Chapter Text
It all happened so quickly. One minute Peter was fighting, the next he was standing in front of Jean. Telling her to go inside his mind, where he knows May will be waiting. Telling her that he’s sorry for her loss, and understands her – Out of all people, he could understand her the most. She knew that he was there for her. That May would have loved her.
The pieces had finally connected, fallen into place, and Peter and Jean were finally on the same page. They could get her out of this, he could fix the mistake he had made. What could Peter blame her for, if he would have done the same things in her place?
Loss was heavy on his heart despite his young age– his parents, Uncle Ben, May, Tony, Ned, MJ. Everyone. He had lost all of them in death or memory. He couldn’t blame Jean for the lengths she took to find Sarah, when he was the one who chose to erase his very existence to keep the only remaining people he loved safe.
What would anyone do for those they love but had lost, if they had the ability?
But as quickly as it happened, it ended so soon.
Peter could feel the bullet coming. And he realizes it doesn't matter to him, whether he lives or dies, whether he makes it out of this. What point is there left if there’s no one in this world that loves him? You can’t love someone you don’t remember. He had seen that, he had heard it straight from MJ. Words he can’t forget, though he can only blame himself.
I don’t love you. I don’t even know you.
Peter’s tired of being alone. Nobody knows him, not truly. He hides behind his mask and the closest he has to a friend is Frank. Frank, who’s never seen Peter without the mask, who makes fun of him when he drinks coffee only once he’s lifted his mask just enough to let the cup touch his lips. Or DeWolff with their phone calls, their small partnership in crime.
Just as he wished, Peter is alone, with no one around to remember him. Be it the self-isolation, or the fear of letting people in just for them to get hurt, he’s perfected the art of surviving with only himself. Letting people get a little close, but never close enough. Sometimes it feels like drowning, with his head barely just above the water. Drowning, but surviving. But just like when you’re trying to keep your head afloat, exhaustion often finds its way to the surface. Sinking, sinking, further and further, until your head finds itself underwater.
Peter’s underwater with not enough air in his lungs. He gives in.
His body reacts accordingly. It’s like muscle memory, and he shields Jean with his body, turning her away from danger. He’s been told before that he’s a little too self-sacrificing, that he doesn’t think about some things before he does this. This is one of those times.
It feels easy, like breathing, protecting Jean. He has felt it before in the streets of New York, every day. He’s felt it before trying to protect his friends. Right now is no different.
But unlike before, he has nothing to lose now.
He knows Jean will be able to escape, to protect herself. Her powers were unlike anything Peter’s ever seen before. She’ll be able to do extraordinary things, if she puts her heart and mind into it.
MJ already told him that she doesn’t love him. She’ll be happy with her boyfriend and her simple life without the danger that Peter could put her in.
Ned will be okay. He’s been okay without Peter, with his life at MIT and MJ with him. This wouldn’t change a thing. After all, he only knows Spider-Man, not Peter Parker. Peter wasn’t even a thought in his head, or a memory to reminisce.
Frank barely even liked him, so it’s not like it matters. He’ll be okay.
May is dead. Tony is dead. Ben is dead.
New York would survive. The NYPD was just fine at handling crime before him, and they’ll be able to do it again.
Peter Parker knows he has nothing. And suddenly, it doesn’t hurt anymore. The pain that has come with being forgotten, the years spent with only himself, watching those he loves living perfectly fine without him, all gone. This was his last sacrifice. After everything, he can die knowing he’s protecting one last person. His friends would be okay, never truly remembering Peter Parker. After this, Jean would be the only one left in the world with memories of Peter. Jean knows some, only because she’s stepped foot in his mind. MJ knows the idea of him, and Ned knows nothing. They can be happy, and Peter will never have to put them in danger if he’s no longer around.
As soon as the bullet hit his body, it felt light. Peter tells Jean it’s okay, that he’s fine. It’s true, he feels okay. For the first time in so long, he feels okay. The weight of everything he’s sacrificed, the happiness and family he’s given up, is finally gone. It’s like everything disappears, and he starts thinking about those he loves. A sad smile makes its way to his face, and he hears Jean’s voice fading, telling him it will be okay, that he’ll be fine.
He knows he will. For the first time in a while, he can finally say that he feels okay.