Chapter Text
Shane was slumped on his couch. The last few weeks had been intense, to say the least. First came the celebrations after winning the Stanley Cup. Then came the realization that the pain in his right leg wasn’t just wear and tear from another grueling playoff run. Then came the cold doctor’s office where his entire life changed with a single word.
Cancer.
Fucking bone cancer, of all things.
Shane had treated his body like a temple since he was a teenager, all in pursuit of becoming the best hockey player he possibly could. And he’d done it. He was a back-to-back Stanley Cup-winning captain.
Apparently, none of that mattered to cancer. Cancer didn’t fucking care if you always ate clean and exercised regularly. Cancer didn’t even fucking care if your life was exactly where you wanted it to be. Cancer came for even the brightest stars, apparently.
He reached up and pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. Letting out a groan he pushed back the tears that were stinging the backs of his eyes. His mom had wanted to go to his appointment with him, thinking he would need the moral support. It had taken more than the usual goading to get her to relent and agree to swing by his place after work instead. At the time he had been certain it would just be some kind of strain that could be solved with some intense PT. Sure, a small voice in the back of his mind had whispered that the pain was deeper than muscle and tendon level, but his focus on hockey kept him from giving that voice any power.
Now he knew, that voice had been right. Fuck. Why hadn’t he just let that voice win? Why hadn’t he allowed his mom to come with him to this appointment? Now, he was sitting alone in his empty apartment wishing someone could take this burden off his shoulders. Or at least let him break down even a little.
Who was he kidding? Even if his mom were here he’d be as stoic about all this as ever.
A small part of him itched to pull out his phone and press dial on Lily’s contact. But, he couldn’t because that would be crossing a line they had drawn in the sand years ago. This thing between them was just sex. Casual. No feelings involved. Especially not feelings regarding major medical crises. So, Ilya was out.
Shane stood up and started to slowly pace the main room of his apartment. He couldn’t move as easily as he had before the playoffs began, but the movement helped to sooth his spiralling thoughts. He needed someone, but his mom wasn’t available until after her meeting with some of his sponsors. So, a few hours from now. He could call Hayden and spend the afternoon with the Pikes but that seemed as desirable as a root canal in his current mental state. With that thought, Shane paused, his options extremely limited. So, before he could stop himself or second guess what he was doing, Shane pulled out his phone and shot off a text to JJ.
Within minutes, JJ was knocking on his door. Shane let out a breath as he limped to let in one of his oldest friends. The man was all smiles and his curly hair perfectly styled; like perhaps he’d been out on a date or something important when Shane had reached out. Shane felt the guilt start to creep in as he took in his friend’s really put-together appearance.
“Shit, JJ were you in the middle of something?” Shane stumbled over his words as he shuffled to the couch and collapsed once more.
JJ gave a shrug and waved his hand, “Don’t worry about it, Capitaine. You never call asking for help.”
Shane bit his bottom lip, “Not sure I asked for help per se."
“You asked me to come over. Randomly. After a successful cup winning season when you are normally holed up in your cabin of isolation already. I’d say that’s a cry for help if there ever was one,” JJ plopped down on the other end of the couch, turning to face Shane.
“I need to get something off my chest, but you can’t react until I am done and you can’t get emotional once you’ve heard. I just need someone to talk to about this.” Shane sighed, clasping his hands together in his lap, his eyes briefly holding JJ’s before looking away.
“There a reason you’re telling me and not Pike? Don’t get me wrong I am grateful, but he’s kind of your ride or die between us two,” JJ leaned forward, his face open and ready for whatever Shane had to throw at him.
“Hayd would definitely get emotional. Plus he’s with his family right now and I can’t handle all of that.” Shane twiddled his thumbs, working up the nerve to continue, “During the playoffs I started to notice some persistent pain in my right leg. I brushed it off as some muscle strain due to the intensity of the playoffs. I mean our run against Boston went to 7 games alone.”
Shane paused and briefly glanced up in time to see JJ nod his head in understanding. He took that as a good sign to continue. Taking a deep breath, Shane found the words he had heard only hours before but hadn’t been brave enough to say aloud yet.
“But, the pain continued. Even with ice, stretching, and resting my leg has continued to hurt to the point it hurts to even walk down my stairs.” Shane motioned to the staircase behind him that led up to his bedroom, “So, this past week I’ve been seeing my doctor, getting tests done, the whole bit. Trying to figure out why I’m in so much pain and how to fix it.”
This is the point where Shane faltered. The words, he’d been sure he’d be able to get out, got caught in his throat. Cancer. I six letter word and yet it would turn his life into a before and an after. Saying it out loud to his friend, teammate, and alternate captain, would make it all real. He could never take it back.
“This morning, I met with my doctor and received a diagnosis. Turns out the way to fix it involves quite a few treatments and procedures. I have osteosarcoma,” Shane swallowed around the lump in his throat and coughed in an attempt to hold his tears back once again.
A heavy silence fell between the two friends. JJ cleared his throat at one point, but still didn’t speak or respond in any kind of way. Shane let the silence linger. He knew JJ just needed some time to organize his thoughts. Hell, Shane had taken hours to even accept that what his doctor told him was true.
“Are you going to be okay?” JJ’s voice came out timid, as if he wasn’t quite sure how to respond to the news that his best friend was sick.
“I’ll be meeting with Coach Theriault and the GM in a few days to go over everything. But, I wanted you to know first. I won’t be playing next season,” Shane whispered, ignoring JJ’s response entirely. “I’ll have a few months of chemotherapy to hopefully shrink the tumor. Then, my doctor will go in and surgically remove what’s left and reconstruct my bone.”
Before JJ could respond, a knock sounded on Shane’s door. He looked up, confused. Shane hadn’t asked anyone else to come over. Maybe it was his mom, out of her meeting early. He moved to stand up, but JJ threw up a hand and motioned for him to stay put. So Shane sat back and watched as JJ answered his door. On the other side was a frazzled Hayden Pike.
“Shane! Oh, hey JJ. You know what? I am glad you are both here. I need a break from the kids. Arthur has the summer cold from hell and Jade and Ruby are antagonizing him at every turn. Please tell me I can stay here for a few hours to decompress. Jackie’s parents are staying with us and she already escaped for a hair appointment.” Hayden’s words came out a mile a minute as he made himself at home by immediately wandering to the kitchen and grabbing a drink from Shane’s fridge.
JJ glanced back at Shane with a raised eyebrow and a head nod. Silently asking Shane if he wanted JJ to get rid of Hayden. Shane leaned forward and dropped his head into his hands with a shake in dismissal. The way he saw it, Hayden needed to know about his diagnosis too, and telling it this one time would be easier than trying to do this whole song and dance again while risking that Hayden would be more distracted.
“Hey, Hayd, actually, could you come in here and sit down. I need to talk to you and JJ about something important,” Shane finally sat up and hollered toward the direction that Hayden had disappeared to.
Hayden came sauntering back into the front room, a big grin on his face. “Sure man, is this about your plans for us making another cup run next year too?”
Shane and JJ exchange a quiet look. “Not exactly.”
There must’ve been something revealing in Shane’s tone, because Hayden’s face suddenly dropped and he stiffly sat down in the chair across from where Shane and JJ sat on the couch. He leaned forward, as if to provide comfort with his proximity.
“Shit, what happened? Did someone die?”
Shane closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “When you arrived I was just telling JJ that my doctor diagnosed me with osteosarcoma in my right leg this morning. I’ll need chemotherapy and surgery in the coming months. So, I’m out for next season.”
Hayden’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open. For once, there wasn’t an immediate response from his best friend. Shane watched as Hayden’s gaze dropped toward his right leg, lingering there for a few seconds before making its way back up to Shane’s face.
“You have cancer?” Hayden finally asked, his voice cracking on the last word.
Shane hated hearing someone else say it. Somehow osteosarcoma sounded clinical enough that he could separate himself from it. Like maybe he was talking about someone else’s scans and someone else’s treatment plan. Cancer was different. Cancer was the word people whispered when they thought someone was dying.
“Yeah, Hayd. I have cancer.”
“Jesus Christ.” Hayden shot up from his seat, his hands immediately running through his hair. He paced away from them before turning back around. “What the fuck, Shane? You have fucking cancer?”
“Pike.” JJ’s warning came out soft from beside Shane.
Shane glanced over at JJ and saw the conflict written all over his face. His friend had done exactly what Shane asked of him. He hadn’t gotten emotional, even when Shane had dropped what was probably the biggest bombshell of his life in JJ’s lap. But now his eyes were glassy and the muscles in his jaw were clenched tight.
Apparently, Hayden losing his shit was making JJ’s promise harder to keep.
“I know what I said.” Shane sighed and rubbed his hands down the thighs of his sweatpants. “I’m not really sure what you want me to say here.”
“I don’t know!” Hayden threw his arms out in frustration. “I just walked in here bitching about my kids having a cold and you tell me you have bone cancer. Give me a minute to catch the fuck up.”
“Hayd, sit down before you make me anxious.”
That seemed to get through to him. Hayden stopped his pacing immediately and dropped back into the chair. He didn’t relax though. Instead, he leaned forward until his elbows rested against his knees and clasped his hands together tightly.
JJ shifted next to Shane before clearing his throat. “I’m going to break one of your rules.”
Shane furrowed his brow. “What rule?”
“The one where I’m not supposed to react.” JJ finally turned his body completely toward Shane. “Because you ignored me before.”
“I didn’t ignore you.”
“You did.” JJ’s voice remained surprisingly calm, but Shane could hear the emotion sitting just underneath it. “I asked if you were going to be okay and you started talking about Coach and missing next season.”
Shane opened his mouth to argue, but nothing came out. JJ was right. He had completely sidestepped the question.
“So, I’m asking again, Capitaine.” JJ reached over and rested his hand against Shane’s shoulder. “Are you going to be okay?”
The room suddenly felt way too small.
Shane swallowed and looked between his two friends. Hayden looked terrified. JJ looked like he was desperately trying not to look terrified. Neither expression made Shane feel any better about having to answer.
“My doctor is optimistic,” Shane finally admitted. “Obviously there are a lot more tests and appointments coming. They have to see how the tumor responds to chemo before they’ll know exactly what surgery will look like, but he thinks we have a good treatment plan.”
“That still doesn’t answer the question.” Hayden’s words came out quieter now.
Shane turned toward him. “What do you want me to say, Hayd?”
“I want you to tell me you aren’t dying,” Hayden’s voice was now wet.
There it was. Shane felt his stomach drop.
JJ squeezed his shoulder tighter while Hayden’s eyes started to fill with tears. Unlike JJ, Hayden made absolutely no attempt to blink them away.
“No one told me I’m dying.” Shane forced the words out slowly. He needed Hayden to hear him and actually absorb what he was saying instead of jumping ten steps ahead. “My doctor thinks this is treatable. The goal is to get rid of the cancer and get me back to normal.”
Hayden vigorously wiped at his eyes with the heel of his palm. “Okay. Good. That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
Another silence fell over the three of them. This one felt different than the one Shane had shared with JJ earlier. It was heavier somehow. Now the words were out there and two of the people closest to him knew his life had fundamentally changed that morning.
Hayden sniffled and looked down at Shane’s leg again.
“Are you going to lose it?”
JJ sucked in a breath. “Jesus, Pike.”
“What?” Hayden snapped, briefly looking at JJ before his focus returned to Shane. “You’re telling me you weren’t thinking it?”
Shane couldn’t really blame him. He’d asked his doctor some variation of the same question almost immediately after hearing the diagnosis.
“That isn’t the plan.” Shane rubbed his palm against his right thigh as he spoke. “The surgeon wants to do something called limb-sparing surgery. Basically, they remove the tumor and the affected portion of bone and reconstruct everything afterward.”
Hayden seemed to pale even more. “And then you can walk normally?”
“Eventually," Shane replied, keeping his tone steady, unemotional.
“Play?”
Shane froze. Of course Hayden would ask the one question Shane had been avoiding thinking too hard about since leaving the doctor’s office. He felt JJ’s hand slip away from his shoulder.
“They don’t know yet.”
Hayden sat back in his chair. His face crumpled slightly before he gained control of it again, “Fuck.”
“Pretty much.”
“But you’ll be alive.” JJ’s voice pulled Shane’s attention away from Hayden.
Shane turned toward him.
JJ’s eyes were wet now, but there was something almost determined behind them. “I mean it. I don’t give a shit about next season right now. You do whatever the doctors tell you to do. You get better. We’ll handle everything else.”
Shane stared at him. “Did Jean-Jacques Boiziau just say he doesn’t give a shit about hockey?”
“Temporarily.” JJ managed a small smile. “Do not tell anyone. I have a reputation.”
Despite the tightness in his chest, Shane let out a small laugh.
Hayden didn’t, “You should’ve called me.”
Shane’s smile immediately disappeared. He glanced past JJ toward his other friend. Hayden was crying freely now. He swiped angrily at his cheeks, clearly frustrated with himself for it, but the tears continued anyway. Shane felt the guilt bubbling up, making it hard to breathe.
“Hayd, you were with your family," he finally managed to force the words out.
“So?”
“Arthur is sick. Your in-laws are staying with you. You literally came over here because your house is chaos,” Shane pointed out. He knew his friend wouldn't take his excuse, but he had to try and explain himself regardless. The full truth was harder to hear so Shane was determined not to voice it, after all it was moot now anyways. All things considered.
“My son has a cold, Shane!” Hayden’s voice rose again. “You have cancer. Those things are not even remotely on the same fucking level.”
“I didn’t want to ruin your day,” Shane looked down at his hands, hoping the floor might swallow him up. Emotional conversations had never been his forte and usually he could handle Hayden with logical responses, but that was before he had cancer.
Hayden stared at him like Shane had suddenly started speaking Russian.
“Ruin my—” Hayden cut himself off and stood up again. This time, instead of pacing, he crossed the small distance between the chair and couch. “You’re such a fucking idiot sometimes.”
“Thanks.”
“I mean it.”
Before Shane could figure out what Hayden was doing, his best friend leaned down and wrapped both arms around him.
Shane immediately stiffened, “Oh, come on.”
“Nope.” Hayden tightened his hold. “You didn’t give me any stupid rules about not getting emotional. That was apparently just JJ, so I’m taking advantage.”
Shane glared over Hayden’s shoulder at JJ. “Did you tell him?”
“I didn’t have to. You’re very predictable,” JJ shrugged with a somewhat relaxed grin.
Shane truly loved his friends and how much they supported him despite his quirks and stubbornness. JJ’s amusement only lasted a few seconds before his expression softened again. Shane turned his face away. Hayden’s embrace was warm and familiar and suddenly Shane could feel that stupid lump forming in his throat again. He’d spent the last few hours desperately trying not to cry. Crying made everything too real. Crying meant admitting that he was scared and that he couldn’t control what happened next.
His arms slowly came up and wrapped around Hayden’s back, “I’m scared, Hayd.”
The admission was barely above a whisper. Hayden’s hold tightened instantly, “I know, buddy.”
That did it.
Shane squeezed his eyes shut as the first tears escaped. His shoulders started to shake and he buried his face against Hayden before either of his friends could get a good look at him. A second set of arms wrapped around them a few moments later.
“Seriously?” Shane choked out through his tears.
“You changed the rules,” JJ muttered from somewhere beside his head. “I am allowed to be emotional now.”
“I hate you both.”
Hayden laughed wetly into Shane’s shoulder. “Yeah, yeah. We love you too.”
The three of them stayed tangled together for another minute before Shane finally started to feel ridiculous. He pulled back first, wiping at his face with the sleeve of his shirt while JJ settled back into his spot on the couch. Hayden returned to the chair, but this time he dragged it closer.
For a few moments no one said anything. Shane appreciated the silence. His chest still hurt from crying and he was pretty sure his face looked like shit, but oddly enough he felt lighter than he had before JJ arrived. Hayden picked at the label on his bottle, his eyes focused on his hands.
“What about Lily?”
Shane’s entire body went rigid, “What about her?”
Hayden glanced up, “Does she know?”
“No.”
“Are you going to tell her?”
Shane immediately looked away, suddenly finding the coffee table way more interesting than either of his friends. “No.”
JJ’s eyebrows shot up. “Who is Lily?”
“Nobody,” Shane muttered immediately, trying to shut down this discussion. Bringing up Ilya just hurt too much. He couldn't handle thinking about him right now, especially knowing he'd probably never see him off the ice ever again. Casual doesn't extend to support during cancer.
“She’s not nobody,” Hayden corrected before taking another drink. “She’s that girl he’s been hooking up with for years.”
Shane glared at him. “Thanks, Hayd.”
“What? JJ knows you have sex.”
“I did not need details.” JJ held up both hands, amusement briefly breaking through the heaviness that had settled over them.
Hayden ignored him. His attention stayed firmly on Shane. “Why aren’t you telling her?”
“Because there’s nothing to tell.”
Hayden’s face scrunched up. “You have cancer. I feel like there is quite literally something to tell.”
Shane sighed and pressed his fingers against his temples. This was exactly why he hadn’t called Hayden in the first place. JJ had accepted Shane’s boundaries. Hayden treated them like minor inconveniences he could barrel through if he asked enough questions.
“Lily and I aren’t like that.”
“Like what?” Hayden's pushiness was quickly grating on Shane's nerves, but he wouldn't snap at his best friend. He wouldn't. That wouldn't be fair.
“Serious.” Shane dropped his hands back into his lap. “We hook up when we’re in the same city sometimes. That’s it.”
Hayden stared at him for a moment too long, his gaze somehow both pointed and exasperated in the way only a parent gets with their children.
“What?” Shane asked, completely confused.
“Nothing,” Hayden waved his hand in dismissal, but his eyes showed that he desperately wanted to speak his mind.
“Hayden,” Shane sighed, clearly over this whole line of questioning.
“I just think it’s weird.”
“What is weird? You know as well as anyone that hockey players don’t exactly lead a life that’s easy for relationships. You and Jackie are always having rough patches because you aren’t home. So what’s weird about me having someone casual?” Shane evaded actually giving a full and honest response.
“You’ve been sleeping with the same person for years and somehow still think that counts as casual,” Hayden gave another pointed look.
Shane felt heat climb up the back of his neck, “It does.”
Hayden shrugged in a way that told Shane he absolutely did not believe him. “Okay.”
“It does,” Shane’s tone was his usual stubborn, no-argument captain’s voice.
“I said okay,” Hayden tried to argue petulantly.
Shane retorted without missing a beat, “You said it weird.”
JJ snorted beside him and when Hayden gave him a glare he shrugged as if to agree with Shane.
Shane turned back to Hayden without a word said to JJ, “Even if I told her, it wouldn’t matter. This isn’t what we do.”
Hayden’s expression softened, “What do you mean?”
Shane hesitated before answering. Saying it aloud made the whole thing sound more pathetic than it had in his head. “We have sex. We have fun. Then we go back to our own lives.” Shane shrugged. “Lily isn’t going to suddenly stick around because I got sick.”
Something about Hayden’s face changed at that, “You don’t know that.”
“I do,” Shane stated with a level of defensiveness he always got whenever he tried to convince himself they weren't more than casual in his own mind.
“Did she tell you that?” Hayden raised his eyebrow and crossed his arms. His gaze bore into Shane so deeply it caused a physical reaction.
Shane’s stomach twisted, “No.”
“Then you don’t know,” Hayden’s face morphed into the look he always got when he was talking to his kids about something they were being stubborn about.
“Can you please just drop it, Hayd,” Shane sighed suddenly.
He collapsed back against the couch, the pain in his leg throbbing. The last thing he needed to be worrying about was crossing the line between him and Ilya. Sure, he was deeply in love with the man, not that he would ever (EVER) admit that out loud. However, there was no way Ilya felt the same. They weren’t someone the other could lean on. That wasn’t what they did.
In mid-July, after the trade deadline, Shane’s team, in collaboration with the Voyageurs organization, released a statement indicating he wasn’t going to be on the ice this coming season. Per Shane’s request and his mother’s insistence, no word was revealed about his cancer diagnosis. The statements released all remained extremely vague. Leaving no room for interpretation or questions.
Montreal Voyageurs @mtlvoyageurs
Our fearless captain, Shane Hollander will be on LTIR this season for medical reasons. He’s put his body on the line for us two seasons in a row with back-to-back championships. To say he’s earned some rest is an understatement. Our thoughts remain with him as he works to get back to the ice.
Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
Per my doctor’s request, I will be taking this season off for my health. These past two seasons have been very demanding on my body and if I have any hopes of keeping a long career ahead of me I need to take some time off to rest. Hope to see you guys back on the ice for the 2017-2018 season. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Shane was curled up on his couch, trying to avoid looking at his phone, which was going off constantly, while his mother watched the latest sports news on his TV. She reached over and finally grabbed his phone from the coffee table between them and patted his foot in comfort. She seemed to be scrolling through his notifications when she looked up with a curious look on her face.
“Shane, sweetie. Who is Lily?”
Shane rolled his head into the back of the couch, refusing to look at his mother. He gave a groan in response instead. Why was she asking about Lily? Why was everyone asking about fucking Lily? Didn’t Shane deserve the right to some privacy in his love life without everyone giving opinions?
“She has called at least 14 times since the news of your LTIR status hit the internet. Is she someone special?” Shane could tell his mom was fishing for information, and her tone held a tad bit too much eagerness for his liking.
“No, she’s –” Shane stopped, how could he explain this to his mom without getting too personal and embarrassing himself?
“She and I were having a casual thing. We’d meet up whenever we were in the same city. It’s never been serious. I don’t know anything below the surface about her and she barely knows anything about me. She’s not someone I would announce my cancer to,” Shane tried to keep his voice from sounding disappointed at his words.
He was certain that the sympathetic look his mother gave him was evidence enough that he hadn’t succeeded. But instead of addressing it or trying to brush off the subject further, he curled in on himself and turned his body completely away. He knew his mother would get the idea that he didn’t want to talk about any of this. Sure enough, she dropped it and turned instead to discuss the new prospects from this year’s draft class.
What he didn’t notice was his mother taking the number from his phone and adding it to her own. Nor did he notice how she immediately sent off a text to that contact. If he had, maybe Shane could’ve stopped the sequence of events that was about to go down in his life.
—
The following day, Shane was once again on his couch, only this time the lights in his whole apartment were off, the TV was on the lowest possible setting without being muted completely, and his phone was tucked away in the pocket of his coat across the room. His stomach was cramping and rolling in response to the chemotherapy treatment he’d endured that morning. It had been his first one.
Shane was an elite athlete. So much of what he did on a daily basis was proof positive that he had a strong constitution and rarely felt ill physical effects. And then he endured a round of chemicals to shrink his tumor and his body’s immune system crumbled to the ground. He had a trashcan situated next to him in case his cramping turned into full-on vomiting, which his doctor had warned him might happen. Shane was determined not to let it come to pass.
Then, everything happened all at once. His mother came waltzing into his front room from the kitchen with a mug of ginger tea, the doorbell rang, and the smell hit Shane’s system causing his stomach to finally revolt. Just as his mom opened the door, he sat up to safely vomit into the trashcan.
“Uh, Shane, sweetie,” his mother turned from the open door, not enough to reveal who was there, “Why would Ilya Rozanov be standing on your doorstep?”
Shane groaned as another round of bile came up. Once he’d finished, he straightened up a bit and looked at his mom, “I don’t know. Send him away. I’m not exactly in the mood for visitors.”
He watched as his mother turned to address Ilya, “Can you give me one moment, I will be right back.”
His mother closed the door, leaving Ilya outside in the hallway. Then she quickly crossed the room and gently rubbed Shane’s hair back from where it had fallen into his face when he’d sat up to vomit. She looked him up and down, giving his cheek a caress before finally speaking.
“Sweetie, I won’t turn him away. I know you aren’t really feeling too hot right now, but Rozanov lives in Boston. He came a long way,” her eyes bore into Shane’s forcing him to maintain eye contact despite his desire to do the opposite.
“Fine. But I’m feeling tired, so maybe only for a few minutes.” Shane desperately wanted to see Ilya, but he couldn’t say that out loud. Not when his mother didn’t even know he was gay.
“Okay,” his mother whispered, wiping his hair back once more. Then she stood up and returned to the door, this time letting Ilya Rozanov enter the apartment.