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Unknown Number

Cliff Marleau is the best hockey player in the world - Hayden Pike

Cliff

what the fuck?

Pike, is that you?

is this a joke?

Unknown Number

yeah, i’m Pike

Cliff

what’s your problem?

Unknown Number

i just love your game, man

Cliff

okay?

...

you lost a bet, didn’t you?

Unknown Number

yeah.

Cliff

fuck you, pike.

Cliff

Pike.

Pike

what

Cliff

do you know Jane?

Pike

what?

okay, is this some kind of joke?

i deserved it i guess

Cliff

no jokes

do you know a girl named Jane from Montreal?

probably a Boston fan

Cliff

why the fuck are you sending me a screen of Montreal's wiki page?

Pike

we’re almost 2 million people. how the fuck do you think i know a SPECIFIC girl called Jane who lives in Montreal and has bad taste in hockey?

Cliff

fuck you

you are useless

Pike

fuck you.

Pike

i’m sorry

Cliff

what?

another bet?

Pike

no

…

do you know a Lily from Boston?

Cliff

...

first of all: fuck you

second:

Pike

yeah. ok.

Seen

10 minutes later

Pike

tbh i really hoped you knew Lily

i’m going crazy

Seen

An hour later

Cliff

okay, we can make a deal:

you can talk to me about your Lily, if i can talk to you about Jane

but i need you to swear secrecy

Pike

ew, she’s not MY Lily, i’m married

but it works for me

i'll keep your secret if you keep mine

Cliff

okay, deal

i’ll start

there’s a friend of mine who’s texting with a girl in Montreal

Pike

if you have a puck bunny here, you can just say it, i won’t judge

Cliff

she’s not my fucking puck bunny

she’s my friend’s

omg why am i even talking with you

Pike

okay, okay, go ahead

i won't interrupt you anymore

Cliff

i don’t even know if she’s a puck bunny tbh

he says they just hookup but he’s always blushing and giggling when he texts her

and if he’s in montreal he’s ALWAYS texting or opening her chat and just staring, even when we’re almost on the ice

it’s been years, it’s been going on almost ever since i've known him, it’s crazy

but that's not the problem, the problem is when they don’t get to see each other

he’s irritable as hell and he terrorizes the team

the game that got cancelled because of that snowstorm in 2011? we had 2 weeks of the worst mood ever

man i love him, he’s one of my best friends, but it was bad.

it was so bad that i remember the fucking day of a snowstorm in fucking 2011!!

and after the rookie awards? dunno if they fought or what

omg why am i telling all this to Hayden fucking Pike?

i’m going crazy

i just wanna know who this Jane is, and i don’t even know what i’ll do with that information

i need to look this girl who’s haunting my life in the eyes

and these fucking olympics killed me.

last fall he was LEVITATING. the happiest person in the world.

and now? it's been two months that i just wanna kms.

i don’t know what happened at the olympics, but i know for sure that there’s something going on because of Jane

oh fuck, do you think she’s an athlete?

he’s brutal, man.

always at the rink, always training

training hard, playing harder

i mean, i can’t complain because we’re winning, but it shouldn’t be like this

Pike

sounds rough

Cliff

i’m not done.

Pike

ok

Cliff

and he always says “there is no Jane”,”not my girlfriend”, “she’s nothing”, but we’re all held hostage by this relationship

it’s like she’s a fucking state secret, like she’s a fucking KGB spy.

and for someone who’s anything but private about his hookups, it’s suspicious and fucking weird

okay, i’m done

Pike

do i have to guess who your “friend” is?

someone of your team i see

Cliff

trust me, you don’t want to know who he is

and you don’t want to chirp him about this

Pike

okay, okay

but why are you telling ME?

Cliff

because i don’t know how much my teammates know

and i don’t want them to ask him because the situation is quite serious rn

i know it’s pathetic, but you’re my best option, Pike

and i also think you’re not stupid enough to mention Jane to him, if you like your teeth

Pike

i see

Cliff

don’t judge me, you reached me out too

Pike

yeah. i can’t judge because i’m in the same situation

er, not the same same because my friend isn’t a dick like yours is

Cliff

watch it Pike

but you’re probably right

so? it’s your turn

spill

Pike

okay, the situation here is similar i guess

no one is terrorizing the team tho

btw what the fuck is wrong with these olympics? my friend it’s in a really bad mood after them too

omg, i never thought Lily could be an athlete? It could make sense, two committed athletes together, it sounds just right

or maybe she’s not an athlete and she left him because of the distance? and because they can’t see each other a lot?

i don’t know, but what you said about Jane and my friend’s relationship with Lily are pretty similar, it’s kind of weird

it started some years ago, i can’t remember if i ever knew a version of him that wasn’t texting with Lily

but he treats her like some huge secret

he’s always very private

i’m his best friend and he talks to me about almost everything, but he’s always scared as fuck when i bring Boston Lily up

i mean, i’m happy if he’s getting laid, and he knows it, but he’ll deny it to the very end if i say he’s hooking up with Lily

and he plays better when they see each other, he’s feral, a fucking machine

but when they’re apart? he’s a mess

he’s always a good player ofc, but he’s obsessive, more than usual, and he’s usually VERY obsessive

okay, maybe he’s terrorizing the team a bit.

and it’s not the first time

i can tell something’s wrong with Lily because he never leaves the rink and he always pretends perfection

and he can’t be more fucking perfect, it’s gonna kill him, or he’s gonna kill US

because we can’t reach the level of perfection he aims for

okay, now i read your Jane story and I wrote down Lily’s story and it sounds crazy how they are so similar

what’s the issue with these girls??

Cliff

i think i know who you’re talking about

Pike

i think i know who you’re talking about too

Cliff

we’re gonna pretend we don’t know who they are?

Pike

yes please, i don’t really want to talk about him knowing he’s #him

Cliff

i get why you hate him ahah but he’s a really good guy if you get to know him

Pike

i’ll take your word for it

Cliff

let me just say it’s funny that captain Canada is terrorizing his team for a girl

Pike

almost as funny as the russian menace being whipped for a girl

Two weeks later

Cliff

so

who do you think they are?

Pike

Lily and Jane?

Cliff

yes, why do you think they’re keeping it a secret?

i have some ideas, but mostly for Lily i guess

Pike

spill

Cliff

Lily’s married?

Pike

he would never…

but i had the same thought

you think Jane’s married too?

Cliff

no, it doesn’t make sense

i mean, he dgaf about these things

he lives for scandals

Pike

yeah but maybe he really likes this girl?

Cliff

ok, maybe she’s married.

Pike

what if they are famous?

Cliff

famous and married?

Pike

OMFG WHAT IF THEY ACTUALLY ARE FAMOUS AND MARRIED??

Cliff

i can see why there’s so much secrecy now

Cliff

Lily’s a pornstar

and Jane is a nun

Pike

i can’t picture #him with a pornstar

Cliff

but

that’s why it makes sense!

it could damage his image, so the secrecy!!

and the nun thing too, but in a weird opposite way?

Pike

mh

why does this make sense?

Pike

Jane’s a law student

they met when they were young at a party and they hooked up

but a scandal would be a problem for her career, and he likes her? (you said he’s a good guy, so i’ll go with it) so he promised to keep it a secret and they kept hooking up

Cliff

wtf man, are you watching a romcom or something?

Pike

no, my wife is talking to me about a book she read

the protagonist is a law student

Cliff

Jane’s Amish

Pike

Amish?

Cliff

nothing, i just watched a documentary on the Amish and i thought about it lol

Pike

why are you even watching documentaries on the Amish??

Pike

okay, let’s go back to the athlete thing

would it be so crazy?

Cliff

no, actually

it could explain the olympics gate

Pike

it’s just weird that it happened at the same time for both of them..

OMG

Cliff

what

Pike

what if Roz*nov hooked up with Jane and they found out and -

BOOM

olympics gate.

Cliff

OH.

Pike

congrats on the Cup

you need to thank Jane i guess

Roz*nov was brutal throughout the playoffs, i’m not surprised you won

Cliff

thank you

and thank you, Fucking Montreal Jane

you made my life worse than it needed to be for the past 4 months, but we won the Cup eventually!

Cliff

ugh i think they saw each other

and now he is… sad?

idk we just met for a drink before he left for Russia

and the mood was, idk, different

Pike

different how?

Cliff

idk he’s not angry, he’s kinda scared and sad

i’m seriously worried

i never saw him like this

and some girls tried to hit on him and he dgaf

Pike

oh.

omg why am i sorry for him??

Pike

okay, something’s going on

he always goes to his batcave during summer, but he has been quieter than usual, so i invited him home and he was…sad?

why the fuck do those two have the same mood?

Cliff

maybe it’s a rivalry thing?

Pike

are they rivals even over who can be more pathetic for a girl?

Cliff

at this point

i honestly don’t know what to think

Pike

this is absurd.

Pike

flash update: they’re totally talking again

Cliff

Jane and Lily are twins

Pike

what?

Cliff

hey didn’t know until the olympics, and when they figured out they were dating two twins they had to break up with them

are there any twin athletes?

or maybe one of them is an athlete and the other works in sports?

Pike

it makes sense

but

how the fuck could two people raised in the same house fit with both of them?

Cliff

twins can be different?

like a good twin and an evil one?

Pike

mh

and why the secrecy?

Cliff

the evil one is Lily, the good one, loved by everyone, is Jane.

opposites attract, don’t they?

i’m pretty sure that Lily’s a kind of sex freak, a public menace, Roz’s female version lol

and Jane’s the perfect girl, loved by the people, that can’t be associated with him without putting a stain on her perfect image

Pike

if we’re coming up with insane theories, i’ll say that they are together

Cliff

together? like Roz is secretly Lily and Hollander is Jane?

lol

this is funnier than the pornstar and the nun theory

Pike

it would be funny

with the rivalry and so on

even if i’m pretty happy that #him isn’t Lily, i would not want someone like #him as my best friend’s love interest

Cliff

hey.

Pike

...

Cliff

okay, you’re right.

Cliff

the sun is shining, the birds are singing

my evil russian menace is blushing all over his phone, and he’s always in a good mood

Montreal Jane, if i ever find out who you are, i’ll buy you anything you want for making my world a better place over the past six months

Pike

oh captain, my captain

Boston Lily, you’re my favorite!

continue to keep my captain well laid and we’re gonna win the Cup!

Cliff

congrats on the Cup!

Pike

thank you

and thank you Lily i guess!

Cliff

oh my god.

he’s checking the schedule over and over to see when we play in Montreal??

“russians don’t blush”

NO THEY ARE FUCKING ON FIRE

Pike

oh, this is kind of cute?

Cliff

ahah he’s growing on you

Cliff

AGAIN??

Pike

what can i say, we’re unbeatable

Cliff

don’t take credit for things you haven’t done, we all know Lily’s the real hero here

Pike

i literally played every game??

but yes. god bless Lily.

Pike

jfc.

i’m down for the evil sex freak twin theory again.

she was sexting him while we were running??

omg

Cliff

you have a million kids, Pike

and are you scandalized by sexting?

Pike

i’m not.

i’m scandalized that SHANE is allowing this.

WHEN WE’RE WORKING OUT

he’s always super strict when it comes to practice and workouts

Cliff

omg he’s so in love it’s kind of gross

i just wish he would admit it

Pike

oh my fucking god.

something happened.

he came back from Lily’s house i guess

with different clothes and red rimmed eyes

he doesn’t want to talk about it

Cliff

here we go again!!

Cliff

i’m back with the theory they are together

er. not anymore i guess

they are fucking linked

Pike

how bad?

olympics gate kind of bad?

Cliff

worse than ever.

Pike

yeah. same here.

Pike

he’s miserable

i can’t

Cliff

isn’t he dating Rose Landry?

Pike

yeah.

but he’s miserable

he thinks he looks happy, but i can see it

i guess he likes her, but not as much as Lily?

Cliff

he’s dating THE Rose Landry and he’s miserable about it?

Pike

yeah.

unbelievable.

Cliff

Roz seems to hate her

or he just hates Hollander, idk

he’s weirder than usual, we can’t even watch the news if they’re talking about Hollander and Rose Landry

but they’re literally the new golden couple, they’re EVERYWHERE

so we’re only watching Red Sox games now

Pike

what? why?

Cliff

in baseball they don’t talk about #THEM

BUT WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW BASEBALL WORKS

Pike

THE CHEMISTRY??

Cliff

YES RIGHT??

we’re lucky to not have them on the same team

Pike

yeah, no one would have a chance against them

Pike

tbh i believed in the “they’re together” theory

Cliff

it was YOUR theory??

Pike

it doesn’t mean i believe every theory i come up with

Cliff

fair

Pike

anyway

i think we were wrong

there's no way they broke up, have been miserable since october, and now have THAT chemistry on ice

Cliff

yeah, hold on.

half an hour later

Cliff

okay, we were wrong

i asked some people and they said they were civil, they were keeping the rivalry stuff, chirping and so on, but not a “we had a secret relationship for years, then we broke up, and were miserable about each other” thing, just basic “Hollander vs Rozanov, best rivals in hockey” stuff

Pike

oh :(

ten minutes later

Pike

have you asked if they looked like exes?

Cliff

i obviously didn’t ask that.

i’m not stupid, and i know how to be smooth

Carter said that he was worried they’d bite each other so he went to them in the lounge, but they were just talking and drinking a beer

or Roz was just being Rozanov in the pool, playing with kids and annoying Hollander

Pike

uh. okay.

Cliff

tbh i kind of liked the theory of them together

it’d be the freakiest thing ever

Pike

yeah, it would be crazy

but…idk

Cliff

it’s a bit weird, isn’t it?

Pike

weird because they’re men?

Cliff

no, not that

but the two of us talking about them being together

Pike

man, they’ve been driving us crazy for years

and we’ve been creating theories for years

atp i don’t even know what even counts as weird when we’re talking about them

Cliff

you have a point

but idk, what if i ask him?

Jane is a nun, a beloved twin, or your rival?

Pike

what kind of flowers do you like for your funeral?

Cliff

maybe i should get him drunk before

Cliff

tbh i kind of liked the theory of them together

it’d be the freakiest thing ever

Pike

yeah, it would be crazy

but…idk

Cliff

it’s a bit weird, isn’t it?

Pike

weird because they’re men?

Cliff

no, not that

but the two of us talking about them being together

Pike

man, they’ve been driving us crazy for years

and we’ve been creating theories for years

atp i don’t even know what even counts as weird when we’re talking about them

Cliff

you have a point

but idk, what if i ask him?

Jane is a nun, a beloved twin, or your rival?

Pike

what kind of flowers do you like for your funeral?

Cliff

maybe i should get him drunk before

Cliff

Pike

you’ve got a mean right hook

you almost broke my nose

Pike

fuck you

Cliff

hey, i’m sorry

i really am

Pike

okay

don’t expect an apology for hitting you

Cliff

i’m not expecting that

you’re a good friend, i’d do the same

and it’s hockey

i just wanted to ask you for an update on Hollander

Pike

he’s alive

not thanks to you for sure

he’s out of surgery, fractured collarbone and concussion

Cliff

oh, okay, so he’s out for the playoff

fuck

please say i’m sorry

Pike

ok.

listen, i know it’s hockey. but he’s my best friend.

i hate you rn

Cliff

fair

but…can you give me his room number?

Rozanov wants to come visit

Pike

Rozanov?

for what? to chirp Shane? to kick him while he’s down?

Cliff

no chirps, just captain-captain stuff

tbh i’d rather take ten more punches to the face from you than deal with how Roz reacted again

it’s a miracle i’m still alive

they’re rivals, but Hollander is HIS rival

no one can touch him

and he was fucking scared

“Russians don’t panic”

but i think he’s actually gonna have a panic attack if he doesn’t see with his own eyes that Hollander’s actually alive

no, actually i think he’s been having a panic attack since Hollander was taken off the ice

Pike

oay

room 317, third floor

Cliff

thank you

and i’m sorry again

Pike

oh. fuck.

Cliff.

Marleau

oh. fuck. oh. fuck. OH. FUCKING. FUCK.

i know who Jane and Lily are.

Cliff

another theory?

Pike

no.

I KNOW.

i walked in on them.

oh. fuck.

Cliff

WHAT??

Pike

okay, i can’t say anything because i promised

but

you can guess

we theorized it!

it’s in this chat.

we were pretty sure tbh

Cliff

wtf Pike

just say it

it’s been four fucking years we’re texting about fucking Lily and Jane

and how did you walk in on them?

wait

like you walked in on Lily AND Jane? or on Hollander and Lily?

Pike

YES??

kind of both?

i swear, i can’t tell you.

but when you figure it out you’ll know why

Cliff

Pike istg

fuck

okay, i’ll play this game but i need you to answer

Pike

okay..?

Cliff

i’m checking our theories

are they famous?

Pike

yes

Cliff

are they athletes?

Pike

yes

Cliff

i think they're not married, too many years, are they?

Pike

no

Cliff

okay

i’m fucking digging through our 2014 texts

no pornstar and no nun, i guess

Pike

no

Cliff

oh fuck

it can’t be, right?

Pike

oh, you clocked it!

Cliff

this is the freakiest thing ever.

but it makes a lot of sense

wtf

their names!

Lily and Jane

how did we not see it before?

Pike

yeah, i feel dumb.

but we kind of did?

that was our best theory, the fucking ASG led us astray

Cliff

yeah, i always loved that theory

Pike

this is fucking nuts

i’m reading our old texts and everything makes SO MUCH SENSE now

Cliff

oh no

oh no no no no no

this is not good

this is a fucking disaster

oh my god

Pike

what’s going on?

Cliff

i just realised it’s not Rozanov and Jane

but Rozanov and fucking Shane Hollander

Pike

yes, and?

Cliff

fuck

i don’t wanna see Rozanov ever again

i won’t be able to look him in the face anymore

oh fuck fuck fuck

Pike

wtf man

are you homophobic now?

Cliff

no

fuck

i’m not

wtf

Pike

so what’s the deal?

Cliff

what’s the deal??

I ALMOST KILLED HIS MAN ON THE ICE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM

Pike

right.

omg

RIGHT

Cliff

he was furious

i thought that he could kill me with his eyes

and now i know why

he loves Hollander so much

there are a few certainties in life, but one of them is definitely that Rozanov loves Jane.

HE’S THE FUCKING LOVE OF HIS LIFE

Pike

ew

Cliff

are YOU homophobic?

Pike

no, it’s just Rozanov.

but yeah, they love each other so much.

they love each other so much they’re gross