Work Text:
Ilya and Shane were at the Pike house for dinner. They were talking about this and that and the kids were trying to sneak food to Anya under the table.
Shane: …Hayden, as one of my best friends you should know this about me. It’s not tha-
Hayden: Wait a second. As one of your best friends? What the fuck does that mean?!
Jackie: Swear Jar!
Shane (confused): That you are one of my best friends?
Hayden: I am your best friend! Not one of your best friends!
Shane (even more confused): No. Ilya is my best friend.
Ilya snickers into his hand.
Hayden (appalled): WHAT THE FUCK! No! He can’t steal this from me. I was always your best friend!
Ruby: Swear jar, dad!
Shane (still confused): No. You were always one of my best friends. My best friend was and is Ilya. He is the only one where I could always be myself. And he was there before you.
Hayden (throwing his hands in the air): But you two just fucked for years! You didn’t even talk!
Jade: Swear Jar, again!
Shane (blushing): We talked just fine. Even if not much it was always honest. And isn’t Jackie your best friend?
Hayden: That’s different!
Jackie (laughing): Ilya is my best friend.
Hayden (pointing at Jackie): Betrayal!
Jackie (petting Hayden’s leg): But you are a close second, baby.
Ilya (full on laughing): Not even good enough for your wife, Pike.
Hayden: I hate all of you. And you don’t need to open your big mouth like that, Rozanov! Who is your best friend? Svetlana? Marlow?
Ilya (shrugging nonchalantly): Shane.
Hayden: This is a lie!
Ilya: No it’s not. Shane is my best friend and has been for a long time. I can talk with him about everything. He is always there for me when I need him and the happiest I’ve ever been is with him. So he is my best friend.
Shane (looking with heart eyes at Ilya): Thank you, baby.
Ilya (kissing Shane’s cheek): Always, Lyubimyy.
Hayden (groaning): I can’t win with you guys.
Shane (still looking at Ilya): No you can’t.
Shane (turning to Hayden): But hey. You are also one of Ilya’s best friends.
Ilya (scowling): No!
Hayden (disgusted): Ew! I don’t want that!
Jackie (laughing): You are all idiots!
Arthur: Swear jar, mom!