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The thing nobody tells you about being beautiful and talented and flawless and generally an angel on earth is that it gets tiring. Quick. Issa thought, regretfully, that she was reaching her wit’s end. Of course she was a natural genius and ninety eight percent mentally stable so her wits were very long and it had taken almost three weeks for her to get here - but here she was, nonetheless, whining to her kinda-serious-ish-girlfriend over the phone.
“Margaux,” she whined, “I can’t take it anymore! I try to do peaceful yoga and they’re fucking. I try to make cereal and they’re fucking. I try to sleep and they’re fucking. I love them so much, and I’ve been looking into getting yaoi art made of them, but I want peace. I want quiet.”
“I’m so sorry,” Margaux’s voice came soothing through the phone, sounding amused. “That sounds annoying.” There was the jingling of jewellery in the background, because Margaux was going for a meal with her extended family that evening. Issa had tried to invite herself, but Margaux had a particularly unwoke grandma that was going to be dead soon anyway, so she didn’t want to bother her in her final weeks. “If you need cheap yaoi, I know some people.”
Issa gasped into her phone. “Margaux,” she declared, “you are the best. Mwah! Mwah!”
There was a giggle from her speaker. “Mwah, Issa.”
In reality, there was a knock on the bathroom door. “Issa? That you in there? My pie is going cold.”
Issa sighed. “Almost done, Anton! Your pie will not go uneaten this time.” She rushed to grab a cup of water from the sink, filling it up and pouring it in the toilet to make a piss-like tinkle. Belatedly, she realized she could have just left the tap running. Oh well.
“Okay! Go piss, girl!”
Issa tossed the cup against the bathroom wall, letting the rest of it spill on the floor. She picked her phone back up, hissing into the speaker. “And I can’t escape it! I move out of my room because they’re fucking in Paul Baker and Samir’s room, and then two minutes later they’re fucking in Anton’s room. It’s like they’re following me around!” She took a deep breath in, giving a satisfied smile and flushing the toilet. “But I’m handling it well. Like, so well. Sometimes I try to find a song with the same bpm as their bed squeaks. It’s like a fun little game I’ve made to deal with the trauma.”
Margaux giggled through the phone, before humming. “I think that’s my grandma knocking on my door, so I have to go. But send me a playlist with those songs later, won’t you?”
Issa sighed. “You’re a visionary.”
Hanging up and washing her hands, she made her way out of the bathroom to walk into the new configuration of the house. Of course, the main structure remained the same, but like the room swap, things had been shaken up. Like, for one, Anton was feeding Paul Baker a forkful of his pie. They were still in that honeymoon phase of their relationship. Cute.
That left Billie and Samir on the couch in the living room. Issa could just about see the shaking of their shoulders from the kitchen, probably giggling about something or other. She didn’t care. She walked past Paul Baker and Anton, taking a slice of pie with her and kissing Anton on the cheek as she slid past. “Thank you, Anton!”
She turned back around to sit on the couch with Billie and Samir, but the pair had jerked back and were sitting an arm's length away from each other, both awkwardly stiff. Issa narrowed her eyes. “Okay…” She started, sitting in the awkward space between them. She looked between them curiously. “Why are we awkward?” She stared between them, and then down at her pie. Oh no. She gave them her oh no face. “Is the pie bad? Should I not eat the pie? Is Anton trying to poison me?”
Billie coughed, acting first. “No, the pie’s fine! Nothing’s awkward. Everything is normal!”
“Yes,” Samir said, nodding emphatically. “Pie is great. Everything is great. And normal.”
Issa narrowed her eyes at them, but ultimately shrugged. What? The pie smelled amazing. Issa was going to eat her pie, unbothered, and not question whatever weird thing was in the air between Samir and Billie. They had known each other so long that they had these little quirks reserved for each other. Issa accepted that.
(Also, she was beautiful and talented and flawless and generally an angel on earth. Just for the record.)
The past three weeks had been… grating. Sandwiched in between beautiful dates with Margaux and themed nights with Billie, there was an unduly vibe in the air that Issa was decidedly ignoring. But she was okay with that! Totally. Issa was busy. Now that she had a librarian for a girlfriend, she was on her journey to become a literate queen. She simply had no time for weird vibes. She was choosing herself! That was, like, character development. Props to the writers of her TV show, because she was definitely living in the one. The Issa Show! (Margaux had shown her that movie and Issa had checked the house for hidden cameras for an entire three hours afterwards. She was going to find them… Eventually…).
…But the past few weeks, Billie had been acting a little strange.
It was ob-vi something she was going to notice, given the fact that they shared a bedroom now. It was normal for her to notice when Billie was out an unusually long time or a suspiciously short time. Like, how Billie got home from some of those hook-ups so fast was both a wonder and a testament to her strong developed character. Or a clue that she was fucking one of their neighbours, which was scarily likely.
Issa didn’t take notice of it though, because again, she was undergoing character development. She was going to be a good person by the end of this. Probably. She hadn’t spoken to God in a while because the last time she did she asked him for a sign good things were coming and she proceeded to trip on her way out of the altar. Now, Issa loved an opportunity to talk the ear off of somebody who was never going to talk back, but that crossed a line. God played in her face and he didn’t even apologise or like, try to fix things. That was a toxic relationship. Issa could see that now. Because she was undergoing what? Character development! Yes! Woo! You win!
It was a development that had taken three weeks to form before coming to an ultimate close, ending in bloodshed and net loss. Cut to the second scene, which - actually, Issa hoped the directors would just skip over all the boring stuff, because if there really were people out there watching her, they didn’t need to see those parts. God, Truman’s Executives, whoever you are - please hear my call. Please do a close-up of me in my sexy golden dress. You don’t need anything else. Love, Issa Damani.
Skipping over all the BORING stuff, long story short, Issa was bothered. And normally she was all for having sex everything everywhere all at once, but not literally everywhere all at once. The walls hadn’t stopped shaking for weeks. And yeah, she was totally guilty of that when she had been with Paul Baker, but she hadn’t been that obnoxious. Right?
“You’re not obnoxious,” Margaux reassured her, on the day of reckoning. The day the kingdom fell.
“Are you sure?” Issa said, looping an arm around hers. “I know I’m like, a little obnoxious, but sometimes I feel like I’m a lot a lot obnoxious and nobody’s telling me.”
“No!” Margaux responded. Then she cleared her throat and deepened her voice, crouching like a little goblin. “You’re obnoxious,” she grumbled. Issa gasped, before Margaux straightened back up, grinning. “Me if I lied!”
“Oh!” Issa giggled right back, and slotted an arm around Margaux’s waist. “I hate your stupid jokes and all the nerdy movies you show me.”
Margaux stared at her for a moment, before narrowing her eyes. Issa pumped her shoulders, tossing her head. “Me if I lied!” Margaux let her guard down, relaxing and smiling with Issa. Issa leaned her head on Margaux’s shoulder as they made their way up the stairs, thanking God (though she was still leaving him on read) for sending her a hot librarian girlfriend when she needed it most.
As they made their way up to her bedroom, the two girls passed Anton’s bedroom, and - yup. Those were sex sounds. Awesome. Issa rolled her eyes, taking Margaux’s hand in her own and pulling her closer to her own bedroom. “See what I have to deal with?”
Margaux nodded, stealing the moment to place a kiss on Issa’s mouth. They continued their walk down the hallway, wrapped around each other with effortless finesse (if Issa did say so herself).
As they passed Paul Baker and Samir’s room, the sex sounds seemed to not only continue, but remain at the same decibel. Huh. Issa could probably do the math in her head but she wasn’t a huge fan of mathematics so she simply wasn’t going to. She laughed a little awkwardly. “God, is that PB and Anton again? I swear they were just in Anton’s room. They move quick! Bless.” Maybe Margaux and her had stolen more kisses than they thought, and the two (tall, loud) men had simply snuck past them…? Margaux was a good kisser. It was possible.
Margaux gave her a look. “Issa. Both Paul Baker and Anton’s rooms are occupied right now.”
Issa raised a brow. “Yeah, and?” And then, it stuck. Oh. Oh… Oh! Oh God! “NO!” She whisper-shouted at Margaux, face etched in a silent scream. She breathed in a little too quickly before breathing out sharply, deciding everything was fine and she was sure it was just a misunderstanding. She took a deep breath, holding Margaux’s hand for emotional support. “This is just a misunderstanding,” she reassured herself. “Billie and Samir are not having sex behind that door. It’s a misunderstanding.”
Margaux gave an apologetic smile to her. “Nobody’s gone in or out of the house for hours. You’re here… Paul Baker and Anton are together… That leaves just two.”
“No,” Issa said obstinately. “That’s crazy. That just wouldn’t happen.” Her eyes drifted towards the door that said Paul Baker & Samir’s, holding herself back with everything in her. “I shouldn’t go in just to see. Because I will see Samir with a random hookup he snuck in through the window. Billie and Samir are not having sex as we speak.”
Margaux widened her eyes at her. “Okay, maybe we shouldn’t do that! Let’s just leave them be. We’ll find out when they… Finish.”
Issa looked between Margaux and the door, torn between listening to a beautiful woman or her deep rooted toxic instincts. More gasps came from inside the room. Was that Billie? It wasn’t Billie. That would be crazy! Issa felt the evilness rise in her body like smoke. She was going to do it.
Margaux shook her head. “Don’t do it.”
“I don’t want to do it, but I think I’m going to-”
“Don’t!”
“I’m sorry, I have to - WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK!”
Issa almost threw up when she opened the door. Inside was one of the most unnatural things she had ever seen in her life. It wasn’t right. It was against nature. She took a moment to put a fist over her mouth just in case she did throw up, trying to look away but finding herself unable to. There was no God. How could he let this happen?
Inside the bedroom, a shirtless Samir was pressed up against a topless Billie - it was obvious they had just been making out, and Issa was sure, if she hadn’t listened to her instincts, they would’ve gotten a lot further!
“Fuck! Wait!” Billie threw her hands out in front of her, looking innocent, but Issa just shook her head. “Issa! We can explain!” Samir kind of stood uselessly beside her, covering his chest with his arms.
The dots began to connect in her head. The varied return times, the giggling over the phone at 3am, that weird air between Billie and Samir these past few weeks. Oh God… Oh God!
Issa gasped. “Please don’t tell me you were Darude’s Sandstorm!”
Billie blinked. “What?”
Issa gagged. “I’m going to hurl. Oh my god.” She wiped her mouth, pointing accusingly between Samir and Billie. “This is groupcest to the highest degree! Ew!”
Samir threw his hands out. “You had no problem with Anton and Paul Baker!”
“Samir,” Issa prepared, breathing in. “Paul Baker and Anton make sense together. You,” Issa said, wavering a finger between them. “Do not. You’ve been friends since you were kids. You’re practically brother and sister.”
Billie grimaced. “Okay, not really-”
“Oh, and-! and-! I have defended you guys. For years. Do you know how many people I’ve had to convince that you were just friends?” Issa tossed her head. “Hundreds! All my kind, charitable efforts gone to waste.” She sighed, pressing a hand to her heart. “What am I going to tell my grandma? I swore on my life that you and Samir were just friends. My life, Billie.”
Billie widened her eyes, laughing nervously as she spoke. “No no no, we are just friends! We are just friends! We’re just hooking up, okay? Tell her, Samir.” Billie looked to Samir for help, and Samir looked longingly at her before turning back to Issa, talking to the ground instead of her. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re just hooking up.” Seriously? How hadn’t Issa noticed this? Where was she? Samir was like, totally in love with Billie. That was even worse.
Issa turned to the sky, throwing her arms out. “Can anybody do something about this? Can we stop this? Director! Director! Time OUT! CUT!”
Billie whispered into Samir’s ear from behind her. “What is she doing?”
Margaux coughed awkwardly from the corner. “That’s kind of my fault. I showed her the Truman Show.” She shifted awkwardly on her legs, before pointing at where Issa was looking and yelling loudly. “Cut the cameras this INSTANT!” She stayed like that for a moment before drawing back with a smile, nudging Samir’s elbow. “Me if I was in the Truman Show?”
He stared blankly at her. “Are they British in the Truman Show?”
Margaux leaned back awkwardly. “Umm…. It’s been a few days since I’ve seen it…”
Samir shrugged. “I mean, I haven’t seen it either.”
Margaux’s eyes widened. “Oh, yep! They’re British. They’re all British.”
“Issa,” Billie hissed, grabbing a top and pulling it over herself, “Let’s take this outside?”
Issa let out a harsh scoff, realising none of the executives were going to step in. They’d plotted this, Issa thought. Those nasty, evil, horrible writers. As SOON as Issa found even just one of those hidden cameras, she was going to put an end to this. Issa skipped out and let Billie follow behind her, only turning around to give a quick wave and mouth a ‘sorry’ to Margaux. Issa had very important things to deal with.
“Billie,” Issa whipped around, letting Billie close the door behind them. “Samir? Seriously?”
Billie grimaced awkwardly. “I know, but-”
“Since when did you have feelings for him?” Issa asked, putting her hands on her hips.
Billie let her mouth fall open, and her eyes widened. She let out a small laugh, shaking her arms in opposite directions. “No, no, you’ve got it all wrong!” She giggled. “Me and Samir? That’s crazy.” She walked over to put her hands on Issa’s shoulders. “Issa. This is just… for fun. Samir just broke up with Carly, okay? This is like his rebound.”
Issa narrowed her eyes. “Okay, then what is it for you?”
BIllie responded a bit like a frightened meerkat to that. “I told you! Fun!”
Ohhhhh kay. Oh kay. Okay. Issa was wrong. This was not just a Samir thing. Issa didn’t want to pride herself too much (for the cameras), but even if she didn’t know movies or literature, Issa was good at reading people. Most of the time. She sighed, touching one of Billie’s hands and cupping her cheek with the other. “Billie,” she whispered. “I love you.”
Billie stared into her eyes. “...Thank you.”
“I will let you have this,” Issa told her, not breaking eye contact for a second. Billie blinked and Issa hit her on the cheek gently to keep her eyes open. “You do not have feelings for Samir. You are hooking up with Samir for fun. You are his rebound. He is your bound.”
Billie nodded, looking relieved. “Yes. Exactly.”
“I will pretend I never saw anything. This stays between me and Margaux.” Issa rubbed Billie’s cheek, before pulling her hand away sharply. She pointed a finger at her. “But we will be dealing with this in season 3.”
Flicking her hair, Issa walked out of the room, returning to where Margaux and Samir were surprisingly getting along. Samir was cackling to something Margaux was saying. He actually slapped his knee. Oh, Billie…
“That’s crazy!” He guffawed, before turning to Issa. “Issa, should I watch movies? Is that something I should start doing?”
Issa sighed, looking regretfully into the corner of the room. “Don’t do it, Samir. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
Cut, directors, please. Issa wanted to do some ungodly things with Margaux. The audience didn’t need to see that part on camera. Thank you.