Work Text:
Jacob had grown accustomed to, in the last seven months, hearing the blissful echoing of ivory keys mounting themselves in the walls of Sebastian's home. It had very quickly become a soundtrack to his days, colour coordinating his outfit with the soft falls of Monk marking his brain, or drinking his morning coffee with Hoagy Carmichael whispering in the walls. It was dizzying and jovial and gratifying and Jacob had grown to love it more than he loved most things nowadays.
Sebastian had brought it out in him, he supposed he could say, but Sebastian had a way of bringing a lot of things out in Jacob that Jacob had never known, or maybe had just never wanted to be, brought out in to the open world. For all of Jacob's trepidations about trying the whole 'relationship' thing, Sebastian had certainly given Jacob a lot more than anything he thought he deserved.
He enjoyed it a lot more than he would be willing to admit, the sound of piano enveloping Sebastian's home. There proved to be something quite domestic under the shadows of Bill Evans dancing across cream-coloured walls and knowing there was someone else there to fill the space with him.
"Are you struggling to decide whether to wear emerald green or slightly less emerald green again? Is that why you're taking fifty years to get ready?" Sebastian called from the living room, voice a teasing lull, piano underlying the words with soft and silk melodies, curving around Jacob's ears. He smiled into the empty room of Sebastian's walk-in closet, shaking his head at his boyfriend's tone.
"Just deciding if I actually want to be seen in public with you tonight or not!" He chirped back, biting the corner of his tongue at himself as he buttoned up his very much olive coloured suit - not emerald, thank you very much, Sebastian - and flattened his tie. He gave himself a once over in the mirror, pressing his hair back and adjusting his watch band before stepping out of the bedroom.
Sebastian looked delectable, if Jacob were to say so himself, burgundy dress pants paired beautifully with a matching tie and a crisp white button up. He was sat at the piano, as he tended to be when they were in his space. His sleeves were rolled to his elbows, forearms lithe and veined and there was a single, breathtaking hair curled over his forehead as his fingers danced rhythmically across the raised ridges of ebony keys.
He almost looks too good, Jacob thought.
At his presence, Sebastian lifted his head and quirked an eyebrow at him teasingly. "Oh I get it, I'm not the right arm candy for you, am I? Unbelievable. And here I am having gotten all dressed up to go out with you." He said with a smile, leaning his torso towards Jacob while still running his fingers along melodic notes.
Jacob took the hint and walked over to stand next to the piano, leaning down to plant his lips against his boyfriend's, teeth accidentally clinking against one another from the grin they both wore. It was chaste, they smiled into the press of each other and Jacob felt his heart sing in tune with the piano keys.
"You look very handsome." Sebastian spoke against Jacob's lips, fingers slowing their melodic flutter and chuckling at the halted movement the words pulled from Jacob. Jacob stood himself back, a light shade of pink dusting his cheeks at the comment, flushing all the way down his neck as he shook his head in exasperation, desperate to steel himself back into his usual composure.
"Well you look like sex on a stick, so we're even." He half-mumbled, running his palms down the front of his suit jacket as he averted his eyes from Sebastian's face. He reached down to fiddle with his watch at the sound of Sebastian's responding laugh. Jacob was not used to taking praise, at least not this way.
"I'm going to choose to take that as a compliment, purely because I know how you get when someone makes you feel pretty." Sebastian spoke, standing himself and stepping around the piano to stand face to face with his rose-coloured boyfriend. He reached a hand out, holding it steady and waiting for Jacob to slot their fingers together, "Come on, Handsome. How about you be my arm candy tonight?" he said with a smirk.
Jacob rolled his eyes fondly, pearly whites flashing against the luminescence of the room as he reached forward to interlock his fingers between the waiting digits of his partner. "You've always got to one up the competition don't you? Sex appeal and this fine piece of ass under your arm, what don't you have Sebastian Wilder?" Jacob said with a flirtatious quirk to his lips and a sly tilt to his head.
"Hey now, Handsome; Don't come at me over wanting to show off. You're the one who wanted to take me to some random and inferior jazz bar to 'see how the other side lives'. Might as well try and make a statement. Besides…" Sebastian said, a hint of sarcasm running on the underside of his words. "That 'fine piece of ass' is about to be covered in handprints from knee to spine if he doesn't get a fucking move on. We're going to be late, Jacob."
Jacob's breath caught at the words, air forcing its way out of his lungs in a sudden jump of ruptured, staggered breaths. Jesus Christ, yeah okay… he can do that. Definitely. He grabbed Sebastian's keys from their hook by the door before handing them to his partner absentmindedly and watching Sebastian lock the door behind them. Jacob had a feeling it was going to be a very good night.
"No, Baby, all I'm saying is that you might as well shove a knife in my ear if you're going to keep bringing me to places like this. My brain is on fire, Jacob." Sebastian spoke in exasperation, his hands flying left to right in disbelief, gesturing to the scene around them.
"This is classy, Seb. Look around, everyone's in cocktail dresses and high end suits, even the bartenders are in tuxedos." Jacob exclaimed, his fingers wrapping around his glass with the ease of a man who'd nursed a drink or two in his life, calm in his element. He scanned the crowd with wide eyes, taking in the blinding lights as their beams scattered along dark oak walls.
"The bartenders would be suffocating in them, J. I know you know how to make a cocktail. How much do you think it would suck to have your arms restricted by a damn tuxedo? You hate wearing tuxedos on the best of days." Sebastian shook his head, his arm coming down to rest along the back of the booth behind Jacob's shoulders, his fingers tapping a fast rhythm against the side of his boyfriend's arm.
Jacob leaned into the touch, laughing at Sebastian's obvious disdain for this place. At least Sebastian was right, Jacob hated tuxedos and they did make him feel like he was suffocating. "I suppose we can agree on that." Jacob drawled out, quirking his lips at his boyfriend's nod and mouthing of the words 'thank you' with a hand thrown to the air.
"Then we can also agree that this place wouldn't know good music if it walked in here and slapped itself on top of the bar. I mean seriously, come on! Pre-recorded playlists? I'd rather fill my ears with wet sand than listen to this synthesised abomination." came Sebastian's voice from beside Jacob's ear, low and husky, drifting through the filters of Jacob's brain.
Paired with the alcohol, Sebastian's voice had a way of making everything feel hot and honeyed as it wormed its way through Jacob's ears and down into his belly.
"Okay, okay, I'll admit it, this place kind of blows. But I like seeing you get all riled up so my night's been made either way." Jacob taunted, flashing Sebastian a cheeky grin with wild, crinkled eyes. Thank god he's pretty, otherwise Sebastian might have thrown his ass out on the curb long ago.
"You're infuriating, I swear." came his boyfriend's response, a fond look dancing in his eyes as he shook his head softly. "Baby, let's just get the bill and get out of here. I happen to know the owner of a much finer establishment who would love for us to be there instead." He joked, pressing his forehead against Jacob's temple briefly before leaning back and signalling the waitress over for the bill.
Jacob righted himself once Sebastian's arm left his shoulders, feeling a lightness bubbling in his chest as he finished the remainder of his old fashioned. Sebastian would be correct, Seb's was indeed a much finer place for them to spend their night, and the drinks were free so who was Jacob to complain?
The waitress came over shortly after, her long brown hair curling over her shoulder to rest above her name badge, "Emma". Fitting, lovely name for a lovely lady. At least the service wasn't subpar here, for all its flaws, the place knew how to cater to the people.
"How was your night, gentleman? Enjoy the entertainment?" She asked with a picture perfect smile, flashing her white teeth towards the two of them. Sebastian held back a laugh that threatened to come out, the irony that they were leaving because of that very entertainment not lost on him.
Jacob held a hand towards his partner absentmindedly, trying to hold off the words he knew Sebastian must be thinking. He composed himself with a sharp smile before signing the bill and looking up to the waitress in a way that he hoped seemed nice enough.
"We had a lovely night, the atmosphere was just what we needed. Thank you, you've been amazing…" He played looking towards her name badge before flicking his eyes back up towards her, "Emma. Thank you, Emma." He smiled charmingly, blue eyes tracing the way her face lit up like a lighter at the - quite impressive - tip he left.
"Oh, thank you. I hope - uhm - I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening." She stammered out, turning herself to steer back towards the bar, seemingly quite flustered as she handed the bill over to the attending with trembling hands. Jacob watched her walk away before laughing quietly and shaking his head. The entertainment really had been awful.
Sebastian stood silently, stepping up and around Jacob to manoeuvre his way out of the, increasingly stuffy and crowded, space of the bar. Jacob looked up to his boyfriend at the sudden movement, partially startled by it. Sebastian's hands flew to his pockets as he walked and Jacob stood up slowly to watch him.
He didn't even offer to hold my hand, was all he could conjure up in his brain.
Jacob shuffled after his boyfriend, long legs still struggling to play catch up as Sebastian's pace ushered him out of the bar. Jacob could see the tense line of his shoulders and the subtle clenching of his jaw with every passing step and he felt his head almost go cloudy at the sheer whiplash that was wrapping its way around his spine.
He scrambled to get his steps to fall in line with Sebastian's, almost tripping over his feet in a daze as he watched nothing but the side of Seb's face. Sebastian's jaw was tight and tense as he stormed the late night streets, teeth clenching themselves to keep his mouth shut and Jacob felt something dark stirring inside his chest.
"Seb?" He questioned quietly, the word falling out onto the empty street as if unheard by the world around them. Sebastian remained silent, he showed no sign of having heard or acknowledged Jacob's voice save for the slight twitch of his eye. Jacob's eyes tracked the movement, blindly following his partner's path.
What had happened between now and two minutes ago, Jacob thought, his lungs buzzing from the pressure working its way through his skin.
He stumbled again over a crack in the sidewalk, almost falling face first onto the concrete before Sebastian reached an arm out to grip his elbow and lock him upright. "Be careful, for fucks sake." He gritted out, righting Jacob before removing his arm and continuing his firm stalk across the grey and wilted pavement.
"Wha- Sebastian what happened? Why are-" Jacob trailed off, eyes flicking forward to take in his surroundings in the hopes of keeping himself stood straight for the remainder of the walk. His skull felt like it was suffocating despite the fresh air surrounding it. If confusion had a physical form, Jacob Palmer would be the human embodiment.
Silence passed for a while, Sebastian gritting his teeth at every one of Jacob's half finished and clearly dizzied sentences. They walked quietly with one another, Sebastian always half a step ahead from his huff and Jacob trailing in dazed confusion. The air felt cramped and sickly, even once they turned the corner and Sebastian's house came in to view.
"Do you have an On switch or something?" came Sebastian's voice, rough and grating against Jacob's ears as Jacob swung his head to focus his attention on his partner. Sebastian's face remained tightknit, neutral with a tense scowl threatening to take over his lips. Jacob kept silent for a moment, trying to form a reasonable sentence.
"An On switch for what? What's that supposed to mean?" Jacob countered, confusion cloaking him in a cover of dark moonlight. He pressed his own fingers into his pockets, trying to ease out the nerves that had started to jostle under his skin and into his fingertips.
"For all of that charm, Jacob. The laugh, the eye contact, the playful look at her damn name badge. It's a lot." he spoke, bitterness tinging his words as they layered themselves and struck deep into Jacob's side. Jacob stared at him with his mouth to the floor. What was Sebastian even on about?
"Charm? What char- Seb I was being nice. I was paying the bill for gods sake! I wasn't aware that was a crime." came Jacob's voice, echoing in the black and empty street as his steps faltered a fraction. Sebastian seemed in no mood to stop and actually talk, keeping his stride angry and loud against the concrete ground and Jacob scrambled to keep up with him once again.
"You didn't need to audition for the waitress, Jacob. We were just trying to leave." Sebastian's voice flexed, dead and flat and blending in to the shadows of his street. The words settled, spiteful and unsteady, against the patterns of the houses' brick lined walls. Sebastian's jaw clenched tight, teeth aching from grinding against one another.
Jacob stopped in his tracks, feet planting themselves to the ground in attempt to keep himself standing. Sebastian's tone sounded angry, a key that Jacob had yet to hear in the months they'd been together. Jacob's head ran even more confused. Audition? A fucking audition? Like what? Like he was throwing himself around and parading for her attention? Like he was… oh.
Like he was desperate and fishing for someone to take home with him…
His chest felt like a fire had worked its way up into his throat, catching on his tongue and burning any sane thing he wanted to voice. His lungs ached, breathing turned rapid and ragged. Every possible response he could have wanted to say fell flat behind his teeth, an indescribable rawness taking over from the depths of his head.
"An audition? Are you serious right n- A fucking audition? I was being polite, Sebastian; I'm sorry I didn't stand there staring at the floor." he forced out, voice like acid against the inside of his mouth. He lifted his shoulders and puffed out his chest, hoping to swallow down any chance Sebastian had to say something else that would hurt.
"There's a big difference between being polite and performing, Jacob. Why is it that every time we're out in public you've got to put on a show? You need everyone's eyes on you and it's fucking exhausting." Sebastian dragged out, walking up his steps and unlocking his front door. He forced the door open angrily, the rebound knocking a set of books off of the table at the entryway, before stomping further into the house and leaving it open for Jacob to follow.
Jacob, blinded and overwhelmed with anger, stepped inside and slammed the door behind him, kicking the recently dismantled books across the floor and out of his way. He fumbled with his suit jacket, unbuttoning it and throwing it over the table, tie following its path, before calling out, bitter and riled up.
"Oh I'm exhausting, am I? Because I know how to smile? Because I can act fucking normal and not leave the bar like I'm walking out of a damn funeral?!" He yelled, voice rumbling in the walls as he followed Sebastian into the living room, wide-eyed and tense, his back a rigid line against his button up.
Sebastian laughed brashly, turning towards Jacob with his tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek and shaking his head. "That is not what I meant and you know it." he spoke abruptly, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. Sebastian halted himself for a moment, a blaze burning in his eyes as he looked towards Jacob, leaning forward to try and make his point land.
"I mean how you act like you're still available!" he sniped, throwing his arms up in exasperation with a shake of his head. His breath was deep and laboured, like he was fighting himself to keep his tone levelled. "Like you're just keeping your fucking options open."
Jacob stops himself in the doorway, feet rooted to the spot as he just… feels caught. His stomach screams like it's flipped on a dime and there's an unsavoury, violating feeling working its way up his bloodstream and caving itself into the inside of his skull. He tries to look away, to not give Sebastian the satisfaction of seeing the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks but he knows it's all in vain because Sebastian sees straight into him.
"Is that what you think of me?" his voice is small now, fighting the hot and angry drops pooling in his waterline as he just stares. "You think because I used to… because of how I used to live, that I'm just… what? That I'm just waiting for the next best thing?" he muttered, eyes falling to the floor, voice quivering as he curled his shoulders inward slightly. "Do you really think I'm that cheap?"
Sebastian breathed out slightly, wincing at Jacob's sudden change in tone. He ran his fingers through his hair to push it away from his forehead, eyes tracing the downcast look on his boyfriend's face with a sullen remorse burying itself beneath his bones. He shook his head softly, trying to placate the situation. He had hit a nerve he hadn't meant to hit. "Jacob, I didn't say-"
"But you did! You did! You look at me and you see nothing more than a… than some slut who doesn't know how to be in a relationship! You think that because I haven't spent my entire life building some profound, deep, and meaningful passion like you that I don't care about this!" Jacob spat, voice shaking and hands itching to wrap around himself.
Sebastian's shoulders squared at the new tilt in Jacob's voice, head tilting to the side to gauge if Jacob was being serious right now. He knew he had cut too deep and that Jacob was running on old, defensive instinct, but it didn't help the pure vexation punching its way up Sebastian's throat and needling itself onto his tongue like a viper waiting to strike.
"Don't do that- Don't use my passion as a bat to beat me with just because you're feeling exposed, Jacob. I worked for everything I have and the reason I worked for it was because it was the only thing keeping me above water when I felt like I was drowning. I don't think anything like that about you." Sebastian's words sounded harsher than he would have liked them to be, still tense over the change in the night's atmosphere.
"I never have, and I never fucking will. The fact that you think so little of yourself that you're trying to project that onto me is infuriating, Jacob. It's fucking exhausting." He sighed, hand running lines down the side of his face before he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"There it is again! Exhausting, I'm exhausting." Jacob spoke, letting out a high, breathless laugh as he gave in to his body and took a step back, cradling his arms around his middle. "That's the script, isn't it? I'm a fucking headache. Only good for a weekend of fun and then it gets too ugly, the fucking expiration date hits once I overstay my welcome." he cried out, leaning heavily into the doorframe behind him.
"I know I'm exhausting, Sebastian. I told you I was exhausting. I told you I didn't know how to do this, that I didn't know how to be in a relationship, but you fucking insisted you wanted me anyway and now you're mad that I was right! Because I'm fucking exhausting." Jacob seethed, succumbing to the tears that had been scratching at his eyelids for what felt like an eternity.
"It's exhausting, Jacob, it is exhausting… I risked my peace to let you in after Mia. I risked it to try and build a life with you because I felt something with you that I haven't felt in a very long time." Sebastian's voice hollowed out the walls of the living room. It felt like it nestled itself into the depths of the house and it was all Jacob could hear, ringing in his ears and drowning his thoughts.
"The fact that you're trying to weaponise my past against me fucking kills me Jacob. I risked my life to be able to hold you and here you are using your own low opinion of yourself to try and sabotage it the minute you feel like someone's looking too closely."
"I'm not trying to sabotage anything!" came Jacob's voice, raw and shaky, a furious cry bellowing from his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He was standing here, in Sebastian's home, surrounded by air and space and he felt strangled in place. His chest hurt.
"You are! You're trying to burn the whole house down so you can run back to what feels comfortable for you. A superficial, shallow little world where no one expects you to be real. I'm too fucking tired to play the villain in your head tonight, Jacob. Really, I am." Sebastian remarked, an irritated lilt resonating within his tone that Jacob latched onto. It fuelled the aching flame in his belly.
"If you genuinely believe that's my opinion of you, if you think I look at you and see… that… then I don't even think we should be in the same room right now." he sighed with a shake of his head, hands falling to his sides as if having exhausted all his options.
"Goodnight, Jacob." he muttered with a deep exhale, turning on his heel to walk himself into the bedroom and closing the door behind him. The latch locked in place with a terrifyingly loud click that felt like a gunshot wound to Jacob's lungs.
Jacob pressed a hand to his chest, mind a numbing daze as he stepped forward into the living room, his body threatening to follow Sebastian behind the closed door. He felt around blindly for something to support his weight as he tried to lower himself to the floor, feeling his knees threaten to buckle themselves.
The tight material of his button up shirt snagged on the rough texture of the couch as he hit the floor in an ungraceful, crumpled heap. He gripped the buttons of his shirt tightly, trying in a desperate attempt to hold himself together when it felt like his sternum was about to split in two.
He couldn't breathe. Alone in the much too big space of Sebastian's living room it felt like the walls were pressing in on all sides. The air, usually warm and mellowed with the smell of rich, early morning coffee, suddenly felt like hot cement slithering its way down his throat. Every breath he tried to take had his lungs seizing under the weight of liquid iron as it melted its way into every crevice.
Jagged, shallow gasps left his body, fighting back to try and make it past his teeth as he struggled desperately to suck in any amount of oxygen he could. His head felt like it had been forced under a pool of water, foggy and dazed as he registered the ringing sounding itself deep inside his ears.
It washed out the ambient noise of the city around him, bellowing down until all he could hear was the heavy thumping of his own heartbeat in his skull, the sound of it bashing against his ribcage. It sounded like hail pelting on a wooden rooftop, dull and deep but echoing with a roar in the silence of the living room.
Too fast.
His heart was beating way too fucking fast and his mind felt untethered and endangered. His heart was going to give out, here on this cold floor and Sebastian wouldn't find him until morning and the last words Jacob would have spoken to him would have been something intended to hurt and Jacob choked on the sob that worked its way past his teeth. He couldn't fucking breathe.
He felt smaller than small, curled on Sebastian's living room floor with tears cascading down his cheeks. He felt like nothing more than a little boy, a boy whose mother viewed tears as a design flaw, who saw pain and emotion as options. He squeezed his eyes shut but the darkness echoed louder and harmonised with his thoughts.
Exhausting. You're exhausting.
The words looped around his skull, beating on the inside of it in attempt to throw themselves out into the open. He dropped his head between his knees, hands trembling as he lifted his palm to rest against his forehead. He just wanted the words out. Out, out, out. Shaking fingers repeatedly knocked his skull into his palm, trying desperately to ease the ache, anything to shake the words loose. Get them out.
His teeth chattered against his kneecaps as he threw his head firmly down against the bone once, pressing his forehead into the jutting cartilage as a silent, chest-caving sob tore its way from his throat. He felt dizzy with it, lost in the swirling, rusted and water-damp air that punched its way down his throat between heavy inhales.
Centuries passed, he thought, as he stayed there, buried in a defensive ball against the cold wooden floor of Sebastian's home. Trapped in the stasis of his mind, his thoughts spiralled, growing and darkening with each minute passed. His wrist watch - meticulous and picked out with the intent of matching with his boyfriend -ticked away as the hours passed and Jacob felt like nothing more than a shallow, vast expanse of hollowed out skin.
His chest still ached with the strain of his heavy, anguished breaths, panic refusing to dissipate even as his surroundings started to clear. He registered the dark shadows curling themselves in the corners of the living room, bending and refracting around the sharp sliver of moonlight peaking its way through the windows.
The beam cast a soft glow in a single, sharp line across the wooden floorboards, scattering along the grains. Jacob followed the column of light towards the window, eyes blinking rapidly as they caught sight of the upright piano. His breath suddenly heavy for a multitude of other reasons.
The piano looked deranged in the dark light, worn and used and Jacob catalogued the fact that it was nothing more than the shadows of staggering moonlight shifting his view, eyes overworking themselves to adjust to the dim lighting through the sheen of tears caking them. The piano was not deranged, it was not fractured or wilted. It was…
It was beautiful. It looked like a deity holding steady against the desolate wasteland of the room. It stood, tall and proud, like the loudest thing in the room in testament to a man who had dedicated years of his life to creating something worthunderstanding. A man who had taken the deepest, darkest parts of himself and shifted them into beauty and grace and raw, churned up feeling.
Jacob cast as glance down at his hands, trembling. His watch - normally a staple of himself he couldn't live without - felt heavy and weighted on his stupid wrist, anchoring his hands to the jagged bones of his knees. His shirt - pristine and hard cut - felt like the last defence against his bruised and breaking insides, like without it, every ugly thing inside would come spilling out onto hardwood flooring.
He felt so, so wrong in his own skin.
Look at yourself, his brain screamed, cold and clinical, whispering echoes of his mother's voice in his ears. It bellowed against the walls of his skull, look at what a train wreck you are.
For the first time in his life, he felt acutely aware of what a fraud he had become. A superficial liar who dressed himself in fancy suits and expensive, designer watches to pretend he had a purpose, hiding behind his own skin to avoid taking any risks.
He had ruined this space, tainted it with himself. He had walked in to Sebastian's life, his hard earned, self-made life, and immediately started breaking things because Jacob Palmer was too weak to handle being seen for what he was. The guilt was a raw, physical thing that ate away at his throat, stealing his breaths and cracking his lungs.
It felt so entirely wrong, to be here - in this sanctuary - and let the silence wallow and dissipate around his wilted and disgraced form. The air in the apartment felt wrong. His expensive clothes felt wrong. His skin felt wrong.
His very existence felt sickening to the peace Sebastian had brought here.
He didn't want to be vain anymore. He didn't want to be 'that guy from the bar' anymore, the very thought of it caused a repulsive and vile feeling to build in the back of his throat. It turned to acid on his tongue when he remembered what it felt like to be that person. He didn't want any of it anymore. He just wanted Sebastian.
He missed Sebastian's hands on his waist and Sebastian's piano in his ear and he would trade it all, every priceless and pointless item to his name to never have to go another day in his life without those things.
He missed the way Sebastian's voice wrapped around him like a blanket and silenced the noise buzzing in his head without even trying. The realisation that he may have permanently lost it - that Sebastian might wake up tomorrow and decide Jacob wasn't worth it after all - pierced into his heart like a serrated knife's edge.
The anger was gone. The ego was dead. All that filled the hollow void was the soul-aching, all-encompassing need to just be near the only person who had ever made him feel real.
His limbs felt uncooperative and heavy as he tried to move, he didn't so much stand as he did drag himself from the floor onto soft, shaking legs. Each step felt like lead was lining his heels as he pulled himself towards the bedroom door.
The fear hit him then, that it might be locked, that his one reason for being was lying just beyond a door he had no power to open. It seethed behind his ribs and pounded up through his lungs, an ugly, angry burn beneath his skin.
But then the latched clicked and the door gave way with a soft sigh.
The bedroom was a cavern of dark and dim lighting, only illuminated by the blue tinge of the city skyline behind sheen curtains. Jacob's breath halted at the atmosphere, silent and composed, like a muted scene playing out on a pristine flat screen. He could barely bring himself to inhale as he took careful, half-steps towards the bed in the centre of the room.
The light cast a glow of beauty against Sebastian's skin as he lay with his back to the door, curled in on himself and facing the window. Like every dark scar on Jacob's heart and in Jacob's space was out shined by the spotlight blaring against Sebastian's body. Every piece of light in Jacob's life felt whittled down to the expanse of Sebastian's skin and bones.
Jacob didn't think he could stomach allowing himself to be near Sebastian, so he forced himself to walk around the bed towards his own side. He refused to look at his boyfriend's face as he sat himself on the edge of the bed, back facing Sebastian and knees drawn up high to his chest. His posture was rigid, strung tight and wound in a coil of anxiety and, for the first time in his life, Jacob Palmer didn't know what to say.
He hiccuped through a parade of silent tears, trying to steady his breathing and clear his head. He really wasn't… he didn't… his mind was a jumbled haze, words trapped behind the halting blockade of his tongue. He ran a hand over his nose, wiping the tears and, what he was sure to be much cruder substances, from his skin, before sniffling and wrapping his arms around his knees.
"I don't know how to do this, Seb…" Jacob whispered out into the depths of the room, voice ricocheting in his ears as the only identifiable noise beyond the passing of cars from the street outside. "I really… really don't know how to do any of this."
"I just… it's not… I'm not- god I sound pathetic." he exhaled a small, shallow laugh at himself. He felt like jello, loose limbed and seeping into the mattress, unsure how to hold himself in place. "I don't know why I do it, Seb. It's not… I am not looking for anything else. I don't even… I would never want anything else. I think it's just… part of me."
"As sick as that sounds - and I know it does, I know - but as sick as it sounds, I really was just trying to sign the bill. I wasn't… wasn't trying to flirt or… audition or anything. I was just existing… and it sounds worthless - I know it does - but it's all I've ever known how to do." he spoke, planting his head against his knee as he looked out to the city road outside, moonlight parting the curtains and breathing in against his face.
Bitter silence seized the room and Jacob was lost in it, he would sooner be able to recite every state in alphabetical order than register who he was and what he was even thinking. "It's… people look and they look and I- I don't even like bars, Sebastian. I don't. People are… loud and they're…they're obnoxious and I feel like they'll take one look at me and-" he swallowed, shaking his head behind another smaller sob.
He raised a palm to rub at his eyes, washing away the new tears forming and crystallising in his eyelashes as his shoulders shook with the force of the silent hitches in his breathing. "You're so good, Sebastian and it… it terrifies me. Be- because one day you might realise it and then you'll turn around and see what you gave it up for and it's… nothing. I'm… there's nothing else inside of me."
Jacob presses his mouth to the joint of his knee, trying to clamp down to stop it all, the words spilling from his lips, the hiccups leaving his throat, the sound of his heart stumbling from his lips and falling flat onto the cold and hard floor. He's fighting every part of himself to keep it together when his body feels two seconds from collapsing. The silence of the room echoed back at him mockingly, smiling crookedly at his downfall.
"So I… smile… and I turn on the charm… I do it because… because all I've ever known is the walls I've had to build around myself and it's scary- Seb it's so fucking scary to not know what might happen if they fall down. If people see." he glances down at his own palms, running them down the smooth line of his suit covered shins to try and ground himself.
"I throw it all out there in the hopes that no one looks too closely at what's underneath because it's empty, Seb. I'm empty inside and it used to be okay- it used to be fine because no one ever wanted to stay for breakfast and I didn't want them to. They left by morning and I didn't care because I didn't value them any more than I valued myself." his voice softened now, tired and whittled down to a deep boned hollowness.
He breathed a heavy breath, swallowing the build of saliva pooling in his mouth and looking up to the ceiling through the tears blinding his eyesight. "But you… you stayed past morning and then you kept staying and I'm just so fucking scaredthat you've seen me in the daylight and realised how little I actually have to offer and how stupid you were to give yourself up for me. I don't…" he shuddered at the sensation of cold air pressing against the back of his neck, isolating itself from every other perception his brain could fathom.
"You said you were exhausted- and I get it… I'm exhausted too… I'm so tired of pretending to be something that kills me inside. Someone that hurts me, deep down… I used to be so good at being temporary because I didn't care that I wasn't someone's first choice. But I do care, Seb, - about this… about you - I care so much it feels like it's burning me alive sometimes and I don't know what to do with it." he spoke against the hard-lined bone of his knee, voice breaking as the truth pulled itself from his throat and fell onto waiting bed sheets.
"And I'm terrified that you're gonna push me back out into that empty, cold shell and I'm gonna be left to pick up the pieces and try to keep myself together. I don't think- I don't think I could go back to how I was before you. I don't want to be alone like that again… I don't want to be nothing anymore…" he mumbled, lips pressed firmly atop his knee in attempt to silence the words still. They felt too raw in the shadowed expanse of the bedroom, too painful.
"But I want to be your first choice, Seb… I want walk down the street holding hands with you, and I want to wake up every morning to the sound of you playing piano and the smell of caramel coffee ready in the kitchen. I want to sit at a booth in your bar and watch the world you created for yourself and I want with every piece of me for you to want to share it with me." he breathed the words out deeply in time with a harsh jump of his chest.
"I want you to want me… and that's the scariest part because I- I don't know if I deserve to be wanted like that by someone… I'm… I'm shallow, and vain, and a right pain in the ass and I know I'm not easy to handle, I know that… but I also know that you're the best thing that I've ever allowed myself to hope for and I feel like losing you would destroy me and I don't know if I could handle that." he shook his head at himself, shoulders caving in as a quiet cry fell from his lips.
A ragged breath pulled itself from his throat as he sunk his forehead fully to his knees, hands resting limping in the space between them with palms facing the sky in defeat. Hot, angry tears traversed from his cheeks and he let them fall, too tired to fight the aching in his body and the blinding stab in his heart.
The air was thick with silence and it swarmed through Jacob's mind like a vulture waiting to strike. He let it consume him, allowing the steady and unbothered sound of Sebastian's breathing to wrap around his brain, letting the resonance of the man he loved break him into the bed sheets.
"You're not gonna lose me, Jacob…" came a soft, deep, melodic voice from behind Jacob, startling him and causing his hands to grip his chest in panic. "Jesus Christ, Seb." he mumbled, regaining his composure to try and clear the drying and sticky mess across his cheeks.
A warm and solid hand reached out the rest against his lower back, thumb soothing circles into the skin absentmindedly. "You're not gonna lose me, Jacob." he repeated, voice softer and calmer than it had been all night, Jacob shuddered at the feeling of Sebastian's hand on him, Sebastian's voice working its way beyond all of the other noise in his head.
"It's- don't worry about me, go back to sleep. I'm just saying stupid things, I'm a mess." Jacob mumbled into the sleeve of his button up, hand over his mouth to try and stifle the last remaining hiccups worming their way up his throat.
"It's not stupid, Jacob. It's not. It's the first real thing you've said all night…" he whispered into the silence of the room, cutting his partner off with a shake of his head. He didn't want to hear Jacob talk about himself like that any more. "-and you didn't wake me. I- uhm… couldn't sleep. I hate going to bed angry."
"I wasn't- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… you wanted to get away from me for a reason." Jacob sniffled, wiping his nose again to get rid of the liquid draining from it. Classy, Jacob, real classy, he thought. He's sure he looked a mess and, although immensely aware of it, he resigned with the fact there was really nothing he could do about it in his current emotive state.
"I didn't- No, Jacob. I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did. I got angry and yes, I wanted to be alone, but I'd never want to get away from you." Sebastian admitted with slightly furrowed brows, watching his boyfriend's shrunken and small form. "I got mad at you and I yelled at you and I'm sorry, Baby. I am. But what you just said- Jacob… What you just- Jesus."
Sebastian tilted his head a fraction, trying to see more of his partner's tear stained face, to meet his eyes and show him he's not mad anymore. Jacob's eyes stayed firmly on his knees, a palm coming up to wipe at the freshly dropped tear along his cheek. "Baby…" he drawled out, pushing himself upward to shuffle himself a little closer to his fragile partner.
"Baby, you're okay. You aren't stupid and you didn't do anything wrong by coming in here. I want you in my space. I want you to take up as much of it as you'd like because it's mine and you belong in it." he spoke, lifting his hand that still splayed across Jacob's lower back to press to the side of Jacob's neck across from him. Jacob's body shivered at the touch, blinking back to life in a quick, sharp hitch, tension mounting in the line of his shoulders.
"Look-" Sebastian sighed, "When we were at that bar and you threw on that smile, I didn't see someone trying to be nice. My- my head looked at you and saw my partner looking for the door because he was getting bored of me. I- I panicked and got snippy because I didn't want my heart to be broken again. But I- you need to know it's not because of you or who you were…"
His thumb rubbed soothing patterns into the skin on the back of Jacob's neck as he leaned in to press a gentle, almost barely there kiss to the side of Jacob's shoulder just before his bicep. "I projected my past onto your present, and I am sorry, Baby." he hushed against the curve of Jacob's shoulder.
"But what you just said, - about not wanting people to look too closely - I need you to know that I am, Jacob. I am looking closely. I have been for months because when I first saw you in that bar, - back when you were still a stranger to me - I didn't see something cheap." Sebastian spoke deliberately, his tone digging into Jacob's side and forcing it into his very being.
"I didn't see someone putting on a show… I saw someone who was scared, someone who felt lonely deep inside and I- Jacob, I knew. I just knew." the words settled into the atmosphere of the room, mellowing out the raw and bitter tension that had folded itself into the shadows. He shuffled himself forward on the mattress, leaning up until his chest rested gently against the side of Jacob's arm, Sebastian's right hand hooking to soothe itself against the tight knit tension of his partner's lower abdomen.
"I've spent my life searching for rhythm- fighting to find some soul beneath the noise of the city, Jacob... and if you were empty inside - if there really was nothing beneath the fancy clothes and the walled-off exterior - I would have known it the first time I held your hand." Sebastian murmured, breath gentle and warm against the shell of Jacob's ear, lighting up his insides with a burning need to bury himself into the safety of his boyfriend's chest, to hide himself from the chill of the room.
Sebastian's voice was calm in Jacob's ear and Jacob felt the tension in his shoulders give the second the melody wrapped itself around his brain. "You are not nothing to me, Jacob- Baby you are everything. You're the first thing that I think of when I wake up and the last thing I worry about at night. You're the one thing that made me look up from my piano in three years and I am not gonna let you sit here and push yourself any further into that box you've built…We're not doing this anymore-"
Jacob's eyes shot up in mild panic, his head twisting to look towards Sebastian at the words. Pure fear bit into his chest and the thought that this was it clawed deep into his belly like a soldering iron. His breath hitched briefly, lungs shuddering against the lax line of Sebastian's torso before Sebastian's hand lifted from his shoulder to pet the hair back out of Jacob's face with a placating shush.
"We're not guessing what the other person is thinking anymore. We're not fighting and we are not going to yell at each other. If I get snippy, you don't attack me for my past or use my words against me; you ask me what's wrong-" Sebastian soothed, hand returning to Jacob's lower back to rub circles into the muscle.
"-and if you feel like you're failing, you don't push me away or try to tell yourself you're not worth it; you tell me you're scared and you let me remind you why you shouldn't be." Sebastian reassured, running his palm up Jacob's spine, letting his fingers catch on every dotted ridge of the vertebrae skating along his hand.
"You don't have to know how to do this, Jacob. You just need to talk to me and trust that the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Sebastian asked, gentle and soft in the silence of the space, air settling around him like water rapids stilling in a low flat.
Jacob nodded his head sluggishly, exhaustion warping around his bones as he let his body slouch, forehead falling to rest against Sebastian's collarbone right next to his pulse point. He trembled against the solid pressure of his boyfriend's skin pillowing his cheek, like every trace of tension and anxiety slithered out of his pores at the feeling of his other half. Alive and real and there with him. "Yes…" he whimpered pitifully against Sebastian's skin.
"Okay… Okay, Baby. That's it. I missed your pretty voice… You're good, Baby. I've got you. We're good." Sebastian softened, wrapping both arms around his Heart and pulling Jacob forward to lean fully against his chest. He pressed a long, sure kiss to the hair on the crown of his boyfriend's head, breathing in the sweet smell of him through his nose.
"Wnnagot'bd…" came a muttered, jumbled stream of softly spoken words from his chest. Sebastian craned his neck a little and hummed at Jacob to repeat what he said. "I wanna go t' bed, Seb. Wanna go to sleep. Not angry anymore, wanna nap w'you…" Jacob voice came a little louder from Sebastian's sternum, his cheek pressed flush against the bone and causing his speech to slur.
"We can do that, Baby. We can go to bed." His voice lulled delicately, dropping to a thick, low whisper against Jacob's hair. "But we gotta get you out of that suit first. Can't believe you've been sitting out there in the cold in this. Must've been so uncomfortable, huh, Baby?" he murmured, palms smoothing the hair over Jacob's head once more before trailing down his back in one final press, melting the tension out of Jacob's shoulders inch by inch.
He pressed his fingers to the waist of Jacob's suit pants, pulling his button up free of its confines before letting his palms travel around Jacob's waist and across his ribs to rest on the buttons. Each button fell at a careful, meticulous pace, slow and gentle before he pushed the shirt from Jacob's shoulders, helping his hands out of the cuffs.
Jacob hummed absently, eyes half-closed and sleepy as Sebastian turned them until Jacob's back was flush with the mattress. He pressed a tender kiss to the skin over Jacob's heart, running his palms down the soft line of his boyfriend's belly. His belt worked its way free with deft hands, clicking against the quiet hush of the room before falling to the floor with a small 'dink', Sebastian sliding the harsh material of Jacob's finely tailored pants down soft, tanned thighs.
"You're so beautiful, J. So fucking precious for me. I'm so lucky that I get to have you here. It makes me so happy that I'm the one you let take care of you. The one you trust to see you like this." Sebastian whispered, eyes a fixed focus as he pressed all of his attention into the softness beneath him. Jacob sighed softly, snuggling his head against the pillows beneath it and rubbing his cheek against the soft cotton.
Sebastian looked down at him, eyes fond and gentle as he brought his palms back up to run soothing circles over Jacob's waist. He leaned down to place a tender kiss to Jacob's forehead, letting the pressure linger. "No more thinking tonight, Baby. Let's get you comfy." he murmured, leaning back and standing himself to grab out some soft clothes for his boyfriend.
He spoke absentmindedly as he moved around the room, trying to keep Jacob's attention level and alert. "It's a little cold tonight, isn't it? I might get you some long pants… that'd be nice." he muttered, mostly to himself but loud enough to keep Jacob's ears following the sound of it. "You're gonna want to wear my hoodie, I know that much. You're always a menace about it when I want them back." he smiled to himself.
Jacob's eyes trailed lazily around the room as Sebastian moved, following his boyfriend's fine form. "Come back to bed, Seb…" he mumbled sleepily, fingers coming up to rub at his tired eyes, feeling the last of the water lining his eyelashes come away at the touch. Sebastian shushed him, called him impatient… he should be mad at that, Jacob thinks. But Sebastian's voice was so soothing and there was a smile painting his face and Jacob couldn't find it in him to argue against the tease.
"Alright, alright. Settle, Petal. God, you're bossy when you've been crying." Sebastian laughed out, coming back to the bed and crawling up until he rested at Jacob's feet. Unfolding the flannel pyjama pants, the ones Jacob always denied wanting to wear because they weren't silk soft, and slowly pulling them up until they settled against the line of his hips.
Sebastian look a moment to lean down and press a kiss to Jacob's hipbone above where the waistband of the pants settled before shuffling himself up so Jacob's thighs enveloped his hips. "Alright, you're gonna have to help me out here, Baby. Sit up a little for me." he suggested, running his palms up Jacob's sides until they rested against his waist to help him up a fraction.
He pulled the material of his hoodie down over Jacob gently, helping each arm through the sleeves before patting it down his back and smoothing it out over his stomach. "There, that's better." Sebastian sighed softly.
He let his hands rest for a moment against the fleece of the jumper against Jacob's waist, thumbs running in figure eights against the material - holding, savouring - before shifting his hips back and settling himself down to lay on his back. Jacob blinked sluggishly at him, eyes unfocused in the dark light as Sebastian carded a hand through his hair to rest on the back of his neck and pulled him down to lay on top of him.
Jacob's body didn't offer a single form of resistance, letting himself be led by Sebastian's touch until his cheek was pressed against Sebastian's chest, rubbing against the solid skin to ground himself. He let their legs tangle together, slotting in place like puzzle pieces, entwined and fused like it's where they belonged.
Jacob's fingers curled into the soft fabric of Sebastian's shirt with a quiet, steadying grip. Sebastian's hand never left the back of his neck, anchoring him down against his chest, fingers soothing themselves through soft, soft hair. Jacob sighed into the feeling, eyes closing briefly. Sebastian was right… that's it… that's exactly it, Jacob's mind supplied for him.
He pulled himself from his lull to look upwards towards Sebastian's peaceful face, eyes dancing across the delicate relaxation pulled into his boyfriend's features, soft and warm and dizzying. Sebastian felt the movement and opened an eye to peer down at Jacob's moonlight-kissed face. "What can I do for you now, Baby?" he spoke softly, almost teasingly.
"Wan'a kiss." Jacob dazed, eyes twinkling so, so prettily up at his partner's smile. Sebastian quirked an eyebrow at him jokingly, his other arm falling to curl itself along Jacob's lower back, fingers dancing Monk along the defined curves of Jacob's body, soothing a warm circle against the fleece of the jumper.
"A kiss, huh?" Sebastian spoke, arm pulling a little more to press Jacob further against his sternum, closer to his heart. "After all of that tonight… you just want a kiss, hmm? I suppose that you laying all over me just isn't close enough, is it?" Sebastian murmured indulgently, fond and happy at the lack of disagreement written over Jacob's face.
"Alright then, Baby. I suppose you deserve a kiss…"