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Morning light streamed through the heavily curtained window that sat directly behind the bed that now held (far earlier in the day than Dirk would have appreciated) only Todd, lying next to an empty pocket of rumpled sheets and a somewhat squashed looking pillow.
Dirk eyed the scene before him wistfully from the bedroom doorway, his heart lurching when Todd began to snuffle and curl toward the emptiness to his left, as if searching for the warmth that had previously occupied the space.
Dirk found that he had to call upon a well of strength from somewhere deep within himself in order to resist the urge to spring forward and back into bed entirely; allowing his smaller boyfriend to curl over his chest and the both of them to fall comfortably back to sleep.
He successfully fought the urge, however, and simply smiled weakly when Todd shifted again, yawning widely and blinking himself back into consciousness.
There was a long silence, before he groaned and shifted, grappling for the thick, horn rimmed glasses on the bedside table and sliding them crookedly onto his face before blinking at Dirk’s form in the doorway blearily.
“What time is it?” He croaked, frowning as he took in Dirk’s appearance, entirely dressed with shoes on, seemingly ready to step out the door entirely.
“Only about 7.” Dirk replied, resisting the urge to clear his throat when his own answer came out croaky-er than he’d anticipated.
Todd’s eyebrows raised spectacularly, though all he said was, “You’re dressed.”
“Marvelously observant of you, yes.” Dirk teased, his grin only widening when Todd rolled his eyes (ridiculously magnified behind the lenses of his glasses in a way that Dirk found incredibly endearing) halfheartedly, “I’ve got to leave early for the case, remember?”
Todd blinked, before he let his head fall back to the pillow underneath with a thump, “Right. The, um, missing--”
“Missing person, yes.” Dirk confirmed, when it seemed Todd had trailed off entirely.
“In Portland.” Todd muttered, sounding a little despondent at the prospect.
After a moment of consideration, Dirk found that he couldn’t accurately decide on how exactly this made him feel.
“In Portland.” He confirmed, instead of lingering on the thought any longer, “It probably won’t be that long, though. I might be home by tonight.”
Todd breathed a weak chuckle, “Confident.”
“Hardly.” Dirk teased back, before sobering suddenly, again studying the bed before him (Todd curled tightly beneath the covers) with a small furrow growing between his brows.
In all honesty, he wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about leaving for an entire day; even if he would remain less than six hours travelling distance from home the entire time.
(‘It isn’t really home that you’re worried about leaving though, is it?’ Dirk thought distantly, flushing at the thought alone)
He opened his mouth to speak, before closing it hastily.
To ask if Todd would ‘be alright’ while he was gone felt… stifling. Condescending, in a way.
Dirk found himself dismissing the idea entirely before he could stop himself, when he considered how Todd might react to such a question.
He must have remained silent for too long, however, for after a moment Todd raised his head wearily again, shooting Dirk a furrowed look of his own.
“Dirk?” He prodded hesitantly.
The image of Todd, looking entirely small underneath the bunched covers, and a little more tentative than Dirk could really ever remember seeing him, did absolutely nothing to ease Dirk’s nerves.
Not that he’d let on to the fact.
Dirk forced a bright smile, “Everything’s great!” He cried with forced gaiety, ignoring the speculative look Todd shot him, “I should probably be going now, though, so…”
“Right.” Todd cut in morosely, frowning sharply and gazing not at Dirk, but at a spot on the floor near Dirk’s feet instead.
“Right.” Dirk echoed, biting his lip and shifting uncomfortably for a moment, “I--”
“Drive safe, Dirk.” Todd interrupted, shifting sharply so that the covers were pulled tightly up to his chin, and shutting his eyes firmly as his glasses fell to the floor with a clatter.
Dirk winced, hesitating in the door for another long moment before exiting entirely, trying to ignore the steadily growing sinking feeling in his gut as he did so.
---
It was a very, very lonely drive.
---
It was nearly 4 o’clock the same day by the time Dirk’s phone buzzed loudly in his pocket, startling him from his musings and effectively dislodging his concentration from the case he was very near to closing entirely.
(A “missing persons” case, indeed. While Dirk had been thrilled to easily locate the runaway child and return their whereabouts to their frantic mother, he had been a little disappointed that the case hadn’t turned out to be a bit more… challenging.)
(Dirk winced guiltily as soon as the thought had occurred to him, though he could hardly take back what he was relatively sure was the end of the matter, now, anyway.)
He started violently, now, pausing in his stroll along the (unexpectedly) lovely Portland waterfront to draw the phone from the pocket of his maroon jeans (the ones Todd always smirked at, but never commented on) hastily.
“Hello?” He answered, not bothering to check who was ringing in and assuming it might be Todd himself, calling to inquire about dinner, or to let Dirk know that he’d be out later than anticipated tonight (this in itself was not an infrequent occurrence, however often Dirk wished for the opposite)
Rather than Todd’s own harried greeting, however, came a pause before Amanda replied, “Dirk.”
“Amanda?” He echoed, his brow furrowing at the No-Nonsense edge her usually enthusiastically, bubbly voice held, “Everything alright?”
“N--” Amanda cut herself off, sighing almost imperceptibly before continuing, “I don’t know. Have you heard from Todd?”
Dirk blinked, his heart skipping a little, “This morning, yes. Why?”
The memory, combined with the tense edge to Amanda’s tone, made Dirk’s stomach twist with nerves.
“And are you at home now?” Amanda was prodding.
“No…” Dirk replied slowly, his gut twisting further at what sounded like vague accusation in Amanda’s voice, “Amanda. Is something… wrong?”
The sound of Amanda blowing out a frustrated breath was clear.
“I was hoping you could tell me.” She finally muttered moodily, “I’ve been trying to get ahold of Todd all morning.”
“And?” Dirk prodded, his heart rate picking up alarmingly before he could calm himself.
“Straight to voicemail.” Amanda groaned, and Dirk could easily envision her running a hand through her long, dark hair in frustration, “I would go check on him if I could, but--”
“That would ruin your reputation as an Uncaring Family Member, I’d assume.” Dirk interrupted offhandedly.
If his tone was a little sharper than he’d anticipated, he blamed is solely on the panic he could now feel beginning to creep in around the edges of his nerves.
“I have to work.” Amanda corrected blankly, either too preoccupied to comment on the words or silently agreeing with the sentiment and choosing to move on entirely, “I can’t afford to miss another shift but… Dirk, I don’t know if it would be asking a lot right now--”
“I’ll go home and check on him.” Dirk interrupted for a second time, turning on his heel and immediately heading back to where he’d parked his car, “Of course.”
“Thanks.” Amanda replied immediately, sounding a bit more sure-footed at the reassurance, “I just... want to make sure he’s not having another one of his bad days. I know it’s been a while, but he doesn’t usually talk to me about it so…”
Dirk paused, slowing his steps until he was stood almost motionless, staring blankly out at the waves ahead, “Bad days?”
There was a long silence, and for a moment Dirk was sure Amanda had hung up before she prodded, “Yeah. You know his… Bad Days?”
“Like…” Dirk frowned, “A not good kind of day?”
Another silence, in which Dirk was confident Amanda was blinking as if in shock.
“No.” She replied, finally, slowly as if she were speaking to a small and particularly stupid child, “Not like that. A Bad Day, Dirk.”
Somehow, the horrible, inarguable capitalization of the phrase was made absolutely clear by her tone.
Dirk swallowed, the sound loud and abrasive, “Oh--”
“Don’t tell me this is a new concept for you, please.”
“No!” Dirk defended, then winced a little guiltily, though Amanda couldn’t see, “I mean… Todd has lots of bad days. He’s a sort of person that might, I suppose, but…” He trailed off, this knot in his stomach tightening and effectively robbing him of the appropriate reassurances.
“Oh my god.” Amanda groaned, “It is. It is a new concept.”
Dirk didn’t reply, knowing Amanda would continue when she was ready, but began to walk toward his car again, nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste.
“Okay, you kind of get a free pass because you guys haven’t been dating for that long.” Amanda was explaining hastily, “But sometimes, a lot more frequently before Todd met you and shit hit the fan, there were days when Todd would kind of just go… Off the grid.”
“Off the grid?” Dirk repeated blankly.
“Yeah.” Amanda confirmed, “Wouldn’t answer his phone, holed himself up in his apartment for days-- The whole nine yards.” “Well, what was he, you know--” Dirk made a face, “doing?”
Amanda snorted, though the effort behind the noise was very obviously humorless, “Wallowing, to be really blunt. But, Dirk,” She continued uncertainly, her voice lowering to almost a whisper, “are you really telling me that you’ve never had this happen before now? Not at all?”
“Well,” Dirk began, unlocking his car with one hand and lowering himself slowly into the driver’s seat before continuing, “There’s been wallowing, certainly. It’s Todd, after all.”
It was a lousy attempt at humor, and Dirk found that there was little conviction behind the words.
Amanda snorted again, however, and though there was genuine humor accompanying the sound this time around, Dirk found that it didn’t do anything to ease his quickly building nerves.
“But,” He continued, the dawning realization making his stomach drop a bit, “That’s probably different… Isn’t it?”
“If this is what I’m thinking it is,” Amanda confirmed sagely, “Then it’s totally different.”
“Right.” Dirk replied lowly, and before he could register the urge was ending the phone call hastily and peeling out of his parking space, his tires screeching dramatically as he began to reach an almost frantic speed toward home.
---
The drive home was not a short one (lasting almost 6 and a half hours, to Dirk’s intense irritation), and it left Dirk with a little more time to think things over than he was comfortable with, though he was entirely powerless to stop the onslaught of thoughts that began to hit him as soon as he pulled onto the freeway.
This, coupled with the multiple, frantic calls he himself made to Todd (all going unanswered), made for a very uncomfortable trip, indeed.
Bad Days, Amanda had said, and Dirk searched frantically for any examples he’d seen thus far that might clue him into what she was alluding to.
Since he and Todd had begun their tentative relationship (very near to half a year ago, Dirk reflected with some wonder), Todd had had very many bad days, and Dirk a fair share of his own.
Whether it was because of band practice (something Dirk was still not sure how he felt about) gone wrong, another failed job search, or simply the unfamiliarity of being in his first relationship since college, Todd didn’t seem to be lacking in things to create a bad day over.
But they’d easily been able to work past those, Dirk mused with forced confidence, nodding firmly to himself as if that would solidify the idea.
Over the course of their relationship they’d been able to open up to each other more and more as time had gone on.
Though, Dirk mused, Todd hadn’t opened up nearly as much as Dirk would have originally hoped for.
In truth, in this first couple months after the two had first met, Dirk had been struck by how intensely private Todd was as an individual.
To have Todd open up to him at all, and as much as he had already, was leagues more than Dirk had ever expected from his boyfriend.
The thought was somewhat comforting in itself.
Bad days. Dirk could handle bad days.
He had done so multiple times in the past, Dirk mused, his fingers tapping rhythmically on the steering wheel beneath his clammy hands. Why would this time be any different?
(‘it’s totally different,’ Amanda had said)
Something different, Dirk mused, his heart dropping dramatically as he swerved around another driver who seemed to be travelling entirely Too Slow for his liking; something different was something he admittedly had no idea how to handle.
The thought followed him uncomfortably for the duration of his trip, hovering threateningly at the edge of his thoughts until the very moment he pulled off the freeway, stopping only briefly at a red light before speeding off toward home.
---
It wasn’t until Dirk had sprinted up three flights of stairs to pause, panting heavily in front of the door of his and Todd’s apartment, that he really stopped to think.
There was no sound coming from inside, and this was somehow more damning than anything thus far.
More often than not, Dirk would return home to the soft sound of Todd’s music drifting through the front door; or occasionally even Todd’s own guitar playing (a sound so soothing that Dirk would instantly feel whatever tension was still clinging to him practically melt away)
Now, however, there was complete silence, no light was visible from underneath the door.
Dirk swallowed heavily and extended a hand to hover uncertainly over the doorknob, cool beneath his sweaty palm.
‘A bad day.’ He reassured himself, despite the immediate intrusive thought that served only to tell him otherwise, ‘That’s all it is. You know this. You know Todd.’
The latter thought seemed to be the final push he needed, and Dirk took a deep, steeling breath before turning the doorknob (unlocked) beneath his hand and letting himself into the apartment.
Inside, the entryway was completely dark, the only light in the whole apartment seemingly the light in the bathroom, which appeared to have been carelessly left on (possibly even that morning by Dirk himself)
Dirk crept through the dark quietly, somehow unwilling to alter the state of things as they were and turn on a light, though the darkness was thick enough to force him to run a tentative hand along the wall in order to navigate where he was going.
The living room was empty, Dirk noted, the couch appearing unrumpled and possibly unused at all throughout the day.
He turned then and squinted in the dark, eyeing Lydia and the Kitten’s separate food bowls where they sat, apparently untouched after Dirk’s initial filling early that morning.
The kitchen, too, seemed to be entirely as Dirk had left it; no dirty dishes on the countertop or sink signifying that Todd had been in or attempted anything at all to eat.
Dirk paused in the middle of the room, surrounded by his horde of houseplants, and let the cool serenity of the quietly dark kitchen calm his racing heart as best it could, before he pressed on determinedly.
He crept toward the bedroom next, pausing at the firmly shut door only briefly before letting himself into the room.
The room itself was almost darker than the rest of the house, the only source of light being an outside streetlamp streaming through the firmly drawn curtains hanging over the window, and Dirk had to let his eyes adjust even further before he could properly take in his surroundings.
He found he had to bite back a startled gasp at what he saw.
Lydia sat perched next to the bed, her chin propped on the edge of the mattress as she gazed pitifully up at its occupants.
On the bed itself lay Todd, curled underneath seemingly every blanket they had stored in the apartment, as many as he could clutch gripped tightly in his fist and curled almost up to his nose.
Beside him lay the Kitten, curled almost protectively around his hand, her tiny pink nose pressed lightly up against the clammy skin peeking out between the blankets.
On the floor beside Lydia sat Todd’s glasses, untouched where they’d been discarded that morning.
Dirk felt himself freeze and studied the scene, motionless, his mind drawing on a blank as to how to react or what he could possibly do.
After a moment Lydia turned, her ears pricking attentively before she seemed to leap up and scurry toward him, whining low in her throat and nuzzling at one of his calves.
“Lydia!” He cried in a whisper, leaning down so he could take the Corgi’s face between his hands softly, “Shh. Don’t wake him.”
In truth, Dirk wasn’t even entirely convinced that Todd was actually asleep, and was really almost entirely sure that he Wasn’t.
It seemed, however, to be the appropriate thing to say at the time.
Dirk allowed himself another long moment to gather his wits and give Lydia a bit more (clearly desired) attention before he sighed and stood, feeling suddenly entirely out of place and without a clue of what to do next.
As it turned out, he didn’t have to make the decision for himself.
The pile of blankets shifted slightly in the thick silence of the room, and Dirk found he was holding his breath as Todd groaned a little before lifting his head to blink blearily in Dirk’s direction; an almost carbon copy of how Dirk had last seen him that morning.
The kitten stood blearily as her perch was dislodged, and yawned before leaping from the bed and scurrying out of the room.
Dirk watched her go, feeling his heart sink a little at being left almost entirely alone.
“Dirk.” Todd greeted, quietly and tentatively, as if they were the first words he’d attempted in a while, “You’re back.”
When Dirk didn’t answer, couldn’t find anything at all that seemed even remotely appropriate to say at the time, Todd’s brow furrowed and he shifted so that he was sat up, his back cushioned by his and Dirk’s own pillows that had been previously bunched beneath his head.
“Dirk?”
The small, uncertain tone in Todd’s voice seemed to have something of an effect, and Dirk suddenly found himself mobile again, free to spring forward and take up Lydia’s now vacant position, kneeling next to the bedside and gazing up at Todd’s bewildered expression hesitantly.
“Are you alright?” He questioned, feeling only a little bit foolish when Todd’s expression screwed into one of confusion.
“Of course I am.” He dismissed easily, though there was something just… off enough about his tone to confirm Dirk’s own fears and suspicion, “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’re in bed.” Dirk commented pointedly, raising an eyebrow.
Todd blinked, before huffing out a forced laugh, “Dirk, it’s past 11.”
“You’re in bed.” Dirk repeated, so quickly that the beginning of his sentence seemed to ride the tail end of Todd’s sloppy reassurances, “And I think I’m correct in assuming that you haven’t left it.”
There was a pregnant pause, in which Todd shifted and bit the inside of his cheek, glancing away guiltily.
“It’s nothing.” He finally dismissed, shrugging slightly and still not meeting Dirk’s gaze, “I’m--”
“You haven’t answered your phone.” Dirk interrupted, “To myself or Amanda’s calls.”
Todd eyes snapped back to meet his at the words, though he himself remained silent.
Dirk took a deep breath before pressing on.
“You haven’t eaten, or even been up to feed Lydia or the Kitten.” Todd seemed to almost wince guiltily, and Dirk had only a moment to feel bad about using the fact against him before he was continuing, “You haven’t even been up to go to the couch or get a glass of water.”
“I’m fi--”
“Todd!” Dirk interrupted, causing Todd’s mouth to snap closed with the force of the cry, “You haven’t talked to me. You never talk to me so please!” here he shot Todd a pleading expression, feeling his lip quiver slightly, “Please don’t lie and tell me you’re fine.”
They sat for a long moment, observing each other in the near deafening silence, the only sound being that of Dirk’s suddenly sharp, harsh breaths.
The force of his words had surprised even him, though he couldn’t find it within himself to regret anything he’d said.
After a long moment Todd seemed to reach a conclusion within himself, and he released a heavy, weary sounding breath and looked away uncomfortably.
“You’re right.” He admitted, louder than before, closing his eyes as if the words pained him to speak.
Dirk blinked, trying not to balk at the nearly effortless yield, “What?”
“I said you’re right.” Todd repeated, furrowing his brow before pegging Dirk with a somewhat pained look, “I don’t really talk to you.”
Dirk reeled back a bit, suddenly feeling a little out of his depth, “Well…”
“And we’re… whatever we are.” Todd continued on hastily, bluntly, looking away again and sounding as if he were speaking to himself as much as he was to Dirk, “We should be able to talk to each other.”
“Right…” Dirk replied slowly, frowning and giving Todd a long, contemplative look, “But--”
“I’m sorry.” Todd interrupted, turning again and looking somewhat distraught, “I’m sorry, Dirk, you’re right. You’re right and I’m honestly shit at this.” He gulped a desperate sounding breath, “I’m shit at this and I’ve been here all day, you’re right, and--”
“Hey, hey,” Dirk interrupted, rising so that his elbow were planted on the mattress and he was at eye-level with Todd, “Todd, stop. Hey.”
“You’re right.” Todd repeated, his eyes slipping closed with the mantra as the furrow between his brows seemed to grow deeper, “I’m--”
“Stop.” Dirk commanded, sternly, reaching forward without thought and gripping both Todd’s elbows with a gentleness that belied his tone, “Todd, stop.”
Todd’s eyes snapped open, and he struggled backward only a moment, but he stopped, and Dirk breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
“You’ve been trapped inside your own mind for too long.” He soothed, trying to keep his own voice both firm and soothing, “That much is obvious.”
Todd blinked, his mouth turning downward into something akin to a pout, though he neglected to answer.
“I’m asking you to talk to me.” Dirk pleaded, “I’m here to listen to you. Please, Todd.” He shot Todd an imploring look, “Let me listen.”
For a long moment, Dirk was afraid that he’d stepped too far-- that Todd would finally feel pushed Too Far and turn back over, show his back to Dirk, and refuse to speak altogether.
None of these things happened, however, to Dirk’s immense relief.
Instead, Todd inhaled a short breath, releasing it on a huff and letting himself fall back to the pillows beneath, still eyeing Dirk hesitantly.
“I--” He began, looking a little lost before clearing his throat and trying again, his gaze trained on a spot somewhere just over Dirk’s head, “It’s been a… day.”
If the truth were told, Dirk was so relieved he felt as if he could cry then and there.
“A Bad Day?” He inquired, instead, feeling his the heavy weight compressing his lungs loosen a bit when Todd hesitated before meeting his gaze again.
“Yeah.” He replied tentatively, scanning Dirk’s face for something unspoken, “I guess so.”
“Do you…” Dirk began, slowly, choosing his own words very carefully, “Do these happen… often?”
If Todd’s continued pout was anything to go by, the words hadn’t been as tactful as he’d been aiming for.
“Sometimes.” Todd answered, finally, his gaze flittering uncertainly between Dirk and the comforter beneath his own loosely curled hands, “Not so much recently but…”
Dirk took a deep breath, steeling himself before taking a leap and leaning forward to wrap his own larger hands around Todd’s chilled ones hesitantly.
“But sometimes.” He continued for Todd, knowing he’d made the right choice when Todd sent him a tiny, grateful smile.
When it seemed that this would be the only reply Dirk received, he cleared his throat a bit before offering a small smile of his own.
“Is there anything you’d like me to do? To help?” He inquired, after a long moment, feeling his heart lighten even further when the soft, nearly content look on Todd’s face didn’t wholly disappear at the question.
“Not really.” He responded, shrugging a small bit and making a face, “I hate it. I hate this, but--” He exhaled shakily, “There’s not a lot you can do.”
Dirk nodded, trying not to feel let down.
Not that he’d expected there to be a specific something he could do to magically fix things, but disappointed at the lack thereof nonetheless.
“Right.” He murmured, letting his thumb softly stroke the knuckles of Todd’s right hand and, after allowing himself a brief moment to glance away, holding the latter’s gaze evenly.
“Just--” Todd blurted, suddenly, blinking and looking a bit shocked at the volume and urgency of his own tone before he continued, quieter, “Just. Be here. It’s helping, I think.”
Todd was blushing furiously, and looking firmly down instead of meeting Dirk’s gaze, but Dirk felt something spectacularly relieved burst within himself, anyway.
His eyes widened, and he felt himself fight and simultaneously lose the battle over the grin spreading over his face at the words.
This. This he could understand.
Todd took in the expression on his face, before huffing a halfhearted chuckle and scooting backward wordlessly.
Dirk, continuing to smile, stood and hastily removed his shoes and coat (Todd’s tentative gaze following his movements the entire time) before sliding into the now vacant space on the right side of the bed, shifting until he was comfortably lying on his side, his gaze returning to Todd’s almost immediately, as if drawn magnetically.
“Alright?” He questioned, forcing himself to remain motionless and refrain from reaching forward to scoop Todd into his arms, as he would have normally.
As his brain was screaming at him to do.
Todd scanned his face briefly before attempting to return the smile, though it (admittedly) came off as more of a grimace than anything.
“Alright.” He repeated, crinkling his nose
(Dirk’s heart skipped ridiculously at the sight)
and fighting a yawn before shifting forward so that his arms were wrapped firmly around Dirk’s waist, his head cradled into Dirk’s shoulder.
He froze suddenly (as if his actions had only just caught up with him) and shot Dirk a short, tentative look of his own; looking as if he would immediately let go and move back to his previous position at the first sign of rejection.
Dirk thought it best to move quickly, in that case.
He curled closer, feeling his smile soften into something fonder, more tender, when Todd relaxed slightly at the movement, and tightened his own arms around Todd’s small shoulders.
“Dirk.” Todd murmured on a breath, nuzzling his nose into Dirk’s shoulder, “Thank you.”
Dirk hummed, shifting so that he could pull the bunched comforter entirely up and over Todd’s shoulder, tucking the corners in tightly so that his smaller boyfriend was wrapped protectively.
“Love you.” He finally breathed in reply, feeling a familiar warmth begin to bloom in his chest when he felt Todd’s smile against his collar.
This--
This was something he could handle.