Chapter Text
“Everything is going to go wrong, we’re all gonna die, and it’s gonna be all your fault.” I complain, glaring at my brother. The bored look on his face isn’t reassuring, and I get the feeling he’s not taking any of my extremely reasonable concerns seriously.
“We’re not going to die.” He says flatly, keeping his gaze on the road in a way that feels less like he wants to stay safe and more like he’s trying not to roll his eyes at me. “Millions upon billions of people have survived this exact scenario, I promise you that you’ll be fine.”
I cross my arms, “We could crash while trying to find somewhere to park. Someone could hit us while we’re on our way across the carpark. We could get inside while everyone else is already in there and get crushed to death. And that’s all before registration.”
“All of those are why we were up before the fuckin’ sun for a drive that’s less than two hours long.” He argues back, trying to share a glance with either of our cousins in the back seat. Lizzie’s too busy messaging someone on her phone and Jimmy’s passed out leaning on her, so neither of them even notice the look. He sighs. “Pearl, we’re going to be fine, okay? They know how to handle a bunch of us at once and we’d know if there was any risk of us dying in the carpark. I survived it last year, I’m sure you’ll be fine this year.”
“You never know what could happen, Grian!” I insist, “Today is already not going very well, that’s not a good omen.” My head is still aching from the migraine I woke up with about three hours ago, at only a bit after two. I barely slept last night, which Lizzie informed me was definitely the cause of the migraine. Not like I would’ve been able to sleep if I wanted to. I was up finishing and rechecking my packing, quietly so I didn’t wake up my cousin where she was sleeping on an air mattress on the floor, then researching everything I already have again just to make sure nothing will go wrong. Still, I’ve spent this entire morning worrying about what else might still go wrong. Grian keeps reminding me this is unhealthy.
My brother takes a breath, carefully keeping himself calm, then touches my shoulder. “Look. We’re gonna be there in the next ten minutes. We’re here early entirely so we can get the best parking. I know what I’m doing, I’ll get us through registration as fast as I can. Then we’ll get you and Lizzie to your room, set up enough so you can take a nap, and make you take some Tylenol so you can feel better. That sound like a plan?”
I decide not to respond, pouting and turning to stare out the window. I press the button on my headphones to start my music playing again, but I’m not able to pay any attention to it as I watch other cars zoom by. I can see the university from here, the highway high enough above the rest of the road that I can see how giant it is. It sprawls across hundreds of acres. There’s no way I’ll memorize where any of my classes are, no matter how much Grian insists I will. At least I can see a few on-campus cafes and restaurants. I won’t have to rely on the cafeteria food my brother swears must be poisoned to feed myself.
Not seven minutes after I stop talking, we’re pulling into a huge carpark. It’s not nearly as empty as most others would be at this time and I can see people taking luggage out of their cars, chatting with old friends, calling to their companions, and figuring out where they’re going. Still, Grian seems completely unconcerned for all my many logical worries as he pulls into a row of spots not too far from the front, scanning for open spaces. We’re lucky enough to find one the next row over, which he parks smoothly in. Then, as Lizzie shakes Jimmy awake, we both get out. My legs feel weak, as they always do after a long drive, and I stretch them out a little bit and lean against the car with a sigh. Grian doesn’t grab much, just his tote bag, and when Jimmy and I both try to get more stuff out of the back he shakes his head.
“We’ll get the other stuff once we know where our dorms are. Just bring your handbags.”
So, Lizzie takes out her purse and tosses Jimmy his own tote bag, which matches Grian’s (which, mind you, was a choice Grian was heartily against when they first got them for Christmas last year). I loop my messenger bag over my shoulders, running my fingers up and down the fabric of the strap like it’s a fidget toy. Grian walks confidently up to the front, leading the rest of us behind him like ducklings. We make it maybe twenty steps before somebody calls my brother’s name and he stops, turning towards the sound with a grin already forming on his face.
We’re joined by three others, one of them clearly a senior, the other two probably around Grian’s age, and the younger two nearly tackle my brother with a hug. He laughs, throwing his arms around both of them.
The one who stayed back smiles at us, though his eyes have a sort of tilt that makes me think he probably always looks tired, and he holds out a hand to shake each of ours the way Dad’s colleagues do when we meet them. “Hey, I’m Cub.”
Lizzie is the first to grin back, “I’m Lizzie. This is my brother Jimmy and the one who looks like she’s about to sprint off into the nearest bunch of trees is Pearl. She’s our cousin.”
I pout at her, “So Jimmy gets a normal introduction but I get that?”
Cub gives me a look that’s half sympathetic and half amused and crosses his arms casually over his dark sweater, “You’re Grian’s sister, right? He talks about you a lot. He mentioned you’re interested in space?”
I nod, perking up slightly, “I already know what I’m majoring in- planetary science. And I’m gonna minor in space studies.”
Now, he looks a bit more interested, “Talk to me if you want help studying or anything. My minor is space studies. There’s a few professors you might get next year and they’re all great.”
Grian glances over at us from where he’s chatting to his other two friends and rolls his eyes fondly, “You’re already making friends. Didn’t you say that wasn’t gonna happen for at least the first three months?”
“Pretty sure she said the first four, actually.” Jimmy responds conversationally, smiling serenely when I glare between him and Grian.
“Do you ever stop talking?” I sigh dramatically. He raises his eyebrows, offended.
“I haven’t said a word since we left your house!”
“Whatever. Grian, who’re your other friends?” I turn back to where he’s still practically leaning against one of the two. They’re both much taller than him, around my height, but one of them shifts from foot-to-foot and the other leans on a walker that’s colored with neon blues and oranges and wrapped in thick green plastic stems holding up fake sunflowers. The first of the two has dark hair and a rather impressive mustache for a sophomore. He’s dressed up if not fancy then at least rather formal in a buttoned up flannel and black dress pants ending just above perfectly white Vans. My own well-loved, red high-back Converse feel rather scuffed in comparison. His companion, the one leaning on the walker, immediately strikes me as familiar and for a moment I’m not sure why. Then, I remember Grian showing me a picture of one of his architecture classmates and realize this must be Scar, the man my brother rarely shuts up about. He’s got brown hair styled not quite shoulder-length and slightly to one side, revealing an ear with a notch in it. True to his name, he’s got nicks and scars all over his arms and face alongside a few small bruises and scuffs. He’s wearing a white t-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘ask me about my cats’ above a picture of three grayish tabbies, each dressed up like a different Star Wars character and with different degrees of indignation over it on their faces. Below it he wears kakis with big pockets and brown boots like the kind a character in an Indiana Jones movie would wear. He’s got a charming smile and green eyes sparkling with mischief.
Grian smiles almost shyly as he gestures to him, “This is Scar. He helped me get through a lot of my classes last year and his dorm is right down the hall from mine and Mumbo’s, unless they’ve moved us since last year. This is Mumbo, my roommate.”
“And best friend in the whole wide world.” Mumbo puts in, nodding matter-of-factly. Grian rolls his eyes but grins goodnaturedly.
“And best friend in the whole entire world.” He agrees with an exaggerated glance at me, Lizzie, and Jimmy.
The other two laugh but hearing about dorms has reminded me of how tired - and nervous - I am, so I only manage an anxious smile. My brother seems to notice my worries and he offers for the other three to join us at registration. Our group of seven heads into the main building, Grian catching up with his friends as if Mum hasn’t had to actively pull him away from texting them for hours at a time all summer. I trail behind and Lizzie notices, falling back to stroll beside me. I lean over so I can feel the comforting warmth of her shoulder beside mine, and take a breath, hoping I stay calm enough to not have a meltdown in the middle of a bunch of confident people who seem to actually know what they’re doing.
When we get inside, there’s a surprisingly short line about four groups long and we split into two duos and a line of three at the front to take up less room. I stand with Lizzie while Jimmy chats to Cub, already getting along swell like he does with every new person ever. At the front of our group, Grian stands between Mumbo and Scar, laughing and nudging them lightheartedly. Sooner than I think perhaps I can handle, we’ve reached the desk. Grian starts to give our names one-by-one and the person behind the desk enters them into the computer. She confirms Grian and Mumbo’s dorm along with Scar’s dorm both being the same, giving Scar a hard stare as she carefully reminds him to keep whatever ‘shenanegains’ he has going on in his dorm this year. He scoffs and waves a hand through the air.
“Oh, c’mon, not my fault my roommate is a weirdo and keeps making those odd contraptions!”
Cub raises his eyebrows, “Something tells me Doc wouldn’t make such chaotic ‘contraptions’ if you stopped pissing him off.” Scar pretends not to hear him and pulls Mumbo to the side as Grian rolls his eyes. He doesn’t have to remind the desk lady who Cub is and she smiles at him, congratulating him on something he did last year. He doesn’t have a dorm, apparently living in an apartment off campus, but he hangs around after he finishes chatting with her. Possibly to hang out with his friends, possibly because there’s so much anxiety on my face I might collapse and he feels pity for me.
Next, Grian gestures Jimmy forward and the blond says his name with a friendly smile, leaning over to take the paper map the receptionist passes him, letting her point out where his dorm is. He’s got a roommate too, some guy named Tango who the receptionist informs him is already checked in and seems very serious about keeping the dorm perfectly divided. My cousin waves a hand and reassures her that after sharing a room with his twin for most of his childhood that’s nothing he can’t handle.
Finally, Lizzie and I are stepping forward, Lizzie twining her arm with mine either as a reassurance or because she also sees how likely my legs are to give out under me. My headache keeps getting worse and new worries bloom like thorny roses in the back of my head. I continue to fidget with my bag so I have something to do with my hands.
Grian points to each of us in turn, “Pearl Moon and Elizabeth Solidarity. They applied to be in the same dorm, hopefully that worked out?”
She types my name into the system and frowns sympathetically, “Unfortunately it seems it didn’t. But they can apply for a dorm change after the semester officially starts on Monday if they still want to. They’re both in co-ed rooms from what I can see. Both have roommates. We allow priority for co-ed dorms, so if they still want to move rooms next week we will happily comply, sound alright, girls?”
Lizzie nods, looking more worried for my sake than my own, and I somehow manage my own anxious nod even though my entire plan for the year is rearranging itself in my head and I can’t help thinking there’s no way I won’t hate my roommate or my roommate won’t hate me or something won’t go wrong. I squeeze my cousin’s arm tightly so I don’t start shaking.
The receptionist smiles sympathetically at me, “You two are still close together, though. And I know some of the sophomores who live in your building, they’re plenty sweet. It’s six days until Monday, and I’m sure if you really wanna move before then I could have it arranged, okay, dear?”
I nod again mutely, chewing on the inside of my lip. I’m in an entirely different building from my brother, but at least I’m still near Lizzie, right?
The woman hands us another paper map, this one of the buildings just next to the one we’re currently in, and circles our rooms. I’m pretty sure she tells us the names of our roommates but I’m too focused on trying to figure out the quickest route to my room to hear her.
Grian leads Lizzie and I away from the front desk, letting all of us except Cub pour over the two paper maps. I pull a pen from my bag, marking each room with an initial or two of its occupants. I even mark Grian and Mumbo’s room and, at Scar’s request, his as well so when Jimmy sends me a photo of his map later I can use it easily to find my brother and his friends should I ever need to. I get the feeling I will at least once. There’s four floors in both buildings, and as good as my sense of direction usually is I don’t trust it much at all here.
My brother crosses his arms, leaning against a wall. “Alright, how do we wanna do this? Find the new rooms first? Show you guys where me, Mumbo, and Scar are? Explore a bit before we get unpacking and setting up done?”
Lizzie shares a glance with me. As much as I want to just lay down and take a nap, now that I don’t know who my roommate is I don’t really want to fall asleep before they get here. Obviously there’s a chance they won’t check in today or indeed any day this week since they’ll be able to until Wednesday the week the semester starts. But still, if they do get here today, and I’m asleep when they reach our room, I’ll just feel weird. I don’t want their first impression of me to be sleeping and vulnerable.
“Um, your dorms first. Then maybe show us around the nearest stuff?” I suggest quietly. Grian nods, and as he and Mumbo lead the rest of us to a stairwell upwards, Cub and Scar excuse themselves to make sure the elevator is free and start getting Scar’s stuff up to his dorm. We head up three flights, passing groups of conversing juniors and reuniting sophomores. I notice there seems to be the least amount of seniors. Grian tells me most of them live in either the nicer dorms or their own nearby apartments.
I can see the remnants of Grian and Mumbo’s last year here in their room, spots on the walls that may have held posters and a single forgotten candy wrapped that must’ve been missed by the cleaners. There’s two full-size beds, one against each wall, and between them is a curtain that has been pulled back. Each side has a small window between the bed and the curtain and under each window is a nightstand. Against the foot of the beds are desks, each with uncomfortable-looking wooden chairs, and on either side of the door are wardrobes. To one side there’s a door leading to what I assume in a small, attached bathroom. Opposite it is an open doorway leading to a small, tiled kitchenette with a stove, microwave, a few cabinets, and a half-sized fridge. As soon as we get inside Grian stretches and throws himself onto the right bed, dropping his bag onto the floor next to it.
“We got lucky with the separate beds, Scar and Doc have bunkbeds and Doc hates it. He has to take the top and Scar keeps putting stickers on the bottom to annoy him.” Mumbo tells us with a grin, “Although I think I’d be fine with bunks as long as I got the top one.”
“And that wouldn’t be happening.” Grian responds from where he’s lying sprawled on his back on the bed. “Because I’d need the top bunk to pretend to be a bird up in the trees.”
Mumbo rolls his eyes, “You’d come up with a reason to get the bottom if I wanted the bottom, too. You just like to be a problem.”
“That’s true, I do.” Grian grins, sitting back up, “Alright, I’ll leave my stuff here, we can stop by Scar’s room so you all know where that is too, then we’ll head out and I’ll show you a bit of campus. You can get your schedules in paper form this afternoon and I’ll help you find all your classes over the rest of this week, good?.”
We leave Mumbo behind because he wants to get his half of the room set up now, and suddenly we’re back down to the four of us again. Scar’s room is right down the hall, only four rooms away, and the door is wide open. We pass Cub as he’s coming back out to go get more stuff from their car and Grian stops to chat to Scar for a bit, a shy smile on his face. Jimmy, Lizzie, and I hang out outside the room until he’s done like three kids waiting for their mum to stop talking to an old friend at the shop.
Eventually, we’ve made our way back downstairs and then around the main spots on campus. There’s a few fast food options and restaurants along with a few small shops and food trucks. We stop by an ice cream van to get some energy from perfectly healthy means, as Jimmy and I insist when we wheedle Grian into letting us get some with his student discount. We’ll be able to use ours later today, when we get our new student IDs, but until then we’ll be borrowing shamelessly from him.
While we’re stopped in a pretty communal garden to eat, Grian tells us about the nearest off campus stores and locations, grocery stores and clothing shops and a bar just off of campus that most students love and tends to be inclusive and welcoming. As a group of a gay guy, a bisexual girl, a girl who might be a lesbian or maybe something else (I’m figuring it out), and Jimmy (who doesn’t realize that he’s gay), that’s useful information to know.
Once we’ve finished our various breakfast treats, we debate if we want to go to Jimmy, Lizzie and I’s dorms now or help Grian get his dorm sorted first. Still worried about getting to my room before my roommate and meeting my roommate while I’m still asleep and meeting my roommate and maybe my roommate being a horrible person, I vote for finishing up with Grian’s stuff first. So, we return to the car to gather his stuff.
Over the next hour we get everything set up, stopping rather frequently to chat with Mumbo and look up our favorite stores and fast food places on Google Maps to see if any of them are nearby. Eventually, though, we’re able to head off and find Jimmy’s room, which is a floor above Grian’s and on the other side of the building. It’s laid out identical to his but to one side is another man, also a freshman, who has made a line down the middle of the room with tape and two little boxes outlined with tape by the door into the bathroom and the main door into the room. He’s set up a bunch of posters for action and sci-fi movies all over the walls and put a laptop and a bunch of mathematical-looking books on the desk at the foot of his bed. If Jimmy had had a preference for that side of the room, it likely wouldn’t have mattered.
“Hello!” My cousin says, perfectly friendly despite how strict this guy seems to be. He jumps and looks over, narrowing his eyes at the four of us where we stand in the doorway. “I’m Jimmy. You’re Tango, right? We’re roommates. Ooh, nice posters!”
Tango blinks, “Oh, thanks. Yeah, I’m Tango. Just, uh, stick to that side of the room.”
Jimmy smiles, “No problem. I used to share a room with Lizzie, she’ll tell you I was great about it.”
“Nah, he’s annoying.” Lizzie says, grinning when her brother pouts at her.
“I’m perfectly lovely!” He protests, “Okay, y’know what, go find the girls’ dorms, I’m gonna get my stuff up here. Leave the car unlocked for me. And I can get to know my roommate without you idiots telling him lies about me. Shoo.”
Lizzie sighs dramatically but I am all too happy to not stay and talk to Tango, who for all I know and as far as I can tell so far might be just as grouchy as I’m worried my roommate will be. We follow Grian back out of the building and over to its neighbor, at which point Lizzie joins him in front of him with her map because he doesn’t know this one as well, though it seems to have the same layout to his own. Her room is on the fourth floor - which means mine is too - but at least it’s right next to the stairs, so it’ll be slightly easier to bring things to it. Her roommate hasn’t arrived yet, and we decide we might as well get her things up here while we’re sure it’s otherwise empty. While we’re gathering stuff from the car, we pass Jimmy, who’s getting the rest of his own things and assures us his roommate is perfectly pleasant.
There’s not much left in the car once we’ve got Lizzie’s stuff. I don’t like leaving my belongings alone here, so despite the fact I’ll basically have to carry it all myself I decide to bring it up. Then, Grian’s finally able to lock the doors and leave the car off. I feel unbalanced as soon as I’ve got all my things in my arms. Still, I’m pretty sure I can handle it until someone pulls into the carpark far too fast and I have to jump out of the way of the car, cursing under my breath. Grian grabs my arm to stabilize me, but neither of us are able to stop my bag from tumbling out of my arms and spilling a bunch of my things all over the asphalt.
“Fuck, I’ve got it, I’ve got it. Just get Lizzie’s stuff inside, I’ll meet you up there in a minute.” My brother and cousin share a glance then shrug, heading inside with the latter’s belongings. I start gathering pieces of clothing, dropped chargers, and a stick of deodorant, muttering to myself the entire time.
Suddenly I hear footsteps and look up just in time to see someone else kneeling beside me, handing me my things so I can put them properly back in the bag. I blink then thank them quietly and stuff the last piece of clothing into the top of the bag. I loop it more securely over my shoulders, on the opposite side from my messenger bag, and pick the last duffel back up. My helper offers a hand and I let him help me to my feet, wiping loose bits of asphalt from the knees of my jeans. He smiles.
“Got everything?” His voice isn’t unkind but has a teasing lilt to it, not like he’s laughing at my mishap but rather like we’re in on a joke together. The man’s eyes are a deep, rich blue, like the depths of the twilit ocean, so full of life they’re overflowing with excess warmth. His hair is dyed the cyan of a robin’s eggs and his skin is pale and freckled, colored with a natural glow. Though his clothes are simple, fit for the kind of long drive he probably took to get here, the colors match perfectly and make his hair look even more brilliant against his skin. The close-cropped pinkish purple hoodie and stonewashed maroon jeans instantly make me think there is no way this man is straight, which if the hair didn’t convince me of the glimpses of golden-brown jewelry set with fake turquoise gems on his wrists and neck definitely do. He carries himself with ease, confidence dripping from every slight gesture.
“Yup, I think so.” I respond as I realize I’ve spent half a second too long staring at him and should probably get going before I make this situation any more awkward. Of course, I’m not under any illusion a first impression matters much in this instance because next to him I’m quite forgettable, not nearly as bright and colorful. He certainly won’t remember who I am, if for some reason we ever run into each other again and he somehow decides to become my friend. Still, I’m already embarrassing myself in front of new people, and I’d rather get to somewhere I can’t do that. “Thanks.”
He opens his mouth, probably to wave away the gratitude, when someone calls what must be his name and he glances towards the source. He sighs fondly and then smiles at me. “Well, glad you didn’t lose anything important. But, hey, if you did I’m sure I’d have seen it after you left and I’d be able to keep it safe for you. You live in this building?”
I shake my head, “Next over, co-ed dorms.”
His smile grows, “Well that’s nice, that’s my building too! Good to have met someone else there early on, at least-”
“Scott!” His friend calls again, and Scott rolls his eyes in their direction. “If we don’t get Shelby to her dorm soon she’s gonna fall asleep very dramatically on me and as much as I want to be her knight in shining armor I’m very weak!”
He snorts, “I’m being summoned. See you around.”
I blink, “Oh, uh, yeah, okay. See you around?”
Huh. Okay. Was that a normal-person way of saying goodbye without being rude or did he actually mean that? Hey, maybe I am making friends!
Or maybe I’m just desperate not to be alone here, even among my family.
As soon as I’ve helped Lizzie and Grian set up Lizzie’s room, Grian and I go to find my room, just down on the other end of the hall. I shoulder my bag again, letting him carry the one that fell out in the lot, and open the door using the key the receptionist must’ve given Grian while I was too busy being anxious to pay attention. As soon as I step inside and flip on the overhead light, I realize whoever my roommate is, they’ve already set up in here.
There’s fairy lights strung from one corner of the room to the other and just above the desk on the end of the bed. There’s posters organized like collages for bands like Florence and the Machine and ABBA with small fake flowers taped onto them with washy tape. The pillows are as white as snow and the comforter is a scenic forest filled with snow, a single solitary deer mid-bound amid the pines. There’s a fluffy, circular, pastel teal rug resting under the bed, ending just past the line where the curtain would pass over, and my roommate has brought their own Ikea bookshelf made of different sized rectangular shelves and filled it with not only many a fantasy book but also almost a dozen vinyl records and two book-sized spiral notebooks covered with stickers. On the nightstand is a compact, sleek black record player.
It’s certainly not the decorations I would expect of someone I wouldn’t get along with. A few of my worries melt away a little, although I start to feel like my own lack of personal adornments might make me seem boring to this person. Grian helps me unpack and pin up my three posters, two of them from The Crane Wives and one from a Will Wood concert Grian dragged me to, which marked the beginning of a new obsession for a few months. I have way more at home, but these are the three I didn’t have time to put up in my attic room. It’ll have to do. The galaxy on my blankets, which I drew myself and then had made into a comforter, should hopefully make me seem at least a bit more interesting and colorful. As I tuck my stuffed animal, a little brown wolf I named Tilly and I had to admit I couldn’t come all the way here without, under the blanket, Grian tosses me a small box. I blink.
“Did you bring Tylenol with us? You never mentioned that!”
He shrugs, “Lizzie did when you told us about your headache this morning. It was too deep in one of her bags for us to grab on the way here, but whatever’s in there is all yours until it expires. Don’t take too much or whatever, Lizzie and Jimmy prefer you alive and I’m not sure your roomie wants to come back to find you dead on the floor.”
I roll my eyes and thank him, shooing him out so I can turn out the lights, take some of the meds, and slip under my covers, holding Tilly. I’ve always wanted a real dog. If I was to get one, I’d probably name that one Tilly too.
Despite the fact I swear to myself I’m not going to fall asleep until after my roommate gets back here, I can’t help it. I’m exhausted, my headache isn’t going away fast enough, and it’s warm and peaceful and quiet in this room. The fairy lights cast a soft glow over the room, brushing my face with golden and white shades, and when I turn my music back on it starts to play Rises the Moon, which is almost guaranteed to make me sleepy. I snuggle up with Tilly, swearing to myself I’ll wake up before my roommate returns, and slip into darkness.