Chapter Text
Peace
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
Naims lungs were screaming, as the street raced past him in a blur. His legs running even faster than his thoughts.
He felt sick. The image of Ryan and Hunter clash together in a mess of violence and desire, wouldn’t leave his mind. For only a split second he had felt anger boiling low in his stomach, but just as fast as it came, it was replaced with a thick, choking could of shame that twisted his lungs from the inside out.
How could he have been so naïve? Of course, this thing with Ryan could never end in anything good; he should have known this. The days they spent at the Mill were the only reprieve of the lifelessness of Bandee. It had felt special to Naim.
How fucking stupid.
Against his own volition, Naims legs slowed. He didn’t want to slow down; he didn’t want to be stuck in this horrible small town anymore.
If he could have, he would have ran right past the border of Bandee and never stopped, but his lungs burned and his legs felt like they were going to shake apart beneath him.
Naim could feel tears prickle at the corner of his eyes. He sagged to the floor, feeling the sun warmed concrete through the thin fabric of his pants. The feelings he had about Ryan, about their…thing, kept clashing together with something dark and hidden. The feeling that however good it felt to be with Ryan; it wasn’t worth the pain it would cause. Because Naim knew that it would cause pain. They couldn’t be how they are and not expect consequences.
In a way, it felt vindicating. In another way, it felt like he was being torn apart.
Naim hated this. His mother had always instilled in him to be calm, quiet. He should keep his emotions under control. What if someone saw him, shaking apart on the side of the road?
“God blessed us with rationality, don’t be recalcitrant” His mother had told him. She would be ashamed to see him now.
With shaky arms, he pushed himself up. His lungs still wouldn’t breathe properly, but he forced his legs to go on, carrying him down the road.
He hated feeling like this. In no way could he reconcile the Ryan he knew with what he just saw.
Sure, Ryan could be teasing, sometimes even a bit rough. He remembered the first time they had been at the Mill. They had pushed each other around and Naim had even thrown a rock past Ryan, but he was aiming at the shelve. Never once was he trying to hurt Ryan, and he knew the feeling was mutual.
He could see it in the way Ryans hands would loosen, the second he had Naim pinned, only trying to prove his strength, but meaning no actual harm.
To see him and Hunter, so blatantly hurting each other terrified him. Was this what Ryan wanted? Or Hunter?
Naim ran his shaking hands over his face. He could see it now; what his mother had told him years ago, and what he heard repeated in the church all the time.
What Ryan and Naim had been doing was sinful. It hadn’t felt that way. It felt good and gentle, but now…
He could go to the Pastor, tell him what he saw. That would stop it, that would make all of this stop.
The thought gave him pause. Was that what he wanted?
He saw Ryan at the Mill. Years of dust flying around him, his searching eyes inches from his face.
He saw him standing in the fields, hair shining golden in the sun, grinning.
He couldn’t do it. Naim promised Ryan he wouldn’t tell anyone about him, so he wouldn’t.
The sun was setting, as he saw his house come into view. His mother’s car was parked in the driveway.
Fantastic…
Once more, he wiped his hand over his face, hoping to school his expression into something neutral. Smoothing out his wind-swept hair, he opened the door, to see his mum milling about in the kitchen.
Something smelt warm and hearty. Glancing up from the vegetables she had been cutting, his mother shot him a small smile. Even as he smiled back, he could feel the insincerity pulling at his face.
It did not matter. Even if his mother noticed, she wouldn’t call him out on it. Trouble was best ignored until it went away.
Naim wished he could do the same.
The next few days dragged on endlessly. At home he was mostly alone. The only time he saw his mum was during dinners, which were mostly silent. Sometimes he’d overhear phone calls she would make, talking about God and work.
It was strange to see his mother so intense in her faith. She had always been religious. Naim remembers as a child she would sometimes say a prayer with him before bed. He never thought about it much. She had grown up in a small town not too dissimilar to Bandee, where you grew up with believing.
When their parents met, they moved to the next big city. They had him. They had a few good years. His dad died and now, it seemed like the only thing keeping his mother together was her faith.
It made sense he supposed. His father’s death served no purpose. The world did not stop to look. Maybe believing made it easier to accept his death. Gods plan and all that.
School was an equally quiet and lonely affair.
As before, Ryan ignored him in the hallways, and his other classmates seemed like they lived on a completely different planet. Naim had no idea how to act around any of them.
In a way he was grateful that he had no one to talk to. It meant that he didn’t have to waste energy on trying to act normal.
A cacophony of shame, guilt and the unmistakable tug of longing played in his mind at all hours. It was all too much and each time he caught sight of a head of blonde curly hair, his heart would pinch, his lungs would size, and his mind would tell him all the reasons why he should have never agreed to hang out at the mill that afternoon all those days ago.
To spare himself from further distress, he vowed to try and avoid Ryan until he had at least made sense of some of his feelings.
Each morning Naim arrived just before class and ride past the side of the school building to park his bike near the back. Right under a sign prohibiting anyone of leaving their bike there.
He ran to class, spent the lunch break in the bathroom, and snuck out of the building as soon as the bell went.
It feels ridiculous to hide from Ryan the same way he hid from his fifth-grade bullies, but the thought of having to talk to him, made his stomach drop.
For a few days, the plan worked without a hitch, only today his last class was math. For hours Naim had been trying and failing to will his brain to concentrate on his teachers. Only it was late afternoon now, and math had never been his strong suit.
His mind kept wandering back to the days spent at eh mill. The feeling of Ryans fingers carding through his hair. The smell of dust and sweat and dust in the air as they kissed.
When the bell sounded, and class ended, Naim realized that he had missed at least half of what his math teacher had been talking about. As the other students slowly filtered out the classroom, Naim scrambled to write down the calculations on the board. Then he could at least look at them at home and wouldn’t risk failing his first math test, right after moving.
Once he had copied the last few numbers onto his page, he saw that the classroom was empty save for him. The hallways were the same with only a few students milling around.
Naim slipped into the stairwell and out the back door. When he turned towards his bike, he saw Ryan leaning against the wall, staring down at some pebbles he was pushing around with his foot.
At the sound of the door closing Ryan lifted his head and grinned at Naim; pointing at the sign over his bike “Can’t read?”.
Naim could feel his chest seizing. He shook his head, walking towards his bike.
“Can’t speak either?” Ryan said. His teasing tone shifting to something different; more cautious. “I haven’t seen you around lately.”
Naim stopped just out of reach, shrugging. “Maybe that’s for the best.”
For a moment, Ryans face split open with surprise. “Why?” he asked, shoving off the wall and taking a step towards Naim.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Ryan scoffed. “Of course it matters!” Both are startled by the volume. Naim turns his head to see if anyone heard them, but he sees no one.
Ryan takes another step forward. They were close now, too close to be casual.
“Is it this fucking town?” Ryan whispered infuriated; not at Naim, but at the fact that of all the places, they were stuck in Bandee. “Is it you mum? Are you scared she’s going to find out?”
“I’m not scared” Naim bristled, shoving past Ryan to crouch next to his bike, fiddling with the lock. He heard Ryan pace behind him, trying to find the right words.
“Look,” Naim turned around at the sound of Ryan’s voice. “I get it alright. This town can mess with you,” he said earnestly and walks back to stand in front of Naim “but we don’t have to tell anyone. We’ll keep it a secret, and we’ll be fine.”
Against his will, a scoff bursts out of Naim. “You’d know about that, wouldn’t you” he said, looking up at the other boy.
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Ryan argued, crossing his arms
“I saw you,” The bike lock comes loose and Naim stands, nearly colliding with Ryan, whose entire body had gone deathly still. “with Hunter” he shoved the lock in his bag and turned to leave.
“Wait, wait” Ryan started into motion again, grabbing his arm. He didn’t pull, just holding Naims wrist in place. “I- Hunter- “. Ryan shook his head, willing his mind into order. “It- “
“It doesn’t matter” Naim cut his explanation short and pulled his arm loose. Ryan let him without resistance. “I don’t care” he lied.
Ryan stared after him as he drove onto the street and out of sight.
“Fuck…”