Work Text:
2017 13 January
2:50 am
Pidgeon has sent a mov
"Hunk, are you recording?" Pidge asked.
"Yup!" Hunk grinned from behind the camera.
"Great!" Pidge took another shot of vodka before speaking. "Last week Keith showed you asshats how to survive an apocalypse. Today I'm going to tell you how to be the only person in your friend group with any goddamn sense."
Step 1: Get yourself an ally, like Hunk!
The camera cut to Hunk's grinning face before switching back to Pidge. "Hunk is my best friend and our resident Lance Tamer. I'd be lost without him, really. It's also his birthday! Happy Birthday, Hunk!" Pidge cheered before downing another shot.
Step 2: Know the players
"It is very important you know who's who in the group. For example, Hunk is the resident Lance Tamer. If it's not for Hunk, Lance would either be in the hospital, dead or in jail thanks to his inability to keep his mouth shut and his terrible ideas we somehow always get dragged into. Keith," Pidge pointed their thumb in the direction of Keith who looked to be .5 seconds away from tackling Lance to the ground. "Mr. 'I'm so emo' Kogane, closet furry, is the reckless idiot with no impulse control. Shiro," Pidge pointed to Shiro who was standing in a corner of the office having a conversation with Allura and Coran. "The human embodiment of the heart eye emoji, is the reckless idiot's impulse control. Honestly, he's more like the embarrassing mom friend. The friend who worries too much and nags you a lot. That's Shiro."
"Coran is like our weird group Uncle who uses us as his test guinea pigs and tries to feed us healthy shit." Pidge made a disgusted face. "Allura is never really a problem unless Shiro is involved..." Pidge trailed off before speaking again. "She's one of the few people who can put Lance in his place and deflate his ego a couple of notches. Let's call her the Wine Aunt. The Wine Mom who wants to be the Vodka Aunt. She pretends she doesn't give shit about us but she cares deeply but she's not motherly material. So she's the Wine Aunt. Lance," Pidge pointed towards Lance who looked to be .5 seconds away from being pummeled to the ground by an annoyed Keith. "furry enthusiast, is the resident flirt with bad pick up lines and even worse jokes and a man of many kinks." Pidge rolled their eyes at their co-worker and looked deadpan at the camera. "God help me."
Step 3: Surround yourself with intelligent people
The camera cut to Pidge sitting in their office surrounded by Rover, the robot they built, their laptop, and various other electronic devices and inventions. "If you surround yourself with intelligent people, or in my case, electronics, you're less likely to be surrounded by pining idiots."
Step 4: Don't catch feelings
"Obviously you've done fucked up and failed to do step three otherwise you wouldn't be here." Pidge sassed off to the camera and rolled their eyes, taking another shot of vodka. "So now onto step four. Do not catch feelings. Run away from that shit. If you catch feelings then you're going to get stuck in the insufferable void called pining. Good luck getting out of that shit, fucker."
Step 5: Just throw out all your friends and build a robot
"Let's be real," Pidge rolled their eyes. "You fucking failed to do step four and now you've caught feelings. Why did you catch feelings? 'Cause life is a bitch that's why. You caught the feelings after I warned you fuckers not to. Your only hope now is to throw out all your friends. Who needs them assholes anyway? Just build a robot. Like Rover!" A smile instantly lit up their face as they hugged their robot Rover. "Everyone needs a robot. Robots won't get on your nerves. Robots don't pine after their best friends and expect you to give them advice. Just build yourself a robot. You won't regret it. And that, you fuckers, is how you become the only person in your group with any goddamn sense. Pidge out."
2017 13 January
10:30 a.m.
Uncle Nigel Thornberry: "Coran is like our weird group Uncle who uses us as his test guinea pigs and tries to feed us healthy shit"
Uncle Nigel Thornberry: w o w
Uncle Nigel Thornberry: also Happy Birthday Hunk!
2017 13 January
10: 38 a.m.
Vodka Mom: Happy Birthday Hunk!
Vodka Mom: lmao Coran is sitting at the kitchen table pouting and grumbling under his breath about ungrateful gremlins
2017 13 January
10:45 a.m.
Pidgeon: square up corn i speak nothing but the truth
2017 13 January
10: 50 a.m.
Hunkalove: Thanks guys!
2017 13 January
10: 54 a.m.
Father Dearest: Pidge you shouldn't be drinking
Father Dearest: also Happy Birthday, Hunk
2017 13 January
11:00 a.m.
Ice Princess: “Mr. 'I'm so emo' Kogane, closet furry” LMAOOOOOO
Ice Princess: im crying
2017 13 January
11:02 a.m.
Emo Edgelord: stfu i’m not a furry
2017 13 January
11:03 a.m.
Ice Princess: rlly?
Ice Princess: those cat ear headbands i found in ur apartment proves otherwise
2017 13 January
11:04 a.m.
Emo Edgelord: wtf
2017 13 January
11:03 a.m.
Vodka Mom: LMAO
2017 13 January
11:04 a.m.
Pidgeon: lmao k e i t h w h y
2017 13 January
11:05 a.m.
Emo Edgelord: they were a gag gift from Shiro one yr
2017 13 January
11:05 a.m.
Father Dearest: sure they were
Father Dearest: I just heard the front door slam shut
Father Dearest: Keith where are you going?
2017 13 January
11:06 a.m.
Emo Edgelord: lance only lives right down the hall
Emo Edgelord: im going kick his scrawny ass
2017 13 January
11:06 a.m.
Ice Princess: shit shit shit shit shit
Ice Princess sent g2g.jpg.
2017 13 January
11:07 a.m.
Emo Edgelord: open the fuck up lance so i can choke you
2017 13 January
11:07 a.m.
Pidgeon: lmao i bet lance would very much enjoy that
2017 13 January
11:08 a.m.
Ice Princess: honestly choking is pretty much the one kink i dont actually have
Ice Princess: go figure
2017 13 January
11:08 a.m.
Vodka Mom: so you’re not denying that you have a daddy kink
2017 13 January
11:09 a.m.
Ice Princess: i mean...
2017 13 January
11:09 a.m.
Father Dearest: bYE
2017 13 January
11:10 a.m.
Hunkalove: i live with the guy i know nearly all of his kinks unfortunately
2017 13 January
11:10 a.m.
Vodka Mom: spill the tea so we can kinkshame
2017 13 January
11:10 a.m.
Ice Princess: hunk dont you dadkfjdkejvaevnnejaej
2017 13 January
11:11 a.m.
Pidgeon: ???
2017 13 January
11:11 a.m.
Hunkalove: keith just jumped out from behind the sofa and tackled lance to the floor
2017 13 January
11:11 a.m.
Vodka Mom: bless
2017 13 January
11:12 a.m.
Hunkalove: keith is currently trying to drag him across the floor
2017 13 January
11:13 a.m.
Vodka Mom: keith when i say drag him i didn’t mean literally drag him
2017 13 January
11:13 a.m.
Father Dearest: look what you did Pidge
Father Dearest: all because you called Keith a closet furry
Father Dearest: and i don’t “nag”
2017 13 January
11:14 a.m.
Vodka Mom: sure Jan
2017 13 January
11:18 a.m.
Ice Princess: KEITH GAVE ME RUG BURNS
2017 13 January
11:18 a.m.
Pidgeon: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
2017 13 January
11:19 a.m.
Emo Edgelord: it was a long time coming