Chapter Text
COLLISION COURSE (n): a direction that will lead to collision with another moving object or person.
[RYAN] Hello. My name’s Ryan, and I’m big into shooting. Shooting with a gun, sure, like, that’s my forte. They don’t call me Ryan the Ranger for nothing; that’s literally why I’m here. But I also like shooting with a different type of weapon— a camera. See, that was my life’s purpose before I chose to become a pilot, and there’s no better time to document my life than now. We’re on— look, we’re on this big fucking robot with a bunch of other pilots that pilot this other big fucking robot. There are two big fucking robots and so why would I not want to document all the big fucking robots?
[NADIA, APPLAUDING] What a way to start your vlog, Ryan. A whole lot of big fucking robots, kudos, kudos. Nobody calls you Ryan the Ranger, by the way. Are you– are you filming me chew?
NADIA throws a muffin at the camera.
[RYAN] Nadia, this is journalism.
[NADIA] The air’s getting to him.
[RYAN] What air.
[NADIA] The psychosis gas I released an hour ago. Pidge’s already throwing things and screaming and barricading herself in small closets.
[RYAN] Pidge does that even without psychosis gas. I make my leave.
[NADIA] Hmm… not without me. You’re just a boring guy, Kinkade. You need my spice and my flourish. No one’s going to watch your intergalactic interviews otherwise.
[RYAN] If you tell people to call me Ryan the Ranger, then sure.
[NADIA, SMUG] I got you, Ryan the Ranger.
[NADIA] Soooo. Who am I here with??
[VERONICA] What’s good, paparazzi? I’m Veronica! And this– this is Acxa.
ACXA gives a half-hearted wave, hand falling to dig straight back into her bowl of purple jello.
[VERONICA, REPULSED] Speaking of Acxa. Girl, you’re not eating that.
[ACXA, FROWNING] I don't know what it is.
[VERONICA] Neither does anyone else. Like, Hunk told me about space goo, but that’s not space goo. Like, that’s either indigestible or explosive diarrhea inducing, so— like, you go down like the Greeks, or you go down like Lance tryna clean the gunk off his Lion. Same thing. How the hell are they getting this cafeteria food?
ACXA pushes the bowl away with one finger.
[ACXA] Veronica, we are at a meal table. I believe your conversation topic is ill-chosen.
[RYAN, SUDDENLY] I'll eat it.
[NADIA] Who are you trying to impress, Ryan?!
[RYAN] This is journalism.
[NADIA] Oh dear.
RYAN takes the bowl and takes a bite. Immediate regret flashes across his face.
[VERONICA] Well, send the toilet trolley over.
[ACXA] Toilet trolley?
[VERONICA] Hunk also gets space-sick.
[NADIA] Hm. He’s not over that yet?
[VERONICA] I mean, he’s adjusting to the flight in the Atlas as opposed to in Yellow. He’ll be fine, we’re all just stressed. Heard even Coran was quieter than usual yesterday.
[RYAN, CHEWING] Right, so this was a mistake.
[VERONICA, LAUGHING] Suffer for your art!
ACXA cracks a smile.
NADIA and RYAN are taking a stroll through the halls, in search of their other friends. RYAN is housing down a bottle of water to wash out the taste of jello. SHIRO is walking towards them from the other end.
[RYAN, WAVING] Hey, Shiro.
[NADIA, EXCITED] Hellooooo, Shiro!
[SHIRO] Ah, hey guys! What’s up?
[RYAN] We’re filming a vlog. You’re in it.
[SHIRO] A vlog. That’s a good idea, Kinkade. Where’ya headed?
[NADIA] Ryan, he told you it was a good idea. Your life is complete. Now leave the ship and start telling people Takashi Shirogane complimented you, it’d probably get you to the MET Gala.
[SHIRO, SLIGHTLY PINK] Ah, well…
[RYAN] Ignore her. We’re in pursuit of good content. Not that your presence isn’t good content, sir, we just want to get the entire ship in on it. How’s it been, captaining the Atlas?
[SHIRO] It’s… different and not-so-different from piloting Black. I’m more distanced from my team— we’re not in one big mecha robot anyway, but I do like how they’re able to bond even more so now. It’s nice. It’s what they need, in the midst of war.
[NADIA] Awww. Well, a few more than others!
[RYAN, SMILING] Oh, yes. I’ve heard of some budding romance in between your paladins. Rumors spread fast when everyone’s tense, seemingly.
[SHIRO, BROWS FURROWING] Romance? I—
[NADIA, PAUSING] What?!
[RYAN] There’s no way you don’t know.
[SHIRO] Well, I’ve heard about some things. But don’t tell me any nitty-gritties. It’ll traumatize me.
[RYAN] Don’t think there’s the time or the headspace to be doing particularly… trauma-inducing-if-walked-in-on things like that. Or maybe there is. I dunno.
[NADIA] Okay, but paladin meddling aside, you surely know romance well, sir.
NADIA gives him a suggestive waggle of her eyebrows.
[SHIRO, EXASPERATED] Rizavi!!
[NADIA] You know my name?
[SHIRO] Of course I know your name!
[RYAN, REALIZING] Tell us about your thing with Mr. Wright, sir!
[SHIRO] I’m not sure if it’s a thing.
SHIRO looks awkwardly at the camera.
[NADIA] Oh, it’s a thing for sure.
[RYAN] I catch Mr. Wright looking at you all the time.
[SHIRO] Really?
[NADIA] Yes, but you do too!
[JAMES, ENTERING THE FRAME] What’re we on about?
JAMES checks his appearance in the camera and gives a self-satisfied nod.
[JAMES, LOOKING AT SHIRO] Oh, good afternoon, sir.
[NADIA] We were just talking about Mr. Shirogane and Mr. Wright.
[JAMES, LAUGHING] Ah. Hah! I see.
SHIRO looks at him intently for a second.
[SHIRO] Griffin, aren’t you in no place to talk?
[JAMES, CONFUSED] …Huh?
[SHIRO, SMIRKING] Don’t huh me. Haven’t you been spending quite a lot of time with Keith recently?
[JAMES] HUH?
[NADIA] WHAT?!
[RYAN] Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
[SHIRO] So it’s true! Well, you mustn’t break his heart, James. You’re a capable, bright-minded young guy, and I hope you do end up bringing out the best in him… despite your prior differences. Keith’s gone through so incredibly much. I swear, I will be the last thing you see if you dare–
[NADIA, LAUGHING] HOLD YOUR HORSES–
[JAMES, HOARSELY] Wait, I thought—
[RYAN] Help!
[SHIRO] Why are we all laughing? I thought—
[JAMES] No, ‘cause—
[NADIA] Wait, ‘cause this is content!
[RYAN, EYEING JAMES] Mr. Shiro, can you give us a moment?
NADIA has not stopped laughing.
[SHIRO] I see what’s going on here with the young-uns. Well, I’ll give you your space. James– you and Keith—
[JAMES] I am feeling rather lightheaded.
[SHIRO] He has that effect on people.
SHIRO walks away, humming, as though he has done god’s work for his love-deprived little brother figure. JAMES looks a bit pale as he whips around to his fellow friends.
[JAMES] You two have serious goddamn explaining to do.
[RYAN] No, okay, look. I’m confused. Because I thought the paladin romance in question was–
[NADIA] Yes, Ryan, I thought it was—
[RYAN, IN UNISON WITH NADIA] Allura and Lance!
[NADIA, IN UNISON WITH RYAN] Lance and Keith!
[JAMES] WHAT?!
NADIA is silent, although there is a growing eerie smile on her face.
[RYAN, GROANING] Oh, come on.
[RYAN] Nadia, just look at them! Lance is practically hanging off Allura all the goddamn time! He talks about her so often– Allura this, Allura that, he chats Hunk and Pidge’s ears off. And well, she’s just incredibly gorgeous. He’s a paladin, they’ve worked together for years on end too, even when she wasn’t. It makes sense for them to be in love. I surmise they’re just waiting it out.
[JAMES] I want to know why people think I’ve got something going on with Keith.
[RYAN] Do you want something going on with Keith?
[JAMES] No! I mean, I don’t know?
[RYAN] You think he’s pretty, though.
[JAMES] Yeah, doesn’t mean I wanna bang him and put a ring on his finger, doesn’t it? And according to Nadia, that’s Lance’s job!
[NADIA] Precisely…
[RYAN] How are you seeing this, Nadia?
[NADIA] Your eyes aren’t tuned to the nuances, Ryan.
[RYAN] Look, I don’t see the nuance. People’ve told me Lance and Keith despised each other. And Allura— Lance— James and Keith— the puzzle pieces fit—
[JAMES, SIGHING] I just want this to be over, man. Fuck. I want to go home and not fight a war.
[NADIA, POINTEDLY IGNORING RYAN] I know, James. We all do. But— even when we’re doing this we can at least… try to forget that we’re fighting a war sometimes, can’t we? And I think— I think I’ve got an idea.
[RYAN] This isn’t good. I would rather go to the MET Gala.
[JAMES] I don’t know what the MET Gala is!
[NADIA] How the fuck?
[JAMES] Tell me what your idea is before you “how the fuck?” me.
[NADIA] In times like these, I think it calls for a little… snooping around. All’s fair in love and war, after all, which is perfect for this scenario!
NADIA turns to the camera.
[NADIA] Ryan, have you got this all on recording?
[RYAN] Unfortunately.