Chapter Text
The probability of it all was what was getting Dan.
First of all, he'd been on testosterone for nearly a decade, and birth control for half of that. His periods and fertile windows were incredibly random -- and he and Phil only ever fucked in a way that would make a baby once in a blue moon.
The probability of those two events lining up must have been insane.
The probability of it taking-
Dan sighed, flipping the test over and over between his fingers. This was the sixth one he'd taken in the last two days. Positive, all of them positive, and he was throwing up every morning, and…
And he just. He felt it. It felt correct, each time he looked at a test. Correct, if not real.
He probably needed to tell Phil, now, which would make it very, very real.
Dan had been throwing up for almost a week, and the thought to check if he was pregnant had occurred to him on Monday. It was now Wednesday, and if someone asked Dan what he had done in the last 48 hours, he probably wouldn’t be able to say. He felt disconnected from his body, distant and far away from his thoughts and actions.
There was something growing inside him. Like a tumor. Only instead of a tumor, it was a baby.
That shit wasn’t real. If he ignored it, if he kept moving, it wasn’t real. Like his transness wasn’t real, wasn’t something he ever talked about, the same way he and Phil hadn’t discussed their relationship with their audience for 16 fucking years.
Fucking, ha. Fucking had done this, yeah.
But this wasn’t like the pontoon or the epic phan conspiracies, this was happening, and Dan couldn’t exactly hide it. His body was going to look pretty different, soon. His clothes wouldn’t fit. Fuck, was he going to need to wear bras again?
The pregnancy test he was twirling slipped from his fingers and clattered to the ground. He crouched down to pick it up and examined it. Still pregnant.
He hadn’t been sure what to do with the tests he’d taken, so he was just keeping them in a tesco bag under his sink in his bathroom. He grabbed it, putting this test with the others. He still had to tell Phil. His finger tips felt numb.
Might as well do it now, right? They weren’t doing anything else.
Dan left the bathroom with his tesco bag, heading up the stairs and into the living room where Phil was scrolling tiktok.
“Hey, what’s that?” Phil asked, and Dan just handed him the bag. Phil looked inside, picking one up. He held it up by the pee end, and Dan suddenly burst out laughing.
“What?” Phil asked. “Why are you- Is this a pregnancy test?”
“I pissed on that, you ninny.”
Phil shrieked and flung the whole bag across the room, which only made Dan laugh harder. He didn’t know why that was the funniest thing in the entire world to him, but he felt like he couldn’t catch his breath.
“Eww Daniel! Why are you giving me a bag of pissed on pregnancy tests? What kind of weird prank -- Dan? Dan?”
Black spots danced in his vision as Dan’s lungs caught around his laughter. His knees gave out, and he quickly put a hand on the edge of the couch to lower himself to the floor. He wasn’t really sure why he was still laughing, maybe because Phil just wasn’t getting it, maybe because he had handed him a piss bag, maybe because fuck, he was pregnant, six pregnancy tests, six or seven pregnancy tests, six seven, ha-
“Dan!”
Big, cool hands cupped his face, familiar and grounding, his favorite sensation for the last 16 years. He blinked, tears slipping from the corners of his eyes as he tried to breathe with Phil.
“That’s it, bear, just like that. In… out… in… out… shh, shh…”
Dan shuffled forward on his knees so he could rest his face against Phil’s chest. They knelt there, knee to knee, Dan still breathing a bit too fast and Phil trying to keep calm.
“Dan?” Phil asked as the roaring in Dan’s ears began to fade.
Dan sniffled. “You don’t know how to read a pregnancy test, huh?”
Phil went very still. Dan sat back on his heels.
“You gave me a bag full of pissed on pregnancy tests.” Phil repeated dumbly. Dan nodded. Phil stared at him, blue eyes wide and searching.
“Dan,” Phil asked, “how many of those tests were positive?”
Dan closed his eyes. “All of them.”
Phil didn’t respond, so Dan kept talking, not looking at him. “I’ve been throwing up, yeah? You thought I had food poisoning, but I feel fine except when I don’t, and I realized I haven’t had a period in a bit and we fucked front ways that time and… yeah, I figured it was worth checking, but I wasn’t sure how many to get, and I wasn’t about to go to a store, so I ordered them on deliveroo and you had to either get a single box or a box of like, ten, so I got the ten, and I’ve taken like, most of them, and- yeah, they’re all saying I’m pregnant.”
He peeked open his eyes to see Phil staring blankly at him. Great, he broke his baby daddy. He had a baby daddy, what the actual fuck.
“Phil,” Dan said, pleaded maybe, “Phil, one of us has to be a functional human being right now.”
“Can it be you?” Phil squeaked out, and Dan scowled at him. “Bitch I'm the one who's pregnant-”
“Oh my god you're pregnant!” Phil shrieked as if it was just hitting him. “Oh my god, Dan?!”
“Yeah,” Dan said, “yeah, thank you, that's the reaction I was expecting.”
He felt faint, telling Phil and having a panic attack had made it real, and now--
“Oh,” Dan said suddenly, “oh, I'm going to throw up.”
And with that he unceremoniously scrambled to his feet, greyed out, collapsed again, and puked on the floor.
Between the two of them, Dan was better at handling crises and unexpected surprises. Phil was atrocious at it. He wasn't sure what it was about him-- he just had trouble adjusting to unexpected things.
This was… pretty unexpected, given that Phil had sort of assumed it was impossible.
He wondered if Dan knew this could happen, and if he did why he didn't insist on a condom last month when Phil had eaten him out and then fucked him so hard Dan had cried.
He figured now wasn't the time to ask, given that Dan had been silent and still for the last 20 minutes while Phil cleaned. He was sitting on the couch with a mug of tea in his hands that was slowly going cold and a blanket around his shoulders, the same position Phil had put him in when he had gotten him off the floor.
Phil had made the tea, and cleaned up the puke, and now there was nothing left to do but talk about this. He sank heavily onto the couch next to his partner, and stared at him for a long moment. He was struck by a wave of guilt, suddenly -- Dan was trembling, scared, and Phil had done this to him.
“Hey,” Phil said, putting a hand on Dan’s back, rubbing the blanket between them. “Hey, Dan? Are you okay?”
“I’m pregnant,” Dan said again, sounding just… numb. “So. Is that part of our okay? I don’t know.”
Phil understood what he meant, and gently tugged at his shoulder until Dan leaned against his side. “I think that’s up to you, bear.”
“Oh,” Dan said, then blinked rapidly. “I don’t know.”
“That’s alright.” Phil said, kissing the top of his head. “You can feel whatever you want about this, alright? Good, bad, there’s no right or wrong here.”
Dan snorted. “Pretty sure there’s a right way to feel about babies, Phil.”
“You know as well as I do that that’s bullshit. You’re allowed to feel however you want.”
Dan didn’t answer, and Phil didn’t think it needed to be said, but;
“And we handle this however you want.” Phil said. “Whatever choice you make, I’m behind you. 100%”
He hoped that last bit would make Dan laugh, and it got a weak chuckle. Dan sat up and looked at Phil, eyes still red rimmed and puffy. “How do you feel about all of this?”
Phil didn’t want to think about how he felt. He didn’t want to even consider it, because if he considered it, it might influence Dan’s choices -- because Dan was good, and kind, and loved Phil so much that he always tried to put his own wants and needs above Phil’s. Phil couldn’t consider how he felt because if he felt a certain way and Dan chose differently, it would break him.
He wasn't sure what would be worse -- Dan going along with Phil’s desires and hurting himself, or Dan sticking up for himself and breaking Phil’s heart. It was far better not to get attached. Not yet. Not ever.
“Phil?” Dan asked softly, and Phil blinked as Dan touched his cheek. Oh. He was crying.
“Oh, bubby,” Dan said, softly wiping the tears away with his thumb. “Phil, you can- you can want it, it’s okay.”
“No I can’t,” Phil said, a bit too fast, “no I can’t, because you don’t, I don’t, We don’t want this.”
That was the consensus, last he checked. They loved being uncles, loved spending time with their friends' kids so long as they could give them back. Any time they had talked about kids of their own, they were adopted, and most likely far, far away in the future.
If Phil sometimes daydreamed about a little one, a mini Dan with rosy cheeks and wild curls, who climbed trees and was more loved than any child had ever been, that was his own private business.
“I don't know what I want,” Dan said miserably, "I don't know what I feel, I'm not feeling much of anything! I keep waiting to feel happy or angry or scared or dysphoric and it's just nothing!”
Dan pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them. “All I know is that it doesn't feel real.”
Phil's heart broke a little. Oh, his sweet Dan…
“... well, that's a starting point at least,” Phil said, and Dan glanced at him.
“You have a routine for dissociation, yeah? Grounding, journal, call your therapist.” Phil recited. “And in the meantime, we can focus on the physical stuff -- you gotta call your doctor, get scanned, the tests could be wrong.”
“I took a lot of them.”
“There's still a chance!” Phil said, wrapping an arm around him. “Either way, you gotta get checked out, so let's focus on the stuff in our control right now. We can worry about the decision part after we have all the information.”
Dan slumped against him again. “Yeah… yeah, that makes sense.”
Phil squeezed him tight. “So that's the plan then. You call your doctors, I'm ordering us dominos and fries.”
Dan cracked a tiny smile. “Extra ranch?”
“Always.”
Dan seemed to relax a little, and Phil hesitated for a moment before deciding it needed to be said; “Dan?”
Dan looked at him again, and Phil's voice felt thick with tears. “I'm not going anywhere, you know that, right?”
Immediately, Dan's face crumpled. “You promise?”
“Fuck, yes, I promise.”
Dan actually threw his arms around him, this time, letting himself start to finally, actually cry, thick and messy.
Phil pressed his lips to the top of his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He held him as tight as he could.
Dan's therapist couldn't see him till friday, but his GYN managed to squeeze him in the next day. As Dan was putting his shoes on, Phil blinked and asked; “Am I supposed to go with you?”
“You’re the father,” Dan drawled.
“Yeah but… it’s your gynecologist.”
“It’s an appointment about us possibly having a baby, Phil, you’re supposed to come.” Dan rolled his eyes.
“People won’t look at me weird?”
“People look at me weird, Phil, suck it up.”
They headed off, both with hoods pulled over their heads. Dan was always worried about his appointments here -- sure, he was out as trans to their audience, but he never wanted to make it a big thing.
They only pulled their hoods down once they were alone. Pretty much all of their doctors knew to let them wait in a private room, and Dan's GYN in particular was quite sensitive to the fact that he wanted as few eyes on him as possible. Phil sat on the spinny stool, while Dan sat on the edge of the exam bed, gown folded in his lap.
“Aren't you supposed to wear that?” Phil asked.
“I am keeping my pants on until the last possible second,” Dan grumbled, glaring down at the blueish fabric. “They shouldn't even need me to wear one, they aren't doing a pap smear or anything.”
“Right,” Phil nodded, “and a pap smear is…”
“God, you're so stupid sometimes.” Dan said, but his voice was light and teasing, and he squeezed Phil's hand. Phil grinned up at him. “You love it, you want me to be more stupid.”
“A pap smear is when they probe in my vagina, Phil. It actually sucks.”
Phil shuddered. “Sounds like it. But they won't do one today?”
“I don't know, I've never been pregnant before.” Dan said. He still felt like the word pregnant didn't apply to him, even as he sat there, but at least today he felt like he could breathe.
“I wonder if we'll be able to hear the heartbeat,” he said. Phil tilted his head at him. “Do you want to? Hear it, I mean?”
“Remember how we aren't asking me what I want right now?” Dan said, rolling his eyes. Phil gave him a sheepish smile.
And yet, even as he said that, he felt a strange lurching in his chest at the idea of the baby, their baby having a heartbeat. He still couldn't figure out what the emotion was, but it was there, and he could feel it, that was progress.
He squeezed Phil's hand again, and Phil gave him a little smile, kissing his knuckles.
There was a soft knock at the door, and Dr Asim Pathak came in, mask over his face and eyes kind. “Daniel, good to see you again.”
“Nice to see you too.” Dan said, squirming a bit. “Weird circumstances, though.”
Asim chuckled. “I admit, I was somewhat surprised when I saw your appointment notes. We processed the urine sample you provided, and I can confirm that you're pregnant. I'm going to do a brief examination, and then you're going to go across the hall for an ultrasound. Once we have those two things done, we'll talk about options and next steps, alright?”
Dan looked down at the gown again. “Do I need to undress?”
Asim hummed, likely smiling beneath his mask. “Unfortunately, yes. Trousers and pants off, I'll be right back.”
He left again, and Dan groaned. Phil gave him a sympathetic look.
“This goes in the con column, by the way,” Dan said, hopping up to take off his trousers and pants. “I'm so glad I don't wear skinny jeans anymore.”
“Yeah, that must've been rough.” Phil said, taking the pants and trousers from him and folding them in his lap. “Nice bum, by the way.”
“I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but it's not working,” Dan sighed, putting on the gown and climbing back up just as Dr Pathak knocked again.
“Would you like your partner to step out for this, Dan?” Asim asked, and Dan immediately shook his head, reaching for Phil's hand. Phil took it -- he'd never been here for this before, and he wasn't actually eager to watch, so he gladly came over to stand next to Dan's head.
“Alright, Dan, we're going to start external.” Asim said, gesturing for Dan to lay back so he could palpate his lower stomach and pelvis. “Any tenderness here?”
“A little? Like when I've just ovulated.” Dan said, and Asim nodded, continuing to feel around. “Everything normal, I'm going to check internally now, feet up.”
Dan closed his eyes, squeezing Phil's hand and hissing a bit. Phil bent down to kiss him on the forehead.
The sound of it was familiar -- which was odd, in this scenario -- and Dan clearly hated it, even though the only reason they were here was because Dan sometimes loved penetration.
Phil decided he hated this too.
“Done!” Asim finally said, rolling away to remove the gloves. Dan let out a sigh of relief, immediately pulling his legs closed. He looked up at Phil, eyes a bit wet.
“Okay?” Phil whispered, and Dan nodded, clambering to sit back up and quickly pull the gown back over his knees. He was shaking a little, and suddenly Phil wanted to scream at Dr Pathak to get the fuck away from Dan and never touch him again.
“Everything seems normal,” Asim said, tilting his head at them. “Go ahead and get redressed, the ultrasound technician will be here to get you in a few minutes, alright?”
“Thanks doc,” Dan said, voice still a little small and hesitant, and Dr Pathak nodded and left.
As soon as he did, Phil tugged Dan into a sideways hug, pressing his face into Dan's curls. Dan let himself be held for a second, then mumbled; "I'm okay, bub. It's part of life.”
“It shouldn't be.”
“I mean, yes, you're right, women's health care is medieval at best.” Dan said, climbing off the table.
“No -- I mean, yes, it is, but I mean -- you're not a woman.” Phil crossed his arms, glaring at the table like it had personally offended him. “You're Dan, you should be able to have matching bits.”
Dan snorted as he pulled his pant leg over his foot. “Yeah. Another one for the con column, I might completely fuck up their concept of gender and we have to do a whole second medical transition in 12-18 years.”
Phil's frown turned toward his partner. “That won't happen.”
Dan raised an eyebrow. “What, our kid might not be trans?”
“You can't fuck them up,” Phil said, “you wouldn't. Dan nowhere in any argument for or against us having a child could we ever fuck it up, not like that.”
The sentence in and of itself didn't quite make sense, but Dan understood the sentiment, and found himself getting misty eyed. Phil cupped his cheek. “You're gonna love whatever kid we do or don't have, we both will.”
“I think we're half in love with this one already.” Dan whispered, and Phil kissed his forehead.
“Yeah,” Phil sighed, “I think we are.”
The ultrasound technician came to get them a few minutes later, and if she noticed Dan's puffy eyes, she didn't comment.
“It'll be right down here,” she chirped, “and just to confirm, which one of you is Mr Howell?”
Dan appreciated that no one assumed, that these doctors and nurses and technicians had heard that their patient was a man and they weren't saying the word mother or even parent, everyone was going at his pace.
For some reason, the casualness was helping. Getting examined was always an uncomfortable and dysphoric experience, that hadn't changed just because he was pregnant.
Pregnant. He was pregnant. Dan Howell was pregnant.
It was a weird thought, but it felt… tangible, now. This was a real thing. It was happening.
He was… happy, maybe. He was pretty sure his mind and heart had settled on happy. It was still muted and odd, but there were happy-ish feelings.
He was pretty sure he would never feel ecstatic, he never was about forcible reminders that he had ovaries, but this wasn't so bad.
He could do this for a few more months.
The technician introduced herself as Gia, then had him lay down and pull up his shirt a little. This bed was a bit firmer, but he got an actual pillow this time, and he could wear pants.
The gel was warm, and a bit weird -- like lube, but on his stomach. Gia explained everything she was doing as she did it. The screen was visible to both him and Phil.
“Okay, so this is your uterus,” She said, “and- oh, there we are.”
… fuck.
That was a baby.
That was two babies.
Neither was very distinct, they were all curled up like shrimps, but there were two distinct sacs and two distinct heads. One of them stuck out a tiny arm.
“Left fetus is saying hi,” Gia chuckled. Dan stared, then looked at Phil.
Phil was staring at the screen. Phil was awestruck.
Phil was in love, Dan could see it in his face.
Well, fuck.
“Are they,” Dan swallowed, “are they healthy?”
“Looks like they are, we can probably hear the heartbeats.” Gia hit a button on her machine, and there was one lubdub lubdub lubdub, slightly overlapped with the other, like they were fighting for attention.
“Be nice,” Dan whispered, “that's your twin in there.”
Phil's hand dripped onto his shoulder and squeezed. “We have twins?”
“Healthy, 9-week-old twins.” She smiled at them “they have separate placentas, as you can see here, so they're fraternal.”
“That's insane,” Dan said, “I don't- I don't even have a regular cycle and I managed to have twins?”
Gia's eyes actually sparkled. “Life finds a way.”
She nodded at Phil's jurassic park hoodie, and suddenly Dan couldn't help but laugh. He was pregnant, they were having twins.
Phil squeezed his shoulder again. Dan thought he may actually be crying.
He was given some paper towels to clean himself up, and they were promised print outs of the ultrasound to take hom, then they were led into Dr Pathak's office.
He had a pinboard on the wall, filled with cards from thankful mothers and pictures of couples holding their babies.
“So,” Asim said, “this is the part where we talk about the future a bit. You have a lot of options at this point, including information on methods of abortion, if you're interested in that route.”
Dan looked at Phil, Phil looked back at him. They often joked that they could read one another's minds, that they had spent so long around one another that they had been reduced to a single brain.
They both looked back at Asim. Dan smiled a bit “I don't think we'll be needing that, thank you.”
Asim smiled back. “Then let's talk about what the next 7 months will look like.”