Work Text:
Those who know
Members:
Peter-man (Peter)
Guy in the chair (Ned)
dark dahlia (MJ)
dark dahlia: peter WHAT THE F***
Guy in the chair: ?what? happened?
dark dahlia: do you like live in another dimension
dark dahlia has shared one attachment
[Spider-Man Shot Four Times During Gang Encounter
Our friendly neighbourhood superhero, Spider-Man, has been shot 4 times near the chest by a local gang. Witnesses report seeing him flee the scene in distress, presumably towards the Avengers’ tower, where he can be monitored and healed under the Avengers’ personal medical team.
Click here to learn more]
Guy in the chair: PETER?????????????
dark dahlia: actually spidermans flash, not peter
Guy in the chair: ….
Guy in the chair: your boyfriend is currently dying and thats what your saying
dark dahlia: its still terrifying though
dark dahlia: its also how i cope no judging or it will be my knife to your neck
Guy in the chair: SHEESH OKAY NO NEED FOR THAT
Guy in the chair: @Peter-man, @Peter-man
A while later (because the author just cant):
Peter-man: …hi?
dark dahlia: PETER BENJAMIN PARKER
Peter-man: yees?
Guy in the chair: HOW TF ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?
dark dahlia: great choice of questioning sir, thatll help so much
Peter-man: yk, i heal fast? Why r u guys so surprised
Peter-man: im actually good and ok, before you bombard me with questions
dark dahlia: YOU F***ING GOT SHOT 4 TIMES?
Peter-man: only F O U R guys
Peter-man: anyhow shouldnt you guys be used to it?
Guy in the chair: used to our bsf getting shot? WHO DO YOU THINK WE ARE, TONY STARK?
dark dahlia: *bf and bsf
Guy in the chair: PRIORITIES MJ ☠️
Peter-man: nah, tony was panicking more than you guys, he genuinely thought i was gonna die lol
Guy in the chair: AND THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING
Guy in the chair: DO NOT LOL AT UR TRAUMA
Guy in the chair: where r u rn?
Peter-man: heading home cho got the bullets out fast fast like lightning mcqueen
dark dahlia: did she give you pain meds cause you seem high
Peter-man: hIGHER THAN TONY’S EGO
Guy in the chair: LMAOO peter with no filter be like:
Peter-man: IVE UNLOCKED MY FINAL FORM
dark dahlia: final form of being an idiot!
dark dahlia: no texting and swinging while high
Peter-man: : ( MJJJJJJ
Peter-man: therr im walking as peter now bcuz randos were yelling at me to “go home and rest” IM ON MY WAY OKAY?
Guy in the chair: well thank god for them
Peter-man: anyways ned i needa tell you smtg
Guy in the chair: what.
Peter-man: I CAN HEAR COLOURS
Guy in the chair: yup cant we all -_-
Peter-man: i think this experience has unlocked a new spider-sense
dark dahlia: yeah the spider sense of friends needing therapy?
dark dahlia: plus you. mostly you actually
Peter-man: I CAN ALSO SENSE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE
dark dahlia: congrats, youve learned what empathy is
Guy in the chair: also known as having normal friends but hey we’re anything but normal
Peter-man: igtg now approaching my block bye bye!
dark dahlia: go and eat.
dark dahlia: and sleep.
dark dahlia: and brush.
dark dahlia: your teeth
Guy in the chair: that rhymed 😯
Peter-man: stop talking like tonyyyy
dark dahlia: im nothing like tony stark 😒
Peter-man: well you are and now I GOTTA GO BYE BYE
Guy in the chair: soooooooooooooooooo
dark dahlia: …he’ll be fine right
Guy in the chair: he probably will be because i know him better than you
dark dahlia: well harsh
dark dahlia: yea i cant be talking
dark dahlia: time to draw people in crisis bye!
Guy in the chair: bye…
I will avenge you (unfortunately)
Members:
Iron dad (Tony Stark/Iron Man)
Petey (Peter Parker/Spider-Man)
hulkingoveryou (Bruce Banner/The Hulk)
Not Cap’n (Steve Rogers/Captain America)
canandwillkillyou (Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow)
Vibranium arm dude (Bucky Barnes/ Winter Soldier)
The guy in your vents (Clint Barton/Hawkeye)
Thor is better (Thor)
Pepp (Pepper Potts)
Morgie (Morgan Stark)
Iron dad: Peter.
Iron dad: please tell me you got home safe
Petey: yea i did! why is everyone so WORRIED
Iron dad: oh I WONDER
Not Cap’n: Because you just got shot four times and just went through extensive surgery for it?
Petey: ….
Not Cap’n: hey who changed my name? We’ll be having WORDS later WORDS
Morgie: I did! While you were asleep
Not Cap’n: …I’ll keep it…
Morgie: thx uncle stevie 🥰
Pepp: thank goodness youre okay peter! Tell me if you need anything, alright sweetie?
Petey: yes maam will do maam 🫡
Iron dad: wow no respect for the actual billionaire
Petey: ook.. I CAN HEAR COLOURS THOUGH
Iron dad: friday, remind me to yell at cho for the meds tomorrow
Petey: no! its a new spider sense!
hulkingoveryou: technically this could be possible
hulkingoveryou: cause with him you never know 🤷
Petey: Bruce. Not now. Im trying to de-escalate the situation with the high and injured teenager.
hulkingoveryou: eh fair
The guy in your vents: you sound like peter is an alien-level threat
Iron dad: because he is hes giving me GREY HAIRS
Petey: BCUZ I AM AN ALIEN LEVEL THREAT BE AFRAID OF ME MWHAHAHAH
hulkingoveryou: lets… just… ignore… that…
Petey: how long have ya been there clint?
Petey: you need like a bell like one of those cows so i can detect you even though i have big hearing
The guy in your vents: …this guy needs therapy
hulkingoveryou: dont we all
Iron dad: anyways
Iron dad: ive fought aliens, robots and even f***ing GODS.
Iron dad: somehow peter is worse.
Pepp: Language, tony! Youre SIX year old daughter is here!
Iron dad: she hears me swear all the time!
Petey: me too…
Morgie: yeah and daddy’s such a b**** about it too
Pepp: MORGAN HOWARD STARK
Morgie: sorry mommy
Morgie: not sorry for my opinion though
Iron dad: the confidence comes from me.
Pepp: you mean the disrespect. SHES SIX AND ALREADY ACTING LIKE THIS
Petey: honestly i agree with morgie-bear
Morgie: thx petey!
Iron dad: PETER
Petey: i respectfully agree with her then
Iron dad: THAT DIDNT MAKE IT BETTER
Not Cap’n: dont you have a separate stark groupchat for this sorta thing?
Not Cap’n: Im getting a headache
Pepp: sorry we annoyed you, captain
Not Cap’n: its fine
Thor is better: Humans strange.
Not Cap’n: we know, thor, we know.
The infamous Starks
Members:
Dad (Tony Stark)
Mom (Pepper Potts)
Morgie-bear (Morgan Stark)
underoos (Peter Parker)
Mom: anyways peter how do you feel?
underoos: im fine, minor aches is all
Dad: peter how much is minor on a scale of 1-10?
underoos: …six
Morgie-bear: like my age?
underoos: yeah, morgie, like ur age
Dad: let the poor kid rest now
Dad: go to sleep peter.
underoos: nooooo pleaseeee its only EIGHTTTTT
Mom: peter, please go to sleep im really worried
underoos: yup ok buh bye fam luv u all
Mom: love you too, underoo <3
Dad: why do i hold no authority in this family 🤦
AcaDec Team *winner winner chicken dinner*
Will ditch you last minute™ (Peter Parker)
What’s google? me? (Ned Leeds)
I am and will judge you (MJ)
Gone in a Flash (Eugene ‘Flash’ Thompson)
Betty bye bye (Betty Brant)
Cinderss (Cindy Moon)
Sally sells seashells.. (Sally Avril)
Gone in a Flash: @Will ditch you last minute™
Gone in a Flash: whyd you all outvote me to name him penis
Gone in a Flash: though that is funny
Gone in a Flash: since you werent at school tday, penis, lemme give you a recap
Gone in a Flash: its time for your lies to finally be exposed
Gone in a Flash: we’re going to stark tower tmr as a field trip and its mandatory
Gone in a Flash: and apparently, may has signed your permission form online
Will ditch you last minute™ : WHAT THE F***?