Work Text:
Dan: Something is different.
Phil: Dan and Phil are on the same chair. Our legs are slapping together.
Dan: And why are they on the same chair, you might ask? Well, Hard Launch has its first guest.
Phil: We’ve seen your guesses, but none of you got it right. Or maybe someone did and we just didn’t see it. We have brought our child onto the phodcast.
Liam: Nobody else replied to their messages and I was the only option.
Dan: Yes, this is our actual child in the flesh.
Liam: No cap or whatever the fuck skibidi toilet kids say.
[Intro]
Phil: Do you want to tell the viewers about yourself or something?
Liam: Sure. Um, where do I start? Ooo, I could tell the story of how we met because it’s kinda funny.
Dan: Sure.
Liam: Okay so I was raised in a very christian household with a shitty family, and I was lowkey kicked out for many reasons, but the main one is that I’m trans. I was homeless for like a week, I actually have some videos I took.
[A video is on the screen of Liam a year or two younger, with an old coat and beanie pressing his hair down as he walks through the snow. His cheeks are flushed from the cold.]
Video Liam: Day one of being homeless I guess. Um, I’m in a field. Kind of. It’s kind of just snow. I’m fucking freezing but I’m gonna try to find a place to sleep for tonight. Or I might just keep walking. I don’t know. I’ll probably be dead in a few months, but I have enough food to last me there. I wish I had, like, at least one friend to stay with.
[Video ends]
Liam: I joke because I cope with humor. It was a bad situation though. I made it a week surviving off of pretzels and some snow. The snow was good. The pretzels were stale. I was just sitting in an alley crying, as you do. I had officially gotten so far away from my house that I would never be able to find my way back to where I grew up.
Dan: Phil was sick, and I was just getting him some soup from the store when I heard someone crying, so I looked into the alley and he was just sitting there. So I was like “hey, are you okay? You are a child by yourself in the snow.”
Liam: And when a random stranger offers you a place to stay and food when you’ve been homeless for a week, which feels like literal years, you agree because what do you have to lose? And thank god you weren’t serial killers.
Phil: And Dan just came home with a child and was like “he was freezing so he’s gonna stay with us” and I looked up at this poor little fifth or sixth grader and my brain just kind of went “that’s our kid.”
Liam: Awww!
Dan:
Liam went to bed, and I walked out of the room, went to Phil, and said “I want to foster him”
Liam: And because this was all so new for me, you guys were so great helping me transition into it. I wasn’t allowed any social media, and I was homeschooled my whole life, so I had no idea who you were. So when you were like “By the way we’re famous” or whatever I thought they were joking. Because I just know you as my weird parents.
But then I looked up your channel and realized you weren’t pranking me. And now I can give you reminders of the past wherever I want.
[Liam brings up two fingers to his head]
Dan: Don’t you fucking dare.
[Liam brings the fingers off of his head]
Liam: Hello internet, my name is Dan.
Dan: Fuck you.
Liam: Fuck you, bitch.
Phil: Dan stop, everyone’s gonna think we’re a bad influence.
Liam: They’re not. Trust me, I found a way to wattpad at age ten. I did this to myself.
Phil: Well, do you want to talk about the shows we’ve watched together?
[Liam grins]
Liam: Yes! First we watched Your Lie in April–
Dan: Devastating show.
Liam: And then my hero academia, spy x family, and I want to do Yuri on ice next because I play hockey and love ice skating sports in general.
Phil: He can’t watch heated rivalry yet but he is allowed to watch our censored reactions where we cut out the fucking.
Liam: I’m gonna be so real, I cried watching episode six and then you interrupted with your annoying ass voice.
Dan: Which one of us.
Liam: Dad. [He turns to the camera] When I say Dad and Papa, Dad is Dan and Phil is Papa. I like it because it matches the first letters of their names. Anyways, we watched the good place next and I think it’s genuinely the best show to ever exist. Heartbreaking ending, but yet it’s still really happy? It's weird. Go watch it now if you haven't already, and honestly, if you have seen it already, watch it again.
Dan: One of the most incredible shows I’ve ever seen. It was so well done.
Phil: Agreed.
Liam: I think my current biggest obsession is ride the cyclone.
Dan: He does hockey and theater.
Liam: I am a man of many talents. We did ride the cyclone at school and I was noel.
Phil: Tell them about the thing you and Noah did.
Liam: Oh yeah! So my boyfriend, Noah, was Mischa, and we convinced the director to let us hold hands in the background and have them kiss a second time to make them canon. [Pictures pop up on the screen of Liam as Noel, next to Noah as Mischa.] it was beautiful. [he wipes away a fake tear] Platonic or romantic, you gotta admit Nischa is peak. They just get each other, even though they’re so different. I’m such a sucker for that shit. We can put some clips on the screen.
[The first clip shows Noah offering his hand to Liam, who takes it and spins into him. They waltz around in circles while Ocean sings.]
[The second clip shows Liam sitting on a bench, Noah stumbles onto the stage drinking vodka.
Noah: You want some?
Liam:Where did you even get this?
Noah: Is birthday.
(Liam takes a swig of the vodka and keels over in panic)
Liam: I've never had alcohol before I thought it would taste good holy shit.
(He leans into Noah's side, coughing)
(After a few seconds he stops)
Liam: I've also never kissed a man, so… thanks.
Noah: You are so tragic.
Liam: You think so?
Noah: Yes, died before poems had a chance to come out of you! So tragic.
Liam: Thats the nicest thing anyones ever said to me.
(He leans in and kisses Noah for a few moments before pulling away with a shy smile.)
Phil: We also have a video Liam did with his theater friends the other day.
[A video plays. The first clip shows Liam in costume sitting in the audience. The ballad of Jane Doe can be heard in the background.]
Liam: I’m passing the phone to someone who always gets way too into our kissing scene and I think he genuinely forgets we’re on stage not at my house.
Noah: Um, I’m passing the phone to someone who is the sweetest person ever but her character is a bitch.
Lindsay (Ocean): I’m passing the phone to my best friend!
Mindy (Jane Doe): Aw, thanks Lindsay! I’m passing the phone to the nepo baby of the group.
Liam: Fuck you. I’m passing the phone to my fellow disabled person in the cast. #representation.
Connor (Ricky): I’m passing the phone to someone who drinks like three cans of monster in one day.
Bella (Constance): Finally, I’m passing the phone to the dad of the group.
Liam: …
[The video ends]
Dan: We have a segment in the podcast where we hear from the audience.
Liam: Ok! I will totally not judge you at all.
First hard launch person: Hi, my name is May,
May: and I’m hard launching that I eat mayonnaise plain. I know it sounds gross, but don’t knock it till you try it.
Liam: Hi! What the fuck is wrong with you!? Those are some of the most disgusting words I’ve ever heard someone say. I grew up severely underfed and you could not pay me a million dollars to eat mayonnaise plain.
Phil: I agree. I’m scared.
Second hard launch person: Hi dan and phil, my name is Caitlyn, and I’m hard launching that about three years ago I did a theater class thing, and one of the classes landed on Halloween and we were allowed to wear costumes. I wore a costume, I went as a fairy because I’m basic as hell. Anyway, one of the girls in my class was wearing lululemon, carrying starbucks and a sephora bag, and was only, like, ten, so my dumbass said “Are you a sephora kid for halloween?” and she said “No this is just my outfit.”
Liam: OH MY GOD I WOULD’VE DIED.
Dan: This is your reminder to never assume anyone’s halloween costume, they could not be dressed in any costume. They might just be a sephora kid.
[Silence]
Dan: Well, thank you for listening to the hard launch podcast.
Liam: Bye! I wanna go home and binge some random show that’s lowkey bad.