Work Text:
2016.10.4
Goro
>Hey. Can we hang out?
>Are you free?
>Do you have some time?
>. . .
Ren tightened his grip on his phone. His other hand clutched an old pocket watch. This was so stupid. It was just a day. And it's been years. He shouldn't be so hung up over it. He shouldn't, and yet…
>You've been typing for a while. Is something the matter?
This was so, so stupid. Ren was so, so stupid. He shouldn't be bothering Goro with something like this. Yet he couldn't help but type anyway.
>I just wanted to
>I'm not feeling good today.
>I don't want to be alone.
>It's nothing. Don't worry about me.
Ren stared blankly at his own phone. He knew he was avoiding his issues again. Doing this with Goro was stupid. Goro already had enough to deal with. It didn't feel right to talk to him about Shinjiro after what he said about his mother.
Was it even right for Ren to be calling him Goro? It felt right, though. Taking it back now felt… insincere. It wasn't like Ren could go back to calling him Akechi to his face, anyway. Not after his slip-up during their last hang out.
>. . .
>I can see how long you've been typing.
>It's not nothing, Ren.
>If you're not going to tell me over text, then you can at least tell me in person.
Ren let out a quiet, emphatic "Fuck."
He fucked up. He definitely fucked up.
Ren stood at the sink, polishing the same cup maybe a bit too much. Anything was better than facing the boy currently setting up a chessboard in one of the booths. No point in being avoidant. He's not going to go away any time soon. You know that.
"Are you going to finish up any time soon? That can't possibly get any cleaner than it already is."
Ren flinched, just barely keeping his grip on the cup. "Sorry. My mind's somewhere else today."
"Obviously. Get over here. I didn't set up this for no reason."
Ren smiled faintly, a bit more subdued than he usually would be. "You're more fun when you're mean." He removed his apron, heading to sit down in the booth across from Goro. "You're starting with black this time?"
"You and I both know you need the advantage."
Ren laughed quietly. "Mhm. Sure. I've beat you once or twice, haven't I?"
"Once or twice out of tens. Don't think I'll be going easy on you just because you seem to be in a mood today." Goro tapped his gloved hands against the table. "How about we have a wager? If I win, you tell me exactly what's been bothering you. If I lose… well, I guess you'll have to decide the outcome for that."
"Hah… These odds aren't really looking in my favor. You're really serious about this? I don't think me taking a long time to text you is really—"
"Amamiya Ren—" Oh shit, full name. "—your little tricks might work on others, but they will not work on me. I've been a detective for long enough to know when someone is lying to me."
Ren sighed, putting on a playful air—even though it was taking way more energy than it should, damn it; he should be better than this—"Well, detective, I'm not giving up my secrets without a fight! I'll give it my all!"
Ren should've expected to lose quickly. Didn't stop that disappointed sting when he heard "Checkmate." Damn it. Goro knew he was off his game. A wager's a wager. Can't get out of it now.
"Let's clean this up. I'll make some coffee for us."
"Don't think you're getting out of this." Goro narrowed his eyes, gaze piercing through Ren. Ah, worth a shot.
"Wouldn't dream of it. You'd probably just interrogate me anyway. It'd probably be better to have this conversation over coffee. That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to avoid anything, I promise."
They fell into silence after that, cleaning up together. Ren didn't mind. Quiet usually was safer. Quiet…
Quiet like Shinjiro will always be. Quiet like Shinji-chan, bleeding out on the floor. Because of you. Because you were weak. Because you—
Hands clapped in front of his face. Ren flinched back, looking like a deer in front of headlights.
"Good. You're back with me. Everything's cleaned, aren't you going to make that coffee?"
"Uh. Yeah." Ren muttered, heading back behind the counter.
Losing himself in the motions was easy. It was just him and the coffee. No stray thoughts to bother him. Just the coffee. Technique, temperature, timing. All simple and easy to swallow. Mindless for him at this point. Well, not fully mindless. Sojiro would kill him if he fucked up coffee by being careless.
Two cups of coffee landed on the counter. Perfected to taste.
Ren nursed his cup, wondering how exactly he was going to talk about this. He definitely couldn't say anything about the Dark Hour. That was off the table. He couldn't mention the Evokers or Personas either… and he wasn't comfortable spilling Ken's… everything without his permission.
"Today's…" Ren sighed, his words failing him. It was better to rip the bandaid off now. It wasn't going to get any easier. "Today's the day someone close to me died. Years ago… he was shot twice right in front of me. I… I could've saved him. I should have saved him, but I was too slow to, and…"
Ren couldn't continue. It was too painful. His throat closed up. He didn't want to think about it. He could almost see it again: Shinjiro's limp body bleeding out in Akihiko's arms. It was just a figment of his mind, but it almost felt like Ren was back in that alley clearing again.
"Ren." Goro said firmly, keeping a grip on his arm. "There's nothing you could have done. You were a child. You couldn't have saved someone from being shot. Thinking so would be foolish."
Ren laughed wetly. Oh, if only you knew how much of a Fool I am. "There was something I could've done. I hesitated, and he died." There was so much he could've done. He could've reached for his own gun. He could've used Shinjiro's Evoker earlier. He could've taken the bullet for Shinjiro instead. Maybe then, Shinjiro would still be alive.
"Hey. Hey. None of that. There's no use dwelling on it. Even if you wallow in it, there's nothing you can do to fix it." He seemed to grimace, mulling over something. "For a long time… I blamed myself for my mother's death. I thought I was a stain that forced her to take the way out she did. Now, of course, I know it was all my scumbag of a father's fault, but… just trust me. There's no use dwelling in what ifs."
Ren thought back to the box he kept sealed in his room. Shinjiro… Ryoji… Mako-nii… "You're… surprisingly good at pep talks."
"And you're stubbornly good at deflecting people," Goro grumbled. "Whatever the case, I'm glad you were comfortable enough to share this with me. It seems we really are similar in more ways than one."
"We could say he stole the guard's gun and committed suicide…"
There was no denying it. That was Goro's voice coming from Futaba's phone. Those were words Goro spoke. He couldn't deny the truth. Akechi Goro wanted him dead.
And the method…
Did Goro know how many times Ren wished he had pulled the trigger on himself? Did Goro know how many times Ren had to witness a facsimile of it? No, of course he wouldn't. Ren never told him.
"You okay there, Ren? Yeesh, didn't you hang out with this guy too?"
"I'm fine." He wasn't. "That was just a bit shocking to hear out loud. I'll get over it." He won't.
Futaba side-eyed him, but luckily didn't press any further. Good. Ren did not have the energy for that right now.
Ren stood frozen in front of Leblanc's door—luckily the cafe was closed by now, or else Sojiro definitely would've scolded him for blocking the way for so long—his thumb hovering over a certain boy's messages.
Goro: 3 unread messages
A game of billiards. Of course.
"Well? Are you going to go see him?" Morgana meowed from within his bag.
Was he? It would be suspicious for him to decline. After all, they couldn't let Goro know they were onto him. But Ren couldn't let go of that burning feeling of betrayal. Could he trust himself to be around Goro right now?
>Sure.
>Thanks. I'll be waiting for you in Kichijoji.
"I guess I better find something to occupy myself, then?" Mona hopped out of his bag, already slipping out the door.
Don't go, Ren wanted to say, but the words couldn't escape his throat. He couldn't let them. This was something he had to face by himself. After all, Shinji-chan and Mako-nii didn't die for him to be a coward.
Ren went through the billiards game in a daze, though he hoped Goro didn't notice. Connecting billiards to their current situation…
Why was he being so obvious? Does he know? Is he trying to hint at it? What's going on?
Before he knew it, they ended up outside. If he didn't know any better, Goro seemed… melancholy. Mournful, in a way.
What gives you the right to have that look on your face? What would you know? No matter how similar we are, you still want me dead.
"Why not join me instead..? All you'd have to do is abandon the teammates you have now."
What. Was he serious? He looked serious about this.
"Well? How about it?"
Oh God. He was serious. But why was he asking? Could this mean that Goro didn't really want Ren dead? But then again, he couldn't just… throw everyone away just because of this. But what was Ren supposed to do with this?
"You're my rival." Ren said simply. There was no way he'd be able to fit everything he wanted to say. Better to keep things simple. As they should be.
Goro seemed to laugh at that. "You are truly intriguing, Ren. You're right, though. We're better off as equals. Well, you better keep to your word, then."
"Mm. I'll see you another time then, dear rival." Ren couldn't help but tease. God, what's wrong with you brain? Seriously?
Ren left Goro standing flustered on the street. Not even the later phone call changed a thing.
Ren stood with Goro outside the subway entrance, both of them standing as if they hadn't dueled to near death.
"I'm going to be entirely honest. I hate you."
Ren didn't even blink. He wasn't surprised. Why wouldn't Goro hate him?
"Everything about you irritates me. You… you're the only person I refuse to lose to."
Ren smiled bitterly. "I hate you too, Goro. I guess that makes us great rivals, doesn't it? Both of us… we can't stand to lose, isn't that right?"
Goro seemed shocked by his words, a sort of arrow that struck true. "Hah… you really are something, aren't you? Taking the words right out of my own heart… You might have won today—" Goro slipped off his right glove, throwing it right to Ren's chest. He barely caught it. "—but next time? I'll beat you into the ground."
"You're challenging me?" Ren couldn't help but grin, full of teeth. "You want another duel after this? Then… I accept. I'll give it my all, so you better get stronger, alright?"
"Don't forget. I'll be the one to defeat you. No one else."
Everything was fuzzy…
Sae was gone. She took the phone, right..? That felt important… He knew it was important, but now he can't remember why…
Dread trickled down his spine. Something was going to happen. Everything was out of his hands now. A prisoner of fate. Would the fates be kind to him? Or would they decide it was finally time to get to snipping? As if fate was ever kind. If fate was kind, things wouldn't have turned out this way.
Click. Bang!
That wasn't Sae. Ren glanced up, seeing blood splattered on the wall, and Goro standing in front of him. He tried his best to focus his vision, giving his best attempt at a smile. "I guess you won, then? Out of the two of us… I bet you're happy… that you've bested me…"
Goro barely reacted, pressing the muzzle of his gun against his forehead. And how familiar it felt. Ren could almost believe he was back in the Iwatodai dorms, the week nii-chan left.
"This is how your justice ends."
Ren smiled blissfully. His thieves would be fine without him. Makoto… he knew she wouldn't do them wrong. He always had the fullest faith in people named Makoto, huh? Mako-nii… He wondered if he and Shinji-chan would be mad to see him so soon?
Goro growled, slamming the gun down on the table. Ren blinked his eyes open blearily, staring the other boy down in confusion.
"Why'd you put the gun down? Did you run out of bullets?" Ren didn't hear any clicking, though. "The guard you shot… should probably have some."
"Damn it! How can you be so… so calm about this?! You insufferable..!" Goro dragged Ren out of the chair. "I thought you'd at least be coherent when I got to you, but apparently not!"
Ren couldn't resist as his arm was slung over Goro's shoulder, Goro's other hand supporting his waist. What was going on..? This definitely wasn't part of the… plan..? What was the plan again..?
"You're thinking too loud. I'll get you back to your stupid friends, and then I'll beat you once you can actually fight me back."
Ren hummed. "Don' think I could do much fightin' anyways…" He giggled a little deliriously. "Y'r like… my knight in shining armor… ghehe…"
"What the hell did they give you?"
"I dunno…" Ren trailed off once he saw Goro reaching for his phone. "Oh man… would've been real bad if you checked that during the plan…"
Goro eyed him weirdly. "Must've been a shitty ass plan, then."
Ren spaced out a little as Goro made a call to someone. He should probably pay attention. What if Goro said something important? But he was way too loopy to parse out anything anyway.
"…ey…hey…en…Ren!"
A hand grabbed harshly at his face.
"Don't you fucking pass out on me. I'm going to be the one to kill you, not some… Frankenstein concoction of drugs."
Wow… Goro was pretty when he was mad.
"Wh… ugh, I suppose the drug cocktail rid you of your filter as well? Maybe tell me that when you don't look like you're about to keel over."
…oops.
Ren didn't know how he ended up back at Leblanc. The Metaverse was definitely involved, considering Ren felt the familiar feeling of falling into it, but…
He must've passed out somewhere along the way. Didn't Goro tell him not to pass out? Ren hoped he wasn't going to get his ass kicked for that…
"R….eeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" Footsteps bolted up the stairs, stopping right in front of his bed. Futaba just barely held herself back from completely lunging at him. "You… you..! Urgh! You have no clue how scared I was when Makoto's sister couldn't find you! I knew there was a high chance our plan could've gone really wrong, but… but I..!"
Ren felt a little guilty. He was so ready to die back there, but Futaba…
"Hey, I'm here now, aren't I?" Ren smiled in a way he hoped was comforting. Calming people down was so much harder on bedrest.
"I thought you were dead, asshole! I thought A-sketchi brought your dead body back here! You looked… you looked horrible!" She sobbed.
Ren winced. He definitely felt like shit right now, but Futaba having to see all of that… It must of reminded her of…
"Don't even think of apologizing! It's not… urgh..! I hate this… You're on bed rest, mister! That goth doctor said so! I have her on speed dial if you even think of doing anything stupid!"
"Mhm, got it, mini-doc." Ren glanced down at his wrists, rubbed raw from the handcuffs. "Hey… the others… they haven't… seen me like this, right?"
Futaba shook her head. Thank god… "Sojiro didn't let anyone come up here other than us and the doc lady. And A-sketchi. Speaking of which, why did he bring you back?! I thought he wanted to kill you!"
Ren shrugged, thinking back to the last conversation they had. "We… had a deal. I don't think he's happy killing me unless I'm at one hundred percent."
"You two are weird." Futaba's face scrunched up. "Like… doomed yaoi weird."
"Do I want to know what that means?"
"How come you read shoujo manga yet you don't know yaoi?! I've got to fix this! Your knowledge cap is killing me!"
Ren didn't see Goro again after the interrogation room. It was for the best. After all, he was supposed to be dead. And dead men don't hang out with their murderer.
Why did he miss seeing Goro? For fucks sake, the other boy held a gun to his head! And yet, he couldn't help but miss tearing parts of that perfect princely mask away.
What was it with him and courting danger? Maybe being around people who summoned their Personas by shooting themselves was a bad influence on him… Or maybe it was just Mako-nii's influence. Or maybe Ren was just weird.
Shido's palace was a pain. Getting the letters was a pain. Trying to shrug off his injuries was a pain—yes, Futaba, he was perfectly fine, no, the other Thieves don't need to know, there's absolutely nothing wrong.
And finally seeing Goro again… learning the truth… well, now that was a different kind of pain.
"You're lonely too, aren't you?" Joker whispered, repeating those words Yukari said to him all those years ago. It struck deep at his heart back then, and judging from the way Crow flinched, he was the same. "You're right. We are similar. But the others are right. You don't have to do all of this. Can't you just listen to what other people say for once instead of covering your ears?!"
"You're… not going to get rid of me..? Even though I'm in your way? You all… I don't understand you at all…"
Clack. Clack. Clack.
Everyone froze as Akechi's cognitive double strode in from the door, pulling a gun on Crow. Of course there'd be one. Why wouldn't there be one?
Joker tensed as the damn thing monologued. It was reminding him more and more of that weird white-haired man… This was too familiar…
Crow pointed his gun. No way, right? Not after all that…
Bang!
The cognition fell to his knees.
Bang!
The bulkhead door closed.
No. No… nonononono… not again… not again..!
His ears began to ring. No. He couldn't do this again. There was no way he could do this again. He can't lose someone else!
"Let's… make another deal… Change Shido's heart for me..! End him… in my stead..! Please..!"
"I'll hold on to your glove…" Ren didn't know what else to say. He still couldn't believe what was happening. They had a deal, damn it..!
"Hah..! You really are…"
No. Please, no. Not again. Ren couldn't do this again. Ren didn't want to do this again. Why did they all have to leave?
Two gunshots fired.
"I… his signal's gone."
Pain.
A green, sickly moon.
Chains constricting his chest.
Blood. Blood on the floor. Blood on his clothes. Blood on his hands. Blood he can never wash away.
He was too late. Again. Always.
His hands trembled on the Evokergun.
A hand gripped his arm. Oracle stared at him with worry. "Hey. Queen said… we should go."
"Okay." Ren let go of the grip he didn't even know he had on his gun. His hand hurt. He was gripping it too tightly. A sickly green flashed in front of his eyes again.
"We should probably… take a break for a few days." Oracle tugged him along. "I think everyone needs it." You especially.
"Yeah. Do you mind telling everyone yourself?"
"I got it. Just… when you get back to Leblanc… get some rest, okay? You've been pushing yourself a lot."
Ren nodded. He probably wasn't going to.
The box.
Ren dug it out from underneath his bed. He hadn't opened it since October. It's dusty again. Nii-chan wouldn't be happy about that. Shinji-chan probably would tell him to take care of it better. Goro…
Goro deserved better than a dusty box.
Ren grabbed a wipe, cleaning the dust off carefully and opened the box.
It hurt to look at.
He placed the glove within and closed the box back up. He picked it up, placing it back. He'd have to remember to check on it every now and then.
Why… why must Death follow him everywhere..?