Chapter Text
Key:
Alex
Hank
Bobby
Armando
October 8, 2016
[10:03 p.m.]: Hey - did you get the hw for Xavier?
[10:06 p.m.]: So u r just gonna leave me on read?
[10:06 p.m.]: I believe you have the wrong number.
[10:06 p.m.]: You believe so? You can’t just tell me I’m wrong?
[10:07 p.m.]: You’re leaving me on read again, believer
[10:07 p.m.]: Are you normally this rude to strangers?
[10:08 p.m.]: You were rude first, Bozo.
[10:09 p.m.]: Okay, so I shouldn’t have called you Bozo. I’m not sayin sorry tho.
[10:10 p.m.]: Yeah, who’s rude now?
[10:11 p.m.]: No longer sorry for calling you Bozo.
[10:12 p.m.]: You didn’t apologize in the first place.
[10:12 p.m.]: Nitpicking isn’t nice, stranger.
[10:12 p.m.]: Why are you still texting me?
[10:13 p.m.]: Because you keep replying.
[10:14 p.m.]: You that strapped for attention, bozo?
[10:14 p.m.]: Seems a little desperate
[10:15 p.m.]: I’d like to take this time to provide that you are also still texting me.
[10:16 p.m.]: Okay, what’s with the periods?
[10:16 p.m.]: It makes me think you’re mad
[10:17 p.m.]: It’s just how I text.
[10:17 p.m.]: It makes me anxious when other people do it too.
[10:18 p.m.]: Then why do you do it?
[10:18 p.m.]: It makes me anxious when I don’t.
[10:19 p.m.]: A lot of things make you anxious, don’t they, Bozo?
[10:20 p.m.]: It could be the anxiety.
[10:21 p.m.]: Is that a joke?
[10:21 p.m.]: That’s a joke isn’t it
[10:21 p.m.]: Bozo’s got jokes
[10:22 p.m.]: I guess I do.
[10:22 p.m.]: Did you just agree to being called Bozo?
[10:22 p.m.]: I’m saving your number as Bozo
[10:23 p.m.]: Unless I shouldn’t save your number?
[10:24 p.m.]: You can.
[10:24 p.m.]: I’m not telling you my name though.
[10:25 p.m.]: I still don’t actually know you.
[10:26 p.m.]: Did you really just type out the whole word “though”?
[10:26 p.m.]: Get with the times, Gramps
[10:27 p.m.]: It’s “tho” now
[10:28 p.m.]: Get off my lawn.
[10:29 p.m.]: Bozo’s got jokes!
[10:30 p.m.]: It’s like almost 11.
[10:30 p.m.]: I think it’s time for bed.
[10:31 p.m.]: 1, it’s literally 10:30
[10:31 p.m.]: 2, you really are a grandfather
[10:31 p.m.]: Assuming you’re a dude
[10:32 p.m.]: I shouldn’t assume shit, fuck
[10:33 p.m.]: I’m a dude.
[10:34 p.m.]: Are you?
[10:35 p.m.]: Yeah
[10:35 p.m.]: Anyway, time for bed, Grandpa
[10:36 p.m.]: Goodnight, Stranger.
[10:37 p.m.]: Night, Bozo
October 9, 2016
[6:59 a.m.]: Morning Bozo
[7:00 a.m.]: Morning, stranger.
[7:02 a.m.]: It’s ass o’clock in the morning
[7:03 a.m.]: I honestly wasn’t expecting to get a reply until later in the day
[7:05 a.m.]: If it’s ass o’clock in the morning, why are you already awake?
[7:06 a.m.]: It’s called insomnia
[7:06 a.m.]: Everybody and their mother thinks they have it
[7:07 a.m.]: But like… actually having it is a nightmare
[7:08 a.m.]: Was that a joke?
[7:08 a.m.]: Stranger’s got jokes.
[7:10 a.m.]: Don’t misquote me to me.
[7:10 a.m.]: Honestly
[7:10 a.m.]: Rude
[7:12 a.m.]: I wish there were read receipts for whether or not someone has read that you’ve read their message.
[7:13 a.m.]: Need to know if someone can see you being petty, Bozo?
[7:14 a.m.]: Need to know if someone is getting petty about thinking I’m being petty, morelike .
[7:15 a.m.]: But are you being petty in the first place, Bozo?
[7:15 a.m.]: I bet you are - you see like a petty person
[7:17 a.m.]: I seem petty, but you’re the one who double texted some random number because you thought they left you on read.
[7:18 a.m.]: Okay, wow, Bozo, wreck me, okay
[7:20 a.m.]: It is an honor and a privilege.
[7:22 a.m.]: Don’t sass me, sir
[7:24 a.m.]: Make me.
[7:26 a.m.]: And now you’re a sassy child? Unbelievable. That’s usually my gig
[7:27 a.m.]: I have a class in 34 minutes.
[7:28 a.m.]: Gross
[7:29 a.m.]: I am of the same opinion of the time.
[7:29 a.m.]: But the class is rather interesting.
[7:30 a.m.]: Okay, nerd
[7:30 a.m.]: Do I need to stop texting you when you have classes?
[7:31 a.m.]: Because I can
[7:31 a.m.]: That’s probably for the best.
[7:31 a.m.]: Do you have classes?
[7:32 a.m.]: Because I should stop texting you when you’re in class/work too.
[7:33 a.m.]: I do have classes
[7:33 a.m.]: But you can text me thru those
[7:34 a.m.]: I’m good at multi-tasking
[7:36 a.m.]: Not going to be the reason you fail, Stranger.
[7:36 a.m.]: Okay so I’ve been assuming
[7:37 a.m.]: But you’re in college, right?
[7:39 a.m.]: Yes.
[7:39 a.m.]: I’m a junior.
[7:41 a.m.]: Funny
[7:41 a.m.]: Me too
[7:43 a.m.]: Go to class, Bozo
[7:45 a.m.]: Make me.
[7:46 a.m.]: You’re going anyway, nerd
[7:48 a.m.]: Class is starting in a minute.
[7: 48 a.m.]: He always starts early.
[7:48 a.m.]: I’ll text you after.
[7:50 a.m.]: Do good things, I guess, Bozo
October 9, 2016
[7:50 a.m.]: Who are ya textin?
[7:51 a.m.]: Raven.
[7:51 a.m.]: Raven was at a Kappa Psi party last night
[7:52 a.m.]: No way she’s awake yet
[7:52 a.m.]: Who are you really texting?
[7:53 a.m.]: Did you meet someone?
[7:54 a.m.]: Okay so I didn’t want to say I’m texting my Mom.
[7:54 a.m.]: You happy, Bobby?
[7:55 a.m.]: You know you can tell me that stuff, Hank
[7:55 a.m.]: Class is starting.
October 9, 2016
[9:15 a.m.]: Out of class.
[9:17 a.m.]: And how was it?
[9:18 a.m.]: Sounds like it would suck
[9:18 a.m.]: All eight ams suck
[9:19 a.m.]: It didn’t entirely suck.
[9:20 a.m.]: I’d just rather talk about anything else.
[9:21 a.m.]: Do you ever just
[9:21 a.m.]: Watch a movie and like things happen
[9:21 a.m.]: Well things generally happen in movies.
[9:22 a.m.]: Okay I wasn’t fucking done fucking rude
[9:22 a.m.]: But anyway, things happen and you’re like
[9:23 a.m.]: That’s not how physics fucking works but thanks for trying
[9:25 a.m.]:This is the first thing you’ve ever said that I relate to on a personal level.
[9:25 a.m.]: #relatable
[9:26 a.m.]: You see, this is why I never relate to you.
[9:25 a.m.]: Wait I said a lot of cuss words
[9:25 a.m.]: You’re comfortable w that, right?
[9:26 a.m.]: I could not be friends with who I am friends with and not be.
[9:28 a.m.]: A simple yes or no would have done
[9:28 a.m.]: Debatable.
[9:29 a.m.]: The real reason why you don’t relate is because you’re a giant dork
[9:30 a.m.]: Wow.
[9:30 a.m.]: I’m wounded.
[9:31 a.m.]: No one has ever insulted me like this.
[9:33 a.m.]: Okay, wow, Bozo
[9:33 a.m.]: A deadpan you can hear over text
[9:34 a.m.]: You’ll live.
October 11, 2016.
[12:34 p.m.]: Where did you grow up?
[12:34 p.m.]: Do you have any pets?
[12:34 p.m.]: Do you have any siblings?
[12:34 p.m.]: Do you know what your name means?
[12:35 p.m.]: What type of phone do you have?
[12:35 p.m.]: What did you do this past weekend?
[12:35 p.m.]: What are your plans for this weekend?
[12:35 p.m.]: What do you like to do in your spare time?
[12:36 p.m.]: What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
[12:36 p.m.]: What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep?
[12:36 p.m.]: What is your middle name?
[12:36 p.m.]: What was the last thing you purchased?
[12:37 p.m.]: What is your favorite holiday?
[12:37 p.m.]: What is your favorite day of the week?
[12:37 p.m.]: If you could meet anyone in history, who would it be?
[12:37 p.m.]: What do you like to do to relax?
[12:38 p.m.]: Are you a saver or a spender?
[12:38 p.m.]: Do you play any instruments?
[12:39 p.m.]: I put my phone down for five minutes.
[12:39 p.m.]: What is this?
[12:40 p.m.]: I looked up a list of icebreakers
[12:40 p.m.]: It looked fun
[12:41 p.m.]: I grew up in Illinois.
[12:41 p.m.]: I used to have a dog.
[12:41 p.m.]: I’m an only child.
[12:42 p.m.]: It means ruler of the home.
[12:42 p.m.]: Iphone.
[12:42 p.m.]: Study and movie night with Raven.
[12:43 p.m.]: Raven is dragging me clubbing.
[12:43 p.m.]: Read and hang out with friends.
[12:43 p.m.]: Think about my plans for the day.
[12:44 p.m.]: Think about my plans for tomorrow.
[12:44 p.m.]: Philip.
[12:44 p.m.]: Gum.
[12:44 p.m.]: Halloween.
[12:44 p.m.]: Sunday.
[12:45 p.m.]: John Locke or Charles Darwin.
[12:45 p.m.]: Read.
[12:45 p.m.]: Saver.
[12:45 p.m.]: Piano and violin.
[12:46 p.m.]: Same for you.
[12:47 p.m.]: Wow, Bozo
[12:47 p.m.]: I was expecting you to just pick one or two
[12:48 p.m.]: You have to answer too, Stranger.
[12:49 p.m.]: Okay
[12:49 p.m.]: I grew up in Hawaii
[12:49 p.m.]: I used to have two cats
[12:49 p.m.]: I have a little brother
[12:50 p.m.]: Defender of men
[12:50 p.m.]: Iphone
[12:50 p.m.]: Something with Armando, but it’s not coming to me right now
[12:50 p.m.]: Frat party
[12:51 p.m.]: Study and hang out with friends
[12:51 p.m.]: Get dressed because I have inevitably overslept
[12:52 p.m.]: Lay out my clothes for tomorrow
[12:52 p.m.]: I don’t have a middle name
[12:52 p.m.]: Gum too
[12:52 p.m.]: Hanukkah
[12:53 p.m.]: Saturday
[12:53 p.m.]: King Louis XIV
[12:53 p.m.]: Listen to music
[12:53 p.m.]: Both
[12:54 p.m.]: Guitar
[12:54 p.m.]: That’s all, right? That better be all
[12:55 p.m.]: That’s all.
[12:55 p.m.]: Why Louis XIV?
[12:56 p.m.]: So I could punch him in the face
October 13, 2016.
[5:43 p.m.]: Armando is dragging me to some poetry reading for one of his friends
[5:43 p.m.]: #killme
[5:45 p.m.]: Third time you’ve mentioned Armando, Stranger.
[5:45 p.m.]: Still haven’t explained who he is.
[5:45 p.m.]: Brother? Friend? Boyfriend?
[5:46 p.m.]: The brother I mentioned is named Scott
[5:46 p.m.]: Armando is my best friend
[5:47 p.m.]: I’m currently boyfriend-less
[5:48 p.m.]: Why are you going to a poetry reading?
[5:49 p.m.]: One of Armando’s friends thinks she’s Sylvia Plath?
[5:49 p.m.]: Beats the hell out of me
[5:50 p.m.]: Plath didn’t do spoken word.
[5:51 p.m.]: Noah Fence, Bozo
[5:51 p.m.]: But I don’t fucking care
[5:52 p.m.]: Wow.
[5:52 p.m.]: You can’t just say “No offense” like a normal person.
[5:52 p.m.]: Everything you say has to look like a meme.
[5:53 p.m.]: Surprised you know what a meme is, Grandpa.
[5:54 p.m.]: Eat your vegetables.
[5:54 p.m.]: Eat my ass.
October 15, 2016.
[10:05 p.m.]: Some dudebro from Theta Mega Fuckboy just asked if he could tap this ass.
[10:05 p.m.]: I didn’t know fratboys were out now.
[10:05 p.m.]: I almost wish they weren’t so they wouldn’t fucking hit on nonsexual people.
[10:07 p.m.]: Yikes, I apologize for your luck.
[10:07 p.m.]: If you don’t mind my asking…
[10:07 p.m.]: What does nonsexual mean?
[10:09 p.m.]: I’m demisexual, bozo.
[10:10 p.m.]: I’m not good with words.
[10:10 p.m.]: Raven has told me about this before.
[10:10 p.m.]: But… what does demisexual mean?
[10:12 p.m.]: No sexual attraction until deep emotional connection.
[10:13 p.m.]: Oh! One of our friends is demisexual.
[10:13 p.m.]: Is it like bad I can’t remember which one?
[10:14 p.m.]: All of us are queer.
[10:15 p.m.]: I guess it’s not bad, per se
[10:15 p.m.]: Just like… as long as you remember who is in the community
[10:17 p.m.]: All of us.
[10:17 p.m.]: We don’t even have a token straight friend.
[10:20 p.m.]: Incredible
[10:20 p.m.]: Goals
[10:25 p.m.]: Question
[10:25 p.m.]: Answer.
[10:25 p.m.]: Don’t be a bozo, Bozo
[10:25 p.m.]: I wasn’t done
[10:26 p.m.]: I was wondering
[10:26 p.m.]: Do we know each other well enough to know names yet?
[10:26 p.m.]: Bc calling you Bozo in my head is getting a little weird
[10:30 p.m.]: Or not
[10:30 p.m.]: We don’t have to do that
[10:31 p.m.]: Sorry I was changing shirts.
[10:31 p.m.]: My friend is dragging me clubbing.
[10:31 p.m.]: My name is Hank.
[10:31 p.m.]: Yours?
[10:32 p.m.]: Alex
[10:32 p.m.]: I’ve gotta go now, frat party with Armando
[10:33 p.m.]: Have fun, Alex.
October 15, 2016.
[10:28 p.m.]: Dude what are you angsting about
[10:28 p.m.]: Don’t think I don’t see you just bc it’s dark in here
[10:29 p.m.]: You remember that guy I’m texting?
[10:29 p.m.]: Random possible serial killer?
[10:29 p.m.]: Yeah him
[10:30 p.m.]: I just suggested we should exchange names
[10:30 p.m.]: And he isn’t fucking answering
[10:30 p.m.]: Shit dude
[10:30 p.m.]: Did he leave you on read?
[10:31 p.m.]: No
[10:31 p.m.]: Oh god he’s typing
[10:31 p.m.]: he was changing shirts
[10:31 p.m.]: His name is Hank
[10:32 p.m.]: Name achieved
[10:32 p.m.]: Nice
[10:32 p.m.]: Can you party now?
[10:32 p.m.]: Hell yeah
October 16, 2016.
[11:36 a.m.]: Bozo I have a hangover
[11:36 a.m.]: Fix it
[11:38 a.m.]: Do all ailments make you dramatic, or just hangovers?
[11:38 a.m.]: Eat something with a lot of grease and drink something acidic.
[11:38 a.m.]: Also, take four ibuprofen.
[11:39 a.m.]: Damn Bozo I usually only take two
[11:40 a.m.]: Do you wanna get rid of your hangover?
[11:40 a.m.]: Also I thought we exchanged names so you wouldn’t call me Bozo anymore.
[11:41 a.m.]: I said I’d stop calling you Bozo /in my head/
[11:41 a.m.]: Not via text
[11:42 a.m.]: Wow.
[11:42 a.m.]: I’m so impressed with your infallible logic.
[11:44 a.m.]: No snark this early in the morning
[11:44 a.m.]: Don’t sass me, young man
[11:45 a.m.]: We are literally fifteen minutes away from midday.
[11:45 a.m.]: It is not early in the morning.
[11:46 a.m.]: Don’t sass me, young man
[11:47 a.m.]: Make me
[11:48 a.m.]: Grow up, Hank
[11:48 a.m.]: Please view my previous message for response.
[11:50 a.m.]: Too early for words like previous
[11:50 a.m.]: You big fuckin nerd
[11:51 a.m.]: Wow.
[11:51 a.m.]: I’m wounded.
[11:51 a.m.]: No one has ever insulted me like this.
[11:52 a.m.]: No snark this early in the morning
[11:52 a.m.]: It’s still early for me, Bozo
[11:53 a.m.]: You’re just a baby, Alex.
[11:53 a.m.]: Have you even gotten out of bed to do what I said?
[11:54 a.m.]: …
[11:54 a.m.]: So no?
[11:55 a.m.]: I’m getting up
[12:00 p.m.]: Ok it took me five minutes, but I’m up
[12:01 p.m.]: I’m proud of you.
[12:01 p.m.]: Just the period is enough to make it look sarcastic
[12:02 p.m.]: Good.
[12:03 p.m.]: Wow, Hank
[12:03 p.m.]: I’m hurt
[12:04 p.m.]: What are you doing today, Bozo?
[12:05 p.m.]: Crying?
[12:05 p.m.]: Not crying.
[12:05 p.m.]: Studying with Bobby probably.
[12:07 p.m.]: Bobby
[12:07 p.m.]: Brother? Friend? Boyfriend?
[12:08 p.m.]: We’ve discussed my lack of siblings.
[12:08 p.m.]: Bobby is my friend.
[12:08 p.m.]: I am currently boyfriend-less.
[12:08 p.m.]: And girlfriend-less.
[12:09 p.m.]: Bobby’s in my gen and behavior class.
[12:10 p.m.]: The eight am?
[12:11 p.m.]: The eight am.
[12:11 p.m.]: Gross
[12:12 p.m.]: Not inherently.
[12:13 p.m.]: Inherently, Hank
[12:13 p.m.]: It’s gross