Chapter Text
The first time he said it, Rachel had laughed, thinking it was a joke.
The second time, she was laughing before he said it and immediately stopped.
Joey shut his eyes and bit his lower lip. A few seconds ago, they had been having so much fun, but now Joey had ruined it. After Ross had stopped by to pick up Emma for that day, Rachel and Joey had gone to the park and engaged in a playful snowball fight. They had laid on the ground, giggling and exhausted, when Joey had become entranced with her beautiful laughter, windswept hair, happy gleam in her eyes, and lightly flushed cheeks. The words had slipped out unintentionally.
Rachel's soft voice broke through his thoughts. "Still?"
Joey opened his eyes to glance at her briefly before he stared down at his hands. He couldn't look at Rachel when he told her this. He was afraid he would see the same pity he had seen almost a year ago in that restaurant, and he felt ashamed of himself. Joey knew he wasn't supposed to feel this way about her, but he couldn't help it. "I'm so sorry, Rach."
He heard shuffling, indicating that she sat up. "Joey, please, God, don't be sorry about that." He gazed up at her and couldn't quite read her expression, but he was at least relieved to see that she didn't look annoyed or disgusted like his other friends had when he had mentioned how he felt when they were in the waiting room while she gave birth to Emma. They had almost seemed irritated that he wasn't over her yet. She laid her mitten-covered hand gently over his. "Just don't."
Joey sat up, trying to ignore how the simple touch of her hand made his heart race. He knew she meant it only as a gesture of friendship, which only highlighted how incredible she was to show him so much support. "But doesn't this make you uncomfortable?"
Rachel's answer surprised Joey. "Not really." She nose scrunched in the adorable way it did when she was trying to concentrate on something. "I'm just more confused than anything else."
"About what?" Joey didn't exactly want to talk about his feelings, but he would if Rachel asked.
"I don't know. I just thought that you got over me. When I thought you proposed to me, I thought I was wrong, but then it turned out to be a misunderstanding."
Joey shook his head. "Please, Rach, like I would really propose to you with another guy's ring."
Rachel drew in a sharp breath and Joey looked at her shocked expression. Fuck, he had done it again. He had just been recalling the incident and his own frustration with how Ross been so angry with him, as if Joey had intentionally proposed to Rachel with Ross's grandmother's wedding ring. He had more class than that.
But the truth was, if it was ever possible for Rachel to feel the same way, Joey would propose to her, which he had accidentally revealed. Joey laughed weakly. "Can we just pretend I didn't say that and move on?"
"I, uh, yeah, okay." Rachel sounded kind of breathless, so Joey wasn't sure if she would actually forget it anytime soon. She cleared her throat. "But you've dated other women since then. And last week, you did that weird plan with Phoebe to try to get Ross and me back together again."
Ross and Rachel had chased down Phoebe and Joey, and Joey had immediately confessed the reasons behind their scheming. Rachel's glare was intimidating, and he could never keep secrets for long. It was a wonder he had kept his feelings hidden for months, but Joey had a stronger reason to keep that secret than any other.
"I figured you guys were gonna get back together someday. Everybody believes you will. And really, I just want you to be happy."
Rachel sighed and glanced over to a nearby bench. "I have a feeling this is gonna take a while. You want to go sit on that bench over there?"
"Sure." Joey followed Rachel as she stood and walked over to the park bench. Joey sat down fairly close to her, uncertain if he should sit further away after accidentally saying he was still in love with her, but Rachel didn't seem uncomfortable with their proximity.
She took a deep breath before she spoke. "Okay, first of all, Ross and I aren't getting back together. I don't want to get back with him."
Joey shook his head. "Rach, I know you guys had some kind of big fight, but--"
"I'm not mad at him," Rachel said, and strangely enough, she sounded resigned rather than angry. He glanced over to see her staring thoughtfully into the distance. "I'm tired. That argument we had, it's just the same old fight we've had for years. I think it would be better for me and Ross to quit trying to force things to work between us."
Joey had seen Ross talk about seeing other people calmly last week, but he always did that. Then, of course, he acted jealous when Rachel showed interest in someone else. "Are you sure you don't still feel something for him?"
Rachel shrugged. "Maybe? After all this time, I really don't know. And I'm tired of trying to find out." She leaned her head against the back of the bench. "There's so much bitter history between me and Ross. I think it might have killed whatever spark we had."
Joey remembered how Phoebe had said that Ross, Rachel, and Emma should be a family. That argument had convinced him to help her with her plan more than anything else. Joey wanted what was best for Emma, and he hated the idea of breaking up a family. "But what about Emma?"
Rachel looked down at her hands. She seemed guilty, and Joey felt terrible that he had made her feel that way. "Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. You're a great mom." Rachel smiled up at him gratefully. "It's just... Emma is why you moved in with Ross in the first place."
"There was a part of me that wanted us to be together for her, but I don't think that's gonna work out," Rachel replied. "And Ross and I can't be together if we're fighting all the time. I remember how my parents barely talked to each other for years before they got divorced, and I can't put my daughter through that."
Everything Rachel said made sense, but there was a part of Joey that felt selfish for agreeing with her. He had suppressed any doubts he had about "Ross and Rachel" since he knew his own perspective on the situation was skewed. Deep down, he still wanted to be with Rachel, even if he knew that was impossible.
Rachel chuckled, and Joey glanced at her curiously. "And then there's the fact that I can't even feel comfortable living with him." She grinned wryly at Joey. "It doesn't exactly spell 'meant to be,' does it?"
Joey shrugged. "I guess not." He frowned, recalling how they got to this point. "Speaking of which, I guess now you'll want to move in with Pheebs or something." He would miss living with her. He had loved living with her before he developed these feelings, but since then he took pleasure in just seeing her everyday, soaking in her presence in his life. It was worth the pain of knowing he would never be her boyfriend if he got to be her roommate and best friend. He didn't want to lose that.
"What are you talking about?"
He fidgeted, dreading the fact that he had to say it again. "I still love you. Doesn't that make you feel weird?"
"Not, not bad weird." She seemed surprised by what she was saying. "It's just kind of unexpected that you would still have feelings for me after so long."
He made his tone sound flirtatious and teasing despite the truth behind what he was saying. "You're a hard woman to get over, Rachel."
She giggled and blushed. Rachel had never reacted to his flirting that way before, but then again, it hadn't come from a place of sincere emotion before. It gave Joey a little bit of hope, but he tried to stomp that down to focus on his next statement, which was serious. "I promise, I'm not going to pressure you about it or anything, and I'll try to act as normal as possible. I just want to be your friend, Rach."
"I know, and I appreciate that. That's why I still feel okay living with you after everything you said." Rachel swallowed heavily. "To be honest, I'd really love to keep living with you. Assuming you still want to live with me."
"Are you kidding me, Rach? I'm crazy about you. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and we always have so much fun together. I love just getting to be around you." Joey paused, realizing that he had let his mouth run free again, and watched Rachel's eyes go wide as saucers. She had started blushing again, and her mouth was parted slightly. Joey really wanted to kiss her, but instead he shifted uncomfortably. "I did it again, didn't I?"
"You did, but I didn't mind." Rachel smiled. "I never had a guy gush about me like that before. It was kind of flattering."
"Well, let me know anytime you need an ego boost. Because trust me, I'm always full of sappy thoughts about you."
Rachel laughed, standing up from the bench. "I guess I'll have to take you up on that, then. Come on, let's go home."
As Joey walked home with Rachel, he noticed that she seemed to be processing their conversation. He knew she had a lot to think about with Joey's revelation and her own conclusions about her and Ross, so he didn't say anything. He tried not to get his hopes up, but Rachel had reacted very differently than he would have expected. She actually seemed to like the idea of him having feelings for her, and it almost seemed like she was responding with more than gratitude or surprise. In the middle of their stroll, Rachel shivered, and Joey gave her his coat, placing it over her shoulders. She looked up at him questioningly. He supposed that kind of gesture did have a different significance now, but Rachel didn't give the coat back. In fact, she snuggled into it. When Rachel wasn't looking at him, Joey beamed at what she had done with his coat.
When they entered their apartment building, Joey tugged Rachel's arm lightly when a new concern popped up in his mind. "What is it?" she asked.
"Can you not tell Ross about our conversation today? I kind of lied and told him I was over you right after you moved back in."
"Why did you do that?"
"I just wanted him to feel okay with you living with me again. And I know you might want to talk about this with Monica or whatever, but I really don't want this to get back to Ross." Joey ran his hands through his hair, frustrated at himself. "I wasn't planning to ever tell you, 'til I screwed that up. If Ross finds out, he's gonna be pissed."
Rachel set her jaw, staring angrily at something, but at least not at him. "It's really none of his business, anyway. I'll try to make sure it doesn't get back to him."
He felt at least a little of the burden lift from his shoulders. "Thanks. I'm sorry I did this to you, Rach."
She shook her head. "It's not your fault." She grabbed his arm and pulled him to the stairwell. "You've had a tough day. Let's get the Joey special."
"Two pizzas?" Joey grinned at the prospect of ordering in pizza with Rachel.
"That's right. And we'll watch whatever you want on TV, as long as it's not porn."
Joey laughed at her caveat, feeling carefree despite the complications in his life. He still longed to be with Rachel in a way he couldn't, but right now, he felt content.
"You've got yourself a deal."