Chapter Text
I.
The Foxes couldn’t say when it had become normal for all of them to be together in a single dorm room, with a video game taking over the TV and beer bottles scattered across the counter, without everything turning into a world war. It was an ordinary Thursday, one where everyone had gotten way too stressed during practice — a special toast to Jack, who had made Neil Josten take off his helmet and almost go after him if Matt hadn’t held him back like a featherweight kitten — and decided they deserved a night with the original Foxes crammed together, talking about pointless things and making inside jokes.
Andrew hadn’t voiced his opinion on it, but he was there: sitting on one of the beanbags, his legs tucked off to the side and a book in his hands. Neil had used every ounce of his strength to hold back a smile when he realized Andrew wasn’t going to refuse spending time with the Foxes, even if he refused to commit too much to their trivial discussions.
“He’s definitely the weirdest one on the team.” Allison was sitting on the counter, her legs crossed. Her nails — kept as long as she could manage while still playing Exy perfectly without breaking one every game — tapped against her phone screen as she scrolled through the comments on a MySpace post.
“I’ll bet ten dollars he was the one who sent the picture.” Nicky said, twisting around on his stool to peek at Allison’s phone. It was a gossip account, created about a year ago, where users could anonymously submit messages about the Exy world.
“I’ll bet fifteen it was one of his teammates who’s dying to get with him. Who would turn down a huge, strong man, even if he is weird?” Dan chimed in, helping Neil make the fruit salad. Everyone usually crucified Kevin Day for being such a pain in the ass about nutrition, but Neil liked fruit, so logically, he had become acceptable to everyone there. Matt, sprawled across the couch in a very serious match against Aaron on the video game, looked toward his girlfriend with wide eyes. “You’re huge, strong, and gorgeous, sweetheart.” She clarified, without needing to look away from the sink to know her man was going to contradict what she’d said before.
“Gross.” Aaron grumbled, earning a sidelong look from Andrew. “I mean, who needs to send a picture to that ridiculous account? If they’re on the same team, it’s even easier.” His voice faltered on the last sentence when he managed to kill Matt’s character for the third time in a row.
Nicky’s laughter echoed through the apartment, and Neil was far too busy cutting his fruit to join the discussion. He couldn’t even understand how it could possibly be acceptable for a social media account to post anonymous comments about other people, especially when they came with pictures.
“Hmm, I don’t know...” Allison murmured, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “You’re right. Danielle Wilds. He must have his qualities.” With a mischievous tone, she made a gesture with her hands. Neil seemed to be the only one who didn’t understand what it meant.
“He seemed like a very kind person in the interviews.” That was Renee, the voice of reason. Neil remembered that when they had played against that team, they had been treated well, so it made sense. Allison rolled her eyes with a breathy laugh, downing the last sip of her beer.
“Kind and horrible on the court. His passes look like they came straight out of a horror movie, and he should be born again so he can learn how to move around a court.” Kevin shrugged, never taking his eyes off the laptop where he was watching an Exy game — or where he was watching a tired, shirtless Jeremy Knox sitting on the bench while drinking water, beside a Jean Moreau dressed in the Trojans uniform with a critical eye fixed on the game.
Andrew was still sitting quietly on his beanbag, Neil noticed in passing, as he finished cutting fruit for a special bowl. The pieces were perfectly symmetrical, and he put the fork with the thicker blue handle beside it because he’d noticed Andrew had a habit of looking for it during meals whenever he had the chance.
“Are you going to put those in the fridge, sweetheart?” Dan asked, resting her hands lightly on Neil’s shoulders as she passed behind him. It had become commonplace: affectionate touches, little habits that showed the Foxes cared about him. Even Aaron, who Neil was constantly at war with, always rolled up the hoodie Neil tended to leave lying around just to throw it at his face, grumbling, ‘Take care of your things, you stupid idiot.’
“Andrew.” That was his answer. Dan nodded as she smiled, taking the opportunity to check whether the oven-baked pizza they had made — the recipe was Renee’s accomplishment, since she had helped them avoid setting the dorm on fire — was ready. Unlike the rest of the fruit, Neil had poured a criminal amount of melted chocolate over these so Andrew wouldn’t have any excuse to avoid the healthy snack.
Partially tuning out the side conversations, Neil approached Andrew with the bowl in his hands. Neil had picked up the habit of making noise around Andrew, since his ability to be silent always ended with Andrew’s shoulders going tense. He cleared his throat softly, a calm smile on his lips, and Andrew looked up from his book.
“Yes or no?” He murmured, quickly shifting his blue eyes from Andrew’s to his lips. Something passed through Andrew’s gaze as he stared at the bowl of chocolate-covered fruit — or fruit-covered chocolate — and stretched out one leg to kick the side of Neil’s hip. Neil pretended he’d been stabbed, reacting dramatically just to annoy him. They could both feel Aaron’s sharp gaze coming from the couch, but neither of them cared much.
“Yes.”
With that, Neil planted his right hand against the wall behind Andrew’s beanbag and leaned over him to steal a lingering peck from his lips before carefully balancing the bowl on the closed book resting on his lap so it wouldn’t tip over. Andrew grumbled something, turning his attention back to the chocolate and ignoring Neil’s presence. Neil laughed softly and stepped away. He was about to sit on the floor just to stay there, orbiting Andrew and his suddenly red ears, when he heard a very specific commotion coming from the kitchen.
“I need to find out who it was! Oh my God, this is incredible!” Nicky practically shouted, snatching the phone from Allison’s hand, her eyes wide and a smug smile on her lips.
“If Neil’s technological skills weren’t worse than my grandmother’s, I’d bet it was him behind this.” Allison said, leaning back so Dan could see the phone screen in Nicky’s hand. “Did they maybe mix up the twins? Although...” She paused, trying to decide whether Aaron really had some extra level of charm compared to Andrew. I mean, next to a grumpy nerd, a tough guy in leather jackets would probably catch the Palmetto boys’ eyes more.
That was the last straw. Neil’s curiosity was practically falling out the windows of the dorm. Aaron looked at Allison just to flip her off, because he already knew what they were talking about — Katelyn had made sure to show him when she was catching him up on the gossip, after the two of them’s study session and making out. Nicky’s view was suddenly blocked by a head of red hair when Neil shoved his face in front of the phone, eyes narrowed with curiosity. Dan laughed because she loved seeing Neil being the nosy little brat he really was, instead of the distant boy he’d been when he joined the team.
“What’s going on?” Matt asked from the couch, taking advantage of the pause to stretch his back while Aaron picked the new fighter he was going to use in the next video game match. Andrew had considered whether it was worth getting up from his beanbag — it wasn’t, but he perked up his ears and rested his face in his hand to watch what was happening, especially since it had caught Neil’s attention.
“Some freshmen talking about how Andrew Minyard is a hot movie bad boy.” Allison was the one who answered, giving Renee a kiss on the cheek afterward to thank her for opening another bottle of beer for her.
Now Andrew had raised one eyebrow. Neil seemed completely focused on reading every single comment on the MySpace post, not quite knowing how to use Allison’s top-of-the-line phone properly. Kevin looked up from his laptop with wide eyes, and his movements gave away that he was opening his own social media account to look.
“My baby cousin! Kevin, were you the one who made that comment about turning into an Exy racket just to be in the Foxes’ goalkeeper’s hands?” Nicky said, making no attempt to hide his excited laughter.
Neil was petrified.
“I’m just not going through with the bet on Neil because his reaction doesn’t look like that of someone who knew about this.” Allison’s voice was mischievous as she analyzed every tiny detail of the attacker’s expression. Renee approached him to touch his shoulder, reading some of the comments as well.
“They’re complimenting you on how excellent you are at protecting our goal, Andrew.” She said, her voice gentle and a fond smile on her lips.
Neil handed the phone back to Nicky and wet his lips, returning to the sink. Andrew followed him with his eyes, not really caring about the post. In fact, he was thinking about where he had gone wrong to attract the attention of freshman athletes, considering he didn’t look at them, walk near them, much less talk to them. Or maybe it was just a bad joke.
“Katelyn told me that...” Aaron began, carried away by the urge to contribute to the gossip, but fell silent when he realized he was about to say how his brother — His twin brother! His family! — was being desired by guys from the track team, making a disgusted face. Who did they think they were? I mean, he wasn’t exactly a fan of Neil Josten, not even close, but he had become familiar: Andrew and Neil worked together, and Aaron preferred that familiarity, after understanding their relationship better, to the affairs Andrew had and the absurd measures he had to take to feel comfortable with them.
“Well, among the flirting, some comments mention him being taken. Neil, do you know someone named...” Dan stopped talking when her attention focused on the insistent, methodical sound against the cutting board. The knife Neil was using to cut the fruit was hammering against it at short, perfectly calculated intervals, expertly slicing the bananas into tiny pieces.
“Neil?”
He didn’t answer. His mind was bubbling in a stalemate: he felt satisfied — very satisfied, fulfilled — when people recognized Andrew’s qualities. When they saw how excellent he was at Exy, a solid wall in the goal, showing off his skills without any pretension and still being the key to their victories. Neil understood now what that warmth was that traveled from his ears down the back of his neck, threading its way along his spine and setting his entire body on fire whenever he watched Andrew play. It never happened with anyone else, had never happened before, but he had also had a few discussions about it with the girls — especially Dan, who insisted that Neil deserved to understand his own feelings better after being deprived of them for so long and was always willing to teach him new terms in healthy discussions that, surprisingly, never made Neil want to disappear from sheer awkwardness.
Neil would also be the last person to say he didn’t understand why people found Andrew attractive. He was, by far, the most beautiful boy Neil had ever seen. Andrew’s hair was short, with a little blond fringe sitting just above his eyebrows, framing his strong face with its defined cheekbones. Like his hair, Andrew’s eyebrows were blond, just a slightly darker shade, and the piercings he had collected over many months looked incredible against his appearance. The first time Neil saw Andrew walk into the locker room with an eyebrow piercing, he had been left speechless. Allison had been quick to notice his cheeks turning red, whispering a quiet, ‘You need a bib?’
The nipple piercing was Neil’s privilege, and he felt like he was floating whenever Andrew was well enough to let him suck on the metal, coming undone in heavy breaths as he pulled at Neil’s red curls. All of that combined with Andrew’s build, his broad shoulders, his strong torso, and the muscles of his abdomen covered by a pleasant layer of fat, resulting in sturdy muscles and a whole lot — so, so much — to grab onto, meant Neil truly had no trouble understanding. I mean, people saw him. They saw how hard he worked at the gym, saw the thick thighs accentuated by the comfortable pants he wore to work out and how, even beneath his comfortable sweatshirts, his chest pushed against the fabric. Andrew’s biceps could completely block Neil’s view. Neil knew Andrew was beautiful, and what he felt for him made that admiration — that desire — even clearer, something he had assimilated without difficulty in his little head.
The thought made him angry. Neil had so many feelings for Andrew, real feelings, feelings he would die for. These shitty people, on this shitty social network with these shitty comments, didn’t have those feelings. Neil felt his chest burn with a sensation unfamiliar to him. They were wanting his goalkeeper as though they had a right to, as though they knew him.
Neil knew him.
He knew how Andrew liked his chocolate, knew his habits, his scent, what each murmur meant. He knew Andrew’s presence, could feel when he was approaching, his body giving off something Neil recognized even from far away. It was magnetic, a natural force.
“Neil?”
Was that Dan?
And, of course, Neil knew there were no rules about this. He would never be the one responsible for limiting Andrew’s actions in any way. So much had been taken from him throughout his life, and Neil liked that Andrew could be free to want things, even after repeating so many times that, in reality, he didn’t want anything.
If Andrew wanted to find out who had sent that picture — a beautiful picture, Andrew sitting in the dining hall in an orange sweatshirt that was actually Neil’s, playing with the cigarette box — he had every right. If he wanted to prove that all those comments were right, he had every right.
Suddenly, Neil’s throat was even more clogged by a disgusting, coarse lump that wouldn’t go away no matter how many times he swallowed.
“Neil.”
That sounded like Matt.
He hadn’t had anything throughout his life, so why did the desire, the yearning, feel so much like possession? Why did he feel like smashing the phone into a thousand pieces and asking permission to kiss Andrew one more time? — A few times. Many. Enough times to roll their eyes when they were tangled together beneath the soft comforter.
“Neil, I think that’s enough bananas.”
It was Renee. She had come close enough to touch one of Neil’s wrists, and when he looked down, he realized he had already cut five bananas in a row and was moving the knife through nothing but air, an automatic motion.
In the background, Matt and Aaron’s video game was making the same irritating noises, but both of them were watching the scene in the kitchen with tense expressions. Allison still wore the same mocking expression, that crooked smile that said, ‘I know what you’re feeling, little lamb.’ Dan was gathering all the banana slices to put them into a new bowl, and Nicky had locked Allison’s phone and hidden it from sight, apparently sensing the tension in the air.
Kevin, on the other hand, was glancing toward Andrew, who had quietly approached the table and was staring at Neil’s silhouette while playing with the rings on his fingers. The bowl of chocolate Neil had prepared was now empty, and the goalkeeper’s gaze shifted between the sharp knife in Neil’s calloused, unmistakable hands and the way his red fringe framed his profile.
Neil left the knife in the sink so he would remember to wash it when they gathered all the dishes from the night and leaned his hip against the counter, unsure what to do with all of his teammates — his friends, he forced himself to correct — as they watched him expectantly.
“What’s your problem? Planning to stab one of us or something?” Aaron grumbled, breaking the silence, and it was enough for Neil to let out a frustrated breath.
“I’ve been planning to stab you for a long time, you son of a bitch.”
And everything was normal. It would have been strange if Neil hadn’t answered the evil copy of his pseudo-boyfriend who wasn’t his boyfriend — and whom Andrew could never know the distracting voices in Neil’s head called that.
“I’ll finish cutting the strawberries, Neil. Why don’t you move so Kevin can take the pizza out of the oven?” Renee asked gently, running some water over the knife before pulling out a tray of strawberries.
“Who? Me?”
Kevin Day still hadn’t finished drooling over his man and his man’s man.
“I can do it.” Neil argued, turning to grab one of the oven mitts.
“No, because Kevin hasn’t done anything all night and is watching Exy like a damn kid with a tablet.” Allison jumped off the counter, closing Kevin’s laptop with little delicacy.
Andrew was still staring intently at Neil, and it was his gaze that stopped Neil’s impulse to keep arguing about how perfectly capable he was of taking a pizza out of the oven. Despite everything, it seemed like no one there was going to comment on the subject anymore. Neil hadn’t noticed when Andrew approached the kitchen, and he might never find out that, in fact, Andrew had been the one responsible for making Allison’s phone disappear during the conversation.
Neil ran his hands through his hair, pulling his curls back, and gave in to the sudden itch he felt along his arms covered in scars. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt because there wasn’t a scar the Foxes there hadn’t seen — at least none of the ones that were actually visible, since Andrew would secretly have a fit if anyone there discovered the sexy mark Neil had just below his hip, following the path of one of the entrances to his abdomen.
Andrew gave Neil one last piercing look before turning around and slowly walking toward their room. The Foxes seemed to be busy arguing about why cheese pizza was a ridiculous flavor, since every pizza had cheese, when Neil realized he was following him.
Neil didn’t quite understand why Andrew’s kiss had become so hungry, so lustful, a delicious attack on his mental faculties. He wouldn’t question it, though, as long as he could feel the calloused fingers of years spent playing Exy — and, my God, how Neil found that part absurdly irresistible — slipping beneath his shirt to squeeze the brown skin of his waist with force.
II.
They had just returned from Eden. With Neil’s encouragement, Matt’s pickup truck had followed right behind Andrew’s Maserati down the road, and the Foxes needed a bigger table this time. Despite the lingering awkwardness, it had been a fun night: Allison had managed to drag a very drunk Kevin Day onto the dance floor, where he showed off his best moves like a true sexy dancing slut. Matt had been behind Dan on the dance floor while she moved her hips and used her boyfriend’s tall body like a wall to lean against and slide along — the two of them had lost count of how many people had come up to ask if they were willing to take a third person that night. Aaron had been angry all night because Katelyn had plans with her friends and couldn’t come, so he had already reached his drinking limit early and stayed grumpy in the corner of the table, desperately needing sleep. Renee sat at the table, close to Neil and Andrew, looking around with a peaceful smile and a drink that looked delicious — every now and then, someone would come over to try to ask her to dance, but, just like Andrew, she seemed to be on guard that night.
As for Neil and Andrew, the mood was so nice that Neil felt like melting until there was nothing left but bones. Andrew was relaxed, his shoulders loose against the seat, and he himself was the one who, after asking, pulled one of Neil’s legs over his own. They stayed like that for a long time, Neil with one arm resting behind Andrew’s seat — the two of them were on the long bench, which had a comfortable cushion and was shaped like a ‘C’ — while he let his fingers play with the blond strands at the nape of his neck. Neil had watched the Final Destination movies a few days ago, when Andrew had assumed he would enjoy them, so they got into a casual discussion about possible scenarios, occasionally stopping to share a lingering kiss, because it was impossible for Neil to be so close to Andrew without wanting to kiss his lips, his defined jaw, or the apple of his cheek, just below the subtle black smoky makeup he had put around his eyes.
Most of them got out of the car without tripping, with the exception of Aaron, who was leaning on Nicky’s shoulders, and Kevin, who nearly knocked Allison over when she tried to hold him. Not because she wasn’t strong enough, but because the idiot was tall and awkward when he drank too much.
“Monster, could you maybe...” She grumbled, holding Kevin underneath the arms like a fussy child. Neil narrowed his eyes at her because of the nickname, giving Andrew a quick look, and Andrew raised an eyebrow before turning to go inside. “Fuck. Shit, can someone help me with this inflatable tube man?” With a loud laugh, Matt approached the two of them, grabbing Kevin by the waist and throwing him over his own shoulder to carry him inside.
Neil was already following Andrew, but he held back a laugh when Dan made some joke about needing to test what Kevin Day’s commentary would sound like during an Exy game in that state.
The house in Columbia was spacious, and the low lighting, since Andrew had chosen to turn on only the yellowish lights on the porch, made the place even cozier. Matt threw Kevin onto the couch while Nicky took Aaron to the bedroom, listening to him recite chemical formulas and talk about how beautiful Katelyn was.
Neil had sat in one of the armchairs near the turned-off television, his legs crossed and his eyes following Andrew as he moved around the kitchen with Renee. When they returned, Andrew was holding a glass of water and Renee had a few polvilho crackers on a plate, which she placed on the coffee table. Since Matt had settled onto the floor near Dan and Allison, Andrew had to kick Kevin in the shin to wake him from his drunken trance and get him to sit properly on the couch, after he grumbled in pain.
“Drink. I don’t want you throwing up on the carpet.” Andrew said, holding the glass of water out to Kevin, who rubbed his eyes hard in an attempt to clear his blurry vision.
“I would’ve said yes. He was a pretty hot guy.” Allison was remembering one of the people who had offered to be Dan and Matt’s third on the dance floor. “And an athlete. He had huge legs.”
“You just described Neil.” Matt was the one who said it, pointing toward the attacker with a nod. Neil’s eyes widened, but softened when Dan let out a breathy laugh.
“Unfortunately, Neil wouldn’t give us that blessing.” Dan mimicked a whine in her voice, and Neil shrugged when he understood exactly what they were talking about. Andrew shifted his gaze between the four of them, but he didn’t seem unhappy with the subject — or maybe he was simply controlling his impatience with Kevin spilling water all over his chest like a child.
“This is about...?” Neil made a gesture with his hands, like two cars crashing into each other, and Matt dissolved into a resigned laugh.
“About sharing, my dear friend. Imagine Dan grabbing you from behind while Matt...” His voice was interrupted when Andrew cleared his throat, his honey-colored eyes darker than usual and his fists clenched. Allison stopped talking, but shrugged and winked at Neil.
“Alli.” Renee was sitting on the arm of Neil’s chair, holding about three crackers she had taken from the plate and her short, colored hair tied up in a bun.
“I’m just saying. Andrew got to you first, but if he’d taken a little longer...” Neil disagreed. In fact, he didn’t quite understand what Allison meant, since, ever since he had set foot in Palmetto, there had only been Andrew in his head. Before, it had been a confused and distrustful feeling, which became something tangible as things between them progressed.
Andrew had given in to sitting on the couch beside Kevin when the drunken idiot grabbed his wrist and entered a state of drunken floating, his chin and shirt collar wet. The touch seemed familiar, since Andrew didn’t pull away and was relaxed against the couch cushions. Neil knew they had had that protective relationship since before they went to get him in Millport, but it was curious to see them like that nowadays. Despite everything, Neil was fine with it, laughing at Allison’s arguments about why the people at Eden should have more open hearts.
“I agree!” Nicky’s voice came from the stairs. His hair was wet and he looked exhausted. Neil preferred not to think about the possibility that Aaron had thrown up on his shirt. “I’ve already found some very modern couples over there, but a lot of them are still way too old-fashioned. Girl, come on, it’s not the sixties anymore!”
“Exactly! But, hm, I doubt you’d think that way if Erik were here, so you’re nothing but a poser.” Allison clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, leaning over to steal a cracker from the table. Nicky sat down in the other empty armchair, directly across from Neil.
Now, Kevin had fallen asleep on Andrew’s shoulder, his head resting between the back cushion of the couch and Andrew’s arm. Andrew was wearing a turtleneck shirt with sleeves, with a strategic cut below his neck — it exposed the lines of his chest’s fullness, but nothing beyond that was visible — so Kevin was still lying against the part covered by the fabric. Neil silently met Andrew’s gaze, realizing that the goalkeeper had already been looking at him, and there was a silent conversation between the two of them about how stingy Kevin Day was with everyone else’s habits, yet drank more than a top-of-the-line car.
“Kevin, for example. I mean, I thought he and Andrew had some undefined gay thing going on.” Matt explained, remembering how the two of them had only gone around together two years ago and had that strange thing between them involving protection and possession. Neil didn’t know when the conversation had reached that topic, but his stomach suddenly twisted.
“Yes! We made bets on that.” Allison agreed. At that moment, Kevin cuddled closer against Andrew’s shoulder without letting go of his wrist, and Andrew let out an impatient breath. “Look at them, they even match.”
“Girl, his boyfriend is right there.” Dan interrupted her, pointing toward Neil, who was still sharing the armchair with Renee.
Even though they didn’t use that term, Neil didn’t usually correct the Foxes. Andrew didn’t show any discomfort either, so it stayed that way. At that moment, however, the mention of framing their relationship as dating, right after they had been discussing more modern and open relationships, made Neil want to throw up. Neil knew he felt differently from other people and that his desire had its own peculiarities — Dan had made him read some Queer websites about it — and the idea of getting involved with anyone else wasn’t even possible in his mind.
Andrew was different. I mean, he hooked up — or still does, Neil had no way of confirming that information — with strangers too, guys who had much more experience and whom he would only see for one night, so maybe that conversation made sense to Andrew. If it did, Neil preferred not to think about it now, or he would actually throw up. He blamed the shot he had drunk at Eden, because it seemed so inconceivable that the unpleasant sensation growing in his stomach could make him feel as disgusted as he did.
“Do you remember that time when, after a game, Andrew dragged Kevin into the locker room and they locked the door for a long time? I mean, I wouldn’t put my hand in the fire that...” Nicky stopped talking when he remembered that, despite gossiping with his team, Andrew was also there, and he didn’t usually spare Nicky from his strength. He had never had the chance to make these theories about Andrew being gay, and even more so about him being gay with Kevin, so he needed to air out those old thoughts that had never left his fanciful little head. Even so, Dan grabbed a cushion that had been lying on the floor and threw it at Nicky’s face in retaliation.
It was at that exact moment that Kevin slipped off Andrew’s arm, smacking his head hard against his own knee, and restrained laughter filled the room. When Andrew — now appearing tenser than before, because he hated people talking about his life, in Neil’s estimation — grabbed him by the back of the neck to pull him upright, Kevin threatened to latch onto his arm — the enormous arm of Andrew that Neil spent hours rubbing his cheeks against — but was stopped when the goalkeeper shook him by the back of his shirt collar.
“Day, enough.” Andrew grumbled, getting up from the couch in one abrupt movement. Neil hadn’t realized he had been staring at the scene unfolding with his icy blue eyes without blinking for quite some time.
“I’ll carry him upstairs.” Matt volunteered, getting up from the floor after stealing a quick peck from Dan.
“Andrew can do it. He’s carried him before.” Allison said, wanting to help. Neil felt a shiver run down his spine and curled his short nails around the scars on his knuckles in an anxious movement. It was ridiculous. It was just Kevin, Andrew was taking care of him, just like he took care of Aaron, Nicky — in his own way — and even Renee, if necessary. Even so, Neil felt an absurd urge to pull Andrew away from there and occupy the space in his arms
Andrew made eye contact with Neil before letting go of Kevin all at once and leaving the room, going upstairs alone. Everyone there seemed to understand that the task would fall to Matt, who quickly supported Kevin against his shoulder again and carried him down the first-floor hallway. Nicky followed Matt to arrange the blankets, since he knew the house much better than Matt, who hadn’t been there as many times. Allison and Dan were the next to leave, talking about how they needed to shower before going to sleep.
In the end, Neil stayed sitting in his armchair for far too long, even forgetting Renee was there, until she spoke after several minutes of silence and made a tremor run through Neil’s shoulders from the surprise.
“Want a glass of water, Neil?” She got up from the arm of the couch, stretching her spine to both sides. Renee hadn’t had anything to drink at Eden, so her balance was perfect.
“I’m fine.” He answered, earning a raised eyebrow from Renee. After taking a deep breath, the attacker got up from the armchair and followed her into the kitchen.
The kitchen was also illuminated by the low light coming from the porch.
“I remember you thinking Andrew and Kevin were together.” It was the worst possible subject. Neil grimaced, pushing himself up onto the counter while Renee got him a glass of water.
“Thank you.” He limited himself to answering, completely ignoring what she had said before. If he started talking about it, he would probably act like a sulky child, and if he hadn’t had the chance to be that child while growing up, he wasn’t going to start behaving so petty now.
“You were definitely an important key for the Foxes, Neil.” You’re the one who brought us together, she said silently, touching one of Neil’s knees as she stopped beside the counter. “We didn’t do things together. We were never this close.” She let go. Neil watched the angelic way she moved around the kitchen. “That includes them. Don’t you think their relationship is more relaxed these days, less like an aggressive, unbreakable promise and more like teammates?”
Neil considered the idea. It was true that, when he arrived in Palmetto, Andrew had threatened him more than once to protect Kevin before anything that compromised his safety had even happened. Kevin had come from an oppressive system of peers, inflexible routines, and impossibly high standards of performance, so Neil knew that the more time passed since Kevin left the nest, the less systematic he seemed. Now, with Wymack, closer to the Foxes, satisfied — in the best Kevin Day way, never too much — with the Foxes’ numbers in the championships and maintaining a strangely close relationship with Jean — and Jeremy, supposedly to know how Jean was doing and how the two of them were doing — Kevin was much less nervous about everything around him. Andrew, who had once kept all his attention on protecting those he was supposed to protect, surrounding his own and snarling at any threat that dared approach, now had time to read books, kiss Neil, have sparring sessions with Renee, and smoke his cigarettes no longer alone on the roof, but with a talkative idiot.
Neil let out a heavy breath, his fingers anxiously playing with the rim of the glass as he thought.
“This feeling...” Before she could finish, Neil lifted his eyes to her and, without saying anything, interrupted her with his sudden attention. Renee gave him a chaste smile.
“There is no feeling.” You don’t know me, he wanted to say, but it was a lie. Neil had promised himself he would stop trying to push his friends away and be more transparent, without lying for no reason. He learned to lie first, then to speak.
“I was going to say that you should talk to Andrew about this non-feeling.” She advised. Renee had always had a panoramic view of everything, partial and understanding. Neil was angry that, with the trust he was placing in the people who lived alongside him and had become part of his life — building relationships, as Dan had said while leaving a lingering kiss on his forehead months ago — he had become so transparent.
“No.” He grumbled, completely out of the question. The first possibility was Andrew finding him petty, ridiculous, and selfish for feeling entitled to be upset — or with these strange waves in his stomach, Neil didn’t know exactly how to describe the sensation — the second, worse possibility was Andrew ignoring this pathetic confession and pulling away because Neil was getting too comfortable. Deep down, his heart told him Andrew would listen, because someone who had given up so many things — so much control — to let Neil into his life, kiss his skin, have the key to his house — his home — wouldn’t suddenly treat him with indifference. Despite everything, Andrew was faithful to his principles and his own thoughts, faithful to himself.
“Okay.” She said, but her smile gave away that she knew she had planted the little seed in Neil’s head. Someone so talkative and foul-mouthed would always lean more toward spilling all his thoughts and letting other people deal with them too. “I’m going to share the room with the girls and Matt.” She explained, taking the empty glass from Neil’s hand, which he hadn’t even realized he had already finished, and placing it in the sink. “Good night, Neil.”
“Good night.” He limited himself to answering, staring at his own reflection in the glass cabinet for a long time before climbing down from the counter.
When he entered the room he usually shared with Andrew whenever they were in Columbia, Neil caught the strong scent of soap, hair shampoo, and cigarettes. Andrew was sitting at the desk, staring at the moon outside the bedroom window with his legs bent. Neil stared at him from the doorway for a while, until he recognized Andrew’s signal with his shoulders telling him to come in already. The bathroom door inside the room was open, the light on, and Neil’s bright orange towel was already in there.
Neil didn’t know what the suffocating feeling trapped in his chest since the conversation in the living room was, but he seemed to have entered a dilemma. Part of him became even more dazed, thinking about Andrew showing that same kind of care to anyone else, while the other screamed that his feelings were completely unnecessary and that thinking that way meant doubting Andrew, breaking his trust. He felt sick.
“Junkie.” Andrew’s voice was low, slightly hoarse. Neil closed the door behind him and approached slowly, his footsteps as quiet as a hare’s. “Are you done yet?”
The question was far too alarming. Andrew still had the cigarette in his hand, but he turned his body slightly at the desk to look at Neil directly. It was funny to think how Andrew looked small and cute — Neil would never have thought he would ever attach that adjective to him — sitting there, facing the window with his legs comfortably tucked up. Are you done thinking so much stupid shit? Neil’s mind echoed. Was that the question, or just another useless thought created by the selfish feeling growing inside him?
“You washed your hair.” Neil observed, making Andrew furrow his brows slightly for a second. Andrew murmured quietly, putting out the cigarette against the window and tossing the butt into the orange ashtray Neil had given him last month — it had a huge fox paw in the center.
“And yours looks terrible.” Andrew stretched out his free hand, hovering near the belt loop of Neil’s pants. When Neil opened an even wider smile, partly because of the insult and partly as an acknowledgment of the silent question, Andrew finally ran his index finger through the denim loop and pulled him closer. Permissions like these, more ordinary, light, and given in more casual moments than when they were ripping clothes off and biting each other between kisses, had become a silent conversation in sync. Andrew knew when Neil wanted to come closer, Neil knew when he should move away, and that was how it worked.
Neil kept his arms still at his sides when Andrew positioned him between his legs, feeling the inner parts of his thighs wrap around Neil’s runner’s legs without any force. A subtle brush of Neil’s dark jeans against the gray sleep pants Andrew was wearing.
“Legs. You can.” Andrew almost whispered, but his tone was still rough to anyone watching from the outside and far too direct. Neil smiled at that, because it could belong to no one but Andrew, and rested his palms on his thigh. “You’ve been thinking too much, rabbit.” With that, Andrew rested his forehead against Neil’s chest as he leaned forward.
Neil remained paralyzed for some time, dazed by the warmth radiating from Andrew’s skin and by the minimal movement of his head being pushed against Neil’s chest with every slow breath.
Andrew’s hands were positioned on Neil’s waist, and he almost choked when he felt the goalkeeper’s thumbs pressed there, in an almost imperceptible movement. Affection. Andrew was caressing him.
“You used to say I wasn’t capable of forming a single thought.” Neil’s voice came out muffled by Andrew’s short blond strands, by how close they were. Neil felt nothing but an absurd urge to hug him and stay there, for hours or days, listening to the sentences unfold in Andrew’s monotone voice.
“Tell me and maybe I’ll reconsider.” It was a challenge, a request, not even remotely an order. Neil felt the air hitch as it left his lungs, almost like a speed bump in the middle of the road, and pressed his lips into a thin line.
“I’m fine.” He said, enough to make Andrew’s shoulders tense slightly and his face lift. The movement left their faces far too close, their noses almost touching. Neil could see the exact point where Andrew’s nose formed its perfectly sculpted bump, leaving his face as harmonious as possible. Beautiful. His honey-colored eyes were dark, with no light at all to break them into shades of yellow. That sentence was a cruel reminder of an even more tormented time they had already been through.
“Neil.”
“Drew.” He whispered, tilting his head forward until their noses finally touched. “Like you said, I think too much.” Andrew stared into those blue eyes for some interminable time, searching for something left unsaid, something described in the ripples of his irises. After some time spent silently looking at Andrew from so close, it became unbearable. It was a matter of need when he leaned in to slowly seal their lips together. Some time ago, Neil had wondered if Andrew thought these displays of affection were a great, pointless waste. Little kisses, having his hair stroked, holding hands. Now, aware that he can unravel Andrew a little more every day and that he would never rush this lovely process, Neil knows that, yes, he likes it, on good days.
Even on good days, Andrew doesn’t ask clearly, but he gets grumpy and uses rougher touches to coax Neil into holding his hand, like the tug Andrew gives Neil’s wrist while they walk down the street just so he can slip his hand between his fingers and intertwine them. Every time, however, Andrew is still attacked by the blush spreading across his ears, down his cheeks and nose, and along his neck. It also appears on his chest, when Neil gets the chance to see the scene up close with Andrew shirtless. Blond hairs, flushed skin, the subtle rise of his chest with his uneven breathing and the hoarse voice of approval for the wet kisses Neil draws across his abdomen.
Andrew slipped one hand beneath Neil’s shirt, feeling the dimples the striker had at the base of his spine, and parted his lips to invade him with his tongue. Andrew tasted like toothpaste, and Neil felt a strange sense of comfort imagining him getting ready for bed. These stupid feelings made him think everything Andrew did was adorable, the most beautiful thing in the world. He hadn’t been prepared to become such a softie, but at least he could still choose what he did or didn’t expose to the world.
Neil didn’t move his hands an inch. They were still resting at the same height, his fingers caressing Andrew’s thighs through the fabric, as he returned Andrew’s kisses. The heavy breath Andrew let out against his lips, combined with the short black-painted nails of the hand at his lower back playing with the waistband of his pants, made Neil shiver.
Andrew pulled away from Neil with a smack, letting his hands slide away from his waist and shifting his weight backward, his palms braced against the desk. Neil followed him for a moment, eyes closed and reddened lips addicted to his kisses, until he realized Andrew had really pulled away and wasn’t just teasing him, as he so often did.
“Go take a shower, junkie. You smell like sweat.” Andrew pushed him away with one of his legs. Neil let out a breathy laugh and rolled his eyes.
“You like it when I smell like sweat.” Freak. It wasn’t a lie, Andrew really did have a weakness for Neil Josten after he spent hours running. He always came back with his bangs dripping wet and the damn running shorts riding high on his thick thighs.
“Not when it’s someone else’s sweat, Neil.” Andrew’s answer came from the tip of his tongue, quick and with an air of resentment. Neil frowned slightly and felt like laughing at himself for wondering if maybe Andrew Minyard was jealous of the people who had been rubbing against Neil inside Eden. Of course not.
“But you approve of the smell of our sweat. And the taste. When we’re...”
“Shower, Josten. Now. Get out of my sight.” And another kick. Neil laughed louder this time, gripping Andrew’s calves so he wouldn’t fall backward from the force of his heel pushing him away. Neil was going to say when, after practice, the two of them lingered around each other in the locker room, because Neil wasn’t going to be the one to think of a double entendre. Even so, Andrew needed a much greater effort to keep his expression disinterested.
Neil let himself be defeated, planting one last kiss on Andrew’s temple before disappearing from there. He could hear the goalkeeper mutter some curse under his breath and a rustling that gave away that he had gone to burrow beneath the blankets.
[...]