Chapter Text
Beorn wasn’t what you could call overjoyed when he was forced to go to L.A for a conference.
“Don’t worry,” Dís told him, bumping her hip against his- well against his thigh what with the height difference. “We’ll look after Bilbo for you, the boys will love him.”
“Are you talking about your sons or your dogs?” Beorn asked darkly, trying not to glare at the only one of his co-workers that he actually liked. “Because if it’s the latter I hope you mean that without any taste testing.” He paused. “On second thought, add that for your sons as well.” He trusted teenage boys about as far as he could throw them, which - while not an insignificant distance, still wasn't far enough.
“Do you know how many rabbits Dwalin and Thorin have eaten?” Dís formed a circle with her hand. “This many.”
“And how many have they met?” Beorn asked pointedly.
“They like Ori, Dori and Nori,” Dís argued. “There’s never been any problem when Fíli and Kíli bring the dogs over to Gimli’s to play. “And they're even smaller than Bilbo.”
True, but dogs had; to Beorn’s knowledge, never been bred to hunt guinea pigs.
“I notice how you’re not really answering my question,” Beorn said and crossed his arms.
“They won't eat your rabbit,” Dís said with an eye roll. “Thorin accidentally ate a butterfly once, and I swear he even looked guilty about it afterwards."
“They better not even think about it if they know what's good for them,” Beorn muttered darkly and Dís slapped his arm.
“Don’t threaten my dogs.”
“I better not come home to an eaten rabbit,” Beorn sighed, giving up. Better Bilbo stay with Dís than Radagast who was likely to forget his existence since Bilbo wasn’t the noisiest of creatures. “Bilbo is good at kicking, but he's too nice. He tries to make friends with everything. Well, except Smaug. He doesn't like lizards.”
“He'll be fine,” Dís said, now patting the arm she’d slapped. “Bring him by before you head to the airport. Víli will be home, maybe the boys too. And you know how Víli is with animals.” She laughed. “Bilbo will have doubled in size before I even get home, and then we'll have to try and slim him back down again before you get back.”
Beorn smiled slightly. “Thorin and Dwalin are in fine shape.”
“Because they run around an awful lot. And Kíli's gotten it into his head that if he takes the dogs to the park then all cute girls and boys will throw themselves at his feet.”
“And what will he do with them then?” Beorn asked, raising a bushy eyebrow.
“That my son hasn't quite figured out yet,” Dís smirked. “Beyond revel in their attention until they actually try to talk to him. But give him time, he’s just 13.” She leaned in closer and lowered her voice. “I will not reveal my sources, but apparently Legolas asked him out. And Kíli did a decent tomato impression and then ran away.”
Beorn shook his head. “Have you bribed your other son to get this information or is it blackmail? Or witchcraft?"
“I'll never tell.”
-
“Bilbo is a friend,” Víli told the dogs sternly. “Friend. Rabbits are friends.”
“Not food,” Fíli snickered from his spot on the couch.
“Well, no,” his father agreed. “That’s kind of my point.”
“Dad, your lack of knowledge when it comes to popular culture is amazing.”
“The cake-“ Víli said seriously, raising a finger. “Is a spy.”
Thorin sighed and flopped down on the rug, while Dwalin kept staring at Bilbo who was sitting in his cage slash carrier, the rabbit's nose twitching a tad nervously.
“It’s ‘lie’, dad, not ‘spy’,” Kíli said without looking up from his homework. “Though points for effort.”
“They don’t respect me anymore,” Víli told Dwalin, but the Mastiff ignored him completely. “I remember when they thought I was the coolest person in the entire world.”
“I remember when you were the coolest person,” Fíli said. “Oh, wait, no I don’t.”
“See,” Víli said mournfully to Thorin, who - while deigning to look at him - didn’t seem to sympathise. Instead the Husky just huffed.
“Can we let him out yet?” Kíli asked. “He’s been there a really long time.”
“Or as we earthlings call it: ten minutes,” Fíli said.
“Go get the dogs’ leashes first,” Víli said. “And then we can open the hatch and see if he wants to come out.”
At the word ‘leashes’ both Thorin’s and Dwalin’s ears perked up.
“Stay,” Víli commanded, just in case one of them would go for the door and frighten the rabbit. Thorin huffed and looked at him as if he was simple minded, seeming to say that he was already clearly staying. Dwalin was still staring at Bilbo. This was either a good sign, or a really bad one.
Both dogs seemed a little confused at being leashed while still inside, but didn’t make a fuss about it and Kíli held Thorin’s leash while Víli held Dwalin’s.
“Okay,” Víli nodded to Fíli. “Open the hatch.”
“John Locke,” Kíli snickered.
Fíli’s response of: “Rather him than Boone, he died.” Didn’t make any more sense to Víli, so he opted to ignore his sons.
Once the cage door was open it was only a few moments before Bilbo hopped out into the living room.
“He’s cute,” Kíli grinned. “Look at his tail.” The tail in question was white and very fluffy, and Víli caught Thorin watching it with an avid gaze.
“Friend,” he said again. “We are nice to friends.”
Really, he was a fairly esteemed architect, he did not deserve both his dogs looking at him like he was an idiot.
When Bilbo started to hop towards Thorin, Kíli edged himself in between the dog and the rabbit.
“Hey there little one,” he said, crouching down, and then kneeling on the floor when Bilbo hopped a little closer still.
When Bilbo then tried to hop around him Kíli nudged him back in front of him again, then repeated it when Bilbo tried the other side.
Thorin, still lying down on the floor, tilted his head to the side and then peered out from behind Kíli. Dwalin; who was further away since Víli thought that the larger dog would be more likely to scare Bilbo, grumbled quietly.
When Kíli wouldn’t move Bilbo instead jumped up to him and nudged at his left knee. Then he nipped at it. It likely didn’t hurt, because in the battle between jeans and the teeth of a tiny rabbit, jeans seemed like the obvious winner, but Kíli still looked at Bilbo in surprise.
“I thought it was the dogs that we’d have to look out for when it came to biting.”
“He thinks you’re in his way,” Víli told his youngest son. “Ah,” he said when both his sons turned to look at him. “Bask in my superiour knowledge, my children. Bask.”
As one, Fíli and Kíli rolled their eyes.
“So much like their mother,” Víli told Dwalin, who still was ignoring him in favour of staring at the rabbit.
Seeing his chance Bilbo used their distraction to quickly hop around Kíli. He stopped abruptly when he reached Thorin’s front paws and a little startled, the Husky growled softly.
“No,” Víli said sharply, but Bilbo had already scrambled back towards his cage. To the rabbit’s credit, it didn’t take long before his nose was again poking out.
“Be nice to Bilbo,” Kíli scolded Thorin and the dog grumbled and demonstratively moved to face away from the rabbit. “Sulking won’t make you less wrong,” Kíli told the dog.
Bilbo had meanwhile slowly been inching his way out of the cage again. This time he started making his way towards Dwalin, whose tail began to wag.
“Look,” Kíli grinned. “Dwalin likes him.”
The Mastiff looked haughtily up at his youngest master, but as his tail was still wagging, that rather ruined the overall impression. As did the glances he kept sneaking at the approaching rabbit.
Víli made sure that he had a good grip on the leash, just in case. He very much doubted that Dwalin would try and hurt the little rabbit, but still, better safe than sorry. Especially considering that theoretically Dwalin could probably fit Bilbo inside his mouth without too much hassle.
Bilbo nosed at Dwalin’s right front paw, then sneezed. Thorin grumbled again and pretended like he was not watching what his friend and the rabbit was doing even though he’d turned again so he could sneak glances.
When Bilbo suddenly flopped boneless onto his side and started grinding his teeth Dwalin looked alarmed, and Víli reached down to stroke the dog's back.
“That means he likes you too,” he told him. The Mastiff didn’t seem convinced and he slowly lowered his head down to nudge the rabbit on the head with his nose.
“Weird rabbit,” Fíli remarked when Bilbo turned even more boneless, melting into a bunny-puddle on the floor. “Though I guess he might think that Dwalin looks a bit like Beorn, they’re about as hairy and grumpy.”
“Fíli,” Víli scolded, because it was important to teach your teenagers how to show respect for their elders, even if you happened to agree with their opinions about certain people and certain dogs.
“Sorry, dad,” Fíli, and Víli beamed at him.
When Dwalin cautiously licked Bilbo’s ear Thorin growled and Kíli poked him in the side.
“Stop that.”
Thorin turned huge blue eyes in the boy’s direction and woofed sadly.
“That doesn’t work on me,” Kíli told him even as his hand began to card through Thorin’s thick fur.
By dinner Dwalin had acquired a hat which looked suspiciously like a very smug rabbit, and Thorin had acquired what seemed like a permanently grumpy expression.
“I’m not sure which part of that you’re opposing,” Víli told him and nodded towards the other dog and the rabbit. “But if you offer your apologies I’m sure both of them will forgive you.”
Doing the dog equivalent of muttering sourly Thorin turned his back to Víli.
“Does anyone listen to me around this house?” Víli asked his wife. Dís patted his hand soothingly.
“You know I do, honey. I may not always agree, but I do listen.”
“Thank you, I think,” Víli said with a slight pout.
Fíli and Kíli both winced when Dís leaned over to kiss him.
“Not while we’re eating,” Kíli complained.
When the time came for all good little bunnies to go to sleep Dwalin watched with mournful eyes as Dís picked up the drowsy Bilbo from where he'd been lying on the living room carpet.
“I’m not letting him run around down here unsupervised,” she told the dog when he whined. “He’s small enough to hide everywhere, and I’m not telling Beorn that I’ve misplaced his rabbit. And I'm not bunny-proofing the entire ground floor either, mister.”
“Can he stay in my room?” Fíli asked just as Kíli was opening his mouth. Judging by the glare he gave his brother, he’d been about to ask the same thing.
“Sure,” Víli said. “But keep him in the pen Beorn left for us, and clear away all cords and other dangerous things just to the safe. And don’t forget to put the litter tray down.”
“And if you step on him in the night you can explain it to Beorn,” Dís said as she walked towards the staircase. “Come on, get the pen from the garage and help me set this up.”
As they left Víli looked from his youngest son to Thorin. They were wearing the exact same sulking expression, and the blond hid a grin.
With the loss of his new little friend Dwalin got to his feet and ambled over to Thorin. Not giving any advance warning he proceeded to collapse over the other dog.
Annoyed Thorin tried to squirmed away but Dwalin had him quiet firmly pinned. The black and white dog growled softly until Dwalin huffed and began to clean his ears, then he quieted down.
-
The next day, Víli reconsidered his decision to work from home. Doing it with the company of two dogs was fine, but add a rabbit to that and you were clearly in for some trouble.
He couldn’t constantly keep an eye on Bilbo, so he’d set up the pen in the middle of the living room; much to Dwalin’s distaste as that meant he’d had to do without his furry little headwear.
After about an hour he heard Dwalin whimper unhappily and he looked up from his laptop to see what was going on.
Dwalin had apparently just stepped over the metal hedges that made up the pen, but there was not enough room for him to lie down. At his feet Bilbo was hopping around, looking up at the dog in concern.
“Awesome plan,” Víli told him. “Come on, get out of there.”
About another hour later Dwalin whined again, and this time Víli found to his surprise that it was Thorin who had hopped into the pen, actually managing lie down without smooshing Bilbo. The rabbit in question had happily burrowed down in Thorin’s fluffy tail, looking very pleased with the situation.
Thorin looked a little sceptical, but he still looked defiantly at Vili when the man raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t judge,” Víli said, and Dwalin whined and pawed at the mesh walls.
-
When Dís got home she found both her dogs curled up inside the rabbit pen; which Víli had rearranged against a wall to increase the size of it. Bilbo lying slumped between them, looking like whatever the bunny version of the cat who got the canary was.
“Is that really normal?” she asked her husband who looked up from his sketches to smile at her.
“Don’t be a speciest, darling,” he told her with a wink.
-
A day later when Beorn came to pick Bilbo up, new world records were set for the saddest puppy-dog eyes known to man, and that was just Kíli. Thorin and Dwalin took it to an entirely new level of miserable.
“On behalf of my dogs I propose that Bilbo can come and visit and vice versa,” Dís told her friend.
Beorn looked down at his rabbit who hung limply in his hands, everything from ears to tail drooping sadly.
“I hate conferences,” Beorn growled.