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Mya,
I killed someone today, several people in fact. This is perhaps not how you expected my first letter after my absence to begin but unlike your family, I don’t believe in hiding what I have done.
My absence has been because I have taken up arms as an archer on the side of Rhaenyra Targaryen with my brother and aunt after my father’s death in this very conflict. It is a harsh and frightening thing to do but I do not begrudge it. I have always done my duty and this is no different, I have a righteous cause and so I shall fight for it. That does not, however, mean I find it easy.
I have found I have no guilt over those I have killed in battle and I cannot bring myself to be proud of that fact. I am not someone built for war, I find it a shocking and untenable affair even if I know I must handle it. I cannot share this however. They’ll send me back to Raventree Hall and I cannot allow that to happen. I have a duty to my father to avenge him thoroughly, I have a duty to my brother to stand by his side and be strong for him, I have a duty to my queen to fight for her claim. They cannot see my weakness. They already look askance at mine and Alysanne’s presence here and Ben needs me more than he wants to say before these men, I had to hold him as he sobbed over what he has done and lost.
I hope you don’t begrudge being the sole bearer of this burden. I ask you not to use this against me, at least until I have returned of my own volition to Raventree Hall.
I can’t justify a long letter in these times so this is all I can share with you.
Tansy