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It's late at night when Dan sits down next to Phil at the foot of their bed, a mug of tea and a warm towel fresh out of the dryer in his hands. Phil makes grabby hands for the tea and Dan hands it over.
“Tell me if you need it cooled down,” He says, watching Phil carefully for his reaction.
Phil blows on the steaming surface of the mug before taking a sip. He makes a soft pleased sound as he drinks, eyes closed and cheeks blushing red.
Dan nods, mostly to himself, proceeds to place the towel around Phil's lower back, and holds it in place there. He lifts the hem of Phil's jumper to let the warm fabric make direct contact with his skin. The grateful sound Phil makes tells Dan it has worked.
“There you go, bub.” Dan smiles, happy to relieve Phil's discomfort in any way he can.
It's been rough, lately, Dan thinks, as his eyes land on the round bump that's started resting on Phil's lap. They've just entered the third trimester and it's taking quite a toll on Phil. From the start, Dan had known it would be a challenge, simply because pregnancy usually is, regardless of the person, but in Phil's case difficulties were always going to be expected. He'd had debilitating dizziness and nausea that turned into a form of chronic fatigue; there had been bleeding gums, night terrors and assorted sleeping disorders, mood swings and brand new food aversions terribly combined with an insatiable appetite.
And yet, nothing has compared to the horrors of month seven.
Phil has been in some kind of pain All. The. Time. His back hurts, his feet hurt, his head hurts, Dan could swear Phil's tongue hurts sometimes too. It's a lot, carrying a child this far into the gestation period. A large child at that, curse both of their genes.
Dan feels guilty sometimes for having done this to Phil, but he has chased those thoughts away to the best of his ability. It is a very caveman-like sentiment, after all. Phil had been just as equally present and enthusiastic in the baby-making process, even if they hadn't known at the time that there was any baby being made. Phil had chosen to go through with the pregnancy, of course, they wouldn't be doing it otherwise. It isn’t Dan's fault as much as it is definitely his responsibility. There's a difference.
Now he gets to show off his skills as an incredible partner, knowing exactly what Phil wants and when he wants it. He's had a lot of practice in that department.
“Thank you,” Phil sighs, pale eyelashes fluttering over plump cheeks.
Dan rubs the towel over Phil's back, softly pressing it into the soft skin. Phil finishes the tea and hands the mug over to him, and Dan immediately puts it on the floor just a bit away from their feet and out of the way.
Phil sighs again as he wraps his arms around his belly. He looks tired, Dan notices, not in the way that he did those first couple of weeks, gaunt and dehydrated. No, he looks a bit worn out and flustered, like he's done quite a lot of physical labour. Dan thinks he sort of has. Pregnancy is no light task to take on.
“Sorry for being such a nuisance. I don't know why it's so hard just to get comfortable.”
This is their second attempt at going to bed. Phil kept shuffling around, taking clothes off just to put the back on again, changing the sheets and asking to switch sides of the bed. The concept of taking a bath had been proposed, then ditched. They had gotten as far as getting under the blankets before Phil decided the whole process had to be restarted. It's a lot, but Dan is doing his best to be an accommodating partner.
“It's okay.” Dan puts his arm around Phil's waist and leans closer to press a soft kiss to his temple. “I know it's hard.” An understatement. He lingers with his nose pressed to the gray specks on the sides of Phil's reddish brown hair.
Phil smells good, sweet and tart, like home.
“It is.” Phil agrees softly, sounding quite pitiful. He grabs Dan's free hand and puts it over his bump.
Automatically Dan splays his fingers over the round expanse, always delighted to have the privilege. Phil doesn’t like Dan saying it much, but the baby is big and still has some more to grow. It makes Dan happy as much as it terrifies him.
The pregnancy had been a sort of abstract concept at the start. Phil's soft tummy had been flat and unassuming, just like it had always been. The whole thing had been treated as a combination of symptoms and plans for their future. But as his belly had started to grow and round out, so clearly pregnant, it had turned real. Right now, under Dan's fingers, he can feel their baby moving. No big kicks or anything too exciting, fortunately for Phil, but just active enough to feel their gentle tossing and turning inside their dad.
“What's that smile for?”
Dan startles slightly. Phil is blinking at him, sleepy behind his clear glasses.
Dan hadn't even realized he was smiling at all, but it's not difficult to answer. He rubs slow circles over the bump, following the kid's movements.
“Just happy,” he says simply.
Phil huffs. “Happy that I kept you up for no reason?”
Dan shakes his head. He kisses Phil's cheek.
“There's a pretty good reason. You're tired and achy and feel weird because you're mega pregnant, that seems perfectly reasonable.”
Phil only grunts in response.
He's been so grumpy, whining and pouting and complaining every step of the way. Dan had expected nothing else, he thinks Phil is entitled to the attitude considering the circumstances. Being pregnant looks like it sucks.
Careful not to jostle him too much, Dan uses the hand on his back to playfully shake Phil, giving him a slow sway from left to right.
“I'm happy that we're almost there, and that you're both healthy.” he concludes, “I know you don't feel so great right now, but you're doing an incredible job. You don't have to apologize for needing me.”
The corner of Phil's mouth quirks up and his round cheeks tint a subtly pinker shade. He closes his eyes and leans against Dan's side, resting his head on his shoulder.
“I know. I love you,” he says with an exhale.
It should be old news by now for Dan, but he never gets tired of Phil saying that, explicitly or in any other way that means love to them. In this moment, it warms his insides like he’s drunk from a fire. He pulls Phil close, both of their hands still on his pregnant belly. Maybe it's the magic of the moment –feeling their child's subtle movements underneath his palms, Phil's warm body so close to his– that has Dan feeling particularly emotional about it all. He feels his eyes well up with grateful tears that he hopes don't end up falling. Phil yawns against his neck and it startles a short laugh out of him. On second thought, maybe he's just sleep deprived and that's what's making him overly sensitive.
“Let's get you in bed, bubby, you're about to start drooling on me.” Dan rubs Phil's back in quick motions, letting the towel fall unceremoniously on the bed.
Phil makes his displeasure clear with a groan, but he peels himself off Dan's side and lets him start taking off his clothes for the second or third time that night.
The glasses go first, carefully placed on the nightstand on Phil's side of the bed. Then goes the jumper, which Dan carefully removes, exposing Phil's belly and chest, leaving his hair tousled. Dan tosses it away onto a chair, to be dealt with later, and kneels on the floor between Phil's legs. Phil looks down at him with an adorably uninterested expression, clearly already half asleep. Dan smiles, amused and incredibly fond. He looks down where he's met with Phil's bare belly right in front of him. The ample expanse of pale skin is covered in moles and freckles and pulled taut with the pressure of the not–so–little–one inside. Phil's navel is beginning to push forward, becoming level with the rest of his belly.
Dan leans down to kiss the skin right above it. His hands settle over the bottom of the bump where faint veins are visible under the skin. He rubs his thumbs over them and presses a kiss or two there for good measure. When he leans back and looks up, he sees the faintest smile on Phil's face breaking through the sleepiness.
“Come on, Philly, lay back so I can take these off.” Dan pats Phil's knees and begins pulling down the hem of the pajama pants. They're brand new and Phil's new favorite, soft and blue and apparently so comfortable, a necessary purchase after none of the older ones would go over his hips.
Phil complies: carefully, he rests his weight on his elbows, pressed against the mattress, and then lowers himself on his back. Dan quickly takes the pants off and leaves Phil in his underwear only. Lately that's the only way he wishes to sleep, having declared any and every piece of fabric and the sensation of seams against his skin his mortal enemies. Dan helps Phil's legs up on the bed and rolls him on his side. He's not that big that he strictly needs the extra help, but Dan will always choose to pamper him, no matter what. Phil jokes that it makes him feel like a stranded turtle stuck on its back.
Dan puts the covers up to Phil's waist so that he can decide how much coverage he wants at any point. The lights in the room are already dimmed to a comfortably low glow, warm and calming. Dan brings over the pregnancy pillow and helps Phil adjust himself around it, his belly resting its weight against the middle, the bottom between his legs. Phil sighs, finally looking content with his eyes closed and his frown lines smoothed over. There's a cup of water within reach, as well as Phil's medication.
Dan just stands next to the bed for a solid minute, watching over his partner. The ritual has already failed once tonight, so he's on high alert, but it looks like it'll stick this time, at least he hopes so. Hesitant to jinx his luck, he walks over to his side of the bed. He's so tired he almost forgets to take his own clothes off and ends up stubbornly struggling to do it while laying down and halfway under the covers.
When he finally settles, he turns the lights off and takes a deep breath.
The room is quiet except for Phil's faint breathing, not quite laboured yet, but on its way there as his lungs get less and less room to expand. Dan listens to it on instinct, always conditioned to literally monitor Phil's every breath. He lets himself take in the soothing rhythm of it. Dan knows he's not asleep yet, that's how familiar the sounds are to him. It's reassuring to have confirmation of Phil's presence next to him, safe and resting, within arm's reach. There's a room next door that's almost ready for their child, but it'll be a while before they'll be comfortable letting them spend the night anywhere else but right beside their bed. Dan fears they'll become overprotective parents, and he'll probably have to bring it up in therapy at some point, but for now he's alright with being a little bit of a control freak.
Phil shifts, and Dan listens with his eyes closed until the rustle off the sheets becomes quiet. Without turning to look, he puts his hand between Phil's shoulder blades and rubs very gently, up and down against the soft skin.
When a few minutes pass and Phil doesn't stir again, Dan lets himself be convinced that this time he's out for good. Maybe they can sleep now. With that realization, he feels all his muscles relaxing for the first time that day. He hadn't realized how tense he had been until he allowed himself to take a break.
It's been rough for Phil, yes, and there's been so little time to acknowledge anything else, aside from the imminent arrival of a new human being, that Dan has truly forgotten to reserve any time for his own rest. He doesn't resent it in the slightest. He's prioritizing Phil's comfort because it seems fair, considering what he has to go through. It feels selfish to want any of that for himself.
It's fine, he's not burning out, there'll be plenty of time for that once they have a screaming baby to deal with. The thought is still terrifying. The reminders are everywhere: in the blankets neatly folded in a brand new drawer; in the room they just finished renovating; in Dan's most recent tabs and the soft protective covers on the corners of every pointy edge; in the movements inside Phil's belly getting stronger and more distinctive every day.
There's a child coming, and they'll be theirs, Dan and Phil's, for them to look after and love, forever.
Dan startles awake, not sure when he ever fell asleep. It was probably just for second, just a blink of unconsciousness and nothing more. He stays still, not sure what woke him but considering just going back to sleep, on purpose this time.
“Dan.”
Immediately he's on his side, hand on Phil's shoulder pushing himself up on his elbow. Half of his brain is still turned off but his body moves on its own. His tongue is having trouble catching up, though.
“Whu–” He yawns. “What is it?”
Phil is rubbing his eyes, clumsy like a child, but he looks otherwise alright, at least as far as Dan can see in the dark.
“Nothing,” he mumbles, the syllables mixing together in one. “Did I wake you?”
“No,” Dan lies. He wasn't officially asleep anyway. “What do you need?”
Phil blinks up at him, squinting and half turned to see him better. Dan gently pulls his shoulder to turn him on his back. Phil lets him. His legs don't fully untangle from the pillow and he keeps hugging it with his right arm. Dan examines him, careful so as not to miss a single detail, or any hint of a warning sign. Phil doesn't look upset, his breathing sounds normal and so is the pace of his heartbeat when Dan puts his hand on his chest.
“Are you feeling sick?” he asks just to make sure.
Phil shakes his head. “I'm alright,” he sighs. “Sorry, I don't know what's wrong.”
Just a couple months ago Dan would've been confused, would've pushed to know what was really going on, but practice has taught him otherwise. Sometimes there's nothing wrong, sometimes Phil is just grappling with the uncomfortable reality of sharing a body with a person they haven't even met yet. It's a hard thing to put into words, especially on a restless night like this.
“S’okay, bub.” Another yawn. There's no telling what time it is anymore, all Dan knows is that it's late and that he'll feel these lost hours tomorrow.
He lays back down on his side, confident that there's no emergency to respond to. He looks at Phil, his shoulder against Dan's chest and his belly sitting proudly under the covers, rising and falling with every breath. Dan's heart does a little flutter at the sight. There had been a part of him that had really thought he wouldn't be this corny and emotional about it, but now he knows that had been naive. When he looks at Phil, his Phil, the one he's loved for almost fifteen whole years, putting his own comfort aside to endure what's probably the most challenging thing a person can do with their own body– it's not something Dan can be casual about.
He reaches out to rest his hand over the bump. Sometimes he feels embarrassingly possessive over it. His cheeks warm up just considering it. It's ridiculous and yet it makes so much sense. That's his. It's theirs, and it's also his. Phil makes a pleased little sound, like a mix between a purr and a sigh, and it's enough to let Dan know exactly what he needs.
He shifts closer to Phil and places a kiss on the side of his head, right on the spot of gray that Dan loves so much.
“Wanna cuddle?” he murmurs next to Phil's ear.
Phil answers by ditching the pillow and trying to maneuver himself onto his side to face him. Dan chuckles, immensely fond.
“Alright,” he says and helps Phil lay his head on Dan’s chest and rest his belly on his torso, like Dan’s become the new pillow.
It's been a while since they've cuddled like this. It's not a position that they've tried to maintain for the whole night since they were young and unreasonable and had to spend most nights under different roofs. Dan is sure that eventually Phil will get too warm and push him away, but for now he's happy to provide whatever comfort that's demanded of him. And demand Phil does.
“Comfy there, bug?” Dan asks with a kiss to the top of Phil's head.
“Like a slug.” Phil answers nonsensically.
“Good to know.”
Dan falls asleep with one hand on Phil's back and the other over their child. It won't be long before the weight of Phil's body is too much for Dan to hold onto and the kid starts moving too much for both of their dads’ liking. In the meantime, they manage to sleep. Dan dreams of taking care of small fluffy creatures that smell like sugary cereal and live in a very warm place. In the morning they'll go through a different set of challenges that aren't all that different from what the bedtime routine had entailed, and will probably be just as unpredictable. Somehow, Dan can't wait.