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Some part of Buck has always known that he was expendable, maybe that's why he took the dangerous jobs. Maybe that's why he doesn't fight when people tell him he's too much or begin to drift away.
Less people to miss him when he's eventually - inevitably - gone.
Maybe that's why, on the first call he's allowed out on since returning to the 118, Buck makes a choice he thinks will make things easier for everyone.
Even though it means he dies.
***
2 Hours Earlier
“You're still coming over on Saturday, right?” Hen was leaning against the lockers, watching as Buck put his things away. Chimney was on the bench behind him, listening close.
“Of course, your wife and my sister have threatened to stick Athena on me if I don't show.” Buck shut his locker, smoothing a hand over his uniform shirt.
He didn't know why they were fighting so hard to hang onto him and keep him in their lives, he knew it would be easier if they just pushed him away now…but he was selfish, so he'd take whatever scraps he could get until he was told he was too much.
Again.
“Good, I'm glad you're aware of the consequences.” Hen sounded way too pleased with herself.
“Just remember, I'm coming early so that I can get out of there before the kids and…everyone else arrives.”
Everyone else being Eddie and Bobby.
Hen and Chimney shared a look that Buck elected to ignore before mumbling their acknowledgement.
After that, the trio made their way up to the loft for the morning briefing, then Buck went to get started on his chores while the others dug into breakfast. As he walked away, he could hear Hen and Chimney starting to tear into the others for excluding him once more.
He simply quickened his stride so that he was no where near them when they decided they needed to turn their ire on someone else.
Usually him these days.
***
1 Hour Before
“Buckley.” Buck startled at Bobby's flat tone sounding from behind him.
“Yes, captain?” His voice came out quiet, barely concealing the exhaustion and discomfort he was feeling from his leg.
“Jones broke his arm on our last call and I can't get coverage here until later.”
“…Okay?” The confusion must've been evident in his tone, because Bobby sighed heavily in annoyance.
“That means you're out on calls and partnered with Eddie until that coverage arrives.”
“Oh, okay. Thank you for the heads up, captain.” Maybe news like this would've excited him a few weeks ago, now it simply made the invisible wound on his heart grow due to how clearly Bobby didn’t actually want him there.
He turned back to the toilet he was scrubbing, trying to subtly shift to relieve some of the ache in his leg since Bobby was still hovering.
“Buck…” He paused, but didn’t turn around. “Why don’t you go help Hen with the inventory?”
“Chimney’s helping her. Besides, these toilet’s aren’t going to clean themselves.” His voice sounded hollow even to his own ears, the false cheeriness he’d been trying to inject falling short by a mile.
“I’m sure you could use a break-”
“-I’m capable of doing my job, captain.” He didn’t mean to practically spit the words, but found that he didn’t regret them.
The door opened, with someone slipping in, but neither Buck or Bobby paid them any mind.
“I’m not saying you aren’t, but I can clearly see that you’re leg is bothering you, Buck. I’m just trying to get you to take a break.” Buck stiffened at Bobby’s words, defensiveness beginning to creep in more than normal.
“I’m fine. All of you are capable of working through your own discomforts, and I need to learn to suck it up.” A sharp inhale almost caught his attention, but he was too busy trying to remain steady as he stood to pay it any mind. “Besides, I don’t want you to still think I’m a liability to your team. If a call comes in before your floater shows up, I’ll make sure all of you get to go home to your families.”
As if the universe were listening to him, the tones chose that moment to go off. Dropping his cleaning supplies, Buck stepped around a frozen Bobby to find Eddie standing in the middle of the bathroom with an unreadable expression. Buck’s steps faltered for half a second, then he shook it off and kept going.
“Mind if I ride with Hen?” He caught Chimney just before he climbed into the passenger seat of the ambulance.
“Sure,” Chim shrugged before rushing off to the rig while Buck took his place next to Hen.
“Wanna tell me what that was about?” Hen spoke casually as she pulled out of the station.
“I think I need to put in for a transfer.” He kept his eyes forward as Hen inhaled sharply. “I’m just making it harder for everyone by staying. It’s time I took the hint and moved on.”
“B-but where would you go?”
Buck didn’t answer for a moment, listening to the debrief over the radio. Some climbers were stuck on a rocky outcrop halfway down a cliff with the rock crumbling every time they tried to keep going.
Buck felt like he could relate quite a bit to their situation.
“Probably out of LA, but I wouldn’t go more than a few hours away. I feel like you and Maddie would have things to say if I was more than half a days drive from you guys.”
“We wouldn’t be the only ones. Why not just stay in LA?” Her voice wavered slightly.
“C’mon, Hen. No one around here will take me, not after I sued.”
“Rightfully, Buck.” The stubbornness made him smile faintly.
“They don’t see it that way, Hen.” He finally looked over, seeing her gearing up to argue with him, but he was quick to speak up. “We’re here.”
The ambulance had barely come to a stop before he was unbuckling and quickly scrambling out. Since he’d been told he was partnering with Eddie for the time being, the odds were high that he’d be getting sent down which meant that he needed to be ready to gear up.
***
15 Minutes Before
“Let me check your harness.” Buck turned to find Eddie standing behind him, looking determined.
“I’m good, Chimney already checked me.” He turned back towards Bobby, waiting for the all-clear for them to hook up and start dropping down.
“I’d feel better if I could check your harness.”
Buck turned back towards Eddie sharply, annoyance clear on his face.
“I said I’m good. Chimney knows how to check a harness, Diaz, and I haven't forgotten how to do a rope rescue despite how stupid you seem to think I am.” He watched Eddie reel back as if struck, but he didn't stick around long enough for the man to shoot back at him.
“Alright, we need to be quick about this! We've pulled back as far as we can to take pressure off of the edge, but it's still crumbling quickly.” Bobby spoke loudly as Buck and Eddie got hooked up.
Chimney approached with extra harnesses and a med kit, handing the kit to Eddie and the extra harnesses to Buck.
“There's three climbers, but we can't risk sending down another person with you to bring them all up at once so you'll need to be quick.”
Buck nodded in acknowledgement before getting into position. As soon as they were given the green light, Buck and Eddie began to rappel down. They had to maneuver around a second rocky outcrop just above the one the climbers were stranded on, but eventually they landed carefully where they were supposed to be.
Moving quickly, Buck helped assess the climbers before getting two of them harnessed up. Then he was watching Eddie ascend with the first climber while he got the third one harnessed and ready for them to come back for.
“Buck,” Bobby's voice made him pause, tension clear even over the radio. “There's been a development, you need to get out of there.”
“Copy. I have the third climber ready for Eddie to grab and go.” He started to clip himself to the second climber, but Bobby's response stopped him dead.
“Negative. It's too unstable for Eddie to come back down.”
“Uh, the line won't hold all three of us.”
“I know.” Buck could hear the sorrow in Bobby's voice. “You need to make the hard call, Buck.”
The hard call. Bobby wanted him to choose to leave one of the climbers behind.
Except…
Buck looked between the two women, noting their similar features and how the younger woman clung to the slightly older woman; the same way he used to cling to Maddie until his parents had told him he was too old for such actions.
There really wasn't a hard call for him to make.
“Copy that, Captain Nash.”
Moving quickly, Buck clipped the two women together before removing the line from himself and attaching it to the older woman.
“Hold on tight to each other, okay? It sounds like you're experienced climbers, so you know what you need to do on the way up.”
The older woman stared at him for a long moment before nodding, understanding the choice he was making.
“Thank you.” She reached out to squeeze his hand, then wrapped her arms tightly around the younger woman.
“Alright, reel it in.” Buck was careful of his phrasing as he called over the radio, nodding to the women as he did so.
Due to the ledge above them and the fact that Bobby had pulled everyone back, Buck was banking on them not realizing what he'd done until it was too late.
***
Now
“Buckley, what the hell did you do?!” Bobby's voice screamed through the line.
“You wanted me to choose who to leave behind, so I chose to leave myself.”
“The ground up here is getting too unstable! We can't send a line back down for you!” Bobby sounded terrified and furious all at once, making Buck huff a laugh as he slid down to sit on his ledge, back pressed against the cliff face.
“I know, captain. I told you earlier, I'd make sure all of you got to go home to your families. That included the people we were called to help.”
He was met with silence, which was only mildly unexpected as tried to ignore the rocks falling all around him and the faint sound of cracking from the ledge above him. Buck knew it would crush him the moment it gave, so he kept his gaze locked on the horizon.
“What am I supposed to tell Maddie?” Buck shut his eyes briefly, not expecting Chimney’s voice.
“You tell her the truth. I made the call to keep a family together and you tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry.”
“What about our family, Buck?” He could almost picture Hen's grief stricken face. “You’re breaking our family!”
“I already broke it, Hen. I broke it the second I filed that stupid lawsuit…” He cocked his head with a frown. “Or maybe I broke it before then, I don’t know. I’ve tried to fix it, but I just seem to keep making it worse.” He shook his head, letting the tears he’d been holding back for weeks finally fall. “All of you have someone to go home to, Hen. I’m the only one who doesn’t, so it was an easy call to make. My life for theirs and all of yours.”
The cracking sound above him got louder, a large chunk suddenly crashing into the space next to him, pulling a startled shout from his lungs.
“You’re making me say goodbye to another brother, man.” Chimney’s voice was wet with tears.
“I know, and I’m sorry for that, Chim. I really am.” He meant it, even if his current actions didn’t show it.
He own ledge began to crack, the point furthest from him starting to break away. Buck slammed his eyes shut, trying to keep his breathing under control as he radioed up one last time.
“I love you guys.”
The ground under him shook for a moment before disappearing. A feeling of weightlessness hit him before he came to an abrupt stop, the air knocked from his lungs by a pair of legs suddenly wrapped around his torso.
Slowly twisting his head to look up, Buck was shocked to see Eddie above him. His jaw was clenched, face drawn with determination and fear as he glared down at Buck while reaching for his radio.
“I caught him, reel us up.” Eddie released his radio before grabbing onto the back of Buck’s harness, right between his shoulder blades. “You don’t get to die today, Buck. Not on my watch.” Eddie’s legs stayed firmly locked around Buck while his knuckles dug uncomfortably into his spine.
Buck just blinked in response, at a loss for words as he looked back down.
“What happened to it being too unstable?” He isn’t sure Eddie will hear him over the wind and sound of rock cracking.
“A tsunami didn’t stop you from saving my son, so why would I let a little bit of crumbling rock stop me from saving you?”
“Chris was worth saving.”
“And you aren’t?” There was too much noise for Buck to be able to hear what emotion was present in Eddie’s voice and he refused to look up to see the man’s face, so he just shook his head and tried not to squirm too much.
The ambulance was already gone by the time they were back on solid ground, scrambling to their feet to move further away from the edge. Buck refused to look at anyone as he got out of his harness before climbing into the suffocating rig, sitting in the jump seat and only relaxing slightly when Hen and Chimney took the seats closest to him. Eddie to the other jump seat and Bobby took his place in the captain’s seat.
No one spoke on the ride back, but Hen had grabbed his hand at one point and refused to let go.
***
“Buckley,” Buck stopped in his tracks as Bobby called out for him. “You’re done for the day. Pack up and go home, we’ll see you next shift.”
No one protested on his behalf as he simply nodded before making his way to the showers after a quick stop at his locker. The tones sounded once more as he meticulously washed the sweat and dirt off of himself, ignoring the bruises he could see and feel blooming from where the harness had dug in and where Eddie’s legs had caught him.
When he felt clean, he shut off the water and dried off quickly before getting dressed. Making his way back to his locker, he stared at it’s contents for a moment before pulling out his duffel and packing everything into it. He left out his uniforms and the photos with Bobby, Christopher, and Eddie - since he didn’t feel like they wanted him to have those anymore - before making his way to Bobby’s office to grab a transfer request form.
Zipping his bag shut, he took one last look around the station he’d thought was his home and then walked out.
***
The drive back to the loft was a blur. Buck’s phone buzzed occasionally in his pocket, but he didn’t bother looking at it. When he got back to the loft, Buck dumped his duffel out on the dining table before making his way upstairs to pack up the rest of his uniforms and a few other items he wouldn’t be needing anymore. He took everything back downstairs, not bothering to clean up the table as he tossed the bag onto it before kicking off his shoes and once more making his way back up the stairs.
He changed into a pair of pyjamas, put his phone face down on the nightstand furthest from him, crawled under the covers, and promptly passed out.
***
It was dark by the time he woke once more, his bladder demanding priority as he stumbled out of bed.
When he was done, he returned to the bed. He ignored his still-buzzing phone and the rumbling of his empty stomach, staring blankly at his ceiling while his mind drifted.
Buck’s eyes were dry the next time he remembered he needed to blink, inhaling sharply as he tried to figure out how much time had passed. His phone was silent and his stomach had stopped cramping from hunger, his mouth as dry as his eyes as he sat up to finally grab his phone, only to launch himself off the side with a frightened shout when he realized someone was in the bed next to him.
Scrambling for a lamp, he flicked it on with heaving breaths, taking in the sight of Eddie rubbing his eyes with a grimace.
“Wha-?” Eddie’s voice was rough with sleep.
“What the fuck?”
“Huh?” Eddie stopped rubbing at his eyes, realizing Buck was kneeling on the floor. “Oh, you’re back!” Eddie sat up with a yawn.
“What the hell do you mean by that? Why the fuck are you here?” Buck’s fingers flexed around the lamp, having not let go after he’d turned it on.
“You were dissociating pretty hard when I got here. Tried to get you back, but I wasn’t successful so I figured I’d wait it out…didn’t mean to fall asleep, sorry.” Eddie yawned again, shifting to lean against the headboard. “As for the ‘why’, I came to check on you. You weren’t answering your phone, so I volunteered. It was almost noon when we got the call after you were sent home, I got here around nine, and,” Eddie reached for his phone to check the time, “It’s almost two in the morning now.”
“You should be at home with Christopher.” Buck finally released the lamp, shifting until his back was pressed against the brick wall.
“He’s at Hen’s. Last minute sleepover.”
Buck hummed in response, picking at a loose thread on his sleeve.
“You hungry?” Eddie had his phone pulled out, likely pulling up a delivery app.
Buck just shrugged, the numbness he’d been feeling lately creeping back in as he pressed himself a bit more into the rough brick. The uneven surface biting against his skin and making him remember he was bruised from earlier.
“Okay, I’ll get your usual.” Eddie didn’t specify where he was ordering from, and Buck didn’t ask him to.
They sat in silence for a little while. Buck began to drift again until Eddie slid off the bed, pressing against Buck’s side as he joined him on the floor.
It was torture.
It was also bliss.
Everywhere Eddie pressed against him felt like it was burning, and maybe it was. Outside of hugs from his sister, Hen, and Karen or brief brushes with the others at the firehouse, Buck couldn’t really remember the last time someone just…sat like this with him.
He wanted to move away from the burn, but he also wanted to burrow further into it until it consumed him.
“You cleaned out your locker.”
Silence.
“Well, minus the uniforms and some photos.” Eddie sounded a little hurt, but Buck didn’t engage. “I saw your bag downstairs. Hope you don’t mind, but I went through it.”
He should mind. Buck thinks he normally would…but caring about it felt like too big of an ask right then.
“I also saw the blank transfer request form.” Eddie sounded slightly desperate now.
Buck simply let himself slide down slightly, his head falling until it rested on Eddie’s shoulder.
“Uh, M-Maddie’s worried,” Eddie cleared his throat. “So’s everyone else, but they all started blowing up my phone after I got here and told them why you weren’t answering.”
Another hum from Buck, the first sigh from Eddie.
“You scared the shit out of me today, but it was unfortunately what I needed to pull my head out of my ass.” Eddie’s head tipped to rest on top of Buck’s with another sigh.
It burned just like every other point of contact.
“I know you’re pretty drained right now, but I promise I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’m not leaving you to keep drowning, not again.”
Buck wasn’t sure if he believed him.
***
Eddie pulled away when the food arrived, but was quick to return. Buck ate mechanically under Eddie’s watchful eyes before finally deciding he couldn’t stomach anything more.
Eddie pulled away once more to put the food in the fridge, returning shortly after with a cold glass of water and a bottle of vitamin water. When the glass was empty and the bottle was half gone, Eddie finally returned to his spot next to Buck, letting the man reclaim his shoulder as his pillow once more.
Buck wasn’t sure when he would be ready to speak to Eddie or face the world once more, but he was beginning to believe that Eddie would still be there when he was.