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'Well, now, we have come to the centre. According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere flea bites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.'
. . .
The dull slam of a book shutting could be heard in the otherwise abandoned dormitory.
Rin draws in a sharp breath as he sets the text down on his cluttered nightstand, knocking aside a few stationery in the process. He'd been assigned supplementary reading to further—or begin, rather—his understanding of Catholic philosophy. Usually he'd skip any extra reading; if it isn't required, then surely nothing in there is important anyway! However, Yukio went through the extra trouble to highlight specific passages to drastically lower the amount of reading he'd need to trudge through. The least Rin could do was actually try to read it.
Growing up in a monastery, Rin had unwillingly heard of the seven deadly sins in a few dull lessons that snuck through his firewall against boring lectures. With a looming death sentence hanging over his head, however, his willingness to retain information may have grown just a smidge. It's not like the topic was totally boring, many manga and games use the seven sins as archetypes for a reason.
Although he may not be willing to admit it, one bit information ended up piquing his interest: information on his father.
Not Shiro, unfortunately, although Rin could see his habitual drinking as a gluttinous sin. That probably didn't count though, he was the damn Paladin! Surely he was somehow drinking in a holy way, or something of the sort. No, he found info about Satan.
If Lucifer were to fall from grace due as a result of pride, the original sin, he must be the most prideful. But… wait.
Rin snatches the book and flips roughly to a dog-eared page.
'Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.'
If Pride is the source of every subsequent sin, and Satan is Rin's biological father… would that make Rin a manifestation of every sin?
He lets out a sharp scoff and leans back while tossing the book to the wayside once more. Yet, as he shuts his eyes, the ridiculous thought simply couldn't go away.
…Am I a sinner?
I. LUST
Maybe he picked it up from Shiro's own pervy tendencies or perhaps it was a part of his natural inclinations, but Rin could understand Renzou's constant ogling sometimes. He doesn't mean to, but sometimes he catches himself just… staring. Admiring, even.
If she stood in the Garden of Amahara, Shiemi would outshine any bloom at its peak with a simple yet earnest smile. Rin could be oblivious at times, but he wasn't blind! It seems as if growing up in her grandma's garden made her one of nature's own wonders. Her beauty is highlighted even further once you get to know her more. He would blush whenever he notices Shiemi entranced by his ever-animated tail and hopes she doesn't catch him eyeing her as he does.
Then there's Bon—the Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji. The one who tried to steal his ambition but ended up stealing his heart instead. There lies a passion shared between only them that drives the two closer and closer, but neither one of them seem to want to acknowledge it. Instead, fleeting eye contact and little teasing grins only the other would catch were commonplace. Rin hadn't really given relationships with another man much thought, but with Bon in the picture it seems to be all he ever dreams about.
Rin had never truly fancied anyone prior to attending True Cross Academy, and the sudden shift from essentially no romantic interest to the persistent and esoteric fantasies of a pubescent teenage demon shook his world. He wasn't quite sure which thoughts were considered "normal," but there wasn't really anyone Rin could ask; he isn't that close with his friends (it doesn't help that he's crushing on a few), Shiro is dead, and there's no way he's asking Yukio of all people.
He knows he should be focusing on school. His life quite literally depends on it. He just can't help but study those around him instead.
II. GLUTTONY
Nothing screams "home" to Rin more than sukiyaki. The warm comfort of its hearty broth and the emphasis on fresh ingredients never fails to make him salivate. When paired with the gathering of family and laughter shared around the table, there's nothing quite like it.
It's quite a shame that Rin's love language is food. After all, it costs money to put food on the table.
There was almost always an extra serving of beef that no one else seemed to touch, conveniently leaving Rin to finish it. He basically lived in the kitchen to practice cooking, and higher quality cuts of meat were a rare find.
He'd once overheard Shiro say something about "positive reinforcement" or the like. Any cause for celebration for Rin's accomplishments usually involved sukiyaki—only for him to mess things up within a few days. Every celebration came crashing down when Rin inevitably ruined whatever he's involved in: school, work, arguments, fights, and more. Sukiyaki is not a particularly lavish dish per se, but it feels like he drained the monastery's much-needed expenses for nothing.
He's a waste of money. A waste of food.
Maybe there's something deep in his subconscious that purposefully makes him a failure. If he keeps screwing things up, then he can always "achieve" something again; a hunger never to be satisfied. All for sukiyaki. Always for home.
III. GREED
Despite his heritage, Rin tries to think of himself as a selfless person. He loves to cook elaborate meals for his friends, discreetly help strangers carry heavy loads with his demonic strength, and occasionally leave out treats for the stray cats around campus (saving the best for Kuro, of course). Though in his heart, there's times when Rin wishes for more.
More time with friends. Despite their ups and downs, the exwires are ultimately the first people Rin could truly call his friends. While they always see each other in cram school and missions, it's just not the same. Will they ever have regular amusement park trips, sightseeing, camping, and retreats?
More time with family. Fifteen years with Shiro, one night with Yuri; both all too short. Words of wisdom never to be spoken, laughter no longer shared. Oh, what Rin would give to be with them again. He only has Yukio left, and he cherishes his baby brother like no other, though he doesn't know if the sentiment is mutual. Even with more time, maybe Yukio would rather avoid him anyway; avoiding his brother means avoiding a demon.
More time for himself. If being busied by one hell of an accelerated program wasn't enough, he always has a pair of eyes on him while doing so. Since day one, Yukio, Shura, or Angel keep a close watch on him at all times. Even if they aren't directly nearby, there's always reminders of what they can do. A bullet to his heart, a ring on his tail, a blade to his neck, all monitoring him the same.
Rin's future isn't certain, and he certainly doesn't know how to spend the rest of his time. Should he live the best and final year of his life, or study relentlessly for an exam with the cards stacked against him? If he miraculously passes, he will be afforded simple yet limited pleasures of time. But more likely than not, he will fail and waste the ticking seconds he has left. Even with the Demon King of Time as a half-brother, there's only so much that could be done.
Above all else, he wants to be loved. But maybe that's too much for the son of Satan to ask.
IV. SLOTH
Having subpar grades is nothing new to Rin. There was a period of time around third or fourth grade when Rin had earnestly tried to raise his grades, but nothing seemed to work. His eyes seemed to wander off the page and he'd get lost in his own world, eventually snapping back to reality and being met with a disappointed glare. Whether it was a teacher, Yukio, or another member of the monastery, Rin would be reprimanded for not taking his academics seriously.
Even outside of school, he was accused of being lazy for being unable to hold a job. Despite his best efforts, every application, every piercing alarm, every interview, every donned uniform ended with him being let go. He seemed to be unfit for any role and always messed things up, ranging from mere absenteeism to ruining sheer volumes of inventory. Shiro tried to console Rin by guaranteeing him a position as the primary inheritant to run the monastery. Little did Rin know at the time, however, that he'd even be a mismatch for that role. The son of Satan could never successfully operate a monastery.
It seems like nothing has changed since coming to the academy. Exorcist cram school attracts only the most talented; the most ambitious; the smartest; the strongest; the best of the best. Take for example Suguro and Konekomaru, who consistently achieve top marks in nearly every subject. At the beginning of the year, Suguro himself even graced Rin with a snide remark about his single-digit exam grade. When the group eventually found out about Rin's deadline, Koneko and Izumo couldn't hide their shock at the impossible task. If the cream of the crop feared the worst, who was Rin to believe in the best?
Even with his demonic strength and tenacity, Rin feels so tired. After all, there's no rest for the wicked.
V. WRATH
For someone absolutely smothered in blue, his entire childhood was tinted in red.
Lashing out, uncontrollable tantrums, flurries of fists, and words of vitriol shaped his world. When Yukio was getting bullied, he warded off the offenders with anger. When the target became Rin, he fought them off tooth and nail. Today, he throws himself head-first at any threat against those he cares for. Unfortunately for Rin, that doesn't seem to benefit him very much.
Fury was a weapon that little Rin used to keep others at bay. It was not until he broke Shiro's ribs during a tantrum that he realized his emotions were awry. He had harmed a loved one. The emotion he wielded to fight for what was right had injured and worried those he cares about. Instead, Rin sought to transform his anger into a shield of determination for others to take refuge in. Yet again, it's never quite that simple. However much Rin wanted to change, wrath still festers inside him like a root. The words of venom toward Shiro that broke his heart on that fateful day was evidence enough.
Losing control at the forest was another major wake-up call. His exposed heritage was definitely cause for concern, yet at the forefront of Rin's mind instead was the danger he posed to his friends. The primal desire to shed blood forever stains his psyche as he remembers baring his fangs at his allies, more than willing to use them at any second. His blind rage led to lost friendships, but inaction would have led to lost friends.
He's angry at himself for being so angry. He's angry at the world for being so cruel. It's quite ironic that an emotion fueled by vengeance is so unfair.
VI. ENVY
"Where is your brother?"
…
The twins seemed inseparable. One never without the other, or at the very least within the near vicinity. With how much they shared, it's hard to believe how different they became. Despite Yukio's hardships at an early age, he still became a prodigy among top exorcists in addition to his taller height, good looks, and popularity. Shocked expressions became commonplace when one introduced the other as their twin brother, some even suspecting infidelity at play.
Around the age of seven, Rin noticed that Yukio began to gradually disappear for extended periods of time. Maybe he joined an afterschool club? He is a bookworm, after all. He couldn't blame Yukio though, second grade sure is hard work.
He sure joined some club alright.
For eight years, Rin was kept in the dark. Secrets that kept him blind, kept him away. Yukio was off training under the old man for nearly a decade without him knowing. Shiro's time, lessons, conversations, proverbs, and praise were never for Rin to experience.
Rin keeps a secret of his own locked deep within his soul: he's jealous of Yukio.
Even now with a shared dormitory, calling their relationship strained would be a grave understatement. Tense periods of silence between them plagued any room the two of them happened to both occupy. As a result, one often sought solace away from the other despite any official orders. Rin's habit of "sneaking" out never raised an eyebrow from the others. That's just what he does, and apparently sucks at it.
Yukio, however, also seems to sneak out. Between teaching, lesson planning, exorcist missions, managing supplies, and more, the childhood pattern of disappearing started up again. Initially, Rin dismissed his absence and assumed Yukio was with on a mission with Shura or hanging out with Shiemi. It wasn't until he started getting questioned by the two themselves that Rin began to put the pieces together. Why Yukio has to sneak away and go incognito is beyond Rin. Whatever he's truly up to, what's one more secret in this game of smoke and mirrors?
Rin loves his brother, he truly does. He knows Yukio loves him too, but not as a demon. Never a demon. Being human grants Yukio a freedom Rin will never experience. Being human grants Yukio time that Rin will never have. Being human grants Yukio acceptance that Rin will never receive.
…
"I do not know; am I my brother's keeper?"
VII. PRIDE
Kuro's faint cries over a drumming heartbeat were the only indicator to his mind that he was still here. Everything else seems foreign to him; blurry vision, vertigo, uneven breaths, the faint scent of bile, and clammy, tingling flesh preoccupy Rin's other senses.
Before he had even realized his own actions, Rin had bolted to his sanctuary of solitude in a panic. He feels so dirty. So rotten. So impure. His mere existence defiles the rooftop air around him.
Rin only barely registers a hand on his trembling shoulder as his body reacts for him, twisting away from the touch and slamming into the wall.
"Rin! What happened to you, are you hurt?"
He couldn't quite make out identity of the form by sight, but Rin knows it's Yukio through the panicked yet efficient searching of his body for wounds.
Even if he had any injuries, there's no point in searching for them—he'd heal before they could be treated. Because he's not human.
"What are you mumbling about? I can't hear you clearly; 'human?'"
Shit. He'd said that out loud? "…I didn't say anything," Rin mutters weakly, ever so slightly easing from his hysterics as Kuro joins his side. "I'm not injured."
"You may not be injured, but you're evidently troubled by something," Yukio remarks matter-of-factly.
Rin simply slides further down the wall and buries his face into Kuro's fur, eliciting a steady purr from the familiar.
He hears a sigh from Yukio and a shifting sound beside him. Minutes pass as silence fills the air, and Rin's breathing gradually settles into a steadier cadence.
"Rin… I'm here for you, got it?" After everything that had flooded his mind, however, Rin fails to muster any reply. After a lack of response, Yukio adjusts his glasses as Rin absentmindedly picks at his clawed fingernails. "I really messed up, didn't I? Shura told me that I need to be more direct at times, and I guess I need to make this clear: I am approaching you not as a teacher, exorcist, or doctor, but as a brother. Please… tell me what's wrong."
After long deliberation, blue and teal eyes finally meet each other's gaze as Rin shifts his attention to his twin.
"I can't do it."
Neither brother dared to follow up such a statement for a minute. It wasn't until Kuro repositioned himself between the two that Rin continued.
"Everyone's so disappointed in me. 'Keep quiet. Don't flame up. Hide your tail. Stay awake in class. Don't get too close. Don't hurt others.' The bar is so low, and I mess up anyway. I'm a sinner, Yukio."
Rin's breathing picks up in pace again, but Yukio senses that this conversation is a "now or never" topic.
"What makes you say that?"
"I keep failing… humanity. Whatever I do seems to make things worse in some way. It feels like just existing ruins people's lives." Rin lets out a slight chuckle despite his somber mood. "Fitting for the son of Satan, huh?"
Yukio furrows his brow in concern. "Rin, I'm a son of Satan too. Do you think I ruin people's lives?"
"Of course not! You listed it yourself—you're a teacher, exorcist, and doctor. You help people in whatever you're doing. Me on the other hand, I'm a delinquent, slacker, troublemaker, and a demon, for fuck's sake. I could never live up to it."
Rin curls into himself slightly and rubs his arms, but Yukio chooses not to comment on it. Whether the rooftop gust was chilly or not, Rin never feels cold, especially not after unsheathing Kurikara. Instead, the cogs of intuition begin turning in his mind.
"And by 'it,' you're still referring to humanity?" Rin responds with a curt nod. "Well, I need you to clarify something for me. Do you think you're failing humans or failing being human?"
Kuro sidles next to Rin in a vain act of comfort when his breath hitches with yet another out of place laugh even as tears begin welling up.
"It hurts when you say it out loud," Rin whispers with a somber smile. "Both. I can't do both."
Rin has had a lot on his plate, but he didn't seem fazed. Carefree, lax, and outgoing—that's what he typically showed instead. It was bizarre for Yukio to see his brother so crestfallen. A boy whose mere existence threatens the lives of thousands, maybe millions, is currently sat on an abandoned rooftop in melancholy with his brother and cat. Yukio blinks a few times to make sure he's correctly processing the scene in front of him before speaking again.
"I know I have said irrevocably harsh words acted abrasive at times, admittedly too much, especially after dad passed away… but I am so, so sorry for not being there for you. Failing quizzes? Practical exams? Sure. But you are not 'failing humanity.' You aren't failing anyone, Rin. Please believe me on at least that."
As Rin begins to stare with a glimpse of hope, it quickly evaporates as Yukio ever so candidly adds, "Yes, you are a sinner."
Kuro bristles at Yukio, hissing all the while as the latter ignores their reactions and doubles down.
"You are a sinner—but there's an important caveat to consider: being sinful is being human. Every single act of sin committed, every feeling of anger, guilt, lust, depression, every thought locked behind sealed lips, proves you are human. Sins are purposefully vague, especially in religious contexts, in order to be self-reflective for those receiving the teachings and allowing them to contemplate on themselves. They are not absolute indicators of a demonic nature. On the other side of the same coin, you are compassionate, selfless, a pillar of support, as well as a source of comfort, laughter, love, and more. For me, your friends, those back at the monastery, Shura, Kuro—hell, even Ukobach and Mephisto. So yes, you are a sinner, Rin. You are human."
A stunned silence takes over Rin as he stares off into the distance. As the wind picks up once more, for what seems like the nth time, Rin starts to tear up again with an accompanying laughter. Yukio was not worried, however; this pure chime of laughter is what Yukio is familiar with, what he's grown up with in the past fifteen years of living with his brother.
"That was a lot of words," Rin comments through his uncontrollable grin as he extends out to hug Yukio. "My fault for having a teacher for a brother, I guess." Yukio scoffs but nevertheless returns the embrace as the sun begins to set in the distance.
. . .
The soft glow of the only illuminated window in the dormitory joins the night as the twins prepare for bed. With an impromptu tutoring session after dinner, Rin settles into his blankets with a newfound sense of comfort in his mind. As Kuro positions himself just above his pillow, one sentence Rin had highlighted replays in his mind as sleep slowly takes over:
'No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.'