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It happens on a Tuesday. Which isn't exactly odd. At least not for Eddie. Most things happen on Tuesdays.
He deployed on a Tuesday. He got married on a Tuesday. He started at the lafd on a Tuesday. He got stabbed, even, on a Tuesday. In a world of Eddie Diaz versus Tuesdays…he wouldn't say his success record was the best. So, it just makes sense that something like this would happen on an unsuspecting Tuesday evening, with the two of them and Theo huddled around the kitchen table trying to figure out kindergarten math homework.
“You can't change math, Eds,” Buck whined, looking at the page in front of him like the offending piece of paper was covered in a foreign language instead of neat rows of easy addition and subtraction problems.
Eddie gets it. He does. He remembers when Chris was this age and Eddie had first learned about common core. It had been so different from when he was in school, asking the kids to put more detail into the work. He knows now that it's just about teaching the kids the ‘why’ but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
Eddie patted his best friend's back with a smirk, hand between his shoulder blades, feeling the tension drain out of him with the assurance. “Youre doing great.”
Buck just groaned, eyes rolling upwards towards the sky as if he was the toddler at the table instead of the four year old sitting between them.
“Dad?”
The little voice broke through, fingers grabbing at the piece of paper in front of Buck, both of them going completely still as they watched Theo blink at both of them.
“Dad?” He questioned again.
Eddie looked at Buck, trying to gauge his reaction to what the toddler was saying. As far as he was aware this was the first time and it was beautiful and magical and–
Buck was looking at him. Eddie had expected to glance over and see the near perfect sight of happy tears glistening in bright blue eyes as Buck stared at his son, overwhelmed by the fact that he had created this safe space and this bond so strong that he felt comfortable to change his language. Change how he saw Buck. He was not expecting for Buck to be looking at him, head cocked to the side with a little bit of confusion coloring his face.
“Dad!”
Eddie looks over, curious blue-grey eyes staring over the top of a Capri Sun that's being extended towards Eddie, the silver foil shaking in an uneven grip. He takes it, pokes the straw through with ease and hands it back, ignoring the way his own fingers shake more than they should. Theo grabs it with two full hands, squeezing so juice flows out the top. He gives a little giggle and Eddie pulls his henley sleeve down, wiping at the juice that's collected on the table without a second thought, eyes steadfastly avoiding Bucks, although he can feel the way the other man is staring at him through the entire exchange.
“You good,mijo?”
The name slips out. Casually. He's been doing that more lately to the point it's almost second nature. He bites down on the inside of his cheek as he turns, finally, back towards his best friend.
It's the first time that the toddler has said something like that. Eddie knows because he's been the recipient of Buck's hours long phone calls where he laments the fact that he wants the title of dad, despite the tricky feelings that come with it. He knows that his best friend has spent months now keeping Theo safe, loving him and accepting him, and the first person that Theo deems safe. Deems to be on the receiving end of a name that had only ever belonged to Connor before…is Eddie.
He can see the way that Buck is struggling. Despite the smile plastered onto his face, Eddie can tell that he's misty in the corner of his eyes and he's holding something back. He swallows and nods at Eddie before reaching back to the math worksheet and lets out a wet cough.
“Okay bud, let's figure out how Ms. Daniels wants you to do this.”
He knows they should talk about it before he leaves. But, he chickens out, slipping out the front door quietly when Buck goes to put Theo down for the night.
They don't talk.
Eddie worries.
—
They finally talk about it 96 hours later. 96 grueling hours full of shifts and silence and a thick tension that had everyone at the station eyeing them like a volcano that would erupt at any moment and none of them wanted to be a part of the clean up effort.
It comes to a head when it happens again.
They're at the Diaz house this time, Chris helping Buck with dinner while Eddie assists Theo in building the most impressive Lego skyscraper in all of the greater Los Angeles area. Eddie still isn't sure that a Lego isn't going to end up stuck in the toddlers nose or wedged in between his toes, but ever since he saw Chris's Legos, well, there was no way for Theo not to have some of his own stashed away at Eddie’s house for nights like this.
Theo adores Chris and Eddie loves it. He does. Their family is…unconventional. Even to their own friends and coworkers. But it works for them and Eddie wouldn't want it any other way. He's tried before. He doesn't want to go back there. Doesn't want to go back to not having Buck as an integral part of his life and now Theo–the buckling as Chris likes to joke–is just another beautiful thing of Buck that Eddie can't live without now that he’s had it. Eddie once told Buck he was a nester, and he’s come to find that he quite likes the nest they’ve created. Together.
“Are you upset?”
Eddie walks into the kitchen with Theo’s empty juice box and the can of Code Red that Chris had begged for the last time they were at the grocery store, even offering up his own money from the afterschool club he’s been running as their student organizer to purchase the 12 pack.
Although Eddie wasn’t thrilled about it, his kid is 16, so he allowed it. He rinses the can before tossing both into the recycling, the dull clang of the can against the plastic causing Buck to jump from his spot by the stove where he”s standing with his back to Eddie, obviously attempting to ignore him. Or, at least ignore the conversation he knows that they have to have about it all.
Buck turns and shakes his head. “No Eddie–I–” he sucks in a shaky breath. “Would you be made if Chris wanted to start calling me dad?”
“No.”
The answer is immediate, no thought to it. Buck has been as good as a second parent to Christopher since the moment Eddie showed him a photo and his best friend lit up like a Christmas tree, excited about the life that Eddie might be willing to share with him. He’s been in Chris's life longer than his own mother was, and although that fact makes Eddie’s chest ache, it’s the reality of the situation that they’ve found themselves in, and he doesn't regret it. He could never regret a single choice that leads them both to Buck. Despite the horror and heartbreak and struggle… Eddie would pick Buck every time. He knows that his son would too. Chris deciding to call Buck dad would be one of the most beautiful things in the world.
“It’s not the same and you know it.” He argues back. Because it’s not.
Chris had been with Eddie for years, and while he’d missed so many of his sons' first moments, Chris had always known him. He had held his son in his arms when he was born and didn’t have to hand him over to anyone else. He cradled Shannon’s head in his hands while they stared at their precious little boy and although their lives had fallen apart because no, they were never truly in love, he knows that now; they had created a life together that they both would lay down their lives for.
Buck hadn’t gotten that. He’d helped create Theo, sure. He’d delivered him on the same sickly brown couch that still had a home in his living room to this day. But, he’d handed him over and walked away. Eddie knows that it hurt, that there were complicated feelings there. That Buck loves his son but that he never wanted to see him again like this. He never wanted to raise him. To have him. The reason behind doing so is a nightmare, one that Buck never wished for. So Eddie knows that it’s different. He knows that Theo using “dad,” was only ever supposed to be for Connor and that Buck already had complex emotions about the possibility of Theo wanting to call him dad one day.
For it to happen to Eddie. Well, he’s not sure how to take that and he doesn’t want his best friend, the most important person in his life, to hide this away and shove it down until it ruins them, tears them apart in a gruesome and ugly way that leaves bodies in its wake. He wont’ do that to them. He won’t let it happen to the kids.
“Waht do you want me to say, Eds?”
Eddie looks at him. Really looks. His eyes are rimmed red and there’s dark circles under them, deep like he’s been fighting exhaustion for days. He’s in his pajamas still even though it’s almost 5pm, shorts hanging loosely off his hips and thread bare shirt splashed with tomato sauce. He looks–he’s a mess. And Eddie thinks he’s beautiful.
It’s not the first time those thoughts had wormed their way into his mind unbidden. He can usually ignore them, push them back down into the locked box where he keeps all his ugly dirty secrets that no one can know. It’s been harder the last few months to do so. It might be impossible now. He can hear the chatter of their two kids behind the thin wall and as Buck’s crystal blue eyes stare sadly at him, Eddie feels it down to his very core. The love. It’s always been there. He wonders, for just a fleeting moment, if maybe Buck feels it too.
“I want you to be honest.”
Buck gives a hollow laugh at that, setting the spoon in his shaky fingers down onto the counter top. A little bit of red sauce splashes against the granite like blood on asphalt and suddenly Eddie can’t breathe. Even air tastes like ash in his mouth.
“I don’t know what–I–” Buck huffs, crosses his arms and sniffs, obviously fighting back tears. “He thinks of you like a dad.”
“I–I know. And I’m Sorr–”
Buck holds up a hand. “Don’t apologize. I’m glad he does, Eddie. I want him to. I want the two of you to have the kind of relationship that you’ve always wanted me and Chris to have, but Eds,” his voice drops, nerves creeping into the tone like he’s terrified of what is about to leave his own mouth. He swallows hard, takes and breath and–
“I want us to be a family.” Eddie doesn't let him get a word out before interrupting, letting his own traitorous thoughts out into the open.
“I liked it,” he breathes as he takes a step closer to Buck, encouraged by the way the other man’s eyes fall to his lips as he refuses to back away. “I liked that he called me dad and I’m guilty that he hasn’t said it to you yet and I–” he swallows. “I want Chris to call you whatever he wants and I want to be Theo’s dad too and I want to comb my fingers through his curls and call him Mijo the same way that Chris shakes his head at now because he’s too old for me to coddle him anymore. And I want–I–”
“Eddie,” Buck smiles, soft and a little sad. “Breathe, man.”
So Eddie does. One breath in. Counts to three. Breathes out. He does it again. Then again. Eventually he comes back to himself and notices how close they’re standing, bodies almost aligned, Eddie’s hot breath ghosting over the contours of Buck’s face. It would be so easy to–
“I want us to be a family,” Buck agrees. “I just–Eddie I– you have to know that I don’t want it the same way you do.”
Eddie deflates. He’d read it wrong. He had assumed, or hoped really, that he could do this. That he could jump off the cliff and that Buck would be there at the bottom to catch him. He thought that maybe they’d both been denying themselves, but he was wrong. How could he be so stupid?”
“--and I know that my feelings are probably inconvenient but you have to see how this sounds and–and what it looks like. What happens when you find a woman you want to be with? I can’t–it won’t stay the same and once I have you like this I won’t be able to let you go and I know it’s selfish but also Theo doens’t–he can’t do this again. He can't lose someone else too. It’d be worse because you wouldn’t be gone… you just wouldn’t be–not with us.”
“Wait wait waint,” Eddie leans forward just a bit, encroaching further into Buck’s space. “What do you mean our feelings are different, did you not hear what I just said?”
“Yea and I’m telling you it’s not going to work, Eddie! I’m not a–Theo and I arent a placeholder!”
Eddie smiles. He can't help it. There’s something so endearing about this, about Buck's misunderstanding. If he wasn't so entranced by this man he might roll his eyes at the sheer ridiculousness and blatant obtuse nature of the man he loves in so many desperate ways. “Buck. You aren’t a placeholder.”
"That's what I just–”
“I’m not going to be looking for a woman to settle down with. Chris doesn’t need a mom. He has one. She’s not with us anymore and it took me a long time to realize it, but he's had two parents who love him and I want that for Theo too. I want–I don’t want a woman, Buck. I want you.”
“You–” Buck stutters, his breath puffing against Eddie’s lips. They’re so close that Eddie could just lean in and capture them. Seal it with a kiss.
So he does.
He leans in thievery last centimeter, catching Buck’s lips right before he goes to say something else. It’s the best that he can offer, the most serious explanation. Buck must understand because he gasps lightly, letting Eddie’s tongue graze against his lips and push against his own gently. It’s nothing sordid or deep. Just the two of them fitting together like puzzle pieces, a comforting exploration they’ve never had before.
They’ve seen each other in so many ways. Buck has literally held Eddies’ bloodied and broken body together in the back of an ambulance and Eddie has almost killed for Buck. Has almost pulled a trigger he promised he never would again just to get to Buck, to try and save him. They’ve been through hell and back and yet they’ve never touched like this. Never felt like this. Eddie is immediately overcome by it. The very need for oxygen replaced by the thoughts and feelings of Buck. Buck. Buck.
“Daddy?”
They break apart, Buck physically pushing him backwards until he hits the fridge nearly on the opposite side of the kitchen, magnets scattering onto the floor. Big blue eyes dart between the two of them and Eddie can see the question forming in the toddler’s mind.
“Yes, mijo?” Eddie questions but Theo just shakes his head and turns to Buck, little arms extended upwards.
“Daddy?”
And Eddie melts as he watches Buck pick up his–their–kid and cradle him against his chest, blinking back tears as he mouths ‘daddy?’ over his shoulder to Eddie. Eddie can’t help but just smile at it as he tears himself away to go find Chris.
There’s more conversations to have, ones that will be more difficult. But he thinks that they can handle the first two. Together.
Like a family.