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Chapter Text

Day 0

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             (On Day 1, Regina was briefly torn as to whether or not this day should be included.  No one had come, obviously because nobody was going to come back the same day they’d left.  For the sake of accurate recordkeeping, however, she chose to compromise by starting from that day, but numbering it zero.  Satisfied, she moved on to more important tasks, including one very big addition to the mayor’s office.  It took a little getting used to, but it was either that or move the office.  And Regina didn’t feel like moving her desk into the woods.  She could have used magic, but there were bugs.)

 Day 1

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             (No one came the first day, but that was all right.  Regina was quite busy with things, primarily a rewrite of the town charter and extensive modifications to local laws and ordinances.  She didn’t need to be cluttered with explanations and politeness.  But she did take a moment to peruse her list of most likely candidates and make a bet with herself who would be first.)

 Day 2

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             (No one came that day, and she allowed herself to worry a little.  What if no one came?  What if steps were taken to prevent that?  What if there were new dangers in the Enchanted Forest that no one had been expecting?  What if the portal had been booby-trapped, like what Regina had done with the portal that had eventually brought back Snow White and the Sheriff.  Also, Regina was beginning to feel Henry’s absence, almost like a physical blow that would strike her at random intervals throughout the day.  Not to mention the quiet; often she had wished for nothing more than those idiots to stop their incessant yapping, but this silence was beginning to feel a bit disturbing.  You couldn’t appreciate true loneliness until you were the sole person in a town that had formerly held thousands.  She slept poorly that night.)

 Day 3

             Dr. Victor Frankenstein/Dr. Alan Whale (10:57 AM)

             Regina penciled in his name with her very neat penmanship, quietly congratulating herself on wagering correctly.  Then she looked up again and smiled brightly.  “Dr. Whale – or is it Dr. Frankenstein?  Which would you prefer?”

             Bewildered, he briefly stammered over his words.  “Dr. W-Whale?  Re-regina?  What – “

             She wasn’t sure if he was stating a preference or just mindlessly repeating her words.  “Is something the matter, Doctor?”

             He finally seemed to snap out of it.  “The last time I was here, this portal was where the old wishing well used to be.”

             He gestured to the large, man-sized portal that hovered behind him, like an oval-shaped doorway that glowed with blue-white light.  One minute Regina had been alone, the next he’d been there.  With the same bags he’d left with, it appeared.

             “Yes, I moved it to my office,” Regina said.  “The well had served its purpose.  There was no reason to leave the portal there, and I felt it would be much more useful here.”

             “Why?”

             “Well, I simply had to be here when people started returning, in order to explain the new rules.  What would you have me do, sit in the woods all day?”

             He narrowed his eyes.  “What new rules?”

             Regina chuckled.  “Oh, don’t say it like that, like it’s a deathtrap.”

             “Regina – “

             “As I said before, which name would you prefer to be called while you’re here?”

             Victor stiffened.  “Victor Frankenstein, of course.  It’s the name I was born with.”

             “Excellent,” Regina said, underlining his name in her ledger.  “Now, in answer to your earlier question, the most important new rule is actually the return of an old one.  I will be resuming my role as mayor of Storybrooke, and the townspeople will resume re-electing me.”

             “So what, you want to be mayor for life now?  Isn’t that just another word for queen?”

             “Hardly,” she replied.  “This isn’t the Enchanted Forest, this is the United States.  America has no kings or queens.”

             “A rose by any other name – “

             “Victor, ‘queen’ implies that this town will be governed by a monarchy, when in fact, it will be governed by a democratically elected mayor and City Council.  Residents can go on voting for whomever they like for Council, Sheriff, district attorney, and so on.  They just have to accept that in Storybrooke, any vote for someone other than myself in a mayoral race won’t be counted,” she explained.

             He didn’t seem persuaded, which was hardly fair.  Didn’t he just come from a land divided into several monarchies?  Didn’t he grow up in a country ruled by a king?  Kaiser, whatever.

             “And what additional powers will the mayor have in Storybrooke?”

             “Besides the whole ‘automatic reelection’ thing?  None.  In fact, Victor, if I were to commit a crime after today, and Sheriff Swan – I assume it will be Sheriff Swan, anyway – were able to prove it, I would submit myself to incarceration, and the townspeople would be allowed to elect a temporarily replacement during the length of my sentence.”

             That appeared to mollify Victor slightly.  “So you’re going to continue leading the city government, but you won’t rule?”

             Regina nodded.  “And you’ll sign a statement to the effect that you accept these terms of your own free will and that you’ll abide by them?”

             She held out a pen, which he moved his right hand toward slightly before suddenly pulling it away again.  “Wait a moment, Regina.  This – let’s call it a loyalty oath, since that’s basically what it is.  Why should I?  What gives you the right to make restrictions on whether or not I return?”

             “Two reasons.  One, and you can ask her this if you ever see her again, Snow White stated in very clear and unambiguous terms before she left that I could remain in Storybrooke and rule my own little kingdom of one for the rest of my life.  I think I’m being quite fair, considering I’m voluntarily lowering my rank from Royal Majesty to Madame Mayor.” 

              Snow had made certain other things clear too that day.

              It will be a cold day in Hell the next time you see Henry again.

              Consider yourself banished, Regina.  Try as often as you like, cast whatever spell you like, you’ll never be able to enter this portal.

              I wonder how long you’ll be able to take being alone here, going mad, before you start scratching and clawing at that barrier, trying to get just an inch across the township line.

              And…

             You know that little black spot you showed in my heart?  Well, you should have killed me when you had the chance, because that little black spot is what’s enabling me to do this to you, Regina.   

             “Clearly,” Regina continued, shaking the memory free like a horse shedding flies, “she was ceding all ownership and control over Storybrooke to me when she abandoned this town for the Forest.”

             “What’s the second reason?”

             “Do you have magic?”

             “Of course not, Regina.”

             “Then you can’t stop me from simply magically pushing you right back through that portal, can you?”

             Victor glared at her and muttered something under his breath.  “All right, all right, where do I sign?”

             She slid a sheet of paper over to him, and this time he took the pen.  “Feel free to read it thoroughly.  I want you to understand what you’re agreeing to.”

             That apparently took only a minute, and he signed Dr. Victor Frankenstein with a flourish.  “These new regulations are fairer than I’d expect, to be honest.  You've made it quite clear to me that Storybrooke belongs solely to you now, and yet you state here that all property ownership rights will revert to Storybrooke residents upon their return.”

             “I’m not a monster, Victor.  No pun intended.”

             He barked out a short laugh.

             “If you don’t mind me asking, Victor, why did you come back?  I suspected it would be you who returned first, but I’d like to hear your reasoning.”

             “The Enchanted Forest isn’t my home.”

             “Neither is Storybrooke.”

             “Technically, no.  But the Atlantic Ocean laps at Storybrooke’s shore, and on the other side of that ocean lies my homeland.  Perhaps not MY version of it, but a version just the same.”  He smiled.  “Earth comes a lot closer than the Forest does.”

             Regina nodded.  She hadn’t considered that.  “Plus,” she replied, giving her own suspicions voice, “it’s hard doing scientific experiments without electricity.”

             “There is that,” Victor agreed.

             “Still, you did go there.  Why?”

             Victor shrugged.  “Mary and D – I’m sorry, Snow and Charming.  They’re such idealists.  They thought they could bring 21^th-century America back with them.  The Enchanted Forest may lack the infrastructure, they said, but we could bring back with us several centuries of knowledge, enlightenment, evolved thinking, that sort of thing.  As both Dr. Frankenstein and ‘Dr. Whale’, they thought my combined scientific and medical knowledge would be invaluable.  They were right, of course,” he added slyly.

             “Of course,” Regina agreed.  It was a fool’s errand, she’d known, but if they would have any hope of succeeding, people like the Doctor would be crucial.

             “But I don’t think they admitted to themselves just HOW lacking the infrastructure is.  The Forest was already stuck in the Middle Ages before the curse caused years of decay and neglect to set in.  Even with magic, the time and expense it will take them to even attain something like the 19^th-century Industrial Revolution will be massive.”  He sighed.  “The amount of time it would take ME would be massive.  I didn’t feel like chaining myself to the wheel so the Enchanted Forest could achieve a shadow of what modern life in Storybrooke was like, so I left.”

             “Was leaving difficult?  Where is the portal located on their end?”

             “Not really.  It’s in Charming’s dungeon, near where Gold, excuse me, Rumple used to be kept.  They gave me free reign of the palace, so it was an easy thing.”

             Regina smiled.  She’d known this would happen.  She’d known it.  Even ancient Rome wasn’t built in a day.  To replicate modern society in the Enchanted Forest would take them decades.  In less than half an hour, Regina had thought of twenty-five different areas where the Charmings would need to institute massive overhauls to bring the Forest’s backward society into the present.  Public education.  Modern medicine.  Democracy.  Transportation.  Communications.  The legal system.  The list went on and on.  And there’d be pushback too, people who would prefer the status quo over revolution.  The last thing people like King George would want were things like an educated peasant class with the right to vote.

             Best of all, they couldn’t close the portal.  The portal had involved mixing different kinds of magic, including fairy dust, three magic beans, and the stones from the old well itself.  They’d even found a means of siphoning power from the barrier itself, although it hadn’t weakened the spell along the city line a whit.  But they’d also needed the fabric remnants of Jefferson’s hat, and that meant the portal would have to obey the hat’s rules.  Two go in, two go out.  Snow White had arranged for the entire population of Storybrooke to travel through the portal.  Until an equal number of people came back through the portal, it would remain open.

             She wondered how long people would be satisfied with the old ways and the old life of the Forest, knowing there would always an escape clause.  Regina didn’t think it would be very long.  And for every person who came back, that would mean one more submitting to her leadership instead of Snow’s.

             Regina contemplated the growing frustration and anger Snow would feel as she watched the population dwindle, choosing the world the curse created over Happy Time Kingdom.  And she smiled.

             The day Snow was forced to return with her son in tow would be a cold day indeed.

Chapter Text

Day 4

             The Mad Hatter/Jefferson March (1:33 PM)

            Grace March/Paige Schumacher (2:45 PM)

             Jefferson was understandably suspicious, although Regina doubted he’d appreciate the irony.  Here he was, once again using a portal his hat had made, once again leaving his daughter behind.  But he wouldn’t be foolish enough to lead his daughter into unknown dangers.

             “In the Forest we had nothing before, and we have nothing now,” Jefferson was explaining.  “Here I’m a wealthy man, but few of my possessions would be of any value in the Enchanted Forest.  I mean, my flatscreen TV probably cost a few thousand dollars here, but it’s junk over there.  I can only give Grace the life she deserves here.”

             “I completely understand, Jefferson,” Regina said.  In the days leading up to the return to the Forest, the Storybrooke local economy had completely collapsed.  Paper money would of course be worthless once they returned, and it wasn’t as if the bank had a vault filled with gold and silver.  The barter system had made a huge comeback as people traded for anything that would still have value “over there”.

             Widespread looting also became a problem.  During public meetings, many residents had expressed confusion as to how all the stores kept their shelves stocked, when not a single truck had made a delivery to Storybrooke in over twenty-eight years.  Regina had to explain that because the Curse had stopped the passage of time, the magic had lent every day a repetitive, Groundhog Day-esque quality, where the shelves simply stocked themselves each night.  “It’s like the cobblers,” she’d explained, exasperated.  “Are the Taylors here today?  No?  Well, you do remember the legend of the cobblers who would wake up each morning and find tiny elves had made expensive shoes in the middle of the night?  Think of every retail establishment in Storybrooke having its own set of elves.”

             “But I don’t understand,” Sneezy the pharmacist had said.  “I distinctly remember calling orders in many times.”

             “That’s just it,” she’d replied quietly.  “You remember that because the Curse made you.  I think you’ll find that even with the Curse broken, a lot of your daily, mundane memories are rather hazy.”

             For reasons which escaped Regina, somebody had christened that the “Swiss cheese effect”, and eventually people had moved on to more pressing concerns.  It wasn’t until Storybrooke’s little “financial crisis” that it had dawned on people that stores could be looted one day, and the shelves would be filled again the next.  Stores that sold electronics were ignored, while the pharmacy and the supermarket were stripped clean every day.

             Even so, the unpleasant fact had remained.  For all intents and purposes, all of Storybrooke’s residents had become penniless the day they began making plans to return to the Enchanted Forest.  Savings, investments, all of it was worthless.  All they could count on was whatever they could carry through the portal, and whatever property and possessions they’d left behind when the Curse was cast.  The Charmings had eventually proposed a system where if someone could show documentation of how much their liquid assets were worth in Storybrooke, they’d receive a paper scrip which they could exchange in the Forest for a certain amount of gold.  Which royal coffers would supply the gold, they’d never been entirely clear.  That had led to a fiery dispute over exchange rates, and at that point Regina had simply lost interest.

             By staying, however, Jefferson was betting that many more would follow.  If that happened, his home, his bank accounts, all would have value once more.

             “Believe me, I understand,” Regina repeated.  “As his mother, I don’t care if Henry is a prince there.  Just for starters, he simply can’t get the kind of education over there which he can here.  And without public schools, your daughter won’t be able to get one at all.”

             “Snow White is already trying to start a school in the Forest that will be free to all children.”

             “Good for her.  Let’s see how many farmers will want their kids to walk for an hour on unpaved roads through dark woods just to get there.”

             Jefferson chuckled.  “You always did have a knack for laying out unpleasant truths in the most unpleasant way of speaking possible.”

             “I won’t sugarcoat things,” Regina said, bristling.  “Snow White and Prince Charming allowed themselves to be guided by sentimentality and nostalgia, not to mention a castle, and look where it got them.” 

             “They could still make it work.  They’re trying to retrieve the gold from Anton the Giant’s home to fund the improvements, although Frankenstein’s disappearance has them in a bit of a tizzy,” Jefferson replied.  “They’ve got plenty of magic at their disposal.  Rumplestiltskin has his own projects underway.”

             Regina sneered.  For a price.  Even as they spoke, Rumple was probably spinning gold twice as fast, taking advantage of the economic uncertainty.  “Then why don’t you stay there?  I’ll warn you, there are no other children here yet, although I believe that will change.”

             Jefferson looked a little uncomfortable.  “Neither are the Schumachers.”

             Ah.  “You mean Grace’s other parents.”

             “Even though they’re not actually related, the Schumachers still have years of memories of raising Paige.  And Grace still has years of memories of calling them Mommy and Daddy.”  He grimaced.  “I feel like a divorced parent sharing custody with my ex and her new husband, except I never had the privilege of sleeping with her.”

             Regina suddenly laughed out loud, and Jefferson looked surprised.  “Sorry, Jefferson, sorry.  That was funnier than it should have been.  I apologize for the outburst.  How does Grace feel about leaving her other mother and father behind?”

             “I told her they’d follow eventually.  I think they will, especially when they figure out where we’ve gone off too.  In the meantime, though, I’d like to pretend that Grace is still all mine.  And it may take them a while.  They’ve got twelve other daughters who ARE their biological children, after all.”

             Regina nodded.  The Schumachers had owned and operated the dance studio in Storybrooke previously, and the girls were known to be a real handful.  They might not even notice Grace was gone.

             She also empathized.  Getting Henry back was paramount.  Her house still felt like it belonged to strangers.  But if she could have Henry here without that infuriating Sheriff and her simpering parents, that would be positively delightful.  It could happen.  That boy had always been getting off to places she hadn’t wanted him to be.  See how they liked it!

             “Good luck then,” Regina said sincerely.  “It’s a good thing it’s only July, it will give some of our former teachers and students another two months to return.  In the alternative, however, I’ll see about backup arrangements for your daughter’s education.”

             That, more than anything else, seemed to convince him.  “I’ll be right back,” he said.  “Grace is with Red and her grandmother.”

             “I wasn’t aware you knew them.”

             “Well, I don’t, not really anyway.  But one of the finest taverns in the City has already reopened under the new name ‘Granny’s Diner’.”

             Of course it had.

             “And I overheard Granny and Red talking.”  He glanced down at Regina’s ledger and, flipping back a page, nodded at Victor’s signature.  “Apparently Frankenstein said goodbye to Red before he left.  I thought they’d be sympathetic to my situation, and they were.”

             Regina hadn’t even known Victor and Red Riding Hood were that close.  “Take your time fetching Grace.  Only . . . “ She hesitated for a moment.  “Has Grace spent any time with Henry there?”

             “Yeah, once or twice,” Jefferson confirmed.  “I’m sure she can tell you what he’s up to.”

             “It’s not a condition of your return, of course.  But it would be . . . highly appreciated.”

 Day 5

             Sidney Glass/The Magic Mirror (8:59 AM)

             That day’s entry had been notable for two reasons.  One, she hadn’t written it, and two, she’d been in her office at precisely 9:00.

             Regina was truly shocked for the first time in a week.  Even Snow White’s final betrayal, after everyone but them had crossed through the portal, hadn’t been entirely surprising.  But there was no way Sidney could have been in her office one minute ago without her seeing him. 

             That it was really him, that was in no doubt.  She recognized the handwriting, and he’d left a small hand mirror resting on top of the ledger, as an inside joke most likely.    

             She supposed he could have come in the middle of the night, and then fudged the time in order to mess with her head.  But he still would have set off an alarm when he exited the portal, and no such alarm had gone off. 

             “Stumped yet?”

             Regina whipped her head to her left, startled.  Sidney’s voice had been no less than a foot from her ear, but there was no one there.  “I swear, Sidney,” she growled, “if you’ve somehow picked up the power of invisibility, you’d better not have been inside my house.”

             “It would certainly make my job easier, wouldn’t it?  But I find this is almost as good.”

             And then, before her eyes, Sidney’s hand emerged from the mirror.  It picked up the pen lying nearby, and wrote in neat letters, Impressed?

             In spite of herself, Regina found herself nodding.  “Yes,” she said.  “Although I’d be more impressed if you quit the Addams Family routine and actually knocked on my door like a normal person.”

             The hand silently withdrew into the mirror.  Regina tapped the glass surface experimentally and found only glass.

             When Sidney did in fact knock just one minute later, she was no longer surprised.  “You have the power to travel through mirrors, don’t you?” she asked instead of greeting Sidney, who stood at her threshold for the first time in months.  She felt almost glad to see him, which made her wonder what other powers he’d learned and was using on her mind.

             “Bingo,” he said.  “It’s not that surprising.  The nuns didn’t turn back into fairies, Mr. Gold’s skin didn’t change to match his name, and my body didn’t become a mere image in a looking glass.”

             “And . . . you never left Storybrooke,” Regina said.  She’d racked her brains for a memory of him leaving with the rest, and she’d realized she hadn’t even thought of him since he’d been locked away for Kathryn’s abduction, much less seen him.  “You were here all along.”

             Sidney sat down across from her.  “Correct.”

             “You were locked away.  Don’t tell me they just left you there.”

             “Again, Regina, power to travel through mirrors,” he reminded her.  “Admittedly, the size of the mirror I enter, as well as the one I exit, affects how much of my body can actually pass through.  I would need two full-length mirrors to move from one place to another comfortably.  But I was able to swipe a hand mirror during my incarceration, and that allowed me to bring all sorts of useful things to my cell.  Including, as it happened, the tools I used to escape.”

             “But it was never reported!”

             “I can’t say if it was or wasn’t.  But they certainly weren’t going to report it to you, Regina.  No offense.”

             Regina muttered something under her breath.  “Fine, so you escaped.  You still could have gone back with the others.”

             “And become a floating head in a mirror again?  No thank you.”

             It was quite possibly the least stupid thing he’d ever done.

             “How does it work?  There must be thousands of mirrored surfaces in this town.”

             He shrugged.  “No differently from before, really.  I find a mirror, I think about a specific location, and I know exactly what my options are.”

             Regina had never even thought to ask how he did it in the Forest.  “So you have to know precisely where you want to go before you can actually go there.”

             “Yes, that’s true.  Fortunately, nearly the entire population of Storybrooke seems to have vanished, so I’ve been going in and out of homes and businesses for days,” Sidney said smugly.  “I could probably tell you what’s happening in three-quarters of the town right now.”

             “Considering Storybrooke currently has a population of five, I’d say what’s happening is ‘not much’,” Regina replied.  Then she paused.  There was an odd glint in his eyes.  She pondered that for a moment before she realized that until a few minutes ago, she’d thought it had a population of four.  Maybe it wasn’t five either.  “Sidney, by any chance, during your travels have you encountered anyone else?”

             “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I have,” he said.  And then his jaunty smirk dropped.  “Although you may not like it.”

             As far as Regina knew, everyone she hated that much had passed her on their way through the portal.  “Who?”

             “Believe it or not, Princess Abigail and Sir Frederick are still here.  I spotted them in her home on Clarkdale Drive.”

             Sidney had been right.  She didn’t like it.  And it wasn’t because she’d hated either person.  Of all the people who bore her a grudge after the curse broke, Abigail had more reason than most to hate her.  Beyond the curse itself, Regina had betrayed “Kathryn Nolan” by pretending to be her friend, encouraging her to remain with the wrong man, having her abducted and imprisoned, and faking her death.  For days after the curse had broken, Regina had waited for the inevitable confrontation.  And yet it never happened.  In fact, Abigail and her knight had seemingly vanished from the public consciousness.  As King Midas was still alive, she didn’t have as loud a voice in town governance as someone like Charming, but she should have been consulted at the very least.

             Consulted by whom?  The man she’d “loved” for years?  Just because Abigail would have been reunited with Frederick after the curse broke, it didn’t mean she didn’t still have feelings for David.  Any time spent with Charming and Snow White would have been quite awkward.

             Regina wondered if that was why they stayed.  Why being practically alone in a ghost town with the woman who’d ruined her life twice was preferable to life with the Charmings in the Enchanted Forest.  Because there was another possibility . . .

             “Regina?”

             She blinked.  “Sorry, just . . . trying to figure if that changes things.”

             “Changes?  In what way?”

             “Well, for starters, if they stayed behind to get their revenge.”

             Sidney didn’t appear to like that idea.  Perhaps because he’d confessed to abducting Kathryn Nolan.  He’d been innocent, of course, but that didn’t mean Abigail or Frederick couldn’t still bear him ill will.

             Regina sighed.  “I think that, when you have the time, you should contact Her Highness and ask if they can’t meet me here.  It’s not a conversation I’ve been looking forward to, but Abigail is the highest-ranking resident of Storybrooke after myself, and she hasn’t signed the same agreement that Frankenstein and Jefferson have.  If she wants to make trouble, there’s nothing stopping her besides my magic.”

             “Which she has none of herself,” Sidney assured her.  “You’d be in no danger.”

             “Hm.  It’s hard to use magic to defend yourself from the dagger you never see coming, Sidney.  Set up the meeting.”

             Sidney nodded, but didn’t move.  Instead he glanced at the pen on her desk.  “What about me?  Don’t you think I should sign this agreement of yours too?”

             She smiled back at him.  “Come now, Sidney, can’t I count on your support like I always have?” she asked sweetly.

             “Hmph.  You know you can, there’s a wish that says you can.”

             “Would you have it any other way?”

             “No, Regina.  No, I suppose not.”

Chapter Text

Day 5

             Princess Abigail/Kathryn Nolan (12:00 PM)

            Sir Frederick/Jim Mallory (12:00 PM)

             Technically it was only Abigail who came to her office the next day, but for the purposes of recordkeeping, Regina entered both names.  She also may have been stalling for a second or two.

             She looked good, Regina thought.  Granted, the last time she had seen Abigail, she looked very much not good.  But more than that, she looked happy.  Although she wasn’t smiling now.

             Even though she was the one who called the meeting, Regina was still unsure of how to proceed.  The truth of the matter was that she felt guilt over what she’d done to Abigail in a way she certainly never would about Snow White.  Regina and Abigail had never even crossed paths in the Forest.  She had never been an active participant in Regina’s conflict with Snow, although unsurprisingly she’d been allies with Charming.  And in Storybrooke, Kathryn had liked Regina in a way that no one else seemed to. 

             And Regina had made her suffer in ways that some people she despised had not.  It was no fairer than what her mother had done to Daniel.

             “Abigail,” she finally said, when it seemed that the princess was content to wait her out.  “Thank you for coming in.”

             “Regina,” Abigail replied.  “It’s been a while.”

             “Yes,” Regina said awkwardly.  “Er, you’re looking very good.”

             “Why, thank you.  I’ve had a lot of time to recuperate from being abducted and held prisoner.”

             Regina winced.  Abigail wasn’t even raising her voice, and she still felt on the defensive.  “I . . . I hope you don’t blame Sidney for that.  He wasn’t involved in what happened.”

             “I thought as much,” Abigail said.  “And obviously you couldn’t have done it yourself, so I imagine Gold was involved?”

             “Yes, he was.  He was the one keeping you . . . “  Regina found that she couldn’t say it out loud.

             “Against my will?”

             Regina nodded mutely.

             “But then,” Abigail added, “I guess we were all being held here against our will, weren’t we?”

             Shit, Abigail had had a long time to decide what she would say to Regina, hadn’t she?  Because it was working.

             Perhaps a subject change was in order.  “Why didn’t you leave with the others, Abigail?  Why stay behind in an empty town when you could have gone home?”

             Abigail sighed.  “Frederick and I wanted time to ourselves.  I think we probably would have used the portal eventually, we’d heard that it would remain open, but for now we look at this as our honeymoon.  Granted, it’s a very strange location for a honeymoon, but Storybrooke was always rather picturesque.”

             “Time to yourselves?  Is that why I never saw you after the curse broke?  King George never seemed to tire of scheming to take control from Charming, but you remained secluded.”

             “Basically, yes.  Plus it was very difficult for both David – Prince Charming and myself to be in the same room.  There was a lot of emotional baggage that hadn’t existed in the Enchanted Forest.  Since, you know, we were cursed with a fake marriage and years’ worth of false memories,” Abigail said casually.

             Regina couldn’t take it.  She didn’t have much patience with passive-aggressive behavior, and the guilt was giving her an ulcer.  “Kath – Abigail, I am so sorry for what – “

             “Regina, stop,” Abigail said, then paused.  “I’m trying not to lose my temper.”

             That was one difference between them.  Regina rarely tried to do that.

             “You know how,” Abigail continued, “I just mentioned how uncomfortable it was for David and I to be around each other?  Do you know it’s almost as bad for me to be around you?  Regina, you made people believe I was dead.”

             “Yes,” Regina said quietly, “I did.”

             Abigail frowned.  “That wasn’t going to stay a lie for long, was it?  Obviously you couldn’t afford to have me reappear if I was supposed to be dead.  At some point, Gold would have killed me for real.”

             Regina found herself squirming a little in her chair.  “Eventually, I suppose, yes,” she admitted.

             “Why eventually?  Why not right away?  My body would probably have guaranteed Snow White’s murder conviction.”

             “Abigail – “

             “Stop calling me that.”

             Regina stared at her.  “Excuse me?”

             “Stop calling me Abigail.  Yes, it’s the name I want to continue using, but I was never Abigail to you, we’d never even met before the curse,” she said.  “Abigail doesn’t even give a shit about the curse any more.  To you I was Kathryn, that was the name of the woman you used to get back at Snow White.”  She sounded like she was getting closer to tears, and Ab – Kathryn rubbed her eyes.  “God, Regina, I cared about two people in this little town.  David was my husband, and you were my best friend.  And then what happens?  My husband turns out to belong to someone else, my love was a figment of a curse, a stranger was the man I should have been married to, and my friend was just using me as a pawn!”

             By now Kathryn was crying openly, and she wasn’t exactly keeping her voice down any longer either.

             “What do you want me to say?!” Regina burst out.  “I tried to apologize, which believe me, that is not something I’ve ever enjoyed doing!”

             “Why wasn’t I killed, Regina?” Kathryn asked again.  “Why was I spared?”

             “Because I didn’t want to!” Regina screamed at her, rising from her chair.  “Because – ”

             She stopped because she was completely losing control of herself.  Closing her eyes, Regina ran her hands back through her hair, and then sat down again.  “Because I didn’t want to believe that it had to be done.  I knew it had to be done, but I procrastinated.  There was no urgent need to take your life, and so I put it off.”

             Kathryn nodded.  “And why didn’t you want to?”

             Regina sighed.  “Because you were my best friend too.  Just because I wasn’t a true friend to you, doesn’t make that any less real.  You were my friend, but I wanted revenge on Snow White, and everything else was secondary.”

             “I see.”

             “Kathryn – “

             “I should be going,” Kathryn interjected.

             Regina blinked.  “What?  Oh, well, yes – “

             “I don’t think I can continue to be around you for now,” she continued, silencing Regina yet again.  “But . . . I think I can forgive you, in time.”

             “You – you what?”  Regina found she was gaping at Kathryn as she stood.

             “Well, Regina, I know you like to hold a grudge until the End of Days, but some people believe in forgiveness.  And at least you wanted to be friends on some level,” Kathryn said.  “When I told David that we’d be happier staying out of the way and keeping to ourselves, nobody really tried to argue with us.  I was always a bit isolated growing up, because of my father’s ‘condition’.  I had very few friends where I grew up, and obviously it was no better in Storybrooke.  All in all, Regina, the curve was set pretty low for you, and you just managed to scrape by.”

             Regina tried to process what she was hearing.  “So wait, you’re saying is . . . we’re still friends?”

             “No, right now we’re not.  But I think we will be again some day.”

             She was very surprised to discover that this meant a lot more to her than she would have guessed.

             Kathryn stood up.  “I’ll call you sometime.  And I’ll tell Frederick that you said hello . . . and that you groveled for our forgiveness.”

             Regina continued to stare at her for a long moment.  And then, as Kathryn crossed her threshold, she suddenly called out, “I most certainly did not grovel!”

             Her maybe-later-friend laughed and kept right on walking.

 Day 8

             Emma Swan (visitor)

             “What have you done with them?!”

             Regina shook her head and didn’t look up from her paperwork.  “I’d ask if you were raised in a barn, Ms. Swan, but that would have been an improvement, wouldn’t it?”

             A feminine hand slapped down firmly right in the middle of the papers she was editing.  “I mean it, Regina, where are they?”

             Regina finally deigned to look at the sheriff, who looked as frustrated as the mayor had ever seen her.  It was, as Regina had always thought, a good look for her.  Also were “bewilderment”, “shock”, and the very rare “defeated”.  “Where are who?”

             “Kathryn Nolan, that teacher she was living with, Whale, Jefferson and his daughter, a few others.”  She waved – Regina suppressed a laugh.  Was she waving a scroll in her hands?  “I’ve got a list of names here.  No one’s seen them in days.  The girl’s parents – well, the people who used to be her parents – are especially upset right now.”

             “I’m sure they are, although it isn’t my fault.  Jefferson is the one who wanted to be alone with Grace.”

             “If they’re here, then how is it not your fault?!”

             “They came on their own.  Really, Ms. Swan, didn’t your mother tell you I was banished?  How on earth could I have brought them here myself?”

             Emma removed her hand and crossed her arms.  “Then where do you have them stashed?”

             “Stashed?  I don’t have them in a safe somewhere, Ms. Swan.  They’re probably at their homes.”

             “Their homes,” Emma said disbelievingly.

             “Go see for yourself and talk to them, if you like, Ms. Swan.”  Although she was surprised Emma was looking for Victor.  Jefferson had stated that the Doctor had told Red Riding Hood he was leaving and why.  For whatever reason, Red had neglected to pass that information along to Snow White.

             “I will.  And it’s Sheriff Swan, Regina.”

             “No, Miss Swan, it’s not,” Regina retorted.  “You left here with the others, with the stated intention of never coming back.  That sounds like a resignation to me.”

             “Are you fucking serious, Regina?!”

             “Are you going to talk to the people who I apparently have squirreled away somewhere, or are we just going to argue about job titles?”

             Emma grabbed at the air between them with both hands in a strangling motion, and then growled and turned towards the door.  “I’m not even going to get started on why I’m in your office for some reason,” she muttered as she walked away.

             Regina waited until she couldn’t hear angry footsteps any longer, and then laughed out loud.  She wasn’t sure what had been more fun, the bantering or the fact that Ms. Swan appeared to be wearing breeches.

             Emma returned three hours later with two things – a changed attitude, and a large duffel bag.  “Okay,” she said calmly.  “You were telling the truth.”

             “Which should have been apparent even before I opened my mouth, Ms. Swan.  I mean, seriously, how did your mother think I was able to kidnap them?  And why did she think I would choose them specifically?”

             “To mess with her head, basically.”

             “Oh, please, if I wanted to do that, I would have taken Miss Lucas or Dr. Hopper or another member of her inner circle,” Regina pointed out.  “I take it the people you spoke to aren’t going back with you?”

             “No, they’re not,” Emma said heavily.  “Sorry I bothered you.”

             “Ms. Swan,” Regina said before she could leave.  “While you’re here, a few things.”

             “He’s doing good,” Emma replied.

             Regina froze.  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know she was going to ask about Henry, but still, any news at all of her son made her stomach do flips.  “Is – is he?”

             Emma nodded.  “Having a blast, actually.  He’s never been a prince before.  Everything’s still a novelty to him, and we’ve been there a week.”

             “And I assume someone is always keeping an eye on him.  He’s very slippery, and I don’t want him being so excited by something that he hurts himself.”

             “Are you kidding?  He has his own bodyguards.”

             Regina smiled.  Of course he did.  She would have an entire contingent following him if she was at her cast . . . her smile shriveled and died.  Of course, she’d never be back there, she’d never be there with him, there was just so much she was going to miss.

             Emma scratched the back of her head.  “Look, Regina, um, I’m sorry about what happened.  Mary – fuck, I mean Snow, I keep calling her that – she didn’t tell me until after she showed up without you.  If I’d known, I would have let Henry say goodbye to you for more than two seconds before we left.”

             “Yes, well,” Regina said uncomfortably.  She believed her, which was the problem.  She wanted to believe that they’d all been planning it, but Emma had never been a good liar.  Probably because she was made of true love, or whatever crap Rumple had spouted.

             Certainly Henry hadn’t known.  He’d been all too excited to travel through a mystical portal to a land – intentionally this time – and he’d waved to her like he’d be seeing her again soon.

             She looked away, because even if she’d been partly expecting what happened, the sheer pain of being separated from her son by more than a few miles had been great, and it was hitting her all over again.  “And,” she said, searching for a way to change the subject, “has the novelty not worn off for you either?”

             “Uh, yeah, I mean no, it hasn’t,” Emma said unconvincingly. 

             Regina looked again at that duffel bag.  “What are you taking back with you?”

             “None of it’s yours.”

             “I should hope not.  I’m just curious.”

             Emma grunted and put the bag on the desk.  She unzipped the top and let her look inside.  Regina craned her head to look and felt her mood improve a bit.  There appeared to be a great deal of junk food, at least five cans of ground coffee, dozens of cocoa packets, several paperbacks, and a week’s change of clothing, including three pairs of blue jeans.  “Duty-free shopping, Ms. Swan?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

             The former sheriff looked torn briefly.  “Fuck it, it’s not like she’ll ever hear it from you,” she mumbled.

             “I beg your pardon?”

             “I’ve got to tell someone.  There’s a lot about living in an Enchanted Forest that’s taking getting used to.  Everything in my closet is either a dress or, or whatever these things are called,” she said, pulling at her breeches.  “And it’s really hard keeping your clothes clean there.  Every building is dusty and starting to fall apart, and there’s mud everywhere when it rains.  And it’s only milk or tea in the mornings, you know.”

             Regina knew.  The best part of her fifth day in Storybrooke had been discovering coffee.

             “And it’s so boring!  God save me, I’ve already seen two minstrel shows, and if I see another this month I’m going to smack someone with a wooden sword.  David loves horseback riding,” Emma said, not even noticing she’d used his Storybrooke name while she had a full head of steam, “so I’ve been riding with him, which is why I brought the cream.”

             She’d missed the tubes of cream and lotion until now.

             “Plus, um, wait one second,” she said before quickly going back out of the office.  She came back with another bag, this time an even larger duffel bag.  It wasn’t even closed, probably because it was jammed with toilet paper.

             “Oh, dear,” Regina murmured.

             “We’re already running out of the toilet paper we brought with us,” Emma said.  “I swear to God, wars are going to be fought over the last few packages of Charmin.  And that’s just in the castle, I can’t imagine what it’s like for the people who don’t have running water.”

             “They’ll do what they’ve always done, Ms. Swan, and what their fathers and grandfathers did when they lived and died there.”

             “What’s that?”

             “Do you really want to know?”

             Emma grimaced.  “No, not really.”

             Regina smiled and said nothing.

             “Anyway, like I said, it’ll take some . . . getting used to.”

             Judging by the way she was talking, Regina doubted Emma would ever get used to it.  But she’d made that choice, just like the Charmings had.  Just like she’d taken Henry . . .

             No, she hadn’t taken Henry, her mother had done that.  Unless she’d been lying, and Regina still didn’t think she had been. 

             Emma was staring at the two bags.  “Maybe I should come back in a week or so.  Just to check on the people living here, and also to see if anyone else has shown up.  You never know, someone goes missing, you think they came here, and it turns out they were eaten by a bear.”

             “Hm, yes, that’s thoughtful of you,” Regina said dryly.

             The sheriff looked sheepish.  “And I could fill you in on what Henry’s been up to.  Let you know he’s okay.”

             Regina swallowed.  “Very thoughtful,” she added, without a trace of humor.

             “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Emma said with a smile before she took her luggage and departed on Fairy Dust Airlines.

             Regina just thought of Emma’s casual remark.  Wars are going to be fought over the last few packages of Charmin.  Obviously that wouldn’t happen, but she’d predicted rising tensions in the Forest, she was practically counting on them.  It hadn’t occurred to her that Henry was there without her, and she couldn’t protect him, and . . .

             Just in case, she'd begin stockpiling toilet paper by the portal entrance.

Chapter Text

Day 11

            Grumpy (dwarf)/Leroy Madden (4:08 PM EST)

            Nova (fairy)/Sister Astrid (4:08 PM EST)

            Grumpy, surprise surprise, didn’t look happy to be there.  He didn’t seem happy about Regina being mayor again, and he definitely didn’t seem happy about signing anything.  He’d just folded his arms and glared at her.

            “Would it really be so bad?” Regina asked him.

            “Considering I just left a place led by a woman who’s a thousand times the person you are?  Uh, yeah?!”

            “Grumpy – “ Nova said anxiously.

            “No, Nova.  We came away to get away from people giving us orders!”

            “Technically I’m not even ordering you to vote for me, Grumpy,” Regina pointed out.  “You can vote for whomever you like, it just won’t count.”

            He sneered at her.  “Oh, so you’re only rendering me powerless, that’s a lot better.”

            He seemed even touchier than usual, and he didn't LOOK hungover.  Regina thought again about what he’d said about “people giving them orders”.  Obviously he didn’t mean Snow, so that probably meant . . . “You mean like how the Blue Fairy was rendering you powerless, Grumpy?”

            Both the fairy and the dwarf – well, former fairy and dwarf, they were just “petite” and “squat” in Storybrooke – looked startled by this.  “How the hell would you know that?” Grumpy demanded.

            “It’s not rocket science, Grumpy, you just said that someone was giving you orders in the Enchanted Forest.  Who else do you answer to besides Blue?”

            “Mother Sup – I mean the Blue Fairy,” Nova said quickly, “she’s, well, she means well.”

            Grumpy snorted.  “Yeah, well, she does shit.”

            “Grumpy!”

            Regina noticed Nova seemed to say his name that way a lot.  She also noticed the way Nova took his hand.  “I’m no expert on dwarves or fairies,” she said, “but it’s my understanding that dwarves and fairies aren’t really supposed to commingle.”

            Nova and Grumpy looked at each other, then their joined hands.  They quickly let go.

            “Oh please,” Regina said, “it was obvious after Miners’ Day that you liked each other.  Did you feel that way before too?”

            Grumpy harrumphed and gave a short nod.

            Regina smiled sweetly.  “Let me guess, the Blue Fairy didn’t like that.”

            “The Blue Fairy is – “ Nova began.

            “A fascist dictator,” Grumpy muttered.

            “Pure goodness!”

            “She doesn’t lie like pure goodness!”

            “Excuse me,” Regina said, holding up a hand.  “Much as I hate to get between your lovers’ spat, I assume that Blue still didn’t like you being together when you returned.”

            Nova sighed, and then nodded.  “I told her that we wanted to remain together when we returned to the Forest.”

            “She can’t tell me what to do in Storybrooke!” Grumpy said heatedly.  “I don’t see why she should be able to do it in the Forest!”

            Technically that described a number of people besides Blue.

            “And she said she’d take it into consideration when we got back!”

            “Yeah, and then a week later she’s like, ‘Mm, sorry, still not a good idea, back to work, you two’.”  He looked at Regina, his anger towards her forgotten as he was swept up by his rage towards the Blue Fairy.  “I’ve been an American citizen for - almost thirty years beyond the city lines anyway, and here in America, your whole life isn’t determined for you at birth!  For fuck’s sake, Regina, they’re even letting gay people get married in Maine now.  Who’s she to tell me dwarves and fairies don’t belong together?”

            “I’ve found,” Regina said slowly, “that the Blue Fairy believes very strongly in the world in black and white terms.  Everything is clearly delineated.  Good equals right, and evil equals wrong.  If she doesn’t think that dwarves and fairies should be together, then that’s that.  And she doesn’t lie.  She just . . . leaves things out.”

            “Yeah, like leaving out that the magic wardrobe could fit two people and not one!” Grumpy snarled.

            “Grumpy!” Nova said yet again.  She turned to Regina.  “Yes, okay, that wasn’t maybe her most shining moment,” she allowed.  “But this isn’t about what kind of fairy Blue is.  This is about – well, we couldn’t bear to leave each other a second time.  And if we stayed behind, Blue would find a way to make that happen.  She did it once, she’ll do it again.”

            Regina was struck by a very unpleasant thought.  When you looked at it a certain way, the Blue Fairy’s conduct almost resembled . . . it resembled something Cora would have done.  If Blue didn’t approve of your relationship, then there would be no relationship, end of story.  The only difference was that Cora would have snapped her fingers, made the vorpal blade go snicker-snack, and off with the dwarf’s head!  That didn’t make the Blue Fairy’s behavior any less cruel.

            Crap, were those tendrils of empathy coiling around her blackened heart?

            “Do stop arguing in my office.  You’re both right,” she said quietly.

            They both gaped at her, which a few minutes ago Regina would have found mildly amusing. 

            “The Blue Fairy would have made it happen,” she continued.  “As leader of the fairies, Blue commands vast reserves of magic at her disposal.  And I’m not sure if either of you have ever considered just how much secular power she possesses.  She’s no queen, but no king would ever dare get on her bad side.  Otherwise she’d be sending a hundred fairies to grant wishes to all his enemies. 

            “And you are correct, Grumpy.  This is America.  Running anywhere but here wouldn’t have helped you two.  She would have found you.”  Her insides curdled briefly as she again drew the unwelcome comparison of the Blue Fairy to Cora.  Running from her mother had proved just as effective as running from Blue normally would have been.  Regina’s only choice had been to put an entire world between herself and Cora.  Funnily enough, the dwarf and the fairy had just done the same.  “And she’ll find you here too, if she comes, but here she has no right to make you do anything.”

            “The way I see it, she didn’t have the right back there either,” Grumpy pointed out.

             “Maybe not, but you didn’t have the power to do anything about it.  If you both sign that contract, though, then you’re officially citizens of Storybrooke again.  You’ll be citizens of America again, and you’ll have the power of law enforcement, the courts, and the U.S. Constitution behind you.”

             Grumpy looked at her appraisingly.  “Wow,” he finally said.  “The last time you sounded that ‘mayoral’, you were on my television set in a political ad.”

             Regina handed him the pen.  “Just remember that even if the liquor shelves magically restock themselves each night, that doesn’t give you the right to take as much alcohol as you want for free.”

             “Oh, don’t worry, Madame Mayor,” Nova said sweetly as she waited for her turn to sign.  “Grumpy doesn’t need alcohol anymore.”

            “I find that a trifle hard to believe.”

            “Well, you see, technically none of the fairies are real nuns.  So we don’t have to observe a vow of chastity any longer.”

            Regina hadn’t needed to hear that.  Nor see the matching evil smiles on their faces.

Day 14

            Jiminy Cricket/Dr. Archibald Hopper (12:02 PM)

            It’s not like there’s been the opening of a floodgate, but a steady trickle of one’s and two’s have emigrated back to Storybrooke in the two weeks since the portal was opened.  Regina was surprised by the number, even if it was only a few dozen (not counting those like Kathryn who had remained behind from the start).  But people clearly weren’t making much of an effort to resume their old lives in the Forest.  If they were giving up and coming back to Maine within a couple weeks, it suggested that not a lot of thought had gone into their original decision beyond “going home”.

            “That, or they weren’t that enthusiastic about leaving in the first place,” Dr. Hopper suggested when she asked for his opinion on the matter. 

            “Of course, that begs the question of why they left anyway,” she said. 

            “Perhaps they all thought they were the only ones who felt that way,” he replied.  “Peer pressure is a phrase that wasn’t coined until the 20th century, but the phenomenon is as old as time.”

            She nodded.  “And what about you, Doctor?  I can guess at why you went back – not much point being a therapist if all of your patients have travelled to another world without you – but that makes your return even more puzzling.”

            He shifted uncomfortably.  “Well, it’s partly professional.  Yes, many of my old clients are still in the Forest, but the Marches and the Schumachers are here.”

            As Jefferson had predicted, Grace’s other family had followed them here as soon as they learned what happened.  But “the Curse made us believe she was our daughter” didn’t exactly establish a right of custody.  It was up to Jefferson where Grace lived, and when he proved inflexible, the Schumachers had remained here.  Although Herbert had expressed dissatisfaction of his own with the Enchanted Forest.  “My wife and I wanted to continue teaching children how to dance,” he’d said.  “But in the Forest we’re a duke and duchess, and nobles aren’t supposed to lower yourself to take up a trade like a commoner.  Frankly I was getting tired of the stink-eye from the other aristocrats, and the life they expected us to live feels unfulfilling now.”

            Regina had been interested to hear that, but not surprised.  The royals and the nobility were bound to have the easiest time shedding their plebeian, middle-class lives.  She could guarantee that King George had begun causing trouble twenty-four hours after he arrived at his castle.  Although she hadn’t expected just how enthusiastically they’d embraced the old ways.  If they were already looking down on other nobles for working, that certainly indicated that egalitarianism had died a quick death in the Forest.

            “So what, you’re their personal therapist now?” she asked.

            “Don’t get me wrong, Regina, I also missed having my human body back,” Archie said.  “I found it frustrating that so many people simply stopped taking me seriously because I was an insect again.  And of course there’s Pongo.”

            “What about Pongo?” Come to think of it, why hadn’t the Dalmatian come through the portal with him?

            He sighed.  “Regina, did you really think I had a pet dog before the Curse?  A dog one hundred times my size?”

            Obviously she’d never given that dog a moment’s thought, but now – “You’re saying the Curse created your dog?”

            "Either that, or the Curse somehow swept up a wild canine living in what was once uninhabited Maine forest.  Thankfully, he didn’t simply vanish, or something similar, when we arrived in the Forest.  But the Lucases had to adopt him after the first day, because an insect cannot care for a dog, no matter how intelligent that insect is.  I’d like to be able to bring him back here.”

            “Yes, I suppose a dog would be ‘comfortable’ with Ruby Lucas,” Regina murmured.

            “Regardless, Regina, if you think about it, you’ll understand that the Marches and the Schumachers need intensive therapy.  You’ve got Jefferson, who will freely admit that he suffered from an untreated mental illness both before and during the Curse.  You’ve got Herbert and Henrietta, who spent three decades believing that their youngest daughter was named Paige, only to discover that not only was she not named Paige, but also she wasn’t even their daughter.  You’ve got the other Schumacher children, who lost their baby sister.  And you have Grace, who has two very distinct, mutually exclusive sets of memories telling her who her parents are, and she feels like she’s betraying someone no matter . . . “ He paused.  “And I shouldn’t be telling you any of this confidential information,” he said lamely.

            “I won’t repeat any of it,” Regina told him.  “Besides, as you said, if you think about it, it’s not a surprise.”

            Hopper nodded.  “All of that being said,” he told her, “I would prefer to make regular visits back to the Enchanted Forest.  Your new town charter doesn’t mention anything about that being permitted or not, but as long as the portal remains open, I don’t see why I can’t – “

            “Commute?” she asked wryly.

            He chuckled.  “Yes, um, commute back for a few special patients.”

            “Well, I don’t want to create a situation where people start thinking they can live in both worlds, Doctor,” Regina said.  “This isn’t like the US-Mexican border where people can cross back and forth every day to work in one country and live in the other.  Storybrooke and the Forest are too fundamentally different.  However, I’m inclined to grant exceptions to medical professionals such as yourself.”

            “Thank you, Regina.”

            “If,” she added, “you’re willing to acknowledge that my son is one of your ‘special patients’, Doctor.”

            He seemed to ponder that briefly.  “I don’t think it would be a violation if I shared that with you, Regina.  Legally you’re still his mother here in Storybrooke, and he’s only eleven.”

           How big of you, she thought sardonically.

            “But yes, he is one of my patients.  Obviously his family doesn’t think less of me because of my – insectile appearance.”  Hopper paused for a moment.  “Right now our main topic of conversation is you.”

            “Me?” she asked, startled.

            “He didn’t find out you’d been banished until after Snow White showed up without you,” he said.  “He didn’t take that well.  In fact, he’s still a little angry with Snow that she didn’t even give him the chance to say a real goodbye, although he hides it from her well.”

            Regina felt a warmth spreading through her chest, and it had nothing to do with the thought of Henry being mad at Snow White.  (Well, almost nothing.)

            “Is anything else bothering him, Dr. Hopper?”

            “Not bothering him, per se, but he’s still adjusting to everything.  Before he felt like he was being pulled between you and Emma,” Archie explained, “but now you’re the one person who isn’t making demands on his time.  Even Rumplestiltskin appears to want to spend time with – “

            “That will not be happening.”

            Archie didn’t even seem fazed by the heated words that spilled unbidden from her lips, a visceral reaction to the thought of that golden hobgoblin having more of a familial relationship with her son than she did.  “I understand how you feel, Regina, but unfortunately as it stands, you have no say in the matter.”

            “And what about the people who do?!” Regina burst out.  “The Charmings are naïve and foolish and willing to believe the best in people who clearly do not deserve it, but even they wouldn’t leave Henry alone with someone like him.  Certainly Miss Swan is sensible enough not to let that happen either.”

            “I can’t share any personal knowledge I have of that,” he said mildly. “As an observer, I can tell you that there is some . . . disagreement about that, but Henry’s father is supportive of Rumple’s case.”

            Regina felt nauseated.  Of course, how could she have forgotten Rumple’s misbegotten boy Neal?  Both men had a connection to Henry which was completely unacceptable!  What had she just said, Miss Swan is sensible enough?  Ha!  She’d just let her silly feelings for that delinquent oaf twist her around his fingers!  And here she was, trapped, unable to protect her son –

            “I have to get back there,” she said, suddenly overwhelmed by panic.  “I can’t leave my son alone with these people.  Henry needs me, he needs his mother, he – “

            “Regina, he has a mother.  Granted, he has two, but he has one with him now.”

            She glared at him with such intensity that he took a step back.  “Doctor, feel free to do whatever you like at this time, because this ‘session’ is over.”

             It was for times like these that she kept a full bottle of cider near.  (Although she might have unnecessarily scared the peasant family that arrived at three.)

             To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

Day 15

             Emma Swan (idiot) (visitor)          

             “Look, I’m no happier about it than you are,” Emma said.

             “I highly doubt that,” Regina retorted.  “You can at least keep an eye on him when he’s around that malevolent kobold and his half-wit hoodlum son!  I just sit here and imagine what they could be doing to Henry!”

             “Okay, first of all,” Emma shot back, “Neal’s not a hoodlum.  Not any more, anyway.”

             Regina wondered if Emma had purposely not defended Neal’s intellect as well.

             “And second, it’s not just me keeping an eye on him.  Henry is never alone with his grandfather.  If I’m not there, Snow or James are.  I’ve even had a private one-on-one with Belle, Regina.  Granted, she has a little more faith in Rumple’s good intentions than the rest of us do, but she assured me that she’d put herself in harm’s way before letting anything happen to Henry.  And you know Rumple won’t do anything if it jeopardizes their relationship.”

             “I don’t know that.  I don’t know any such thing, considering his piss-poor track record with his family,” Regina said coldly.

             Emma groaned.  “Okay, Regina, then how about this?  If Rumplestiltskin really wants to spend time with Henry, how exactly do I stop him?”

             “You have magic, don’t you?!”

             She made a face like she’d just bitten into a rotten apple.  “Don’t remind me,” Emma muttered.

             “While I appreciate your lack of fondness for magic, considering it may have been the bane of your existence – “

             “Aren’t you the bane of my existence?”

             “No, dear.  You’re the bane of mine.  The bane of your existence is not having easy access to a good shopping mall.  Anyway, I understand that you’re not altogether enamored of magic.  And I’m not one to talk, considering my own history with abuse of magic.  But you’re practically made of magic, Miss Swan.  The magic that runs in your veins – well, let’s just say that if it was alcohol, you’d be well over the legal limit.  Trying to ignore it isn’t going to work, and it will do Henry a disservice,” Regina warned her.

             “Henry is part of the reason I’m not using magic, Regina,” Emma retorted.  “Didn’t you go cold turkey because he specifically asked you not to?”

             “Black magic, Miss Swan.  He asked me to stop using black magic.  It’s the polar opposite of your white magic.  Black magic corrupts, but I’m told white magic purifies.  Granted, if taken too far, it purifies you the way a can of Drano might, but still – “

             “Doesn’t magic always have a price?” Emma pointed out.  “I’ve heard that expression about eighty times or so.”

             “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Miss Swan, it’s not as if you’ll cause a tidal wave in the Philipines every time you light a candle.”

             “Okay, I’m going to have to ask you to start calling me ‘Emma’ today,” she said.  “The whole ‘Miss Swan’ thing is getting tiresome.  You’re not the school principal, and I’m not the high school senior you caught smoking in the girls’ room.”

             On the contrary, before the Curse broke, their relationship had felt exactly that way to Regina.  Emma had been like some scruffy, incorrigible delinquent who went about breaking rules and upsetting the perfect order Regina had created.  Still, she supposed treating Henry’s other mother like a child was counterproductive at this juncture.

             “Fine, Emma.  They say all magic comes with a price, yes, but by ‘price’, they primarily mean energy.  Spellcasting tires you out, and the bigger the spells, the faster you stop being able to cast them,” Regina explained.  “Since you only use white magic, that’s all you have to worry about.”

             “Because black magic corrupts, you said.”

             “Yes, because black magic also comes with fewer restrictions.  There are things you can do with white magic that I can’t do with black.  But there’s a lot more I can do with black magic that you can’t do with white.  That’s the trade-off, Emma.  Black magicians don’t have to play by a lot of the rules white magicians do, but this usually creates a perception that none of the other rules apply to them either.  Rules like ‘don’t take that, it doesn’t belong to you’, or ‘don’t hurt him, it’s against the law’.”

             Emma didn’t respond at first.  “So before,” she finally said.  “Before you started using black magic . . . “

             “Let’s not get into that, Emma,” Regina interrupted wearily.  “I’m sure Snow has told you a lot.  I was a different person when I was young.  Then again, so was everyone else, including you.”

             “Fine,” Emma said, but she continued to look at Regina like she was someone else.  It irritated her.

             “As fascinating as this magic lesson must no doubt seem,” Regina snapped, “the fact remains that you have this great power at your disposal, and as long as you refuse to tap into it, you’re leaving our son completely vulnerable to the Dark One.  Which is why I really must insist you get over it and do it.”

             “And who the hell is going to teach me?  You?”

             Regina laughed.  “I’d be a poor choice.  I’ve never used white magic.  I don’t know the spells.  I’d probably just help get yourself killed.  Hey, maybe I should teach you after all.”

             Emma snorted.  “Yeah, yeah, then Snow would be Henry’s primary guardian.”

             “Ask the Blue Fairy,” Regina said a little too quickly.  “She won’t have the time to teach you, but she’ll be able to put you in touch with white magicians who will.”

             “All right, fine, I’ll . . . think about it.”

             God forbid Emma Swan ever admit to taking Regina’s advice in front of her.

             “And keep me updated,” Regina added.

             “Should I pick up all the trash underneath the bleachers too?”

             “Don’t make me start calling you ‘Miss Swan’ again.”

 Day 18

             Rumplestiltskin (unwelcome visitor whose stay was extremely brief)

             “Now, Regina,” Rumplestiltskin said, reading what she wrote in the logbook, “is that any way to greet an old friend?”

             “No, it isn’t,” Regina agreed.  “Care to make any deductions based on that?”

             He shrugged. 

             “You’re looking very – golden again.”

             “Yes, well, the Enchanted Forest does that to people.  I’m sure you already knew that.  Hasn’t the good counselor told you about how he changes back into a cockroach when he returns there?”

             “I’m fairly certain the word ‘cockroach’ never crossed his lips, but now that you mention it, yes.  But he also changed back again when he arrived here,” Regina noted.

             “It’s within my power to look any way I choose,” he pointed out.  “I don’t see the purpose of altering my skin color every time I cross between worlds.”

             “It’s not like you’ll be doing it all that often,” Regina said sweetly.

             Rumplestiltskin waggled a finger at her.  “Yesterday a little bird told me – “

             “In the figurative or literal sense?”

             “Figurative.  You know all the little birds in the Forest favor Snow White.  Anyway, I was told that some people had used the portal to return to Storybrooke, and they never came back out.  I had to see for myself.”

             “And now you’ve seen.  Happy?”

             “No, not particularly,” he said flatly.  “You’re cutting into my potential client base, Regina.”

             “I’m sorry,” she sneered.  “Are we running competing fast-food restaurants now or something?”

             Rumplestiltskin leaned against her desk, and she narrowed her eyes at the offending hip.  “For a small fee, I can offer the good people of the Enchanted Forest the comforts of home.  A coffee maker, perhaps, that needs neither electricity nor K-cups.  An iPod that plays every song every recorded and never needs to be recharged.  For something like that, some people will pay even more.  Business has been brisk.  But they’re not going to avail themselves of my humble services if they can just pack up and move back here.”

             “I fail to see why you’re bringing any of this to my attention,” Regina told him.  “I can’t stop people from doing anything on the other side of that portal.”

             “But you can stop them when they arrive,” he pointed out.  “All you have to do is tell new arrivals that they’re not welcome here, and that if they don’t turn right around and march back through, you’ll make them leave.”

             “And why would I do that?” she asked.  “It sounds like you’re the buyer for once, not the seller.  What’s in it for me?  I have everything here that your ‘client base’ wants.”

             “Except your boy, of course,” Rumplestiltskin replied.

             She rose from her chair.  “That had better not be a threat, Rumple.”

             “Regina, please!  This is my grandson we’re talking about.  I’m just reminding you that I have a certain level of . . . access to Henry that you don’t.  If I wanted to, say, bring him to you, it wouldn’t be hard at all.”

             Regina froze.  He was right.  It would be the easiest thing in the world.  Except for – “And what happens when the Charming Family follows after him?  Your son included, I imagine.”

             “How would they know?  As you said, you can’t make people in the Enchanted Forest do anything.”

             “They’d still suspect.  They’d tear this town apart on the off-chance he might be here.”

             “Regina.  Would it matter, if you got just one more day alone with your son?  One more day you’ll never otherwise have?” he said, with just the right amount of sympathy.

             Damn him, he was right.  Regina would give up one of her arms for one more day with Henry.  She’d been warned that casting the Curse would leave a void within her that could never be filled.  Well, THIS Curse had left a different kind of hole inside her.  Not only couldn’t it be filled, but it seemed to grow with every passing day. 

             “Why don’t I give you some time to think it over?” Rumplestiltskin suggested before she could reply.  “I’ll be back soon, your Majesty.  I’ve got a magic refrigerator to assemble.”

             True to his word, as he unfortunately so often was, he was gone almost before she knew it.

             Regrettably, his visit had been just a little less extremely brief than she would have liked.

 Day 19

             (no entry)

             Rumplestiltskin wasn’t back the next day.  If he had been, perhaps Regina would have made some decisions very differently.  But he probably hoped that a longer absence would make her more desperate to make a deal with him.

             Instead, however, Regina had another visitor, and this one commanded her full attention long after his departure. 

             “Hey babe, maybe you can help me out?”

             Regina’s eyes slowly traveled up to meet his, as her brain attempted to grasp the sheer enormity of what had just walked through the portal.  Then they kept traveling upwards, taking in the apparent fact that instead of hair, the man’s head was covered in blue flames.

             He looked at a small scroll in one hand.  “I just need you to tell me what part of Greece I’m in.  That, and maybe where I can find something called a ‘hind’s blood dagger’.  Then I can go kill Jerkules, and I’ll be out of your hair for good.  Well, until you die, anyway.  How’s that sound?”

             He smiled at her once he’d finished speaking.  It was one of the creepiest things she’d ever seen.

             Regina could handle wizards and dragons and perhaps even the Dark One.  What she couldn’t handle was a god.

             To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

“Finally,” Regina said impatiently when Dr. Hopper emerged from the portal. “What took so long?”

“I’ll let Emma . . . “ Archie paused when he realized Regina wasn’t the only other person in her office. “Er, what are they doing here?”

Regina’s response was delayed by the appearance of Emma. Her hair was a mess and – was that a piece of straw behind her ear? “Where were you, in a stable?”

“Yes, actually,” Emma said, before her eyes widened at the sight of Jefferson, Sidney, Kathryn and Frederick. “What are - hold that thought. Regina, you have to promise you’re not going to lose your shit.”

“I never ‘lose my shit’. What a crude thing to say. Why would you – Henry?!”

“Shit lost,” Emma muttered as her son was tackled by a speeding Mayor.

Regina ignored her. Her tears ran freely as she kept placing her hands on different parts of Henry’s body, convincing herself that yes, he was here, and no, he hadn’t lost any body parts while under the care of that idiot Snow. “Henry,” she repeated, unable to say anything else.

“Hey, Mom,” he said awkwardly, embarrassed by the attention. “I was with Emma when Jiminy showed up and, well – “

“And I figured he should probably come along,” Emma finished for him. “Especially since Archie here went and blurted everything out before he even saw Henry behind Whitey.”

“Whitey?” Kathryn asked.

“Emma’s unicorn,” Archie volunteered.

“Wait,” Jefferson said. “You have a unicorn now?!”

Emma’s cheeks turned pink. “Yeah, um, he just showed up a few days after we arrived. I don’t know why he likes me so much, it’s not like I’m a virgin or anything.”

“Please don’t talk about your sex life in front of our son, Ms. Swan,” Regina said through her tears.

“Oops.”

“And that old legend about hunters using virgins to lure unicorns into traps,” Regina added, straightening, “is just a lot of Judeo-Christian hooey. Unicorns aren’t attracted to virgins, they’re attracted to innocence.”

“I’m not that innocent either,” Emma reminded her.

“Oh, please,” Regina said disgustedly. “You’re the product of True Love. You’ve got white magic and goodness and sunshine flowing through your veins. If innocence was alcohol, you’d be well over the legal limit, Miss Swan. I’m surprised you don’t have unicorns trying to break down your bedroom door.”

Emma looked down, grumbling. “I did not come running here so you could compare me to Rainbow Brite, Regina.”

Regina grudgingly admitted she had a point. The Savior could have dallied, or not come at all. Instead she’d come . . . and she’d brought Henry with her. “Yes, well, it’s good that you did ‘come running’. I had a visitor today, and he wasn’t from Maine or the Enchanted Forest.”

That got everyone’s attention. “Wait,” Sidney said, “you’re not saying that you got someone from – from another place, like Wonderland?”

“I am saying precisely that,” Regina replied, taking out her smartphone and bringing an image up on the display. “Take a look at this.”

Emma and the others, except for Archie, crowded around her phone. Regina had already shown it to the doctor, so that he’d locate Emma with extra haste.

“You took a selfie?” Emma asked dubiously. “Dressed as the Evil Queen? And who’s the blue guy?”

“Hades?! You got to meet Hades?! That is so cool!” Henry piped up.

“Hades?” Kathryn repeated. “The Greek god of the underworld? Why on Earth would HE be . . . well, on Earth?”

“He was probably looking for a way to kill Hercules,” Henry said matter-of-factly.

“I believe you’re thinking of Hera, Henry,” Archie volunteered. “Hera was the Greek god who wanted to kill Hercules, not Hades.”

“No, Dr. Hopper, my son is correct. He was looking for a weapon to kill Hercules with,” Regina replied.

Archie looked flustered. “I’m sorry, I – I must be remembering the classics wrong.”

“No, you’re not,” Kathryn said. “I remember too, Hercules was Zeus’ bastard and Hera didn’t like being reminded of that. I wasn’t even aware that Hades had contact with Hercules.”

Regina sighed. “Look, you’re all right, okay? The problem, Kathryn, is that you and Dr. Hopper are relying on the original Greek myth, whereas Henry based his conjecture on the animated Disney film Hercules from the mid-1990s.”

“Okay, wait,” Emma said. “You’re telling us that you met a cartoon character.”

“Oh, he was flesh and blood all right, Miss Swan – “

“Emma.”

“Fine, sorry, Emma. And I’ve encountered this before.” Regina glanced at Archie. “Tell me, Doctor, have you ever read the original story on which the Disney movie Pinocchio was based?”

Dr. Hopper shook his head. “I can’t say that I have. Haven’t seen the movie either. I can’t say I was all that intrigued at some author’s or screenwriter’s re-invention of me.”

“Then you’d have no problem reading the book, Doctor, because you’re not in it.”

“I’m not?” he asked, surprised.

“No,” Regina said. “You’re just in the movie. Just as the Hades I encountered was the god from the movie. Sidney,” she remembered, having almost forgotten he was there. “What about your life? Would you say it had more in common with the Disney movie or the Arabian Nights?”

Everyone turned to look at Sidney, who looked embarrassed. “Well – “

"Since when was the Magic Mirror in Arabian Nights?” Emma asked.

“It’s not exactly common knowledge, Emma,” Sidney told her, “but in my former life, I was . . . the genie in the lamp.”

After a moment where no one spoke, Henry burst out with an “Awesome! Can you still do impressions?”

“I assure you,” he said stiffly, “the movie exaggerated my sense of humor. And to answer your question, Regina, yes, I would say the movie, distortions aside, was a more accurate description of my time in Agrabah. Much as the doctor here was in the movie and not the book, I had the misfortune of granting the wizard Jafar’s three wishes in exactly the same way as the movie depicted.”

“All right, time out,” Emma said. She turned to Regina. “You had an actual god in this room, a god who was looking for something that I’m guessing doesn’t actually exist, since Hercules wasn’t real in our world. What happened? How did you get rid of him?”

Regina smiled slightly. “Well, I’ll admit it wasn’t easy. But I had a little help . . . from the Internet.”  

______________________________________

Regina hadn’t known at first that the Evil Queen was a famous, or perhaps infamous, “fictional character”.  She’d had no idea until the 1983 re-release in theaters of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  Storybrooke had no movie theater, but it had televisions and newspapers.  It was a matter of time before Regina saw an advertisement.  When she did, the shock nearly made her pass out.

That was the first in a chain of three discoveries over several years, all of which had been hugely disturbing.  That the Evil Queen in the movie hated Snow White just because she was prettier, that was a minor irritant by comparison. 

One was the fairy tales.  Regina had quickly learned that the movie was based on something called a “fairy tale”.  A half-hour at the library made her forget about Walt Disney as she encountered the Brothers Grimm. Hans Christian Andersen, Lewis Carroll, and other authors who had written fictional stories which described events that had actually happened in the Enchanted Forest, Wonderland, Neverland, and more.  There were gross oversimplifications, major mistakes, and outright lies, but the core elements were still there.  Snow White bit into an enchanted apple.  Hansel and Gretel were captured by a witch living in a gingerbread house.  Rumplestiltskin could spin straw into gold. 

How the hell did these men know that, living in a world with no magic?!  Not to mention most of these stories were centuries old in this world, but they were recent memories for her.

Regina had eventually reached one conclusion that made even the least bit of sense to her.  There had to have been another “traveler” like Jefferson, one in possession of a magic hat or some other item that permitted the holder to travel through time as well as dimensions.  They had journeyed to various points in time in Earth history, either writing the tales under different assumed names, or giving “story ideas” to the authors he met.  Perhaps they pursued some kind of twisted immortality.  Perhaps they just wanted to put their own spin on events, making their personal heroes and villains to be better or worse than they already were.

Whatever the reason, whatever the means, he (or she) might still be out there.

That had been disturbing fact #1.

Then Regina had realized that if there could be a movie about Snow White, how many other fairy tales had been made into movies too?  THAT thought had quickly led to, among other things, the Walt Disney film library.  And she couldn’t watch them.  She couldn’t watch the re-releases in theaters because, again, Storybrooke had no theater.  And that fucking company waited until two years later to begin releasing them one by one on VHS.  For almost two years she’d waited, wondering how badly she’d been misrepresented on film.  Wondering how absolutely fucking wonderful Snow White was made out to be.  Wondering if the partly-true stories of her world would even be recognizable once they were dumbed down for children.  She had her first chance in 1985 when Pinocchiowas released.

Which led to disturbing fact #2.  Because it had in fact become more accurate.  

Regina had read every single fairy tale she recognized, but she re-read Carlo Collodi’s story to be sure.  Nowhere in his book was Jiminy Cricket ever mentioned.  And yet there he was in the movie, front and center.

How did the movie get right what the author got wrong?

This caused her to expand her theory to include the possibility that Walt Disney had in fact been the “traveler” in question.  If that were true, then great, Disney was dead.  But he could have given his time-traveling device to someone else before he died, like an heir.  An heir with Disney millions at their disposal.  If he found out about Storybrooke, Curse or no Curse . . . Regina knew about the theme parks.

And so she’d waited and wondered, acquiring each Disney movie as it appeared on store shelves, noting the little similarities, hoping that Disney really was the traveler and he’d taken his secret to his grave.

The Little Mermaid had shattered that vain hope with disturbing fact #3.  Ariel and Ursula were new to the story, but true to “her” Neverland.  And the movie came out after Disney’s death.  The traveler was still out there, having power over space and time to a degree she deeply envied.

Her paranoia got so bad that she’d nearly had August Booth killed within a week of his arrival.  A mysterious writer, entering her town like the Curse wasn’t even there?  She’d suspected, oh yes.  Lucky for him Regina was constantly being distracted by a certain Emma Swan.

At any rate, she’d gone on buying Disney movies on VHS, and then DVD.  It would always bear close watching.

That was how she instantly recognized the newest arrival to Storybrooke as the Greek god of the underworld, Hades, as depicted by the Hercules movie from the late 1990s.  An immortal being.  She could feel the power emanating from him in waves.  It was physically oppressive. It was deeply intimidating.  It was perhaps even a little frightening.

It was on very rare occasions that Regina found herself struck speechless, but it happened now.  She opened and closed her mouth helplessly, like a fish.

He waited for a few moments, and then grunted.  “Mortals,” he muttered.  “Fine, I’ll ask someone else.”  And he turned to leave her office.

That galvanized Regina.  She didn’t know why a Greek god was in her office, but she knew that letting said Greek god – one who tried to conquer Olympus in a movie - go out into a world without magic was a very bad idea.

“Hades, you can’t go running off when you’ve only just arrived,” she said, instinctively slipping into her Evil Queen persona.

The god turned back around. He looked almost insufferably smug. “So, I guess my name precedes me,” he said.

“Very few people haven’t heard of the god of the underworld,” Regina replied smoothly. “You’ll have to forgive my failure to introduce myself earlier, but I’ve never had an actual divinity in my office before.”

“Yeah, well, I guess you never forget your first time – meeting a god,” Hades agreed with a smirk that bordered on lecherous. Actually, no, it was practically an annexation of lecherous. “So what’re you? Some kinda bureaucrat? Official greeter?”

“Hardly,” Regina said, allowing herself to be enveloped in purple smoke. When she emerged, she was dressed in finery that equaled the very best of what she’d worn as Queen in the Enchanted Forest. “My name is Regina, and this is my domain.”

“A sorceress. All right, now we’re getting somewhere,” Hades said, rubbing his hands together. “You’ve got to know where the great whatsit is, this dagger.”

“What is it called again?” Regina asked, unsure as to why a god would come to this world, of all places, to find a magic weapon.

Hades fished out the scrap of paper he’d been reading from earlier. “It’s a ‘hind’s-blood dagger’,” he read slowly.

It didn’t ring any bells for her. “And you’re saying this dagger is powerful enough to kill a son of Zeus?”

“I’m not saying it. The guy who told me about it, he said it.”

“Who was that?”

“Dunno, I forget his name. I went to these three old ladies. Not much to look at – actually, less than nothing to look at – but they know their stuff, and they said I needed to go see a prophet for answers. So they hooked me up with this old dude,” Hades said. “Blind, and with boobs, if you can believe it.”

That sounded suspiciously like Tiresias, who had been transformed into a woman and wasn’t changed back for an entire year. “And he told you about the dagger.”

“Bingo. Said it would bring about a god’s destruction. Just the kinda thing I’m looking for.”

Regina blinked. “Any god?”

“Sure, why not, he wasn’t specific.”

“Including you.”

There was a second that seemed to drag on for much longer, and she realized he’d never considered that. “Well, sure, theoretically I suppose I could be killed with something like that. But seriously, what are the odds of that happening?”

She suppressed a sigh. The villain and his blissful ignorance of consequences. “I suppose you’re right. If you’ll just give me a moment, I can research this dagger for you, and tell you where it can be found.” She paused. She couldn’t believe she was about to say this to a god. “Would you care to have a seat while you wait?”

“Nah, I’ll stand,” Hades said. “Just between you and me, I’m not wearing a whole lot under this.”

Revolting.

Sitting down, Regina turned on her computer monitor and activated the Internet browser.

“What’s that?”

“You have libraries in Greece, correct? I know there’s a particularly fine one in Egypt.”

“Sure.”

“In my land we have a library one thousand times the size of the one in Alexandria,” Regina explained, “and this box is the window that enables me to read what is kept there.”

“Must be one helluva of a building,” he replied. “What’s it called?”

“The World Wide Web.”

“What, like spiders?”

Regina was saved from having to explain further by the search results coming up. “Huh,” she said blankly. “That’s . . . odd.”

Hades was already coming around the desk to look at what she was looking at. “What, don’t tell me they don’t have anything on it?”

“No, no, there’s an entry. It’s just . . . you have plays where you’re from?”

“Plays, libraries, we’ve even got rhetorical questions where I’m from, honey.”

She nodded. “Excuse me. Well, apparently there was a series of plays – a very LONG series of plays – about your nemesis Hercules.”

Hades muttered something that sounded like, “Of course there were.”

“And in one of the plays, Hercules encountered a creature called a Golden Hind, sacred to Artemis.”

“Sounds possible,” he said. “All the boys and girls upstairs, they’re all suckers for cute animals. Always sharing drawings of them with each other.”

Has civilization changed so little? “The Hind’s blood was poisonous to gods,” she continued, “and three daggers were anointed with blood for the purpose of slaying gods.”

“Fabulous! Where can I find one?”

“Hades, this was from a play. It’s fictional. There’s no basis in fact. The writer made it up.”

The flames coming out of Hades’ head suddenly flared higher, and Regina was cognizant of the fact that she was sweating a great deal. And it wasn’t just because of the heat. “You’re saying I tore open a portal in the fabric of worlds for something that isn’t real?” he asked as he leaned over her.

“It’s not real here, Hades,” Regina said quickly, “but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real somewhere else! I’ve seen dozens of examples of real people who traveled to other worlds and discovered that they were fictional characters there. I myself have traveled to a world where I was just the villainess in a children’s bedtime story.”

Hades straightened. “So you’re telling me I need to keep looking.”

“Hades, why did you come here? Yes, I know, the dagger, but what led you here if the dagger isn’t real?”

“Nothing! I talked to the old-timer with the jugs, he said his crazy talk, I used my powers to tear a hole in space, I demanded to be taken to the world of the hind’s blood dagger, and I stepped in. I’m a GOD, lady, I don’t need to be more specific than that.”

“Then either ours is the only world where a hind’s blood dagger, real or fictional, exists . . . “

“It’s real, Regina! They promised me the old fart’s never wrong!”

Regina was doing an excellent job of not commenting on his manner of speech. “Fine! If not that, then – oh, dear.”

Hades glared at her. “Oh, dear? What’s that supposed to mean?”

She looked at the portal that was always hanging suspended near her desk, then back at the god. “Hades, perhaps we should try a little experiment. Would you be so kind as to create another portal, this time one to take you to anywhere but here or your home world?”

He appeared to be thinking about it. “All right, but this had better not be some attempt to get rid of me, because I’ll be coming back here.”

“I would like you to return as well, Hades.” Briefly. “I need you to tell me what happens.”

“Fine,” he muttered. He stepped away from the desk, held out his right hand, and splayed his long fingernails. “Take your lord and master Hades to . . . the world without shrimp!”

“The world without what?”

Ignoring her, Hades made a wide, slashing motion through the air, and blue light spilled out from something that resembled a jagged tear in an invisible curtain. “See you in five, dollface.”

Then he was gone.

Regina let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. Part of her deeply wished to never see the immortal again, but part of her needed –

“What the – “

Answers. “That was fast,” she said to Hades, who had emerged from the Enchanted Forest portal and was looking around in consternation. “How was the seafood there?”

“Seafood where? Because I haven’t been anywhere except here.”

Regina closed her eyes. Goddamn you, Blue Fairy, and triple goddamn you, Snow White.

---------------------------------------------------

“Wait, so where is he now?!” Emma demanded.

“Back in his Greece, I imagine. It was the only world he could travel to besides ours. He wanted to try going back through that,” Regina said, gesturing to the portal that placidly floated in her office, “but I wasn’t about to risk a being of such immense power appearing in the very castle where Henry is living. I was able to convince him that the dagger couldn’t possibly be in the Enchanted Forest either because – “

“It’s just something from Xena.”

Everyone looked at Frederick, startled. Regina had forgotten he was even there. “What?” he asked defensively. “I watch television.”

“Because if such a thing existed in the Forest, I would have heard about it,” Regina finished.

“Okay, fine, so he’s gone,” Emma said. “What do the Blue Fairy and Snow have to do with this?”

“Don’t you see, Emma?! Hades, an actual GOD, tried to travel to another world, and instead he came HERE. Actually, that’s how he ended up here in the first place, trying to visit a world with this magic dagger. Which means something pulled him here.” Meaningfully she looked past Emma and at the portal.

“That?” Emma asked. “But it doesn’t even lead to Greece.”

“It’s not a question of where it leads, Emma. It’s a question of what it is. The Blue Fairy mixed magics to create the portal. The Giants’ beans. Fairy dust. Energy from the Storybrooke barrier, a barrier born from a Curse created by the Dark One and cast by a human. And the biggest variable of all . . . “ Regina turned to Jefferson. “The Hat.”

“So who made the Hat?” Emma asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I swear, I don’t! I found it during my travels. My normal, non-dimensional travels.”

“Regardless,” Regina said, “mixing magics is very dangerous. All sorts of things can go wrong. Like this portal, which can never close until everyone who traveled to the Enchanted Forest comes back here. Isn’t that true, Jefferson?”

“It may be,” Jefferson admitted. “That’s how the Hat always worked. Whoever goes in, the same number comes back out.”

Regina looked slowly at everyone, her gaze settling on Emma once more. “I’ve never been through this portal, but some of you have. The first time I ever traveled through the Hat, I found myself in a room with many doors. Have any of you – besides Jefferson, of course – seen that room as well?”

“No,” Emma said after a moment. “We just came out in the castle dungeon.”

“I thought as much. If one thinks of that room as a . . . a kind of way station, one that permits the traveler to select what world he or she visits? Without that world, then the traveler has no choice BUT to enter the world the portal leads to. And what if that affects anyone, anywhere who uses any kind of magic to travel between worlds?”

Emma just looked at her for a moment. “What you’re suggesting,” she finally said, “is that – well, to borrow your metaphor, it’s like somebody hijacked Boston’s subway system, and now all tunnels only lead to here and to the Forest.”

Regina was startled. Coming from Miss Swan, that analogy had been surprisingly astute. “That’s exactly what I’m suggesting, Emma. So what happens the NEXT time a being of massive, unstoppable power like Hades wants to visit the world without shrimp?”

No one answered her. That was good, because it suggested they thought she was right. And it was very, very bad . . .

Because she really didn’t want to be.

To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

Naturally Emma was the first to break the silence.  “Okay, so now what?”

“You’ll have to be a bit more specific, dear,” Regina said.

“Meaning, what do we do about it?” Emma asked.  “You gathered us all here, you told us what happened, now what?  Assuming that the portal here IS some kind of interdimensional magnet that’s sucking every Disney villain with super powers into this world . . . “

Regina glared at her.  “Assuming that?  I’m sorry, are you questioning my credibility?”

“No, I’m questioning your conclusions, Regina.  We don’t actually KNOW that the portal to the Enchanted Forest is the reason Hades came here.  For all we know, there IS no world where the ‘hind’s blood dagger’ is real, and Hades came here because this is the only place where even a fictional one exists.” 

“Oh,” Regina said, momentarily at a loss.  She hadn’t even considered that.  She’d been assuming things just as much as Emma had.

“But your credibility is going to be an issue anyway, Regina,” Sidney pointed out.  “I mean, if you’re right, then the Enchanted Forest is in just as much danger as Storybrooke is.  Or was it just random luck that both of Hades’ portals led him here and not there?”

“As Emma has pointed out already, I don’t know that for certain, Sidney.  But if we continue to use her subway analogy, then no, I don’t think it was luck.  I think there are now just two one-way tunnels.  One starts here and ends in the Forest.  The other starts in the Forest and ends here.  Perhaps because Hades entered a portal of his own making, he was forced to use the tunnel that led here,” Regina suggested.  “Although I have no idea why he was able to return to his version of ancient Greece.”

“It’s the pull.”

Regina looked at Jefferson.  “The what?”

Jefferson rubbed the back of his head.  “The pull.  Interdimensional gravity, if you like using big words.  I don’t know why myself, but it’s like there’s some invisible bond that pulls travelers back to their home dimensions.  Path of least resistance, maybe?  Some kind of cosmic imbalance?  That, I can’t say.”

“Yes, well, that’s why I asked you here.  You know more about moving between worlds than anyone, Jefferson.”

“That explains why you asked him here,” Kathryn said, “but why the rest of us?”

Regina shrugged.  “As the ex-magic mirror, Sidney is a bit of a traveler himself.  Kathryn, I thought you might have some insight into Hades, considering your father was another Greek mythological figure, but judging by your comments, I’m guessing he’s not from your old neck of the woods.”

“No,” Kathryn agreed.  “I’m not exactly sure why my father’s story ended up in a Greek myth, but we worshipped no Greek gods there.”

“And Frederick?” Emma asked.

“Frederick wasn’t letting Kathryn go anywhere without him,” Regina said with a smile.

“It WAS an emergency, you said,” Frederick reminded her.

“Be that as it may,” Sidney said, “the fact remains that if you’re right, Regina, then the people in the Forest have to be told.  If you have another unexpected arrival, and they want to leave through that portal, you won’t be able to physically stop something as powerful as Hades.”

“Fair enough,” Regina said.

“And if I know Snow White,” he continued, “she’s not going to take your word for it.  A single smartphone picture can be altered, digitally or magically.  You’re going to need more proof than that.”

Regina gritted her teeth.  Of course Snow would assume she was lying.  Most of them would.

“Maybe,” Frederick said hesitantly, “there are tachyon particles or something?”

Everyone except Kathryn looked utterly mystified by this.  “My husband, the closet geek,” Kathryn sighed.  “What he’s trying to say is that in the Star Trek universe, when someone or something traveled through time, the disruption in the space-time continuum created something called tachyon particles.  It was like a radioactive signature.  Regina, you said that Hades practically tore open a hole in space.  Even after that hole closes, there has to be some kind of scarring.”

“It’s possible,” Regina said.  “But I have no idea how to look for something like that.”

“Sister Astrid,” Archie suggested.  “The portal was created primarily by Blue and the other fairies.  She might be able to sense something like what Kathryn has described.”

Regina thought it over for a moment.  “It’s a better idea than anything I can think of.  I’ll give her a call after we’re done here.  If Nova can see some kind of magical equivalent of ‘tachyons’, then certainly Blue can.  Snow will accept the truth if Blue confirms it.”

“Even if she believes you,” Emma said, “there’s still the little matter of doing something about it.  Would closing the portal help?”

“Maybe,” Regina replied, “but I don’t know of another way to pull that off without physically bringing the same number of people who left Storybrooke back through it.  Jefferson?”

He shook his head.  “Not that I’m aware of.  But good luck getting some people to return, including Snow White.”

Snow White would die first.  She’d see it as surrender.  Regina wondered if killing her and carrying her body through the portal would count.

“What about Frankenstein?” Emma asked.  “Thanks to Fred here, we’ve switched film genres.  If there isn’t a fantasy answer, maybe a science fiction answer will work instead.”      

“I suppose it’s worth a shot,” Regina said.  For once, everything out of Emma’s mouth was impressing her instead of annoying her.  “Although I don’t know where his lab is.”

“Still at the hospital,” Sidney volunteered.

“Ah.  Of course.  Well, I’ll talk to him as well as Astrid then.”

“Regina, what if someone else wants to move back here in the meantime?” Archie asked.  “You must be getting one or two a day.  Would they be safer in the Forest than here?”

“Maybe VERY slightly safer,” Regina replied.  “If anyone wants to make a concerted effort to enter that portal, as Sidney pointed out, and they’re stronger than me, there’s not a lot I can do about it.  Although I don’t know how many Disney villains fit that description.”

“Disney villains,” Emma repeated, shaking her head. “What about Disney TV shows? I’ve developed a high threshold for absurdity, but if I have to deal with Magica de Spell – “

“Who?” Henry asked.

“Duck Tales, kid. Before your time.”

“I realize it sounds absurd when you say it out loud,” Regina said, “but – “

“It’s not just Disney villains we have to worry about,” Kathryn interrupted, stiffening.

“What do you mean?” Regina asked her.

“Regina, since you’re so well-informed about Disney movies,” Kathryn said, “maybe you can tell us which Disney movie Dr. Frankenstein appears in.”

Regina opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.  Damn it.

“You’re saying it’s not just Disney characters we have to worry about,” Emma said flatly.  “It’s more like what, every character that’s ever been in a book? Dracula? Morgan Le Fay? VOLDEMORT?”

“Maybe,” Kathryn said.

“Thor?” Henry suggested hopefully.

“He’s not the Asgardian I’d be worried about, Henry,” Jefferson said.

“Great,” Emma responded.  “Now I’ve got to worry about someone like Sauron showing his face here.  His eye.  Whatever.”

Regina felt the beginnings of a headache mushrooming to a full-blown migraine. Now she perhaps had the collected works of world literature AND Henry’s comic books to worry about too? It was tempered only by her surprise that Emma even knew who Morgan Le Fay WAS.  “Perhaps we should all do a little research and finish this discussion tomorrow?”

“Sounds good,” Sidney said. “Only, what happens if someone else shows up between then and now?”

“Then we deal with that when it happens, Sidney,” Regina said, irritated. “Honestly, if things get that bad, that quickly, all the advance planning in the world probably won’t make a difference.”

“He does sort of raise an interesting point, though, Regina,” Archie said. “What happens if we have another visitor and no one is here? I mean, you must return home to sleep sooner or later.”

“Any movement through the portal, coming or going, sets off a kind of magical alarm,” Regina explained. “It would wake me from the deepest sleep.”

“Even so,” Kathryn said, “would you be opposed to some kind of rotating watch for when you’re not here? If only because Snow White might be more willing to believe it’s true if one of us is here to see when a TARDY – “

“TARDIS,” Frederick corrected her.

Regina sighed. “If everyone is okay with that, then we’ll draw something up tomorrow. But the alarm will stay in place. It doesn’t do us any good if you’re here by yourself, Kathryn, and Algaliarept emerges from the portal.”

“Who?”

“Demon,” Regina and Emma said simultaneously, then looked at each other, eyes widening.

“You’ve read the Grand Grimoire?” Regina asked, stunned.

“I don’t suppose that’s a Kim Harrison book I didn’t read yet?” Emma asked.

Well, no Emma Swan could ever be THAT well-read.

“While you two are comparing bibliographies,” Kathryn said, “we’ll leave and do some work on our own end.”

Within a minute, Regina found herself saying awkward farewells to everyone and ending up alone with Emma and Henry. “I should get you home, Henry,” Regina said, deciding that interdimensional vortices could wait for a few hours. “I don’t know what kind of lesson plans they’ve been giving you over there, but – “

“Regina.”

Regina looked up and took in the decidedly alarmed expression on Emma’s face.

“He can’t stay here,” Emma continued. “I’m bringing him back.”

She just stared blankly at Emma for a few moments. “No,” she blurted out, pulling him closer. “You will NOT take him.”

Henry’s eyes grew wide.

“Regina, not to repeat myself again, but remember what I said about not losing your shit?” Emma asked. “Because right now you’re leaving your shit on the side of the road and then driving away.”

“I just got him back,” Regina said in a voice that was equal parts furious and anguished. “You don’t know what it’s been like without him here!”

It was the merest instinct that summoned a fireball into her free hand.

“Regina!“

“You can’t just dangle him in front of me and then yank him back again! I might as well give Rumple – “

“Wait, what? What ABOUT Rumplestiltskin?” Emma asked, starting to look as freaked out as Regina felt (if she ever used a word like “freaked”, which she did not).

“He came here recently,” Regina said, swearing internally. That offer was worthless now that she’d completely lost control, like Emma’s history of word vomit had become contagious. “He knew people were coming back and he offered me Henry if I forced them to return to the Forest. Storybrooke is cutting into his profit margin or some such nonsense, he said.”

“He WHAT?! He can’t just GIVE you my son – “

“MY SON!”

“Our son, fine, sorry! I thought deals with him were a bad idea, Regina!”

“What if it was YOU, Emma?!” Regina snarled, having practically forgotten Henry was clutched against her. “What if Henry was here and you were in the Forest and you couldn’t use the portal to return here? How would that feel after a few weeks? Now tell me how ANY idea sounds worse than ‘never seeing Henry again’!”

That seemed to get through to Emma, who looked positively shaken by the thought. “Okay, I get your point,” she whispered.

“Emma?” Henry said, frightened.

“But Regina, I can’t leave him here,” Emma went on. “Not when your office has become Grand Central Station for every demon, warlock, and hell god who decides to look for new worlds to conquer!”

Regina gasped, as tears began to flow. Damn her. Damn Emma Swan. You so hate it when she’s right.

The Enchanted Forest wasn’t a whole lot safer the next time a brand-new monster emerged from the portal, but what were the odds it would simply vanish back the way it came without seeing what victims this Earth had to offer first? The Forest was in danger, but Storybrooke was the front line.

And no matter how much she missed him, Regina couldn’t endanger Henry like that.

Letting him go, Regina snuffed out the flames in her hand before clapping it over her mouth as a sob ripped out of her. “Take him,” she managed him to say. “Get him as far away from that fuc – that god-forsaken portal as you can.” Before she clawed her fingers bloody trying to follow him through it.

“Mom, don’t cry,” Henry said helplessly. “It’ll – it’ll be okay, won’t it, Emma? You’ll fix it and then she can see me again?”

Emma stared at Regina with more sorrow than she would have imagined. “You’re absolutely right, Henry,” she said without looking down at him. “And if it makes you feel any better, Regina, I’m going to have a TALK with Rumple the next time he wants to see our son.”    

“That won’t make any difference if you still can’t control your magic,” Regina said, her voice having become rough with tears. “I don’t suppose you’ve been seeing about getting training?”

“I mentioned it to Blue,” Emma replied. “She seemed interested. Really interested. It was actually kind of creepy, like I just offered her the last Beanie Baby she needed to complete her collection. I hadn’t made up my mind yet.”

“Well,” Regina said, wiping her eyes, sure she looked a mess, “it would stand to reason. You’re practically True Love personified, and she appointed herself the final arbiter of Right and Wrong centuries ago. She would see that as the perfect alliance.”

“She’s just not what I expected from the fairy that turns puppets into real boys,” Emma said.

“That’s because the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio is really just one side of the real thing,” Regina explained. “Just like the sorceress from Beauty and the Beast is another.”

Emma blinked. “You’re telling me that the lady who turns the Prince into the Beast – Rumplestiltskin, I guess? THAT’S Blue too?”

“Well, the Prince in question was a few hundred years ago, according to the legend. Walt Disney or whoever has had access to the histories of the Enchanted Forest, they like to cherry-pick, so Rumple’s story became mixed up with that much older Prince’s. But yes, the movie’s retelling of the curse and how it was broken is disturbingly accurate, like most recent Disney – Miss Swan?”

Regina didn’t understand why, but Emma looked almost as horrified now as she had when Regina was losing control a few minutes ago.

“The Blue Fairy,” Emma said slowly, “put a curse on a teenage prince and an entire castle filled with servants, surrounded the castle with the scariest forest ever, and then said if the prince couldn’t get someone to fall in love with him and say it out loud before an expiration date, they’d all be stuck like that FOREVER?”

Regina frowned. She made it sound an awful lot like - “I’m not going to apologize for reminding you of what a horrible person I was when I cast the Curse and ruined your childhood, if that’s what you’re – “

“No, Regina, God, that’s not what – Henry, say goodbye to your other mother, we’re leaving right now.”

“Excuse me?! This sounds exactly WHAT.”

“Regina, believe it or not, not everything about my crappy childhood is about you! I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?” Emma said, rolling her eyes, although she was still clearly agitated.

Henry hugged her so tightly that just for a moment, Regina believed that she’d see him again after all. When he stopped, though – “I meant it, Miss Swan. You WILL keep our son safe while this issue with the portal remains unresolved.”

“I will,” Emma agreed. “And we’ll talk more soon. Let’s go, Henry. I’ve got to talk to your grams about – “ The corner of her lip quirked as she looked at Regina. “Your lesson plans.”

Two seconds later they were gone. Regina wouldn’t have believed it possible, but she felt even emptier than ever.

But she had bigger fish to fry. Like coming up with a list of every fictional character she could think of, and a way they could perhaps be defeated.

That was the nice thing about books, for once. They all had this relentless need to supply the reader with a means to defeat evil.  

Day 20

Emma Swan (visitor)(acting Sheriff)

Naturally Miss Swan arrived late the next day. “You missed the meeting,” Regina snapped in lieu of a greeting.

“In my defense,” Emma replied wearily, “we never actually specified a TIME for the meeting. Besides, you wouldn’t know this, but time seems to run differently in the Forest. It was night when I left, and here it’s only 6 PM.”

THAT was certainly interesting information. With a brief experiment Regina could probably calculate how long a day in the Forest was, compared to a day on Earth. That might even begin to explain the strange time differentials between Forest history and Earth cultural depictions of it. “You certainly look like you’ve been up all night,” Regina said.

“I may . . . have caused a minor diplomatic incident after I got back,” Emma admitted.

Regina paused. “Does it have something to do with why you tore out of here because you found out the Blue Fairy turned a French maid into a feather duster?”

“Yeah, that,” Emma said. “Blue is one of Henry’s tutors, and I told Snow that I didn’t want her doing it any more.”

“Goodness,” Regina said, surprised. Minor diplomatic incident? You did NOT want to piss off the fairies, unless you were okay with them deciding your enemies’ wishes were worthier of granting than yours. “Why?”

Emma didn’t respond right away. “You see that movie growing up in the foster system,” she finally said, “depending on what age you are, you’ll either have nightmares for a week, or you’ll feel like giving up hope of ever being adopted.”

“I never thought of Beauty and the Beast as a horror movie, Emma.”

“It’s the first five minutes, mainly. Let’s forget the whole issue of whether it’s permissible for Blue to put a curse on some snot-nosed, bratty preteen because he wasn’t nice to old people, then set him up to fail by only giving him ten years to break the curse while surrounded by a forest that discourages virtually ANYONE from going near the castle,” Emma said.

Regina blinked. “I don’t remember it quite like – “

“The rose was supposed to bloom until his 21^st birthday. Years passed between the curse and Belle showing up. How old do YOU think he was?”

Okay, perhaps when Emma put it like that . . . it sounded exactly like the self-righteous, unforgiving bullshit that the Blue Fairy pulled on anybody she chose not to like – such as Regina.

“Anyway, it’s not him, it’s the servants. Regina, they were just innocent bystanders who got sucked into the curse, totally no fault of their own. And they were going to stay that way for eternity unless some OTHER person broke the curse. It didn’t matter to Blue how good THEY were. She just hijacked their destinies and tied them to someone else’s.

“Do you know what it’s like to be a foster child,” Emma went on grimly, “and be told by a Disney movie that no matter how good you were, no matter how many rules you followed, no matter how perfect you were, you were just some powerless little kid whose fate was entirely in the hands of someone else? That you might never be adopted because someone ELSE fucked up?” She paused. “I wasn’t even ten when I saw that movie the first time, and it scared the crap out of me. By the time I saw it again, it had happened to me. I was a good girl, the foster family seemed to like me, it seemed like they were going to adopt me, and then whoops! The wife got pregnant and they didn’t need me any more. Because some dipshit lab tech read their results wrong, I got a new life dangled in front of me and then had it snatched away. The second time I watched Beauty and the Beast, it seemed like it was speaking to me. You’re just a teapot, and you’re going to go on being one until you’re eighteen.”

Regina never would have thought of it that way, but then she was the one casting the Curse, not the one victimized by it. “Emma – “

“I told you, Regina, this isn’t about you,” Emma said. “So if you’re going to apologize, please don’t. What pisses me off? It’s that the Blue Fairy did the exact same thing you did, and for much less of a reason. The Prince wasn’t nice to a homeless lady, and Blue shafted him and two hundred other people for ten years. Fuck, Regina, you might as well turn three-quarters of Boston into animals for not being charitable to random homeless people. But no one thinks of it the same way because the Prince had a ‘happy ending’. Is that adequate compensation for someone who had to spend ten years as a CLOCK for no reason? I don’t fucking think so. So I told Snow – if what Regina did was so horrible that you had to banish her to Maine, then the Blue Fairy sure as hell doesn’t get to teach Henry, of all things, history.”

Emma looked at her. “That’s hypocrisy, Regina. Either they punish both of you, or they don’t. End of story.”

Regina wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Blue’s victims, if you want to look at it like that, have been dead for decades. What I did was much more recent.”

“I don’t think there should be a statute of limitations on transforming someone into a FORK for ten years, Regina. Besides, what makes you think anybody would call foul if she does it AGAIN?”

“That’s how the Prince’s curse worked, Emma. Nobody remem – “

Emma grimaced at her. “Yeah, you just realized, didn’t you? Nobody remembered that there used to be a Prince in a big, shiny castle yesterday, where that dark, scary forest is today. They only remembered after the spell was broken. Well, how do you know there aren’t OTHER dark, scary forests out there where castles used to be?”

Once again Regina was impressed in spite of herself. Emma had been trying to make a point, and she’d led Regina right into making it for her. “So what happened?”

“Snow said no. I told her that it wasn’t her call, that I was the custodial parent in the Forest. Then Blue showed up – because she was eavesdropping or something, who the hell knows – and things got ugly,” Emma said.

“How ugly?”

Emma rubbed the back of her neck. “Blue said I was a naïve fool who was going to teach Henry all the wrong things, and I might have called Blue a ‘heartless, sanctimonious bitch’.”

Regina chuckled despite herself.

“Anyway, I didn’t think it was a good time to bring up Hades, or the fact that you’d taken Blue’s spot on my Christmas card list. What happened while I was gone?”

Regina gestured to a stack of pages. “We came up with over a hundred different characters from world literature, Disney movies, and even ancient religions, who allegedly have the kind of power that would possibly permit them to cross dimensions. And the means to stop less than half of them. The rest, well, they’ll take up some finessing like Hades did.”

“That must have been reassuring,” Emma muttered.

“Astrid said there are no such things as ‘magical tachyons’ like what Frederick suggested. Magic leaves traces, but that stupid portal makes it impossible to pick up on anything faint, like Hades slicing open the time-space continuum the other day.”

Emma just shook her head.

“And starting tomorrow, someone will be watching the portal while I take my meals. It will have to be left unattended at night, it’s not reasonable or safe to expect someone else to do that. My alarm system will have to do for now.” Regina smiled. “And before you indulge in yet more doom and gloom, I’ve only encountered a couple dimensional travelers in all my life. So I don’t think we’re in any immediate danger, while we try to figure out how to close that portal.”

“When you do,” Emma said quietly, “so you know, Henry and I are going to be on whatever side you’re on.”

Regina would be embarrassed later to admit that not only was she unable to formulate a response to this, but her mouth had simply hung open.

“Close your mouth, Madame Mayor, we are not a codfish,” Emma added dryly.

“Oh, you did NOT just quote Mary Poppins at me, Sheriff Swan.”

“Am I Sheriff again?”

“Well,” Regina said hesitantly, “you did say you’d be coming back.”

Emma smiled back at her. “I guess I’ll need the badge back then.”

Day 23

Tourist (female)

While Regina was correct in assuming they weren’t in any immediate danger from other travelers, she was incorrect in assuming that it was because they wouldn’t be GETTING any new ones soon. Because three days later, in the middle of eating lunch in her home, she heard the chime that meant someone had used the portal.

Jefferson was on watch then, so she called him to confirm. It could mean ordinary Enchanted Forest emigrants, or Dr. Hopper returning to his patients there.

“Don’t worry about it, Madame Mayor,” he told her. “We’re not under attack.”

It was only after she returned that Regina realized just how unacceptably vague his answer was. Jefferson was waiting outside her office with the door closed when she teleported there and the purple smoke cleared. “Look, before you go in – “

“What?” she asked suspiciously. “I swear, if that little bitch Snow is here to accuse me of putting ideas in Emma’s head – “

“Grace was here with me when she arrived,” Jefferson told her quickly. “And then she texted one of the Schumacher girls. And then all twelve of them showed up, along with a few extras. What was I supposed to do, tell them to wait outside while you interviewed her?”

Before Regina could respond to that with the proper outrage, she became aware of noises coming from the other side of her office door. Carefully she approached. It sounded like – singing? Yes, it sounded like multiple girls singing in unison. In fact, it sounded like they were singing . . .

She closed her eyes. “It’s Queen Elsa, isn’t it?”

Jefferson nodded.

Regina readied herself. When she opened the door, it was going to get very loud.

To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

                “You have to do something about this, Mayor Mills,” Elsa said desperately a short time later.  “However true the rest of the story they’ve been told is, I cannot sing.  And they’re all looking at me as if I’m about to burst into an aria.”

                “They do seem quite mesmerized by you,” Regina replied, as if this was somehow the least bit surprising.  Her office was currently overrun by what appeared to be every girl in Storybrooke under the age of eighteen.  Every single person inside had been singing the closing lines of “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?” when Regina first entered – every person, that was, except the queen herself, who had been completely surrounded by her fans as she stared raptly at a pink laptop computer screen.  “I take it the story IS true, then?”

                “What I’ve seen so far on that magical viewing device is mostly accurate,” Elsa admitted with a sigh.  “Not that I enjoy seeing the loneliest years of my life re-enacted for all.  And judging by the questions little Grace and the others were asking me, the remainder of this thing they call a ‘movie’ is also true to life.  Except, as I said, the singing part.  Anna could sing for them.  But I’ve been living with disappointing others for most of my life, and I don’t want to see the look on their faces when they hear the first off-key note.”

                The fact that Queen Elsa in the flesh was almost a carbon copy physically of her animated counterpart wouldn’t help.  “I’ll speak with the young ladies, they’ll understand,” Regina said calmly.  “There are many more musical movies about other people they know in real life, back where we all come from, and most of THEM don’t spontaneously burst into song either.  But first I’d like to know why you’re here, Queen Elsa.”

                She looked embarrassed.  “Well, I’m sort of taking a break from being Queen, actually.  A temporary one!  The events those girls have described took place a few years ago, and by now it seems like everyone in the world knows of the ‘Snow Queen of Arendelle’.  I had hoped to travel someplace where I could be a little more anonymous.”  Elsa smiled ruefully.  “So much for that plan.”

                “How did you come here?  Crossing the barrier between worlds isn’t exactly an easy thing to do,” Regina said.

                “The trolls,” Elsa replied.  “Kristoff’s ‘Grandpa’ had discovered a place where the walls between worlds had grown thinner.  He suggested that since the very nature of my powers is to freeze both time and space for anything or anyone caught within them, I could perhaps freeze the time-space barrier itself where it was thinnest, and manipulate the ice in order to open a portal.  It was worth a try, I thought.”

                “Obviously,” Regina agreed.  “Do your subjects know where you’ve gone?”

                “Well, not WHERE, of course, but they know I’ve taken some time off.  Anna will rule while I’m gone.  She shouldn’t have any problem, Anna is beloved by all who get to know her.”

                Maleficent would have hated her, Regina thought morosely.  “Unfortunately, there appears to be a problem with the pathways between world, Queen Elsa.  As far as we can tell, travelers can only visit here, the Enchanted Forest, and wherever they’re originally from.  You could always try the Forest, but you’d be just as recognizable there.”

                “So you’re saying I’ll attract plenty of attention anywhere I go,” Elsa said unhappily.

                “Make the best of it then.  Obviously there’s no point in simply returning home.  You could always stay in the Enchanted Forest for your vacation,” Regina said distractedly.  Although Mal would have been preoccupied with an entirely different movie, I imagine.  From what I’ve heard, she would have found it exceedingly hilarious.  “But civilization there is rather less advanced than it is in Arendelle, and maybe glorified camping is your thing, but it’s not mine.”  Granted, there’s no movie theater in Storybrooke, but we could have just found a pirated copy online.  Mal would have said it was our duty as villainesses to see a show together without paying for it.  “You might be better off exploring the wonders of a modern world here in Storybrooke.”  We probably would have watched it and laughed our damn heads off.

                “I suppose that would work,” Elsa said.  “As long as I don’t find myself with a gaggle of schoolchildren trailing after me everywhere I go.”

                “I can be a trifle scary when I want to be,” Regina replied.  “They’ll give you some space.”  What a waste, and it was all just for Rumple’s own ends.  Although I never had much hope Emma would defeat her.  Then again, I suppose nobody, not even a witch, would be at their top form after being trapped in the form of a dragon while imprisoned below ground for twenty-eight years.  Emma Swan – a dragonslayer her first day using a sword, AND she reads books!  Who knew?

                Regina smiled at her politely.  “Give me a minute with them.  After that, you’re on your own.”

                Even as she braced herself to go back into her office, Regina got on her cellphone.  “Kathryn?  Have you heard – yes, from Frozen.  Snow might not believe a photograph, but she has to accept an eyewitness report from David’s . . . well, you know.  Could you – thank you.”

                Then she went inside, even as her mind was still focused on a new thought.

                It would be just like her.

                Regina stepped out of the archaic elevator and looked around.  Yes, she’d told Ms. Swan that she needed to operate the controls while Emma descended below, but seriously, like there wasn’t a way around that using magic?  Regina would have done the exact same thing even if she’d had powers at the time.  No one ever wants to risk being barbecued.

                Still an utter hellhole.  Maleficent had better be dead for real; the décor alone would be an unforgiveable offense to her.

                But it WOULD be just like Mal to fake her own death in order to throw off her pursuers.  She didn’t turn into a dragon solely because of all the fire breath and teeth and claws.  In fact, Maleficent was probably deadlier in human form, because even the most minor cantrip was beyond her so long as she was an overgrown reptile.

                No, she transformed into a dragon because knights and other heroes had very set ideas about how you killed dragons, and what it looked like when they died.  The same rules didn’t apply to magical constructs like the ones Maleficent had mastered.  A favorite story of hers was the time she turned into a gorgon, and some nameless hero had confidently thrust a mirrored surface into her face. Mal had told her that she’d calmly checked to see if there was any food stuck between her teeth before she decapitated him.  “If I was going to be the last thing he saw, you can be sure I was going to look my best.”

                Regina wasn’t quite so vain as Mal, but a quick swirl of purple smoke changed her attire into something a little more “campy gothic villainess”.  There were protocols, after all, and high-heeled pumps suitable for a local politician were never intended for cavern floors.

                Then she raised her voice.  “If you’re in here, Mal, I hope you’re not planning something so impolite as a sneak attack.  I’m sure you’ve had a monologue saved up for this occasion for years.”

                There was no response.  It was entirely possible that Maleficent had died just as Emma thought.  The Savior had to have gotten the potion out of her somehow.  And there had been that shambling revived corpse who Regina had left Hook behind to face.  

                Then again, IF Mal could have found a way to regain her human form, then all sorts of spells would have been at her disposal, including necromancy.  And if you could completely change your shape, then getting an inanimate object outside of your stomach without surgery was a walk in the park.

                Still, if Regina was able to leave unmolested, then there would be no question in her mind that her former friend was dead.

                “Pity,” Regina said.  “I guess you really did die at the hands of a complete amateur.”  She turned to leave.

                “Oh, for the love of – you can’t be leaving already, you just got here.”

                Regina froze.  Typical.  Just like when you got Gold to admit he remembered being Rumple.  You just HAD to know, even thought it was a complication you did NOT need at the time.  “Maleficent,” she said slowly.  “Are you sure you’re finished skulking?”

                “I never skulk,” Maleficent snapped.  “Only goblins and roaches and pink fairies do that.”

                “Would you rather I had suggested you were hiding?” Regina asked as she turned around – and then promptly turned back again.  “Why in hell are you naked?!”

                “It gets quite hot down here, as I’m sure you can imagine,” Maleficent said.  “And it’s not as if I receive many visitors.  Why bother dressing?”

                “Well, maybe I can rectify that IF you could summon a scrap of decency and put something on.  I know decency is difficult for you but – “

                Maleficent chuckled.  “Crow calling the raven black, Regina?  Although I certainly can’t imagine when you became such a prude . . . you can turn around now, your delicate sensibilities are safe from me.”

                Regina turned once more, and managed to stay that way, although she did almost have a choking fit.  “What are you wearing THAT for?”

                The other witch looked down at her blue jeans and red leather jacket.  “What?”

                “What would possess you to dress like Emma Swan?!”

                “Another drawback of being imprisoned in an underground chamber, Regina,” Maleficent said dryly, “is being woefully behind on fashion trends.  I simply assumed that everyone dressed like this in your precious world without magic.”

                “No, they do not.  And I’m just trying to save your pride, it looks better on Emma,” Regina snapped.

                Maleficent raised an eyebrow.

                Why had she just said that? 

                “Although to be honest, this ‘world without magic’ of yours, it never quite lived up to its billing, did it?” Maleficent pointed out.  “Perhaps you should have specified a world where magic could not exist, instead of just one where it didn’t.  Not that it didn’t work out for you.  Otherwise your oh-so-special magical ‘failsafe’ would have been an ordinary rock, guarded by a single human with no powers or weapons whatsoever.”

                “Speaking of which,” Regina said, “when did you first re-assume your human form?”

                Maleficent shrugged.  “Twenty-nine years after the Curse began, give or take a year.  For years and years I believed I was a dragon, and then all of a sudden, poof!  My memories returned, and with it my ability to shape-change.”

                Probably the night Emma first arrived in Storybrooke.  “So when you encountered Miss Swan – “

                “Swan?  What an ironic name!  But yes, I knew who I was.  I only changed back into a dragon because I assumed that was YOU coming, and I wanted you to think that everything was as it was before.”  Maleficent laughed.  “Instead I got a female Prince Charming, what an improvement!  Someone so gullible that I could fake my own death, AND foist that stupid hunk of metal, the one Rumple thought was so valuable, off on someone else.  What was inside anyway?”

                “The Essence of True Love in liquid form,” Regina grumbled.  “He needed it to bring magic into this world.”

                “Tricksy, isn’t he?”

                Regina shrugged.  “I can think of a few similar-sounding words I’d use first.”  She paused.  “So was that you pretending to be a ghoul when I showed up with Hook?”

                Maleficent looked disgusted.  “Ew, no, that thing was beastly.  Some primitive whose remains had been here for several centuries, I believe.  If it HAD been me, believe me, I would have had more corpses for company after that day.”

                “Like mine, you mean,” Regina said.

                “Well, you can hardly blame me, I would have been in a TERRIBLE mood if I’d have been dead.”

                “Then how would you describe your mood NOW?”

                Maleficent tapped her chin with one finger.  “Intrigued.  Excited, maybe.  Still a bit put out.”

                Regina took a step back.  “I’m not sure which surprises me more – that you didn’t try to kill me the last time I was here, or that you haven’t tried to kill me yet today?”

                “Really, Regina?  Really?” Maleficent asked coolly.  “Do you really think me that short-sighted?  Tell me, Regina.  If I’d been the one to cast the Curse, and YOU had been the one trapped down here, who would you want dead more?  Me, or Snow White?”

                “I’d . . . “  She sighed.  “I’d be royally pissed at you, Mal, but Snow would come first while I still had the element of surprise.”

                “Then why are you surprised by me?”

                “You’re saying this is still all about Aurora.”

                “Of course it’s all still about Aurora,” Maleficent hissed.  “I may not have been able to escape from here, even with my magic, but I could still do plenty of other things, including sense those who were nearby, and I couldn’t detect Aurora anywhere.  Which meant she had to have eluded the Curse somehow.  I would have to find a way either to get back to the Forest, or to bring Aurora here.  Either way, I couldn’t afford to get into a magical war with you and all those goody-goodies up there.  So I waited instead.  I’d been waiting three decades, what was another year?”

                “Well, the wait is over, if you like,” Regina told her.  “Ms. Swan spent some time in the Forest last year where she encountered Aurora, and there’s a portal that can take you there.”

                Maleficent tilted her head, looking almost quizzical.  “Why, Regina, are you trying to get rid of me?”

                “Actually, no,” Regina said.  “I’d rather you didn’t.  As you say, you’ll only get into a magical war with all those goody-goodies, and I doubt your chance of winning has improved from the last time.”

                “But if there’s a portal to take me there, then – “

                “It works both ways, if that’s where you’re going.  So if you’re willing to wait a little longer, Aurora may very well come here,” Regina said.

                Maleficent studied her for a few seconds.  “You know, you might actually be telling the truth.”

                “It’s a bad habit, I know.”

                “Well, truth for truth, Regina,” Maleficent said.  “If I HAD wanted revenge from you before all else, I wouldn’t have come after you directly.”  She smiled slyly.  “Even a blind idiot could tell that the way to hurt you is through your son.” 

                Regina’s back stiffened, and her magic practically leaped into her fingertips.  “You do not threaten my son, Mal.  No matter how far we go back.”

                “IF, Regina, I said IF.  I think that implies the opposite of me threatening you,” Maleficent replied innocently.  “It’s more like a warning.  I mean, I assume he left for the Forest, same as everyone else who suddenly disappeared from my detection spell a few weeks ago.  What if someone over THERE wanted to get at you through him?  Where are you to protect him?”

                “He’ll be fine,” Regina said, still furious.  “All those Charmings – “

                “Without magical powers, or the control to use them properly.”

                “So?”

                “So, do you know anybody with magic powers who might still bear a grudge against you?” Maleficent asked.  “And who has a history of not caring overly much for the welfare of children?”

                Regina sighed.  “For your information, Rumplestiltskin is actually my son’s biological grandfather, so I highly doubt that he would attempt to intentionally harm him.“

                “I wasn’t speaking of the Imp, Regina.”

                “You weren’t?  Then who else . . . “

                Even a blind idiot could tell that the way . . .

                “That’s a pretty feeble attempt to scare me, Mal,” Regina said, sneering.  “I killed the Blind Witch myself.  I cooked her inside her own oven.  In fact, I believe I shared that story with you a while ago.”

                Maleficent nodded.  “Yes, that’s true.  Do you remember what my response was?”

                Regina thought back.  “Something about how you’d think blind people would be more careful around open flames?”

                “That sounds about right.”

                “Mal, I don’t know if you remember THIS, but fire has proven to be a remarkably effective weapon against witches.”

                “Then I suppose you’re right, and Henry is in no danger from a cannibal who hates you and who everyone believes is dead.  Since witches have proven remarkably IN-effective at faking their own deaths.”

                Regina gritted her teeth.  She was just trying to fuck with her head, and while Regina couldn’t exactly blame her, she didn’t have to like it either.  “Then let’s continue this discussion above ground, shall we?”

                “I suppose,” Maleficent said.  “Although you haven’t said why you came looking for me today.”

                “I was reminded of you today, and it occurred to me that Ms. Swan had been frightfully lucky to kill you when she’d never used a sword before.”

                “That only occurred to you NOW?” Maleficent asked.  “I thought you were just leaving me down here for fun.”

                Regina shook her head as Maleficent fell in beside her and the two women began walking toward the elevator.  “I was stuck with Snow White and her ilk for months, Mal.  Having you up there could hardly have been worse.  Besides, I have a much bigger problem.”

                “What’s that?”

                “Did your detection spell pick up on any unusually large spikes of energy recently?”

                Maleficent smiled.  “You know, it DID at that.  I felt a being of immense power, and then a few minutes later it was gone.  Who was it?”

                “The god of the underworld.”

                “Sounds gloomy.”

                “He was actually rather avuncular – and he could have wiped us both out in the blink of an eye.”

                “But he’s gone now.”

                Regina let Maleficent precede her onto the elevator platform.  “And he might be back, or a hundred other beings just as powerful.  When the fairies created that portal to the Enchanted Forest, it appears they may have botched the procedure, and now anybody who attempts to cross between worlds ends up right above our heads.  So, unless you think you can go toe-to-toe with a god, you may want to help me figure out a way to close the damn thing.”

                For the first time since Regina saw her, Maleficent didn’t look very pleased.  “Very – what was that?!”

                Naturally Maleficent had picked up on the magical vibrations.  “My alarm system,” Regina said.  “Someone has used the portal, coming or going.”

                “And it could be a god whose powers make ours look miniscule?”

                “Precisely.”

                “Well.  The suspense may kill me before the new arrival does.”

                Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you looked at it, the arrival was the same Ms. Swan they’d been talking about.  If she’d looked tired the last time Regina saw, Emma looked almost dead on her feet.  Thankfully Queen Elsa and her Disney Channel fan club had cleared out by now, leaving only the sheriff.  “Where is Jefferson?” Regina asked.  “His shift wasn’t over yet.”

                “I sent him home,” Emma said.  “I figured I could be trusted to watch the damn thing.”  She looked at Maleficent.  “He said we’d had another new face today, is this her?”

                “No, this is an old face,” Regina told her.  “A very old and wrinkled face.”

                “Bite me, Regina,” Maleficent retorted.

                “Oh no, I’ll leave the biting to you, you’ve got the teeth for it, lizard.”

                “Regina, I’ve had a really long day, could you fill me in here?” Emma asked plaintively.

                For some reason, the way Emma looked and sounded made Regina not want to prolong her confusion.  “Do you remember the dragon, Emma?” she asked gently.

                “Are you kidding?  How could I forget it?”

                “Her.”

                “It, her, whatever.”

                Regina pointed at Maleficent.  “No, I mean – well, yes, that too, but HER.  This is the dragon in her true form.”

                Emma started.  “WHAT?!  Why is the dragon a human now, and alive, AND dressing like me?”

                “We were never properly introduced,” Maleficent said.  “You wanted me dead, and I don’t appreciate people waving sharp objects at me.”

                “Maleficent,” Regina sighed.

                “Craaaap, Regina,” Emma groaned.  “Not only is the dragon alive, but she’s Princess Aurora’s archnemesis?  Philip and Mulan are going to have a fit!”

                “Aurora AND Philip?” Maleficent asked, looking at Regina.

                Regina nodded.

                “That stupid apple was so overrated,” Maleficent muttered.

                “I didn’t need this, Regina,” Emma said.  “Everyone’s already freaking out in the Forest, INCLUDING our son.”

                “What happened?!”

                The sheriff rubbed her eyes.  “Ava – I mean Gretel – went missing over twenty-four hours ago.  Her father and brother are in a panic.  We’ve been sending out search parties, but it’s a big fucking Forest.”

                Regina’s eyes widened.

                “Tsk, tsk, Regina.  I told you,” Maleficent said.

                Emma stared at them.  “Told you WHAT?”

                “Maleficent,” Regina said quietly, trying not to resort instantly to some very violent magic, “you’re going to tell me if the Blind Witch is alive or not, and you’re going to tell me how you know, or so help me, I’m going to see how YOU like being a unicorn, and then I’m going to have Emma put you in the stables along HERS.”

                Maleficent looked wounded.  “Well, you don’t have to act so outraged, I could have not mentioned her at all.”

                “Regina,” Emma said, “I can’t keep track of all these fairy tales sometimes.  Blind Witch?”

                “She created the gingerbread house, Sheriff Swan.”

                Emma jumped back to her feet, looking horrified.  “Hansel and Gretel’s witch?!  I thought she got shoved in an oven!”

                “She did, Emma, and then I lit it.  She SHOULD be dead,” Regina said, glaring at Maleficent, “but she recently suggested that my belief was in error.”

                “Lady,” Emma said, “I may not have a sword right now, but I have a gun, and I am so much better with a gun than with a sword.”

                “All right, all right!” Maleficent said.  “Yes, she’s alive.  Believe it or not, Regina, but some of us villains feel the need to complain about YOU.  The Blind Witch showed up at my castle about a month after you told me you killed her, looking very much alive.  She needed someone to vent to, and I was the lucky one she chose.”

                “How did she survive?” Regina demanded.

                “Apparently someone who shall remain nameless – let’s just say it was someone with the gift of prophecy and a fondness for buying and selling things – “

                Of course.  Regina forced herself to unclench her first before her nails drew blood.

                “This someone had the Phoenix in his possession and sold it to her the year before, for a price she wouldn’t tell me,” Maleficent continued.  “He’d said he had a vision where she was burnt to death in her own oven.”

                “What’s the Phoenix?” Emma asked.

                “A magical artifact that protects the holder from fire,” Regina said quickly.  “Not an uncommon type of artifact, but most of them only work once, whereas the Phoenix can be used an unlimited number of times for a price.  You’re sure, Mal?”

                “She didn’t exactly hand it over, Regina, but do you have another explanation for why she survived being trapped inside a burning oven?”

                She had a point.

                “But where has she been all this time?” Emma asked.  “Was she part of the Curse?”

                “Who knows?” Regina said.  “I never knew the true identities of many residents of Storybrooke.  She might have been here all this time.”

                “Fuck,” Emma said.  “Fuckfuckfuck.  I’ve got to get back and tell them.”

                “No, Emma,” Regina said surprisingly calmly, considering her heart felt like a block of ice right then.  “You have to get back and tell them, and then you have to keep Henry near you at all times.  Remember, I was the one to set the Blind Witch on fire.  So she may try – “  But she couldn’t finish.

                Emma, on the other hand, looked even more alarmed than before.  “I’ll double the guard AND keep him near me,” she said.  “I’d bring you with me if I could, Regina.”

                “I could always come – “

                “NO,” Emma and Regina said in unison to Maleficent.

                “You’ll only inflame the situation, Mal,” Regina added.  “Emma, I would suggest not telling Aurora, Philip or Mulan about Maleficent yet.  It might be best if they find out after Gretel is safe.”

                “You think she’s still alive?”

                Regina grimaced.  “She likes . . . fattening up her prey first.”

                From the way Emma’s face grew even paler, Regina knew she was picturing something similar to what she was – Henry in a cage while the Blind Witch tests him for plumpness.

                Emma didn’t even say goodbye, but Regina could forgive the rudeness just this once.

                “As for you, Mal,” Regina said, suddenly exhausted, “I would greatly appreciate it if you could keep the troublemaking to a minimum until Emma returns with better news.  I’m actually rather glad you’re alive, and I’d hate to have to kill you for real.”

                Maleficent rolled her eyes.  “Oh, don’t worry.  I think I’ll do some shopping.   Who knows?  I might even pay for some of it.”

                Her “friend” disappeared a moment later, leaving Regina to wonder how this whole thing got so dreadfully out of hand. 

                If Jafar or the Lich King or even DR. JUMBA shows up today, I won’t be held accountable for my actions.

                To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

Day 24

                (Regina supposed she should have entered the names of the new arrivals like usual, but the circumstances were rather special.)

                “So,” Maleficent said as Regina picked at a salad at her desk, tasting nothing she put into her mouth, “what’s all that doing there?”

                Regina glanced in the direction Maleficent was pointing. “It’s toilet paper. Modern marvel.”

                “I know what toilet paper is, I read a lot of magazines yesterday besides the last six issues of Vogue. Delightful, that one is. Granted, the clothing stores in this village aren’t exactly high-end, but that’s nothing a little magic didn’t cure.”

                Maleficent’s outfit looked like it cost a hundred thousand dollars and would be out of style in a month.

                “But why is there so MUCH of it? You’re not having problems with your bowel movements, are you, Regina?” she asked with mock sympathy.

                Regina grimaced and threw down her fork as the last remnants of her appetite vanished. Mal didn’t seem to be having any difficulty with HER lunch. “It’s one of many things they can’t reproduce yet in the Forest. Emma made a casual remark about it, and I’ve been stockpiling it ever since. For Henry, you know.”

                “Mmm-hmm.”

                “You don’t sound very believing.”

                “That they don’t have toilet paper in our very own King’s Landing? That I believe.”

                Clearly Maleficent’s reading had included a TV Guide or two.

                “That you’re just doing it for your son, not so much,” Maleficent went on. “What’s going on between you and your personal Marshal Givens?”

                Maybe three TV Guides. What a show-off.

                “I don’t know what you mean, beyond she’s the only halfway reliable defense Henry has against a literally bloodthirsty witch,” Regina retorted.

                “That, and apparently she makes her fashion statements look good,” Maleficent said smugly.

                Regina held back a groan. “Only you would interpret me insulting you as some kind of innuendo.”

                “Oh, please, Regina. Don’t lie to a liar. It’s not like we first became friends because of my sparkling wit and encyclopaedic knowledge of transfiguration.” Maleficent grinned at her. “Well, maybe a little of that. But it was also because I was the hottest piece of ass you knew who didn’t want to run you through or clap you in irons.”

                She felt ill. “Where on earth did you hear an expression like ‘hottest piece of ass’?!”

                “Maxim.”

                It figured. “Don’t make me laugh, Mal. Or throw up. I know you’re just as full of yourself as I’m full of myself, but – “

                Maleficent shrugged. “Deny it if you like, or maybe you just don’t remember that far back, seeing as how you’re a great-grandmother now.”

                “By marriage!” Regina shot back, mortified. “A marriage which ended quite some time ago when I arranged for my husband’s death. And need I remind you that you’re about as old as I am?”

                “Need I remind you of the time you made a pass at me after you’d gotten completely plastered because of some scheme that had failed – I forget which, there were so many, not that I’m in a position to judge.”

                “Maybe I passed out on you,” Regina said defensively. “And whatever it was I may have done, clearly my judgment was impaired.”

                She was willing Maleficent to drop it for once, but Maleficent NEVER dropped a topic she brought up until it was beaten to death. (For that matter, Mal didn’t stop until something was beaten to death in a lot of other situations too.) “I would have said yes, if it wouldn’t have been such a monumentally bad idea,” she said casually as she sipped at her drink.

                This surprised Regina enough that she didn’t even consider the possibility that Maleficent was just trying to draw her out. “You would have?”

                “Mm.” Maleficent nodded. “You were one of the extremely few people I could bear to look at without becoming homicidal, something which, for all your Curses, hasn’t changed much. I wasn’t interested in destroying that, and knowing you as I did, I expected you would have reacted rather poorly once you’d sobered up the next morning.”

                Regina truly had no memory of what Maleficent was describing . . . but if she was being totally honest with herself (while lying through her teeth to Mal), it sounded like something she would have done when she was younger, and horribly lonely. But yes, if she HAD woken up in bed one morning with a hangover and a nude Mal, then a lot of things would have burned that day.

                “Well,” Regina finally said, “I suppose it could have happened in the theoretical sense, once.”

                “Oh, I know,” Maleficent replied. “You haven’t looked at me that way in quite a while. Now, Sheriff Swan, on the other hand – “

                “Mal, while I may have – reevaluated some of my original impressions of her over time, I have not left a small – “

                “Small mountain?”

                “A small pile of toilet paper near the portal because I’m secretly in love with Emma Swan.”

                “Oh, I’m not saying you’re in love with her.”

                “It’s about time you – “

                “You’re only lusting after her, and way too repressed to even realize it.”

                Regina glowered at Maleficent, who looked as unrepentant as ever. Then she glanced, not at the toilet paper, but at the portal next to it. “Have you been trying to take my mind off of – you know?”

                Maleficent shrugged. “Maybe. I like to keep you guessing.”

                “Hmph. I highly doubt ‘What is Maleficent Thinking?’ would be a very popular game show. A more accurate explanation would be that you’ve simply never been very good at articulating - ”

                Wherever their banter would have taken them next, they’d never know, because the portal picked that moment to become quite busy.

                First to emerge were the Tillmans – blessedly, all three of them. Michael was clutching Ava in his arms while Nicholas was practically on his footsteps.

                Regina quickly rose to her feet. “Is she – “

                “She’s going to be fine,” Michael said grimly. “Eventually.”

                She couldn’t follow up with that right away because Archie Hopper appeared just then. “You go ahead, Michael, I’ll be there in a minute.”

                Michael looked at Maleficent like she was some kind of rabid dog before quickly leaving Regina’s office.

                “Doctor,” Regina said, assuming he’d have more information to share, “what has happened? My son, is – “

                “Henry is all right, Regina,” Archie assured her. “Once we knew the Blind Witch might be alive, Ruby was able to track her scent. We found both her and Ava in a cave together.”

                “So she IS alive,” Regina said.

                “Very much so,” Archie replied. “Ava was unharmed physically, but she was severely traumatized by the experience, she hasn’t said a word to anyone since she was found. Her father brought the children here because I can treat Ava more effectively as a human. I had asked the Blue Fairy to allow me to take human form in the Forest temporarily until Ava was better, but – “

                “Let me guess, she said something along the lines of ‘rules are rules’?” Regina asked.

                “That’s almost exactly what she said,” Archie said, surprised.

                Regina wasn’t. Emma had been quite accurate earlier. Blue really was a heartless, sanctimonious bitch.

                “Anyway, I thought under the circumstances, a brief exception would make more sense. Blue and Snow, however – “

                “Under WHAT circumstances?” Regina interrupted.

                Archie glanced back at the portal.

                “Oh, no,” Regina said, guessing at what he was about to say. “No, they are NOT bringing her HERE.”

                “Emma thought you’d approve of keeping the Witch here, as opposed to in the Forest where Henry is.”

                “Noooo, Doctor, I would approve of keeping the Witch in the FOREST and my SON here. Keeping the Witch here – “ Regina stopped. “Was this Emma’s idea originally?”

                “I really can’t say, Regina. Emma will be here momentarily, why don’t you ask her yourself? I need to get to – “

                Regina waved a hand. “Fine, just let me know later, if you CAN say, what the girl’s condition is.”

                “I’ll do what I can,” Archie said before hurrying out.

                “My, my,” Maleficent said. “This crappy town of yours just gets busier by the minute.”

                “Mal – “

                Naturally Emma was the one to interrupt this time. Regina didn’t bother to say anything to her, merely giving the sheriff her best mayoral glare.

                Emma didn’t seem all that startled by it. “I’ll explain in a minute, just hold on. I had to make sure the kids were out of the office by now.”

                “If you’re going by maturity level, I’m looking at two kids now,” Regina retorted.

                “Gee, thanks,” Emma muttered before stepping right back into the portal.

                The blonde who arrived a second later wasn’t Emma, and she didn’t walk through the portal. Regina couldn’t make out her features, primarily because she appeared to have been shoved face-first through it, but judging by the chains, she guessed it was the Witch.

                Before the Witch could even begin to rise, Regina marched toward her and grabbed her by the hair. Lifting her head up, she could see it was the Blind Witch, but only because she was looking for the resemblance. It was easier to recognize who she’d been in Storybrooke – Candy Crumb, a name which must have been the Curse’s idea of a truly sick joke. Ms. Crumb was the court stenographer and the judge’s clerk previously, despite being myopic and the most obese woman in town. Now, however, her formerly fat cheeks looked rather flaccid.

                Regina sneered at her. “You look like you’ve lost some weight, Candy,” she said. “I suppose the pickings are rather slim, now that every child in the Forest has been read bedtime stories about the evil witch and her gingerbread house. Not to mention all those Americanized parents who have to know where their children are at all times. I bet they even have Amber Alerts in the Enchanted Forest now.”

                The Witch had presumably switched back from blindness to astigmatism once she re-entered Storybrooke, but without her glasses, all she could do was squint at Regina. Still she raised one eyebrow, as if to say, Oh, and you’re not one of those parents yourself?

                Emma returned then, but this time she wasn’t alone. With her was a woman of Asian descent who could only have been Mulan. Maybe she was here as a prisoner escort, but Regina thought it much more likely that she was here to find Maleficent. That blabbermouth Snow had probably tattled on Mal the instant the Blind Witch was located.

                “I see it didn’t take long to find her,” Regina said.

                “Not long at all,” Emma agreed. “Once we had the lead, we located the Witch’s gingerbread house. It was vacant, but Ruby was able to obtain her scent from the place, and eventually that led us right to Ava.”

                “There were no casualties,” Mulan added, glancing at Regina before looking once more at Maleficent. “The Witch barely put up a fight.”

                “You two haven’t met, right?” Emma asked. “Regina, this is – “

                “Mulan, I guessed,” Regina said. “You may have noticed we don’t have many people who look like her in the Forest. I think there are more minorities in Salt Lake City, actually.”

                “And you’re the Evil Queen,” Mulan replied. She looked at Emma. “Are you going to ask her?”

                “No, Mulan, I’m not,” Emma said.

                “Your mother specifically told us – “

                “I know what she told us. I’m still not going to do it.”

                “Maybe you can disobey a request from your mother, but I cannot disobey a direct order from the queen,” Mulan pointed out.

                Emma sighed.

                “Is this about the Witch being kept here?” Regina asked, annoyed.

                “No, this is about the Witch being in the Forest,” Mulan replied. “I assume this is Maleficent. Aurora described her.”

                Not that there was any point in hiding who she was anyway, but Maleficent gave it away when she scowled thunderously at the mere mention of Aurora’s name. “Of course I’m Maleficent,” she said coldly, rising to her feet.

                Regina suppressed a smile at the way Emma’s eyes widened, taking in exactly what Mal was wearing. She glanced at Regina. Is that outfit for real? Emma mouthed.

                You should see her wardrobe at the castle, Regina mouthed in response.

                “The Blue Fairy,” Mulan said, not noticing how this time it was Emma who looked angry at the sound of someone’s name, “thought it was highly coincidental that Maleficent was found to be still alive by Regina, and that Maleficent then volunteered similar information about the Blind Witch, so soon after the Witch abducted Gretel. She hypothesized that there might have been some form of collusion between the witches.”

                “Fair is foul, and foul is fair”, Blue Fairy.

                “And you don’t agree,” Regina said to Emma.

                “Henry was really freaked out when he thought something happened to Ava,” Emma said quietly. “No way you’d be a part of that.”

                Regina’s heart seemed to swell for a moment, before she caught the meaningful, yet sardonic look Mal gave her. Smug bitch.

                “It was Snow who was the first to suggest that Regina was part of the plot, Emma,” Mulan reminded her. “The Blue Fairy’s original observation was that Maleficent could have been surreptitiously using the portal to move back and forth between Storybrooke and the Forest, and she arranged for the Witch to kidnap Gretel at the same time as her ‘return from the grave’, so as to curry favor with the Charmings by providing vital information that helped secure Gretel’s freedom. Regina would not have to have been involved at all.”

                Maleficent laughed scornfully. “Is that glorified blue mosquito serious?”

                “She never did have a sense of humor,” Regina observed.

                “Look – Mulan, is it? Mulan, the last thing I’m interested in is currying favor with any of you royal goodies. Regina here had to talk me out of plotting to kill Princess Aurora for the time being before she’d permit me to come to the surface.”

                Mulan’s face hardened, and her hand casually slid to where her sword was clipped to her belt. “Yes, that’s something else we should discuss,” she said icily.

                “Not now, Mulan?” Emma asked. “I promise you can intimidate the evil sorceress later. Right now we have to get Witch Number Three into a cell. Can you find your way to the police station? I need to - ”

                “I hardly think it’s necessary for Mulan to go blundering about Storybrooke with a dangerous prisoner in tow, Sheriff,” Regina said, rolling her eyes as she imperiously waved a hand. A cloud of purple smoke swallowed the Blind Witch up and made her disappear.

                Emma rubbed the left side of her head like she was getting some form of headache. “That’s fine, Regina, but Mulan has to go there anyway. It’s not like we can just leave her alone in a cell. She is a WITCH after all.”

                “I’ll just ask someone if I have a hard time finding it,” Mulan said as Regina opened her mouth to object. The longer Mulan and Maleficent were in the same town, the more inevitable a conflict between the two would become.

                “No offense to Mulan,” Regina finally got to say, “but she’s a warrior, not a magician. If the Blind Witch uses magic, there’s little she can do.”

                “My sword can deflect magic, actually,” Mulan told her.

                Regina had a hard time believing that, considering Mulan came from a world where magic was in very short supply.

                Her skepticism must have been obvious to Mulan, because she then added, “It certainly worked against your mother.”

                Regina stiffened.

                Maleficent looked at her curiously. “Cora? The mother who made you her whipping boy? I thought you said she was dead.”

                Suddenly a conflict between Mulan and Maleficent sounded just great to Regina. “Even so,” Regina said icily, “it would be best if we could make sure the Blind Witch can’t cast magic at all. Maleficent, perhaps you should go with Mulan and devise a means of enchanting her bonds or her cage so that she can’t use her powers.”

                Emma looked at Regina, startled. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

                “Someone has to do it, and Mulan has no powers of her own. If Maleficent doesn’t do it, you or I will have to.”

                “Actually, Regina, I think it’s an excellent idea,” Maleficent said, smiling widely at Mulan. “I can’t wait to hear the latest gossip on dear Aurora.”

                If Mulan could have drawn her sword through the sheer force of will, it looked to Regina like she would have. “Yes,” she replied. “I think we should discuss Aurora in great detail.”

                Emma silently watched them go out together. “Is this because they mentioned your mother?” she asked.

                “No, this is because I would like to discuss what led up to the Blind Witch being HERE, and I would prefer doing it without my best frenemy and a woman I don’t even know in the room.”

                “Yeah, uh,” Emma said, “you’re probably going to get to know Mulan better.”

                “You must be joking,” Regina said. “I can’t have those two within range of each other for more than a couple hours, they’ll end up destroying a town block.”

                “Not if the alternative is going back, Regina,” Emma told her. “I don’t think Mulan can take it any more.”

                “Take what?”

                “Aurora and Philip. They’ve been all lovey-dovey and googly-eyed together ever since we got to the Forest,” Emma said. “I’m pretty sure Mulan was carrying a torch for Aurora, and now she just looks at them, and I’m afraid she might snap.”

                Regina blinked. Between Mal’s insinuations and Mulan’s love life, it seemed that lesbians were something she couldn’t get away from that day. “You warn her then, and I’ll speak with Maleficent.”

                Emma nodded. “Where did she get that outfit anyway? Does the portal lead to Paris now?”

                “Magic, obviously.”

                “Magic,” Emma repeated darkly. “I can’t find anyone who’ll teach me white magic over there, Regina. Ever since I got into it with Blue, no one’s seemed particularly interested.”

                “That topic can wait,” Regina snapped. “Why is the Blind Witch here and not in the Forest? The Doctor was maddeningly short on both details and time.”

                “Blue suggested it first, and Snow agreed right away,” Emma said. “I thought it kind of made sense, since it meant she’d be here while Henry was there.”

                Regina sneered – well, perhaps not AT Emma, but in her direction. “Yes, and as for Grace and the Schumacher girls and the other children in Storybrooke – “

                “Oh, come of it, Regina, that’s not why you’re pissed. You’re pissed because you think this is intended to keep Henry away from Storybrooke,” Emma interrupted.

                “Isn’t it?”

                “I’m not leaving until I’m sure the Blind Witch has been completely neutralized,” Emma said. “Because no, I’m not ignoring Grace and the Schumacher girls and the other children. If I think they’re safe from the Blind Witch, then that makes Henry safe too.”

                Regina felt slightly mollified by this, since she recognized Emma’s obvious sincerity. “That may be your opinion,” she pointed out, “but that’s not what everyone else will say. And that’s the other reason Blue and Snow sent her here.”

                “What is?”

                “Sheriff, she’s a witch who kidnaps and eats children. If you were a peasant farmer with six kids, would you want to live in the world where the Blind Witch IS, or the world where she ISN’T?” Regina felt her disgust rise again. “They’re using her to slow down the exodus of people from the Forest to Storybrooke, perhaps reverse it entirely. Once word about Elsa got out, they must have known the situation had gotten desperate.”

                “That’s not a crazy idea,” Emma admitted. Then she looked quizzically at her. “Elsa? Who’s Elsa?”

                “Who’s Elsa?” Regina repeated, confused. “Obviously I mean – “

                Don’t tell me, let me guess.

                “Sheriff, have you spoken to Kathryn Nolan recently?”

                “I know she showed up at the castle not long before I learned of Ava’s disappearance,” Emma said. “I heard she had some kind of private meeting with . . . “

                “Snow White and the Blue Fairy?” Regina asked angrily.

                “And my father, but yeah,” Emma said. “Why?”

                Regina might almost have been impressed by Snow’s manipulations, if she wasn’t quite positive that judgmental bitch Blue was the one most responsible. “Queen Elsa from Frozen recently showed up here.”

                Emma’s eyes grew wide. “No shit.”

                “Precisely. Since the issue was raised earlier that Snow White wouldn’t believe Hades was in Storybrooke solely because of my word and a photograph, I felt an eyewitness report from Kathryn about the subsequent arrival of Queen Elsa would be harder to deny,” Regina said. “Not to mention the fact that she’s still here.”

                “Whoa,” Emma said. “That news should have spread all over the Forest by now, but I haven’t heard a word yet.”

                “Because Snow White buried it.” Regina felt the sudden urge to break something, mainly Snow White’s face. Pity she wasn’t there. “I saw stories on the Internet about families waiting five hours at Disney World so that their children could have their picture taken with actresses portraying Queen Elsa and Princess Anna. Not for a ride or a movie or even a musical number, Emma,” Regina said. “Five hours for a photograph with two women who resemble characters from Frozen.”

                “You think that if word got out that the real Queen Elsa was in Storybrooke,” Emma said slowly, “every kid in the Forest would be begging their parents to bring them back here.” She narrowed her eyes. “Maybe you were even hoping that would happen.”

                Regina shrugged. She never said she wasn’t manipulative.

                “But now that the Blind Witch is here,” Emma continued, “most parents won’t want their children within fifty miles of her, no matter how much the kids plead.”

                “Exactly,” Regina said. That was when something new occurred to her. “Blue said that the timing of Maleficent’s confession was suspicious? If anything was timed suspiciously, it was the abduction coming so soon after Kathryn’s arrival.”

                Emma stared at Regina. “Regina, you can’t be suggesting that the Blue Fairy somehow arranged for the Blind Witch to kidnap Ava before word could get out about Queen Elsa.”

                “You said the Blind Witch barely fought when you found her.”

                “Yeah,” Emma said thoughtfully. “She was ranting about something when we showed up.”

                “Ranting? To the girl?”

                “I don’t think so,” Emma said. “It sounded more like . . . she was ranting to herself.”

                Regina frowned. “The Blind Witch isn’t even human, but she’s not insane either. That doesn’t sound like her.”

                Emma looked surprised. “She looks human to me.”

                “Did you think she consumed children merely for the taste, Sheriff?” Regina asked distastefully. “The Blind Witch is from a humanoid race of magical creatures, not unlike vampires. Only where vampires need blood to survive, her species depends on eating human flesh.”

                “That’s – “ Emma shuddered. “So that’s why she’s lost so much weight then. There haven’t been any reports of missing children other than Ava, so she hasn’t been eating.”

                Regina nodded. “That’s most likely. As long as she was in Storybrooke, her human body would have allowed her to eat anything, but once she returned to the Forest, the Witch would have reverted to her old dietary needs.”

                “That doesn’t exactly fit with your theory about Blue, though,” Emma pointed out. “The Blind Witch might have starved if she hadn’t grabbed Ava.”

                “Yes, but if she was starving to death,” Regina replied, “then why was Ava unharmed when you found her? Not that I’m not relieved, but the Witch should have cooked and eaten her once they were alone.”

                Emma rubbed her face. “She may be a Blind Witch, but she’s not a Deaf-Mute Witch. I think it’s time we go to the sheriff’s station and get some answers.”

                Regina couldn’t argue with that. She did have one other thing to say, however.

                “Thank you.”

                “For what?” Emma asked, surprised once more.

                “For – believing I had nothing to do with Ava’s disappearance,” Regina said hesitantly. “That I wouldn’t do anything to alarm Henry.”

                Emma smiled. “Regina, come on, you’re his mother.”

                Her words made Regina feel warm all over, much more than if it had come from anyone else.

                She wondered what Maleficent would have made of that.

                She didn’t want to, but she wondered anyway.

To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

Day 24 – Part 2

                Regina and Emma had chosen to walk to the sheriff’s station. By the time they got there, Regina was struck by a curious sight – Maleficent sitting in a chair close to the holding cell bars in which the Blind Witch was currently being kept. The Witch was on her knees, talking to Maleficent in a low voice, while Mulan stood a few feet away, watching them both like a cobra mesmerizing its prey.

                Upon noticing them, however, Mulan softly approached them. “The witches are talking,” she muttered, making the word “witches” sound like another word that started with a different letter.

                “And this doesn’t bother you?” Regina asked, surprised.

                “Maleficent has been questioning the Blind Witch about the events leading up to the abduction,” Mulan said. “If they’d said anything that sounded remotely like magic words, I would have had someone’s head before they could move a muscle.”

                “That’s as may be, Mulan, but I have questions of my own.”

                Mulan shook her head. “The Witch said she won’t talk to you . . . I’m not sure how to address you, actually.”

                “Mayor Mills will do,” Regina said absently, keeping her eyes on the Blind Witch, who finally deigned to look back at her for a few seconds. Regina doubted she could tell her apart from Emma with her abysmal vision, but her eyes didn’t have to work well to convey the sheer loathing the Blind Witch felt for the woman who’d tried to burn her alive.

                “We’ll wait in my office, Mulan,” Emma told her. “You just keep both eyes on them and one hand on that sword hilt until they’re finished.”

                Mulan nodded once and returned to her original position while Regina and Emma withdrew to the sheriff’s office and closed the door.

                “What do you think they’re talking about? Besides Ava, I mean,” Emma said.

                “They’re probably indulging in some shared invective about what a total bitch I am,” Regina replied as she leaned against Emma’s old desk. She wasn’t about to turn her back to either sorceress.

                “How exactly are you two friends?” Emma asked, looking mystified.

                Regina shrugged. “We didn’t really have many choices, what with being evil queens and witches and all,” she said. “It’s not as if Ruby Lucas was eager to be MY best friend.”

                Emma leaned back in her chair. “But you didn’t have that kind of relationship with the Blind Witch. Unless there was some incident where you tried to set Maleficent on fire that I don’t know about.”

                “Don’t get me wrong, Maleficent and I argued, and sometimes it got violent. The last time I saw her before I cast the Curse, I was rather rough with her,” Regina said. “But no, I didn’t ‘socialize’ a whole lot with the Blind Witch. She was a reclusive loner, staying in her little cabin.” She grimaced. “Eating her little children.”

                “Stop, please,” Emma quickly said. “I don’t like thinking about it. Why did you set her on fire?”

                “She had a spell I wanted, so I had Hansel and Gretel steal it for me. I didn’t want the Witch holding a grudge, so I killed her. At least, I thought I did,” Regina added.

                “Why did you attack Maleficent the last time you saw HER?”

                “She also had a spell I wanted.”

                “So what’s the difference between what happened with the Blind Witch and with Maleficent?”

                “I didn’t try to kill Mal.”

                Emma grunted. “Yeah, okay, that’s a big difference.” She looked around. “It feels weird sitting here again.”

                Regina snorted. “I take it you’ve gotten used to your throne.”

                “Are you kidding?” Emma asked. She rolled her eyes. “I only sit in that thing as much as I absolutely have to. Maybe this feels weird because, I don’t know, I never thought I’d be back.”

                “I’m sure that’s what all of you believed, the day you entered the portal . . . and left me behind,” Regina said bitterly.

                Emma didn’t answer her at first, leaving Regina to monitor the situation by the holding cell. “Do you know what the best part of my day is, living in the Forest?”

                Regina felt her heart clench like a stress ball. “Every minute you’re with Henry?”

                “No – well, yeah, obviously. But I was thinking of the part of my day that most reminds me of my old life here in Storybrooke,” Emma said quietly.

                For the first time Regina turned her head to give Emma her full attention – well, 99% of it anyway. “Really?”

                Emma nodded shyly. “I’ll get dressed, go downstairs, leave the castle, and head for town. Henry always catches up with me before we get there.”

                Regina sighed. “I suppose it would be too much to hope that he goes to school each morning.”

                “Oh no, he does. They haven’t built a schoolhouse yet, so they have temporary classrooms in the castle. Snow, I mean my mother, she teaches a few classes during the day. But some of the students, they live on farms that are pretty far from the castle, so school doesn’t start until those kids arrive. That gives Henry time to come with me,” Emma explained.

                She smiled. “People will say hi as they pass. Some actually even use my real name instead of ‘Princess’ or ‘Savior’. We’ll go into Granny’s Tavern. I’ll order coffee and a pastry, and Henry – “

                “Excuse me,” Regina said, “but that can’t be true. They can’t have begun cultivating coffee beans yet in the Forest, and any supplies they brought with them would have been exhausted long ago.”

                Emma chuckled. “Regina, I hate to break this to you, but I’m pretty damn sure that people have figured out how to smuggle items like coffee from Storybrooke to the Forest.”

                “Impossible!” Regina snapped. “My magic warns me every time someone passes through the portal. If that were true, I’d be hearing alarm bells all day.”

                “How precise is this magical security system you’ve got on the portal?” Emma asked. “Does it detect anything that passes through?”

                “Well, no, not everything. But it will detect any living thing that goes through, even one as small as a fairy.”

                “What about inanimate objects?”

                Regina didn’t answer that.

                Emma smiled and shrugged. “My guess is, at night while you’re asleep in bed, someone enters your office and passes valuable commodities like coffee through the portal to someone waiting on the other side, and they’re probably compensated for the trouble.” She chuckles. “Two-to-one it’s Leroy.”

                “That’s absolutely unacceptable,” Regina grumbled. “I’m going to have to put a stop – “

                “You’d better not,” Emma warned her. “You do that, and people like Granny will have nowhere else to turn but Rumplestiltskin for their supplies.”

                Regina very much doubted someone like Granny Lucas would be foolish enough to do that, but the thought of giving that man more customers killed her intentions to stop the smuggling for now.

                So instead, reminded of it by something Emma had just mentioned, Regina said, “Not to change the subject, but you mentioned earlier that you couldn’t find anyone to teach you how to control your inner white magic.”

                Emma’s smile turned into a scowl. “Yeah. I don’t think anyone wants to cross Blue, and obviously the other fairies are out.”

                “What about Nova? I thought of her when you mentioned Leroy’s name. Blue can’t tell her what to do any more.”

                “Yeah, but um, she’s living here now.”

                Regina looked at her like she was soft in the head. “So come here for lessons then. You were just saying how the best part of your day is the part that reminds you of Storybrooke. How bad can a few extra hours here be?”

                “I don’t know. I guess it depends partly on those two.” She nodded her head towards the three women in the middle of the sheriff’s station, two of whom were now approaching Emma’s door. Regina somehow doubted Mulan was one of the two Emma was speaking of.

                “What did she say?” Emma asked when Mulan had closed the door behind them while Maleficent took a seat.

                “No,” Regina said. “First, what precautions have been taken while she’s all alone out there in an ordinary cell?” she asked Maleficent.

                Mal, she thought, looked uncommonly grim. “I just placed a silencing hex on her cell. Until you or I removes it, the Witch can’t make a sound in there. Plus she’s wearing some sort of special shackles on her wrists which the Blue Fairy herself rigged up. Supposedly they’ll shock her into unconsciousness the next time she even thinks about using her hands to cast a spell.”

                “That sounds less than – constitutional,” Emma said, sounding the tiniest bit disturbed.

                “You would know better than I, I haven’t exactly read any history texts since I got out,” Maleficent said. “But Blue did her a favor sending her here.”

                “Why?” Regina asked.

                “Why do you think?” Maleficent asked in return. “You know what kind of creature she is. If they’d kept her there, she would have died of starvation. Unless they’d been willing to feed people to her, which I find rather unlikely.”

                “She really can’t eat anything else?” Emma asked.

                Maleficent chuckled mirthlessly. “If she could, she wouldn’t look like she does. Regina, the Witch is of two minds, and they can’t agree on a thing.”

                Regina paused. “You’re referring to Candy Crumb.”

                “Candy Crumb,” Maleficent repeated. “Was that your idea of being funny?”

                They really were too much alike at times.

                “But yes, Candy Crumb and the Blind Witch have been at odds ever since the Curse broke. I realize that no one in this room is stuck with two sets of memories,” Maleficent said, “but you must know plenty of people who do? How do they describe the experience?”

                “Most of them are pretty close to who they were before the Curse,” Emma said after a moment. “But they remember everything about their lives during the Curse, and I know it affects them in certain ways. Was teaching something she did a lot of when you knew Snow?” she asked Regina.

                “She didn’t have time to teach as a fugitive,” Regina said, “but afterwards, I highly doubt it. She never spoke of it to me when her father was alive.”

                “Well, I suppose the Blind Witch hasn’t been able to assert control as easily as most, then,” Maleficent replied. “And I’m not really that surprised. Imagine being a perfectly ordinary American woman, living in a small town in the middle of nowhere.” She paused. “Now, imagine waking up one day with extremely vivid memories of yourself killing, cooking, butchering and eating small children.”

                Regina felt instantly nauseous. She cast a glance at Emma, who suddenly looked like she’s contracted a case of seasickness. She suspected Emma was doing exactly what she was doing. Regina couldn’t stop herself from taking Maleficent’s theoretical a step farther, imagining what it would feel like to look at Henry and see only a feast.

                It was one of the most horrific feelings she could have possibly imagined.

                “I can see by your faces that you’ve thought about it,” Maleficent said calmly. “Well, that’s what the Blind Witch has been going through ever since the Curse broke. She said that while other people were celebrating that first day, she had her head inside a toilet for what felt like hours.”

                “What I think you’re saying,” Emma said before Maleficent could go on. “What you’re saying SHE’S saying, anyway, is that she didn’t lose all that weight because parents in the Forest are more protective of their children now. It’s because Candy Crumb won’t let her eat.”

                Maleficent looked at Regina. “Are you sure she’s a Charming, Regina? She doesn’t seem slow-witted enough.”

                “Just get on with it,” Regina sighed. “Do you think she’s telling the truth? This could just be a sob story of hers.”

                “I think it’s true,” Mulan said, speaking for the first time since they entered. “There’s this utterly bizarre look on her face when she talks, like she completely hates herself on the one hand, while she’s furious with herself for HATING herself on the other!” She shook her head. “Apparently that’s why she used to be so fat. She couldn’t remember what her favorite food was, so she endlessly experimented with different recipes and ingredients. Always so close, but never getting it right. And then when the Curse broke, oh yes, that’s right, it was the taste of – “

                “Don’t say it,” Emma said harshly. “Just – don’t.”

                “So why now?” Regina asked, trying to move the conversation onto a topic that was slightly less disagreeable. “Why did she take the girl?”

                Maleficent frowned. “Perhaps ‘how’ is a better question. She said why. The combination of starvation pains with Gretel, the girl who pushed her into the oven originally, the Witch says she was almost able to overcome Candy’s objections. Every time she made a move at the girl, however, she’d become physically ill.”

                Regina nodded as Maleficent spoke. “Yes, you’re right, that IS a better question.”

                “What, why?” Emma asked. “I get that she’s blind, but she’s a witch, isn’t she?”

                “Didn’t I tell you this before, Sheriff?” Regina asked impatiently. “Magic is about energy. How much energy would YOU have if you went without food for three weeks? Those extra pounds were probably the only thing keeping her alive.”

                “Fine,” Emma grumbled. “HOW did she take Ava?”

                “She won’t say,” Maleficent replied simply.

                “Why the fuck not?!” Emma exploded, standing up so that she towered over Maleficent. “We’ve already got her dead to rights. What the hell’s the big secret?!”

                Maleficent didn’t seem very bothered by Emma’s outburst. “I believe she had help.”

                Regina closed her eyes. “Wonderful,” she said.

                “Who would help a cannibal?” Mulan asked.

                “Other magical creatures who don’t mind eating humans, maybe,” Regina replied.

                “Or Rumplestiltskin,” Maleficent added.

                Regina’s eyes snapped open as she looked back at Maleficent. “What?!”

                Maleficent shrugged. “She was being extremely tight-lipped about the whole thing. Almost as if something was stopping her from sharing any details. Something like, I don’t know, a contract?”

                “You said earlier,” Regina said slowly, “that the Blind Witch told you she’d survived the fire by using the Phoenix. You also strongly implied that she had acquired it from Rumple. I don’t suppose the Witch told you what she paid to get it?”

                “No, she didn’t,” Maleficent answered. “But – “

                “But sometimes,” Emma interrupted with a bleak expression on her face, “all it costs you is a future favor.”

                “Oh yes,” Regina said. “He loves trading in favors.“

                Emma nodded. “I know you were thinking that the Blue Fairy set this whole thing in motion to deflect attention from the news about Queen Elsa – “

                “Wait, you’re not suggesting that the Blue Fairy – “ Mulan said, shocked.

                “Who’s Queen Elsa?” Maleficent asked at the same time, intrigued.

                “You might not be aware of this, Mulan,” Regina said, “but Blue has always favored the ends over the means if the ends are ‘good’ enough. And Elsa, Maleficent, is another traveler, specializing in ice magic.”

                “As I was saying,” Emma said, sighing, “I know you thought this was Blue’s doing, Regina, but you yourself told me that Rumple wanted you to bar entry to Storybrooke from the forest because it was depriving him of this little monopoly he’s got going over there. He’d be just as interested in scaring people off coming here, AND he’s the kind of person you’d expect to be allied to a person like the Blind Witch.”

                “How did he know about Elsa though?” Regina asked. “You said Kathryn only met with your parents and Blue.”

                “Uh, hello? He’s the Dark One? There’s probably thirty different spells he could’ve used to eavesdrop.”

                Regina nodded unwillingly. Blue was a self-righteous goody-goody who’d undeniably been involved in the decision to suppress news of Elsa’s arrival, but Rumplestiltskin made more sense. “All of this is probably moot,” she said. “We can just get the information out of Ava.”

                “Ava,” Mulan repeatedly incredulously. “Ava, the young girl who was so traumatized by being the prisoner of a cannibalistic witch that she’s with Jiminy Cricket right now? Who hasn’t spoken since being rescued from the clearly insane witch holding a grudge against her? Do you mean that Ava, Regina?”

                “Give her a break, Mulan,” Emma said. Regina was so startled by it that her angry retort died on her lips. “We’re going to have to interview the girl sooner or later. In the meantime, we can interview Archie. He’ll probably want permission from Michael first, but I’m sure he’ll give it if the alternative is asking his little girl some questions.”

                Mulan nodded after a brief hesitation, while Maleficent’s gaze moved from Regina to Emma and back again, all while looking quite self-satisfied.

                Great, Regina thought. Now every time Emma Swan is nice to me, Mal is going to make it out to be a sign of our great, and highly entertaining, romance!

                “No telling how long that initial therapy session will take,” Regina said instead. “I might as well inspect what you’ve done with the cell, Mal. Not that I’m suggesting you’d go so far as to lie about something, of course.”

                Maleficent sneered at her. “Of course,” she agreed.

                “But I might think of some improvements,” Regina went on to say. “While we think of something more permanent. I don’t think anybody wants to have to look at the Blind Witch every time they enter the sheriff’s station.”

                Emma frowned. “What about the hospital? Belle, she told me . . . “

                “She told you about where she was kept confined,” Regina guessed calmly.

                “Yeah, there,” Emma said. “Why don’t we keep her there?”

                Regina inclined her head. “What a surprisingly excellent idea, Sheriff Swan.”

                Emma rolled her eyes.

                “My, the two of you work together SO well,” Maleficent said sweetly.

                “I can’t fault Maleficent’s work,” Regina said ten minutes later. Of course, Mal was no longer there, or Regina would never have said that out loud. She’d slipped out five minutes before, and Mulan had followed, no doubt to see where Aurora’s archenemy had gone off to. Now Regina was alone with Emma and the Witch, who hadn’t stopped glaring at her with loathing. “It’s very thorough. I don’t see how the Witch can escape from here until we’re ready to transfer her to the mental ward at the hospital.”

                “You’re sure?” Emma asked.

                “I’d like to see Henry again some day, Emma. Yes, of course I’m sure.”

                “Okay, sorry,” Emma said. She hesitated. “Do you mind keeping the Witch here company for a few minutes? I have something to take care of, and then I’ll be back.”

                “Why not?” Regina said. “Who knows, she might get tired of glaring daggers at me, and open that mouth and those sagging cheeks for me?”

                The Blind Witch bared her teeth at Regina, who just smiled back at her.

                Emma smiled. “Thanks, I’ll be back soon. If Archie finishes with Ava before I get back, don’t wait for me. We need answers now, if there’s someone else back in the Forest who’s in league with the Witch.”

                “You don’t have to be so circumspect with me, Sheriff,” Regina said. “As you said, Rumple is a much more likely suspect than the Blue Fairy, and in truth, I can’t see Blue putting an innocent child in a situation where she could very well have been killed.”

                The Blind Witch looked down at her feet when she said that, while her lips moved soundlessly.

                “You never know,” Emma said, shrugging. “If it was always the most obvious guy, that old fart who was the sheriff on Murder, She Wrote would never have needed Angela Lansbury’s help in the first place.”

                Regina snorted.

                Nothing more was said, but for some reason, Emma briefly rested her hand on Regina’s shoulder before she stepped out.

                At least, Regina thought it was brief. The doors to the station had opened and closed a moment later. And yet, it felt like the weight of her hand lingered for far longer.

                Regina shook her head. She was letting Maleficent get to her, just what Mal wanted. They could barely even be considered friends, so she didn’t know where Mal could possibly be getting “repressed lust” from.

                Then she turned her attention back to the Blind Witch. “So,” she said brightly, “perhaps you’d like to tell me what you couldn’t tell Maleficent.”

                Despite what Emma had said earlier, though, it seemed that their prisoner was indeed the Deaf-Mute Witch, for she refused to speak to Regina or even acknowledge her existence until Emma returned an hour later.

                Instead of re-entering the station, however, Emma sent her a text. Come out, it said. I think we can take our eyes off her for ten seconds.

                Regina rose to her feet, cast a quick, disdainful glance at the Witch, and swept out the station doors.

                And found Emma with Henry.

                To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

“Out of curiosity,” Emma said, “is there anything stopping you from just chukking the dirty plates in the garbage every night, then going out and getting new ones the next day? I mean, if the store shelves just restock themselves every night – “

“A few things, yes,” Regina replied as she carefully washed another plate by hand in her sink. “One, it’s wasteful and it sets a bad example for the townspeople. If they see me hauling away bags of broken crockery every night – “

“Regina, no offense, but I don’t think most people in Storybrooke or the Forest are trying to emulate you.”

Despite the “no offense” remark, Regina still turned her head and looked at Emma’s face for a sign she was trying to be insulting. All she saw was matter-of-factness with a touch of a wry smile. And it wasn’t like Emma was wrong.

“That’s not the point,” Regina said. “I’m still the Mayor. If the Mayor can just throw away her dishes because new ones are appearing by magic in a nearby store, then everyone else will think it’s okay to do it too.”

“Still playing devil’s advocate here, Regina. Why would that be wrong?”

Regina sighed. “Tomorrow, in and of itself, it wouldn’t be wrong technically. But it’s a bad precedent. Sooner or later people will have to go back to paying for things, or this town’s retail economy will collapse all over again.”

“Yeah, good luck with that one, Regina. If Napster is any indicator, people aren’t going to agree to pay for things if they can get them for free.”

“They will if it’s explained to them. And Napster isn’t a good example. A digital copy of a song can be downloaded infinite times. The shelves in our stores carry a finite supply of goods that aren’t replenished until sometime in the middle of the night. If everyone just takes whatever they want, whenever they want, we’re going to have daily shortages. It’s simple economics, Emma. If there’s no price, soon there will be no quantity.”

Emma shrugged. “You know what else is simple economics? If there’s no money, there’s no purchase. People who don’t have much money aren’t going to pay for something that appears by magic overnight. It’s not like the store owner pays for it.”

“Exactly,” Regina said. “That’s one of the points I’m trying to get across, Emma!”

“Huh?”

“Sheriff Swan,” Regina told her, her patience diminishing, “you’ve just said that store owners don’t have to pay for retail inventory because of magic. Do you realize what that will do to their profits?”

“They’ll be making a fortune, sure, I get that, Regina. But that’s just another reason why people won’t pay. They’ll say prices are too high!”

“Yes,” Regina agreed. “If shopkeepers continued to charge the same prices.”

Emma paused. “You’re saying,” she finally replied, “the stores would drop their prices. Okay, right, they could afford to now. So people would still be paying, but they’d be paying less than they did before the Curse.”

“Everyone would be better off,” Regina said. “The store owners could slash prices and still raise profits at the same time. The consumers would have more money to spend on other products and services, which would benefit all business owners, which could also drive up demand, which could mean new businesses, new jobs, higher wages, which would generate new tax revenues to make up for the revenues lost.”

“You’re assuming that the store owners WILL slash prices.”

“If they don’t, they’ll be no better than price gougers, and in a small town like this, they’d become the richest pariahs next to . . . “ Regina could have said her own name, but for obvious reasons didn’t feel like it.

“Next to Gold,” Emma finished for her, a gesture which warmed Regina. “Then all you’d have to do is keep his sorry ass on the other side of the portal so he doesn’t jack up rents.”

Regina hadn’t thought of that. But then, it wasn’t like she wanted his sorry ass.

“Anyway, that’s the idea,” Regina said. “That’s why I’m not trading in my plates for a new free set every day. Besides, Emma, where do you think all of this town’s garbage GOES?”

Emma frowned, the thought clearly occurring to her for the first time. “There’s the landfill down on – “

“Yes, and what happens when that’s filled? What will we do next? This town is still cut off from the rest of the world, remember.”

“But – okay, yeah, less garbage is good then. But that landfill’s going to run out of room sooner or later. What happens then?”

Regina shrugged. “First we’ll need to figure out when that might be. It’s a challenge with the town population as unstable as it is. I have no idea how many people will be living in Storybrooke in a week, or a month, or . . . “

Emma looked down. “Yeah, that’s a good question,” she said softly.

It was a reminder that as strange as the day had been, it had felt even stranger from the moment Regina, her whole body alight with the warmth that came from having Henry in her arms, suggested that the three of them have dinner together at her house.

Emma had hesitantly accepted, and after Sidney had agreed to watch the Blind Witch’s cell from a mirror in the sheriff’s station, the three of them had walked together to the Mills home, Henry in the middle. It had felt quite surreal to Regina.

Henry had talked almost nonstop the entire way there, telling Regina about his classes and his horse and the castle and a hundred other things he hadn’t had time to tell her about the last time he was in Storybrooke. It had been bittersweet, hearing these things that she could never experience with him in the Enchanted Forest.

One subject he’d avoided rather carefully was Snow White, even though she was still his teacher for at least part of the day according to Emma. That kindness from him, Regina appreciated greatly.

Almost as soon as they arrived at Regina’s house, however, her phone had rung.

“It’s Dr. Hopper,” Regina told Emma. “Henry, the Sheriff and I need to take this call in my study. You can go upstairs and – “

She paused when she saw the very odd look cross Henry’s face. “Henry, what is it?”

“Nothing. Just . . . the way you said that, it was almost like you were talking about . . . Sheriff Graham,” he said quietly.

Regina winced. She glanced at Emma and saw her face darkening. “I understand, Henry,” she said quickly. “Emma and I will be in the study. I’ll call you when dinner is almost ready?”

“Okay,” he mumbled as he hurried upstairs.

A reminder of the man Regina had murdered, who had died right in front of Emma, was ill-timed to say the least.

“Dr. Hopper,” Regina said into the phone, totally unsure of what to say to Emma, “please just give us one more moment, and we can speak in private.” Then she looked again at Emma.

“I know where the study is,” the NEW sheriff muttered as she walked off before Regina could say anything.

Regina sighed and followed after her.

Once the door was closed behind them, Regina put the doctor on speaker. “How is Ava?” she asked.

“I don’t normally divulge what happens during sessions, Regina, but I know Emma spoke to Ava’s father, and he agrees that he’d rather I talk to you about this, as opposed to his daughter,” Archie said.

“Good,” Emma said. “So what did she say?”

“Unfortunately, not much,” he replied. “Gradually she opened up a little bit about her imprisonment. But she couldn’t speak of the actual abduction. It’s still too horrible for her, whatever happened.”

Regina and Emma exchanged a significant look, Graham’s death put aside for the moment. “It’s interesting you say that,” Regina told him. “We interrogated the Blind Witch, and while she had a great deal to say, she wouldn’t talk about the abduction either.”

Archie didn’t respond for a few seconds. “You obviously think that’s significant,” he said at last.

“Based on what the Witch said,” Emma answered, “we think either someone helped her kidnap Ava, or someone did the kidnapping themselves and then handed the girl over to her.”

“That’s – that’s terrible,” Archie said. “And the Witch wouldn’t say who?”

“She wouldn’t even say how, Doctor,” Regina said. “Which was odd, considering she admitted attempting to kill the girl. Her guilt is clear, so why hide details now?”

“You say she ‘attempted’ to kill Ava,” Archie pointed out. “I take it something stopped her?”

Emma scratched her head. “She stopped herself, Archie. I guess this is something you’d be an expert on, but it’s like Candy Crumb has become the Blind Witch’s conscience.”

“That would make sense,” Archie replied after a moment. “The woman she believed she was, without warning regaining memories of such monstrous acts, it would have been a profound shock to her system. I’ve seen a few other Storybrooke residents, I won’t say who, that also had a difficult time reconciling their two sets of memories, and they developed a case of something like split-personality disorder. Nothing so dramatic as what you see on television, of course, but their pre- and post-Curse personas would carry on internal conversations as if they were two different people sharing one body. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what happened to Ms. Crumb.”

“We thought as much,” Regina said impatiently. “But Ms. Crumb doesn’t seem any more willing to reveal how Ava was taken than the Blind Witch does. We think she’s under some sort of compulsion, magical or otherwise.” She paused. “We hoped that Ava could fill in the blanks, but if someone is forcing the Witch to remain silent, it would be logical if that someone has done the same to the girl.”

“It’s possible,” Archie admitted. “She absolutely refused to discuss what initially happened to her. She’d only talk about her captivity.”

“One second, Archie.” Emma leaned closer to Regina. “Is there any way for you to tell?” she asked quietly. “If something’s been done to her?”

Regina shook her head. “Magical compulsion is notoriously difficult to detect even a few minutes after it’s been cast. And even if it wasn’t, Ava’s silence could have been bought the old-fashioned way, such as threats of violence to her or her family. That being said, Doctor, did Ava simply refuse to discuss the kidnapping, or did it seem like she was trying to discuss it, but something was preventing her from doing so?”

“She’d just shake her head when I brought it up, so it could have been either.”

“So we’re back at square one then,” Emma said.

“It would appear so,” Archie replied.

Eventually Regina broke the silence. “Perhaps you can prepare a report on what Ava did share with you, and give that either to myself or Emma?”

“I was going to do that as soon as I was off the phone,” he said.

“Excellent. Thank you, Doctor.” She hung up without waiting for his farewell.

Emma sat down heavily. “You still think there’s a second person behind this?” she asked.

Regina nodded. “More than ever.”

“Shit. It might actually be safer in Storybrooke now.”

“Then I suppose it’s a good thing you brought Henry here,” Regina said. She waited, and when Emma didn’t respond, she added, “For how long?”

“Just the night,” Emma told her. “You know, school tomorrow and all.”

Regina looked away. “If you don’t want to have dinner here after all, and just leave now, I would . . . understand.”

“Why? Because of the Graham thing?”

“Yes,” Regina said quietly.

Emma looked at her fingernails. “How much did Henry know about you and Graham? Behind closed doors, I mean.”

Regina blinked. “He’s just a boy, Emma, he couldn’t have known much – “

“Did you see the look on his face when he talked about you and Graham going to be alone in your study, Regina? Tell me the two of you never got physical in here.”

She looked away, uncomfortable. “Fine, it happened.”

“Yeah, I thought so. I think our son briefly envisioned the two of US going in here for the same reason,” Emma pointed out.

Wisdom from the mouth of babes, Regina.

She was going to kill Maleficent all over again.

“More importantly,” Emma went on, “not to beat a dead horse, but you did some really bad things, Regina. Like what happened to Graham.”

Regina didn’t respond to that because really, what could she say?

“But,” Emma added, “I just remind myself that there are people in the Enchanted Forest who have done really bad things, who are probably STILL doing bad things, and nobody seems interested in punishing them. You, you’re paying for it in spades, every day you’re here without Henry.”

She hadn’t really thought of it like that, she’d prefer to think of it just as Snow being vindictive, but Regina admitted that when viewed like that, it was the perfect life sentence. “Then why bring him here? Why let me see him at all?”

Emma shrugged. “Today? Partly to make a point. I was really pissed about the whole Elsa thing.”

“What kind of point?”

“Well . . . “ Emma smiled slightly. “I showed up in the middle of one of his classes today. Snow was teaching, there were about forty kids there. And I was like, ‘Hey kid, come on, we’re going to Storybrooke for a little bit’. And of course, Snow goes, ‘Emma, you can’t do that, we’re in the middle of class now, and besides it’s not safe’.”

“Of course she did,” Regina muttered.

“So then,” Emma went on, “I say, ‘Don’t worry, Snow, it’s completely safe, no way the Witch is getting free. And I thought Henry might want to meet Elsa’. And she just gives me this look, like Don’t you dare. But it was already too late, I had thirty-nine other kids staring at me the second that name crossed my lips. Like on cue, Henry goes, ‘You mean Elsa from Frozen?’, I said I did, and we left and came here.” Emma’s smile had grown wider and wider. “The other thirty-nine kids, well, it must be interesting right now in THEIR homes.”

Regina chuckled. “You didn’t have to do that, you know. Not so publicly.”

Emma shrugged. “Well, since my parents and that blue bitch handled it so privately, I figured I’d compensate.”

“You really should be more careful, Emma. You may be the Savior and the princess, but there is strong evidence that someone in the Forest is up to no good, and if you go on causing trouble, you might get into trouble yourself,” Regina said.

“There you go again, acting all concerned for my well-being,” Emma said dryly. “It’s not like you, Regina.”

Regina didn’t respond right away.

“Having friends isn’t like me either, but there you are,” she at last replied casually.

Emma stared at her. “We’re – you think we’re – “

“You’ll have to forgive my presumption, Emma,” Regina said. “You are, of course, free to continue NOT thinking of me as a friend. As you say, I’ve done very bad things.”

Emma seemed to stare at her even harder. “If you’ve been practicing how to lie without setting off my superpower, you’ve gotten really good at it.”

Regina scoffed. “I think that so-called superpower of yours is a little overrated, my dear. And anyway, why is it so hard to believe?”

“Um, because you hate me? You hide it well, but you already hated me before I ended up with sole custody of Henry,” Emma pointed out.

“I ENVY you for having custody of our son, I don’t hate you for it,” Regina replied. “Snow I hate. She was the one responsible, not you. And as for the rest . . . “

Regina had gradually found that she had little reason left to hate Emma at all. It had been different when Emma first arrived. Then she’d seemed like the living embodiement of everything she feared and despised, a constant thorn in her side who threatened her world at every turn. Now that the Curse was broken and her world had gone completely topsy-turvy, however, many of the reasons Emma had aggravated her so had simply gone away. This also allowed Regina to acknowledge and appreciate Emma’s better qualities.

Like her ravishing beauty?

Thanks to Maleficent’s insinuations, some sly and some quite blatant, Regina’s subconscious was now doing the sorceress’ work for her. For the first time Regina wished she could rip people’s brains out instead of their hearts. She’d start with her own.

Instead of saying something complimentary for once, however, Regina only said, “Have you seen the way Maleficent and I talk to each other? I don’t know HOW to be friends with someone if they’re not trying to annoy me first.”

“Okay,” Emma said after a minute of silence. “That I believe.”

“How refreshing.”

“And I never really thought about it that way, but I suppose we are friends,” Emma admitted. “I mean, I tell you things I don’t tell anybody else. And I trust you, to look out for Henry, anyway.”

“And I you.”

Tentatively they smiled at each other. It wasn’t horrible.

“What was the other reason?” Regina thought to ask.

“For what?”

“You said you brought Henry to Storybrooke today ‘partly’ to make a point. What was the other reason?”

“Oh. Yeah,” Emma said. “Well, remember how I said that the best parts of my day are the parts that remind me of here?”

Of course she did. It was completely understandable, coming from someone who’d grown up in the United States, but it still had felt good to hear someone prefer the world Regina had Cursed into existence over a place so “wonderful” that they even called it the “Enchanted” Forest. Regina had even heard Snow White mention once or thrice that they should change the name to the “Enchanting Forest”. Gag me.

“So I’m pretty sure Henry misses a lot of things about this town too,” Emma continued. “Television, video games, comic books, chocolate.”

“None of which you miss, Emma?”

“Well, not the comic books,” Emma said, chuckling. Then she looked Regina in the eyes. “He really misses you too. The problem with punishing you this way, is it’s punishing Henry too. And I won’t have that, no way in hell.”

This was exactly the sort of thing Regina had been thinking about. Now that Emma was no longer this trashy interloper trying to steal the darling boy she’d thrown away once before, Regina could look at her and be thankful that the woman responsible for raising Henry in the Forest had the best and strongest kind of maternal instinct.

And for that, Regina could give the sheriff a compliment. “I think,” she said softly, “Henry is very lucky to have you.”

Emma looked absolutely shocked for a few seconds, and then she beamed like the sun.

Yes, the evening had been surreal indeed. Regina and Emma had put the troubling matter of Ava/Gretel aside for the night, and focused on a little normalcy instead. Regina had quite intentionally prepared the kind of meal they probably never had in the Forest, simply because she had access to a supermarket and the cooks at the castle didn’t. Judging by the way Emma had shoveled it down like a high-school wrestler, she’d approved.

She must have one hell of a metabolism to still have legs like those.

Regina sighed. That little voice inside her head had peppered her with remarks like that all evening. Enough to make her wonder just a tiny bit if Maleficent was possibly and by sheer luck onto something.

What she’d been considering for a while now wouldn’t help matters.

“Stay ,” she now said, shockingly impulsive for once, even as she handed Emma another plate.

Emma stared at her, looking at her like she’d just cursed in Polish. “What, here?”

“In Storybrooke,” Regina hastily amended. “You’ve said it yourself. Twice, in fact. You’ve said that the best parts of your day in the Forest are the parts that remind you of here. If that’s the case, then why are you still over there?”

“You’re – you’re serious,” Emma said, now looking bemused. “The Evil Queen, the woman who spent months trying to ship me back to Boston? Now that I’m basically gone, you want me back?”

Regina shrugged. “It makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. You’re not one of them, Emma. You’re a modern-day American, not a Renaissance Faire character.”

Emma shook her head, smiling. “It’s sweet that you’re thinking of me, but let’s talk about what YOU would get out of this.”

“Me? I’d get a half-decent sheriff.”

Emma laughed. “Yeah, and more incentive for people to move back here. You and I both know that one reason people are staying in the Forest is they’d rather be led by Snow White than the Evil Queen. You may not like it, but you know it’s true.”

Actually, Regina loathed it, but she did grudgingly admit that was true.

“But if the Savior is the Sheriff in Storybrooke again, then people know I’m here to curb any potential excesses of yours. Not that I’m saying you’re going to, I don’t know, build a throne outside City Hall and make people curtsey when they walk by, but other people might say that.”

“I’m a better leader than your mother OR that thug George!”

“Not going to argue with you about King George, Regina,” Emma told her. “But speaking of Snow White, maybe you want me to move here just so you can stick it to her all over again. ‘See, Snow? Your daughter would rather live in Storybrooke with me than in the Forest with you, nanny-nanny-boo-boo’.”

Regina sniffed. “I would never say ‘nanny-nanny-you-know-what’.”

Emma grinned knowingly. “And let’s not forget the teeny, tiny added bonus of having Henry here all the time.”

“I – “ Regina looked down. “Okay, fine, that would be wonderful. But how about we discuss what YOU would get out of it. Besides modern conveniences and being back in your comfort zone, that is.”

“Sure,” Emma said amiably, shrugging. “What’s your pitch?”

“Despite what you said earlier about me trying to ‘stick it’ to Snow White,” Regina observed, “something tells me you wouldn’t mind being around your roommate-best-friend-turned-biological-mother a little less?”

Emma’s smile vanished. “No! I mean, that’s crazy. She’s – “ Her shoulders slumped. “All right, fine, she’s compensating for twenty-eight years and it can be a bit much sometimes. And unlike the Blind Witch, SHE likes being Snow White just fine. It’s like I look at her and . . . I don’t see Mary-Margaret at all. Like she never was.”

“I’m sorry,” Regina said quietly after a moment. Something else Emma could lay at Regina’s feet if she so chose.

“It’s not totally your fault,” Emma said. “There are reasons why Mary-Margaret was my best friend, but Snow, I think she wants to forget she was ever Mary-Margaret, and so she tossed all those reasons out the window.” She looked sad. “I miss her. I’ve got other friends there like Ruby – fuck, I mean Red, I still keep calling people the wrong goddamn names.”

“One thing you never have to worry about with me,” Regina murmured.

“Yeah, you’re a bitch in two worlds,” Emma retorted weakly.

“At any rate,” Regina said, trying to move the conversation along, “you’d be the Sheriff again if you were here.”

“So?”

“What are you over there? I mean, what’s your – your title? Your job description?”

Emma grimaced. “Savior, of course. I, you know, save things.”

“And about how often do you do that?”

“Not too often,” Emma admitted. “And also I’m a princess, which I fucking hate. Every time someone calls me that it feels like an insult, even though they don’t mean it that way.”

Regina nodded. The word “princess” had a lot of negative connotations for most Americans, unless you were referring to Kate Middleton. “I bet you liked your job here better.”

Emma didn’t answer her.

“Also,” Regina said, “I believe I mentioned earlier finding you a magic tutor.”

“Maleficent?” Emma asked sarcastically.

“Emma, she’d be as much use to you as I would.”

“Less, probably. Unlike you, I doubt she’d give a shit if I accidentally set the castle on fire or something.”

Regina chuckled. “She would if Aurora was inside.”

“Anyway, you suggested Sister Astrid, aka Nova. That’s fine, I’ll talk to her, but you yourself said earlier that all I’d need to do is spend an extra few hours a week here. That’s not exactly a compelling reason to move to another dimension.”

“No, but . . . “

“But what?”

Regina sighed. “You were just complaining about losing a friend,” she said.

Emma started. “You?”

“Emma, we had a similar conversation a few hours ago – “

“Yeah, I know, friends, but we’re not exactly besties, Regina.”

“Well, I’m willing to try.”

Emma stared at her.

“Look,” Regina said, “Kathryn doesn’t despise me anymore, but our relationship may never be what it was before. Maleficent – she’s a largely unrepentant villainess who would still hit Aurora with a curse if they got within a hundred yards of each other, and as such, not exactly close friend material. I think you and I . . . tonight was nice, wasn’t it? It was practically domestic, in fact.”

“I suppose anyone might have thought we were Henry’s two mommies, sure,” Emma said dryly.

Regina looked blankly back at her. “But we are. His two MOTHERS, anyway.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “I meant like in the ‘lesbian side of Sears’ kind of way, Regina.”

Somewhere Regina could have sworn she heard Mal laughing, and to her horror, she found the words “Maleficent seems to think I’m in denial, that I’m repressing my lust for you” falling from her lips like a gold coin. (Well, she was the bad girl, so more like a toad, if you were a fan of that particular fairy tale.)

“You weren’t kidding about the ‘not exactly close friends’ thing,” Emma said, chuckling. “I mean, okay, you’ve had the ‘fairest of them all’ going for you for a while now – “

“Not Snow White?” Regina asked. “Everyone knows the Evil Queen is jealous of Snow because she’s more beautiful.”

Emma scoffed. “I loved her when she was Mary-Margaret, and I love her now that she’s my mom, but she was never your competition in the looks department. Ruby, maybe.”

Regina slowly smiled. “Why, Sheriff Swan, are you saying I’m the – I believe the expression Maleficent used earlier today was ‘hottest piece of ass’ in Storybrooke?”

The Savior almost dropped the mug she was drying as she stared at Regina in amazement. “Did you just say – “ she finally began to say.

“Apparently Mal has discovered the joys of men’s magazines,” Regina said wryly.

They stared at each other for another minute before they both burst out laughing.

When they’d finally started to calm down Emma, still smiling widely, said, “Honestly, yes, I’d say you’re the hottest piece of ass in Storybrooke.”

“Don’t sell yourself too short, dear,” Regina said slyly.

“Yeah, I guess we’d make a pretty hot couple,” Emma agreed.

Regina nodded, feeling oddly shy all of a sudden.

Emma just went on looking at her. “And more nights like tonight,” she said softly, “the three of us sitting around the dinner table, that wouldn’t be so bad.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” Regina said.

Was the Sheriff looking at her lips?

Kiss the girl.

Fuck off, Maleficent. Sebastian. Whoever.

Emma kissed her first, though.

But Regina kissed her back.

To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

Day 25

                Snow White (queen nincompoop)/Mary-Margaret Blanchard (10:10 AM EST)

                The Blue Fairy (sanctimonious bitch)/Mother Superior (10:10 AM EST)

Sitting at her desk the next morning, watching the clock more than anything else, Regina thought with some irony that last night’s kiss had been the least contentious moment she and Emma Swan had ever shared.  Perhaps it would have ended badly if Regina had been the first to make a move.  Emma could have gotten spooked, or she might have accused Regina of only trying to manipulate her into moving to Storybrooke like they’d discussed.  But Emma couldn’t very well do either of those things when she’d been the one to initiate the kiss.  And for the life of her, Regina couldn’t fathom an ulterior motive Emma might have had. 

It had lasted no more than thirty seconds, and it hadn’t led to anything more, but looking back, Regina could admit to herself that the kiss itself had been much less expected than how good it had made her feel.  Made them feel, if Emma’s expression had been any indication. 

At any rate, Emma had agreed to think about her future living arrangements.  “While you’re at it,” Regina had said before Emma re-entered the portal, “promise me you’ll keep an eye on your parents for the next hour or so.” 

“Why?” 

“I’m betting that one or both of them will be paying Queen Elsa a visit as soon as possible, in order to extend a royal invitation to visit the Enchanted Forest.” It’s what Regina would have done, and not just as a diplomatic courtesy. 

Emma had nodded.  “Before every child in the Forest can drag their parents here, you mean.  Not that they have to move back here to get Elsa’s autograph.” 

“Some people may not want to return once they have access to their twenty-first century lives again,” Regina had replied.  “Not going back to the farm after they’ve seen Paris, if you will. That’s not a chance Snow will want to take at this point.  And I suspect she – or your father - will head for the portal as soon as you take your eyes off them.” 

“You really think so?” 

Regina shrugged. “After what you pulled in front of Henry’s class yesterday? Even Snow White might realize you’re not in total agreement with her on this issue.” 

As it happened, Regina wasn’t completely correct. They’d arrived less than half an hour after Emma’s departure. But instead of Charming, Snow had brought the Blue Fairy as a traveling companion. 

“Regina,” Blue said, with a smile so saccharine that Regina could feel cancerous cells growing inside of her. 

Snow forced a sickening smile of her own. 

“Please stop making that death’s-head rictus, Snow,” Regina said. “If you’re going to look like a murder victim, I’d prefer it a little more true-to-life.” She didn’t bother rising from her desk. 

The queen’s smile vanished. “Regina,” she said coldly. 

“I suppose it’s too much to hope that you’re surrendering and moving back here. Although I can promise you that your old apartment is still vacant,” Regina replied, now oozing politeness because she knew it would aggravate Snow. “Blue, the convent is probably quite dusty. I don’t believe Nova ever moved back in, so it hasn’t been cleaned in some time.” 

“Surrender,” Snow scoffed. “Why would we want to leave the Forest, our HOME, after just a month there?” 

“Then would you mind stating the reason for your – visit?” 

“We came to meet Queen Elsa,” Blue said while Snow glowered at her. 

“Ah yes. You’re not the first to come with that purpose, but I’m quite positive you won’t be the last either,” Regina said. “Can I ask why?” 

Snow simpered at her. “Why, to welcome the Queen to our world, of course. As a visiting head of state, the people of the Enchanted Forest would love to give her a proper greeting.” 

“Maybe a banquet in her honor?” Regina asked innocently. “All are invited, especially children?” 

“I wish to ascertain why she’s here, and to make sure she’s no threat to us,” Blue told her, frowning. 

“A threat?” Regina asked, surprised by Blue’s words if not by her attitude. “Are you serious?” 

“If the movie is to be believed, she almost plunged Arendelle into permanent winter, Regina,” Snow White snapped, revealing that her hold on her temper was unusually frayed. “Until we know how accurately the movie portrayed historical events, AND how much control Queen Elsa has over her powers, we can’t know for certain how safe it is here.” 

Regina sneered at them both. “Goodness, Snow. You’re just grasping at any straw that will keep people from returning, aren’t you? What excuse will you manufacture for your subjects if Elsa doesn’t say the words you want to hear?” 

“Manufacture?” Blue asked in disbelief. “That sounds like a fancy way to say lie.” 

“Were you telling the truth when you told Nova you’d ‘reconsider’ granting her permission to be in a relationship with Grumpy?” Regina asked coldly. 

“I reconsidered it,” Blue growled while Snow looked suddenly uncomfortable. Oops, pick your bedfellows better next time, Snow. 

“For how long, two seconds?” 

“Blue, please,” Snow interrupted. “And as for you, Regina, don’t tell me you haven’t even thought about the danger Elsa could potentially pose to the people living here.” 

“I have, I did,” Regina said. “Nobody’s been turned to ice yet, though. Besides, she indicated to me that the events of the movie took place in the past. If ‘the movie is to be believed’, as you said, then that would mean she has her powers under control.” 

Snow glared at her. “You’re just loving this, aren’t you?” she finally asked. 

Regina knew what she meant, and yes, she was loving Snow’s discomfiture, but she chose not to interpret it that way. “Yes, Snow,” she replied, her voice dripping with scorn. “I am certainly loving the way you erected a barrier between me and my SON that I can’t cross!” 

“You’re the Evil Queen,” Blue said. “You committed horrible crimes, and you deserved to be punished for those crimes.” 

“Have you ever heard of prison?” 

“What do you think Storybrooke is?” 

Regina knew Blue had a wand with a pointy star somewhere. She wanted to ram it up her ass. “I don’t know, Blue.” She turned her gaze back to Snow. “What does Princess Abigail think Storybrooke is? Or Jiminy Cricket?” 

“I can’t speak for them,” Snow said, although she’d winced when Abigail’s name was mentioned. “But I think Storybrooke is the place where you, Maleficent, and the Blind Witch currently live. That’s three evil sorceresses too many, in my opinion.” 

“And I think the Enchanted Forest is the place where Snow White, Rumpelstiltskin, King George, and the Blue Fairy currently live,” Regina retorted. “That’s four assholes too many, in my opinion.” 

Snow White gaped at her, but Regina now had eyes only for Blue. “Just try it, Mother Superior,” she sneered, seeing how one of her hands glittered. “You throw one speck of fairy dust my way, and I’ll interpret that as an act of war between the Forest and Storybrooke.” 

“War?!” Snow said, gasping. 

Regina smiled at her coldly. “I’m sure Maleficent would positively adore seeing Aurora again,” she said. “Especially at the head of an invading force.” 

“Mulan would never let her succeed,” Snow replied. 

“Perhaps,” Regina admitted. “Care to gamble with Aurora’s life because you’re afraid you might lose, really lose, for once?” 

Blue chuckled suddenly. “Oh, Regina. Such bluffing. As if the people currently living in Storybrooke would take your side in a conflict with Snow White.” 

It was the perfect opening, Regina thought. “Really, Blue? I’m not even convinced that Snow’s own daughter would take her side,” she said with savage delight. 

And she’d been right, judging by how Snow White flinched. 

“Must be hard, Snow,” Regina continued viciously. “Knowing that the flesh and blood daughter my Curse took from you, she’s the one who undercut you not twenty-four hours ago.” 

“She didn’t realize what she was doing,” Snow said defensively. 

“I invited Emma to move back here with Henry,” Regina told them. 

They both stared at her in disbelief. “She must have laughed and laughed when you said that,” Blue finally told her. 

“She told me she’d think about it.” 

“No!” Snow burst out, horrified. “She wouldn’t! Not here, not a town ruled by a wicked, horrible woman like you!” 

“I’m horrible?!” Regina asked. “Who dragged Emma Swan, born and raised in present-day America, to the Dark Ages, to a world where she’ll never fit in, so she can be a fucking princess?” 

“It’s her home!” Snow said shrilly. 

“It’s your home, Snow!” Regina shot back. “But I guess everything is always going to be about you, isn’t it!” 

Naturally, the subject of their conversation picked this moment to blunder right into it. 

Emma took one look at the tears streaming down her mother’s face and – well, Regina probably looked a fright at this point. “I can’t leave you two alone for two minutes, can I?” she muttered. 

“Emma!” Snow said, surprised yet again. “Regina has been repeating the most horrid lies about you and – “ 

“You can’t really be thinking about moving back here,” the Blue Fairy interjected. 

“You just couldn’t wait to throw that in my mother’s face, could you?” Emma asked Regina, disapproving. 

Regina shrugged, feeling a tiny bit regretful. “No more than your mother could wait to run over here and snatch Elsa back to the Forest with her.” 

“It can’t be true?” Snow asked, dumbfounded. 

“Not now, Snow,” Emma sighed. “I mean it. We can talk about it when we get back to the Forest.” 

“Emma – “ 

“Not now, Snow. Not unless you want me to say yes right here and now.” 

Snow’s mouth snapped shut. 

Emma glanced at Blue. “I get why Snow came, but what do you care about Elsa?” 

Blue frowned back at her. “To be honest, not much. I came mainly to discuss this matter with the portal.” 

“Yes, the portal,” Snow repeated, clearly having forgotten temporarily. “Since we have verification that people from outside the Forest and Storybrooke have begun to emerge from the portal, something must be done before a truly dangerous threat arrives.” 

“Blue broke it,” Regina muttered. “Now Blue can fix it.” 

Blue looked disdainfully at her. “Not until I’ve had a chance to inspect the portal and figure out what’s wrong with it.” 

“So what’s stopping you?” 

“I’m not going to let myself be distracted by it until the Queen has spoken to Elsa.” 

“Get on with it then,” Regina said, waving a hand. “I’m not stopping you.” 

“You’re not?” Snow asked. 

“Elsa is just visiting. It’s completely up to her whether she stays here or travels to the Forest. I’m not her keeper.” 

“Then perhaps you can tell me where to find her.” 

“What part of I’m not her keeper did you not understand?” Regina asked through gritted teeth. “You want her, you find her.” 

Emma raised an eyebrow. “You have no idea where she is?” she followed up, sounding like she didn’t believe it for a second. 

Regina sighed. “I may have given her a prepaid cell phone with instructions on how to use it, in case of emergencies.” 

“Give me the number,” Snow said, sticking her hand out, while Emma just shook her head, this time more bemused than upset. 

“You forgot to say please,” Regina replied sweetly. 

Snow grimaced. “Please,” she mumbled. 

Instead of giving her the number like she asked, Regina picked up her landline phone and dialed it herself. “It’s ringing,” she said as she put it on speaker. 

There was a noise like someone answered the phone, but no one said anything. 

“Elsa?” Regina finally asked after a few seconds. 

“Mayor Mills?” 

The voice sounded like it came from far away, but Regina could still tell it wasn’t Elsa. Judging by their looks, so could the others. 

“Mulan?” Regina asked hesitantly. 

“Mayor Mills?” Mulan repeated. “I hear your voice – barely. Where are you?” 

“I’m on the phone,” Regina said, growing impatient. 

“What’s a phone?” 

“The small electronic device that I’m using to contact Queen Elsa, Mulan. Follow my voice.” 

“This is a phone?” Mulan asked a few seconds later, her voice louder. “It was making some very annoying noises a minute ago, so I pressed something and the noises stopped.” 

“It’s a means of long-distance communication, Mulan,” Emma said. She looked at the others. “It didn’t occur to me to explain what a cell phone is, okay?” she said. 

“Princess Emma?” Mulan asked, and Emma groaned. “Emma, I mean. What are you doing there?” 

“What are YOU doing there, Mulan?” Emma replied. “Where’s Elsa?” 

“Using the toilet.” 

“The toilet where?” Regina asked. 

“I – do not know. It is a vacant house somewhere. Elsa has been staying here temporarily.” 

Regina paused. “And why are you there with her?” 

Mulan’s voice suddenly became quite indistinct as she mumbled something. 

Emma closed her eyes. “Mulan, you horndog, you.” 

Snow White’s own eyes grew very round all of a sudden. 

Well, Emma did say Mulan had a thing for Aurora. And perhaps this explains why Elsa felt it was necessary to take a vacation in a separate dimension. 

“Mulan,” Regina said, “Snow White and the Blue Fairy are in Storybrooke on a diplomatic mission to speak to Elsa. So . . . you lovebirds can just take your time. Let them cool their heels for a few hours, no one will miss them in the Forest.” 

“I will inform Elsa right away that the Queen is here to see her,” Mulan said, sounding offended for no good reason. It wasn’t like Regina had said she was on a diplomatic mission. 

“Thank you, Mulan,” Blue said, apparently because Snow still appeared to be processing this new twist. 

Regina pressed the “end” button. “Close your mouth, Snow. We are not a codfish.” 

“Did – did you just quote Mary Poppins at me?” Snow asked indignantly. 

“I’m sure she would have said it if she was here.” Regina sighed. She looked at Blue. “Are you going to look at the portal now?” 

“After,” Blue said. “It’s not something I can just glance at and diagnose the problem right away.” 

“Fine, then the two of you can leave my office. Wait for Elsa outside or something.” 

“You can’t just order us out of here, Regina,” Snow White retorted. 

“What part of my office did you not understand?” 

“Snow,” Emma said tiredly. “Would you really prefer waiting in the same room as Regina?” 

Snow looked pained. Whether that was at the notion of spending more time with Regina than absolutely necessary, or at Emma not standing up for Snow’s intention to be a squatter, she couldn’t say. 

“I suppose you’re right,” Snow conceded. “Blue, let’s just wait outside the entrance to the town hall.” 

“Fine with me,” Blue said. “Perhaps we’ll encounter some other ‘residents’ of Storybrooke. Maybe we can remind them of how much better life is in the Forest. Who knows, I might even spot my wayward fairy.” 

“If you even think of dragging Astrid back to the Enchanted Forest, I’ll have you thrown in a cell with the Blind Witch,” Regina said icily. 

Blue stared at Regina for a moment in utter shock. “Just who do you think would dare follow such an order?” she asked scornfully. 

Regina pointed at Emma. “The Sheriff. I may have offered the Savior her job back when I invited her to move again.” 

“Well, she certainly isn’t going to accept,” Snow said. 

Emma was now giving Regina the look of death, probably for putting her in an admittedly thankless position. “I haven’t made up my mind,” she muttered. “Although Blue, if Astrid doesn’t want to go back, you can’t make her.” 

Blue sneered at Emma. “You know, maybe you should move back here. Being in the Evil Queen’s vicinity has changed you, Princess.” 

Snow made a little choking sound. 

“Look, just go outside and wait for Elsa,” Emma pleaded. “Otherwise the three of you are going to be sniping at each other all morning. I’ll be out in a minute.” 

With little grace, the queen and the fairy made their way out, although Snow shot wounded looks at Emma the whole way. When they were gone, Emma groaned. “You were not helping the woman you’re trying to convince to move back here.” 

“I apologize,” Regina said stiffly. “But I hated Snow White even before she tried to separate me from my – our son for eternity. You can’t really fault me for not keeping a very tight rein on my temper.” She paused. “But was I right about your mother coming here or what?” 

Emma rolled her eyes. “Yes, you were right. She made herself scarce as soon she could. Look, I’ve got to smooth things over with her, okay? But we’ve got to talk later. I think you need to speak with Frankenstein.” 

“Victor? Why?” 

“That discussion we were having last night about the landfill got me thinking,” Emma said. “I know you’re proud of the Curse in some really warped way, but there’s a lot of weird inconsistencies about it, and I think we need to study it more. Who better than the resident mad scientist?” 

“What do you mean, inconsistencies?” 

Emma sighed. “Not now, unless you want Snow coming back to find out what’s keeping me?” 

Regina grimaced. “God forbid. Go then. I’d like to see your mother try to talk a REAL Snow Queen into coming back to the Forest, with all the children expecting her to sing THERE.” 

“I’ll be sure to mention that,” Emma said, chuckling. 

Her pride in the Curse wasn’t warped at all. It had given Regina her son, AND it had ensured that Snow White couldn’t raise Emma in her own image. Really, what more could Regina have asked for? 

To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

Day 25 – Part 2

Two hours later, Regina received a phone call.

“Hey, could you just ‘poof’ over to Granny’s Diner?  Well, outside it, anyway.  It’s still locked tight and I don’t think Ruby would appreciate it if I told her I broke in.”

“Emma, I do not ‘poof’ places.  ‘Poof’ is barely a word at all, let alone a verb,” Regina said frostily. 

“Look, I don’t care if you teleport, apparate, or beam yourself over here, just do it.” 

Regina sniffed, displeased, as she pressed the End button on her cell phone. 

“For the record, I magicked myself here,” she told Emma once the purple smoke cleared. 

Emma didn’t look all that impressed.  “That’s the best you could come up with?  Since you’re going all ‘grammar Nazi’ on me, I’m pretty sure magic isn’t a verb either.” 

“Magick with a –k, Miss Swan.  Nova will back me up on this.” 

“Miss Swan?  It was ‘Emma’ a minute ago.  How is it that after all this time, you can’t consistently call me by the same name?” 

Regina smirked.  “Well, you see, different situations call for different appellations.  Sheriff Swan is what I would normally use when we’re both acting in our professional capacities, on those rare occasions when you’re willing to DO that.  Miss Swan is for those times when you’re being exceptionally obtuse.” 

Emma rolled her eyes.  “You’ve always been such a sweet talker.” 

“And Emma . . . well, there are those rare occasions when I feel something approaching fondness for you while we’re together.”  She reached out and gently placed a hand on Emma’s crossed arms.  “Maybe not so rare going forward.”

“Regina,” Emma muttered as her cheeks turned pink.  

“Now then,” Regina said, snapping back into business mode, “why did you ask me to come here?” 

“Oh,” Emma said, her cheeks now turning red from obvious embarrassment, “Snow and Blue should be leaving any minute now.  I figured if you were still there when Snow arrived, there’d be another ten-minute snark fest until she left.” 

“Hmph,” Regina grumbled.  “I suppose that’s a good reason.  Is Queen Elsa with them?” 

“Nope,” Emma replied as she sat down on a public bench.  “Maybe down the road, but not at this time.”

Regina raised an eyebrow.  “Why?  I assume Snow White did the full-court press with her niceness.” 

Emma chuckled.  “I think it was when Snow mentioned the big royal dinner that would be held in her honor, followed by the grand tour of the kingdom.  Elsa froze up – no pun intended.”

“Mm-hm.” 

“I get the sense she was looking for some kind of quiet getaway?” 

“Yes.  She also wanted her sister Anna to get some experience in ruling the kingdom, but I believe it had more to do with some ‘me time’.” 

Emma nodded.  “That’d make sense.  Elsa had a pretty lonely childhood in the movie.  She’s probably never had the chance to cut loose for more than a few hours before.” 

“A fling with a beautiful stranger?” Regina asked wickedly. 

“Shit, I knew Mulan wanted to get away from Aurora and Philip for a little while,” Emma said, bemusedly shaking her head, “but I didn’t expect her to jump into bed with someone else so quickly.” 

“It will be good for both of them,” Regina replied.  “It can’t lead to anything serious, since Elsa will have to return to Arendelle eventually, and Mulan certainly won’t be traveling with her.  Mulan gets her ‘rebound’ relationship to help her move on from Aurora, and Elsa, well . . . I imagine she will need to marry a man sooner or later in order to produce heirs to the throne.  This may be her one chance to act on any same-sex urges she has.” 

“That’s kind of – depressing,” Emma said. 

Regina shrugged.  “Who knows?  Maybe she’s bisexual.  Or maybe she’ll remain unwed like Queen Elizabeth I and make a future niece or nephew her heir.  How did Snow take the rejection?” 

“Of course you’d frame it as a ‘rejection’,” Emma said dryly.  “Graceful but disappointed, naturally.” 

“I would hope so.”  She grinned.  “She’s not pretty when she cries.” 

Emma looked startled. 

“What?  You haven’t seen how red and splotchy she gets?” 

“No, it’s just – “ 

“Just what, Emma?”

Emma leaned forward, like she was divulging a secret.  “I never noticed before, but you’re kinda hot when you’re gloating.” 

Regina blinked.  

“I guess,” Emma went on, laughing weakly, “that kiss flipped a switch or two.” 

She felt a little warm now herself, perhaps because Emma’s “gloating” remark had reminded her of the time she showed up on Emma’s door with a basket of apples and a crocodile’s smile, only to find the future Sheriff in nothing but a tank top and her underwear. 

Yes, no longer seeing Emma solely as a pain in her ass had definitely helped Regina to ‘appreciate her finer qualities’, all right. 

“Well then,” Regina said awkwardly, “I suppose it’s safe to return to my office by now.” 

“No, wait, stay,” Emma said.  “I told you, I wanted to discuss something with you.” 

“Ah yes,” Regina remembered.  “Some kind of inconsistency within the Curse?” 

“Yeah, but there’s more to it now,” Emma told her.  “I kept listening to Blue drone on and on about diplomatic missions and building ties, and it made me realize . . . we really need to be doing that between Storybrooke and the Enchanted Forest.” 

Regina stared at her.  “Are you serious, Miss Swan?” 

“Guess I’m being obtuse again,” Emma muttered under her breath. 

“Have you not noticed how poor relations are between myself and Snow White?” Regina asked angrily. 

“That’s not going to last forever, though,” Emma pointed out.  “Someone else is going to be King or Queen of the Forest again, and someone else will be Mayor.  I have to believe that the blood feuds will end eventually.” 

“And what does this have to do with the Curse?” 

Emma sighed.  “The Curse makes no sense to me, honestly.  Regina, why are there seasons in Storybrooke?” 

Regina didn’t answer at first, thrown by the sudden topic change.  “Well, I mean, the Curse can’t control the Earth’s climate, obviously, and – “ 

“Sure, but it could probably control Storybrooke’s climate.  Regina, for twenty-eight years the Curse stopped time.  It was literally playing with the time-space continuum like a cat with a ball of yarn.  If it could stop people from aging, what’s the point of things like summer and winter?” 

“The local flora, for one thing.  The Curse didn’t stop everything from aging, just the humans it brought over from the Enchanted Forest.  There’s a circle of life, no pun intended, Emma, and – “ 

“Pongo.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Pongo, Regina.  The dog.  Where did he come from?” 

Regina stared blankly at her.  “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what – “ 

“You just SAID, Regina, that the Curse only prevents aging for living things brought here from the Forest.  And Pongo has lived way longer than an ordinary dog should live.  So he must be from the Forest, right?  But why the hell would the Curse bring a dog over?  But if he’s not from the Forest, then where did he come from?  I don’t think Maine is known for its herds of wild Dalmatians running free, Regina.  Unless the Curse took an ordinary wild dog living here before Storybrooke existed and transformed it into a Dalmatian.  But that means the Curse can effect living things on Earth, so again, why are there seasons?  Why not stop the clock on everything?” 

“I think perhaps you’re overthinking this, Emma.  And granted, the Curse isn’t something we should all take for granted, but – “ 

Emma sighed.  “Regina, the Curse still controls a lot of what happens in Storybrooke, even after I broke part of it.  Memories came back, kids started getting older.  But the shelves still restock themselves and people can’t leave without losing their memories again.  If this town is going to survive, you need to figure out why the Curse makes things happen the way they do, and how to work around the problematic parts.” 

Regina was slightly annoyed by the fact that whatever point Emma was trying to make, it was lost on her.  “Emma, I feel like we’re having two different conversations here.” 

“Right, sorry,” Emma said.  “I wasn’t thinking any of this shit twenty-four hours ago, but ever since you brought up the local landfill, it’s just been one new idea after another, and I’m still trying to organize it all.  Regina, the Curse is keeping people in Storybrooke, but it’s not keeping them at the same age any more.  Which means people like Ashley are having their babies.  Assume everyone moves back to Storybrooke – what happens eventually?” 

It wouldn’t happen for quite some time, which was probably why Regina hadn’t thought about it before now.  “There will be an overpopulation crisis in Storybrooke, you’re saying.” 

“Yeah.  Maybe not tomorrow or in ten years, but eventually, this town won’t be big enough for everyone.  But there’s tons of room in the Forest.” 

Regina felt her lips pressing together tightly.  “It sounds like you’re suggesting we might as well give up now and all go back to the Forest.  Oops, except me.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying, Regina,” Emma said, exasperated.  “I’m saying that Storybrooke and the Forest could really complement each other if you and Snow weren’t going to always be at each other’s throats!  The Enchanted Forest has the acreage and the natural resources, Storybrooke has modern infrastructure and technology and an educational system.  Although not enough of one, Regina.  It’s not as if it has its own college, after all.” 

“So what would you propose?” 

Emma appeared to take a moment to collect her thoughts.  “If we leave the Curse in place, Storybrooke is going to become badly overcrowded one day.  People will either have to move back to the Forest, which they’re not going to do if it’s still stuck in the fifteenth-century, or they’ll have to move to other parts of Maine.  But to do that, we have to bring down the barrier, which means removing what’s left of the Curse.  And if that happens, I’m guessing all the other magic stuff disappears, including those self-sustaining store shelves of ours, and there goes your happy vision for a vibrant Storybrooke economy where everyone has more money.” 

Regina felt like she’d stepped into the middle chapters of Flowers for Algernon. 

“So the only good answer is to help modernize the Enchanted Forest,” Emma finished, “and without help from Storybrooke, that’s never going to happen.” 

“You’re right, it’s not,” Regina said.  “I’d sooner die than help your mother turn the Forest into the best of both worlds.  What good – “ 

“Regina,” Emma said. 

“What?!” 

“Are you the queen or the mayor?” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Because if you’re the mayor, then you have to do what’s in the best interests of your constituents,” Emma said very seriously.  “Even if it means making peace with Snow White.  But if you’re the queen, then you’ve been lying to everyone who walked through that portal, including me.  This is just your own personal fiefdom, and fuck everyone else.” 

Regina gaped at her. 

“And anyway,” Emma went on, brightening again, “it’s not like I’m saying Storybrooke would just shut down.  Storybrooke could be the residential and commercial area, while the Forest becomes more of a place for industry, and people just commute through the portal back and forth.  Or maybe the other way around.  That’s your area of expertise, not mine.  All I’ve got is memories of playing SimCity.” 

“Emma,” Regina finally said, “I can see you’ve really thought this through in a very short time.” 

Emma beamed at her. 

“But you’re forgetting something,” Regina continued, marveling at how gently she was going to break this to Emma.  “You said it yourself.  People would commute ‘through the PORTAL’.  Emma, we need to figure out how to close the portal, remember?  Before Jafar or Voldemort or the White Witch shows up and destroys the happy little community you’ve built?” 

She watched the sheriff just deflate.  “Oh yeah,” she said.  “That.” 

“It was an excellent idea, Emma,” Regina said.  “I was impressed, honestly.  And I suppose I could entertain thoughts of some kind of détente between Storybrooke and the Forest, although Snow today didn’t strike me as someone who would be all that keen on the idea herself.  Perhaps if we figure out how to remove the threat without shutting the portal altogether, you could present it to the city council.” 

Emma looked at her.  “Does Storybrooke even have a city council right now?” 

“Well, no.  There’s no point to elections when 95% of the total population still lives in the Enchanted Forest.  Although I wouldn’t be at all surprised if people like Kathryn ran for office when the time comes.”  Regina paused.  “Does Storybrooke have a sheriff?” she asked. 

“I haven’t decided yet.  If we DO shut the portal, then everyone will be trapped on either side of it.  And . . . I’d have to choose a side too.” 

Regina frowned.  “So you’d consider staying in the Forest with Henry and leaving me here by myself?” 

“Or we could move back here and I’d never see my parents or Ruby or any of them ever again?” Emma asked, sounding almost anguished.  “Don’t treat it like an easy question, Regina, because it’s not.  I don’t want to deprive anyone of their families.  Not me, not Snow, not you, and definitely not our son.” 

She absolutely wanted to treat it like an easy question.  Bring everyone back through, that was easy enough.  But she understood what Emma meant, partly because she knew there was no way that would ever happen.  Some people had wanted their “home” back, and their home was where they’d stay. 

“I realize,” Regina said slowly, “that we haven’t exactly pursued anything since . . . the kiss last night.  Do you think we should stop before proceeding further, in case we find ourselves on opposite sides of the portal for good in a week or a month?” 

Emma didn’t respond at first, sitting there motionlessly.  Eventually, though, she reached out and took Regina’s hand.  “I think,” she replied, “we should try to enjoy it as much as we can, while we can.” 

She stood up without letting go of Regina, and then quickly bent over and kissed her lightly on the corner of the mouth.  “What do you think?” 

Regina touched her face with her free hand.  “I think . . . that would be acceptable."

The remainder of the day was uneventful, except for two brief encounters. During her lunch break, Regina crossed paths with Mulan and Elsa. Mulan would have struck Regina as an odd choice for a tour guide, considering the medieval Chinese soldier was almost as out of place in Storybrooke, Maine as the otherworldly ice queen. Would have, had it not been for that phone call. As it was, Regina caught Mulan’s eye and smirked slightly. The other woman flushed and hurried past her. 

Then, an hour after Regina had returned to her desk, Maleficent had flounced in. “Flounced” was the only word to describe it, considering Maleficent had conjured another highly fashionable and extremely impractical outfit for herself. “I’m squatting in an unoccupied house. Here’s the address.” 

Regina had looked at the slip of paper Maleficent handed her. “This is three houses down the street from mine,” she’d said suspiciously. 

“Hm. Imagine that. Then there’s no reason you won’t be there tonight. Six?” 

“Why?” 

“We’re going to watch a movie. It’s the story of my life, apparently. I’ve read that watching movies is something friends do,” Maleficent said drolly. “Also, there will be wine. A great deal of wine.” 

It wasn’t like Regina had anything better to do. 

Still, suspecting that Maleficent had been referring to the recent Angelina Jolie film, Regina brought along her copy of Disney’s Sleeping Beauty. Regina had read a few reviews of Maleficent after she came across a banner ad for it online, and she wasn’t convinced that Mal would necessarily “approve” of the storyline. At least the animated version of the sorceress would be wicked enough to suit her tastes. 

“Why are you always dressed like that?” Maleficent asked in lieu of an actual greeting when she opened the door at six PM sharp. 

“Like what?” 

“I don’t know, Hillary Clinton?” 

Regina raised an eyebrow. “Mal, just how many magazines have you read since you surfaced?” 

Maleficent waved a hand airily. “All of them, I suppose. Know the battlefield, such and such. Follow me.” 

As innocently as Maleficent may have meant it, Regina would never follow her. Instead she swallowed herself up in purple smoke and reappeared five feet in front of the other witch. “Nice place you’ve got here,” she said. 

“I suppose. It’s dreadfully small, compared to a castle.” 

Regina entered the kitchen area and found a computer laptop set up on the table. There were also three bottles of wine and . . . that was it. “No food?” 

Maleficent looked at her like she was insane. “Me, cook?” 

“Oh, for the – don’t expect me to.” 

“Don’t tell me YOU cook though.” 

“I have a SON. Who do you think made his meals?” 

Mal still seemed unconvinced of Regina’s mental health. “One of the servants, naturally. I would have thought, I don’t know, that you’d use the Curse to turn Snow White into your maid or something. Then you could have fired her every day, and made her beg for her job back every night.” 

The thought hadn’t even occurred to her. It sounded appealing at first blush. “No,” Regina said after briefly thinking about it, though. “Mary-Margaret would have inevitably ended up with SOME role in raising my son, and that would be unacceptable.” 

“Mary-Margaret,” Maleficent repeated. “That the name you gave her?” 

Regina nodded. 

Maleficent smiled. “How delightfully dull, Regina. Shall we?” 

“I’m impressed that you figured out how to use a computer,” Regina said as she sat down and poured herself a glass of red wine. 

“I may have read a few books too.” Maleficent sat next to her. “Now, I believe this is what they call a ‘bootleg’ copy of the movie. They’re supposed to be illegal, so I’ve done my bad deed for the day.” 

“Before we begin,” Regina said quickly, “you may wish to watch this first.” She held up the DVD box. 

Maleficent looked at the cover and curled her lip. “Why would I ever want to watch a movie about Aurora’s mother?” 

“It was made several decades before the movie you illegally downloaded, Mal. It may interest you to see a more ‘traditional’ film version of you before comparing it to the modern retelling.” 

The blonde witch didn’t look entirely persuaded. 

“I promise you’ll approve of your portrayal.” 

Maleficent sighed. “Oh, very well. I suppose I could stomach watching two movies about me.” 

Regina smiled. 

As predicted, Maleficent ended up enjoying her cartoon self, as well as Eleanor Audley’s voice work. “I don’t get the greenish skin, mind you,” Mal observed while she delightedly watched the animated witch’s mocking prediction of how the decrepit prince would rescue Sleeping Beauty a century later. “What self-respecting witch would have green skin?” 

“Totally,” Regina said with a completely straight face. 

“And that headgear of hers looks completely impractical,” Maleficent added. “That being said, she’s got plenty of panache, doesn’t she?” 

Regina nodded. “She’s a very popular villain.” 

Maleficent looked pleased. “Still, they could have given her a better motivation. Why does she put a curse on the baby princess? Just because she’s evil? That’s just lazy.” 

Regina turned and looked at Maleficent. “Seriously?” 

“What?” 

“Why did you put a curse on Aurora?” 

“Because she’s Sleeping Beauty’s daughter,” Maleficent said, like it was the most obvious reason in the world. 

“Some might argue you were punishing the girl for her mother’s sins,” Regina pointed out. 

Maleficent smiled cruelly. “Why, Regina, some might argue you were punishing Snow White for your mother’s sins.” 

“Excuse me?!” Regina asked, outraged. “That little blabbermouth – “ 

“Yes, of course, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut, silly me for forgetting,” Maleficent said casually. “Do you mind? I’m trying to watch the end of the movie.” 

Regina narrowed her eyes at Maleficent but said nothing more. 

“My turn,” Maleficent said gleefully once the cartoon was finished. 

“Yes, it is,” Regina agreed as she watched and waited to see what would happen. 

What would happen was, in fact, ninety-seven minutes of steadily increasing awkwardness, while Mal never said a word. It was by far the longest she’d ever remained silent in Regina’s presence, beating the old record by ninety-six minutes and thirty seconds. 

When it was over, Regina carefully closed the lid of the laptop. The other witch had polished off two bottles of Riesling, and there was no telling what she might do next. “So,” she ventured. 

“I did not like it,” Maleficent said stiffly. 

“There were some gross inaccuracies,” Regina mentioned. “The moors, the wings. And you certainly never liked Sleeping Beauty OR her daughter.” 

Maleficent didn’t respond at first. 

Regina waited, feeling that they were on entirely uncharted ground here. 

“She should have been mine,” Mal said very softly. 

“I . . . I suppose so,” Regina replied. “If Stefan had been more understanding of your powers – “ 

“But he wasn’t,” Maleficent hissed. 

No, he wasn’t. And because he wasn’t, he’d married Sleeping Beauty instead. It was a common refrain for witches. Just look at what happened to Medea. 

“Still – I may have approached her when she was nine,” Maleficent added. “A year after that thieving bitch of a mother died. Those blonde curls, she may have looked a little like I did at her age.” 

Regina sucked in a breath. She’d never heard this before. 

Maleficent snorted. “Let’s just say her guards were more observant than the idiot fairies in that movie, and it didn’t end well. But for those first few minutes, she was . . . “ 

“Maleficent?” Regina prompted her when she didn’t continue. 

The other witch closed her eyes. “Thank you for coming, Regina, but I think I’ve had a glass too many. I’m sure you can see yourself out.”

Then she vanished. 

Regina sat there for a moment, and then the pain of being separated from her son for so much of the past four weeks hit her all at once. 

She took a very big gulp from her wine, and then poofed - magicked herself home.

To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

Day 26

Thing #1

Thing #2

“Well, well, well,” Regina said, surprised.  “If it isn’t Yin and Yang.” 

“A lovely host as always, Madame Mayor,” Rumplestiltskin observed, lifting his cane briefly.  

“You could be more gracious,” the Blue Fairy added disdainfully.  “We’ve come to fix the portal.” 

Regina raised both eyebrows, having already forgotten that Blue had mentioned just yesterday wanting to inspect the portal and find out why gods and monsters were popping in.  “We?” she repeated.  “What could possibly have persuaded the two of you to work together?” 

The two arrivals looked at each other with about as much enjoyment as they’d looked at her.  “As you recall,” Blue eventually said, “the portal is a mixture of different magics.  The Dark One is more versed than I in some kinds, whereas I’m the expert in others.  If the job is going to be done right - ” 

“Also,” Rumple added, “I’m no more excited by the prospect of unknown variables like Hades showing up in the Enchanted Forest than the two of you are.  I like being the biggest, baddest dark wizard there, thank you very much.” 

There were perhaps also trust issues involved in selecting both Blue and Gold (neither of whom was Swedish, ironically).  Even if one or the other was powerful enough to alter the portal on their own – and Regina very much doubted either was – Regina couldn’t entirely trust them to stick to their stated goals.  It would be just like the fairy or the imp, as individuals, to make some added “modifications” to the portal to further their own interests.  Together, however, neither spellcaster could make any changes without the other knowing it.  And the thought of such diametrically opposite people colluding in some ulterior motive was purely laughable.  Even now, they glared at each other with scorn. 

“Very well then,” Regina said.  “What are you hoping to do?” 

“Sever it from the Room of Many Doors,” Blue replied.  “This portal was never intended to be more than a straight passage from Earth to the Forest, but because of the fabric from the Hat, the Room was somehow transmogrified and became the passage.  Together Rumple and I will seek to extract the Room from the magical fiber of the passage between the two worlds, so that the two might exist side by side.” 

“Think of it as reopening on- and off-ramps,” Rumplestiltskin said, “rather than cutting off traffic altogether.” 

“Fine then,” Regina told them.  “Do what needs to be done. And then get back to whatever it is you do.” 

After a few minutes, Regina tuned the duo out.  Both Blue and Rumple had spent ages getting everything they wanted, and the fact that they weren’t getting what they wanted here – which clearly was to not be working together – made them increasingly irritable working partners.  Honestly, it would be a miracle if they weren’t in Regina’s office all day. 

How long they were actually there, Regina couldn’t say.  She was using the ladies’ room when she felt the alarm signaling someone had gone through the portal.  Sure enough, they were gone when she returned. 

This troubled Regina.  Granted, they had explained what they had set out to do, and she imagined the two wanted to be gone from each other’s presence as soon as was humanly possible.  But it made her feel uneasy, like they were in a hurry to leave Storybrooke for some other reason. 

Still, Emma made a short visit that afternoon to meet with Nova and make arrangements for magic lessons, and she walked into and out of the portal without any difficulty.  So Regina supposed she was worrying over nothing. 

In fact, by the time Emma started kissing her against her desk, she didn’t even think to ask the Savior what her first time in the Room of Many Doors had been like. 

(Perhaps she should have.)  

Day 28 

Little Red Riding Hood/Ruby Lucas (1:24 PM) 

“Miss Lucas,” Regina said politely. “I take it by your grandmother’s absence that you’re not staying long?” 

“Only for a couple days,” Ruby replied. “I thought I’d look Victor up.” 

“Frankenstein?” Regina asked, surprised. But then, Jefferson had mentioned overhearing that Victor “said goodbye” to Ruby before becoming the first person to return to Storybrooke. “Are you two . . . “ 

“I’m sorry, but it’s none of your business, Regina,” Ruby said. 

“No, I don’t suppose it is. Are you only here for pleasure, or business as well?” 

“What business would I be on?” 

“I don’t know, Miss Lucas,” Regina murmured. “Smuggling?” 

Ruby didn’t bat an eye. “Diamonds or drugs?” 

Regina chuckled. “Clever. Did you know that smugglers used to hide their drugs in coffee grounds to mask the scent from dogs?” 

“I’d heard that, although I can’t imagine it was all that successful. It wouldn’t work on me.” 

She was inclined to believe her, having seen the relevant episode of Mythbusters. “Regardless, this may be the first time that coffee itself has been the commodity being smuggled into or out of the United States, rather than simply a means of hiding the smuggled goods. Unless you’re going to suggest that your grandmother has already begun cultivating vast quantities of coffee beans in the temperate climate of the Enchanted Forest?” 

“You’re acting like a crime is being committed,” Ruby said. “The coffee comes directly from our inventory at the old diner.” 

“Yes, but people made a conscious decision to leave the world of modern America behind and return to the Forest. They don’t have to face the consequences if your family is serving the same kind of food that you used to prepare here in Maine.” 

Ruby smiled slightly. “I think you’re overstating the percentage of ‘modern America’ our tavern represents.” 

Regina smiled back at her. “At any rate, that wasn’t the kind of smuggling I really wanted to ask about.” 

“I’m all out of fake Vermeers.” 

“What about human beings?” 

The werewolf’s smile vanished. “You can’t possibly be suggesting that my grandmother and I are involved in some kind of slave trafficking?” 

“Of course not,” Regina said, bewildered. “I’m talking about the human beings you’ve helped smuggle through the portal.” 

Ruby looked equally confused. “What are you talking about? You make me sound like one of those Mexican illegal immigrant guides they talk about on the National Geographic channel.” 

“Jefferson told me that you helped him access the portal, and that you’d even watched Grace for him until he knew it was okay for her to follow.” 

“Oh, THAT,” Ruby said. “Honestly, you’re blowing it way out of proportion. Yes, Granny and I ‘arranged’ for a few families to find their way to the portal, but that stopped once Snow found out people were leaving of their own accord. She said she didn’t want people to feel like they were obligated to remain, so now people can just ask at the castle gates.” 

Regina hadn’t even considered that. “That’s good, but it might not always be like that. I’ll make you and your grandmother a deal, Miss Lucas. I’ll look the other way when food and beverages manage to find their way across the dimensional barrier, and in return, should Snow’s attitudes toward emigration to Storybrooke ever change, you’ll go back to ‘arranging’ safe passage.” 

Ruby looked doubtful. “I meant what I said earlier. Granny and I don’t believe we’re doing anything wrong here.” 

“That may be, but people may be less willing to be your coffee and refined sugar mules if they know the Mayor will be in her office when they arrive. I can be rather . . . intimidating.” 

“Fine, whatever,” Ruby grumbled. “Deal.” 

Regina nodded, satisfied. 

“Can I go now?” 

“Certainly. If you don’t mind me asking, why now? Why wait a month to pay your friend Victor a visit?” 

Ruby shrugged. “His name came up in a conversation and, I don’t know, I just really wanted to see him again. Sorry, it wasn’t because Forest living conditions had become intolerable or something.” 

Still, Regina could dream.   

Day 29 

There was never really a good time to make an entry in the logbook that day, because Regina had a visitor. 

“Ugh, too bright in here by far.” 

Regina looked up, and whatever she’d been planning to say died in her throat as it was washed away by a feeling of deep, deep dread. 

The pink hair and clothes, odd-looking on a woman in what appeared to be her late forties, were telling, but what cinched it for Regina was her eyes.  Her eyes glittered, frenetically darting back and forth and back again.  It created such an impression of rabid wildness that Regina knew this woman was mentally ill, and dangerously so. 

That AND the pink told Regina that she was alone in a room with “Mad” Madam Mim, the shapeshifting sorceress who’d dueled with Merlin for the life of the boy King Arthur in The Sword in the Stone.  Merlin, possibly the most famous wizard in all of English literature who had never attended Hogwarts, and this woman had stood toe-to-toe with him. 

The movie could have gotten it wrong, Regina supposed, but she wasn’t inclined to bank on it. 

“Can I help you?” Regina asked cautiously.  She didn’t stand, and she certainly didn’t assume her “Evil Queen” persona the way she had with Hades.  Instinctively she felt that move would be akin to waving a red flag at a bull. 

Madam Mim instantly focused on Regina’s face, like a snake sensing a rodent.  “Mmm, yes, I suppose you could, dearie.” 

She’d thought that word couldn’t sound worse coming from anyone besides Rumplestiltskin.  She’d been wrong. 

Rumplestiltskin!  I swear, when I get my hands on you and that incompetent nun –  

“Do you know who I am?” Madam Mim asked, as if the answer didn’t matter. 

“Of course,” Regina said, going into politician mode instead.  She smiled brightly.  “You’re the magnificent, marvelous . . . Madam Mim.” 

“Oh goodie, that will save ever so much time,” Madam Mim replied, preening.  Then she cocked her head to one side.  “Yes, yes, I know, she left out the ‘mad’ part, it’s not important.” 

Regina suppressed a wince.  She supposed “Schizophrenic Madam Mim” hadn’t been quite as catchy when the composer and lyricist worked on the original Disney picture, but it would certainly have been more accurate. 

“Where am I?” Madam Mim asked then. 

“Beg pardon?” 

“It’s not a difficult question, miss,” Mim snapped, eyes flashing. “Where – am – I?” 

Regina continued to maintain her composure. People talked about her moods, but this woman’s temperament probably could spin on a dime fifty times a day, and there was no telling how much destruction she could cause, or how quickly, if she became irate. “Storybrooke, Maine, off the eastern coast of North America. England is a few thousand miles east of here, on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.” 

“Are we near Bermuda?” 

“No, it’s hundreds of miles to the south. Why?” 

Madam Mim waved a hand. “Merlin was there once. He brings it up every so often, like it’s some magical place.” 

Regina could almost believe Henry was standing right behind her, the way she imagined she heard his voice saying, No, that’s Tahiti. “You talk to Merlin a lot?” 

“I don’t want to talk about Merlin,” Madam Mim said crossly. “He’s such a bore. Let’s talk about other wizards instead. Where are they?” 

Careful, Regina. “Why do you think there are any wizards here?” 

Madam Mim cleared her throat pointedly and gestured toward the portal. 

“Oh, right,” Regina said. 

“She’s a trifle slow, I know,” Mim said to her left. “Be patient.” 

Regina clenched a fist. 

“Anyway,” Madam Mim said, turning back to Regina, “I would like you tell me where they can be found. I could just track them by their magical energies, but this stupid doorway of yours is throwing off all my sensors.” 

“And why do you wish to find them? Do you need help returning to England?” Regina asked. 

Mim laughed gaily. “Oh dear – what was your name again? We didn’t catch it.” 

“I never gave it. It’s Regina.” 

“Dear Regina, I don’t need help getting where I want to go. I’ve traveled like this before. I don’t usually go off haring through random portals higgledy-piggledy, but it was just there all of a sudden, and so bright. I couldn’t resist!” 

Regina froze. “What do you mean ‘all of a sudden’? You didn’t open the portal yourself? It appeared before you?” 

“Not the portal itself, Regina,” Mim said. “But the destination. Suddenly I could sense this place very far off in the distance, and it was so bright and shiny and new that I had to make my way here. I’m sure Merlin and every other wizard worth their salts in England sensed it too. Honestly, I’m glad he didn’t beat me here. By now he’d probably be trying to make me drink one of his foul concoctions instead.” 

“That sounds terrible,” Regina said absently as she pondered what Mim had said. Clearly Blue and Gold had botched the spell somehow. She wondered why – 

“Are you even listening?!” Madam Mim snarled. 

Regina blinked. “Sorry, I was just trying to understand why our world looked that way to – “ 

“I don’t care, that doesn’t concern me, Regina. What I want is to have some fun in this bright, shiny world of yours. I want a wizard’s duel. I haven’t dueled with anyone besides Merlin in too long, and he’s so dreadfully dull. I can’t even remember the last time an innocent bystander or ten was killed during one of our scuffles. I mean, really, what kind of wizard is he?!” 

An innocent bystander or ten . . . 

She gasped. Maybe they hadn’t botched the spell. Maybe they’d planned it that way. 

Madam Mim sighed. “I’m never getting anywhere with you. She’s not slow, she’s the VILLAGE IDIOT,” she told her invisible companion. “I’ll just find a wizard myself.” 

“No, wait – “ 

Too late. Madam Mim had already vanished. Shit. 

Regina snatched up her compact mirror. “Sidney, it’s urgent.” 

“Regina?” Sidney’s face appeared in place of her reflection. 

“Sidney, Madam Mim from Sword in the Stone is loose somewhere in Storybrooke, looking for a wizard to battle with. You must get the word out, like we discussed.” 

“I’ll get right on it,” Sidney said. This was the “red alert” system they’d all discussed after Regina had encountered Hades. 

Then Regina picked up the phone and dialed. 

“Hello?” 

“Nova, it’s Regina. Where are you? I hope you’re dressed.” 

“What, dressed? Regina, it’s the middle of the day, of course I’m dressed. Does this have something to do with Emma’s lessons?” 

“No, this is much more important, Nova. Again, where are you?” 

“I’m in my kitchen. Regina – “ 

“Wait right there.” Regina hung up and immediately magicked herself there. 

“Regina!” Nova yelped as she stood in front of the refrigerator. 

“I need you to look at something,” Regina said before she grabbed Nova by the wrist and – all right, fine, poofed them both back to her office. Then she waited for Nova’s dizziness to subside. 

Nova rubbed her temple. “Regina, I don’t understand any of this. What’s the problem?” 

“The problem is that your old boss Blue was here three days ago, and she claimed she’d fixed the portal so that no more problems like Hades would surface. And yet Mad Madam Mim was in my office not two minutes ago, talking about how Storybrooke suddenly pinged her magical radar or something, and she had to check it out for herself.” 

“That sounds – really bad, Regina. What do you need from me?” 

“I’m no expert in fairy magic. I need you to look at the portal and tell me if you see anything different compared to the last time you saw it.” 

“Okay,” Nova said dubiously. “I can’t promise anything but . . . “ She looked intently at the portal for no more than ten seconds. “Oh, dear,” she said softly. 

“What?” 

“Regina, this isn’t just a portal any more,” Nova told her, looking highly dismayed. “It’s also a beacon.”

Regina closed her eyes. Which was fitting, since she’d been so incredibly stupid to take her eyes off the Blue Fairy three days ago. Thanks to her – 

And as if this day could have gotten any worse, Regina heard an extremely loud sound coming from outside City Hall that sounded remarkably like a car blowing up. 

The way her day was progressing, it had probably been hers. 

To be continued . . .

Chapter Text

“Come on,” Regina said.

“You’re not going to teleport me with a cloud of purple smoke again, are you?” Nova asked, sounding a bit nauseous.

“This time I think we’ll go by foot,” Regina replied as she headed through her office door.  “No telling if we might reappear in the middle of a firefight.”

A minute later, Regina discovered that for once, something had gone her way.  It was NOT her car that was upside-down and on fire.

That was the only thing going her way though.  She watched silently as a bare-knuckled brawl took place in the center of Main Street between two giant magical creatures.  Not Godzilla versus King Kong giant, but easily over ten feet tall.  Three nearby storefronts had already taken damage.

“What’s going on?” Nova cried out over the tremendous noise.

“It’s a wizard’s duel,” Regina told her, pulling her away slightly.  “They’ll take different forms until one of them wins.”

“They?  Who’s they?  I mean, I can see the one is this Madam Mim woman – “ Nova gestured to one of the beasts, a brawny, humanoid creature with a large eye in the center of his forehead.  A Cyclops, clearly.  It was also pink.  “But who’s the other one?” she asked, pointing at what one might call a “scorpion of unusual size”.

“Maleficent, of course,” Regina said, scowling thunderously.  “She’d jump at the chance.”

“She’s sort of your friend, isn’t she?  And Mim, she’s the outside threat.  Shouldn’t we be helping Maleficent then?”

Regina shook her head.  “Trying to intervene in a wizard’s duel is a good way to get both participants to turn on you.  It’s seen as an implicit forfeit by the one you’re trying to help, and wizards hate to lose.”

Nova stared at her.  “So what, we just let them slug it out in front of City Hall until one wins, and hope it’s Maleficent?”

The scorpion reared its barbed tail back, dripping with poison, and struck at the Cyclops.  The giant grabbed the tail with a meaty hand and began bending it in two, but the scorpion swung one of its massive claws into the Cyclops’ chest.  It let go, stumbling backwards, and in the blink of an eye, the oversized insect had vanished.  In its place was a huge vampire bat with long fans and a twenty-foot wingspan.  It flapped its wings for added height, and then dive-bombed its opponent, trying to bite into its neck.

“And hope Maleficent wins this quickly,” Regina told her.  “Let’s go back inside.  There’s no point in staying here, one of us could get caught in the crossfire.  I want you to tell me more about this portal.”

Regina had raced out of City Hall when she heard the explosion, but this time she settled for a fast walk.  She’d seen wizard’s duels go on for an hour.  “You said it’s a beacon,” she said to Nova.  “In what way exactly?”

Nova looked deeply disturbed as she once more studied the portal.  “The time-space barrier that separates all worlds isn’t uniform.  In every alternate universe, there’s a place where the barrier between the worlds is the thinnest.”

“Yes, of course,” Regina said impatiently.  “Elsa said something very similar recently, she mentioned that she used her ice powers to freeze and manipulate one of those thin spots.”

“Well,” Nova said, “this portal, it’s like it’s broadcasting a big, red neon arrow to those worlds, pointing from all of those thin spots right to here.  Only magic-users would be able to see it, mostly, but that’s the problem.  You say wizards hate to lose.  I say wizards love to explore new magical things.  The only upside is, the beacon seems to be somewhat intermittent.  It was on for about twenty seconds, and then it was off for about forty seconds before turning on again.  So hey, two-thirds of the time there’s nothing to see!”

“It’s the other one-third that kills you,” Regina growled.  Probably because Blue and Rumple weren’t exactly frequent magic partners.  She swore.  “So there’s no telling when we’ll get yet another curious explorer with unimaginable power while we’re still dealing with the current one!”

Nova looked at Regina.  “You said earlier that the Blue Fairy was the last person to do something to the portal.  You can’t possibly be suggesting that SHE would do such a thing?”

“Well, do you have a better idea?” Regina asked.  “She clearly stated that she had come to fix the portal.  Then she and Rumplestiltskin left while I was away from my office, which would certainly indicate they were finished.  Yet now it’s doing the exact OPPOSITE of what it is supposed to do.  Either Blue is an incompetent or a liar.”

“Maybe Rumple did it without Blue realizing it?” Nova asked hopefully.

“If the Dark One can pull something like that off, without the leader of the Fairies noticing, then you light magic people are seriously outclassed.”

Nova turned away and flung herself down into a chair.  “But she couldn’t have!  She’s Good!  She’s practically the living avatar of Good!  There are innocent people in Storybrooke, CHILDREN.  She’d be putting all their lives in jeopardy!”

Regina nodded grimly.  “All true.  And yet, I think she would see her actions as being for the ‘good of the many’, Nova.”

“What?”

“Look who the victims are.  Myself, Maleficent, and the Blind Witch, three powerful practitioners of black magic.  A sorceress with ice powers Blue doesn’t trust.  A mad scientist.  One of my former minions.  A traitorous fairy and her fugitive dwarf lover,” she added, looking at Nova.  “And dozens of people who chose me over Snow White by living here.”  And a werewolf, she suddenly realized.  Regina was willing to bet that the Blue Fairy was responsible for Ruby Lucas getting the idea to visit Victor at this precise time.

“But it doesn’t make sense, Regina,” Nova said desperately.  “The Blue Fairy must realize that any monsters and wizards lured to Storybrooke will just make the Enchanted Forest their next target!  Why would she risk that?”

The fairy had a point, and Regina was suddenly struck by a terrible idea.  “Nova, why don’t you see if you can pass your hand through the portal?  I can’t, obviously.”

Nova blinked at her.  “Oh no,” she whispered.  “You can’t believe that – “  Bolting back up from her chair, she rushed over to the portal and tried plunging her arm in.

The tips of her fingers collided roughly with the surface of the portal and Nova cried out from pain, and probably more from shock. 

Regina closed her eyes.  Of course.  It’s perfect. 

“I think we might be trapped,” she told Nova.  “Rumplestiltskin no longer has to worry about competition from the twenty-first century, and Blue stops anyone else from making the crossing back.”

“What about Emma?” Nova asked.  “She was here yesterday, and then she left without any problems.”

“I don’t know,” Regina replied.  “Perhaps the modifications made by Blue only affect those of us on the Storybrooke end of the portal.  Or perhaps it’s somehow keyed into anyone coming from the Enchanted Forest so that they’re allowed to pass.  Actually that benefits her.  A day or two from now, someone will come through the portal, find us all dead or zombies or whatever, and report back to Snow that it’s no longer safe here.”

“Who’s no longer safe here?”

Regina and Nova both looked up and saw Maleficent lounging in the doorway, unharmed and impeccably dressed.

“That was quick,” Regina said, feeling a small dose of relief.  “You won?”

“Well, I will,” Maleficent boasted.  “I called winners.”

“You . . . called . . . what?”

“Winners,” Maleficent repeated mockingly.  “They’re still going at it out there.”

Nova looked back at Regina.  “I thought you said Mim was fighting Maleficent.”

“The Blind Witch,” Regina realized, horrified.  “Of course, Mim probably sensed all of the magical wards kept in place around her cell, and she was all too happy to be freed for a duel.  Does it look like one of them is winning?”

Maleficent shrugged.  “I can’t say.  Last I saw, there was a rose-colored beholder duking it out with a puddle of goo.”

“A what is fighting a PUDDLE?” Nova asked, bewildered.

“Nova, stay here while I go back out there.  If something else bad comes out of that damn thing, run like hell.”

This time Regina poofed.

The fight was now just ten feet farther down the street, and as Maleficent described, Mim had taken the form of a beholder, a fleshy, spherical monster said to petrify victims with one look from the enormous eye in its middle and the eight eye-stalks on its head.  The Blind Witch was what appeared to be a black pudding, a gelatinous, carnivorous fungus not unlike the Blob from the old horror movies. 

Now Regina understood.  Thanks to her poor vision, the Blind Witch was taking the forms of magical creatures that didn’t rely on sight.  (At least she assumed so.  If scorpions had eyes, she didn’t know where they were.)  She could only think that Mim was mocking the Witch by choosing monsters who not only could see, but also had gigantic eyes.  “Regardless of who wins, we have a problem,” she said to Maleficent as she came up next to her.  “Madam Mim is dangerous AND schizophrenic, while the Blind Witch was incarcerated for a very, VERY good reason.”

“You only have a problem if the winner is able to beat me next, so you should be good,” Maleficent said, unconcerned.

The pudding attempted to smother the beholder like a tidal wave, but the beholder swiftly slid backwards, knocking a lightpole down.  It smashed the plate-glass window of another establishment as it fell.

“I only have a problem if this fight goes on for hours,” Regina said.  “They’ll take out half the town.”  She rubbed her temple.  “I know you called dibs, Mal, but I have to put a stop to this.”

“Better not, Regina,” Maleficent warned her.  “Trying to help someone fighting a wizard’s duel, that’s tantamount to saying they can’t win without your aid.  They’d reject your assistance.  They’d both reject it violently as hell, just so each can prove they didn’t ask for it.  On second thought, go for it.”

“I’m not helping either of them,” Regina said.  “I’m taking them both down.  I’m the Mayor of Storybrooke, and I can’t sit idly by while two A-level sorceresses with split personalities level an entire city block.”

Maleficent snorted.  “You’re not expecting me to pitch in, right?” she asked as the Blind Witch went for added bulk by turning into a twenty-foot-tall gelatinous cube, while Mim then went up from nine eyes to fourteen by becoming a huge seven-headed hydra. 

Her lack of helpfulness didn’t surprise Regina, and yet it stung.  “Of course not,” she only said though, before summoning a large fireball and hurling it into the smooth, faceless back of the cube.

The pink reptile spun around.  “Rule Four, no cheating!” seven heads shrieked at once.

The cube, well, every side looked the same.  For all Regina knew it was facing the asphalt.  It did begin ponderously lurching in her direction though.

“If you’re going to rush headlong into a fight, at least wear something other than a pencil skirt,” Maleficent complained as she moved away.

She wasn’t wrong, Regina admitted, as she used her powers to create something closer to what she wore as the Queen, something that gave her increased mobility.  Something she’d need, as the hydra instantly became a pink wyvern and flew towards her with great speed, while the Blind Witch seemed in no particular hurry to change into something faster.  Regina tossed another fireball at Mim and “blinked” herself across the street.

“I saw the movie, Mim,” Regina said.  “You broke Rule Four a long, long time before I did.”

“Oh, really?” Mim asked as she hovered in the air above her.  She lazily shot off a tongue of flame that Regina dodged.  “You saw that battle?  Then perhaps you remember how I ENDED IT?!”

Without another word, Mim grew, and grew, and GREW, until the medium-sized wyvern was the extra-extra-large fire-breathing dragon with a mop of pinkish hair on its head, the one that Disney’s Merlin was only able to defeat by becoming an infectious disease.  And Regina never saw fit to learn that spell.  (Because, again, it was INFECTIOUS.)

“Well, hell,” Regina muttered.

“HOW DARE YOU!”

The dragon whipped its head around to look in the other direction.  Regina couldn’t see through its tremendous bulk, but she certainly knew Mal’s voice.

“YOU THINK YOU CAN TURN INTO A FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON IN FRONT OF ME, AND NOT EXPECT ME TO BE OFFENDED?!  ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND??!!”

Regina’s head craned upwards as the black dragon rose into the sky from behind Mim, spreading its wings so that City Hall was almost completely blotted out.

“Oh, higgledy-piggledy,” Mim grumbled.

Instead of turning into something else, Mim tried with excruciating slowness to turn her dragon’s body to face Maleficent.  Regina didn’t have that problem.  Her problem was that Maleficent was about to body-slam Mim, or rather, that Mal the giant dragon was about to body-slam Mim the slightly smaller giant dragon.  And the momentum would carry them both right into where she was standing. 

Oh yes, teleportation.  She couldn’t give people diseases, but she could teleport just fine. She summoned another purple cloud and materialized again on the City Hall steps, giving her a clear view of Maleficent tackling Madam Mim.  She didn’t have a lot of velocity, but her huge size and the fact she was attacking from above gave her enough momentum to literally lift Mim off her feet . . . driving them both into the building across the street.  The sturdy stone-and-metal structure had no chance, and was flattened by a dose of double dragons, while Maleficent’s swinging tail took out a chunk of the building next to it.

This didn’t feel like much of an improvement.

Still, Mal had Mim occupied, leaving Regina to deal with the Blind Witch.  She turned, expecting to see that giant Jell-o cube lurching towards her, and instead discovered that the Witch had finally assumed a faster form.  This time she had become some kind of mutated purple earthworm, with only a mouth gaping with teeth where a face might be.  Regina was willing to hazard a guess that cutting it in half would only make the problem worse.

“Sorry, my dear,” she said instead as it slithered her way.  “Body modifications were never my thing.  You’re more than welcome to turn yourself into whatever loathsome vermin you like, but me?”  Regina waved a hand across her figure, hugged in all the right ways by the dress she’d created.  “I look way too good like this, to even think about becoming something else.”

The giant nightcrawler hesitated for a moment.  “Fine,” it finally said.  (At least, that was what Regina believed it said.  Even magical insects weren’t exactly built for speech.)  It coiled in on itself, tighter and tighter until the real Witch was the one standing there.  Instead of the svelte beauty who Gretel shoved into an oven, though, this Witch had Candy Crumb’s body.  Fifty pounds lighter, evidently, but definitely still obese.  Regina hoped the Blind Witch HATED looking like this.  “Better this way.”

“You really should get over the whole ‘being set on fire’ thing, dear,” Regina said.  “We’re witches.  It happens.”

“To her, maybe,” the Witch said.  “Not to me.  I’m a fucking court stenographer.”

Regina’s eyebrows shot up.  “Ms. Crumb, then?”

“Why do you need to ask?  You created me, after all,” Candy retorted.  “She’s still in there, but while we’re in Storybrooke, I get to be in charge of speech.  And I’m the one you should be worried about, not her.”

“I fail to see why.  I never did anything to you, Ms. Crumb.  As you say, if it hadn’t been for me, you wouldn’t even exist.”

“Never did anything to ME?  Are you fucking joking?!” Candy suddenly flung a bolt of lightning from her palm that Regina, not truly expecting it, blocked with a hastily summoned magical barrier.  “Imagine you’re just going about your day, nothing special, and then something strange hits you.  When you open your eyes again, the first thing you remember is the very first time you abducted and murdered a CHILD.”

Regina winced.  Okay, yes, when you looked at it like that –

“And then,” Candy continued, taking two steps forward, seemingly oblivious to the two dragons tearing away at each other with their claws just fifty yards away now, “you remember about how he screamed as you ate him RAW.  How you tore the flesh from his bones with your hands.  How you licked the blood from your hands.  How incredibly GOOD he tasted.  All in vivid Technicolor.”

“Ms. Crumb – Candy – “

“After that,” she said, ignoring her attempts to speak, “you noticed how the humans liked their food better when it was COOKED.  So you started luring children from their families.  You listened to their cries as they were roasted alive.  You butchered them, ate them, and threw their bones away like garbage.  And you remember doing this over, and over, and OVER again.”

Regina didn’t generally have much sympathy or patience for other people’s sob stories, as she felt she had a pretty compelling one herself.  My own mother murdered my true love in front of me, and then married me off to a man three times my age.  It was impossible to be immune to what Candy was saying, however.  Having heard Maleficent tell her much of this the other day didn’t make it any easier either.  “Okay, I admit you’ve made some very good points, Ms. Crumb,” she said gingerly.

“Shut up!” Candy shrieked.  “Don’t you want to know what the best part is?  The woman who did all those things, she’s still INSIDE of me, she doesn’t see why the things she did are WRONG, and I can’t make her go away!  It’s like finding out your roommate is a serial killer who enjoys watching video recordings of her murders every night!  I can’t get away from the images in my head!  I’m the only one suffering from guilt over what she did, and I’m also the only one who’s innocent!  And this all started because of YOUR FUCKING CURSE!!”

Instead of another spell, Candy did something not many witches did.  She attacked Regina physically.  Rushing forward, she charged shoulder-first into Regina’s chest, knocking her to the ground, before dropping down on top of her.  Regina felt all the wind leave her lungs as she felt herself suddenly being flattened by over three hundred pounds.  It almost, ALMOST, distracted her from the sound of the portal alarm going off.  NOW who had shown up?

“Since YOU’RE guilty too,” Candy snarled, “how about a nice spell to show YOU all of the memories I got from the Witch?!  That way, at least one guilty party will be suffering!” 

A heavy hand grabbed Regina by the forehead as she started to panic.  It wasn’t even that difficult a spell Candy Crumb was talking about, practically a glamour.  Regina would only have to see her memories once, after all, to never unsee them again.

“CRUMB!  OFF THE MAYOR, NOW!”

Regina looked to her left, startled.  Was that Emma Swan just outside the front entrance to City Hall . . . astride a white horse? 

“No,” Candy hissed.  Her other hand found Regina’s throat, choking her.  “She did this to me!  She did it!  She can’t get away with it!”

“Crumb,” Emma said quietly, as the horse – check that, as the unicorn slowly clopped forwards.  “I have no idea what it must be like, to be going through what you’re going through.  It’s not right.  You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You’re fucking right I didn’t,” Candy said, as Regina saw the first tears slide down her cheeks and her composure began to crack. 

“And I swear, as Sheriff, as Savior,” Emma told her, “that I will do everything in my power to find a solution, whether it means making the memories go away, or separating you from the Witch, or whatever it takes.  But not if you don’t get off the Mayor.”

For the first time, Candy Crumb looked uncertain, and the pressure on Regina’s throat eased up slightly. 

“You won’t be an innocent any longer if you kill Regina, Candy,” Emma said.  “You’ll be a murderer.  Not like the Witch, maybe, but a murderer all the same.  And then you’ll deserve everything you get.”

Regina felt her hand slowly slipping away from her throat, and she took as deep a breath as she could take, considering what was on top of her.

“You think you can help me?” Candy asked.

“Well, look at it this way.  Killing her won’t make the memories go away.  But maybe I can.”

Candy closed her eyes and wiped her free arm across her face.  “All right,” she said, rolling off Regina and struggling to get to her feet.  Regina quickly got to her hands and knees, then staggered away from Crumb, taking deep heaving breaths now.

“You okay, Regina?” Emma asked.

“I’m fine,” Regina gasped.

“Good.  Maybe you can explain what’s going on then, after I take Candy back to the police station.”  Emma raised a hand when Candy opened her mouth.  “AND I contact Dr. Hopper and have him come in to counsel you.  I don’t need to cuff you, do I?  Good.  There’s got to be at least one person in the Enchanted Forest who . . . knows . . .”  Then Emma finally seemed to notice the devastation across the street, along with the gigantic black dragon.  “Regina, what the hell is going on?”

“You don’t know?” Regina asked.  “Then why are you here, on a UNICORN no less?”

“Hey, I was just practicing riding him, minding my own business, when suddenly he gets a bug up his ass, gallops back at full speed, goes INTO the castle, and then right through the portal we go!”  Emma scratched the back of her neck.  “Maybe he sensed you were in danger.”

“We’re all in danger, Emma,” Regina told her.  “The black dragon is Maleficent, and the pink one is Mad Madam Mim from Sword in the Stone.  She got here a half-hour ago, demanding a wizard’s duel.”

“What pink dragon?”

Regina looked up.  There was no pink dragon to be seen.  “Maleficent!!”

The black dragon looked over her shoulder.  “I seem to have lost her, Regina.  She suddenly became something much smaller, so small that I’m having a difficult time finding her.  But she was seriously wounded, she can’t have gone far,” Maleficent said, having no difficulty speaking as a dragon.

“She doesn’t need to go far if she wants to kill us, Mal!” Regina reminded her, exasperated.

“Quite right, quite right indeed!”

There was no doubt in Regina’s mind that, after the day she was having, Madam Mim was standing right behind her, and yet she didn’t want to turn around and see.

“Hey you, Magic Munchkin!” Emma shouted, still atop her steed.  “Step away from her!”

“No, we don’t think so,” Madam Mim said as Regina finally looked back and saw the deranged sorceress just two feet away.  Her right shoulder was bleeding profusely, and the arm below it hung limp and useless, but she had produced a wand from somewhere, and her left arm seemed perfectly okay to use it.  One glance at Mim’s eyes told Regina that she was beyond reasoning with, if she ever could have been reasoned with in the first place.  “Since you don’t respect the rules of a wizard’s duel, I’ll just have to kill you like any common witch.  It’s embarrassing, but if you want to make an omelet, you have to break a few chicken farmers.”      

Regina felt like she’d already dodged several bullets that day, but she was afraid she wouldn’t be cheating death this time.

“Don’t,” Emma said, sounding freaked out.  “We can talk this over.  You’ve got demands, right?  Let’s hear your – “

That was when the foot-wide electric white beam came out of nowhere, striking Madam Mim in her side and knocking her a good seventy feet through the air.  She landed on the pavement in a boneless heap and didn’t seem interested in getting up. 

Now what?

Of all the people she thought might emerge from cover, Victor Frankenstein and Ruby Lucas were neither of them.  Certainly not Victor with some sort of crackling, humming contraption like a backpack strapped to his back, connected by cables to some odd metal device at the end of his outstretched arm, covering his entire right hand.  “Victor?” she asked, shocked.

“Madame Mayor,” he said, raising the weird metal thing – that couldn’t possibly be a laser gun, could it - in the air slightly.  “Whoever said magic was stronger than science?  They were wrong!”

To be continued . . .