Work Text:
its dark, so dark that it’s overwhelming, taking over utterly and completely, thrashing in darkness, it takes a place in the dim, empty, sad room. The blinds are shut, they are gently crammed into each other with just enough room for a hopeful glimpse of light, but that shan’t bring hope as the curtains block the way for any sunshine to take, spotlight and bring hopefulness to the dimness. The sadness is overwhelming and pressuring, its ever so deep and grueling in pain. Judgement and the will to make decisions are shrouded, and lost and were left with nothing but that grueling sadness and dim, empty, hurt room, where the blinds and curtains are shut and no light or sunshine could have a chance to debut and shine through bringing just a little bit of light to the sad room.
The world around Kim Seungmin was no more then a shroud of thick, moist mist that blocked his vision and all good, his happiness was no more then a mere, warm, cup off cheap coffee with a splash of almond milk to even out the bitter, depressing taste to it. But coffee only lasted for merely a couple minutes before it went empty, or went to cold to think about touching your lips to the ceramic rim. Instead of expressing his unruly sadness and thoughts verbally, and conveying his deepest, darkest truths to those you’d scout out for a wad of crisp, green won bills. Just to be able to speak to someone who wasn’t verbally, nor physically judging you as you spoke out your most horrible nightmares, but someone who sat there listened to everything providing calm, sensible commentary in return, and kept your problems inside, between the two of you. It was permitted to keep a patients session utterly private between you and them. But to reality that person sits there, listens nosily, judges mentally choking back an judgemental expression, and goes out and gossips to their friends not telling enough detail to get in trouble but just enough to get it through to them. Instead of that he expressed them onto a empty white canvas with various colors of cold, thick expensive paints slathered on rough, bristles edges to swiped along and fill the canvas up with life. Only if it worked that way with life, just a swipe of the colorful paint brush and your life is filled with beauty like how a canvas is filled with a beautiful painting. He expressed his emotions through paint, and a coffee with a splash of milk. That gave him just enough motivation to pull himself out of his bed and go on with life like he had for the last twenty years of it.
But paint on a canvas isn’t enough to fix a empty heart, and a sad man. Its just enough to help cover that sad up, he’s like a blank canvas nothing to live for, nothing to smile about, and nothing to be happy for. And that paint, it spread across and covered every crack, every edge, and every heartache. It was his own shield to cover the sadness, and despair. Just a fake mask to cover up his pain and sorrow for another rainy day.
But wait, suddenly somewhere far off, the wind blows again from a gentle whistle through despair-filled valley, the sound of the sandstorm reaches the branches up way high and with that his heart has the will to flutter with the desire to love someone again as a pair of deep brown fox eyes the sweetest of chocolates meet his in a crowded art gallery. It makes his heart throb, dream, and yearn love deeply, and lastingly. We sleep, rest, and dwell in our momentary joy to recharge ourselves so that we can return to the cruel world full of grueling pain, so that we can have new dreams, yearn for new things, and love once again deeply, and lastingly. Suddenly that canvas filled in thick, dark, deep paint, a crack forms a small, tiny crack, the paint chips off and crumbles onto the floor. And the room the dark, empty, sad room the curtains slightly part and sunshine peaks through the crammed together blinds in hopes for something new, and lastingly.
“quite extraordinary aye?”, the fox eyed man asks Seungmin with a smirk playing out on his lips tugging the edges upwards, and dimples form in his cheeks gently poking inwards, as his eyes slightly scrunch up into crescent moons. Seungmin studies the man for a moment, his posture, his breathing patterns, his habit of touching his ear one to many times, and his nervous gentle smile. His gaze reverts back to the beautifully crafted painting hanged on the wall. It was artistic, abstract, and endlessly overwhelming in ravishingly blended colors. He studies it a moment longer noticing the small details, how the colors formed in a dark monition of a reversed rainbow.
“To be quite frank I can’t begin to comprehend it.”, he admitted his eyes looking back to fox eyes who smiled bigger his dimples going deeper as he sighed looking back to the wall.
“it represents our automatic assumptions, of hope and order, forcing us to look further beneath the surface level and find beauty in life’s chaotic, inverted realities.”, fox eyes explains his eyes soft as he stared at the abundance of colors. The colors bursting in his face, it splashed and clashed to be frank, but it did ever so beautifully. It was ravishing messy piece of art.
“you understand it so well, do explain your secrets.”, he said gently as he stared away from fox eyes gentle side profile. The man had a sharp jawline, prompt hollowed cheeks, a straight nose, and soft red flaked lips.
“there's nothing behind understanding the painting itself, abstract art for me personally doesn’t need understanding I’ll just stare and reasoning comes to me. The emotions are painted with the colors.”, fox eyes explained gentle, his voice calm in thought as his eyes continued to scan across.
Seungmin didn’t understand a word that exited the mans plush lips. He was much to infatuated with those sweet brown eyes, and the strong smell of musky cologne to hear a single word. Fox eyes turned his head when he felt eyes digging into him, he smiled gently his pearly teeth showing and his dimples deeper then Seungmin physically thought was possible, and his eyes scrunched to slits. Suddenly he froze from embarrassment and he prayed his ears weren’t as red as they felt. His heart skipped a beat and suddenly everything froze, and all the voices were drowned out by his thumping heart and nerves.
“names Jeongin, Yang Jeongin.”
Rain spewed down from the dewy nighttime sky, thrashing the thousands of colorful leaves marking the trees, the grass drenched in the crystal raindrops. Little kids ran through the neighborhood stomping in puddles in their colorful generic rain gear screaming and giggling loud and joyously. The little red clock on the wall above the bookshelf of exquisite art pieces ticked carefully as the morning carried on quiet in the dim, dark, living room. Seungmin sat in a white arm chair his knees pressed into his chest as he stared out the foggy window with raindrops streaming down into pools onto the sill then running down the stone wall. He exhaled quietly his eyes half lidded as he looked down at his knees before then to his coffee mug stained in paint, filled in coffee, and a splash of milk. He thought about picking it up to take a drink, but he didn’t feel like swallowing the bitter liquid so instead he stares back to the window watching the little children through the cracked blinds kick puddles of rain water at each-other and laugh. His head fell sideways against the chair as his eyes fill in gloom, and blur. His heart ached, that laughter and happiness isn’t bestowed upon him is it? He can’t find it in him to crack a smile as he stares, and stares till his eyes burn too much to keep open so he blinks as his eyes water from keeping them open. His heart skipped a beat when two hands settled onto the top of his head, he stiffened all though that sweet scent was to familiar to get stiff at when he had who it belonged to memorized and stored deep in his heart filling it to the brim and spilling out. Suddenly he felt a surge of happiness.
He tilted his head backwards gazing up to fox eyes staring down at him gently, “good morning.”, he said through a soft, surprised tone letting his head fall back down as a soft kiss was planted into his hair and a hum was used in response. He turned his head when Jeongin walked away from him to the kitchen.
“sleep good?”, he asked his eyes shiny and a small smile curling up on his lips as he admired the mans half lidded eyes and slightly bloated face from sleep, and his flat bed head and random hair sticking up. It brought a full fledged smile to his lips. Jeongin yawned gently, he yawned like how a fox did, soft, cute, and a varied yip whine ratio, “mhm, would’ve been better if you didn’t leave at five am.”, he commented staring Seungmin down scolding as he walked back over sitting down onto the the white arm chair across from the elder man who was obliviously more awake then him.
“sorry I really just couldn’t sleep.”, Seungmin shrugged his shoulders with a grunt, “you suck.”, Jeongin mumbled bitterly grabbing the elders cup of coffee it was warm against his hand as he pressed the rim to his lips taking a sip immediately regretting it. Seungmin laughed when Jeongins face went from blank to, confused, to disgust, “Jeong your reactions are priceless.”, he smiled big his own eyes scrunching up, not as far as the foxes did but far enough, and his eyes shiny.
Jeongin squinted his eyes, “what manic drinks there coffee so bitter?”, he scoffed crossing his legs, Seungmin shrugged, “someone of us can just handle it better unlike some people.”, he answered with a sappy smile side eyeing the younger man, “go fuck yourself.”, Jeongin said in a exhaled chuckle, “go put a shirt on.”, Seungmin retorted pushing his boyfriend in the bare chest teasingly.
Jeongins eyes narrowed down into small slits that really defined his so called foxy face as he looked the elder man straight into those big brown eyes of his, he held his gaze still as Seungmin stared back his lips twitching with laughter he choked down, swallowing whole, “are your eyes even open?”, he joked resetting his face to something serious, yet the mischievous glimmer in his deep brown eyes spoke otherwise. It tore the serious from his face and instead it was something gentle, and playful. Jeongins teeth sank into his bottom lip the sharpness piercing the soft pink flesh, as his eyes flickered with a hint of lingering amusement, he let out a gentle scoff that layered against his knuckles sitting straight, fixing his posture to stay efficient and reliable.
“yes, they are open.”, he said waving his hand dismissively in the path of the elder man, letting his eyelids lessen and his eyes grow in size. Seungmin snorted in response grabbing his paint stained coffee mug and allowing the warm liquid to enter his mouth, he shuddered before sitting it down swallowing.
“i don’t know if I should be offended or not.”, Jeongin said hooking the sentence on with the last, Seungmin sighed as his legs slid off the armchair to sit straight down and his feet to touch the floor to its fullest, “I was just joking, stop being dense.”, he shrugged his shoulders calmly reaching over to run his fingers into the younger mans black hair and ruffling it rather rougher then he would’ve wanted it to go. Jeongin grumbled in annoyance, a frown covering up that smile he had on earlier as he reached up and curled his fingers around the mans wrist pulling them away from his already messy hair and pressing a gentle kiss into his soft palm. He scrunched his nose in disgust as he got a taste of chemicals on his lips, “it taste like lotion.”, he commented dropping the elder mans hands wiping his lips off. Seungmin exhaled a chuckle, “so observant of you.”, he responded getting onto his feet and grabbing his coffee mug to dump the old cold liquid out.
“where are you going?”, Jeongin asked curiosity in his tone as he watched the dark liquid splash down into the sink and down the drain, “I just got the urge to go finish painting.”, Seungmin muttered going to leave for the studio, “no kiss goodbye?”, Jeongin gasped offended, “nope, I’ll see you at the studio.”, Seungmin smiled as he grabbed his bag opening the door, “don’t forget your key.”, Jeongin reminded, “don’t forget your shirt.”, Seungmin retorted as he shut the door out into the cold, rainy yard, the green grass was flooding in water, at least the flowers wouldn’t watering this morning to say the least. The good side of rain.
He opened up the car door sliding into the leather seats with a deep indulged sigh, he stared at the foggy rain blurred windows for a moment before actually putting the car key into the keyhole and twisting it to a start.
“yo, Kim Seungmin.”, a sharp eyed individual says as he took wide steps forward his pants sagging to where he stepped on the bottoms with his converse when he walked. He squinted his eyes nibbling at his bottom lip, and itching the edges of his eyebrow piercing staring at the painting his co worker has been working so hard at endlessly for the last few days. Seungmin let a hum escape his lips in response as he gently stroked his paint brush across the canvas before looking back at his elder, “yeah Hyunjin Hyung?”, he responded, “paint on your face.”, the man known as Hyunjin points out with a friendly enough smile as he gazes back at the painting pointing to it, tilting his head. It was of a man sitting in the window the sun rays hitting his face perfectly, he wore just plain clothing cargo jeans, and a simple wine red sweater, he had black hair necks length, and a charming side profile, “who’s this?”, he asked thoroughly intrigued as Seungmin wiped paint he must’ve rubbed on from his hand with a rough hand towel.
“it may or may not be Jeongin.”, he admitted as if it was a crime to paint his boyfriend onto canvas with paint. He felt inspired this morning to sketch his boyfriend out and paint him, he just got a sudden urge to do so, he might as well do it if the material and the man he wanted to paint was all infront of him at once.
“Yang Jeongin?”, Hyunjin asked with a smirk as he looked at the painting further scouting out all that resembles the fox eyed man, who happened to be the youngest in this studio in all.
Seungmin itched the back of his head nervously not daring to look Hyunjin the eye afterwards to embarrassed to do so, “oh your such a simp.”, the elder man laughed hitting the younger mans shoulder thoroughly amused by it, “so whens the wedding?”, he chortled, “fuck off, what did you need?”, Seungmin said in annoyance holding his head in his hands rubbing his temples with a frown.
“oh thank you for lending me this I’ve come to return it!”, Hyunjin smiled handing over a half used paint tube.
“dude, I gave you this in 2025 its 2026.”, Seungmin whined taking the tube and setting it down, “your welcome lover boy, tell your husband I said hello.”, Hyunjin cackled waving as he walked away. Seungmin rolled his eyes, it was troublesome being in a relationship when there were constant idiots are all around your work area bothering you without a care in the world for your feelings, or thoughts. He sighed as he looked at the painting grabbing his paint brush back noticing the missing mole of on Jeongins neck wiping the paint brush off to fix that mistake carefully. He dipped it in the right shade then gently dabbed a dot onto the canvas perfecting his mole. Even if no one else would notice that it wasn’t there it bothered him that it wasn’t, because every part of Jeongin was beautiful and he didn’t want to leave beautiful things off a painting of a gorgeous man. He somehow felt less tense as he finally could configure his Yang Jeongin from that painting, it wasn’t exactly perfect but perfect to look at and think of the fox eyed man. He smiled softly as he looked across the canvas it wasn’t finished just yet, there were still many small details to add. He heard the door to the studio open he didn’t bother looking back to discover who it was only grabbed his pallet and some new paint to mix a shade to exact the shading of the wine colored sweater he exhaled picturing Jeongins pretty wine sweater he stole from him last week. He sighed adding a small amount of black into the mix of red darkening it. He flinched his paint brush flinging upwards and the paint splashing onto white t-shirt in a gasp when someone put a hand on his shoulder, “God you woke up and chose to be jumpy today.”, a familiar voice commented, Seungmin tilted his head back seeing Jeongin.
“sorry, warn me next time you plan to sneak up on me.”, he grumbled looking down at his shirt, “dammit.”, he huffed, “stop wearing white shirts to work dumbass.”, Jeongin mumbled ruffling the elder mans hair and walking to the other side as his work place was purposely next to his boyfriend. “your fault.”, Seungmin scoffed, all his white shirts had paint stains and not just white ones every shirt he owned it was practically useless buying new ones they got messy whether, he was painting, or cooking, he was just a mess.
“Jeong face me while you work today please.”, he requested with a hum, the younger man listened without question re adjusting himself in a proper position so he could still manage to work and look towards his boyfriend grabbing his sketch book to find a new design for a new painting hopefully.
Seungmin exhaled, did he need a reference? Not to be exact he already knew Jeongins face after staring at it for three years straight he knew everything, he could sit for hours and stare at it and ignore his work for a good view. He didn’t today he took small glances and then continued his painting process matching colors to match his boyfriends features.
The sun was setting now, warm golden shades painted pretty like a painting in the sky, it was one of the most ravishing paintings of all. A earthly one at that.
Seungmin sighed as Hyunjin began packing his things up to leave now after everyone else had went, “see you two Wednesday.”, Hyunjin said saluting like a marine solider before he left the door shutting behind him heavy.
Seungmin exhaled as he stared at the painting try to decipher what was missing, he frowned then looked at his boyfriend, “chin up.”, he said gesturing his hand upwards. Jeongin listened setting his sketch book down stilling for his boyfriend. His eyes traced down the elder mans jawline curving down at the chubby yet sharpness of it. Then up to his rosy gentle cheeks, to his crease around his mouth and his pink plush lips, how his top lip was slightly smaller then the bottom one, then to the ring piercing on the pink, plush flesh it was sliver and sparkled in the sunlight. Up to his big deep brown chocolate eyes that had a gentle gleam in them, and one was slightly lidded and lazier then the other, then down his button nose, to his philtrum and then back to his soft lips. Up to his eyes when the elder man looked his way and their eyes sank into each others calmly. He felt himself falling deeper in this moment before Seungmin looked away from him, “what are you so focused on?”, he asked getting to his feet and walking around the table separating them and standing behind his boyfriend putting his arms around the elder mans shoulders staring across the canvas it looked fuller last he saw it, “is that suppose to be me?”, he asked in surprise noticing the perfect detailing, and the shaping that looked similar to his, and that red sweater it was his and somehow always went missing from his side of the closet, “supposed to be.”, Seungmin murmured as if disappointed in himself, Jeongin smiled, “I feel so loved.”, he commented resting his head on top of his boyfriends fluffy black head of hair staring at all the tiny details he himself wouldn’t even of remembered to paint into the portrait, “its not done.”, seungmin murmured, “I’m going now, don’t stay to long.”, Jeongin sighed pushing his boyfriends head back and pecking his lips gently, a small brush of lips he shuddered when he felt the cold lip piercing sting into his warm lips, “okay, see you at home.”, the elder man nodded looking back to his painting his eyes scanning it carefully. A gentle frown tugging down at the corners of his lips covering his soft, sweet, smile earlier as the door that lead in here shut close in a soft, creaking, rumble.
He stared at it and couldn’t feel the satisfaction he had been craving, he desperately craved the feeling of contentment and success, something other then this. He woke up every morning at four am on the dot, laid there in the silent, coldness in till a hour passed, then he forced himself to his feet and made coffee with a splash of milk, sat in the window watching as everyone outside slowly began their morning as he sat there while his coffee sat untouched and grew cold. He sat there silent, in his momentary peace before Jeongin awoken and greeted him a kind good morning before he left for work, worked hard on a painting he himself couldn’t find any pride or contentment in, stared at in discontent then left for home, and repeated the process over again. He felt no purpose lately, he felt like there was no point to wake up every morning just to experience a day of displeasure and discontentment. He stared at the painting a frown hurting his face, and disappointment aching at him like it did on a usual day.
Rain stained the windows, running down in various streams pooling into a swiftly flowing river dripping down the window sill and down the stone walling of the house. The sky was clouded in gray splotches angrily shrouding the sunshine away, as soon it slowly got darker, and sadder out.
Seungmin laid his head against his arm as his gaze stared out the fogged up, blurry window in silence. He traced every stream down, as he occasionally glanced upwards to Jeongin who rolled up his sleeves and slowly, but thoroughly washed the dishes with patience, and silence. He stared as the younger man sat the dishes to dry, and rinsed them with a certain glimmer in his eyes, one he never yet had. It was hopeful, kind, and warm. He didn’t own that soft gleam, he didn’t even own a speck. He owned blank, lifeless eyes, not hopeful, kind, warm ones. It put him in a state of realization, exactly why did Yang Jeongin pick him? He wasn’t anything new, and shiny. Nothing to get excited over, nor to fawn over with shining eyes. His point was he wasn’t anything seemingly interesting, or good. So why did a man such as Yang Jeongin pick him, a lousy artist who didn’t even have good enough skills to be acclaimed as the profession itself.
Jeongin, he was everything, he was sweet in every way, he was bubbly always carrying a soft sweet smile across his lips and a warm welcoming expression, thoughtful endlessly thoughtful, he was gentle held everything like it meant something to him and was fragile, his laugh was wonderful it lit up a room that broke into contagious laughter, his eyes were a never ending softness and warmness, he was clumsy in a silly way he would smile at himself thoroughly amused as he proceeded to trip over his feet, he was confident he carried pride in his step, and he had a voice that made Seungmin warm, he loved the warm feeling it was unfamiliar to him yet he loved that feeling it made him feel something, something other then blankness. Oh how did you begin to explain how wonderful Yang Jeongin was, you couldn’t just throw together a couple words into a sentence and end it there. He was truly everything. And for that it pressed a piercing question, why did Yang Jeongins eyes find him in a crowded art gallery? It had him stumped. His eyes soften when the younger man looked his way kindly shining his light his way, and allowing him to feel his warmth again, “why are you staring at me?”, Jeongin said a smile appearing on his plush lips as his dimples showed poking inwards, and his eyes gently curved into half circles staring back into the mans soft, brown eyes.
Seungmin stared deep in thought, there wasn't a answer in reply just a soft gentle gaze.
He was terrifed to let Jeongin in because what if he knew him more and saw his physical and emotional scars that he's gathered through the years like an magnet that pulled in metal. He's a magnet that pulls in pain, what if Jeongin learned him better and he loved Seungmin less. When he sees Seungmins body, instead of staring in awe and counting all the freckles and moles he have on his shoulders, he'll count the faded scars on the thighs and forearms.
Will Jeongin kiss the soft parts of him, or ignore the parts he tried to carve his sadness away with shaking hands the nights he stared at the ceiling thinking what was keeping him.
He was afraid if Jeongin undressed him and saw his brusies and vurnable scars he'll love him less, and worse of all if Jeongin undresses his mind he wont love him anymore. Because his brain isn't just a soft peaceful pink organ floating around in his skull, its a sick suicidal place, its broken and damaged to the core and wont shut up.
If Jeongin saw his darkest deepest parts of himself. The ones that take place in a dark room groveling for the pain to go away, would he want him still?
When Jeongins see his scars, would he hold him tight and kiss every individual one carefully, or would he throw him to the side like used goods and lock the door behind him?
Would Jeongin still trace his jaw with his fingertips layering it with teasing kisses? If he knew how many times Seungmin stood infront of the broken shattered mirror at the distorted image he's made of himself and argue about how much longer he can hold on?
If Jeongin saw how quick he spiraled, how much his brain overthinks every minor detail, how his day is ruined when hd thinks too hard about something someone said and he shut down, will he love him less because he is too much? Or will he hold him and whisper bittersweet comforting lines into his ears.
He didnt just want to be desired, or praised for his looks, he wanted to be understood. And he is terrified that understanding him comes with a cost, understanding his mind is an suicide mission. He is afraid if Jeongin knows him more both mental and physical, he'll love him less
Knowing the bruises he had, how his mind works in such an chaotic jungle that reeks of death and despair way. And one day Jeongin will know him completely, and there will be nothing left for him to love.
Because he is a broken used object and that is truly unlovable.
Will he love him still? Even with his imperfections.
He is terrifed.
Will Jeongins eyes still light up bright and beautiful when Seungmin spoke?
Or will they remain cold and empty of love only full of disgust and hate.
Will Jeongin still smile when he see's Seungmin.
Or will he turn his head with a frown and wave the older away dismissively.
What will he do when he learns all of Seungmin, learn his body? He's petrified at that day. But like all days, they come at some point in time.
So he awaits the day when Jeongin learns his deepest, darkest parts.
He'll continue to wait with overthought explanations he prepared over time, with tears in his eyes explaing to an fake perfect image he's made of Jeongin in his mind groveling at his feet to not leave like the rest have when they truly got to know his every part.
And that day when it comes years, even days from now he will be terrifed, but ready to lose Jeongin.
Because nothing good lasts. Withers away when you think it'll stay.
"Why are you looking at me for silly?", Jeongin smiled gently allowing his head to tilt to the side as warm water ran down his hands washing away the soap into the sink down the drain. Finally Seungmin was snapped from his head and his eyes finally reconnected with fox ones that stared at him confused.
"Sorry..", he murmured awkwardly turning his head away to his hands on his lap, his fingers curling into his pants tightly as his muscles tensed, and his eyes went soft with a certain sadness over top them. He looked almost lifeless in the moment like how a animal looked when they died, he had a cloudly blurr over his eyes yet he could see perfectly.
He grinded his teeth together as the water turned off connecting to the sink.
This was more then cheap, cold, coffee with a splash of milk.
"Seungmin.", Jeongin said drying his hands off with a moist dish rag staring at the older man who seemed like.. he was lost, like he wasn't here- mentally.
He was here physically his body sat there the same, but he looked like his soul was somewhere else.
He nibbled at his bottom lip slapping the rag down onto the counter staring at his boyfriend in worry.
He knew Seungmin had always been out of it, he couldn't pin point in which way, or what was wrong but he could tell. Whatever it was it seemed painful. It seemed like it hurt to feel it, and be that way.
"You here?", he asked wiping his hands more on his shirt as he walked over taking light swift steps over.
"Hey.", he said again trying to gather the mans attention.
Seungmin looked up slowly, "hm?", he let out in response looking at his boyfriend, confused how he got here from the sink so quickly. He glanced into the kitchen then back to that fox gaze.
"Whats up with you lately hmm?", Jeongin asked lifting Seungmins chin up gently brushing his thumb against his lips before retreating his hand away to his waist.
"You were okay earlier, what's wrong?", he asked.
Seungmin stared at Jeongin, he stared across his face gently.
How did he achieve Yang Jeongin he wondered? How did he get such a beautiful, empathetic, sweet man to fall in love with him.
Out of all people him.
"Jeongin, why do you like me?", he asked out of the blue looking up to the youngers face as rain poured down heavier ramming against the window.
Why.
Jeongin stared into Seungmins deep brown doe eyes warmly. He sighed gently pulling the other arm chair behind him close, sitting down his knees pressed against Seungmins who looked at him searching him for answers desperately.
"Whats this about?", he asked grabbing the elders hands in his rubbing them together gently.
He didn't get it. One moment Seungmin was smiling and joking around, the next we were here, where he was lifeless and sad.
"What is there to love about me Jeongin..", Seungmin asked leaning back in his seat the corners of his lips tugging down as hot tears played in his eyes, his gaze reverting to the window that dripped in angry rain.
"Oh dont say that Seungmin.", Jeongin said seriously his eyes saddening and a frown playing out on his lips, he looked at his boyfriends sour face and couldn't believe those words.
There were endless things to love about him, and he couldn't just say them all in one go, it'd take him hours to write down each one. There were to many to count.
"Well for starters your pretty brown eyes.", he said gently guiding Seungmins face straight to look at him properly, kindly rubbing his thumbs across the elders hands.
Seungmin thought his eyes were bland.
"Your blunt, savage humor, that no one ever understands, I still think its hilarious.", Jeongin hummed gently leaning his face down and kissing one of Seungmins fingers.
"I love how passionate you are when it comes to your absolutely stunning paintings.", he murmured kissing another finger, thinking about that painting the elder had began in the studio earlier of him. He was grateful, and felt important to be able to be painted. It meant he was doing something right, to be liked enough for a whole portrait.
"I love how hardworking, and diligent you are about everything.", he said pressing one more long kiss to another finger before lifting his head up stopping at the middle one.
"everything about you is amazing, your so beautiful, and talented, and I love you so much so dont be so hard on yourself okay?", he said a gentle smile appearing on his lips staring Seungmin in the eyes, who made it clear with his expression he didn't believe any of it.
And he didn't, he couldn't, he heard the compliment but they were nothing more then meek words. They didn't reach him, they went through one ear and out the other. He didn't see himself that way, he wasn't beautiful, and his painting weren't all the praise people said they were, he was lazy not hardworking or diligent.
He didn't believe a single word, not a single one.
He couldn't see himself how Jeongin saw him, or atleast claimed too. He could stand infront of a mirror and he wouldn't see anything amazing or deserving of praise.
Just himself, himself that was littered in brusies, and scars that were engraved into his skin hot and piercing, they were like a memory telling him he was broken, like he was horrible, like he deserved every bit. It was a grueling memory that reminded him of all that pain he left behind, that slowly began to resurface. He couldn't help the tears that began to well in his eyes, and he couldn't feel worse about Jeongins worried face as his lips moved when he spoke but Seungmin heard nothing but the sound of his heart ramming against his ribcage.
Something was wrong with him there had to be, why couldn't he escape this terrible, terrible feeling. It hurt, it hurt so fucking bad. Once he thought it was gone and he could be happy, be normal like everyone, live a normal life like everyone else. He couldn't because it all came back in a huge wave that hit harder, and harder each time.
Its like he was stuck, locked in a infinite loop that he couldn't escape no matter how hard he tried, and how desperately he searched for a route out.
He couldn't escape, he was stuck.
Fucking stuck.
And he couldn't get out.
"I'm sorry..", he apologized in a stutter using his palms to wipe the tears out from his eyes.
Jeongin shook his head rubbing his boyfriends shoulder in reasurance his heart dropping as tears streamed down the elders face.
The rain calmed, as slowly the storm passed by. The thunders rumbling crys went silent as the sky dried its tears, and it was peaceful outside again.
Seungmins body imprinted against the bed, sinking into a perfect mold that would be left in wrinkles on the clean, moist, white bed sheets when he got up. His breaths were gentler then before, slower and steadier.
They calmed as he stared at Jeongins wonderfully beautiful face who laid beside him. Admiring his every aspect.
His hollowed out cheeks bones that had a natural blush painted across, his pretty plump lips that were soft and plush, his deep brown fox shapes eyes that were so shiny, with such a soft sweet hopefullness tucked away. He wished to obtain that too.
It wasn't that he wasn't happy.. because he was happy. He was endlessly happy waking up to Jeongin next to him every morning and falling asleep with him there. It was.. just hard.. his mind was intoxicating. Eatting at him every moment of every day, like a migraine that never went away it was always there pounding against his skull progressing intill he broke then it restarted all over again in the same grueling process.
He was used to the process, it was a regular thing, but this time he couldn't hold himself back. Keep those emotions inside. It was too loud.
"Hi.", Jeongin murmured gently his eyes scanning across his boyfriends face in carefullness.
"Hi.", Seungmin responded his voice quiet gently squeezing the younger mans hand he held against his pillow near his face.
The bed dipped as Jeongin scooted closer, using his free hand to cup the side of Seungmins cheek carefully holding his soft face in his hand delicately. Their breath colided together fanning over eachothers faces, moist against his skin.
"You know I love you right?", he asked his eyes wandering around Seungmins face eventually stopping at his eyes as he gently tucked hair behind the elders ear who stared a moment longer before shifting his eyes away.
He couldn't begin to describe his love for Seungmin, it was passionate, sweet, and lastingly.
He traced his eyes around Seungmins face outline,
He observed how deep brown the elders eyes were, how they pooled with overflowing emotion and a overwhelming feeling he couldn't explain, or form a proper sentence to describe. His own eyes softend as they traced down the mans slim nose, down to the rounded tip. Then traveling to his soft fulled cheeks carefully pinpointing his noticeable cheekbones.
They wandered to the defined jawline of the mans tracing all around to the other side and finally back to his soft doe eyes he could stare at for hours and get lost in, then down onto his plush lips, such an defined cupids bow. He noticed the natural rosy tint to it. His eyes traveled upwards back to the elder man who now had a rosy tint across his face aswell.
"Mn-", Seungmin nodded in response slightly moving his head against the pillow looking back into the younger mans eyes.
"Promise?", Jeongin said holding his pinkie out.
Seungmin smiled gently, "your ridiculous.", he commented following the action along hooking their small fingers together.
"I love you.", Jeongin repeated, "I love you too.", Seungmin responded in a quiet murmur as slowly Jeongins soft lips slotted against his lips, gentle.
It wasn't anything big or fancy, a small gentle kiss that spoke more then words did.
Once they separated their foreheads rested together gently as their eyes scan eachother again, memorizing, and tracing in admiration. Holding eachother close in affection, and care.
It was beginning to get cold out, the land was yet again in a drowsy haze the land began to frost over as snowflakes fluttered down.
Seungmin sat in his usual spot on the arm chair by the window with a sketch book in his hand and colored pencils next to him.
He knew he should probably take a break from this his hands callused and lead staining his finger tips as he busily worked the red into the paper, scratching away carefully.
Drawing, or just art in general was one of his many ways of leaving the world, and his worries behind and getting stuck in a much more, calmer, quieter place.
His train of thought wasn't as bad, because here his head, instead of criticizing himself focused on what came next and calculated what he could add to make it better. Afterwards was when the criticism hit down. He turned the pencil around to erase carefully pressing the soft, gummy, texture to the thick piece of paper gently hiding his mistake then brushing the scraps of eraser onto the floor as the blow dryer that had been going for awhile now turned off, it went quiet in the background for a moment.
Then he flinched when a hand touched his shoulder whipping his head back in absolute shock his heart pounding, "sorry, you've been really jumpy lately.", Jeongin chuckled awkwardly.
He's noticed a pattern, his boyfriends been alot of things lately jumpy was just one, he was just going through something he supposed and when Seungmin was ready to tell him, he was ready. He wouldn't push because that wouldn't get anywhere, his boyfriend was as stubborn as could be and pushing would only make it worse.
He looked at the drawing of a ladybug, on a window sill out in the rain in Seungmins hands, it was colored in and endlessly shaded in all the right places.
"Whats the lady bug mean?", Jeongin asked gently stroking his hand down his boyfriends arm carefully, as he observed the piece of art and the beauty of it. The shading, and the proportions.
It was truly stunning.
Seungmin liked to think, a lady bug on the window sill in the rain was a sob story. A desperate tiny creature yearning for safety, and stability so they come to the closet place they know for warmth, and shelter. But as they discover the window is shut they sit there with no where else to go, flying wasn't in the cards, and neither was crawling. They sat there terrifed of a raindrop landing on them, a raindrop that was much to heavy for them to carry. They sit there afraid of death watching the inside where they wished to be sheltered. But couldn't.
As soon a rain drop hits the lady bug is dead.
Crushed to a pulp as more rain hammers down on its corpse.
"It doesn't mean anything... its just a lady bug.", he explained, his face painted in a warm blush as his boyfriend caressed his skin kindly.
"Well, your ladybug is very pretty.", Jeongin nodded, it was a odd thing to draw.
For Seungmin atleast who hated bugs for the life of him.
But he shrugged it off, and leaned down and kissed the elders shoulder.
So it was a story of death.
Was it wrong Seungmin ultimately chose to draw this.. he didn't know.
A tiny bug facing a heavy storm was his way of showing vurnablity and how fragile life was.
And how easily it went and came.
He shrugged it off for the most part.
"Hey, Min can we talk real quick.", Jeongin asked his eyes had heart break, and burden in them. Seungmin tilted his head backwards confused, but willingly setting his sketchbook to the side console and moving his colored pencils, and pencil sharpener with it.
"Hm?", he asked adjusting himself on the chair so his feet hit the ground as Jeongin sat down across from him, he looked nervous and he was tense.
What was happening.
Automatically he straightened up aswell, studying his boyfriends body language carefully, trying to figure it out before being told. Did he do something wrong? Crossed his mind.
"Look, this is not the right time for this, not at all.", Jeongin inhaled through his teeth, he looked sad.
Really sad.
Seungmins heart accelerated staring at the younger man sheepishly who shifted around unable to keep still untill a exhale escaped his lips.
"Umm- my familys been struggling here lately with some health related issues.", Jeongin began grinding his teeth staring his boyfriend in the eyes with all seriousness.
It just made Seungmin more nervous.
"And- my mom is really sick, and my dad isn't around. No relatives live near..", Jeongin began, his eyes were wet, and glossy as he tried to fish words out of his throat struggling. It was clear he was struggling.
"She was diagnosed with some type of cancer, and she needs someone to come take care of her.", it was obvious now what he was trying to say.
His mother lived in Korea, meanwhile here they were in America.
"I need to.. fly to Korea and take care of her.", he finally spit out, "and it wont be just for a little while Seungmin.. I'm going to have to move there. It isn't a short process with these things.", he added on swallowing his tears, when he saw Seungmins face drop into something that he hasn't seen before.
He's seen Seungmin sad, or upset, but this was different, he looked mortified almost.. he looked like he just got his heart torn out. His eyes were littered in tears, his lips gently parted as if confused, and his eyebrows creased some.
"Your moving back to Korea?", he asked his voice smaller then before in a stutter.
Jeongin grabbed his boyfriends hand in his, "yeah.. i am..", he said nodding his head pressing his lips into a thin line.
"I'm so sorry Seungmin.", he apologized gently.
This was the worse part he could barely manage to say without hot tears stinging his eyes, "we can't be together anymore.. i dont know how long I'll be gone and I refuse to make you wait for me.", he said his voice cracked in utter pain, and misery as he watched as the elder mans face turned into something more then simple tears.
Seungmin couldn't believe what he heard, they were breaking up?
So that was it.
He knew he shouldn't of felt betrayed, Jeongins mother had fucking cancer he should've been comforting his boyfriend and reassuring him telling him it was okay and that he loved him.
But instead he had no words.
This was what broke him, he was already broken but this shattered him.
Did Jeongin not want him after all?
Did Jeongin discover his deepest secret the one that kept him awake at night? Did he..
Was that, what made him leave, he couldn't help but wonder.
He would've waited if he was told, he would've waited patiently but yet they couldn't be together. This was the end of them?
It pained him, he's faced much worse then a breakup and yet this was the most grueling pain he's ever endured. For once his head was quiet and all he could do is let tears roll down his face as Jeongin hugged him in hopes of comforting him. His heart ached, it hurt, and felt like he had gotten stabbed.
Of course he didn't know how that felt.. but the comparison felt just right.
It hurt so bad.
It was like his whole world had crumbled as he sobbed into Jeongins shoulder who he knew was crying aswell but couldn't find strength to comfort him. Only cry. And cry. And cry.
I guess they were right, your first break up is the worse one.
The car door slammed shut, as thunder rumbled in the distance.
Seungmins whole body hurt, his mind hurt, and his heart hurt.
He felt intoxicated, and damaged. He was already damaged but now it was more then some body distortion, and bruises, and scars for him.
It was heartbreak, and despair. He felt like he was mourning something he lost, like this was funeral watching Jeongin pack his things in the car to leave him.
He didn't want this house to be empty again, he didn't want to go back to waking up alone, and going to bed alone.
The paint on the canvas looked old.
"Are you sure you dont want me to come with you to the airport?", he asked Jeongin who had just finished walking back inside.
"I'm sure, I'll have Hyunjin bring the car back dont worry yourself with it.", the younger man reasured.
He didn't want it to be a burden to drive home in a silent car, alone, with the thought of driving away and leaving them behind in a crowded airport.
He didn't want Seungmin to cry over the steering wheel as he waited for the light to turn green.
If he would break, Jeongin wanted him to break somewhere safe, somewhere familar, and somewhere warm.
But a empty house wasn't warm in Seungmins eyes, a empty house was a burden, he didn't want to go back to a empty, cold, dark house. He didn't want to drink cold, cheap coffee every morning, that was bitter, too bitter for him but he still drank it anyway.
He didn't want to be alone.
Before it was barable but now he's had a taste of how wonderful it is with someone by your side.
".. I need to get going.", Jeongin mumbled gently pulling the elder man into his arms. He wished he could go back and name the man off as his boyfriend, or a partner, but now he couldn't he was no more then a ex, but a ex he loved still, one he didn't want to let go, one he still needed and yearned for, and one he would love for a long time.
Seungmin frowned against the younger mans shoulder, he swallowed back his tears. Not intill Jeongin left, he told himself carefully.
Their skin burned against eachothers, as they held their sweet, embrace as long as they could wishing for longer, but they both knew they couldn't afford longer.
If they did longer, they wouldn't let go they would continue to hold eachother close, like a silent love confession. Eventually the plane would take off without Jeongin in it, and neither of them would regret it if it meant they could have longer together in eachothers arms, in eachothers embrace, and a little longer holding eachothers hearts. But sadly they returned back to reality, remembering it wasn't all that simple as they hand back their hearts and retreat.
Jeongin gently cupped the mans face in his hand their foreheads rested together as his heart beated with a content sadness. He was content to have known this man, and content to have the exprience of holding him close during the tough times, and making him laugh during good ones. Yet the sadness of leaving that overpowered the contentment and were left with sorrow.
"I love you.", he spoke gently his eyes searching Seungmins for reciprocation, their love was mutal still right?
"I love you too.", Seungmin responded his voice hoarse, and stained in despair.
This was pitful, miserable.
He truly thought this was the end, it was the most gut wrenching exprience.
"Remember it okay?", Jeongin sniffled as he gently tucked hair behind the elders ear.
Seungmin nodded, "yeah..", he said, both their eyes were neither dry, but nor streaming in tears.
They met in the middle in mutalness, a mutal depression.
"Okay.", Jeongin sniffled pulling back, "um- I'll let you know when I land.", he said his fist balling, he swallowed, his adams apple bobbing as he turned to leave for the car.
Seungmin could barely hold it together, he was seconds away from bawling, he just wanted it to be over already. He hated this for the life of him, make it stop.
Then Jeongin turned back around and walked back over pulling him forward by the waist and slotting their lips together as tears fell from his eyes.
Seungmins eyebrows creased as their tears were conjoined and he brought his hands to cradle the back of the mans neck.
The kiss was deep, it was gentle, it was sweet.
Everytime Jeongin kissed him it was different everytime, some were gentle and slow, some were swift pecks, others were more deep and passionate.
This one was none of those. This one was, a goodbye.
It was all his feelings put into one final action, a final desperate action to tell Seungmin everything he wanted to say but couldn't, express his love, and affection in this gentle manner.
This one was important, this one was a last, this was their last kiss goodbye.
The salty taste of one of their tears got into his mouth, but he couldn't care less.
Seungmin wanted the kiss to proceed longer just to keep that warmth by him longer, but as they parted the paint on the canvas began to chip away, it wasn't a slow process it was brutal and it was swiftly ripped from the canvas.
Their foreheads rested together as tears dripped down their faces, "I'm sorry Seungmin.. I'm sorry I couldn't be with you longer.", Jeongin apologized his voice shaking as he did so.
Seungmin frowned, "dont apologize.. just say you loved me while we lasted.", he choked out staring the younger man in the eyes one last time in seriousness, Jeongin parted his lips to speak but Seungmin shook his head.
"its okay, you need to go before you miss your flight.", he said, being responsible even though he wanted to tell Jeongin it wasn't okay and he needed him more than ever right now, and he wanted him to stay.
He couldn't this time, or any time after that.
Jeongin had to leave this time.
He had to leave to take care of his mother.
He kept that thought as they pulled apart. They didn't speak a goodbye just gave eachother one final gut wrenching look of yearning love before finally Jeongin got in that car and drove out.
Seungmin watched as the car left the driveway, tears poured down his face tracing his jawline, as he watched his whole world crumble and there he was left alone in the driveway wishing for a different outcome.
Wishing he would've told Jeongin how much he loved him one more time before he left.
Thunder rumbled through the sky violently, the rain was heavy as it poured down viciously.
The sky was gloomy and dark, clouds flooded the sky cutting off the moon lights source of light and the stars bright colorful view leaving it utterly dark and dead out.
Thunder struck loudly, crashing down in rage.
Seungmin watched the storm outside, sat in the empty studio.
He knew he should head home. It was nearly midnight, but he didn't. He didn't want to go home, home was no longer home to him.
Home was with Jeongin, not that empty, sad house.
So he stayed here, it was happier.
He told Hyunjin he'd go home five hours ago.
The thunder fitted the mood to a perfect extent. And the gloomy sky expressed thd emotional damages done.
Seungmin wasn't worried anymore just sad. He wasn't worried about Jeongin getting to know him deeper now, he wasn't worried about those hideous scars carved into his skin to be found, he wasn't worried about Jeongin un covering his mind and his horrible, toxic, disguting thought process.
He didn't have to because Jeongin wasn't coming home, he accepted that.
It had been awhile now.
He felt.. different, more puroposeles.
When wasn't he though?
He looked back to his canvas, it was still of Jeongin he couldn't bring himself to finish in fear of messing it up.
So he left it to be and constantly remind him of his lost.
He couldn't paint lately, he could bring paint on a brush to a canvas but he would just hold it there and let the paint bleed through the material unable to do anything other then hold it there.
He didn't know why.
Painting was usually his calm, his escape from reality, but there was no escaping this reality.
It was cruel, cold, and endlessly lonely.
And he couldn't paint over his sorrows with tired bristles and black paint.
Slowly the canvas he painted the one with all his worries, the one he painted over with thick expensive paints crumbled into oblivion.
He was left in malice towards himself, wondering if he was being selfish for feeling this way.
He felt like he shouldn't of been so torn over this and carry this horrible feeling of betrayal because, Jeongin was the one with a ill mother. He didn't deserve to feel so angry did he?
He stared at the rain as a tear slid down his cheek in total defeat.
If Jeongin ever decided to move on he wanted him to mourn for atleast five years and love him still for ten.
But that was selfish of him wasn't?
He just didn't want the person he loved the most in this sick, twisted world to move on from them.
From him.
He didn't want to be left behind, he didn't want to be alone, he wanted Jeongins warmth, stability, and comfort.
He wanted to be held in the mans warm, safe arms and told everything would be okay.
But everything wasn't okay, it'd never be okay.
He'd never get over Jeongin he believed.
Jeongin was his safety, stability, happiness, and warmth all at once.
That flicker of hope in the dark, empty room was put out, and went away along with Jeongin. And with that he's left in his sadness, his despair, and a broken heart.
What has been broken can't be fixed. He should've known this, not Jeongin, not anyone could fix him because he was broken. Undesirable, and dead inside.
And with that all hope is wiped out and were left with a depressed man in a empty studio as the sky crys the tears he didn't have in him to let out.
It ends here.
Its a sad ending with no happy ending, no trues love kiss or a sunny sky.
Pure darkness, and sadness. And a sad man drinking cold, coffee with a splash of milk in it, alone in his emptiness. Yearning for something he can't have.
It ends here.