Chapter Text
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦
Mike Wheeler always had trouble expressing his emotions. At least when they weren't about Will Byers.
Mike had been in a bad mood all day, and the end of the school day was no exception. His friends and girlfriend were following behind him. They were supposed to walk beside him, but Mike was walking with such annoyance that he walked quickly without really noticing.
"Mike, stop making that face," Lucas said, sounding genuinely worried. He was used to Mike's bad attitude; he'd known him for quite some time, but this time it felt different.
"You want me to stop making this face?!" Wheeler turned around, walking backwards. He looked at him seriously, almost angrily. "Tell me where the hell Will is, and I'll do it!"
"Mike, don't be such an idiot!" Max quickened her pace, ready to fight Mike if necessary. "What part of 'we don't know' do you not understand?! We're just as confused as you are!"
Dustin and Jane stayed a few steps behind, glancing at each other every now and then. They knew, just by looking at each other, that if necessary, they should stop Max from getting into a fistfight with Mike.
Lucas let out a heavy sigh. The walk to the school exit was dragging on endlessly amidst all the shouting and fighting.
"But Will isn't the only one missing," Dustin decided to join the conversation. "Steve Harrington and some other kids aren't here either."
"So what?!" Mike kept that bored look in his eyes; he looked like he was about to tremble with rage. "Where the hell is Will?!"
Dustin decided to shut up for a moment; he believed he was talking to a child instead of a sixteen-year-old.
Finally, they reached the school's front doors. Mike practically slammed it open; he had too much on his mind to notice the mess and the murmurs he was causing.
"I'm going with him," Jane said, adjusting her bag on her shoulder, her face a little serious.
Dustin and Lucas nodded. Max clearly didn't agree.
"I don't know how you put up with him. I would have dumped his ass by now," she said, giving her a disapproving look, even crossing her arms.
"He's my boyfriend," Jane replied with a small, slightly sad smile. "Even if he's been acting strange lately..."
Jane walked in the same direction as her boyfriend, her steps quick, as if searching for him with her eyes.
Lucas, Dustin, and Max stayed near the door. Dustin had a melancholy look in his eyes. Why? Because apparently, some things just weren't meant to happen. He was starting to believe his romantic life was doomed to rejection.
"I'd prefer you to be her boyfriend, Dustin," Max said without even looking at him. He knew him, knew when and how he reacted.
“Really?” Henderson looked at the redhead, almost with a twinkle in his eye, even though all he could see were her braids.
“Poor Mike,” Lucas chuckled.
“Poor Mike, my ass,” Max stuck to her guns. “He’s not good to Jane.”
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦
Mike ended up near his bicycle, he was about to take it and ride home when a feminine voice interrupted his track.
“Mike!,” Jane left her bag on the floor to almost run to him. “Why did you run away?”
Wheeler sighed, he ran his hand through his hair, trying to calm himself down for Jane. It was complicated.
“I just… didn’t feel like staying, alright?,” his voice was kind of sharp, not that it was his intention. He regretted it when he noticed. “Sorry…”
“It’s okay,” Jane said with a little smile forming on her lips. She came close, putting her hand on Mike’s arm. “Everything’s going to be fine. Will is going to be back soon, just be patient”
Mike looked at Jane’s hand on him. Her purple painted nails and the softness she was having with him. He looked away, to the grass. Jane felt her smile fading, she softly rubbed Mike’s arm, believing he was feeling sad.
“He’s coming back…”
“You don’t know that”
Silence was installed between them. Jane looked down for a bit, as if thinking. She moved her other hand to cup Mike’s face. He was surprised because of that action.
Jane smiled again. It was a trait of hers. Her cute smile, her soft eyes.
Mike understanded what she was asking for: A kiss.
He lowered his face a bit, enough for Jane to reach. And she got closer to him.
He couldn’t even close his eyes.
Again.
His hands moved to her arms, cradling them with delicacy. He could feel her soft lips against his. She was the one doing all the work, with her hand against his face and the movement of her mouth. Mike felt like he was lost in a labyrinth, like he wasn’t able to find the way out. He was the one that let her kiss him. He should be feeling those fucking butterflies, right?
He tightened his grip on her arms, just a bit. As if trying to feel something, anything.
He felt nothing but a weird uncomfortable sensation he would never say out loud.
Jane separated from him, still holding his face, a slight sound when their mouths were removed from each other.
“Take care, Mike,” She said in a low, delicate tone, as if talking to something precious to her.
She stepped away in slow motion, picking up her bag from the ground and waving goodbye.
Mike stayed freezed on his place, simply by straightening his back. His eyes and mouth slightly opened.
It wasn’t the first time he ended up like that after a kiss.
It wasn’t the second time he ended up like that after a kiss.
It wasn’t the third time he ended up like that after a kiss.
He didn’t even know how many times it had happened to him.
Mike walked towards his bike, trying to get his thoughts in control.
He felt sick.
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦
Mike left his bike on the porch, letting it fall to the ground. His head was like a hurricane of weird thoughts and some shame. He put his hands on his face, trying to put his mind at ease. Wheeler sighed and he put his hand on the doorknob to open it.
The little creaking of the door gave him time to get back in sense.
“I’m home…!,” His voice got lower, confused, when he saw his dad and a strange man in the living room. “What the fuck is going on?”
“Michael, come and sit here,” His father, Ted, pointed to the sofa in the middle of the room.
Mike frowned. He felt weirded out by all the sudden mystery in his house. He didn’t see Holly near, maybe she was already in her bedroom. He sat down on the couch, almost reluctantly, his backpack left on the floor near his feet.
“Hi, Michael. I’m Logan,” said the man standing up in front of him. “Your father wanted to… umm… have a little conversation with you and I’m here to facilitate that process”
“Is this some kind of… family therapy or…?,” Mike kept feeling strange, as if he needed to escape from his house at that moment.
“No, no,” Logan laughed a bit. “Now, Ted. Would you like to start the conversation?”
Mister Wheeler cleared his throat, preparing for what he was about to say.
“Michael, I believe you’re a fag”
. . .
“WHAT?! ARE YOU NUTS?!,” Mike stood up from the sofa at that moment. “DO YOU EVEN HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?!”
“Michael, calm down. Denial is a completely normal part of the healing process,” Logan tried to keep things calmed. He horribly failed.
“NO! IT’S NOT NORMAL ‘CAUSE I’M NOT GAY!,” Mike tried to get out of the living room. He was looking for routes, and any of them was available.
“I myself,” Logan continued, “was once a gay”
Mike looked at him somewhat frightened. He could feel his father's eyes on him, judging, as always.
“Now I’m an ex-gay, Michael,” He said calmly. “I work for a place called True Directions, who help people like yourself learn to understand the reason behind homosexual tendencies and how to heal them”
“W-What tendencies?!,” his voice lowered down a bit, as if trying to understand everything. “Why would you think I’m a-?”
“You have this picture on the corkboard in your room,” Ted showed a picture of Will, the one Jonathan took him on Halloween three years ago.
“Will’s my best friend! You know it!,” Mike was starting to feel suffocated, he felt humiliated, Why would his dad think that he’s…?
“Having pictures of guys in your room, above your bed, it’s a sign of homosexual desire,” said Logan, trying to explain.
“You also have this,” Ted showed a notebook. The cover was black and had blue and yellow stickers on it. “And these,” he showed two cassettes, the Smalltown Boy one and the William, It Was Really Nothing one.
Mike felt his fingers freeze.
“YOU WENT THROUGH MY STUFF!?,” and the anger was there once again.
Logan cleared his throat, to get Mike’s attention.
“Writing poetry is a girl's activity. You're denying your masculinity through it. Bronski Beat is also associated with homosexuality, and the same goes for that song by The Smiths. And from what your father told me, you're unnecessarily close to a boy named William. That song could be your way of expressing your desire for him” For Mike, Logan sounded stupid. “Also, your long hair-”
“NOW MY HAIR!?,” Mike put his hands on his head, he didn’t even know what he was doing at that point.
“...Is a feminine trait”
“I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!,” he was offended, really offended. He put his hands on his sides. “ALL OF THIS IS A PIECE OF SHIT!”
“There's the thing, Michael,” Ted started talking again. “You don’t even like your girlfriend”
“BULLSHIT! THAT’S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!,” Mike could feel a little of Nancy’s influence because of that word that slipped from his mouth. Oh, how he needed her at that moment.
“You don’t bring her home, you’re sometimes rude to her, you don’t even seem to enjoy kissing her,” Ted stood firm on his belief, he looked dead serious.
“I DO LIKE HER! I CARE ABOUT JANE! I-!”
“There! There is some other piece of evidence!,” Logan pointed to Mike, his belt specifically.
Mike look down to his waist, his shirt was a little up so his belt could been seen.
. . .
Oh no.
“IT’S A FUCKING BELT!,” Mike felt that every word they said was even more stupid than the ones said before.
“It has rhinestones on it, Michael”
“SO WHAT!?”
Mike was so fixated on fighting with Logan he didn’t even notice when his father disappeared from the living room to pick up the phone to call someone.
After several rings, someone answered.
“Hopper's cabin, this is Jim. Who am I talking to?”
“James, it’s me, Ted”
Mike could feel how his soul left his body. He couldn’t even move.
“What do you need, Ted?”
“I need to talk to your daughter”
“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!,” Mike sounded terrified, he was paler than he was.
“What do you need to tell her?,” Jim sounded weirded out. He was in all his right. Why does Ted Wheeler need to talk to Jane?
“Michael’s a fag”
“Mike’s a what?,” Hopper couldn’t even process the term Ted used to refer to his son.
“He’s a homosexual. Your daughter needs to know the truth”
A slight ‘I need to know what?’ was heard by Ted through the phone. Jim and Jane, supposedly, had a little discussion far from the mic of the phone. Jane took the device in her hands some seconds later.
“Mister Wheeler, what’s wrong?,” Her voice was curious, even a bit precipitated. She thought maybe Mike was feeling unwell.
“Your boyfriend’s a homosexual”
. . .
That was it.
That was the end of his relationship with Jane.
Mike felt the cold sweat running down his forehead.
“Sorry?,” Jane sounded confused, she didn’t even understand what that meant.
“I'm sorry, but he can't continue with you. He needs to be cured before,” Ted said with a monotone tone.
“Cured from what-?”
But she didn’t get an answer, Ted finished the call before she could even finish the question.
Mike had his hands trembling. A nervous chuckle escaped from his throat. He stood straight in his place. Shocked. Humiliated.
“Now there’s NO FUCKING WAY I’M GOING THERE!,” Mike was furious, it was as obvious as ‘the sky is blue’.
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦
Mike sat in the passenger seat with his arms crossed, his backpack beside him. His blood was boiling. He could even feel his eye twitching. Seeing his father driving so nonchalantly made him feel even more uneasy.
Laughter drifted through the air nearby. He looked through the window to see where it was coming from.
He saw a group of cheerleaders on a bus, dressed up in their uniforms, swinging their pom-poms in the air or eating donuts. If he wasn’t mistaken, they were going to the interschool competition to ‘cheer’ the Hawkins High School team.
«Chrissy Cunningham should be there… if she wasn't missing too», he thought. His eyes returned to the road, as if nothing important happened.
He felt his anger towards his father rising once again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It wasn't a long trip. Well, it was. But Mike hadn't really noticed because he had been too busy being angry. And he still was. He took his backpack and slung it over his shoulder, then he took his suitcase with his clothes and all of that shit.
He left everything but his backpack on the grass. He saw the place, it was a really big pink, white and blue house. Gross.
Mike looked at his father, sitting peacefully in the driver's seat. He felt sick again.
“FUCK YOU!,” Mike poured every bit of turmoil he felt into those two words, throwing them at his father and even at that fucking camp.
Ted didn’t even flinch, didn’t move. Not a thing. He just left, driving the car, not even looking back. Mike didn’t know what he was supposed to feel about that. His relationship with his father was never good, that was the last straw.
Before Mike could even start to feel lonely, a woman talked behind him.
“You must be Michael, right?”
She was wearing a pink smart outfit, a really pink one. Next to her stood a girl, she looked older than him. She was wearing a pink dress, a belt and orange hair clips on her straight hair. The girl looked uncomfortable.
Mike felt his eyes burning with all of that pink. It was horrific.
“Yeah…”
“I’m Katherine Williams, the founder of True Directions,” Katherine smiled, arranging her hair with an almost artificial delicacy. “This is my daughter, Mary Ann”
“Sup,” said Mary Ann, with a not really feminine tone.
Mike just waved at her with his hand. Katherine cleared her throat and smiled.
“How old are you? About seventeen?,” said Katherine to him.
“I’m sixteen,” Mike answered curtly.
The woman smiled and joined her hands.
“At least you’re not in college. It's harder to save people like you once they've experienced the liberal arts brainwashing. But I’ve saved a few”
Mike felt the urge of running up the first hill he saw to escape from that place.
“Well, here, come along. I have a welcome video to start you out”
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦
At TV presented the logo of True Directions. A blue and pink arrow curving above a man and a woman’s head. It looked stupid. Mike sat down on a gray couch, with the TV glow shining and covering him with a blue light.
His elbows were on his knees, looking kind of bored.
“No one would’ve guessed what would happen to this sweet little boy,” the TV showed a boy, a really young one. «He looks a bit like me», Mike thought, frowning.
“By a young age, Ryan had a promising future: Daddy’s work helper, and Prom King. Ryan had hopes of being an economist one day,” A lot of pictures of this kid while growing up were shown. “That is… until he was recruited to the homosexual lifestyle”
“Bullshit,” said Mike in a low tone, similar to a murmur, while straightening his back.
An alleged interview with Ryan was shown next. He looked quite feminine, with his curled hair and eyeliner. Mike just raised his eyebrows. A pink light covered his face, he frowned.
“He made me… do things with other men. He drove me in the back of his Harley like I was some kind of showpiece,” The angle of the recording changed, showing Ryan’s side. “Even when he got high and pushed me off the back of his bike… I rode in the gutter… Broken ribs… And I just kept going out for more…”
Ryan seemed like he wanted to cry. He hid his face behind his hands, painted nails.
“Turn off the camera…” He said and it all faded to black.
Mike didn’t really get what was happening. Two dark figures appeared in front of a colorful background, a man and a woman. Both standing up straight.
“We never knew this could happen to our little boy,” said the female silhouette with a saddened tone.
“But Ryan sought help,” and a group of other teens was shown, Ryan with them. “After just two months in True Directions easy-five step program, Ryan rediscovered his masculinity and embraced his true self,” the was a recording of Ryan playing football and chopping wood. He looked… different, normal.
“On March 16th, 1986, Ryan was married,” a wedding picture. Ryan was with a brunette girl, looking happy and kissing. Once more, a blue light was shining onto Mike’s face.
Mike let a nervous chuckle escape from him, he didn’t know if it was because of relief or panic. He just knew it was odd.
‘True Directions. Straight is great’, was the last thing he read before the TV turned off.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Katherine was sitting on her chair, in her office. On the desk, there was a plaque with her name. ‘Katherine J. Williams’. Mike was sitting in front of her, his stuff was near, his backpack was still with him.
“The other arrived yesterday. So why don’t I catch up?,” said Katherine in a soft tone.
«Yesterday?», Mike thought. He got out of his mind when Katherine kept on talking.
“It’s a two month program based on five simple steps,” she said as if she was explaining something to a toddler. “Why don’t we… concentrate on the first step? You admitting your problem”
Mike shifted his gaze to the walls, then to his things. He didn't want to stay in that office. It felt like that time he was sent to the principal's office for helping Dustin build a device that launched fireworks. That had been better than this.
Katherine sat correctly on her chair, crossing her legs while smiling. Her smile faded just a second before she started talking.
“When you see a man, attractive, in athletic wear, about to go for a run…”
Mike immediately thought about Will in gym clothes, at school. Smiling. With his moles near his lips and neck. Will was attractive, it was a good example to think about. He started to feel a little out of it.
“...or maybe he's at the gym lockers, drying his sweat with a towel…”
First it was Will after gym class, laughing about some stupidity Dustin said. The way he took his yellow towel to dry all the water from his hair because Lucas threw some water from his bottle at him as a joke.
His thoughts shifted. He remembered Eddie Munson, the president of Hellfire Club. He was a nice guy, with… his long, curly hair, and his obsession with Dungeons & Dragons.
“...or maybe in the bathroom, taking off his shirt. Getting ready to take a shower…”
He imagined Eddie, taking off his shirt. He had some tattoos on his arms, maybe he had some on his chest?
His head felt kind of hazy.
They were attractive. That was what she wanted him to think, wasn't it?
“Don't you have any unnatural thoughts?”
. . .
Mike kept silent for a bit. He blinked and shook his head, enough to snap out of it.
“No,” he said, a little late.
“Aha! You see?,” said Katherine with a triumphant smile, “it took you too much time to answer”
Mike frowned, confused. He needed to take his time to imagine it and think about it, right?
“Until you admit your sickness, you’ll wear these,” Katherine gave him something similar to a hospital gown. It was turquoise, looked medical. “You’ll earn the right to wear civvies once you have admitted the first step”
Mike took the gown in his hands, he looked disgusted by it.
“It’s a long path to righteousness, Michael. It’s a battlefield of temptations out there, and you’re going to have to fight,” she said with a weird maternal tone. “Until then, I’d like you to meet one of our other soldiers. Daniel!”
A guy appeared from the outside of the office. Mike turned around instantly. The guy was blonde, and looked pretty familiar…
“HOLY FUCK! YOU’RE DANNY KEANE!?,” Mike got up from the chair almost instantly, he was awfully confused.
“No, yeah,” Danny started laughing a bit, trying to hide his surprise at seeing Mike Wheeler there. “You know your classmates, Wheeler” For a moment, Danny tried to say something to calm him down, nothing came out. “Just lemme show you around”
“Yes, please, Daniel,” Katherine said. She looked back at Mike. “Put that on and Daniel’s going to show you around and you’ll get acquainted”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Cripes sake, didn't think I'd see you here, huh?,” Danny sounded amused, even a bit confused or surprised.
“Me neither,” Mike looked at him briefly as they walked away from Katherine’s office. “This piece of shit is uncomfortable”
“You mean the gown?,” Daniel asked, his smile faltering for half a second. “It’s lame. I looked like a barf bag”
Both guys ended up outside the house, Danny turned around and started walking backwards. He was about to start talking about the place.
“Rise and shine at seven, breakfast at eight, group therapy ‘till dinner-”
“UNTIL NIGHT?!,” Mike felt he was about to lose it at that instant.
Danny frowned.
“No, ‘till afternoon”
“That’s called ‘lunch’! You scared me!,” Mike looked at Danny with a certain disgust. “It wasn’t a nice joke!”
“Dinner. It’s dinner,” Danny looked confused, then he remembered he wasn’t at his state anymore, he laughed because of it. “I‘m a cheesehead, sorry. Group therapy ‘till lunch, and then we have free time to do… whatever we want and then we go inside for reorientation exercises. Also, family therapy on weekends”
Danny turned around once more, this time it was to open a blue door in front of them. He knew the place really well.
“You didn’t miss much actually,” He entered the room, letting Mike get in as well.
The dorms were blue. Blue as hell. The beds, the pillows, the curtains. Everything. Mike liked blue, really. It was his favourite color. But that was too much, even for him.
“This is where we sleep. Ope! And no inappropriate behavior allowed. I know why I’m telling you this”
“You mean like… swearing?,” Mike raised an eyebrow.
Danny just rolled his eyes.
“No, yeah no. I mean kissing or hooking up”
“Ew…” Mike just looked away, grossed out.
Mike kept looking around, he found himself looking at a boy sitting on a bed and drawing.
Wait. Drawing?
A big smile was drawn on his lips.
“WILL!”
The mentioned one raised his head. That voice… He knew it. Once he saw Mike, a smile appeared on his face. He almost wasn’t able to leave his art supplies on a side when Mike threw himself almost on top of him to hug him.
Both started laughing, holding onto their arms, as if they hadn't seen each other for years.
“Will, why are you here?!,” even if the question was serious, the happiness in his eyes was more noticeable.
“Why are you here, Mike?!,” Will could feel Mike’s arms around him, tight and warm, as it always felt.
Danny cleared his throat, trying to have both boys' attention.
“No inappropriate behavior, Wheeler, Byers”
“What am I even doing?!,” Mike was really lost.
Danny raised an eyebrow and pointed with his eyes the way he was holding Will. Mike looked at his own hands. Both were around Will’s waist, Will had one of his hands on Mike’s arm and the other one near his chest.
Both boys got separated almost immediately, laughing nervously. It was normal for them. But for the place they were? It wasn't.
“Come here once, Wheeler. I need to show you something,” Danny kept his cool. He wasn’t Katherine.
Mike got off the bed, waving goodbye to Will as he stepped outside the dorm, smiling warmly. Danny had to snap his fingers in front of his face to snap him out of his daydream.
When Mike finally looked at him, he pointed to a signboard that had everybody’s name and how far in the program they are.
“Step one was… eh… easy, at least that’s what the wastoid of Katherine said,” he laughed a bit before actually remembering Mike the first step. “Step one, admitting your homosexuality. We all passed it yesterday”
They both kept on looking at each other. It was a bit weird. Mike looked away for a second.
“I’m a homosexual,” said Danny, with a small smile on his face. “See? Good luck with that”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mike had to remove the blue ribbon from a chair. It didn’t matter how trivial that small action was, everyone else started applauding him. He felt like a carnival clown.
“Well, Michael, please sit down,” Katherine looked at him with a smile. Mike started to believe she never stopped smiling.
He stayed standing, feeling uncomfortable with how invasive everything was. He looked towards Will. Will pointed to the chair with his eyes, frowning a bit. Mike mouthed a ‘no’, but Will just started looking mad. Mike had no other option but to sit down.
Danny had to suppress a chuckle.
“Michael, I want you to meet the rest of our group”
The woman looked at everyone else in the room. A blonde girl stood up. She had a ponytail and a green scrunchy, she was wearing a pink uniform.
Wait… was she…?
“Hello, Michael. I’m Chrissy Cunningham…”
Yes, she was… She was also there. Mike couldn’t do anything but feel weird.
“...I’m a cheerleader and… uh… I’m a homosexual,” she sat down, not really sure about what she said, adjusting her skirt to get comfortable.
Another girl stood up. She was a brunette, wearing a pair of golden earrings.
“Hi, Mike,” she said with joy. “I’m Heather. I like dancing, I’m a cheerleader trainee and I’m a… homosexual,” her voice downed a little, as if she was ashamed to say it.
This time a guy stood up. He looked nervous.
“I’m Carlton… umm… I like science and I’m a- I’m a homosexual”
“Hi, Mike. I’m Steve-”
“Harrington?!,” Mike was in such a state of shock. If Steve Harrington was there because he was gay, then he must be the most homosexual man in the world.
The room was calm before that, a short haired girl was laughing behind her hand. Steve was annoyed because of her laughing.
“Yes, Harrington, and since nothing seems to be more important about me than my last name, I’m a homosexual,” he said, annoyed more than anything else.
The laughing girl stood up, holding her breath to stop giggling.
“I’m Robin and I like girls,” She smiled mockingly. “Very much”
Then, her face switched from happy to sad, as if she was about to announce someone’s death.
“And I’m a homosexual,” Robin looked at Katherine for a bit, then she sat down again.
A redhead with short hair next to her stood up.
“My name’s Vickie, I like infirmary and I’m a homosexual”
Vickie didn’t say much. Still, Mike felt everyone seem very happy besides the place they all were. Danny didn’t even move from his seat.
“Well, you already know me so… I’m Danny, I’m from Wisconsin and I’m gay. That's it”
Mike almost chuckled because of him. His accent was funny. Finally Will stood up. Mike instantly looked at him.
“Mike, you’ve known me since we were five years old,” Will said as a way to calm himself down, he didn’t really like what he was about to ‘confess’. “I’m Will, I’m a painter and… I’m a homosexual”
Mike thought about everyone with a little fun, even derision. But Will? He couldn’t do more than stare while he sat down. He felt a little light.
“It’s time for your first disclosure,” Katherine said to Mike. Mike looked at her, weirded out. “Now, don’t feel intimidated. Why don’t you start telling us about the first time you realized that you might be a gay?”
“I’m not,” Mike said, firmly, trying to keep his cool for Will. “I'm not gay, they just think I am because of a fucking sparkly belt. I don't know what I'm doing here”
. . .
Silence. Nothing but silence.
“That’s a perfectly normal place to start,” Katherine had a soft maternal tone. “Why don’t we discuss the issues in your intervention?”
Mike settled back into the chair, chuckling a little as he remembered how stupid his intervention had been.
“Well… uh… I write poetry”
Robin looked at Steve, Steve looked at Robin. Robin was holding back her laugh, again, and Steve tried to make her shut up even if she hadn't said anything. Heather had a curious spark in her eyes.
“I have a rhinestone belt-”
This time, Steve directly covered Robin’s mouth with his hand. Danny lets out a low, dry, almost imperceptible laugh.
Mike frowned at her reaction. He even felt the urge to flip her off. He didn't do it because of Katherine being there.
“My favourite songs are Smalltown Boy and William, It Was Really Nothing and… I have a picture of…” He looked at Will for a moment. He couldn’t just say that… “...of a guy on a corkboard above my bed-”
“And you think that’s normal?,” Carlton asked with a little doubt.
“Sure! It’s a friend of mine-”
“But do you have picture of any other of your friends on there?,” Robin was able to remove Steve’s hand from her mouth. She had a smirk on her face.
“No, but-”
“Have you ever had a girlfriend, Wheeler?,” Danny asked him mockingly.
“Yes, I… I had one”
“What happened with Jane?,” Will sounded truly worried. He always was the one who motivated Mike to fix their relationship. What happened?
“My dad told her I’m ‘gay’ and made her break up with me. He’s crazy…”
“Yeah, but you slept with her?,” Danny decided to intervene again. It was a talent of his.
“No!,” Mike looked at him, surprised (even a little disgusted). “My family is christian! I’m not like that-”
“Sure, it’s easy to be a prude when you're not attracted to her, isn't it?,” Robin was the master at saying the most unhinged things when she opened her mouth.
“No! She’s-She’s pretty, really pretty,” Mike tried to defend himself, it was getting complicated.
“But does she make you hot?,” Carlton asked, awkwardly. “Do you think about her at night and…?”
“I’M NOT PERVERTED!,” Mike looked at him with anger. “ I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE! I'M A GOOD STUDENT, I'M NOT A SATANIST, AND I HAD A GIRLFRIEND!”
Everyone stared at him. Chrissy and Heather seemed to be close enough to murmur things to each other. Mike kept going.
“We've all looked at guys at some point! Everyone does! It's like saying Superman is hot!”
Steve couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up again.
“But you just assume that everyone is thinking what you’re thinking when they look and they’re not!”
. . .
“Sorry about that…” Steve sat down, Robin was giggling.
Mike didn’t even hear the apology. He just stayed still in his place, sitting down.
A lot of things passed on his mind.
How he felt around Jane, how her kisses made him feel empty, the amount of times he didn’t sleep because he was wondering if Eddie Munson had a girlfriend or a boyfriend or whatever the hell he likes.
And least but not less important: Will.
How he felt around Will, how close they were, how he felt every time he watched him smile. How he felt the urge to hold him and the way he always felt jealous when Jennifer Hayes flirted with him. All the times he ended up looking at his lips when they were talking.
“I… thought everybody had those thoughts…” His voice was low, almost if it was just for himself. “I-I just want to be normal…”
“Then you have to admit that you’re not normal,” Katherine walked towards him, speaking in a soft tone. Too soft for the words she was saying. “So why don’t you admit that you’re a homosexual?”
Mike felt everyone’s eyes on him. He felt overwhelmed. Was he really…?
His mind felt dizzy, his ears were whistling, as if listening to white noise. He looked to the ground.
He was a homosexual.
He was a homosexual.
He was a homosexual.
“I’m a homosexual…”
He didn’t even know what he was saying.
“I’m a homosexual”
The words slipped, his mind trying to convince him.
He finally stood up.
“I’m a homosexual!”
And even with the truth, he felt like throwing up. He didn't know whether to burst out laughing or cry.
“I’m a homosexual!” Mike started laughing, he didn’t want to cry there. Why would he?
“Congratulations, Michael!” Katherine looked proud, in her own sick way. “You have just taken your first step in your True Direction!”
And the room was full of applause again. Once again, he felt like a carnival clown. Worse. A sideshow freak.
Will just ran to hug him, all the others did. Except for Robin, she stayed in her place, her arms crossed.
“Okay, now let’s go”
Katherine made all the others get out. Robin stood up and walked with them outside. Will tried to stay a bit more, but he couldn’t.
Mike was left alone with Katherine. She was smiling. She handed him a blue uniform, and prolly told him to put it on. Mike was so fucking lost in his own mind to really noticed.
They were right.
Troy was right.
James was right.
His father was right.
And when he ended up by himself in that room, he finally felt able to cry.
They were right.
He was a homosexual.
They were right.
He was a homosexual.
“I’m a homosexual…!”
He felt so fucking sick.
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦
Wearing that blue uniform felt strange. He looked like a Boy Scout… And that is why he remembered being kicked out of the Boy Scouts as a child for being ‘impulsive’. It was stupid.
He was stupid.
Mike walked to the table where Will and some of the other guys were sitting. He had a glass of lemonade and a plate with rice, vegetables and some fish.
He had to walk past Robin's table; she was alone, eating what he thought was Asian food. Maybe sushi.
“Congratulations on your first step, poet,” She said with a smirk.
Mike could feel it wasn’t a real congratulations.
He walked towards the table and sat down next to Will. Steve didn’t stay for a long time, he took his plate and glass and walked to Robin’s table. He didn’t like seeing her alone.
But Mike didn’t know that. He felt that it a little bit personal. What if Steve left because of him and his motherfucking attitude?
“Don’t feel bad,” said Chrissy, covering her mouth while chewing some veggies. “Steve doesn’t like letting Robin alone. Her being here is… complicated… Her parents… gave in to social pressure”
“It’s true,” Will looked at Mike, taking a sip of lemonade. “I don’t know everything, but yesterday I heard her crying and swearing in the hallway. I tried talking to her but she wasn’t in the mood,” Will never looked away from Mike while talking.
Mike nodded, it made sense. Robin said a lot of things earlier, but now? Mike could feel she was… sad.
“Was she always like that?” Mike sounded curious, even a bit concerned.
“Yeah no, you’re wrong,” Danny wasn’t even eating, he was just moving the food on his plate with his fork, looking at Mike. “Robin was really talkative, she’s also my friend. She’s… having a harsh time. Yesterday she didn’t eat a schnibble of food”
“Really?” Mike took a bite of the fish, looking at Danny while he talked.
Danny hummed in agreement. Chrissy was looking at his plate, just did it for a bit because she didn’t want to be seen as nosy. She just took another bite of carrot.
“Even so, she is difficult,” Carlton said while eating some rice.
Vickie looked at him, annoyed.
“Don’t say that. She’s not difficult, she’s just overstimulated about all that happened to her”
Vickie just paid attention to her plate again, she didn’t like it when someone talked shit about Robin.
They all stayed silent for a bit.
Heather kept on eating her food, she had a different kind of food. She had meat instead of fish. It smelled pretty good.
Mike frowned. He remembered that face. She seemed familiar in some way…
“Heather”
“Yes?”
“You’re the one who danced with Will at the Snow Ball, right?” He didn’t sound sure, as if something in her looked different from that time. Not just her features though, she grew up like everyone else.
She laughed a bit, covering her mouth with her hand.
“Yeah, it’s nice that you remember me,” Heather removed her hand from her mouth, smiling. “You probably didn’t recognize me because of my missing hair clips”
Mike mouthed an ‘oh’. Yeah, she always wore a pair of rainbow hair clips. The rainbow could be the reason she wasn’t wearing them.
“I never forgot you,” she said. “I could feel your death stare on my neck-”
Mike almost choked on his food. Will had to pat his back for him to stop coughing.
“You felt it?!” The look in his eyes was nothing but pure nervousness.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? It was really obvious” She kept on eating, she seemed to be kind of hungry. “You were dancing with this girl… Jane, right?”
Mike felt the mention of that name as if a ton of bricks fell on top of him.
Jane.
He was dating Jane.
Jane loved him.
But he’s a…
Wheeler nodded, just that. Heather noticed she talked about a sensitive topic.
“I’m sorry, she was your girlfriend…” Heather took a sip of lemonade and hid her face, trying to hide how ashamed she felt.
“Don’t worry,” Mike tried to calm her down. It was weird being like that to people other than Will. “I still… love her… In my own way”
Love.
For the first time it wasn’t so hard to use that word to refer to Jane.
Maybe it was because he loved her in the way he loved his sister, Holly.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Katherine was in the garden, watering the flowers. Plastic flowers. Everyone would think it was dumb. Happily no one ever saw her.
She was splashing the flowers lightly with a spray bottle. The shiny pink plastic took her attention in an almost sick way.
Mary Ann walked out of the house with a glass of lemonade, walking in a weird way because of the heels she was wearing. Those were stilettos, and looked pretty uncomfortable and unstable.
“Hi, mom,” Mary Ann said, almost falling to the floor, dropping some drops of juice in her way. “Flowers look cool”
“I know,” Katherin took a flower out of the dirt, she wanted to clean it with a cloth. She looked at her daughter briefly. “You know? I noticed that we sprung another leak in the ceiling. Please call Logan, I’d like him to get to it tonight”
Mary Ann rolled her eyes. Her mother knew she could fix it, she was so unbelievable sometimes.
“I’ll get to it, mom, Jesus,” said Mary Ann while drinking the juice directly from the glass.
She received a slap on the arm from her mother. She mouthed an ‘Ouch!’ and an insult.
“Sorry!”
“Look, not in my presence,” Katherine looked at her severely. “I have told you over and over again. Stop chugging like a man! Sip like a lady!”
Mary Ann looked disgusted. She turned around and, while almost falling, went back to the house. She’ll look for a straw in the kitchen.
Katherine finished on cleaning the flower. She tried to put it again on the dirt, but it was impossible. It was like the dirt repealed the plastic. She ended up throwing it far.
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦
Mike was on ‘his’ bed. He had his notebook in his hands, looking at the blue and yellow stickers on top. The yellow ones were Will’s. He turned his face to see if Will was sleeping.
He was. Sleeping peacefully.
Mike just stared at him. The way his hair fallen on his face, his almost imperceptible moles in the dark, his lips, his-
And suddenly, a sound.
Like an electric current mixed with something else.
It was in the bed on the other side.
Mike could hear it once again.
Wait. Was someone moaning?
He got up from his bed and walked towards the other one, trying to not make much noise. He was able to see a little red light from beneath the sheets.
He took the sheet off to see who was there.
Carlton was startled for a moment. Upon seeing that it wasn't Katherine, he let out a breath.
“The fuck are you doing?” Mike asked, somewhat grossed out.
“AV,” Carlton answered.
“And that is…?” Mike looked confused, really confused.
Carlton sat on his bed, accommodating himself in the mattress.
“Aversion therapy,” he said. “When you have inappropriate fantasies about guys, you shock yourself with the shock,” and he showed a black device with a red light. “So every time you think of them, you feel that pain”
Mike frowned. This time he felt scared, even if he wouldn’t say it out loud.
“Are you nuts?” He asked, trying to maintain his composure.
“No pain, no gain,” Carlton looked at him in an almost defeated way. “If you wanna like breasts then you're going to start training yourself”
Mike was about to refute, but then…
“Wait,” he took a sock that was near Carlton’s arm. “This is Will’s”
Carlton tried to take the sock off Mike's hand, but Mike just pulled his arm away. Carlton just covered himself with the sheets once again.
Mike walked away from there, with Will’s sock on his hand. He moved in silence to Will’s bed and ended up letting it on the drawer near it.
He wasn’t gonna be able to sleep that night.
✦•┈๑⋅⋯🚻⋯⋅๑┈•✦