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Anakin is in love with his Jedi Master. This is something he realises when he’s just sixteen. Something else he realises when he’s sixteen, is that it’s utterly hopeless. Nothing can or will ever come of it. Obi-Wan will never love him back in that kind of way. Obi-Wan doesn’t even love him at all. Not even like family. Which is how Anakin used to love him, thought he did love him, until he realised he’s actually in love.
He keeps it to himself for as long as he can, but Anakin isn’t a patient person. As hard as he tries to be.
Eventually he searches for a way to tell his Master without just outright saying it.
1
It takes him a while to come up with a way to put it into words. The first time he dares to is on his seventeenth Life Day. They’ve got a bit of downtime and so Obi-Wan’s suggested stopping for a meal at a local place of Anakin’s choice in the city they’re in on Corellia.
Anakin picks the first place that looks like it’d have greasy, hearty food. His Master doesn’t even comment on his choice. Though Anakin knows Obi-Wan would prefer somewhere fancier probably. Anakin just feels stressed out in those types of restaurants usually. Always being reminded of how vigilant he has to be at banquets and dinners with diplomats so he doesn’t accidentally cause an incident by using the wrong fork or asking the wrong question.
He picks a place that looks a whole lot like the diners on Coruscant do, actually. The relaxed atmosphere is pleasant and the food, when it arrives, is pretty good. The two of them sit together in a booth tucked away from any prying eyes.
During the meal Obi-Wan gives him some subtle praise that makes him feel both bashful and happy at the same time. Anakin ducks his head, hiding his smile while he looks down at his food.
Sometimes his Master frustrates him, sometimes he even resents his Master bitterly, but it’s moments like this that make him remember why he really, truly loves Obi-Wan.
When there’s a lull, when Obi-Wan’s paused for a bit, he pipes up.
“I wouldn’t want any other Master. There’s no one better than you in the Temple. I’m very proud to be your Padawan, Master.” Anakin’s tone is delicate, revealing the wealth of feeling behind the words.
Obi-Wan watches him with soft eyes and a slight smile.
“I often wonder if I’m doing enough, so I am glad to hear it Anakin. I may not be Master Qui-Gon but-”
Anakin shakes his head rapidly. Qui-Gon Jinn hangs over them like a spectre, it’s true. But he’s not Anakin’s Master, never was. Anakin doesn’t really know how he would have been. He can only guess at it.
When he’s annoyed by his Master sometimes, he wishes it for a moment, that Qui-Gon had been here to train him. But Anakin doesn’t actually want that. If it all changed tomorrow and suddenly Obi-Wan wasn’t his teacher any longer Anakin wouldn’t be happy at all. It would mean losing something fundamental to him.
“No one, Master. I wouldn’t trade your teaching for anyone or anything else. We fit together in a way that the Force tells me was meant to be. That we were meant to find each other.” Anakin replies emphatically.
That softness in his Master’s eyes is back. Deepening until could almost be described as tender.
Anakin knows Obi-Wan has no sense of the true sentiment behind those words. That his Master can’t hear the silent I love you underlying them, but he seems touched regardless.
“Perhaps we were Anakin. Perhaps we were.” Obi-Wan replies, sounding fond.
The meal is the best Life Day he’s hand since coming to the Temple, he decides. And he isn’t biased because he thrums with subtle elation and satisfaction at finding a way to tell his Master, however indirect and roundabout.
Obi-Wan can not know, but Anakin was still able to say it.
2
He gets used to yearning silently. His eyes flicking down to his Master’s lips during lectures, idly wondering what they would feel like against his own. How that beard would scratch his chin and jaw. His hands twitch with the urge to run his fingers through it, to feel how soft or shaggy it is.
Sometimes he takes a second to stare into the depth of his Master’s slate-blue eyes. Deep and far-reaching like a massive thunderstorm. Anakin likes the way Obi-Wan’s irises change colour depending on the lighting and where they are. Sometimes they’re the colour of green sea foam that he remembers seeing on a mission once. Sometimes they’re as blue as Alderaan’s skies. Most of the time they’re a greyish colour. But Anakin likes all the shades. It’s like a magic trick, and it makes staring into them endlessly interesting.
Obi-Wan’s hair shifts colours in the light too. From red to blonde to brown, almost like a subtle rainbow of colour hidden in the strands. Anakin’s long thought it looks soft, but has barely even had the chance to brush it in dire moments. He’s never been able to run his hands all the way through it, watching the colour shift as his fingers glide through the silky strands.
He watches his Master and yearns to touch him. To hold him. To feel his Master’s calloused hands on his body. He yearns and yearns, time marching inevitably on as he aches with more than he can put to words.
The second time he manages to voice it is after he saves his Master from certain doom on a mission.
“Thank you Anakin, I knew you’d come. Thank you.” Obi-Wan says crisply.
The lines crinkling around his eyes as he smiles give away that he’s not so unaffected by what almost happened. That he really means those words.
“I’d always come to rescue you, Master.” Anakin replies earnestly.
“I’d never leave you behind or let you die.” He promises, meaning it with all his heart.
I love you, I could never bear to lose you like that. He doesn’t say, but means.
Obi-Wan smiles wider and huffs softly.
“I’ll be sure to remember that you’re on your way, no matter what odds I’m facing.” He sounds like he’s half-joking as he says it.
“You should, because I will.” Anakin emphasises, completely serious.
3
The months slip by, and then years. Anakin’s hidden aching love never dulls or leaves him. His heart beats for his Master hopelessly on and on. He is nineteen now. He can feel it, he knows he is coming close to Knighting. That he will be ready for it soon.
He has many different feelings about it. Much of him knows he deserves it, and to have it delayed would be a slight to his skills as a Jedi. Much of him wants to show Obi-Wan that he’s capable and adult and no longer than young boy in need of guidance and protection. That he can protect his Master now.
But… but part of him wishes to stay, to hold tight for as long as he can. He doesn’t want them to be parted. To sever their connection and leave them drifting apart from each other. He, quite simply, doesn’t want his Master to go.
He’s quietly feeling a lot of things and trying to process them all before he’s actually Knighted and has to face the future. So he searches for another way to give voice to his feelings, because he needs to speak them out into the open again. Scared that he won’t get many more chances.
They’re utterly lost in the mountains on a mission that’s been one calamity after another, and it’s dusty and dry here. They’ve been hiking for hours now and Obi-Wan lifts his water canteen to drink, finding it empty.
Anakin lays a hand on his own, where it’s clipped to his hip. He can feel that there’s still a little bit of water left inside. He lifts his eyes and looks at his Master. Catching him, Obi-Wan gives him a crooked smile.
“Guess I’m empty. It’s fine, we’ll be out of this mess soon enough.” Obi-Wan says cheerfully, obviously trying to keep Anakin’s spirits up. More than likely while hiding his own discomfort. Anakin knows his Master is a lot more sensitive to the heat and dehydration than he is.
Anakin palms his canteen in thought, staring at his Master’s profile as they step over rocks and up the slope.
Obi-Wan would have no idea, just thinking it’s a thoughtful gesture…
Anakin unclips the container from his belt and passes it to him. Obi-Wan takes it, eyes widening a little and flicking from the canteen to Anakin and back.
“Oh thank you Anakin, are you sure? Don’t you need it?” He asks after a small pause, obviously worried about depriving his Padawan of fluids.
“I’m fine Master, you know I can go a lot further without water than you can. And anyways it’s practically humid, by my standards.” Anakin jokes.
He is slightly dehydrated, but he knows how to suppress and ignore it well.
Obi-Wan smiles at him gratefully, eyes swimming with something unfathomable, and nods. He uncaps the container to drink the water. Anakin watches, ever so slightly entranced.
I love you more than my own life, he thinks desperately.
If his mother were here, she’d know what his actions mean. For one from Tatooine giving another the last of your water is… it’s everything. It’s practically a declaration of marriage, if not between family.
If his Master knew he would certainly scold Anakin for attachment. Because it definitely indicates he is. But Obi-Wan doesn’t know the deeper meaning. So he just drinks and thanks Anakin, passing the container back once it’s empty.
Anakin takes it in a slightly trembling hand. He hopes his Master doesn’t notice.
4
Geonosis happens, the war begins, but none of it changes Anakin’s feelings. Even re-meeting Padmé isn’t enough to turn his heart away from his Master.
It doesn’t take long after war breaks out for the Council to decide to Knight him alongside several other senior Padawans. It feels like a somewhat cheap way to be granted the rank, but Anakin doesn’t make any verbal protests when he’s informed. He knows he’s ready.
On the day of his Knighting, he presents Obi-Wan with his severed Padawan braid reverently. Yes it is common to give it to one’s Master, but Anakin means a world’s worth of things by it.
Obi-Wan reaches his hand out, palm up, and Anakin ever so gently places the braid in it. He closes Obi-Wan’s fingers around it and looks up at his Master’s face, smiling.
“This belongs to you.” Anakin tells him softly.
Obi-Wan’s expression turns wry.
“You are a credit to yourself Anakin. I’ll take it if you wish to give it to me, gladly. But it is yours. Your proof of all you have achieved.” He disagrees nonchalantly.
Anakin shakes his head, clutching Obi-Wan’s closed hand more strongly, as if trying to brand the braid into his palm.
“No, it represents that I’m here because of everything you’ve done. Choosing to honour Master Qui-Gon’s wish. Fighting to train me, despite the Council’s disapproval,” A frisson of shock makes its way onto Obi-Wan’s face, like he’s surprised Anakin knows of that, “and shaping me into the Knight I am today. It’s… it’s the piece of me that belongs to you, if you accept it.”
It belongs to you like my heart, because I love you.
Anakin’s chest twists painfully, a familiar feeling after years of pining silently.
There’s something shining in the depth of Obi-Wan’s blue eyes. An emotion or series of emotions Anakin can’t quite name.
Obi-Wan’s other hand encircles his own gently, holding it.
“I… I do, I will accept it. I’m very proud of you Anakin, for everything today represents in your training. And I am very much looking forward to seeing the Knight you become now.” Obi-Wan’s words are slow and measured.
The corner of Anakin’s mouth lifts warily.
“I do hope you don’t mean to disappear entirely Obi-Wan. I’m looking forward to working with you as an equal. Since you won’t be able to boss me around all the time anymore.” He teases, a touch resentful but only a touch.
Obi-Wan huffs gracelessly and rolls his eyes.
“Like you ever listened anyway.” He replies sardonically.
“Hey, I listened sometimes!” Anakin snaps, and then a moment later he can’t help but laugh as his Master shakes his head in unsuppressed mirth.
5
Anakin presses a bloody hand to Obi-Wan’s side. He’s too pale, way too pale. Anakin is already silently begging the Force not to take Obi-Wan, not today, not ever.
“Obi-Wan you have to hold on alright. I can’t- kark I need you okay? Don’t you dare die on me Master. I couldn’t take it if I lost you.” He pleads, voice cracking.
“All things change, and our time comes to pass into the Force. If it is mine, I will-” Obi-Wan’s voice is thready but he sounds accepting and calm.
“No!” Anakin roars, hands clawing at his Master’s robes.
“No it’s not. Not now. You have to stay for me. You can’t die without me. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. Please hold on Master, if you’ve ever cared about me. Hold on.” Anakin can’t stop the first tear from falling, or any of the ones that follow it.
He knows the wound is bad, and the medic isn’t here yet. He called for one, minutes ago. Precious minutes ago.
One of Obi-Wan’s hand comes to rest on his own.
“Anakin, don’t let this consume you. Stay present. If it’s my time, you have to be ready for it.” His eyes are sad and too glassy for Anakin’s comfort, when he meets them.
“No.” He protests angrily, outright refusing… everything.
Anakin takes a deep breath, trying to centre himself. Ever since Tatooine and what happened to his mother he’s tried to learn a little of how to do this. But he has to be focused and centred and calm. He can’t find calm right now.
He takes another slow, long breath.
“That’s it, that’s it Anakin.” Obi-Wan distantly praises, obviously thinking Anakin’s actually going to accept the possibility of him dying.
Not on his life.
And it may cost that, trying this. Anakin has no natural aptitude for healing, didn’t study it as a Padawan. But then his mother died in his arms while he sat there helpless. Then war broke out.
So he shadowed one of the healers until he understood enough. Enough he can at least try this time.
He won’t lose anyone else.
“I’m… I can do this. I will do this.” He whispers, voice cracking.
I love you, I’d give my own energy if that’s what it takes.
He takes one deep, rattling breath and expands in the Force. His shields dissolving into nothing as he pushes his consciousness into his Master’s body.
“Anakin what are you—!” Obi-Wan’s panicked voice shouts distantly.
“Saving your life Master.” He mutters distractedly but determinedly as he plunges himself beneath Obi-Wan’s skin.
Obi-Wan’s own signature is there, inside his cells and his blood, when Anakin extends himself in. But he doesn’t fight, instinctually he melds with Anakin and guides him to the place where the Force is trying to heal the damage. It’s probably not even a conscious action. Their signatures so familiar to each other they simply accept and trust each other without hesitation.
It’s not enough, what his body is already doing, not alone. But Anakin has a great well of energy within himself he so rarely knows what to do with. He taps into it, turning the faucet on his power from a trickle to a rush. He rapidly pours power into the edges of the wound, willing it to start closing. Willing Obi-Wan’s body to produce more blood and pump it through his veins.
The Force rushes through him so fast it leaves Anakin dizzy and oddly empty, as that great reservoir within him drains in a blink.
“Stop Anakin! You’re going to kill yourself!” Obi-Wan’s cry of alarm is distant and almost echo-y.
Anakin doesn’t want to die here. It’s beneath him as a Jedi, he knows, but he’s terrified of dying. Utterly, totally terrified. Those words snap him out of it, and he pulls himself out and away, pausing just long enough to feel that the wound has healed significantly and that Obi-Wan’s blood has replenished.
His signature detangles from Obi-Wan’s own and his body. It feels wobbly and weak, flickering for all Anakin gave without thought to the consequences. That is a lie, of course. He knew the risks, but he took them anyway. Unable to stand down in the face of a challenge to his power and ability to manipulate the universe to his own will and wants.
He gasps shakily and sways, hand shooting out to steady himself. He reconstructs his shields, packing himself back away.
He’s tired like it’s been days since he rested, his body aches sympathetically. He continues to breathe unsteadily, trying to calm his trembling muscles.
“You foolish, foolish boy. You could have died!” Obi-Wan hisses.
When Anakin manages to raise his head and study his Master’s face Obi-Wan looks furious. But there’s colour in his cheeks and his eyes are bright.
That means Anakin succeeded.
Obi-Wan still needs a medic, but Anakin’s bought him the time for one to reach them. He smiles lazily, eyes drooping.
“And you would have. Wasn’t going to let that happen. Couldn’t.” He slurs.
The world around them is getting shadowy, so Anakin tilts backwards, mindful of reaggravating the injury he just made progress on healing. A moment later his muscles stop listening to him and darkness takes him.
+1
Obi-Wan isn’t stupid, nor is he oblivious. He’s pretended to be for a long time, because there’s been no other appropriate course of action.
Anakin’s made his little comments and done his little actions and Obi-Wan’s pretended not to know what any of it means.
The first one he’d really understood for what it was, was the water canteen. Before that he’d believed the confessions entirely innocent.
But he’s researched Tatooine culture a little. He did it when Anakin first came to the Temple so he could better understand his new Padawan.
Obi-Wan knows what Anakin meant by giving him the last of his water. What that symbolised. In the moment he was careful to give nothing away, despite how shocked and off kilter it made him feel.
Before that event he’d had a vague awareness that his apprentice was attracted to him, but it wasn’t something he’d thought much about. It happens. Plenty of Padawans experience a passing attraction to their own or another Master. It means nothing. And Anakin hadn’t been trying to make any moves on him, so Obi-Wan hadn’t needed to set any particular boundaries via a supremely awkward conversation. He’d been content to ignore and forget about it long before it inevitably went away on its own.
But then the water canteen. Anakin silently declaring Obi-Wan his most cherished person. Someone he would place above himself and his own life. In a personal, selfish way, rather than in the way of a Jedi.
Obi-Wan realised then that it wasn’t just attraction. Anakin was and is in love with him.
Something he hadn’t known what to do with or how to acknowledge, so he’d continued to feign obliviousness.
Until…
Until his own feelings about the Knight begun to transform ever so slowly.
Over the course of the first year of the war Obi-Wan was privileged enough to watch Anakin grow from that insecure and awkward Padawan into himself as a Knight. Anakin is self-assured. The confidence in his gait and the line of his shoulders perfectly matches the way he’s filled out his robes, losing the slimness of youth.
He has unquestionably become a man and a Knight and one of their best Generals. He knows it and he’s not afraid to do what must be done. Doesn’t hesitate where others do. Doesn’t apologise for taking action that saves lives or battles, even when it nets him scrutiny and a lecture.
Anakin doesn’t wilt, no matter what he’s facing.
He’s become the HoloNet’s darling with that smile and brashness and those curls just starting to grow out.
And the truth is… Obi-Wan can’t say he feels differently to any of them. His Knight is beautiful. Stunningly so.
Somewhere in this last year, his love has changed so slowly he’s barely been able to tell. When Anakin smiles secretively at him or stands too close, Obi-Wan’s heart pounds, and his neck and cheeks and ears heat.
When Anakin pauses and looks like he’s almost considering saying something… Obi-Wan’s heart leaps in the most inconvenient way. But still he’s been planning to ignore it all.
Until his brush with near death and Anakin’s desperate words. Anakin risked his own life to save Obi-Wan’s in some desperate and silent declaration. Such behaviour is unacceptable, Obi-Wan can’t let things continue on like this. Clearly ignoring it isn’t going to fix any of their problems or make either of their feelings go away. Which only leaves Obi-Wan with facing it head on. He’s petrified of doing so, but he must.
He’s sitting vigil beside Anakin’s cot in the medbay on his flagship. He had them both airlifted out of there as soon as the medic arrived and started treating him for his injuries.
He never lost consciousness and he’s all swaddled in wraps and bacta beneath them now. So here he is sitting at Anakin’s bedside.
Anakin is okay. He didn’t kill himself in the attempt, but he did cause an extremely dangerous level of Force exhaustion healing Obi-Wan half-way. He almost did extend too far. It’s a miracle he didn’t.
Obi-Wan’s trying to formulate some kind of lecture that might actually stick, lest Anakin do something like this again in the future and actually kill himself.
Obi-Wan doesn’t feel any closer to knowing what to say when Anakin finally stirs, hours later. He raises himself from where he’s been resting forward in his chair and sits up straight.
Anakin’s eyes blink open and he clears his throat. Those pupils quickly flit around the room until they find him. The Knight’s face instantly relaxes. And then he obviously processes where they are and he gingerly moves to sit up in bed, leaning back into his pillows.
“It worked.” He rasps.
His throat sounds dry so Obi-Wan gets up to bring him water. Anakin takes it and hums thankfully when he’s done drinking some.
“It’s not the last of my water in a drought, but I hope you know I mean the same anyway.” Obi-Wan says softly as he sits back down in his chair.
He watches Anakin freeze, frame taut like a bowstring. The Knight stares at him intently, searching for the alternate meaning behind those words no doubt.
“…What?” He croaks after a second.
Obi-Wan huffs and rolls his shoulders, pushing the tension out of his frame, before meeting Anakin’s gaze levelly.
“Anakin do you honestly believe I don’t know what that means for someone from a desert planet?” He asks plainly.
“I…” Anakin’s mouth hangs open for a moment before he collects himself, “you knew. You know.”
There’s resignation in his voice and expression.
“I do,” Obi-Wan agrees gently, “and even if I didn’t… you haven’t made yourself very subtle today.” He sighs, running a hand over his face.
Anakin’s quiet for a minute, and then, “Well go on, say it.”
“What? That you were reckless and risked everything for me? That you can’t do it again? That I won’t allow it?” Obi-Wan looks up at him, suddenly exhausted by the emotional swoop race that the day has been thus far.
Anakin rolls his eyes and sneers slightly.
“No. And you can’t stop me anyway. Tell me you’re disgusted and that I’m attached and have to let go of my feelings. That they’re inappropriate and-” His expression gets progressively more pained as he speaks, anger draining as it’s replaced with mounting hurt.
“Anakin.” He interrupts in a clipped tone, shaking his head.
He stands and steps over, taking the Knight’s gloved hand in both of his own. Anakin’s staring at him in undisguised betrayal, like Obi-Wan’s already broken his heart.
“I just offered you water, were you not listening?” He says gently.
Obi-Wan feels unsteady on his feet, his heart is beating rapidly in his chest, and his hands are getting clammy around the glove, not that Anakin will be able to feel it.
He’s never had to do this. He’s always been able to avoid having to confront these kinds of feelings with the few people he’s had them about in the past. It’s been easier to avoid confessing, telling himself nothing can come of them as a Jedi. And that was true, in at least some of those cases. It was true with Satine, and with Cerasi.
It’s not so simple with Anakin. This would change everything, but at the same time…
Surprise, and then the very beginnings of hope cross the young man’s face.
“Are you… do you mean…?” Anakin stutters, uncharacteristically lacking confidence.
Or perhaps it is not out of character for him to be unsure, in matters of the heart. After all he has secreted away his confessions of his feelings. If Obi-Wan had guessed how Anakin would express them, before all this, he would have said a direct confession immediately. But Anakin has emphatically proven that assumption wrong. He’s nervous. Has been nervous.
Whatever courage he has, it does not extend here. Obi-Wan can relate, but at some point one of them has to say it outright.
“I love you Anakin,” He confesses softly, “which is why I can’t bear to see you kill yourself trying to save me. That would have broken me, if you’d died pulling that stunt today.”
Anakin’s throat bobs as he seems at a loss for words, blinking up at Obi-Wan. His hand turns over and clasps Obi-Wan’s in return.
“You love me? The same way I… the same way I love you?” Anakin checks, voice shaky.
He looks so young, staring up at his Master with huge eyes and a hopeful smile forming. It makes Obi-Wan’s heart twist. He wishes he could speak and warn Anakin to think more about this, that he might change his mind later and regret it. But he knows how that’ll go. The argument that will devolve into. Once Anakin has gotten something into his head, he’s sure.
“Yes Anakin, I do.” He says a little exasperatedly.
Anakin gasps softly, and then he’s using his grip to pull Obi-Wan down towards him. Obi-Wan has to throw a hand out across the pillow beside the Knight so he doesn’t crash right into him. Anakin leans up and knocks their foreheads together.
This close, their breaths are shared and Obi-Wan can see Anakin’s eyes shining with happiness.
“I’ve loved you for so long Obi-Wan. I didn’t… I didn’t say because… I was your Padawan and I thought you’d reject me and I couldn’t-”
“It couldn’t have happened when you were my apprentice. And I didn’t look at you that way then, you have to know that Anakin. I wasn’t just… waiting, or something like that.” A desperate, ugly edge enters Obi-Wan’s voice at the mere suggestion of it.
Anakin shakes his head, skin rubbing back and forth against Obi-Wan’s brow as he does so.
“I know. You’d never. You’d never.” He repeats confidently. That relaxes something inside Obi-Wan slightly, how sure Anakin immediately is.
A second later he watches, entranced, as Anakin’s tongue darts out to wet his lower lip.
“But you do now. You feel it now. You… you want to now?” The last sentence is a hesitant question, as uncertain eyes glance back and forth between both of Obi-Wan’s own.
“I would not call it wise to pursue something, but our feelings smothered in the dark resulted in you nearly dying. I can’t accept that state of affairs. If… if loving you openly is what it takes for you not to do that, and you have to promise me Anakin, that you won’t because I can’t-” He swallows, throat clicking.
“I’ll try. We’ll see what happens together, if we… if we pursue this.” Obi-Wan finishes.
His hand shakes as it lands on Anakin’s neck, mirroring the hand Anakin has left resting on his own nape after reeling him in.
Anakin’s eyes are sparkling.
“That’s what it takes? I just have to promise not to die for you? And you’ll love me and kiss me?” Anakin asks, voice fragile.
The look in his eyes is jubilant though, already celebrating.
Obi-Wan hums, not sure if he has it in him to say anything more.
“Then I promise.” Anakin sighs.
His eyes slip shut and he tilts his head in a move so telegraphed Obi-Wan has ample time to pull away. He doesn’t though. He closes his own eyes and meets Anakin’s lips with his own.