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It was a warm night, the boys laughing and drinking on a rooftop with a nice view of the bustling city. It wasn't a special occasion or anything; just one of those nights where it just felt right to get drunk and chat.
They somehow ended up on the topic of Drako and the Damyo's Son, specifically the different worlds they all went to. It wasn't like they hadn't discussed it before, but it still brought a shiver down Donnie's shell. He always tried to give as little info as possible about the hell he ended up getting sent to; nothing more than saying it was an apocalyptic world.
He couldn't help but envy his brothers when it was brought up. Mikey was always excited to remind them of the superhero world he went to, Raph had a blast racing despite the circumstances, and Leo got to meet up with Usagi and ultimately bring them all back.
The three of them had gone into detail about their worlds, but Donnie never did. He was careful about how much emotion he showed when it was brought up, too. If he seemed too unbothered, his brothers would pester him about it more than they already did. If he seemed too nervous, they would treat him like glass and try to make him talk about his feelings.
Neither option was ideal.
When the conversation veered into that familiar territory, Donnie was ready for the questioning. He expected the jokingly solemn whine of, "Come on, dude, you're killing us here! Why don't you wanna tell us?" that came from Mikey.
What he wasn't expecting was the answer he gave.
"'S 'cause you all died in it."
He said it so easily, lips and tongue loosened by the alcohol, words slurred but no less clear. Any warmness he had in his stomach was gone, the familiar chill traveling down his back feeling closer to a razor than ice. The atmosphere changed instantly, heavy and tense.
Leo was the first to break the silence. "...What?"
Donnie clenched his jaw and stared straight ahead, gripping the bottle in his hand way too tightly to be considered safe. "I didn't…" He didn't mean to say it. He never meant to say it.
"Don?" Mikey sounded worried.
Donnie shut his eyes tight. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"Don't wanna—you can't just say that and then expect us to drop it," Raph snapped, though even he had a worried edge to his voice.
Donnie twisted away from the edge of the rooftop and stood, walking a few paces away from them. "Raph, I can't—this isn't something I can just—" He let out a harsh breath, heart hammering against his plastron. "I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
"Don, I don't think this is something you should ignore," Leo reasoned.
"M-Maybe we misheard him," Mikey offered, sounding like he was trying to convince himself more than the others. "Right, Donnie?"
He should've watched how much he drank. He should've been more aware. Even if it didn't get brought up all the time, he should've been prepared anyway. He should've just come up with a different fantasy to tell, something far from the darkness and death he witnessed—anything to stop this exact scenario from ever happening.
He still had nightmares about it, not that anyone knew. It wasn't as often as it used to be, but the memories were still just as vivid as they were when it happened.
His brothers fighting each other, each of them battle wary and injured. His father and sensei, struck down. Casey dead, April strung thin trying to manage a rebellion, the horror that was Stockman and Hun.
The final battle. Watching helplessly as his brothers fell, one after the other, while he could do nothing but continue the fight against the Shredder.
He could see the blood. He could hear their screams die out. They died and he didn't even have time to mourn—
The bottle shattered in his hand, glass clinking to the ground and cutting into his palm.
The world went fuzzy at the edges as his breathing picked up. His brothers, he recognized distantly, were fretting over him. Raph was cradling his hand, but all Donnie could see was a stitched eye and a leather jacket. He choked on his next breath and tried to stumble back, but Mikey caught him by the shoulders—he had two arms, not one. Leo pulled gently by the bicep, leading them all to a vent. He watched Donnie's feet carefully to make sure he wouldn't trip, eye worried and seeing.
Something cracked in Donnie's chest as they sat him down. Tears burned his eyes for brothers that were his but were not at the same time. He saved their world, but at what cost? He killed the Shredder, but to what end? His brothers were dead. They were dead. He grieved them when he got back, and never really stopped. He held it all in, too scared to speak the horrors into existence.
But now he did. He said it out loud, which meant it was true. It meant it happened.
It happened, but he couldn't—
His faced twisted up, his breath hitching. "I couldn't—I couldn't save you," he managed to whisper.
Before he knew it, Donnie was explaining all of it. It emptied from his mouth like a gushing pipe. From Mikey saving him, to finding Splinter's grave, to meeting Leo and Raph—all the way to the battle and the bloody end. He choked past tears and let his body shake apart.
After all these years, he finally let his grief take verbal form.
When it was over, Donnie felt drained and exposed. He wiped his eyes with his good hand—his other became bandaged at some point during his retelling, and Raph just never let go of it—and leveled a tired look on his brothers.
They all wore expressions of shock and worry to varying degrees.
"Dude…" Mikey breathed.
"You just… lived with that?" Raph said. "For all these years?"
"Don, why didn't you tell us any of this?" Leo asked.
Donnie stared at his bandaged hand. "I… didn't want anyone to worry. The first time we talked about it, I thought I just wasn't ready. But more time passed, and I just…" He frowned. "I thought… if I never talked about it, it would go away. It was stupid—"
"Yeah, it was," Raph said, earning a smack in the arm from Leo.
"Dude, that can't be healthy," Mikey said.
Donnie just shrugged.
Leo leaned forward to catch his eyes. "Donnie. You know none of that was your fault, right?"
His eyes burned again, something heavy slinking between his rips. "I couldn't save you."
"You saved the world," Raph reminded him. "You literally killed the Shredder."
"And got you all killed in the process."
"From what I heard," Mikey said, "you're the reason we were able to be a family again."
"And that sacrifice is something we're all willing to make. You know that," Leo added.
"I know. Logically, I know that. But I just—" He wiped fruitlessly at his eyes again. "I watched you die. And I couldn't stop it—"
Between one blink and the next, Mikey was suddenly holding him tight, his cheek pressed against the side of his head.
"It wasn't your fault, Don."
Leo wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "I'm sure the us that you lost would tell you the same."
Raph held his hand between both of his own, squeezing gently. "And we'll tell you as many times as it takes until it gets through that big head of yours."
Donnie's lip trembled. He pressed closer to Mikey, grasped blindly at Leo, and squeezed Raph back. Again, he fell apart, like he had so many times in the past after flashbacks and nightmares. But this time, after so long of carrying this weight on his own, he let his brothers share the load and hold him together.
After so many years, the pain in his chest began to feel just a little bit lighter.