Chapter Text
-☼-
Seeing Alhaitham for the first time since their breakup at a stranger’s house party, dazed and drunk and entirely too miserable to be functioning correctly, certainly hadn’t been on Kaveh’s bingo card for that week, or that month, or really the rest of his college days.
Kaveh always tried to avoid over-planning for things that he didn’t want to happen, because whenever he did, they almost always seemed to come to fruition. His life was enough of a mess without his anxious mind willing more bullshit into existence, after all.
It seemed this time though, fate simply wanted to mess with him. There could be no other explanation for how things could go so horrifically wrong.
It was the middle of December, and winter had rolled comfortably into the streets of Sumeru City. The air was crisp, the days were short, and Kaveh, though physically surrounded by people, had never felt more alone.
Kaveh didn’t usually do house parties- to each their own, but he couldn’t stomach the stress of being drunk in somebody else’s home, worrying about neighbours or having to navigate winding neighbourhoods and apartment blocks, stressed about timings and wrong directions.
They weren’t his thing, and the handful he’d attended had been pitiful enough for this dislike to solidify. If Kaveh ever drank socially, he’d do so at clubs, or seedy bars, with the few people he knew who were into that kind of mindless drinking as well.
But, even better than that was an afternoon wasted drinking boxed wine on his couch, trying to force the thoughts from his brain by displacing them with alcohol. Was this healthy? No. But it worked, occasionally, for long enough that Kaveh continued the habit. And, hey, at least he was self aware.
That night, though, Kaveh had made an exception. Tighnari’s friend- Dehya, he thought her name was- was hosting a party to celebrate the end of the first semester, and Tighnari had asked Kaveh to join him.
It had been a while since Kaveh had been properly drunk, and he liked Tighnari a lot, even if they’d only known each other for a few months.
Tighnari and Kaveh were both seniors, and had ended up with similar schedules despite their differing majors. They’d met in the Rtawahist library- not that either of them were Rtawahist students, but it was the only library that was open twenty four hours a day, given it housed the Akademiya’s observatory. Kaveh struggled to get work done in his apartment- he’d be distracted by his noisy roommates or the desire to follow his bodily needs and sleep. Tighnari, for his part, was just more of a night owl.
They had been sharing a small table, both elbow-deep in homework and cramped in among all the other sleep-deprived Akademiya students, and had bonded over a shared bag of salty crackers from one of the library’s shitty vending machines, their first sustenance in hours.
“You look half dead,” Tighnari had whispered, crunching on the snack. “What’s up?”
Kaveh had sighed, trying not to collapse into the table and die. “My laptop keeps crashing. I think it’s being a dick because I won’t replace it.”
Tighnari had leant over, inspecting the screen. “Let me take a look.” Kaveh had enjoyed how Tighnari’s eyes actually narrowed at the screen, almost cartoonishly. “Ah, have you tried updating the software?”
Kaveh had lurched, flicking through his tabs. “God. Oh, shit.” He’d sighed. “I’m an idiot.”
“Ha, trying to do your designs on old software is, like, building a palace on top of a withering zone,” Tighnari had grinned, wide, flashing all his teeth.
“Okay, ouch.” Kaveh had whispered, a laugh puffing out of him. “But, thank you. Ah, sorry, I don’t think I know your name?”
“Oh, it’s Tighnari. And you are?”
Kaveh hadn’t really realised how lonely he’d been, until Tighnari had come along. He felt he owed it to Tighnari to not bail on him when he really had nothing better to be doing. He tried not to think of it as a pity invite, though Kaveh had definitely made several self-deprecating comments about his own chronic loneliness. Tighnari, he told himself, definitely wasn’t the type to hang around people purely out of pity. He could be snarky, sure, and incredibly blunt, but he wasn’t cruel.
So, there he was. In the midst of young-adult drunkenness, though still painfully sober himself. Cracking open a pre-mixed can of some disgusting cocktail, Kaveh wandered around until he found Tighnari, standing with his boyfriend Cyno, who Kaveh had met a handful of times. He’d thought that Cyno was more than a little terrifying the first time they’d been introduced, but around Tighnari, he softened immensely, all smiles and laughter.
“Kaveh!” Tighnari called, waving him over. “I’m so glad you came!”
“Hey, Tighnari, Hi Cyno,” Kaveh smiled as he walked over. Tighnari’s cheeks were already a little red, as he leant against Cyno’s arm a little more than he probably needed to.
Kaveh chatted with them for a bit, but made his escape when Cyno started attracting beer pong participants. Kaveh’s pong skills were.. pitiful, at best.
There were a few people he thought he recognised from some of the student productions he’d attended, or from the libraries, but nobody he really felt comfortable approaching, nobody he knew well enough to be well and truly drunk around.
After making a few fruitless loops of the apartment, downing another two pre-mixed cans in the process, he resigned to sitting in a corner, nursing a glass of cheap red wine.
The party was loud, and hot, despite the frigid conditions outside. Kaveh had, of course, overdressed. Damning his lack of foresight, he cringed at the sweat clinging to the back of his neck and tried to look for a door to a balcony. Maybe it had been a mistake coming here, after all. He resolved to find Tighnari and make some excuse to leave.
Kaveh walked back over to where Cyno’s game of pong had obviously ended, seeing Cyno on his knees with his face in his hands while a guy standing over him laughed heartily.
He tapped Tighnari, who was stood a few feet back, lightly on the shoulder.
“Hey, Kaveh,” Tighnari said, his words slurring a little. “You good?”
“Yeah, I’m good,” Kaveh smiled. “Thanks for inviting me.”
“No problem! Hey, c’mon, there’s some people I want you to meet.”
“Wait-“ Kaveh protested, but Tighnari had pulled him up by his sleeve, like a mother dragging her toddler, and walked over to a person standing in the opposite corner of the room. The world rushed by him, a blur.
“This is Kaveh,” Tighnari said to the person, patting Kaveh heartily on the back, “my pet architecture student. I’m the only one who makes sure he gets food and water.”
Kaveh hadn’t really looked at who Tighnari was introducing him to at first, staring down at his shoes and laughing a little at Tighnari’s pitifully accurate description of him. But when he did look up, it was like the air had been sucked from his lungs. Like the ground had suddenly gone soft, and gooey- like quicksand, swallowing you whole the moment you went still.
The room around him, so charged before, went dead, utterly motionless. The very air around him took a breath. Or maybe it was just his own brain, trying to shield him from the shock.
Alhaitham looked so beautiful. That was the first thing Kaveh thought, laying eyes on him for the first time in almost a year. Beautiful. Maybe, kissable, or some other pitiful adjective his brain, in its state of absolute shock, conjured up.
He was wearing a dark green shirt that Kaveh hadn’t seen before, buttoned to just under his collarbone, and his eyes were hollow in a way he never wanted to see again. Kaveh wondered what he was supposed to do, with all this emotion- then, he was pulled back to reality, like the ending of a rollercoaster.
“Oh-“ Kaveh breathed. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, unsure of what to say. He probably looked like a fish.
Alhaitham watched him, unmoving.
Kaveh realised then, that he hadn’t ever mentioned Alhaitham, or their relationship and eventual breakup, to Tighnari. It wasn’t some big secret; he just hadn’t thought they’d know each other, and didn’t see much of a point in bringing it up.
Since their breakup the previous January, Kaveh had carefully curated a schedule that would avoid Alhaitham as much as possible- electives on opposite ends of the campus, going to the library early in the morning or at night when he knew Alhaitham wouldn’t be there, or only going to bars he knew Alhaitham disliked.
If Kaveh never bumped into him, he’d assumed Tighnari with his similar schedule wouldn’t either, and he didn’t feel much like pulling up a photo or pointing him out.
But of course the universe would be that cruel to him. Of course he’d be here, after Kaveh’s months of downright skillful avoidance. God was real, and she was punishing Kaveh.
“Kaveh, this is Alhaitham.” Tighnari said, unaware of Kaveh’s quickening pulse. “He’s Cyno’s friend.”
Of course he is! Brilliant, fucking brilliant.
“Oh- hi.” Kaveh spluttered again, trying to remember how to talk or breathe or stand or at least pretend he knew what to do with himself. It was like all the alcohol he’d been slowly consuming had finally caught up with him, and his brain had turned to sludge.
Devi Kusanali, it was so nice to see his face. Too nice. Kaveh felt giddy, and he felt like he was dying.
Somewhere between his mental fumbling, Tighnari said, close to his ear, “I’m gonna get more drinks. You two chat!”
Kaveh hadn’t registered his words, really, but Tighnari disappeared before Kaveh could protest. He hadn’t registered anything, properly, other than the fact he felt like he was dying.
He decided, though, egged on by the liquid courage pulsing through his veins, to not make things worse by being a total dick and ignoring him. He turned to look Alhaitham squarely in the eye, but found his gaze was being pointedly avoided.
“It’s been a while,” Kaveh tried, lamely, adding, “how have you been?”
His voice came out a lot more high pitched than he’d intended, more shriek than speech. He winced.
“The same,” Alhaitham said gruffly. He wasn’t looking at Kaveh, but Kaveh knew that if he wasn’t walking away, he couldn’t be terribly put out. Kaveh studied his profile- his hair was a little shorter, and his shoulders looked broader- had he been working out more? He looked good. God, it was so good to see him.
“That’s- that’s good.” Kaveh said, shakily.
“I suppose so.”
“I- I missed you,” Kaveh smiled, and, fueled by vodka and regret, opened his arms in invitation.
Alhaitham’s brow furrowed, but then he leant forward slightly, arms firmly at his sides, and Kaveh pulled him in for a hug. At first Kaveh just held him awkwardly, but then tightened his grip, pressing their chests together. The touch made his skin burn, and he felt vaguely like throwing up, but overwhelmingly glad he could smell Alhaitham’s cologne and shampoo and that neither had changed.
“Ahh,” Kaveh sighed into Alhaitham’s shoulder. He could feel the music beat around him, pounding like the blood in his ears. He felt serene, as if this was exactly where he was meant to be- in a stranger’s home on a Friday night, with his arms around his ex-boyfriend’s neck.
Something curdled in his stomach, at the thought of calling Alhaitham his ex-boyfriend, but that’s what they were. Exes. A scrapped design curling at the bottom of his overflowing paper shredder. God, what had gone so wrong? Kaveh didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the proximity, but he couldn’t quite remember.
Kaveh murmured something into his shoulder.
Alhaitham shifted under him. “What?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper.
“Why’d we ever break up?”
A pause. A beat. The intake of breath before a scream. Kaveh regretted saying it the moment the words fell from his lips.
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham said, close to his ear. It was probably still no more than a whisper, but it sounded like a scream. His voice was scorching. Kaveh jumped and pulled back.
“What?”
Alhaitham looked at him for a long moment, a mixture of concern, annoyance and a third, unreadable thing plastered over his face. Had Kaveh really forgotten how to read him? It had been so easy before. How had it already been a year?
“What are you doing?” Alhaitham started, “Why are you doing this?” he sounded annoyed, perturbed. Kaveh burned.
“Doing what?” Kaveh said. He tried to wrap his arms around Alhaitham again, wanting his gentle warmth instead of the scalding pain in his head, but Alhaitham pushed him back, hard enough that Kaveh, in his drunken state, stumbled slightly.
“What are you doing?” Kaveh yelped, incredulous.
“No, Kaveh, what are you doing,” Alhaitham said again, this time less questioning and more accusatory. Kaveh could tell he was drunk- his cheeks were flushed and his balance was clearly off, leaning against the peeling painted wall like a lifeline.
Kaveh knew he was drunk as well- otherwise, he probably wouldn’t let himself be anywhere near Alhaitham. God, what was he doing? Shame tightened in his chest.
“Why are you here,” Alhaitham continued, “Why are you still talking to me, and why are you asking stupid questions?” His voice was so rough, so callus, so awful. It made Kaveh’s chest ache, but he attributed that to the copious amounts of vodka in his system. The shittiness of the red wine he’d chugged. It couldn’t be anything else.
“‘M sorry,” Kaveh muttered. “I’m here with Tighnari, uhm, Cyno’s boyfriend?”
“I know Tighnari. I’m surprised you do.”
“Why are you surprised?”
Alhaitham paused. “You don’t have many friends.”
Kaveh flamed, affronted. “Yes the fuck I do? Like you can talk!”
“You’re at my friend’s houseparty,” Alhaitham deadpanned, “Dehya. And you don’t have friends, Kaveh. You have people you pity, and who pity you. It’s sad you haven’t realised yet.”
“Why are you-“ being so mean, he didn’t finish. Instead, he said, “Tighnari isn’t like that. He’s- Nice.”
For a while, Alhaitham and Kaveh had shared a small group of casual friends; but once they’d started dating, they’d spent most of their time alone, together. It wasn’t that they were antisocial, per se, but they had preferred each other’s company greatly to large groups of mostly strangers.
In their own ways, they struggled to get close to people that weren’t each other, so it was nicer, often, to be alone. Less work. Less hassle.
Since they’d broken up, Kaveh hadn’t kept in touch with anyone from the old group. He had a few people he was friendly with, his roommates to an extent, though they were noisy and inconsiderate, people he shared classes with, some occasional drinking buddies; but after Alhaitham and until Tighnari, he hadn’t had anyone he was particularly close with.
“I know Tighnari is nice,” Alhaitham said, plainly. “He’s Cyno’s boyfriend.”
“Yeah, he is.” Panic seized Kaveh’s heart. Did Tighnari know about them? “Do you- do you know him well?”
“We’re friendly. Not particularly close.”
Kaveh sighed, and then felt his chest tighten for another reason.
Alhaitham being so curt stirred something in Kaveh’s gut. He’d always, always divulged his opinions of anything and everyone to Kaveh with relish, and they were always, always deeper than that. It was one of the things he loved- had loved about Alhaitham- his witty remarks about poetry, professors, novels, mutual acquaintances, anything; it was all so horribly wonderful.
Kaveh ached. He felt like a dripping candle, spilling out. Where was Alhaitham’s wit- or rather, who was enjoying it now?
“Are you seeing anyone?” Kaveh asked, suddenly.
Alhaitham frowned. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“I’m not- I just wondered.” Kaveh deflated. “Why are you here? You don’t like parties.”
Alhaitham’s frown deepened. “I don’t dislike them,” he said, “With the right people. And I like Dehya.”
With the right people.
“Do you hate me?” Kaveh burst.
He paused, his face tightening. “You’re not going to like my answer,” he said, so non-partisan that Kaveh felt genuine anger tighten in his chest.
“You can just say it. What does that even mean?”
”I mean exactly what I said, Kaveh.”
”You’re avoiding the question!”
“I think you’re an asshole, Kaveh.”
Alhaitham said it so easily, so impersonally that Kaveh might as well have asked him about the weather. Whether he was a dog or cat person. How he felt about sushi. It was like talking to a ghost, to a gravestone.
“You’re an asshole!” Kaveh spat, anger flaring up right from his core. “This is why I broke up with you!”
“So, you do remember.” Alhaitham said, even more curt. “And you were just asking to, what, minimise your participation? Make me remind you, and hope I’d soften the story?”
“Alhaitham, I’m-“
“An asshole. Self awareness is a great virtue, Kaveh. One you’re lacking immensely.”
“Alhaitham- will you just listen to me!?”
“I think I’ve given you enough time,”
“What if I’m still in love with you?” Kaveh blurted.
Alhaitham paused at that, but his face remained uncannily still. The annoyance in his expression had completely overpowered the previous concern, now, but Kaveh still couldn’t place that awful third emotion.
“Well, that would be a shame. You broke up with me, Kaveh. You’ve avoided me for the last year.”
”Okay,” Kaveh said. “Well- well I’m not. It was just- it was just a hypothetical. But- I wouldn’t be- I’m not still in love with you.”
His face didn’t change. “Okay,” Alhaitham said.
And then, he left. Like a shadow- not an object, but the clear absence of one. Alhaitham was an absence. Kaveh hadn’t realised how much seeing him again would hurt.
“Kaveh!” Tighnari called, emerging again from some other corner. “Dude, you and Alhaitham really hit it off! Something told me you’d get along. I’m like, so great. I’m so drunk too.”
“I can see that,” Kaveh smiled, feeling raw.
“You good, man?”
God, Tighnari must be drunk. When did he ever call anyone ‘man’? If Kaveh didn’t feel so shitty, he’d have laughed.
The air around him spun. The low, warm lights were burning his eyes. He wanted the ground to suck him up, then and there.
Kaveh turned around and vomitted into a nearby houseplant.
“Holy shit!!” Tighnari yelped. “Hey, someone get a mop!”
And so, the first semester of his senior year ended, abysmally. He was a wreck, he was miserable, and he was definitely not over Alhaitham.
-☼-
Kaveh was two years older than Alhaitham. Or, one year, seven months, and two days. Kaveh might call it two years, but Alhaitham would insist on specifics, pedantic as he was. They were both right, in a way. That was always the problem with them.
They’d met a week into Kaveh’s sophomore year, Alhaitham’s freshman year. A Tuesday, a bright September morning. Lukewarm as forgotten coffee.
Kaveh had started college a year late, taking a year after highschool graduation to work and take a few art classes where he could. Kaveh’s highschool had had a painfully lacklustre art program, and his bone-deep, suffocating, relentless anxiety led him to believe that if he did not choose this route, he would be doomed to be an architectural failure, unable to draw or craft.
It had proven useful, in the end, and if nothing else, the money he’d saved had helped to keep him afloat through the mundanity of college life.
With his mother toying with the idea of migrating to Fontaine, he hadn’t wanted to bother her with asking for money for rent, his phone bill or food. And it was nice, to be independent, to not have to rely on somebody else and then harbour all the regret that comes with that.
It had also been nice to simply take the time- to not have the stress of school weighing on his mind along with everything else. He’d entered college feeling oddly hopeful, though that had washed away the moment his assignment started flooding in. Still, it had been nice, for a while.
Kaveh had met Alhaitham in the house of Daena, the Akademiya’s largest and most notoriously busy library. Kaveh had been forced to sit with him, because Alhaitham happened to be inhabiting the one table with an open seat in the entire library, both floors (he’d checked.)
At first, Kaveh had thought Alhaitham was kind of an asshole, for taking up a whole table. But then Kaveh realised that he probably, like Kaveh, didn’t have anyone to sit with. So, he’d walked over and introduced himself. The rest was history.
They’d dated for just over a year- the November of Kaveh’s sophomore year to the January of his junior year. When they broke up, Kaveh had felt a little like he’d wasted this time, so caught up in Alhaitham that he’d foregone many other college experiences. He’d hated Alhaitham a little for this, for being so many of his firsts and then not bothering to stick around.
Kaveh knew this was unfair- after all, he’d been the one to end the relationship- but his brain was irrational when it came to Alhaitham, always had been. He found himself searching for a reason to hate him, any reason, but it was hard to muster anything concrete. Something had been wrong. That’s all he could think. He didn’t want to think about it.
Kaveh hadn’t dated anyone since Alhaitham- he didn’t have it in him, feeling terribly like he’d wasted all his romantic energy on Alhaitham. He’d had a one-night stand here and there, but they always left him feeling vaguely disgusted with himself. So, the loneliness made itself at home in Kaveh’s heart where Alhaitham used to be.
It was embarrassing. He really needed to move on, but so much of his life had become entangled with Alhaitham. Too much. That’s the thing about dating someone, about getting that close- you almost split yourself in half, and there are things you don’t get back when it’s all over. He didn’t want to, and frankly couldn’t do it again.
For eleven months, Kaveh had managed to keep Alhaitham out of his life. He’d blocked his number and any social media. He’d taken classes he knew would keep him as far away from the linguistics department as possible. Hell, he’d even moved from the student dorms to a shared house a little way off campus, to avoid the chance of ever seeing Alhaitham again.
He’d been so good at it- so good at isolating himself from his terrible, awful decisions.
And then, Alhaitham had become best friends with Kaveh’s only friend’s boyfriend. Naturally. The archons were laughing at him.
Tighnari texted Kaveh the first week he returned from winter break. Kaveh usually stayed on campus during the winter and spring breaks, having nowhere in Sumeru to return to and being far too poor to fly to Fontaine. He’d spent most of the break alone, working or spending awkward nights out drinking with strangers, as he usually did.
He was infinitely glad to hear from Tighnari. After the fiasco of Dehya’s end of semester party, he’d honestly believed Tighnari would be unwilling to speak to him again. But, to his utter surprise, Tighnari messaged him the same day classes resumed.
—
Tuesday, 10:34- Tighnari
Hey, Kaveh. Hope your break was okay!
Some of us are heading to Puspa today, meeting at 1, if you wanna join and compare schedules :)
10:37- You
Hi, Nari!
My break was good, thanks.
I’ll be there!
—
Kaveh let his phone go dark in his hand, eyes closed, begging silently that Alhaitham wouldn’t be there. Of course, he knew he wouldn’t be that lucky.
-☼-
Kaveh arrived outside Puspa Cafe just as Tighnari and Cyno were walking through the wide, glass doors. Puspa Cafe was artsy and modern, standing out like a sore thumb against the old buildings of Sumeru city. Still, it served good coffee, and had excellent wifi. Kaveh could just about subdue his inner aesthetist in favour of these benefits.
“Tighnari!” Kaveh called, and Tighnari turned around, grinning.
“Hey, Kaveh!” He smiled warmly. Beside him, Cyno nodded, looking menacing as usual. Kaveh knew though, that that was genuinely just his resting face. “Everyone else is already here, I think. Most of them were at Dehya’s party. Uh, you remember Alhaitham, right?”
Kaveh’s stomach curdled, but he resolved to grin and bear it. For Tighnari’s sake.
“Sure do!” he said, a little too brightly.
Sure enough, when they approached the table, Kaveh felt his heart lurch, almost immediately.
Alhaitham was sat, talking so animatedly that for a moment, Kaveh wondered if he’d been teleported to some alternate universe where Alhaitham was magically open and happy with anyone- no longer his quiet junior who would watch, and then report his thoughts later to Kaveh, in the quiet of one of their dorms. Alhaitham’s smiles had, once, seemed like they were only his.
Then, Kaveh realised he was spouting absolute bullshit. Alhaitham was a human being- of course he could be like this with other people. Shaking his head, Kaveh pulled himself back together, back to the present.
“Hey, it’s houseplant guy!” a pretty girl sat beside Alhaitham called from across the table, beaming as they walked up. “I’m Dehya, I don’t think we met properly.”
She had long, chocolate brown hair dyed blonde at the ends, and wore heavy black eyeliner, making her blue eyes even brighter. It reminded him of the kind Alhaitham sometimes wore.
“Oh my god,” Kaveh rushed, embarrassment seizing him with a death grip. “Dehya, I am so sorry about your-“
“Eh, it’s all good. That one was dying, anyway.”
“Do you want me to send you some money for it?” Kaveh scrambled for his wallet, “I would’ve offered sooner, but I didn’t have your number-”
Dehya grinned. “It’s all good!” she said again. “You’re fine. Buy me a drink sometime, if you really want.”
Kaveh sighed and took a seat on the other side of Tighnari. Of the five other people around the table, he only knew three names- four, now including Dehya. Right on cue, the blue-eyed girl sat beside Dehya introduced herself.
“Hi, Kaveh!” she beamed. “I’m Nilou.”
“Are you in the theatre club?” Kaveh asked, feeling a flash of familiarity at her bright red hair. “I think I’ve seen you in one of the productions.”
“I am!” she said, excitably. Kaveh smiled back at her.
A somewhat awkward silence fell over the table, and his gaze lingered on Alhaitham, who was looking pointedly down at his phone.
Suddenly, Alhaitham lurched forward, Dehya jabbing at his side. “Dude,” she hissed, “introduce yourself!”
“We’ve already met,” Alhaitham deadpanned, not looking up from his phone. “We spoke at the party.”
Dehya sighed. “Sorry, Kaveh, Alhaitham’s an asshole.”
Kaveh laughed awkwardly, and turned to face Tighnari.
“Can I see your schedule?”
“Oh!” Tighnari said, “That’s right. We need to compare schedules, guys. Cyno, get the spreadsheet.”
“Spreadsheet?” Kaveh asked, confused.
“We make a spreadsheet of all our schedules so we know where everyone is,” Nilou explained. “There’s about eight of us, well, nine now including you!”
Kaveh felt something in his chest knock loose at the fact he was already being included. He smiled. “I see!”
“It was Alhaitham’s idea,” Dehya said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and rubbing his head affectionately. “Our little genius.”
Kaveh watched, expecting Alhaitham to push back or at least look uncomfortable, but he took the embrace in stride, barely looking up from his phone. Dehya let him go, and he ran a hand through his mussed hair, smoothing it back down.
“It’s a good one,” Kaveh said, but Alhaitham still wouldn’t meet his gaze.
“Sure.” Alhaitham said, coolly.
“Where’s my freshman?” Tighnari said, suddenly. “I thought she was coming?”
“Collei said she had a meeting with her bio professor,” Nilou answered, “She said she’d forgotten about it.”
“Aw, man. Kaveh hasn’t met my freshman. Kaveh, you’ve got to meet my freshman,” Tighnari said, insistently.
“I- okay-“
“Sethos and Candace said they both had TA stuff,” Cyno provided. “They already told me they’re coming on Friday, though.”
“Oh, right!” Tighnari turned back to Kaveh. “We’re going out to a couple bars for our welcome back night out, this Friday. Wanna come?”
“Yeah, come!” Dehya said. “Oh, gimme your number too. I’ll add you to the group chat.” She brandished her phone at him from across the table.
“Ah, alright,” Kaveh smiled, and punched his number into it. He tried to ignore how Alhaitham had visibly tensed, the air between them prickling with something apparently only Kaveh could sense.
“Are you guys not getting coffee?” Nilou said. “I can go order for people!” There was a unanimous, yes, please! and Nilou stood up, smiling. “Okay, what does everyone want?”
Kaveh shot to his feet. “I’ll help too!” he said, looking around.
“Sure, thanks Kaveh!”
“A cappuccino, please,” Dehya beamed.
“Just a chai latte for me,” Tighnari said.
“I’ll take a strawberries and cream frappe,” Cyno said, smoothly.
“Alhaitham, do you want a vanilla cold brew?” Kaveh said, without thinking.
Everyone paused, the air suddenly tense. Alhaitham looked up from his phone for the first time, and met Kaveh’s eyes directly, something like concern flashing in his gaze.
Kaveh winced, his heat rate quickening. “Ah, just a guess. I’m probably wrong.”
“Sure,” Alhaitham said, wryly.
Kaveh sighed, and he and Nilou walked off to order together. The cafe itself wasn’t packed, but the queue to order was still fairly busy, a long line winding around the counter and out the door. They walked to the back, standing in the fresh January air. Nilou shivered a little.
“Do you want my jacket?” Kaveh offered.
“Oh, no, I’m alright,” she said. “Thank you, though!”
They chatted for a while, about their orders and then their majors. Nilou was studying performing arts, and as of this year had become the head of the theatre club.
“That’s crazy! Congrats!” Kaveh said, smiling. “The productions I’ve seen recently have been great. That retelling of ‘The flower of Paradise lost’ was incredible.”
“Thank you! I love the story of Nabu Malikata!” Nilou’s entire face curled into a wide, infectious smile. “I struggled a lot to pick a specific story to adapt though, since I’m not super familiar with the official texts referencing her. Alhaitham actually helped me come up with the storyline. He knows so much about ancient texts…” she trailed off, suddenly thoughtful.
“Hey, Kaveh?” She said, slowly.
“Ah, yes?”
“How come you knew Alhaitham’s coffee order?”
“Oh!” he heaved, the wind suddenly knocked out of him as a jolt of terror shot down his spine. He’d messed up, a slip of the tongue, remembering what Alhaitham wanted. Kaveh wasn’t sure how much Alhaitham had divulged to his friends about them, but from the way everyone had treated him, they couldn’t know much. Nearly stumbling backwards in his effort to feign nonchalance, Kaveh coughed roughly. “Ah, just a lucky guess.”
“I see,” she said, calmly. Her eyes were not quite beady- she was clearly far too lovely for something so accusatory- but there was an unmistakable flicker of wonder in her wide, blue eyes. And then it was gone. “Good guess!” She grinned.
“I think we might’ve spoken about it at the party,” Kaveh said, quickly. “I was kinda drunk, I don’t really remember. Haha.”
“Hmm,” she hummed, but she was still smiling. “Sorry, he’s kind of private, so I was surprised that you’d know something that specific. But he must like you if he brought it up! I’m glad you guys get along!”
He must like you. Ha! Kshahrewar would sooner set attainable standards. Sumpterbeasts would sooner start flying.
“Are you two close?” Kaveh asked, trying to force down the lump at the back of his throat.
“Yes, I’d say so! I’ve only known him about a year- same with the rest of the group, actually. Alhaitham and I are both juniors now, but for my freshman year I was so caught up in practice and studying that I kind of didn’t make any friends, haha.”
“How’d you guys meet?” He asked, weakly.
“Oh!” She beamed. “Well, about a year ago, Alhaitham joined an elective that Dehya was taking, and they got talking because they go to the same gym. I go there too, and so does Cyno, so we formed a little gym-buddy group. And Dehya also knew Dunyarzad? I don’t know if you’d know her, but she’s in the theatre troupe as well.”
“I don’t think I do,” Kaveh said. Something was aching in his chest, an itch he was afraid to scratch for what might come oozing out. That Alhaitham had this whole life, had found this whole life in the year they’d been apart, and Kaveh had had no idea was maddening. It was driving him slowly insane, each new development.
“How did you and Tighnari meet?” Nilou asked, brightly.
“Uh, we just had similar schedules last semester. I think he ended up with classes when all of you were free, or something. We sat together sometimes and his lectures were near mine, since the Kshahrewar and Amurta buildings are so close.”
“Aw, that’s sweet! Who else are you friends with?”
Kaveh cringed. He tried not to let his face flush. “Oh, they’re all seniors, or Kshahrwewar students. I don’t know if you’d know them.”
“Ah, I see. Oh right, you’re an architect! That’s so cool!”
Eventually, they made it to the front of the line. Nilou rattled off everyone’s orders, plus a caramel latte for herself and an espresso for Kaveh.
When they barista called their order, Kaveh picked up the tray of drinks, and they returned to the table to find Tighnari and Dehya deep in debate over where they’d go for their night out, with Tighnari insisting they went to Lambad’s tavern for “traditions sake” and Dehya lamenting animatedly that it was “too quiet and vanilla” for her.
“My freshman will be there!” Tighnari shouted. “I’m not traumatising my freshman with one of your dodgy bars, Dehya!”
“My bars are perfectly PG!” Dehya insisted, folding her arms.
“Was the Padisarah not where that girl flashed you, Dehya?” Cyno said, quietly.
Dehya gasped. “Cyno! You’re just taking your boyfriend’s side! God, I hate gay people.”
“Were we not literally just talking about a girl flashing you?” Tighnari said, slyly.
Dehya scowled, though she was clearly biting back a smile. “Fine, whatever, we can go to your grandpa bar. But it’s Razan Garden next!”
Nilou smiled, taking the tray of drinks from Kaveh and placing it down on the table. “I love Lambad’s! The music is so sweet.”
“Nilou, even you! I thought you loved me!”
I do love you Dehya, but I love atmospheric bars too.”
“Et tu, Nilou?” Dehya mumbled under her breath as Nilou smiled and patted her shoulder.
“There there, your bars are lovely too, Dehya,” she consoled.
“Are you free then, Kaveh?” Tighnari asked.
“Ah, yes, I think so- but, I wouldn’t want to impose..”
“You wouldn’t be!” Nilou assured him. “We’d love your company!”
He watched as everyone nodded in agreement, feeling his chest warm at the welcoming gesture. He glanced across the group of smiling faces, but his gut churned with unease when he saw that Alhaitham was still staring down at his phone, jaw taut.
Right. Kaveh thought. These are Alhaitham’s friends. I can’t just..
Alhaitham looked up then, for barely a second, but for the moment their eyes met Kaveh burned. He resigned to try and ask Alhaitham properly how he felt, away from the group and the fear of exposing their secret. Their secret- what were they- thieves in the night? Kaveh cringed.
“Alright- I’ll come. Thank you,” he said, softly.
-☼-
The week passed in a breath. Predictably, Kaveh found himself swarmed by assignments once again, his professors unforgiving as a violent tornado. Funny, because his schoolwork had a similar affect on his mind and body as a tornado might have on a town. Kshahrewar was truly rotting his mind, body, and soul.
Just two more semesters, he told himself. Sometimes that thought was all that got him out of bed. It forwent the fact he’d have to attend graduate school to fully complete his architecture degree, but it was a comforting thought regardless.
He saw Dehya and Nilou in the library the next day, and smiled as they waved him over invitingly, trying not to keel over under the mountain of work he had to complete. The following day, he ran into Cyno and another person, Sethos, who Kaveh recognised as Cyno’s victor from the pong game at Dehya’s party.
It was nice to have people to bump into, people to sit with, people who seemed genuinely happy to see him- a far cry from the year of abject (albeit self-inflicted) isolation he’d endured.
By the time Friday night rolled around, Kaveh wanted nothing more than to sink into the mattress of his cheap, shitty bed in his shitty, rented apartment, and sleep the week away. But, he couldn’t bear the thought of standing up Tighnari and the rest of them, even if they’d probably only invited him out of courtesy because he’d been there.
No, I can’t think like that. They seem genuinely nice- and, Alhaitham’s friends with them-
Alhaitham. Devi Kusanali, what was he going to do about Alhaitham?
The idea of making Alhaitham uncomfortable on a night out with his friends made Kaveh’s head ache- he didn’t want to sully the group of friends he’d clearly found so much solace in. Kaveh was stuck between a rock and a hard place- let down Tighnari, or piss off Alhaitham?
Kaveh fell back on his bed, and pulled out his phone from his pocket, quickly swiping through his contacts until he found Alhaitham’s name. He’d blocked his number, of course, after their break up. His thumb hovered over the big red ‘unblock’ button, but he pressed it and typed out a message before he could stop himself.
Friday, 18:37- You
Alhaitham, I just want to say, if you’re at all uncomfortable with me coming out tonight please let me know. I promise I don’t mind, I can make up some excuse.
Kaveh waited, and waited, but to no avail. He scrolled restlessly through his phone, awaiting a reply, but nothing came. Flicking back to the message app, he groaned into his pillow.
Friday, 18:37- You
Alhaitham, I just want to say, if you’re at all uncomfortable with me coming out tonight please let me know. I promise I don’t mind, I can make up some excuse.
(seen at 18:39)
Great. Amazing. Alhaitham was fucking airing him. That was just a dick move. Who left people on read in college!? They were adults, not tween girls having an argument. Not shitty talking stages.
Well, Kaveh wouldn’t be made to feel guilty by someone who would shamelessly ignore his goodwill, his olive branch.
He’d go. He’d have to. Alhaitham left him no choice.
-☼-
When Kaveh arrived at the bar, only Dehya and Nilou were there, along with a tall, blue haired girl that Kaveh didn’t know.
“Kaveh!” Nilou called when she caught sight of him, waving excitedly. “Come sit, come sit! This is Candace, I don’t think you’ve met.”
“Hi, Kaveh,” Candace said, smiling. “Nice to finally meet you.”
“Hello, and likewise,” Kaveh returned the smile, committing her name to memory and pulling a heavy wooden chair out and sitting down. He’d never been good with remembering names, but so far he’d managed not to fuck anything up with the new people he’d met.
Kaveh looked around, taking in the scenery. Tighnari definitely had good taste in bars- the decor was warm and homey, dark wood and dark green carpets, with intricate carvings in the booths and benches. It was small, but not claustrophobic, and seemed to have two floors. Warm, yellowish lighting pooled from a brass chandelier in the centre of the room, casting the downstairs half in shadow. Very atmospheric, indeed. It reminded him of the kind of places he and Alhaitham used to go.
Don’t think about that, Kaveh!
“It’s nice here,” Kaveh said. “I can’t believe I’ve never been.”
“Kaveh, don’t tell me you’re a grandad too,” Dehya lamented. “And here I thought you were cool. Where’s the houseplant energy now!?”
“God, please don’t remind me,” Kaveh buried his face in his hands.”
“Did you come far?” Nilou asked.
“No,” He said, “I live just three blocks away.”
“Oh, fun!” She said. “We come here quite often because it’s in the middle of everyone. Speaking of, where is everyone else?”
“Alhaitham said he left a little while ago, and Tighnari Cyno and Sethos are coming together,” Candace responded, “They said they left about ten minutes ago, but I think they’re bringing Collei, too.”
“Cool! Do you guys wanna get drinks?” Nilou asked.
“Yeah, c’mon, Kaveh!” Dehya stood quickly, pulling Kaveh by the arm.
“I’ll save the table,” Candace called as the three of them walked over to the bar.
They ordered in quick succession, Kaveh paying for their drinks before either of them could protest.
“Kaveh, thank you so much!” Nilou smiled, “I owe you a beer!”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Kaveh grinned back. “My treat, as a thank you for being so, uhm, nice to me. And for the plant.” He cringed a little, but they both grinned widely at him, Dehya patting him on the back with such force that he nearly toppled over.
By the time they returned from the bar, drinks in hand, Sethos, Cyno, Tighnari and Alhaitham arrived, along with a small girl who he assumed was Collei. She had large, sad eyes and seemed to be a little overwhelmed by the amount of people, but she smiled as Kaveh and Dehya approached and greeted her.
“Nice to meet you,” she squeaked, “I’m Collei.”
“Collei, what do you want to drink?” Tighnari said, warmly, “my treat!”
“Oh, thank you so much! Just some fruit juice, if that’s okay.”
While Tighnari and Cyno went to get drinks, Kaveh chatted with Collei.
“You’re lucky you chose Amurta, over Kshahrewar,” Kaveh said, sighing sadly. “Tighnari always seems so.. un-anxious. I can’t come up with a word.”
“Woah, Kaveh, you’ve had one beer!” Dehya smiled. “Grandpa allegations are still going strong.”
“I’m twenty-three!” Kaveh groaned.
“Composed,” Alhaitham offered, quietly. Kaveh turned to face him, a little surprised. “Or, put-together. Blithe. Unperturbed.”
Kaveh blinked. “Okay. Unperturbed.”
“You’re twenty-three?” Nilou frowned. “I thought you were still finishing undergrad?”
“I am,” Kaveh said, taking a swig of beer. “I worked for a year, before college.”
“Oh, I see,” Nilou nodded, sipping on her bright pink cocktail.
“Alhaitham, aren’t you gonna drink?” Dehya asked, eyeing Alhaitham, who was sat in a corner, on his phone again.
So you can be on your phone this much, but can’t even text me back? Kaveh thought, annoyed.
Alhaitham placed his phone on the table. “Maybe in a bit.”
“Okay, okay. Does this place have a pool table? I forget.”
Kaveh forced himself to relax, soaking up the warm atmosphere. Sethos and Dehya dragged Cyno and Alhaitham away to play pool, and Kaveh chatted idly with Tighnari and Collei, sipping his beer slowly, trying to keep a clear head.
He didn’t know what he was waiting for exactly- maybe, a moment when he could pull Alhaitham aside and ask him properly if this was okay, if he was allowed to be here having such a good time with Alhaitham’s friends, in what was apparently his new regular bar. He shifted uncomfortably, trying not to let his stress show as he talked. What would he even say? Was it worth bringing it up at all, or would Alhaitham just ignore him in person, too?
Kaveh’s whirlwind mind was brought to a stop by the return of Cyno, Dehya and Sethos.
“Where’s Alhaitham?” he asked, as Sethos laughed heartily at Cyno’s clearly crestfallen expression.
“He said he was going outside for a bit,” Dehya said, patting Cyno on the back.
Kaveh leapt to his feet. This is my chance!
“I’ll- I’ll be right back!” Kaveh shouted, and scrambled over to the bar’s exit.
He found Alhaitham walking out to the small patio in front of the bar. Chairs were stacked in the corner of the patio, with only one table left in the centre.
The outside cold hit Kaveh like a mallet, right in the chest, in the knees, but he scurried out behind Alhaitham, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Where are you going?” Kaveh asked, breathless.
“Outside.” Alhaitham said, simply.
“Fuck, it’s cold,” Kaveh mumbled.
“It is.” Alhaitham replied.
“Why are you out here, then?” Kaveh exclaimed, incredulous.
“I needed some quiet. And a smoke,” Alhaitham said wryly, taking one of the chairs. He pulled a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, offering one to Kaveh.
“I get that. I’m good, thanks,” Kaveh mumbled, waving a hand at the offering and sitting beside him. The street was quiet, pavement rain slicked and gleaming. The smell of smoke drifted from beside him as Alhaitham lit his own cigarette.
“Why are you out here,” Alhaitham said, an accusatory lilt in his voice that made Kaveh prickle.
“I- I don’t know.”
“Hm.”
They sat in silence for some time, watching the silent road, hearing the occasional grumble of traffic. Kaveh wondered how he’d never heard of this place- it was far enough away that it wasn’t saturated with college students and therefore disgusting, but close enough that it was convenient, cozy. A hidden gem. Kaveh ached slightly, at the thought he wouldn’t be able to come here anymore, once he stopped talking to Tighnari.
“So,” Alhaitham said, voice gruff. “How has realising yourself gone for you, then?”
Kaveh choked, turning to look at Alhaitham, who was still gazing out into the empty street, face entirely impassive.
“What the fuck!?” Kaveh half yelled.
“I’m just making conversation,” Alhaitham said, smoothly.
“Right. Whatever.” He folded his arms, trying not to look too childish as he turned away.
“I’m not trying to annoy you, Kaveh. It’s a genuine question.”
“Alhaitham, I-“ Kaveh paused. “I was really angry, when I-“ he stumbled over his words, his throat inexplicably dry. “I don’t know, I’m just- God, this year has been such a mess.” Kaveh heard his voice break, but couldn’t stop the word-vomit spilling from his mouth.
“I don’t- my mother is getting remarried, you know? To a man I’ve never met. She officially sold her house in Sumeru, so that’s it, she’s gone. And Kshahrewar- well, if that school isn’t hell on earth then I don’t know what is. I started a project, just to have my critique go horribly because I’d been running on zero sleep actually building the model and yet they treat me like I’m some fucking genius - fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m even telling you this. To be honest, seeing you again has just added to everything.”
Alhaitham was silent. Kaveh continued.
“I’m a mess. Happy? A total wreck. And then, when I finally find someone who tolerates me, you’re magically their best friend. I don’t know what to do,” Kaveh was really crying now, feeling hot tears run down his cheeks. Devi Kusanali, he needed to pull himself together.
“You said it yourself, Alhaitham,” he sniffed, wetly, “I really don’t have any other friends. But if you’re- if you’re that uncomfortable having me around then, I don’t know. They’re your friends. It- It’s probably what I deserve.”
Confusion flashed across Alhaitham’s face. Just a flicker, a moment before he returned to his standard impassivity. “What do you mean,” he started, slowly, “you don’t have any friends?”
Kaveh blinked. “You- you’re the one who said that!”
“Oh.” Alhaitham said. “I wasn’t aware I was correct.”
“Oh.” Kaveh said. “Well- you- you were. Right on the money.” He laughed, bitterly. “I don’t have anyone. Other than, uh, Tighnari.”
“What happened to Yasmin?” Alhaitham asked. “Arash?”
It was rare for him to ask questions in a way that made him sound so genuinely perplexed. Kaveh winced. “Oh- I.. haven’t really seen them. Since we broke up.”
Alhaitham was quiet for a moment, cigarette balanced between two, deft fingers, pressed against his lips. He took a long drag, puffing the smoke out into the night air.
“I see.”
Kaveh scratched the back of his neck, uncomfortable. The air around them was icy, making his skin crawl and teeth chatter. He rubbed his hands together, turning to face Alhaitham.
“I wanted to talk about that, actually.”
“About your lack of friends?”
“No!” He exclaimed. “Well, maybe, kind of. It’s about your friends.”
Alhaitham hummed noncommittally. “Okay.”
“I- look, I get it,” Kaveh said. “You don’t want them- you don’t want me to be friends with your friends. That’s fine, really.”
“I can’t control who you’re friends with.” Alhaitham said, quickly. “Or who my friends are friends with, for that matter. I don’t try to make people’s decisions for them.” When he said that, there was a flicker of contempt in his voice, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. “There isn’t any real reason for me to stop you. Do what you like.”
Kaveh spluttered. “But- but how do you feel about it?“ About me, He wanted to ask, but the idea of voicing it made him sick.
Alhaitham sighed. “You talk so much about deserving things, Kaveh. Who gets to decide what you deserve? Me, of all people?” He took another drag of his cigarette, and continued “Contrary to what you seem to believe, I don’t want to see you miserable, Kaveh. They’re good people, and they like you. You’re a good person, too. I don’t think you’re going to harm them, or vice versa, so I don’t see any cause for concern. And even if I did, it’s not my choice to make.”
“You said you- you said you hated me!”
Alhaitham frowned. “No, I said you wouldn’t like my answer,” he said.
“That’s- same difference!”
“Alright, fine. No, I don’t hate you.” Alhaitham said, smoothly. “I have never hated you.”
Kaveh sighed. “Maybe you should.”
“Why would I?” Alhaitham turned to him, eyes hard, serious.
Kaveh felt like crying again. “Alhaitham-“
“If we weren’t right for each other, then we weren’t. If you weren’t happy, I can’t fault you for that.”
I can’t fault you for that. For that. But what about the rest? Avoiding him for a year? Disappearing, and then reappearing like it was nothing?
I have never hated you. Kaveh’s chest ached. He couldn’t be telling the truth- he just couldn’t. Kaveh had hated him, and his hate was, admittedly, far less warranted. Alhaitham hadn’t been the one to storm out of their relationship. Alhaitham didn’t tell Kaveh how he’d wished they’d never met, blocked him everywhere and disappeared from his life. How could he not hate Kaveh?
“You- you seemed so pissed the other day in Puspa,” Kaveh said, trying not to sound like he was on the verge of tears. “And then- then I texted you, and you left me on read- so,”
“My phone died,” Alhaitham said, simply, “and then I left it charging so it didn’t die while I was out. It wasn’t intentional.”
“What about- but, the cafe-“
“I was tired,” Alhaitham said. “I didn’t sleep well.”
Kaveh’s shaky breath puffed out into a cloud around his face. “Fine,” he said, picking the skin around his nails. “Well then, I- sorry.” He paused, his throat stinging. “Are we really okay?”
Alhaitham’s eyes softened, almost imperceptibly. You would only know if you’d spent hours staring into those eyes, at that face, learning each curl of his lip and twitch of his brow like a language, like a prayer, read and recited over and over and over.
“We’re whatever you want, Kaveh.” Alhaitham murmured.
“I- thank you. I want- Can we just be civil?”
Alhaitham watched him, gaze totally unreadable. “Sure,” he said, smoothly, and stumped out his cigarette into the glass ashtray. “If that’s what you want.”
They re-entered the bar a little while later, the warm air a pleasant contrast to the icy outside. Alhaitham walked away from Kaveh almost immediately, and walked back over to where Nilou was still chatting with Collei, Dehya and Candace, Tighnari, Sethos and Cyno having apparently returned to the pool table. They all turned and smiled as he approached, and, to Kaveh’s amazement, Alhaitham smiled back- wide, exposing the dimple in his right cheek. Kaveh wondered if it would ever stop hurting to see him look so happy with people who weren’t him.
He wanted to make it work- to be okay with suddenly having all these people in, and back in his life- but how could that be okay? How could he deserve to suddenly have this? To have Alhaitham back?
Kaveh paused. No, he didn’t have Alhaitham. He had a weird, year older, solemn and blunt version of his Alhaitham. He had the version post-Kaveh, who didn’t love him, who disliked him and was okay with being civil.
That was just who Alhaitham was now.