him every time.
How cruel Kaveh was, to expect more of him than he deserved.
“Is there something else?” Alhaitham asked, eyeing him. He was still crouched on the tiles, but his hands paused their gentle movements. From this angle, he resembled his younger self to an impressive degree, eyes twinkling with reflected light and soaked bangs brushed away from his face.
So devastatingly beautiful.
“What do you mean?”
“You seem very uncomfortable,” Alhaitham replied. Without breaking eye contact, he kissed Kaveh’s knee with warm lips. “Can I do anything?”
“Oh.” Kaveh chuckled nervously, shaking his hands. “No, no.”
Glancing away, he started scrubbing his face with a new product he’d had shipped from Inazuma. It would hopefully help his skin return to its regular texture.
“Am I capable of doing anything that would help or comfort you?” Alhaitham rephrased.
Swallowing, Kaveh forced a smile out of his lips. “You do a lot already, Haithoomi. I’m very grateful.”
Alhaitham sighed. “That’s not an answer to my question.”
“You’re too stubborn for your own good,” Kaveh muttered, tilting his head back to let the water wash over his face.
“That’s even less of an answer.”
Kaveh’s heart increased its rate, and he bit his bottom lip. “I guess…” The words were right there in his mouth, trying to leave yet trapped by the closed door of his sealed lips. He despised having this kind of conversation, because it always made him feel each time like even more of a burden to Alhaitham. “Maybe some, uh, reassurance. But don’t worry about it, really.”
Alhaitham frowned as he stood up. “In what sense? I thought I was already reassuring you.”
“You are,” Kaveh rushed to reply, bringing a hand to rest on Alhaitham’s waist. He could feel the firm lines of that abdomen he’d sketched too many times to count under his fingers. This was why he hated asking anything of Alhaitham — the idea that his words could make his boyfriend ever think he was in any way insufficient made the guilt inside his gut twist. “I didn’t mean that… I don’t know. I’m tired.”
“Hm.” Alhaitham scrutinised him with half-narrowed eyes. “You don’t know what you mean? I find that hard to believe. Or are you unsure whether I’ll understand?”
“I’m not trying to insult your intelligence!” Kaveh exclaimed, frowning. “I just…” His shoulders slumped. “I just don’t want to bother you. Even more than I already do.”
“If I’m asking,” Alhaitham started quietly, stepping forwards so their lips were almost touching. “It’s because I want to hear the answer. I can make my own judgments as to how much time and energy I devote to you.”
Foolishly, a couple tears started to prickle Kaveh’s eyes. He didn’t want to expose just how fragile he was, tearing up at a simple statement like that.
“It’s like something new upsets me everyday,” he whispered, looking down in shame. “I imagine you must see I’m sad or angry again and feel irritated at having to deal with it every time.”
Alhaitham tilted Kaveh’s chin up with delicate fingers, eyes latched onto his. “You think so lowly of me.”
Guilt instantly erupted within Kaveh’s chest at the words, and he felt his eyes widen. Of all possible reactions, he had certainly not expected this one, and his heart rate quickened in response.
“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, holding in the tears. “I— I don’t think lowly of you. What? I really don’t.”
“You think I feel irritated at the thought of taking care of you,” Alhaitham murmured, caressing Kaveh’s dry skin with a reverent thumb. His lips were slightly pursed. “When it makes me indescribably happy to be allowed to do it.”
Kaveh blinked dumbly in response, heart faltering at the words. His breath hitched at the touch, mind suddenly emptied of all its thoughts.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” Alhaitham added quietly. “I always want to understand you better.”
After a pause, Kaveh nodded without registering his own movement. When Alhaitham was touching him like that, so softly, with all the focus his eyes could muster directed solely at Kaveh — world be damned, this was their world, confined to the reflective glass walls of a shower box — it was impossible to refuse anything he asked for. If Alhaitham had asked him to touch the sun right then and there, he would have agreed without a second thought.
“I like it when you compliment me,” he tried, choosing his words carefully. He felt like Alhaitham’s irises were keeping him locked into a warm trance whose spell had somehow forced some of his restraint to evaporate. “Like, when I asked if I was undesirable, you said no. But I think it would make me feel better if you answered more… at length. Does that make sense?” He bit down on his lip. “Not that there’s anything wrong with how you already reassure me, obviously.”
He was about to ramble on to explain his thoughts in better detail — that had been an awful response, hadn’t it? He never seemed to express himself well.
“Then, this is my unabridged response. I desire you more than I’ve ever desired anything or anyone else,” Alhaitham stated simply, gently guiding Kaveh back towards the water again. “I love you. You are a collective of all your traits, physical or not, and I am in love with that collective. I don’t think it would be possible to ever stop loving or desiring you.”
Oh. Kaveh hadn’t expected something so sweet to come out of Alhaitham’s mouth so easily, and he simply blinked for a long moment. Water was softly streaming down his body and caressing the skin Alhaitham had tenderly lathered with soap, washing the bubbles away but leaving the perfume behind.
“As long as you’re you, there will never be anyone more gorgeous in my eyes, and that’s a genuine promise. No matter what you look like,” he added in a murmur, carefully taking Kaveh’s hand away from where it was lingering over his navel to press a kiss to its back. “You don’t have to ever worry you’ll be any less ‘desirable’ to me.”
Kaveh stood, mute and dumb, as Alhaitham pumped more soap onto his hand and then gently started massaging Kaveh’s tummy. The movement was soft and smooth, and despite his discomfort, Kaveh found himself slightly relaxing into the touch.
“Do you believe me when I say I’m being honest?” Alhaitham asked, looking into his eyes with that careful and endlessly dazzling perceptiveness in his irises. He cupped the side of Kaveh’s waist with one hand, looking down with a soft smile. “You’re beautiful.”
Stuttering, Kaveh tried to formulate a response, but it was difficult when his mind was blank and Alhaitham was looking at him so softly. At last, he whispered, “It’s unlike you to be so romantic.”
“It seems evident my reassurances up until now haven't been enough, if you’re genuinely considering that I could ever find you of all people undesirable.” Alhaitham kissed him tenderly on the lips. “If you need it said explicitly, I’ll easily comply.”
“Oh.” Kaveh felt a smile grow on his face despite still feeling Alhaitham’s hand on his stomach with a slight sense of unease. His voice lowered a little. “Thank you, eshgham.”
Though Alhaitham’s expression exhibited no reaction, his ears turned slightly pink at the name. They weren’t completely used to easily-offered affection yet, but Kaveh found the awkwardness incredibly endearing.
“We are actually wasting a lot of water,” he murmured with a light blush of his own, caressing Alhaitham’s ear. “Are you done?”
Alhaitham nodded, then turned off the shower knob. They attempted to step out while still tangled in each other’s arms, and almost slipped in the process. Kaveh couldn’t help but snort at their ridiculousness. He stood with a smile as Alhaitham wrapped him in a fluffy towel after meticulously drying his skin.
“I could do that myself, you know,” he muttered with no real bite.
“I do know,” Alhaitham replied, rubbing the towel on his own head to dry his hair. “But if I remember correctly, you agreed to let me take care of you from today on.”
Something warm fluttered in Kaveh’s stomach, though he tried not to let it transpire through his face. “I thought you were doing that already, with how much you’re cooking for me. I’ll explode from the amount of stew I’ve had in a week.”
“Good,” Alhaitham stated, unbothered. “You’re much healthier now. I’m glad to have been a part of that effort.”
Sheepishly, Kaveh smiled then kissed Alhaitham’s cheek. This easy affection had not yet lost its novelty despite their relationship not being exactly new, and Kaveh always felt somewhat flustered seeing Alhaitham so obviously enamoured with him of all people.
This side of him — warm, gentle, vulnerable — was concealed from most. Perhaps only Kaveh was privy to just how human Sumeru’s famed “machine-like genius” truly was when stripped of his reticence and silence. In the streets of the city and within the walls of the Akademiya, he was always furtively observing and analysing others while hiding the mechanisms of his own mind; in the intimacy of their home however, he let his emotions and finicky character show through without fear that they would be misinterpreted.
It almost made Kaveh feel like a good person to see Alhaitham at ease with him.
“Come,” Alhaitham called, pulling gently on his hand. “I’ll show you how beautiful you are.”
Raising an amused eyebrow, Kaveh let himself be guided to their shared bedroom. Alhaitham gestured for him to lie down, and he complied with slight discomfort.
“There you go, angel,” Alhaitham murmured softly, kneeling next to him on the mattress. The pet name made Kaveh’s face burn with delicious heat, and his gaze shied away in an attempt to hide from this excess of vulnerability.
Alhaitham cupped his cheek, eyes roving over every aspect of his features as if trying to memorise them. “The day we met was not the first time I saw you,” he began. “I had obviously already heard of the brilliant Kshahrewar senior who was leaving every professor in awe, and your face was perhaps the most recognisable one in the Akademiya’s student body.”
Face still warm, Kaveh chuckled. “Such flattery.”
“Such adoration,” Alhaitham corrected, leaning in closer and letting his fingers brush over Kaveh’s lips. “This mouth was the first characteristic of yours I noticed. You yelled at the students bothering me in the House of Daena much too passionately for someone who had never exchanged a word with me in his life.”
Kaveh’s mouth, too, seemed to burn at the touch. Was that physiologically possible? “You looked lonely,” he whispered, as if his actions needed an excuse.
“I wasn’t,” Alhaitham replied, hand now tracing the outline of Kaveh’s nose bridge. “I didn’t know company could be so enriching until I started spending time with you.”
“Oh, Haithoomi…”
“Your nostrils were flared.” he continued, factually. “In irritation. I was in awe at how you could care so much about me for no reason at all.”
Kaveh snorted, though his chest was filled with delicious warmth like sunlight was spilling into it through large windows. “Empathy was a foreign concept to you?”
“Your philosophy was a foreign concept to me,” Alhaitham replied, bringing both hands to linger over Kaveh’s temples. “And, as a diligent scholar, I naturally had to seek out a thorough course of study in this newly-presented theory.”
“I knew it,” Kaveh teased, lips curving around the edges. “I’m just a lab rat to you.”
“You may call it that if you like.” Alhaitham shrugged. “Though the ‘just’ certainly does not fit in your sentence.”
His fingertips strolled over Kaveh’s skin as if they were making their way through the corridors of a familiar house, gaze carefully following.
“I used to lean back on my seat when we shared a class, so that your shoulder would be in my field of view during the lecture,” he murmured, massaging the bare skin he was referring to. “It was always covered by that robe you found so hideous of course, but I didn’t have the same qualms as you. Every colour seems to suit you.”
Unexpectedly, Kaveh felt his eyes start to water. Not out of sadness, guilt or insecurity as usual, but out of something… fond. As if Alhaitham’s words and touch served as a miraculous balm to the soothing aches that had been for so long wrecking the beams upholding his body.
Alhaitham’s hands slid down to Kaveh’s chest. “I would call this my favourite pillow, but that would be unfair to your lap,” he murmured, eyes soft with mirth. “Though it is still a close second. And, like every pulse point of yours, it keeps my favourite sound safe.”
Slowly, he lowered his head to rest it over Kaveh’s heart, then fluttered his eyes shut to focus on the beating. As if the position was as natural as lying on his own bed, he melted into the contact, utterly still while Kaveh watched with adoring eyes.
“Thank you for being alive at the same time as me,” Alhaitham murmured.
The soothing vibrations of his voice reverberated through Kaveh’s skin, imbuing him with a mixture of love and slight unease. Alhaitham’s words would sound purely sweet to anyone witnessing the scene, but the two of them knew each other like one knows the configuration of their own home. Like secrets concealed in a locked drawer, small light scars traced the skin of Kaveh’s forearms, always covered whenever he was not in this house, and Alhaitham was the only one who had ever been allowed to see them.
Kaveh had never believed that ending his life would be a good decision, though he had given the idea too much thought at some point in the past. Back before their relationship had shattered like glass, he had rolled up his sleeves on a quiet night in Razan Garden and let Alhaitham see the tangible evidence of his embarrassing emotions for himself— which was much easier than saying them out loud.
Now, they were more of a distant memory than anything else, serving the same purpose as a forgotten wine stain on a wall that no one had ever managed to completely paint over. He didn’t mind them nearly as much as he thought he would, though he could still never let Sumeru City see the cracks in the Light of Kshahrewar’s golden facade.
At home however, he was just Kaveh. Human and flawed.
And Alhaitham seemed not to be disappointed at that prospect in the slightest. His lips gently smooched Kaveh’s forearms in loving, almost grateful touches.
A tear slipped down Kaveh’s cheek, but it felt relieving.
Alhaitham continued the kissing trail past his wrist. “My favourite hands.” he said reverently, intertwining their fingers together. “You are so beautiful, Kaveh.”
Letting out a ragged breath, Kaveh watched as Alhaitham traced his callouses with his lips, then brushed over his unclipped nails with tender fingers.
“I love watching you work,” Alhaitham confessed, looking on at Kaveh’s palm as if reliving a fond memory. “You seem to do magic with them. Your fingers are so careful when creating something, but so clearly jittery with excitement at the same time. And then you sketch like you’re always in a stroke of genius, and the lines come out perfect every time.” He slowly kissed Kaveh’s thumb. “You’re a phenomenon.”
Unable to hold back the overflowing emotions simmering in his chest, Kaveh let out a choked sob. Alhaitham shuffled upto cradle his face, wiping away the stray tears that had wet his cheeks.
“Should I stop?” he asked quietly.
“No,” Kaveh whispered. “I just… I’m just feeling a lot.”
“In a good way?”
Kaveh paused. “Yeah,” he said carefully, and then his lips stretched into a smile. “In a good way,” he added more confidently.
Sniffling, he caressed Alhaitham’s cheek. Words could not describe how much love he felt looking into those softened eyes, or how incredibly lucky he felt to be Alhaitham’s choice. There was no one in Teyvat who compared to Alhaitham — no one Kaveh had ever felt this unquenchable longing for — and yet he had chosen Kaveh to share a home with, to cover with his affection.
“I love you,” Kaveh pronounced, voice oddly clear. It was the most honest sentence he’d expressed in many days. “More than I ever thought was possible.”
Alhaitham’s eyes seemed to somehow soften even further, and his long eyelashes fluttered with slow blinks. He looked vulnerable like this, especially under the warm light of their bedroom.
“I feel the same,” he whispered into the space between their lips. Kaveh had never been so bothered by empty space in his life, and an urge to eliminate it instantly took over his gut. He and Alhaitham were meant to be slotted together, body and mind, and if he spent a moment longer without the touch of that familiar yet still addictive mouth, all his warmth would dissipate.
Surrendering his instincts, he cradled Alhaitham’s cheeks like an artist deliberately positioning his muse, then leaned forwards to engulf his lips. That was what it was: engulfing. He wanted to taste and feel and swallow Alhaitham’s very essence, to still have it with him even when they pulled apart.
The reciprocated passion of the kiss did not last longer than a few seconds, but that did not take from its fervour. ‘I love you,’ too, only has eight letters.
An extremely thin sliver of saliva joined their lips, and though Kaveh usually felt disgusted by the sight, it seemed to him now like a tether connecting the two of them, as if the implications of their kiss were still physically manifested despite the moment having ended.
“Let me continue,” Alhaitham murmured gently, moving away. “I’m not done with my reassurances. I don’t want your lower body to feel neglected.”
Kaveh laughed — a genuine laugh, though the statement really hadn’t been that amusing — and let Alhaitham sit between his legs.
“So you’re not happy with this.” he said, placing two warm hands over Kaveh’s stomach. “I suppose your mind has always worked in mysterious ways to me.”
Snorting, Kaveh rolled his eyes. “You expected me to be happy I gained weight?”
“I didn’t expect anything. I’m simply saying this outlook is unfamiliar to me,” Alhaitham replied bluntly, gently poking Kaveh’s bellybutton. “When I noticed my cooking efforts were paying off, I was overjoyed.”
Kaveh blinked, unsure of how to react as Alhaitham lowered his face to lie on his tummy. An almost childlike smile took over Alhaitham's usually placid features, and warmth seeped into Kaveh’s skin.
“I can hear the little sounds your organs are making,” he murmured, eyes crinkling. “It’s adorable.”
The words filled Kaveh with such overwhelming affection that he felt the urge to shower Alhaitham’s entire body with kisses. “You’re adorable,” he whispered back.
Slowly, as if there were no clock ticking elsewhere in the house, Alhaitham turned to kiss Kaveh’s navel. It was a gentle kiss that turned deeper as the moments passed, tender and long in its purposeful reverence. The kiss, so sweet that it melted like sugar right past the walls of Kaveh’s skin, dissipated into sugar and joined the flowing corridors of Kaveh’s blood vessels pumping sheepishly underneath. They received the sweetness like an unexpected gift that’s kept as a prized possession in the center of an exposed shelf.
“Everything about you is desirable,” Alhaitham stated, looking up with dilated pupils. He looked so beautiful from this angle that Kaveh’s hands ached to reach for his watercolour set. “You don’t understand the extent of my desire for you.”
“I doubt it reaches the extent of my desire for you,” Kaveh replied quietly, though he was starting to doubt his own words. “Is it normal to love someone this much?”
“I don’t know,” Alhaitham admitted, circling Kaveh’s ring finger with his own. “But if so, maybe the world really is as beautiful as you seem to think.”
A smile cracked Kaveh’s lips open, and he made no attempt to hide it this time. “And you got to that conclusion by looking at me?”
“You hold many more answers than you might think,” Alhaitham replied, outstretching his arm to gently tap Kaveh’s forehead. “I would know. I’ve been paying close attention to you for half of my life.”
“A lab rat,” Kaveh mused, playing with Alhaitham’s bangs.
“An adorable one,” Alhaitham replied, before withdrawing his hands. As promised, he turned his attention to Kaveh’s legs.
“I hadn’t seen much of these until after we confessed our feelings,” he murmured, cupping Kaveh’s knee like one could a cheek. “I felt so lucky to be allowed to see you this intimately.”
Kaveh swallowed another wave of emotion. If Alhaitham continued to talk like this, he’d be weeping by dinner time.
“And I still feel lucky, every time I see you like this again,” he added, leaving a kiss on each one of Kaveh’s thighs. “I hope I never take for granted just how lucky I am that an angel allows me to love him.”
“Stop,” Kaveh choked out, hiding the scorching red of his face under flailing hands. “I’m not— You—” He let out an unintelligible sound.
“Not an angel?” Alhaitham asked, shuffling. Kaveh could hear his smile. “It’s true that you probably insult me much too often to qualify. Though I would argue that your absurd degree of kindness and helpfulness, coupled with your beauty, make you up as what is colloquially understood as an angel.”
“What the fuck are you even saying right now?” Kaveh protested weakly, burying his face in the pillow. His lips were starting to ache from how wide his smile was. “It’s weird to hear you say this kind of thing.”
“I thought I was simply complying with your request for compliments,” Alhaitham replied, tone evidently amused. “Should I stop?”
Kaveh peeked at him with a glare, then mumbled half-heartedly, “no.”
“Did you change your position on purpose, hayati?” Alhaitham murmured, stressing the name just to tease Kaveh further. What an infuriating man. “From this angle, I can show your back it’s deserved attention.”
Slowly, Alhaitham’s warm fingertips climbed over Kaveh’s spine, nestling themselves in the warm crook between two ridges.
“My favourite aesthetic decision of yours is your everyday shirt,” he said. “I can always peek at your back.”
“Oh, come on,” Kaveh muttered. “It’s just a tiny gap.”
“A beautiful tiny gap,” Alhaitham corrected, showering his shoulder blades with kisses. “Every bit of skin of yours is beautiful.”
Kaveh did not reply this time. His lungs were too filled with Alhaitham’s smell imbued in the pillow to provide him with the air to retort.
Gradually, Alhaitham’s hands moved to gently caress over Kaveh’s backside. Though he kissed the skin there, just as he had everywhere else, he thankfully did not torment Kaveh with another taunt.
“Your legs carry you everywhere,” he said softly, caressing Kaveh’s ankle. “I’m grateful to them, too.”
Inhaling in an attempt at building courage, Kaveh parted his lips for a mumble. “I’m grateful that they carry me closer to you.”
Alhaitham’s hand stilled, and so did Kaveh’s heartbeat in response. Then, he shuffled up to look into Kaveh’s eyes with mortifying intensity, and kissed him.
The kiss was slow and careful. It felt laced with gratefulness, from both lips involved in the embrace.
“I hope you know I feel all of this all the time, regardless of whether I say it or not,” Alhaitham whispered, eyes overtaken by an unfamiliar sort of vulnerability. “All the time, my love.”
There was no response Kaveh could conjure to that, so he kissed Alhaitham again, and again, just to feel him do it back.
“I love you so much,” he managed with a shaky voice, trying to intake all of Alhaitham’s face with his eyes. “I’m sorry I’m not good at showing it either. I feel it all the time too.”
Alhaitham’s hands replied for him, reverently holding Kaveh’s nude body as closely as possible. His fingers brushed the skin as if it were their first and only time being allowed the movement, as if they wanted to dip inside Kaveh and know him fully, entirely, completely — flaws and all.
With clumsy hands, Kaveh tried to reciprocate the gesture, though it didn’t come as easily to him. His fingers were used to sketching Alhaitham’s side profile from afar, or to tracing the curve of his nose when he was asleep. Kaveh’s love, though warm and dizzying where it flowed through his veins, was concealed under layers of thick skin and callouses laced with guilt. His affections were always hidden by the lack of certainty of whether they would be wanted, or whether he even knew how to love in a way that mattered.
Every one of his relationships seemed to end up strangled by his own hands. But Alhaitham — stubborn, patient, infuriating Alhaitham — seemed to refuse to leave regardless.
Kaveh’s hands tried to pour the adoration they usually reserved for his private sketchbook onto the canvas of Alhaitham’s skin, pressing reverently on the soft skin of his back and tracing the outlines of his bones. He wanted to commit the sensation to memory.
“I’ll learn to be good at loving you,” he promised under his breath, hands framing Alhaitham’s chest with careful tenderness. “I’ll do my best.”
It made Alhaitham smile softly, beautifully. His eyes almost glittered, as if reflecting the hope in Kaveh’s own.
And then, his expression faltered ever so slightly.
“Is something wrong, azizam?” Kaveh asked, frowning as he cupped Alhaitham’s cheeks.
“Not at all,” Alhaitham replied, and his voice was oddly strained. Kaveh felt unease grip his chest at that tone, which sounded unfamiliar coming from Alhaitham’s tone. “I just… For a long time, I thought you would never be able to love me like this.”
The words etched a crack in Kaveh’s ears that then deepened as it made its way down to his chest, breaking his ribcage and finding the beating muscle of his heart. Guilt rubbed itself like salt onto the fresh wound, increasing its ache tenfold.
“When you told me you regretted befriending me,” Alhaitham continued quietly, and this was perhaps the most vulnerable he had ever been with Kaveh. “I felt like maybe I wasn’t suited for any kind of companionship. Because I had never felt that connection to anyone, but apparently I had managed to fuck it up.”
“It wasn’t just your fault,” Kaveh instantly replied, frowning in concern. The guilt pulsed through his body. “And I didn’t mean what I said. I was just in the heat of the moment, and I… Really, Haitham, you’re the luckiest thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Alhaitham’s lips curled, and he gently caressed Kaveh’s hair. “I feel the same. And I know it wasn't just my fault. I just felt… alone, for a long time. I didn’t think, after that, that you would ever be able to forgive me, much less fall in love with me.”
Kaveh felt a tear esape the side of his eye. “Falling in love with you was so easy, Haithoomi.”
Alhaitham brought him into a tighter embrace. It wasn’t as gentle as the others, but rather passionate, as if Alhaitham was proving to his arms that Kaveh really was right there.
“You didn’t let me finish,” Alhaitham murmured, looking more composed now. “I haven’t show your feet my appreciation yet.”
The guilt within Kaveh started to dissipate, and he couldn’t help but laugh. “Gross.”
“No part of you is gross,” Alhaitham clipped back. “Except for your cooking when you decide to invent something novel and soup-like.”
“Hey!” Kaveh exclaimed, playfully slapping his shoulder. “I like to exercise my creativity.”
Alhaitham hummed, nudging his feet against Kaveh’s. “I love your feet just as much as any other part of you, and so I will kiss them too. They keep you standing.”
Kaveh softly caressed the nape of Alhaitham’s neck. “I never thought you could be so romantic.”
“I’m giving it a try for you,” he replied. “I keep saying it, over and over, and I hope you can learn to believe me. I want to take care of you.”
And then tears were streaming down Kaveh’s face again, and he yanked Alhaitham forwards into a crushing hug.
“I spent years desiring you more than anything, craving your eyes on me again, your smile caused by something I did,” Alhaitham said into the crook of his neck. He guided Kaveh’s hand to rest on his heart. “If you ever doubt how much I love you, simply ask. I’ll tell you the same thing every time. I will say it forever if you need me to.”
Kaveh’s chest was shaking a little now, draining itself of its worries in the form of tears and wet exhales. He was so comfortable in this loving embrace, so safe in a way one can only feel when at home. For once, the soft folds of his tummy where they were pressed against Alhaitham felt simply warm, and nothing else.
They stayed in that position for several long minutes that neither bothered to count, simply taking in each other’s scent and breathing together. Kaveh’s eyelids started to flutter shut.
“I’ll make fatteh to go with your wine,” Alhaitham murmured, pressing soothing circles onto Kaveh’s shoulder blades as he leaned back. “Or are you craving something specific?”
“Fatteh sounds perfect,” Kaveh mumbled amid sniffles.
He almost added, I don’t deserve you, but then prevented his tongue from expressing it in time. For the first time, he felt like he genuinely wanted to heed Alhaitham’s wish for him to feel deserving of all this love.
“I want to be with you forever,” hemurmured instead.
“And I you,” Alhaitham whispered softly, before pressing a kiss to the mole near Kaveh’s eyebrow. “Let's get dressed? It's getting late.”
Kaveh didn’t know, but as Alhaitham replied, he was thinking of the custom-made ring he kept tucked in the bottom drawer of his nightstand — just an arm’s reach away.
“Five more minutes?” Kaveh asked, blinking. “I love cuddling you too much.”