Chapter Text
Seungmin felt so damn tired again. It’s a new day, it hasn’t even started yet, and he already feels drained. He got up from the bed dragging his feet across the floor and walked to the bathroom to wash his face. There was a warm smell of morning coffee hanging in the air, Felix must had started making breakfast.
He started living with Felix when university started, it was far from home and he needed a place closer to campus. They had been friends for ages, so it was perfect when the blonde boy asked Seungmin if he wanted to share an apartment with him.
Seungmin used to be a morning person, he still feels like he is. He used to get up early and do some chores, or go out and buy something at the nearby bakery, he made breakfast for both of them and even went into Felix room and shook him awake. But lately things have changed, he doesn’t know what happened or why he feels different, almost like he isn’t himself anymore. Every day it gets harder to get up, if he thinks too much about it, he finds it even harder to find a reason to do so. So he buries those thoughts away and keeps them shut.
When he goes into the kitchen a ray of sunshine meets him with the brightest smile on Earth. That ray is obviously his roommate. Felix has always had his back, and when Seungmin started feeling down, he took it upon himself to at least make coffee in the morning and wake him up if Seungmin took too long to get up.
Seungmin sometimes wonders if he was being a burden, if he was dragging Felix down with him into his weird, dark and depressive rabbit hole. He felt guilty about it, but he cannot tell the other that, or he will make the blond feel even worse.
“Good morning, Minnie! Did you sleep well?” Felix said, holding two cups of coffee.
“Mmm… yeah”
His head wasn’t fully capable of forming sentences in the morning, yet he tried to smile to reassure the other. It was going to be a long day, just like all of them.
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“Good morning babies!” Han’s voice was heard over the murmurs of students flooding the hallway.
“You’re early today, how weird” Seungmin teased him, finally awake enough.
“Yeah, yeah… Minho threatened to throw the burning kettle of tea at me if I didn’t get up, so…”
“Great awakening method.” Seungmin added, rising his eyebrow while Felix laughed. He loved his friends, even though he wasn’t sure how he managed to get them in the first place.
Minho appeared next to Han the following second, and headed to class with him. They seemed glued at the hip. They also shared an apartment, pretty close to Felix and Seungmin's, and ate together almost every day. They looked cute together, and that thought made Seungmin smile a little. At least someone around him wasn’t consumed by stress and desperation. Maybe he was being a little dramatic, but sometimes it felt like that; absolute desperation.
“Ready for class?” Felix asked when the couple were gone.
“Of course, like always” he lied, his head didn’t feel right, but he smiled anyway “Why do you ask me like that, I’m not a toddler”
“Sorry, sorry! I’m just worried, that’s all”
“I’m okay Lixie, don’t worry about me, you need to concentrate on your test today”
“I know… AH! THE TEST! I NEED TO GO, SEE YOU LATER MINNIE!”
He started running through the hallway, bumping into Hyunjin who walked like he was on his way to a relaxing morning in a jacuzzi. The taller boy waved at Seungmin from afar with the most relaxed expression in the world. Until Felix told him something and his face twisted into horror. Yep, he forgot about the test as well. They disappeared in a hurry around the corner and Seungmin was left alone with his thoughts, even though the world was buzzing around him. He didn’t hear a thing.
He only heard that voice deep inside.
You thought you could make it but your life is just a disappointment.
Your life doesn’t make sense.
You’re a burden to your friends.
You’re gonna drag them down.
Why are you even trying?
Stop trying.
“Hi, Minnie, you look tired” he heard a voice over his shoulder, startling him.
“Good morning to you too, Changbin” he said with a hint of sarcasm.
“Don’t be like that, I’m just worrying about you ‘cause I’m such a good friend!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, we have classes to attend” he said, dragging the older boy with him.
“Hey! You were just standing in the middle of the hallway with an empty stare, no need to run now”
“Shut up, Changbin”
He missed Changbin. When they talked and bickered he stopped feeling so empty, it was a hopeful feeling. But it never lasted long, that weird voice in the back of his mind always came back when he was left alone.
They walked to their respective classes. Seungmin felt like everyone was confident in their choices of career. Even though they had their struggles it felt like they wanted to fight for their dream, they had a purpose. He didn’t feel like that anymore. He chose journalism because he liked to write, he liked making up stories. But it was mostly about writing lyrics. But every time someone asked about it they all ended up making that face, something between pity, confusion and disappointment. At first he fought, he tried, but the more time passes the less secure he feels. For some reason people thought novels and music were some kind of joke, something you could not dedicate your life to. Maybe it was true, maybe his parents were right.
He felt like a disappointment to them too. It’s not like they didn’t support him, but he could feel their frustration, like they would have obviously preferred if he had chosen something else.
Why don't you give up already?
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“Let’s hang out today to celebrate how well we did on our test!” Hyunjin burst out during their break.
“Oh, do you know the results already?” Chan said, smiling proudly.
“Nope, but I have a feeling.” the tall boy said, Chan’s smile dropped, the rest laughed at the reaction. “And it’s Friday, guys!”
“You can come to our apartment, right Minho?” Han offered.
“Oh God, please no”
“Why not? I know you love us, don't lie!” Hyunjin said, trying to persuade Han’s roommate who would rather have a peaceful and lonely afternoon than deal with his chaotic friends.
“Oh, Minho, please, please, please…” Felix added.
“Whatever, I’ll have to put up with you either way…”
“YES, PARTY TONIGHT!”
Oh, no. Seungmin wasn’t quite fond of the idea. He likes being with his friends, hanging out with them, messing up with them, it was fun. But for some reason he felt so tired and a bit snappy, he wasn’t sure he could handle more social interaction than usual.
But there was no use fighting, once they were done with their obligations he found himself standing right in front of Han and Minho’s apartment with a very excited Felix standing beside him.
“We could play board games, I crave some Monopoly” the blonde said.
“Mmm, I like Monopoly”
Strategy games always made him feel better, and he would love to destroy the others economically and mess up with them by buying the avenues they wanted. The door opened and they were welcomed by Han.
“Look who is late now! Ha! You cannot make fun of me anymore, Minnie!”
“What? It’s not my fault Felix took so long to pick an outfit”
“Hey!” Felix pouted before pushing Seungmin into the apartment "Chosing a good outfit is a very serious task!" maybe the night wouldn’t be as bad as he thought.
Inside the apartment the rest of the group was making themselves at home. Felix ran to the sofa where Chan and Hyunjin were choosing a board game to play, it was typical on their "parties".
“Hey, Lixie!” Hyunjin said “What do you wanna play? Channie keeps saying dominoes, like, who even plays dominoes?”
“Stop making fun of me. Dominoes are a great classic”
“Did anybody bring Monopoly?” Felix said laughing.
“Yeah, I got you baby!” Han said with the game in his arms “We always play with Minho!”
“And it feels like torture…” the other says bringing some snacks to the table.
“What? But we always have a great time!”
“With only two people it feels eternal, and you always lose.” Minho adds with a teasing smirk, while his roommate shook his head in disappointment.
Seungmin was in the kitchen, where he saw Changbin and Jeongin pouring drinks for everyone. He didn’t get to see Jeongin during the day, and he already missed the younger one.
“Hi” Seungmin said shyly, he wasn’t feeling completely fine and it showed.
“Hey Minnie!” Changbin said, a glimpse of concern in his eyes “Weird of you to be late, what do you want to drink?”
“Blame Felix for that… water is fine”
“Water is it.”
“Seungmin-hyung, finally someone who is more or less normal!” Jeongin said pleased to see his friend. “I barely had any spare time today, my schedule is killing me, you know how fashion marketing is, and then I had to manage Changbin-hyung around the kitchen, I was going crazy”
“YA! I’m right here Jeongin-ah!” the older one shouted “And what do you mean by more or less normal? Minnie is pretty weird, I’m the normal one here!”
“A-ha, whatever you say hyung… let’s go to the living room” Jeongin said, giving Seungmin a slightly disconcerting look.
“He said I’m normal. I win.” Seungmin said, following the maknae, giving the other a sly grin.
“I hate it here…”
Everything felt so easy again, like when he was younger. Seungmin sat on the floor with his fresh water and some chips, he used his strategy and built up a lot of fake money. He even managed to buy one of the most expensive properties and enjoyed it every time the others landed on them and had to pay him, with a betrayed look on their face. He was feeling better, even though he still felt something twisted in his stomach and that heavy tiredness in his eyes.
But it didn’t last long.
They were playing for a long time and getting tired of the never-ending game. So, Han suggested a new activity.
“Why don’t we try something else, like karaoke!”
“Oh yes! I love karaoke!” Felix agreed, it was also one of their typical activities.
“You only say that ‘cause you’re losing again…” teased Minho with a grin on his face.
“Shut up, I have a strategy, okay? I’m just tired of this!” Han said.
“Sure, sure…”
“I agree with the karaoke idea” said Hyunjin “I’m tired of all this thinking”
“I told you we should have played dominoes”
“Dominoes? Who even plays dominoes unless they’re over eighty” Seungmin saw his chance to tease Chan, and he couldn’t help it.
“Come on! It’s fun!” the older complained shaking Seungmin's arm.
“Of course baby, but no more board games please… let’s find a youtube video for karaoke!” Han added, trying to dismiss the dominoes as soon as possible.
This is when Seungmin starts to get anxious. He always starts getting sweaty and insecure when it comes to performing. Well, actually, just when he is supposed to do something while people are looking at him. Like giving a presentation in class, playing football with his classmates during P.E. back in high school or singing in public. Yep, he had a problem with that.
So he stood up from where he was sitting and walked to his friends who were already searching for something on the living room’s smart TV. He just hoped the others would be distracted enough to not ask him to sing, which he was not sure it would work, since they already knew his passion for music and writing lyrics.
Han was obviously the first to take the lead and chose a song. He chose “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers, and he was about to destroy everyone’s ears. Actually, Han sang really well, that’s what Seungmin always thought, he had a beautiful voice but somehow when it came to random karaoke sessions like this he became totally crazy, maybe because he got too excited.
“Oh God, not again…” Changbin complained.
“Shut up! This song is such a banger!” Han said.
“But you always choose the same song, come on!”
“Shhh, I’m not complaining when you always go for “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”!"
“Huh…?” Jeongin looked at Changbin with a weird expression.
“What? Cyndi Lauper is fire!”
Yeah, maybe Seungmin will be lucky and the boys would be too distracted to bother him this time. He can still remember one time they tried to read some lyrics he wrote on a notebook and forgot left open, he wanted to disappear and never come back, and then had an anxiety attack inside one of the college bathroom stalls. He felt truly ridiculous, he didn't want to go back there.
“Coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta, gotta be down because I want it all”
Han was actually singing nice today, unfortunately for Seungmin. He was hoping for screaming and laughter but now it felt too personal, too emotional. It was going to destroy him.
“Okay, my turn! I’m dying to sing something from Sabrina Carpenter…” Felix said trying to pick up the remote.
“Which one?” Chan asked even though he wasn’t sure he could name any of them.
“Still don’t know, I’m thinking…”
“Ya! If you’re thinking, pass the remote!” said Changbin.
“Oh please no, it’s my house so it’s my turn” Minho said, snatching the remote. “You’re gonna listen to good music”
“Now he gets interested in group activities…” Hyunjin whispers hoping the other wouldn’t hear him.
Minho put on a song and started singing while the others complained. Meanwhile Felix was on a mission to choose a Sabrina Carpenter song, it was a hard decision. Minho’s song hurt as much as the previous one, if not more; “Zombie” by Day6.
“I feel like I became a zombie
머리와 심장이 텅 빈”
It felt like they were messing up with him, he hoped the rest would choose happier songs that wouldn’t remind him of his situation. The afternoon got long and it was already dark outside, it was almost time to stop the karaoke and go eat something and watch a movie. Seungmin breathed out in relief, because everyone was so focused on trying to sing their thing that nobody asked him to try. However, a part of him felt kind of sad they didn’t.
They really don’t care about you.
Nobody gives a shit.
They’d rather you weren’t here.
Go away.
“Minnieeeee, you haven’t sung anything yet!” Felix said suddenly, no way, did he read his thoughts?
“Well, I’m not really inspired.” he said dismissing him with an awkward smile.
“Come on, we heard Hyunjin three times already” Jeongin added “You should try too, hyung”
“It’s okay if you don’t feel alright, Seungmin.” that was Chan speaking softly next to him. He seemed to be aware of his expression of discomfort “We can take a break…”
“But you loved my performances!” Hyunjin complained, the others didn’t notice what Chan said.
“Of course, but we haven’t let Minnie try!” Han defended him. “I have barely heard your voice since we stopped playing Monopoly!”
The boy looked at Seungmin with a smile, not meaning any harm by pointing that out, but for Minnie it felt like it shot a hole through his chest. He was right, he hadn’t said much since they got into karaoke, his anxiety swallowing all of his words, and some of the songs bringing him way too close to the verge of crying. Now he wasn’t feeling good at all with the spotlight on him.
They are looking at you.
They despise you.
You are pathetic.
He felt it, that awful feeling. Why was he like that now? He was supposed to be fine, playing and fooling around with his amazing friends who he loved so much. Then why did it feel like his throat was being crushed and cold sweat was covering his body? His friends were looking at him, his smiles turning into expressions of deep concern, he didn’t realise it because he was falling deep into his mind, but if Seungmin could see them, he would feel guilty for making them worry so much. He wasn't worth worrying about.
He felt an overwhelming urge to escape and hide somewhere far away from there, so that’s what he did. His mind managed to make an excuse to get out of there.
“Yeah, I’m just feeling really tired today,” he lied, and with a forced smile he added, “Sing something in my place. I need to go to the bathroom.”
He got up and walked to the bathroom trying to control his breathing. He locked the door and stayed in the dark. For some reason he always ended up on the floor of a random bathroom, curled up in a corner and trying to hold up his tears. But he couldn’t take it anymore. Warm drops started falling down his cheeks. He shouldn’t be like this right now but he couldn’t control what he felt inside. So he just let it swallow him whole, while hoping anyone out there would realize he was spiraling deeper and deeper.
But he didn’t know the boys were struggling in the living room. They were left in an awful silence. Nobody dared to speak for a while. They were worried and didn’t know how to help. Even Felix couldn’t find a way to make things better.
“I’m not feeling like singing anymore…” Han whispered. “We shouldn’t have pressured him.”
“Nobody pressured him. Something is clearly wrong.” Chan said, furrowing his brow. “He needs to rest, leave him alone...” He hoped that was the best option. He wasn’t sure how to handle the situation any better, but he knew Seungmin needed his space.
“Okay, let’s make something for dinner and wait for Seungminnie to choose a film.” Minho said heading to the kitchen, even he had sensed something strange in Seungmin’s words.
“Yeah, maybe that will cheer him up…” Felix said, hoping it would.
Nobody said anything else. They started cleaning and preparing dinner, hoping Seungmin was just tired, like he had said. But for some reason, it felt like something was hiding underneath.
Seungmin was taking too long to get out of the bathroom. Inside the dark room he was hugging his knees and struggling to breathe. Even though he didn’t like to sing in front of people, he had never felt like this before. It wasn’t about the karaoke or his career. It was something deeper, something stuck inside his mind.
You’re dragging everyone down with you.
You’re such a waste of space.
You don’t deserve anything.
Stop fighting already.
It is not worth it.
He was alone with the voice in his head, and it wouldn’t shut up. He couldn’t stop it, the crying was getting worse, but he couldn’t escape his mind.
He needed help.