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Dan: so Liam almst burned down our house.
Liam: I am ready to defend myself because you're twisting the story.
Dan: Our kitchen was filled with smoke.
Liam: correct. however, I was just trying to make s'mores for my boyfriend so we can have a romantic movie night in my room that I spent two hours cleaning. In this essay I will-
Dan: we both know you'd eat most of the s'mores.
Liam: I share!
Phil: not with us.
Liam: you're my parents. However, when I am watching Hereditary with Noah, who gets scared easily, I must allow him to eat the s'mores to calm him down. It's how I repay him for doing my T shots for me because I'm too much of a chicken to do it myself.
Phil: Hereditary isnt very romantic.
Liam: I chose it on purpose because when we watch horror movies he jumps and cuddles closer to me.
Dan: oh, and speaking of his T shots. We went on a trip, just me and Phil, for like a week a little but ago. And when we came back, I swear to god his voice got three octaves deeper and he grew a whole inch.
Liam: you're exaggerating a bit. It makes me like three months to grow an inch.
Phil: you're still growing insanely fast though. You're the same height as Noah now.
Liam: and here I thought I'd be the tiny twink forever.
Dan: jesus christ.
Liam: anyways, people have been in the comments saying we should bring Noah on the podcast. But I was wondering how it would work, because I'm not giving up my chair.
Dan: share the chair, I thought you loved sharing with him.
Liam: a cold bear on my right and a sexy guy on my left. That's what living is.
Phil: you're not even old enough to drink alcohol.
Liam: i was joking. or was I?
Dan: you better be joking.
Liam: i am!
Phil: Good.
Liam: [whispers] or am I?
Dan: jesus fucking christ.
Phil: alright, since Liam really likes spreading blackmail material of us online, we thought we'd tell you some dirt of our own we have of him.
Liam: papa.
Phil: when Noah came over, and I went in to check on them in the middle of the night, it was actually very cute, they-
[the rest of his talking is muffled by liam's hand]
Liam (bright red in the face): let's move on!
[Phil wrestles his hand away and finishes his sentance.]
Phil: you were literally just asleep on the floor cuddling! You're acting like I was gonna say you were fucking.
Liam: you have betreyed me Phil.
[dan laughs]
Dan: you haven't called him phil in like two years!
Liam: he is no longer my father after this. [he wipes away a fake tear]
Phil: [through laughing] im sorry
Liam: I only accept apologies in cash.
Liam: Can we get a dog?
Dan: where did that come from?
Liam: [shrugs] i dont know, i just want a dog.
[silence]
Liam: if i was a worm-
Dan: oh jesus-
Liam: let me finish. If I was a worm, would you still have invited me to stay with you after you saw me crying?
Dan: whats the right answer?
Liam: follow your dreams.
Dan: I dont think I should do that my dreams are weird as fuck.
Liam: follow your heart then.
Dan: my heart is saying no, because worms dont cry.
Liam: weird al new song for you. [he starts singing, his voice cracking a bit] hiding the tears in- wait they dont have eyes- on my face cause worms dont cry!
The cure you have competition.
Phil: I do have a question for you.
Liam: shoot.
Phil: you and Noah seemed quite sad for a bit, what happened?
Liam: we were watching sad byler edits.
Dan: oh dont remind me.
Liam: I pirated the finale when it came out because of my shit household nd I had to muffle my angry crying ao my mom wouldn't hear.
[silence]
Liam: how does a bastard orphan-
Liam: I had an interaction the other day where a guy in a MAGA hat thought i was a trans women.
Dan: what.
Liam: I was in line for the bathroom, minding my own buissness at the pride parade we went to when we went on that trip to Washington DC. I was wearing a flowy skirt because it's cute, and my hair was kinda chin length at the time. Looing back on it I was very feminine that day. So this dude just stares at me and goes "you'll always be a man." and walks away.
Phil: that's hilrious.
Liam: i had my fucking he/they pronoun pin on, and I know he wouldnt know that pronouns are seperate from gender. Probably just didnt see it.
Liam: alright, im tired. bye everyone.
Dan: alright kid, we'll finish up.
[Liam flashes a thumbs up and walks out of frame.]
Dan and Phil finish up the episode, and when it's over, Liam is awaiting them, bouncing back and forth on the balls of his feet, bag packed. Phil ruffles his hair. "You could always bike home y'know." he shrugs. "I like watching you. It's fun. I'm just tired and done for today."
"Alright then." Dan smiles and starts heading towards the door. "lets go home."