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Jae was tired.
He was so tired of needing to be so many different people, all the people and titles he’s been before and all he must be at present.
His family’s biggest sacrifice.
Airbending prodigy.
One of Ellora’s finest soldiers.
Squad captain.
Member of the White Lotus.
Teacher to the Avatars.
Liar liar liar liar
Jae was so, so tired, and the exhaustion hit him and nested inside him as he finished up his rounds in the guard tower.
Well, "tired" didn’t quite cover it. He felt like his skin was pinched in all the wrong spaces, as if there were beetle-worms just beneath his skin that wriggled and made him twitch. And oh, his ears. Burning with itches each moment, but never more strongly than when he had seen Datu. He had to lie to him, lie to the man he loves more than anything in the world. But was it really a lie? No, surely not. Nisha and Pavi were friends, weren't they?
The excuse fell flat even to him. There’s no getting around it; Jae was lying to Datu.
Datu, with those sea green eyes and that wavy hair and that mouth that was lifted in a soft smile with the sweetest face. Datu, who always asked him what was wrong, who always fixed him at his lowest, who knew how afraid he felt all the time, how scared he was of failure, how much every mistake felt like it would end the world—
‘I would protect my haven and kick them out into the badlands. They’re the reason we live like this, alone and afraid.’
Datu, who was afraid of the Avatar. Datu, who was one of the physically strongest people Jae had ever met and could easily win a fight if it came to it.
Datu, an Elloran guard that would immediately see Jae as a threat to the Haven, would hate him and would effectively kill the girls, and—oh, Havens, it’s so hot.
It’s so hot, and there is no air in Jae’s lungs.
Nobody is coming to save him.
Who is he to demand rescue? Hius purpose is the defense of others.
There is no air in Jae’s lungs, and his ears are burning, nearly bleeding at the tips. The blood is hot; it’s so hot and so tight in his body.
He’s an airbender, damnit. Why can’t he just bend the air into his lungs? Being an airbender is the most important thing about him. When he was brought into the Brigade as a twelve-year-old, he felt almost at peace, given a purpose, and labelled a prodigy. The best little airbender in the whole world. The only thing he can do is protect Ellora, for the survival of Ellora, and for his people. That’s all he can be, an instrument, a weapon, a shield, the best in the Haven. The only bender in his family, and that was all that mattered.
There is blood in his ears. There is sweat in his mouth. It’s so hot, it’s so sticky, and his skin is on fire, on fire and gripping too tight to his ribs. There is no air in his lungs.
He is a traitor. The Avatar, the Avatars, are back, and he has done nothing to protect the Haven. He isn’t worthy of bending, not worthy of anything, and he is a horrible traitor and a defective instrument and—
Jae does not have air in his lungs, and he is going to faint on top of this wall, with his clipboard in his hand and—
He did not do all of his rounds; he didn’t do anything. Dammit, he needs to breathe, he needs to join his body again, and he needs Datu, but Datu will see that he’s a liar, that he’s awful, that he’s a failure, and that he’s harboring a threat to heaven. He needs to BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE NOW BREATHE NOW.
There is a pain in his scalp—so much pain in his scalp. There is a painful expansion in his lungs as he’s trying to cup air back down his throat with one hand, and he gasps in agony. His frantic movements and the force-breathing are all turning his panicked bending into a violent wind that sweeps around this small room, and Jae is convinced he is dying.
There is pressure on his shoulders and a faint shout and suddenly a burst of pain in his scalp, and then his hand is yanked down.
He is going to DIE, he will be put in PRISON, he’s protecting the AVATARS, he will be paraded as a failure, a LIAR LIAR LIAR, a—
“Jae?! Jae, sweetheart, you can’t do that, stop that; you'll hurt yourself, my love, no no no…”
A voice pierces through the screaming in his head and the blood—so much blood in his ears. The world starts to return to him, and Jae is in the middle of a dimming cyclone of his own making, and there is Datu, who will hate him, who knows he’s a liar whose sea-green eyes are wide open in panic and whose voice is soft in the way he’d speak to a scared armadillo-platypus. There isn’t yet enough calm in his brain to form words as his silver eyes meet Datu’s and he sees a terrified face that alternates between holding his gaze and looking up at the top of Jae’s head.
“Hey, love, you can’t–let’s get your hand out of your hair, okay? There, that’s my sweet boy. Breathe with me? Breathe, honey, breathe. Good boy, just breathe, in and out,” Datu soothes, and the gentleness in his words seems to soften the flow of oxygen. Datu’s voice is steady but tinged with fear and desperation as he pulls Jae’s trembling fist to his own chest. “I’m not mad at you, okay?” He will be soon when he sees how much of a liar Jae is, and there is something in his fingers that pricks and feels thin, and many many things are in his palms, and they have a coarse texture.
He looks to his fist, and, oh. There is hair in Jae’s hand. A chunk of it. Dark brown, almost black, straight and long.
Just like his first years in the Brigade, when the struggle of living up to being such a young prodigy would lie on him heavy, like a boulder on his chest, and he felt the crushing force of Ellora pushing into his lungs and forcing out the air he breathed, the air he bent for his Haven. Just like when those lingering anxieties leapt upon him and ripped him apart.
Bloody raw ears, stolen breath, and hair he just couldn’t stop ripping out, leaving behind patches of thinned-out scalp in his wake.
Datu strokes his scalp reverently, whispering to him, “...my poor jay-bird…it’s okay, I’m here now. Not going anywhere.” He deserves better than a liar who rips himself a part, and Jae knows it, and Datu will figure it out soon. “Not going anywhere, you hear me? Whatever you need, Jay-Bird."
"...Datu, I…” Jae tries to speak through the pain in his throat, pain from air being forced down too fast, as Datu gently brushes the hair from his eyes, "... How did—how did you find me...?"
Datu’s thumb goes to his cheekbone and brushes against the small beauty marks that dot his skin. “I was just going to meet you at the end of your patrol, and I heard your wind. I’d know my sweet summer storm anywhere,” a faint, dimpled smile that appeared for precious seconds, “... I thought you were practicing, and I was planning to scoop you up and tell you that you've done enough for one day. But then I heard your gasping.”
There’s an almost imperceptible squeeze around Jae’s shoulder under the hand Datu isn’t using to grip his face. “I knew something was wrong; there’s been something wrong the past few days. I can tell.”
Jae just sighed shakily, eyes darting around to avoid his boyfriend's gaze, a hand going up to his ear. Huh, his mind must’ve just imagined the blood.
“I’m sorry I worried you, but it’s nothing really. I’m just being…I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”
Could he tell how many lies have left Jae’s lips? Can he tell now?
“Oh, Jae…” Datu sighed, and there was a tangible weight on the exhale, “...baby. I know what you’re like when you’re tired. Tired Jae wobbles on his skimmer and hides his yawns and keeps insisting he’s plenty awake until he can’t deny it anymore. Tired Jae has an internal compass that always knows where I am and puts his sleepy head on my shoulder. Tired Jae is trying so hard to keep pushing, but he can usually be convinced to sleep if I promise him I’ll wake him up early the next day, and I never do because I love him and he needs rest.”
“Hey, I have a strict schedule—" Jae interrupts but is soon cut off.
“-And you needing more sleep and more time away from work is a separate issue entirely, but we’ll worry about that later. And I am so in love with the Jae in front of me, but this isn’t tired Jae. This is my sweet boy who’s terrified of something, and I want to help him. Can you help me help him, hm? You're always so helpful.”
And oh, Jae wants to reach out with both hands, hands with blunt and bitten nails, hands that have torn-out hair between slender fingers, and he wants to say, 'I'm sorry, so sorry, and I need you to help me carry this because I am so achingly tired, and I just want to know you’ll still love me, because I love you so much it hurts, because I am so afraid I will need to leave my home soon, and I can't do it without you, and didn’t you want kids?' There are two lovely girls you have to meet; you’ll love them just like I'm starting to, and we’ll be a family out there. Don’t be afraid; you’re so brave and strong and steady. Help me, help me, help me.'
But he doesn't; he’s too afraid, and he’s even more afraid that he always will be, and he simply leans his cheek against Datu’s palm, and the exhaustion of everything slams into him like an unexpected storm front.
“...Datu?” He asks in a hushed and hoarse voice.
“Yes, sweetness?”
“Do you love me?”
It’s such a stupid question, Jae thinks to himself, in the face of everything else. In the face of two avatars, in the face of Ellora losing its benders, in the face of the end of life, he knows it, but he needs to know that the answer won’t change.
"Oh, sweetheart,” Datu smiles, and there is a flood of adoration that Jae is now sitting afloat in. “You are my everything, my wind chime, my beautiful boy, the air I breathe. And just as vital too! I get dizzy when I’m away from you too long!” He lifts the airbender up and off his feet and does a gentle spin. “And you’re so beautiful and so—" he presses a kiss to Jae’s cheek, “so kind,” a kiss to his brow, “so strong, the strongest man I’ve ever met,” a kiss to his jaw, just beneath the ear, “and you have excellent taste in jewelry.” The earrings Datu wears glint in the crack of moonlight, earrings Jae had purchased for him from the finest jewelry maker in town after saving for nearly a year. “Of course I love you! I love you more than anything! More than—"
“More than Ellora?” Jae cuts in, voice soft but carrying a hefty weight.
Datu cups his cheeks. “I love my home, and I love everyone here. I wouldn’t be a guard if I didn’t. I wouldn’t be bringing your whole squad food to encourage you at the gate, even though it's you who makes a cute face when you eat a kachori, if I didn’t love my haven. But part of the reason I love it is because it’s the only place on Earth I can feel your warm breezes during the summer, the only place I can kiss you half to death, and the only place I can see how beautiful you look when you’re gazing at the sky.” There’s a small snort, and Datu gestures to himself. “The other part of why I love Ellora, of course, is that people respect a man in armor and tend to give me a few free snacks when I’m walking around.”
Jae can’t help the laugh that escapes him, and Datu is immediately beaming and lightly pinching his cheek.
“There he is! There’s my sweet boy!”
“Have you considered that the snack shop owners just like your face?” Jae giggles, feeling his heartbeat start to flutter for an entirely different reason now.
“Well, who doesn’t! Hey, maybe we should drop them a visit, hm? And then get out of our armor and get comfortable,” Datu suggests with a playful wink, and then his face softens, "…and once we're comfortable, we can maybe…talk about what caused this?"
Comfortable. Comfortable, Jae can be comfortable. He’s only really ever comfortable around Datu, and maybe tonight, that is all he can ask for. Tonight, he’s no airbending prodigy, no shield of Ellora, no White Lotus. He’s just Jae, and Jae is not a liar tonight because Jae is in love, and there is no dishonesty in it.
“I’d like that. I-I like you. I love you.” The airbender breathes out and wills the air to deliver the words as gently as possible to Datu’s decorated ears. When they reach their target, there’s a kiss on his lips. “I love you too, sweetheart. Now, let’s get your pretty hair all tied up and then go out and eat!”
“That sounds perfect.”
Jae is still tired, and he wants to go to bed after a light meal, but he won’t be alone tonight, and he will fall asleep curled up beside Datu, and every beat of his heart will be more full of love than the last.
And maybe, Jay thinks as he eases and as he feels a hand go through his hair and tie it up near the small of his back, maybe he doesn’t have to choose between Datu and the life that is rapidly changing around him.