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As philosophical as he’d like to get about it, Ponyboy has learned that there is absolutely nothing inspiring nor motivational about the month before college. With his departure less than three weeks away, it seems as if everything that he’s ever known is coming to an abrupt end, and Lord, hasn’t Pony been reminded of it. All of the supplies that he bought last week sit in a cardboard box by the door; his shelves becoming emptier by the day as he slowly prepares for the new life that awaits him.
The others know it as well. It’s testified to in the way that Darry makes Pony a proper breakfast whenever he’s not called to work early. More than once, Two-Bit has taken him to the movies on multiple occasions, despite finding them almost unbearable to sit through. Even Steve, who has successfully kept up a front of indifference, slipped him a whole five dollar bill the other day so that he could get himself some proper lunch.
It shouldn’t be of any surprise that when Pony emerges from his room at around eight, Darry is already in the kitchen preparing eggs.
“Morning kid,” his brother offers in greeting, “how’d you sleep?”
“Not bad,” Pony yawns, moving to pull the instant coffee from the shelf, “this heat’ll be the death of me though. Did Soda already leave?”
Darry nods as he reaches under the cabinet to find some plates. “Yeah, he’s on the open shift today. Said something about heading out with Steve later, so it might just be us for supper.”
Something akin to disappointment must show on his face, because his brother’s next words are laced with concern. “Hey, you alright?”
Now, Pony’s not usually one for insecurity when it comes to his family, and under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t think twice about this. However, his middle brother’s recent behaviour has been nothing if not suspicious. Everyone knows that Steve’s irritation stems from the fact that Soda will invite him along to every plan as long as there’s not a girl involved. He’s done this ever since Pony was old enough to trail after them, and until summer, it never showed any signs of changing.
And then, around a month ago, the excuses started. Going straight from work is a common one, although no one cares to point out that Pony has two functioning legs and can simply walk to the DX if he so chooses. We’ll be late and your coach wants you for some exercises tomorrow, right? - another favourite. Even when Soda doesn’t have plans, he’s often home long after supper, and so the only time that he really gets to see the older boy at the moment are those few tranquil minutes before they both fall asleep.
Perhaps it wouldn’t be so painful if it hadn’t been as abrupt as it was; if Sodapop was instead one of those siblings that had always kept him at a distance. But no, this is the first time in his life that he’d really felt his big brother hasn’t really wanted him around.
Now, it may be nothing at all, and Pony’s mind might just be playing tricks on him. But he knows Soda as well as he does himself, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t goddamn hurt by the absence.
And so, not wanting to sound like a needy child, Pony shakes his head. “Nah, just a bit wound up about college stuff.”
But Darry is nothing if not observant, and he’s seen how his little brother’s eyes follow Soda and Steve whenever they leave in the morning. The way that his shoulders deflate when his company is refused and he’s trying so hard to be alright with it. It’s not that Pony’s not used to being told no; the kid’s not spoiled by any means. But when one has grown up with a brother as loving as Soda, well, the metamorphosis would be a shock to anyone.
It breaks Darry’s heart that he can’t reveal the truth behind their brother’s whereabouts.
“C’mon,” he asserts instead, “let’s go to that new diner for lunch. One of the guys I work with said their burgers are from Heaven itself.”
It’s not much, but Pony’s posture straightens slightly, and God, Darry’s learned to take the win where he can get it.
***
Between rumours of ambrosia-like food and the brand new air-conditioning system, it turns out that they’re not the only ones to use Mary’s Diner as a way to escape the obtrusive heat. It’s completely filled for a Thursday afternoon, and Pony and Darry are genuinely lucky to find the last free corner booth available. The insistent chatter of the other patrons hums around them, the restaurant filled with laughter from both children and adults alike.
“Excited about moving up to college?” Darry asks, absently tapping his fingertips on the table. “It’s only a few weeks away now.”
Pony shrugs as he takes a bite of his burger. “Yeah, I guess. Bit nervous as well. I’m not really sure what to expect.”
It’s the truth if nothing else. The people that they associate with hardly ever go to college, whether that be due to their grades or simply the lack of ability to afford it. All that Pony knows about college is from the ludicrous stories his trackmates have shared about their own siblings’ escapades, and somehow, he can’t picture himself ever fitting into that sort of life.
He’s been raised too goddamn wild.
In another life, perhaps Darry would’ve been able to take that athletics scholarship that was offered to him while their parents were still alive. He’d have had to work like absolute hell to make up the rest of the money, and that in itself would’ve needed a near miracle to pull off. Yet, the words that Two-Bit had said to him all those years ago have stuck; all that kept Darry tied to their neighbourhood was the love that he had for his family. He could’ve gone, packed his worldly possessions into a few boxes and never looked back.
But here he is, half a decade after graduation, labouring for a construction company because he can’t bear to leave them all behind.
It seems as good a time as any to pose the question that’s been plaguing him ever since he got his acceptance letter. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” his older brother answers around his food, a mildly quizzical glint in his eyes.
He hesitates for a moment, trying to find the easiest manner to phrase what he wants to say. “Do you ever… are you ever angry at me for going?”
Darry frowns, confusion crossing his face as he tries to decipher the meaning of the remark. “Angry for what?”
“For me leaving,” Pony repeats helplessly. “Because it feels like I’m abandoning everyone. You, and Soda, and the others.” He pauses, almost afraid of the answer he’ll receive. “And surely there’s some part of you that thinks it’s unfair, Darry. That I get to go to college and you didn’t.”
Whatever bewilderment was once dressed his brother has been completely replaced with something that can only be described as sheer horror.
“Pony, God, why would you even think that?” Darry’s voice carries across the diner, causing the nearby tables to swing their heads. “You’ve spent years working for this. You hardly missed training, stayed up all night studying for exams… kid, you worked like hell for it.”
The older boy breaks his rant before continuing, tone softening slightly. “And I won’t lie, sure, there was a point in my life where I would’ve killed to go. But to do that would’ve meant giving up you and Soda. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is worth the price of that.”
Pony nods, a wave of relief rushing over him at Darry’s honesty. Still, it’s fleeting, as he remembers the whole origin of this concern. “I think Soda’s mad at me for going.”
His brother looks perplexed again. “Kid, I promise you, Soda’s probably the most excited out of all of us. Where’s this coming from?”
“I barely see him anymore, Darry,” Pony replies despondently, “I’ve got three weeks to go, and every time I try to spend time with him there’s always some excuse as to why I can’t. He leaves first thing in the morning and comes back late, and I can’t think of anything that I’ve done. He’s never been like this before.”
A flash of annoyance sweeps across Darry’s expression as he shakes his head firmly. “I’ll talk to him tonight, but Pony, I promise you’ve got nothing to worry about. Don’t think about it anymore, okay? You’re torturing yourself over nothing.”
Pony would very much like to keep going with this conversation; allow his brother to reassure him just as he’s always done. But he doesn’t want to irritate Darry with more questions, so he decides the best thing to do is to keep his mouth shut and carry on eating his food in silence.
***
It’s nearing ten by the time Soda finally walks through the front door. He’s not sure that he remembers a time that he’s been this tired really, having gone straight from the open shift to the garage where the Ford Mainline sits. It’s been the standard routine for the better part of this month; he and Steve aligning their hours so they can work on the car together.
It’s only Darry in the living room, Pony probably having gone to bed early to read. The moments that Soda gets to spend with his younger brother (both of his brothers, really) are few and far between, and he’ll be thankful when this car is finished so that he can make the most of these last weeks before Pony goes to college.
“How was your day?” Darry asks as a way of greeting.
Soda throws his belongings down on the table. “Not bad. Car is almost finished, thank God. Steve’s being pedantic.”
His older brother’s face grows tight. “Soda,” he says, cutting straight to the chase, “you need to talk to Pony. He thinks you’re mad with him for going to college.”
Well, that was the last thing Soda expected to hear tonight. “What do you mean, he thinks I’m mad? Did he say those words exactly?”
Darry’s sigh is deep as he taps his fingers on his left upper arm; a habit he unconsciously picked up from their father many years ago. “We went out for burgers today. Said he was pretty damn sure you were vexed ‘cause you’re barely ‘round anymore and ‘cause you said he couldn’t hang out with you and Steve.”
While his brother has been speaking, a cold hand has pierced his skin and penetrated his heart, clawing at the very part set aside for Pony and Darry. He knows full well that he’s been shoving Pony away of late; he doesn’t have much of a choice given the nature of his absence. But the younger boy seemed so unaffected by it that Soda was sure it hadn’t meant as big a deal to Pony as it did to him.
“But he never said anything,” he whispers, horrified. “I thought he was too busy gettin’ ready for college to notice.”
Now, Soda prides himself quite heavily on being able to read anyone like a damn book. What lacks in cleverness he’s made up for in a social capacity, and his brothers, especially, have a challenging time keeping anything well-hidden from him. All it takes is the briefest slip in their countenance for everything to be forced into the open, and Lord, doesn’t that have its uses when dealing with the emotionally repressed.
It seems that this is one of the rare times that Darry has him beat.
“You know how he gets with internalising things,” the older boy says slowly, “Pony’s hardly gonna tell you what he’s feeling, Soda.” He runs an absent hand through his already tousled hair. “What you and Steve are doing - it’s a good thing. Hell, it’s a great thing. But it’s not worth it if Pony’s lying in bed thinking you’re angry with him.”
Well, that’s a dagger in his chest. “Steve just wants to check everything over,” Soda finds himself begging, “we can bring him ‘round tomorrow night.”
Darry bites his lip, before exhaling. “Alright. I’ll drive him after my shift. But please, I don’t think I can bear to listen to that again.”
“Yeah, I know… I swear, tomorrow.” There’s a familiar burning sensation in his eyes. “I’m gonna take a shower. It’s been a long day.”
If Soda sits clothed on the bathroom tiles, stifling his sobs with a shaking hand while the water runs to mute any sound, it’s no one’s business but his own.
The lights have been turned off when he emerges, signalling that Darry’s already gone to bed. It’s likely that Pony is sleeping too, and so he is especially quiet when he opens the door to their bedroom. Unexpectedly, the lamp is still on, his younger brother leaning against the headboard with eyes half closed, a book resting in his lap.
“Hey honey,” Soda murmurs, trying his best not to think about the conversation that has just taken place, “how was your day?”
Pony yawns, placing his novel aside. “It was okay. How was yours?”
“Good,” he replies weakly, and then, because he’s a coward, “we should get some sleep, kid.”
Pony nods minutely as he places his book on the shelf behind the bed before reaching over to turn off the lamp. The younger boy lies curled on his side as he always does, staring at the wall while Soda pulls back the covers. It’s a routine that, in itself, is so familiar to them both. Yet, he can’t help but feel as if it has been tainted by what Darry has told him, and it takes all that he has not to cave and reveal everything, surprise be damned.
Five minutes later, his brother’s breathing has evened out. Soda is sure that he’s fallen asleep, until unexpectedly, Pony’s voice breaks through the darkness.
His cadence can only be described as apprehensive. “I don’t have to go to college. Not if you really don’t want me to.”
Soda wonders if this is how Darry felt at the diner earlier; overcome by the immense realisation that somewhere over the years, he’d done something to make Pony think that their love was conditional. That by leaving, he is betraying some unspoken rule that they had put in place.
Briefly, there’s a flash of a conversation that the three of them had shared underneath the early fall sky, not long after Johnny and Dallas had died. Soda remembers telling Pony that he’d be happier in college than Tulsa; that Darry was trying to give him the same chance that he’d had to sacrifice.
A lot can shift over the years though, and perhaps Pony thinks that there’s been a change of heart. It had never even occurred to him that his brother would take his absence as a silent indicator of hostility. Sure, the thought of the younger boy not being around anymore is more than enough to break his heart, but God, Soda would never be selfish enough to make him stay.
Somehow, the worst of it isn’t even that. Pony’s been working towards college since the beginning of high-school. Admittedly, it was initially Darry who had kept him in to do his homework and maintained the expectation of As. After a while though, their youngest brother had realised it was those exact things that would allow him to rise above the life that they’d been born into. Late nights studying in the library followed by early mornings at track practice were the normality, and when Pony wasn’t at school he was perched at their dining table with a pile of textbooks. The offer for a full scholarship at the University of Oklahoma had arrived just after graduation.
He was willing to give all of that up if it meant keeping his family. It sounded familiar to their older brother’s own affliction, yet was grounded in something so separated.
Soda pushes himself upright onto his elbows and tries to act like the statement is a surprise to him. Less than an hour ago, it would’ve been. “Honey, what do you mean?” He exclaims softly, not wanting his voice to echo. “Of course I want you to go.”
Pony doesn’t look convinced as he chews on his bottom lip. “It just seems… It seems like you’ve been upset with me lately. And I don’t know what I’ve done.”
The crushing hand around his heart is back, and it takes all the self control Soda has to not wrap his arms around the younger boy and never let go. “God, Pony, I’m not,” he chokes, “I swear. I’ve just been busy with some stuff at work.”
It doesn’t do much to reassure his brother, and Soda sees the devastation on his face, even in the darkness. “I’m not a kid anymore. It’s fine if you don’t want to hang out with me or somethin’, but I wish you’d say that instead of making excuses all of the time.” He pauses, before whispering one last fatal blow. “We used to tell each other everything.”
There’s nothing that Soda can do to stop the tears that are rolling down his cheeks, praying that the dark hides them. “Honey, I swear it’s nothing to do with you. Well, it is, but - please, come ‘round after my shift tomorrow. I’ll explain it all.”
He knows the words are elusive in a way that emphasises Pony’s last remark, but it’s all he can offer without ruining the unexpected nature of their gift. Instead, he reaches out to take his younger brother’s hand in his own.
“Pony,” Soda pleads desperately, squeezing the younger boy’s fingers, “honey, save for these last weeks, when have I ever let you down?”
In the dimness, Pony’s expression shifts from the hurt that it had held a few seconds ago. He looks almost reflective, as if sorting through years of memories to find a contradiction. After a moment, he sighs. “Never.”
The relief is overwhelming. “Exactly. I need you to trust me for a little longer, okay? Just ‘til tomorrow. Can you do that? Please?”
His brother hesitates for a moment, before nodding. “Okay. I trust you,” Pony whispers, and while the younger boy may be a good liar, Soda can’t detect a single falsehood.
It doesn’t fix a damn thing, but for tonight, it has to be enough.
***
“What?” Pony can only assume he’s misheard, or that someone’s died a tragic death.
Steve looks unimpressed from where he’s sprawled across the sofa, a piece of chocolate cake on a plate beside him. “Do. You. Have. Any. Plans,” he repeats impatiently.
Pony can only shrug, too busy with the mental gymnastics of why the older boy’s asking him about his daily activities. While over the years, they’ve settled into their own version of friendship, an offer for company is usually only granted when something’s gone terribly wrong. He doesn’t mention anything that Soda said last night; it feels like a secret that should stay between them.
“Well, if you don’t, come ‘round to the shop at five,” Steve continues, “We’re planning to grab food or something. You should come.”
Pony points an accusing finger, recalling his brother’s words from last night. “Did someone put you up to this?”
The other boy raises his hands defensively before rolling his eyes. “Jesus, sue us for wanting to spend time with you before you head to college! Christ!”
With suspicion still burning its fires, Pony shoots a glare before smirking. “Gonna miss me, Randle?” then before Steve can interject, “fine, I’ll be there at five.”
The day only proceeds to get stranger when Darry walks through the door at three o’clock; a whole two hours before he’s due home.
“What’re you doing back?” Pony looks up in astonishment from where he’s reading his book, “I thought work wasn’t finished ‘til late afternoon!”
His older brother grins. “Got off early due to the heat. You’re going down to see Soda and Steve, yeah?”
Pony is kind enough not to point out that it’s actually not that hot today, and that Darry has had to work through far worse conditions than this. Maybe there’s a new foreman, or they got their work done early?
“Yeah, I am,” he says instead, “gonna leave in a few minutes.”
Placing his work belongings on the table, Darry turns around, the smile still playing on his lips. “If you give me half an hour, I’ll drive you down. It’s too warm and I have something that I need to pass off to Soda anyway.”
His brother has this look on his face as if he knows something that Pony doesn’t, and God, wouldn’t he kill to figure it out. Oh well. “You’re all acting weird,” he mutters, “first Steve invites me out and now whatever you’re up to.”
Darry shrugs. “Want the lift or not, kid?”
Not long after, the two of them are driving the all-too familiar road down to the DX, The Rolling Stones intermittent between the static of the old radio. Darry hums along to the melody while Pony leans against the open window, letting the hot wind blow against his face. It’s something that they have done a million times before, and he can’t help but think about how much he’s going to miss this once he’s at college.
When they pull up, there’s no sight of Steve or Soda. “I swear, if they’ve gone and left without us,” Pony fumes out loud.
“Relax, kid,” Darry parks the truck out the front of the DX. “I’m sure they’re around somewhere.” He unbuckles his seatbelt, but reaches out to stop Pony from doing the same. “Just wait here a minute, would you?”
“Jesus Christ, Darrel!” Pony exclaims, throwing up his hands, “what the absolute hell is doing on?”
Darry grins. “Two minutes. That’s all I ask.” The door is slammed shut before he can hear any of the choice words Pony throws his way.
He’d like to think he knows everyone well enough that he can at least have an educated guess as to why his brothers and Steve have been so suspicious. But, as far as he can see, there’s not one bit of correlation between Soda’s promise last night, and being driven to the DX only to be completely and utterly abandoned. Finally, after what feels like a lifetime of waiting (but in reality can’t have been more than a minute and a half), Darry returns looking like he’s won the lottery.
“Alright kid, c’mon,” he says as he pulls open Pony’s door. “They’re out the back. You need to close your eyes though.”
Before he can get a word in, Darry’s hand has covered the top half of his face. “What’re you doing?” Pony whines, knowing he sounds like a belligerent toddler. “I need to see to walk, y’know!”
“Nah,” he hears Darry laugh as his brother slips his other arm around his shoulder, “I’ve got you.”
Begrudgingly, he allows the older boy to guide him around the back of the DX, all the while cursing about how goddamn secretive they were being. “You’re all keeping something from me! First Soda says that he’ll clear things up tonight, and then Steve invites me to get food, and now you’re home from work early and doing this! Darry, what’s going on?”
He’s offered no response, but as Pony feels them step into the shade of what may be the garage, Darry pulls his hand away. Soda is sprawled across the bonnet of a forest green sedan, a tentative smile playing on his lips. Steve and Two are leaning against its left side, the former’s hands covered in motor oil and grease. At first, Pony doesn’t say anything, too completely overwhelmed with shock to process a single thought, let alone verbalise it.
Steve is the first to break the silence. “Christ, kid, do you know how many all-nighters I’ve pulled getting this thing done up? The least you can do is say thank you!”
Tentatively, Pony looks between the four of them, almost too afraid to accept the fantasy that has been placed before him. “Is… is it mine?”
His smile widening, Soda jumps off the bonnet, and reaching into his pocket, tosses Pony something small and metallic. “If you’re goin’ to college, then you need a way to get back home to visit. I know it’s not much, but -”
Pony, who is busy staring in wonder at the key in his hands, cuts his brother off by throwing his arms around him. “Thank you.” The words themselves are simple, but the emotion in them carries all of the meaning necessary.
If both of them are a bit teary, then that’s of no concern to anyone else.
A lifetime ago, Steve probably wouldn’t have spared much of a thought to Pony leaving; hell, he might’ve had a beer in celebration. They’re older now, and both of them have counted too many casualties to bear the thought of losing another. When Pony hugs the older boy with the same amount of enthusiasm he had Soda, his friend is quick to return it.
Nearby, Darry and Two-Bit are both sporting twin expressions, and Pony swings around to face them. “Did you both know about this?” he accuses. There’s no bite behind his words.
His eldest brother’s complexion is patient. “Pony, why do you think Soda’s been late home all these weeks? Or not let you go along with him and Steve?”
It’s as if all the missing pieces are falling together; the fallacies in his logic as to why Soda’s behaviour had shifted so much. Of course, the answer didn’t rest in the fact that the other boy was mad at his leaving. While Pony will forgive himself for jumping to conclusions, he’s sorry that he ever held a single bit of doubt.
Hugging Soda tighter than before if possible, Pony hopes his brother senses the apology that comes with it.
As he pulls away, Soda offers a grin. “Wanna take her out? Stevie and I are absolutely starving, and it’s about time you repay us for all those lifts.”
Pony chooses not to voice all of his concerns about crashing the car the second he turns out of the DX. Instead, he climbs into the driver’s seat, Darry taking the passenger beside him and the others all piling into the back. It’s a tight fit, but they make it work, and he loves it all the same.
“Jesus, Pony,” Darry hisses as he takes a sharp corner particularly fast, gripping the door handle tightly, “I can see that Steve taught you to drive.”
Two-Bit leans forward against the partition. “I think the kid can fit in a drag race or two before he leaves. He’s a goddamn natural!”
Darry, catching the thoughtful look in Soda’s eye, stands firm. “Absolutely not. Oklahoma University has no use for him if he’s dead.”
Pony rolls his eyes, and just for that remark, decides to place his foot on the accelerator. Those in the back all cheer like school-boys, while his eldest brother, though shaking his head, can’t hide the small smile that plays on his lips.
With the windows down and Elvis Presley hits playing through the radio, it feels like a dream. Pony’s not entirely sure he’s ready to give all of this up in just a few week’s time, but he’s learned it’s best to not dwell too much on the future. Not yet, at least. In this very moment, he’s driving down roads he’s known forever with the people he loves most in the world, and nothing, not even the imminent goodbye, can take it away.
***
That evening is the first in a while that Pony has laid next to his brother and not worried about the consequences of his departure. They’re both leaning against the headboard as he reads his book, Soda occasionally peering over his shoulder to skim the page despite having little interest in the story.
It’s an incredibly juvenile thing to think, but he’s come to realise that when he goes to college, it will be the first time in half a decade that he’s slept alone for an extended period. It’s not an issue that any eighteen year old should have, but it’s become such a habit for the two of them that it was never something worth breaking.
Oh well, he’ll cross that bridge when it comes.
Soda’s voice is quiet, but there’s something uneasy lining it. “Hey Pony?” he asks, “I was just wonderin’... did you really think I was mad at you for going to college?”
It’s likely that this has been playing on his older brother’s mind all day, and Pony had known that the question was coming sooner or later. He shuts his book, trying to formulate all of the emotions he’d felt this past month without breaking Soda’s heart.
“I dunno,” he settles on, “it’s not that I jumped to that conclusion, exactly. But I couldn’t think of any other reason why you didn’t want me around, and at the time, it made the most sense. I mean, I know I’m leaving everyone behind. It hurts me too.”
A sigh escapes from Soda’s lips, and he adjusts them so that his arm is around the younger boy. Just like when they were kids, Pony leans his head on his brother’s shoulder, allowing himself to savor the alleviation of his concern.
“I’m gonna miss you something crazy, kid,” Soda whispers, eyes shining with emotion, “but this is what you’re meant to do. There’s a whole world waiting, and you’re gonna have the time of your life.”
Pony’s throat is too tight to respond with anything profound. “I’ll come and visit every weekend.”
A small laugh escapes from his brother’s lips. “Nah, you won’t. And that’s okay. We’ll be here when you do.”
There’s a knock on the door and Darry stands in the entrance. “I get off at five tomorrow. Do you two wanna catch a movie or something?”
Well, Hell really must have frozen over. Pony can’t remember the last time the older boy voluntarily gave up his night to see a film.
“Sure,” Soda grins, despite knowing that he can’t stand to sit still for the whole thing, “Pony can drive us!”
This all may be coming to an end sooner than any of them would like to admit. A whole lifetime that will no longer be ordinary; days that have been taken for granted. There’s still time though, and somehow, that’s a comfort in itself. Three weeks to ensure that no business is left unfinished, that when summer fades to fall, Pony is able to move from one chapter to another.
They’re going to set the world on fire.